Adventures of a lead dog

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Mummies Should Buy Some Tape

January 6th 2008 11:01 am
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Jeff finally got home last night after being gone for far too long. He was gone so long that Angel said she barely remembered him, and had to give him lots of kisses to get to know him again. He had become a total stranger. He must have been gone for 7 or 8 hours. Angel gets very excited when people arrive home. She acts like Dino on The Flintstones. It wouldn't surprise me if she knocked someone down so she can kiss them better.

Anyway, I've been working on some secret projects which obviously I can't tell you about or they wouldn't be secret anymore. I can tell you that they are vital to our national security. Okay, maybe they aren't, but they are still secret, and I'm not telling anyone what I"m up to. By the way, isn't opening the fridge vital to national security? I'm not saying that is what I'm doing. I am, in fact, not even thinking about opening it. The project is something totally different.

I also have been wondering about something I saw recently. The Mummy (Im sure most of you have seen at least one mummy movie) is covered in bandages and there seems to be no adhesive tape. I realize maybe it wasn't invented when he died, but shouldn't he stop by the pharmacy and pick some up? His bandages are falling off, and I for one do not want to see what a man who has been dead for thousands of years looks like. I'm guessing he isn't good looking under all those bandages. Couldn't someone give him some tape? Maybe it would put him in a better mood. He might even end up being friendly. If not, I say let the dogs take care of him. Any culture that worshipped cats is very warped. I'm not putting down ancient Egypt, but ask any dog, even those of us who like cats, and we will tell you that they should not be worshipped. Humans back then must have been real idiots. I won't even get into the whole scarub thing. They are just bugs. Yes, you read correctly BUGS. I know Egypt was a great civilization, but what were they thinking--cats and bugs? We dogs do not approve.

I guess I'd better get back to my project. I hope all you dogs out there are enjoying a nice Sunday afternoon.

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Who Doesn't Worship Cats)


January 5th 2008 2:33 pm
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I got a paw-mail from Phoebe, and we are officially engaged. It is so nice to have such a lovely girl as my intended. I guess we will be talking about wedding plans. Maybe we'll get married in the White House. Wouldn't that be a lovely ceremony?

Mommy and Jeff went to see Sweeny Todd at the theatre last night. I saw the trailer for that movie, and I only have one thing to say about Sweeny Todd--I'm glad he is not a dog groomer!!! This is why I have no use for dog groomers or anyone who wants to give me a bath or cut my nails. How do you know you can trust these people? (When Mommy decides to bathe me, she becomes a total stranger to me.) What if you get someone like Sweeny Todd? That is all I have to say on the grooming matter. I lick myself clean. It is a little trick I learned from the cats who hung around us puppies at the breeders' place.

Jeff is out with a friend, and he didn't get my permission. I'm going to have to have a long talk with that kid. Maybe I'll hire Sweeny Todd to cut his hair. HA
He has to learn he can't leave without the Deemster.

Mommy brought us dingo bones last night, and I was full so I let Angel have mine. She was one happy puppy. I am nice to Angel when I'm in the mood.

It is Saturday, I'm not wearing any silly sunglasses even though Mommy tried to buy me some, I've got a bag of bacon and cheese flavor milkbone that I used as a pillow last night, and I'm a happy dog. I hope all you dogs out there are happy.

Demon Flash Bandit (Engaged Dog)


Cats Should Not Drive!!!!!

January 4th 2008 10:47 am
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I have some sad news today. Phoebe wanted to get married, and I didn't get back to her and then I read her diary and found that I had really hurt her. I didn't mean to. You know how us male dogs are-especially us huskies. We were bred to run. Anyway, after some time and thought, I decided it would be nice to be engaged to Phoebe, but I paw mailed her, and I haven't heard from her so I guess she is mad at me. I hope she forgives me because I didn't mean to take so long to think it over. I think we males just get scared off when girls get clingy, but Phoebe is one beautiful dog and I don't want to lose her. If she is reading this, Phoebe, I'm very sorry that I didn't paw mail you immediately. I hope you understand. I am honored that you love me.

I guess you dogs out there don't need any advice at the moment which is good. That must mean everything is going well for all of you. I hope the new year is treating you good.

I do want to say that I was reading the news yesterday, and there was another sad story about a highway fatality. How long will it take for the humans to face the fact that CATS SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED TO DRIVE. They are terrible drivers. Toonses could never be trusted to drive because Toonses always drove the car off a cliff. DOGS ARE THE ONLY ONES WHO SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO HAVE LICENSES, and Mommy says the states won't give us licenses. There is something terribly wrong with a system that will give a cat a license to drive and not a dog. This is another matter I will address when I become president.

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Who Knows Not To Drive Off A Cliff)


How To Deal With A Puppy in the Family

January 3rd 2008 1:51 pm
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Demon Flash Bandit, advice dog, is here to help any dogs that need advice. I'm going to start with advice for those of you with younger dogs in the house. Angel will be one year old in March, and she is always up in my business and bugging the bejesus out for me. If I try to run away, she is following me like a black and white shadow. Here is a simple strategy that I saw on a Tom and Jerry cartoon. Put a trail of food to the crate, and when the puppy "takes the bait" and ends up inside the crate, shut the door. Make sure when you do this that the puppy doesn't have a utility belt with more stuff than Batman has in his belt. She had wire clippers in a holster on her shoulder, and before I knew it, she was running around again following me and back in my business. My second plan was to give her some money to go to a movie, and that did get me a few hours of peace. The important thing to remember in dealing with a puppy is not to give up. They are easy to fool. I once got 3 hours peace just by drawing a cave on the wall. Angel went inside it and played for hours. She told me she was having fun with the Roadrunner. They were watching the coyote get hurt. She had a lovely time.
I've got to get back to my nap.

Demon Flash Bandit (Advice Dog)



January 2nd 2008 10:06 am
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How is the new year treating all you dogs out there? A few minutes ago, Mommy was on the computer (she hogs it just like Jeff does), and I brought her a box with her giant white chocolate snowman in it. I could have easily hidden somewhere and opened the box myself and ate the what was left (he is now about 1/3 of a snowman, but I was a good dog. Because Mommy said I was a good dog, I got 2 bites. I thought she would give me the whole thing, but at least I got a couple of bites. Sometimes it pays to be a good dog. It was her snowman so I didn't want to take it without permission. If it were just a candy bar laying around the house, the Deemster would have been eating good.

The snow we woke up to yesterday was wonderful. Do my humans appreciate it? No, they think it is lousy and I actually heard Mommy say that she was hoping the weather forecast was wrong.

Angel is trying to walk on her back paws. I don't know what she is thinking, but evidently she thinks if the humans can do it, so can she. She gets some odd ideas in her cute little head.

I hope all you dogs have a wonderful new year, and remember that I'm running for president so I need those votes. There have been far too many humans in the White House, and you know how stupid the humans are.

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog With a Mission)


Dog Advice from the Deemster

January 1st 2008 1:32 pm
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It is the new year, and as I previously mentioned, I'm not making any resolutions because you can't improve perfection. Mommy could stand to make quite a few:
1. Let the dog have his chocolate
2. Let the dog eat all the candy he wants (Mike and Ikes, Swedish Fish, etc.)
3. Get rid of the leash
4. Take the dog everywhere you go.

That is just 4 off the top of my head. There are a lot more improvements Mommy could make in herself if she and I really gave it some serious thought. The main problem is that most humans keep their New Year's Resolutions for approximately 10 minutes before breaking them. In fact, some break them in less time than it took to make them. I guess I won't even mention it to Mommy because I don't have much faith in her ability to follow through. Let's face it, humans just aren't as strong minded as us dogs.

My pal Alley, recently had a problem with the refrigerator door. Her Mommy put some jam cake in there which she thought it was too rich for Alley. Of course, Alley wanted some and that was the dilemna. I paw mailed insructions for opening the refrigerator door. That event has made me realize how many situations there are out there dogs need some help with. The humans have advice columns, but I haven't heard of any for dogs so I am going to start writing my own dogster advice column. I know the humans may not approve of my advice, but this column isn't for them. It is written by a dog (Demon Flash Bandit), for dogs, about dogs, and involving only dogs. We don't need any imput from the human community. It would be nice if I could reach all the dogs on dogster, but now I'll just have to help my friends. Maybe one day dogster will realize the importance of the column and put it on the main page so all the dogs can participate. I will be starting a group called Dog Advice from Demon Flash Bandit. You can either join my group and get your answers there, you can ask me by paw-mail and I'll either answer personally by paw-mail or I'll answer in my diary entry if it is something of interest to all dogs. (Make sure you tell me if it is personal so I can answer by paw-mail).

I'm sure you are wondering about the refrigerator door. It has a handle on the side. Put your paw inside the handle and pull is open. Don't worry about shutting it when you are done. That isn't your problem. HAHA

Mommy and Jeff are hanging around the house today which is annoying because there is a bunch of new snow outside and I think we should be outside playing in it. My humans are so silly. They like to stay inside where it is warm. They would make pathetic sled dogs.

I look forward to helping all you dogs with your various problems-particularly the ones with the humans.

Demon Flash Bandit (Advice Columnist)


Demon Flash Bandit is on the Job

December 31st 2007 9:50 am
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I'm glad my family lives a boring life because that means they probably won't be going out for New Year's Eve. I think they should stay with us anyway. I can't think of anything more fun than staying home with the Deemster unless it is going out with the Deemster. Mommy stayed home all day yesterday. It was rather boring, but I enjoyed it. It gave me plenty of time for napping which is one of my favorite activities. Jeff was home all day too. Sometimes Jeff gets the idea he can just leave the house with friends, and he never asks the dog's permission.

My family may be boring, but I'm not. For example, yesterday, I single pawedly caught a criminal who was planning to take over someone's house. Okay, I did so it singlepawedly, but it was Angel and she was trying to take my spot.

Seriously, I pretend to nap, but I have a special computer device that lets me monitor serious world situations while I look like I'm napping. Often I have to get up and put an end the whatever threat is facing us. It would be far more effective if I were president because I would have more power to stop some of this before it gets to the point where the Deemster has to step in and fix it. I don't want you dogs out there to worry. Demon Flash Bandit is on the job.

Have a wonderful holiday.

Demon Flash Bandit (World Guardian)


Commercial for Burger King

December 30th 2007 9:47 am
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Enter Demon Flash Bandit, the star of the commercial. He walks across the stage and the cameras are rolling. He gets in a car, and he drives. He passes McDonalds YUCK, Taco Belle YUCK, Wendy's YUCK......then he pulls into Burger KIng and goes through the drive through. He gets 5 burgers, and takes them home to eat them. The commercial ends with Demon giving a satisfied smile to the camera, and laying down for a nap.

Wouldn't that be a great Burger King Commercial? I can even hear the voice over saying Demon Flash Bandit prefers the grilled flavor of Burger King. If an executive of Burger King is reading this, you can contact my agent. Her names if Mommy. Send a paw mail and I'll make sure she gets it. By the way, Jeff thinks your Burger King guy looks kind of creepy. I could help your image. I've got a few marketing ideas to help BK get ahead of the rest of the fast food places, and believe me, Demon Flash Bandit has great ideas.

I do have to have time to run my presidential campaign so you'd better get me for the commercials before the election season because my calendar will get very full as time goes on.

I hope all you dogs are enjoying the weekend.

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Star)


No Sunglasses

December 29th 2007 12:40 pm
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I wonder if I can ban Angel from reading my diary entries. She read mine from yesterday, and although she had no problem with my message to the puppies, she had the nerve to tell me that she doesn't think I'm perfect and some New Year's Resolutions would be in order. Of course, she is completely and totally wrong so I'm ignoring her stupid suggestion. I think she is just jealous that she isn't as perfect as I am.

I hope all you dogs are enjoying the weekend. A lot of you will have your humans for some extra time which is always nice.

Mommy got a new pet catalog, and she was looking at dog sunglasses. I think catalogs like that should only be sent to dogs because we would rip them up. I don't have any plans to wear sun glasses. It sounds like a silly idea, and humans should not be allowed to see such things because they have very weak minds. I've got to go and see if I can find and destroy that stupid catalog. I don't care what ZZ Top says--I don't wear sunglasses at night--or during the day. The Blues Brothers may like their sunglasses, but I'm a dog, not a Blues Brother. Isn't wearing sunglasses at night kind of stupid anyway? That proves my point about humans. They aren't very smart.

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Who Doesn't Need SunGlasses)


New Year's Resolutions

December 28th 2007 12:31 pm
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Howl arf arf arf woof bark howl howl howl arf bark bark bark howl woof woof.

That was a special message for the puppies out there who can' t write and understand human yet. Their message is in dog so they will understand. We are born knowing how to read dog. Human is a little more difficult. If you are a human reading, you don't need to know what I told them--that is why it is in puppy language.

I had a busy day yesterday. I was napping, and then I got up and ate some BK. Mommy let me watch mine and Angel's favorite tv program, The Office. Mommy thinks it is amazing that we always seem to grab that dvd, and whenever it is on, we are usually relaxing. Luckily Mommy likes it too. It is one of the few shows without dogs in it that we like. Mommy has no idea why we like it, but we awarded ourselves a dundy award and a Dwight bobblehead so many times that Mommy had to put the special dvd set out of our reach which took some time because we managed to get it twice when Mommy didn't think we could reach it. We have talent for getting things we aren't supposed to get. Mommy went out and got pizza yesterday for dinner, and I was just glad to get BK. I don't like pizza at all. Angel used to eat it, but now she only picks off the toppings she likes.

The new year is fast approaching, and I know a lot of you dogs will make resolutions. I have already took care of mine. I asked myself if I could make any improvement on myself, and the answer was: no, I'm perfect the way I am so there is no need for resolutions. You can't improve perfection. Therefore, you won't see any New Year's resolutions listed for the Deemster. I say that with all humbleness because, as anyone who has read my past diary entries know, I am a truly wonderful dog.

I've got to go now. That silly Jeff thinks he should have some computer time. I don't see why. He doesn't have a page on dogster, and he gets no paw mail. He is on some other silly sites like My Space and Face Book (or Face It-You are a loser). Mommy will tell me to let him get on so I have to go. TDIF--Thank Dog Its Friday--now I can do some serious napping.

Demon Flash Bandit (Perfect Dog)

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