Adventures of a lead dog

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Don't Mess With Demon Flash Bandit

January 8th 2008 8:57 am
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Jeff read my dairy entry yesterday, and he pointed out that The Hulk was green because he was exposed to gamma radiation. The radiation made his adrenalin become extremely overactive which is why he became so muscular, and it also made him green. I say that if he had been exposed to gamma radiation, he would probably have cancer or be dead. It still doesn't explain why he got stronger and turned green. There is an interesting side note--he used to turn gray. I don't know what is scarier--the Hulk and his story or the fact that Jeff knows so many details. He also pointed out that the Fantastic Four were each exposed to the same thing, and each developed a different power. If you ask me, the Thing got the raw end of that deal. I do think the invisible power would be nice to have. I could go raid the candy, and Mommy wouldn't be able to see me. She would just think that a chocolate bar is flying through the house, and there would be no need to bother it because who in their right mind is going to mess with a flying candy bar? What is it decides to start shooting almonds at you for messing with it. It is not wise to mess with flying candy. Then I could sit down and enjoy the candy because I'd know it isn't really flying, but no one could see me because I'm invisible.

I'm looking around the room while I type on the computer, and it looks like a toy store in here, and not one squeaky anywhere. The humans have lousy taste in toys. There is one clown doll that has some sort of sock in his hand. Mommy said he used that to hit the children he was "entertaining" because he wasn't one of those typical clowns you normally see. He was on a prison release work program. His name is Homey and he used to be on a tv show called In Living Color. Mommy said he was a very cool clown, and Mommy thought he was hilarious. I notice that Mommy has his high enough so that Angel Zoom Smokey, or Puddles as she is lovingly called, can't reach him. The think I'm wondering is who would win in a fight--Homey or Angel Zoom Smokey with her puppy slaps of justice. If I were betting, I'd put my money on Angel Zoom Smokey. I've been the victim of those puppy slaps of justice, and she is very good with puppy slaps.

I haven't left for New Hampshire yet. It shouldn't take long. I'll talk to the 5 or 6 people who live there, and then I'll enjoy some delightful winter weather. I hope they have snow. I can't understand why there is such an important primary in a state that isn't as big as my paw on the map. I don't question such things because the humans are really silly so I know there isn't a logical answer. If I have to go to Rhode Island, that should be even quicker. I also wonder why those states are so small. Mass. should be really angry. After their large role in the revolution, all they got is a small amount of land. You'd think they would have demanded more land. Penn. and Virginia got a nice chunk and Mass. really got cheated. I'd also like to know why Texas is so huge. Did they just get tired of carving states into little pieces by then or (this is my theory) did no one want to actually go there to do the surveying necessary to carve it into smaller states? Texas was its own country before it became a state. I think it was called Don't Mess With Texas. Was it called the Lone Star state because there was only one sheriff in the entire state? Perhaps they could only afford one badge? I hope the people in Texas have a sense of humor. Mommy knows they do because she has relatives there, and they have to have a sense of humor to have sent George W. to the White House. He is a very funny guy. Its too bad he didn't decide to go into stand up comedy instead of politics. He would be far more successful in comedy--and the country would be in much better shape. I hate to even think how much work there is going to be for me to do.

I hope all you dogs out there have a nice day, and if you live in Texas, I hope you aren't a husky because it is way too hot there for a husky--my opinion.

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog With Ideas)

 

Hulk and his Color Choices

January 7th 2008 10:50 am
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Mommy and Jeff left the house again, and I had to babysit William. Now Angel is whining about not getting paid for babysitting, and she doesn't even watch him. She is busy chatting on her cell phone. I read her diary entry last night, and she was complaining about Santa Paws and his stinginess. She is calling him Stingy Claus around the house. I'm not saying she isn't a little disappointed, but she had a list of stuff she wanted that was 200 pages, and then she faxed another 300 pages. Quite frankly, she hasn't even been that good. I pointed that out, and she told me to mind my own business because I was annoying the "puddles" out of her, and Santa is supposed to bring a dog what she wants, and she was asking for stuff she needs and I wouldn't know anything about it because I'm a male and males are stupid, BLAH BLAH BLAH I had to get my paws away from her because she was giving me a headache with her constant whining. I feel so sorry for Santa Paws. She is even planning to give him some puppy slaps of justice. At least she won't be bugging the Deemster if she is puppy slapping Santa Paws.

Back to my original topic, Mommy and Jeff went to see movies. Jeff saw Alien Vs. Predator which means Jeff will pay actual money to see any lousy movie out there (I'm just repeating what Mommy said about the movie--Mommy said she didn't like Alien or Predator, and she didn't need to see them together on the big screen). Mommy went to see WaterHorse which she said was a very good movie. She said the Waterhorse was nice, and was a pet to a little boy. It even had a dog in the movie, and one was an extra walking around in the town. If Jeff's movie had a dog in it, it was probably eaten before the movie ended. I've got to agree with Mommy. Jeff seems to like really bad movies. I've told him over and over, go see the ones with dogs in them. Most of the time, dogs won't be in bad movies. We have our standards.

Mommy was busy getting packages ready to mail last night, and I spent the night guarding 2 BKs that I was too full to eat. Angel and I both got dingo bones when Mommy got home.

I do try to think of thought provoking things for you dogs out there to think about when you are bored. Today's thought is: Why is the Incredible Hulk Green? I know he becomes a big, hulking, muscular guy when he is mad, but why is he green? Isn't that kind of odd? It seems that it would be hard enough to change into the big, muscular guy, but to turn green as well. Why not purple or blue or orange? Why green? Is Kermit the Frog one of his parents ant the green is a recessive trait that comes out when he gets angry. Does he ever sit around singing, It's Not Easy Being Green when he is in a mellow mood. I guess that isn't possible because if he gets in a mellow mood, he isn't green anymore. Wouldn't red be a more appropriate color for anger. Maybe he could just become green when he is jealous. We've all heard that expression---green with envy. Why doesn't he go to anger management classes? I've heard a lot of people go to them. I think they sit people down and ask them why they get angry, and then when they find out whey, they do the stuff that makes them angry because it is fun to see them riled up. Okay, that is what I would do for kicks if I were in charge of the classes which might explain why I got fired from that job. I've got to admit, it was fun while it lasted.

I guess I'd better get back to my presidentail campaign. I'm thinking of going to New Hampshire to campaign there, and it has nothing to do with their delightful (to a sled dog) winter weather. Hello New Hampshire--remember Demon Flash Bandit is running for President. Who would be better at RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT--a human or a sled dog? The obvious answer is: THE SLED DOG. I hope all of you humans remember that when you vote in the primaries.

Demon Flash Bandit (Black and White--not Green)

 

Mummies Should Buy Some Tape

January 6th 2008 11:01 am
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Jeff finally got home last night after being gone for far too long. He was gone so long that Angel said she barely remembered him, and had to give him lots of kisses to get to know him again. He had become a total stranger. He must have been gone for 7 or 8 hours. Angel gets very excited when people arrive home. She acts like Dino on The Flintstones. It wouldn't surprise me if she knocked someone down so she can kiss them better.

Anyway, I've been working on some secret projects which obviously I can't tell you about or they wouldn't be secret anymore. I can tell you that they are vital to our national security. Okay, maybe they aren't, but they are still secret, and I'm not telling anyone what I"m up to. By the way, isn't opening the fridge vital to national security? I'm not saying that is what I'm doing. I am, in fact, not even thinking about opening it. The project is something totally different.

I also have been wondering about something I saw recently. The Mummy (Im sure most of you have seen at least one mummy movie) is covered in bandages and there seems to be no adhesive tape. I realize maybe it wasn't invented when he died, but shouldn't he stop by the pharmacy and pick some up? His bandages are falling off, and I for one do not want to see what a man who has been dead for thousands of years looks like. I'm guessing he isn't good looking under all those bandages. Couldn't someone give him some tape? Maybe it would put him in a better mood. He might even end up being friendly. If not, I say let the dogs take care of him. Any culture that worshipped cats is very warped. I'm not putting down ancient Egypt, but ask any dog, even those of us who like cats, and we will tell you that they should not be worshipped. Humans back then must have been real idiots. I won't even get into the whole scarub thing. They are just bugs. Yes, you read correctly BUGS. I know Egypt was a great civilization, but what were they thinking--cats and bugs? We dogs do not approve.

I guess I'd better get back to my project. I hope all you dogs out there are enjoying a nice Sunday afternoon.

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Who Doesn't Worship Cats)

 

January 5th 2008 2:33 pm
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I got a paw-mail from Phoebe, and we are officially engaged. It is so nice to have such a lovely girl as my intended. I guess we will be talking about wedding plans. Maybe we'll get married in the White House. Wouldn't that be a lovely ceremony?

Mommy and Jeff went to see Sweeny Todd at the theatre last night. I saw the trailer for that movie, and I only have one thing to say about Sweeny Todd--I'm glad he is not a dog groomer!!! This is why I have no use for dog groomers or anyone who wants to give me a bath or cut my nails. How do you know you can trust these people? (When Mommy decides to bathe me, she becomes a total stranger to me.) What if you get someone like Sweeny Todd? That is all I have to say on the grooming matter. I lick myself clean. It is a little trick I learned from the cats who hung around us puppies at the breeders' place.

Jeff is out with a friend, and he didn't get my permission. I'm going to have to have a long talk with that kid. Maybe I'll hire Sweeny Todd to cut his hair. HA
He has to learn he can't leave without the Deemster.

Mommy brought us dingo bones last night, and I was full so I let Angel have mine. She was one happy puppy. I am nice to Angel when I'm in the mood.

It is Saturday, I'm not wearing any silly sunglasses even though Mommy tried to buy me some, I've got a bag of bacon and cheese flavor milkbone that I used as a pillow last night, and I'm a happy dog. I hope all you dogs out there are happy.

Demon Flash Bandit (Engaged Dog)

 

Cats Should Not Drive!!!!!

January 4th 2008 10:47 am
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I have some sad news today. Phoebe wanted to get married, and I didn't get back to her and then I read her diary and found that I had really hurt her. I didn't mean to. You know how us male dogs are-especially us huskies. We were bred to run. Anyway, after some time and thought, I decided it would be nice to be engaged to Phoebe, but I paw mailed her, and I haven't heard from her so I guess she is mad at me. I hope she forgives me because I didn't mean to take so long to think it over. I think we males just get scared off when girls get clingy, but Phoebe is one beautiful dog and I don't want to lose her. If she is reading this, Phoebe, I'm very sorry that I didn't paw mail you immediately. I hope you understand. I am honored that you love me.

I guess you dogs out there don't need any advice at the moment which is good. That must mean everything is going well for all of you. I hope the new year is treating you good.

I do want to say that I was reading the news yesterday, and there was another sad story about a highway fatality. How long will it take for the humans to face the fact that CATS SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED TO DRIVE. They are terrible drivers. Toonses could never be trusted to drive because Toonses always drove the car off a cliff. DOGS ARE THE ONLY ONES WHO SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO HAVE LICENSES, and Mommy says the states won't give us licenses. There is something terribly wrong with a system that will give a cat a license to drive and not a dog. This is another matter I will address when I become president.

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Who Knows Not To Drive Off A Cliff)

 

How To Deal With A Puppy in the Family

January 3rd 2008 1:51 pm
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Demon Flash Bandit, advice dog, is here to help any dogs that need advice. I'm going to start with advice for those of you with younger dogs in the house. Angel will be one year old in March, and she is always up in my business and bugging the bejesus out for me. If I try to run away, she is following me like a black and white shadow. Here is a simple strategy that I saw on a Tom and Jerry cartoon. Put a trail of food to the crate, and when the puppy "takes the bait" and ends up inside the crate, shut the door. Make sure when you do this that the puppy doesn't have a utility belt with more stuff than Batman has in his belt. She had wire clippers in a holster on her shoulder, and before I knew it, she was running around again following me and back in my business. My second plan was to give her some money to go to a movie, and that did get me a few hours of peace. The important thing to remember in dealing with a puppy is not to give up. They are easy to fool. I once got 3 hours peace just by drawing a cave on the wall. Angel went inside it and played for hours. She told me she was having fun with the Roadrunner. They were watching the coyote get hurt. She had a lovely time.
I've got to get back to my nap.

Demon Flash Bandit (Advice Dog)

 

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!

January 2nd 2008 10:06 am
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How is the new year treating all you dogs out there? A few minutes ago, Mommy was on the computer (she hogs it just like Jeff does), and I brought her a box with her giant white chocolate snowman in it. I could have easily hidden somewhere and opened the box myself and ate the what was left (he is now about 1/3 of a snowman, but I was a good dog. Because Mommy said I was a good dog, I got 2 bites. I thought she would give me the whole thing, but at least I got a couple of bites. Sometimes it pays to be a good dog. It was her snowman so I didn't want to take it without permission. If it were just a candy bar laying around the house, the Deemster would have been eating good.

The snow we woke up to yesterday was wonderful. Do my humans appreciate it? No, they think it is lousy and I actually heard Mommy say that she was hoping the weather forecast was wrong.

Angel is trying to walk on her back paws. I don't know what she is thinking, but evidently she thinks if the humans can do it, so can she. She gets some odd ideas in her cute little head.

I hope all you dogs have a wonderful new year, and remember that I'm running for president so I need those votes. There have been far too many humans in the White House, and you know how stupid the humans are.

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog With a Mission)

 

Dog Advice from the Deemster

January 1st 2008 1:32 pm
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It is the new year, and as I previously mentioned, I'm not making any resolutions because you can't improve perfection. Mommy could stand to make quite a few:
1. Let the dog have his chocolate
2. Let the dog eat all the candy he wants (Mike and Ikes, Swedish Fish, etc.)
3. Get rid of the leash
4. Take the dog everywhere you go.

That is just 4 off the top of my head. There are a lot more improvements Mommy could make in herself if she and I really gave it some serious thought. The main problem is that most humans keep their New Year's Resolutions for approximately 10 minutes before breaking them. In fact, some break them in less time than it took to make them. I guess I won't even mention it to Mommy because I don't have much faith in her ability to follow through. Let's face it, humans just aren't as strong minded as us dogs.

My pal Alley, recently had a problem with the refrigerator door. Her Mommy put some jam cake in there which she thought it was too rich for Alley. Of course, Alley wanted some and that was the dilemna. I paw mailed insructions for opening the refrigerator door. That event has made me realize how many situations there are out there dogs need some help with. The humans have advice columns, but I haven't heard of any for dogs so I am going to start writing my own dogster advice column. I know the humans may not approve of my advice, but this column isn't for them. It is written by a dog (Demon Flash Bandit), for dogs, about dogs, and involving only dogs. We don't need any imput from the human community. It would be nice if I could reach all the dogs on dogster, but now I'll just have to help my friends. Maybe one day dogster will realize the importance of the column and put it on the main page so all the dogs can participate. I will be starting a group called Dog Advice from Demon Flash Bandit. You can either join my group and get your answers there, you can ask me by paw-mail and I'll either answer personally by paw-mail or I'll answer in my diary entry if it is something of interest to all dogs. (Make sure you tell me if it is personal so I can answer by paw-mail).

I'm sure you are wondering about the refrigerator door. It has a handle on the side. Put your paw inside the handle and pull is open. Don't worry about shutting it when you are done. That isn't your problem. HAHA

Mommy and Jeff are hanging around the house today which is annoying because there is a bunch of new snow outside and I think we should be outside playing in it. My humans are so silly. They like to stay inside where it is warm. They would make pathetic sled dogs.

I look forward to helping all you dogs with your various problems-particularly the ones with the humans.

Demon Flash Bandit (Advice Columnist)

 

Demon Flash Bandit is on the Job

December 31st 2007 9:50 am
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I'm glad my family lives a boring life because that means they probably won't be going out for New Year's Eve. I think they should stay with us anyway. I can't think of anything more fun than staying home with the Deemster unless it is going out with the Deemster. Mommy stayed home all day yesterday. It was rather boring, but I enjoyed it. It gave me plenty of time for napping which is one of my favorite activities. Jeff was home all day too. Sometimes Jeff gets the idea he can just leave the house with friends, and he never asks the dog's permission.

My family may be boring, but I'm not. For example, yesterday, I single pawedly caught a criminal who was planning to take over someone's house. Okay, I did so it singlepawedly, but it was Angel and she was trying to take my spot.

Seriously, I pretend to nap, but I have a special computer device that lets me monitor serious world situations while I look like I'm napping. Often I have to get up and put an end the whatever threat is facing us. It would be far more effective if I were president because I would have more power to stop some of this before it gets to the point where the Deemster has to step in and fix it. I don't want you dogs out there to worry. Demon Flash Bandit is on the job.

Have a wonderful holiday.

Demon Flash Bandit (World Guardian)

 

Commercial for Burger King

December 30th 2007 9:47 am
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LIGHTS.......CAMERA.........ACTION............
Enter Demon Flash Bandit, the star of the commercial. He walks across the stage and the cameras are rolling. He gets in a car, and he drives. He passes McDonalds YUCK, Taco Belle YUCK, Wendy's YUCK......then he pulls into Burger KIng and goes through the drive through. He gets 5 burgers, and takes them home to eat them. The commercial ends with Demon giving a satisfied smile to the camera, and laying down for a nap.

Wouldn't that be a great Burger King Commercial? I can even hear the voice over saying Demon Flash Bandit prefers the grilled flavor of Burger King. If an executive of Burger King is reading this, you can contact my agent. Her names if Mommy. Send a paw mail and I'll make sure she gets it. By the way, Jeff thinks your Burger King guy looks kind of creepy. I could help your image. I've got a few marketing ideas to help BK get ahead of the rest of the fast food places, and believe me, Demon Flash Bandit has great ideas.

I do have to have time to run my presidential campaign so you'd better get me for the commercials before the election season because my calendar will get very full as time goes on.

I hope all you dogs are enjoying the weekend.

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Star)

 
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