Adventures of a lead dog

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Does Anybody Really Know What Time It Is--Thanks Chicago

January 11th 2008 10:21 am
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Demon Flash Bandit reporting for duty writing my diary entry. It is sometime of day. The computer has lost the time so maybe time no longer exists, and I am in some kind of strange time limbo. Perhaps time has lost all meaning, and none of us will age anymore. Then again, maybe the computer is nuts. Perhaps it is just playing mind games with me. It knows I am smarter than it is and it has made the computer angry, and it is now turning into, I'm not telling anyone what time it actually is computer. It could be plotting with other computers to take over the world. It could cause mass panic--imagine a world where computers refuse to tell everyone the time. It is such a brilliant plan, but it has one little drawback. Computers, we also have clocks so we aren't totally dependent on you----YET. Now that I've thwarted the evil computer's plan, I will move on to a new subject.

I've noticed that we dogs never really get the credit we deserve. Sure, you leave a wet spot on the carpet, the humans will give us credit for that. (I suspect it is often the humans, and we are the scapegoats.) I was thinking about the old radio and tv show called The Lone Ranger. Sure, the Lone Ranger was an okay guy even if he did wear a mask. Since he is a good guy, I"m not quite sure why he needed to hide his identity. Maybe he couldn't make up his mind at first whether to be a good guy or a bad guy so he started wearing the mask "just in case", and it he thought it made him look good so it stayed. I also wonder just how good that mask was at hiding his identity. I think if he had dressed as a crayon or a horse, it would be more effective. Had he dressed as a horse, Tonto would have had to share the costume with him, and you know Tonto would have gotten the rear end of that deal. Anyway, that is what I wan'ted to bring up. Poor Tonto--he was always there at the Lone Ranger's side, and did he get the proper credit for what he did to help--no he did not. It is like the way us dogs are treated. We stand by the humans, but we don't get the proper credit. When you see the Oscars, is there an award for the best movie side kick. No, there is not. I think Tonto should have gotten a dog, named her Angel Zoom Smokey, and let her give the Lone Ranger some puppy slaps of justice. I'm sure she could slap some sense into the Lone Ranger. I just saw a banner ad for Universal Studios that said you can experience Jaws. Angel Zoom Smokey didn't tell me she had an engagement at Universal. In addition to Jaws, you can also get a puppy slap. It is one experience I wouldn't pay for. Are the people at Universal sane? I think they took out the Back to the Future Ride at the one in Orlando, and that was, in Mommy's opinion, the best ride they had. Now they are bringing in Jaws. I think a husky needs to take charge of that amusment part because the idiot running it is obviously dumber than a rock. Did they let George W. run Universal in addition to being president? It sounds like something he would come up with. Cheney, let's drop the Back to the Future Ride and bring in Jaws. It will train people to handle terrorists if they happen to use sharks for their next attack. He is still angry because of the popularity of Clinton's ride which will not admit anyone under the age of 21, and evidently is very popular. Batman knew how to handle sharks. In the tv movie, he happened to have shark repellent in his utility belt. If Universal were smart. they would sell shark repellent at the entrance to the ride. Cedar Point has a brilliant marketing plan before their Thunder Canyon ride. The ride gets you wet so they sell waterproof bags for your valuables before you get on the ride, and towels when you get off. They get my Demon Flash Bandit Brilliant Marketing Plan Award. How many places can come up with so many ways to make extra money? Congratulations Cedar Point. Now if only you would quit taking out every non-roller coaster ride to make room for yet another roller coaster, Mommy might actually visit you again. She has been boycotting Cedar Point because Mommy hates roller coasters, and she sees no reason why a park can't have all types of rides. If you really want to scare the teens, get a computer image of what they will look like in 50 years. Time (as computers know) is far more scary than any ride humans can think up.

Speaking of time, I've been on the computer long enough, and it is nap time.
I am wishing everyone a wonderful weekend.

Demon Flash Bandit (Time-Keeper)

 

January 10th 2008 9:48 am
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It was nice to get on dogster today and see my pal, Savannah Blue Belle was diary of the day. I remember how many new pals requests I got when I was diary of the day last November 21, so I bet she is going to be very busy answering pal requests. I'm so happy for her. She is a great pal. It is always nice to see one of your pals on the main page. She has had such a rough time lately taking care of the new hairball her Mommy brought home. My Mommy thought I needed company too. I think they should invent a robot puppy that you can enjoy playing with, but you can turn it off when it is time for your food, treats, and toys. Real puppies think they can take what is yours, and everything is mine. Last night Mommy came home with 4 new toys. She said 2 were for Angel and 2 were for me. My Demon Flash Bandit math said 4 toys were for me. I like my math better.

Mommy and Jeff went to see movies last night. Mommy saw P.S. I Love You, and Jeff went to see Waterhorse. It was nice to get the new toys when they came home.

I had a long chat with Jeff, and there are no miniature Burger King buildings in the basement so my dreams of ordering burgers at 3:00 am are over. I am so sad. Our local BK is open 24 hours a day so it is nice to know that Mommy can still drive me there at 3:00 am so I guess it is okay that there isn't one in the house. It would be far more convenient to walk into the computer room and order a burger. I'm only thinking of Mommy.

Savannah's brother, Samoa SunnyBear Belle, has made a Valentine for Angel and put it on his page. Now there is no living with the spoiled puppy. If I hear her brag about her Valentine one more time, I"m going to lose my Milkbone, and I'm going to lose them on her. HAHAHA

Angel wants to get on the computer. I think she plans on writing her boyfriend Sunny. Puppy love is so disgusting. Whoever said it was cute wasn't living with Angel Zoom Smokey.

Demon Flash Bandit (Pals With a Diary of the Day Dog)

 

Jeff needs to find a miniature Burger King building

January 9th 2008 10:14 am
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I'm back at the computer because it is time for me to impart my words of wisdom to all you dogs out there. Angel Zoom Smokey has actually written 2 diary entries since I wrote mine. It is amazing because she has been so busy helping Jeff with his stand up comedy. I guess she found some spare time to write. I know she enjoys talking to all the dogs in the world. I read her entries, and today she is complaining about Disney. You'd think she would be nicer to the Disney studios since they hired some of her relatives for Snow Dogs and Eight Below. She does approve of those movies. She thinks the old cartoon movies are CGI movies. She is still a puppy, and doesn't realize that they didn't have computer animation when those movies were made.

Jeff has been in the basement again. Mommy says she thinks he is bringing everything in the basement to the main floor and he puts it in the room with the computer where a dog is supposed to work. Luckily, we dogs don't mind messy rooms. I am a bit offended because there is a McDonalds building in here, and I would prefer a Burger King building. I don't know how they expect to operate a McDonalds from such a small building. I guess there must be a way because it has the golden arches and everything. I'm going to discuss it with Jeff and ask him if he can find me a Burger King building in the basement so I can order a burger whenever I feel like it. If I want one at 4:00 am, I could just walk in and ask for a burger. Wouldn't that be great? Maybe I should go to the basement and see what is down there, but I never go to the basement. Mommy carried me down there twice when I was a puppy, but I didn't like it, and I've never went down the stairs on my own.

Mommy went by the store yesterday, and bought us more Milkbones, and of course, she stopped at Burger King for our dinner. Angel didn't want any burgers because she was eating some dog food. I don't know what is wrong with her--she chose dog food over BK. I think she needs her taste buds checked. Anyway, the extras are in the fridge so I know I have dinner even if the weather gets too bad to go out to get them.

Our weather got surprisingly warm for January, and it really annoyed Angel and me. Something has got to be done with those birds and their snow stealing. I hope when I become president that there is still time to deal with those little flying rodents. I hate birds.

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Who Prefers BK)

 

Don't Mess With Demon Flash Bandit

January 8th 2008 8:57 am
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Jeff read my dairy entry yesterday, and he pointed out that The Hulk was green because he was exposed to gamma radiation. The radiation made his adrenalin become extremely overactive which is why he became so muscular, and it also made him green. I say that if he had been exposed to gamma radiation, he would probably have cancer or be dead. It still doesn't explain why he got stronger and turned green. There is an interesting side note--he used to turn gray. I don't know what is scarier--the Hulk and his story or the fact that Jeff knows so many details. He also pointed out that the Fantastic Four were each exposed to the same thing, and each developed a different power. If you ask me, the Thing got the raw end of that deal. I do think the invisible power would be nice to have. I could go raid the candy, and Mommy wouldn't be able to see me. She would just think that a chocolate bar is flying through the house, and there would be no need to bother it because who in their right mind is going to mess with a flying candy bar? What is it decides to start shooting almonds at you for messing with it. It is not wise to mess with flying candy. Then I could sit down and enjoy the candy because I'd know it isn't really flying, but no one could see me because I'm invisible.

I'm looking around the room while I type on the computer, and it looks like a toy store in here, and not one squeaky anywhere. The humans have lousy taste in toys. There is one clown doll that has some sort of sock in his hand. Mommy said he used that to hit the children he was "entertaining" because he wasn't one of those typical clowns you normally see. He was on a prison release work program. His name is Homey and he used to be on a tv show called In Living Color. Mommy said he was a very cool clown, and Mommy thought he was hilarious. I notice that Mommy has his high enough so that Angel Zoom Smokey, or Puddles as she is lovingly called, can't reach him. The think I'm wondering is who would win in a fight--Homey or Angel Zoom Smokey with her puppy slaps of justice. If I were betting, I'd put my money on Angel Zoom Smokey. I've been the victim of those puppy slaps of justice, and she is very good with puppy slaps.

I haven't left for New Hampshire yet. It shouldn't take long. I'll talk to the 5 or 6 people who live there, and then I'll enjoy some delightful winter weather. I hope they have snow. I can't understand why there is such an important primary in a state that isn't as big as my paw on the map. I don't question such things because the humans are really silly so I know there isn't a logical answer. If I have to go to Rhode Island, that should be even quicker. I also wonder why those states are so small. Mass. should be really angry. After their large role in the revolution, all they got is a small amount of land. You'd think they would have demanded more land. Penn. and Virginia got a nice chunk and Mass. really got cheated. I'd also like to know why Texas is so huge. Did they just get tired of carving states into little pieces by then or (this is my theory) did no one want to actually go there to do the surveying necessary to carve it into smaller states? Texas was its own country before it became a state. I think it was called Don't Mess With Texas. Was it called the Lone Star state because there was only one sheriff in the entire state? Perhaps they could only afford one badge? I hope the people in Texas have a sense of humor. Mommy knows they do because she has relatives there, and they have to have a sense of humor to have sent George W. to the White House. He is a very funny guy. Its too bad he didn't decide to go into stand up comedy instead of politics. He would be far more successful in comedy--and the country would be in much better shape. I hate to even think how much work there is going to be for me to do.

I hope all you dogs out there have a nice day, and if you live in Texas, I hope you aren't a husky because it is way too hot there for a husky--my opinion.

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog With Ideas)

 

Don't Mess With Demon Flash Bandit

January 8th 2008 8:57 am
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Jeff read my dairy entry yesterday, and he pointed out that The Hulk was green because he was exposed to gamma radiation. The radiation made his adrenalin become extremely overactive which is why he became so muscular, and it also made him green. I say that if he had been exposed to gamma radiation, he would probably have cancer or be dead. It still doesn't explain why he got stronger and turned green. There is an interesting side note--he used to turn gray. I don't know what is scarier--the Hulk and his story or the fact that Jeff knows so many details. He also pointed out that the Fantastic Four were each exposed to the same thing, and each developed a different power. If you ask me, the Thing got the raw end of that deal. I do think the invisible power would be nice to have. I could go raid the candy, and Mommy wouldn't be able to see me. She would just think that a chocolate bar is flying through the house, and there would be no need to bother it because who in their right mind is going to mess with a flying candy bar? What is it decides to start shooting almonds at you for messing with it. It is not wise to mess with flying candy. Then I could sit down and enjoy the candy because I'd know it isn't really flying, but no one could see me because I'm invisible.

I'm looking around the room while I type on the computer, and it looks like a toy store in here, and not one squeaky anywhere. The humans have lousy taste in toys. There is one clown doll that has some sort of sock in his hand. Mommy said he used that to hit the children he was "entertaining" because he wasn't one of those typical clowns you normally see. He was on a prison release work program. His name is Homey and he used to be on a tv show called In Living Color. Mommy said he was a very cool clown, and Mommy thought he was hilarious. I notice that Mommy has his high enough so that Angel Zoom Smokey, or Puddles as she is lovingly called, can't reach him. The think I'm wondering is who would win in a fight--Homey or Angel Zoom Smokey with her puppy slaps of justice. If I were betting, I'd put my money on Angel Zoom Smokey. I've been the victim of those puppy slaps of justice, and she is very good with puppy slaps.

I haven't left for New Hampshire yet. It shouldn't take long. I'll talk to the 5 or 6 people who live there, and then I'll enjoy some delightful winter weather. I hope they have snow. I can't understand why there is such an important primary in a state that isn't as big as my paw on the map. I don't question such things because the humans are really silly so I know there isn't a logical answer. If I have to go to Rhode Island, that should be even quicker. I also wonder why those states are so small. Mass. should be really angry. After their large role in the revolution, all they got is a small amount of land. You'd think they would have demanded more land. Penn. and Virginia got a nice chunk and Mass. really got cheated. I'd also like to know why Texas is so huge. Did they just get tired of carving states into little pieces by then or (this is my theory) did no one want to actually go there to do the surveying necessary to carve it into smaller states? Texas was its own country before it became a state. I think it was called Don't Mess With Texas. Was it called the Lone Star state because there was only one sheriff in the entire state? Perhaps they could only afford one badge? I hope the people in Texas have a sense of humor. Mommy knows they do because she has relatives there, and they have to have a sense of humor to have sent George W. to the White House. He is a very funny guy. Its too bad he didn't decide to go into stand up comedy instead of politics. He would be far more successful in comedy--and the country would be in much better shape. I hate to even think how much work there is going to be for me to do.

I hope all you dogs out there have a nice day, and if you live in Texas, I hope you aren't a husky because it is way too hot there for a husky--my opinion.

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog With Ideas)

 

Hulk and his Color Choices

January 7th 2008 10:50 am
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Mommy and Jeff left the house again, and I had to babysit William. Now Angel is whining about not getting paid for babysitting, and she doesn't even watch him. She is busy chatting on her cell phone. I read her diary entry last night, and she was complaining about Santa Paws and his stinginess. She is calling him Stingy Claus around the house. I'm not saying she isn't a little disappointed, but she had a list of stuff she wanted that was 200 pages, and then she faxed another 300 pages. Quite frankly, she hasn't even been that good. I pointed that out, and she told me to mind my own business because I was annoying the "puddles" out of her, and Santa is supposed to bring a dog what she wants, and she was asking for stuff she needs and I wouldn't know anything about it because I'm a male and males are stupid, BLAH BLAH BLAH I had to get my paws away from her because she was giving me a headache with her constant whining. I feel so sorry for Santa Paws. She is even planning to give him some puppy slaps of justice. At least she won't be bugging the Deemster if she is puppy slapping Santa Paws.

Back to my original topic, Mommy and Jeff went to see movies. Jeff saw Alien Vs. Predator which means Jeff will pay actual money to see any lousy movie out there (I'm just repeating what Mommy said about the movie--Mommy said she didn't like Alien or Predator, and she didn't need to see them together on the big screen). Mommy went to see WaterHorse which she said was a very good movie. She said the Waterhorse was nice, and was a pet to a little boy. It even had a dog in the movie, and one was an extra walking around in the town. If Jeff's movie had a dog in it, it was probably eaten before the movie ended. I've got to agree with Mommy. Jeff seems to like really bad movies. I've told him over and over, go see the ones with dogs in them. Most of the time, dogs won't be in bad movies. We have our standards.

Mommy was busy getting packages ready to mail last night, and I spent the night guarding 2 BKs that I was too full to eat. Angel and I both got dingo bones when Mommy got home.

I do try to think of thought provoking things for you dogs out there to think about when you are bored. Today's thought is: Why is the Incredible Hulk Green? I know he becomes a big, hulking, muscular guy when he is mad, but why is he green? Isn't that kind of odd? It seems that it would be hard enough to change into the big, muscular guy, but to turn green as well. Why not purple or blue or orange? Why green? Is Kermit the Frog one of his parents ant the green is a recessive trait that comes out when he gets angry. Does he ever sit around singing, It's Not Easy Being Green when he is in a mellow mood. I guess that isn't possible because if he gets in a mellow mood, he isn't green anymore. Wouldn't red be a more appropriate color for anger. Maybe he could just become green when he is jealous. We've all heard that expression---green with envy. Why doesn't he go to anger management classes? I've heard a lot of people go to them. I think they sit people down and ask them why they get angry, and then when they find out whey, they do the stuff that makes them angry because it is fun to see them riled up. Okay, that is what I would do for kicks if I were in charge of the classes which might explain why I got fired from that job. I've got to admit, it was fun while it lasted.

I guess I'd better get back to my presidentail campaign. I'm thinking of going to New Hampshire to campaign there, and it has nothing to do with their delightful (to a sled dog) winter weather. Hello New Hampshire--remember Demon Flash Bandit is running for President. Who would be better at RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT--a human or a sled dog? The obvious answer is: THE SLED DOG. I hope all of you humans remember that when you vote in the primaries.

Demon Flash Bandit (Black and White--not Green)

 

Mummies Should Buy Some Tape

January 6th 2008 11:01 am
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Jeff finally got home last night after being gone for far too long. He was gone so long that Angel said she barely remembered him, and had to give him lots of kisses to get to know him again. He had become a total stranger. He must have been gone for 7 or 8 hours. Angel gets very excited when people arrive home. She acts like Dino on The Flintstones. It wouldn't surprise me if she knocked someone down so she can kiss them better.

Anyway, I've been working on some secret projects which obviously I can't tell you about or they wouldn't be secret anymore. I can tell you that they are vital to our national security. Okay, maybe they aren't, but they are still secret, and I'm not telling anyone what I"m up to. By the way, isn't opening the fridge vital to national security? I'm not saying that is what I'm doing. I am, in fact, not even thinking about opening it. The project is something totally different.

I also have been wondering about something I saw recently. The Mummy (Im sure most of you have seen at least one mummy movie) is covered in bandages and there seems to be no adhesive tape. I realize maybe it wasn't invented when he died, but shouldn't he stop by the pharmacy and pick some up? His bandages are falling off, and I for one do not want to see what a man who has been dead for thousands of years looks like. I'm guessing he isn't good looking under all those bandages. Couldn't someone give him some tape? Maybe it would put him in a better mood. He might even end up being friendly. If not, I say let the dogs take care of him. Any culture that worshipped cats is very warped. I'm not putting down ancient Egypt, but ask any dog, even those of us who like cats, and we will tell you that they should not be worshipped. Humans back then must have been real idiots. I won't even get into the whole scarub thing. They are just bugs. Yes, you read correctly BUGS. I know Egypt was a great civilization, but what were they thinking--cats and bugs? We dogs do not approve.

I guess I'd better get back to my project. I hope all you dogs out there are enjoying a nice Sunday afternoon.

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Who Doesn't Worship Cats)

 

January 5th 2008 2:33 pm
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I got a paw-mail from Phoebe, and we are officially engaged. It is so nice to have such a lovely girl as my intended. I guess we will be talking about wedding plans. Maybe we'll get married in the White House. Wouldn't that be a lovely ceremony?

Mommy and Jeff went to see Sweeny Todd at the theatre last night. I saw the trailer for that movie, and I only have one thing to say about Sweeny Todd--I'm glad he is not a dog groomer!!! This is why I have no use for dog groomers or anyone who wants to give me a bath or cut my nails. How do you know you can trust these people? (When Mommy decides to bathe me, she becomes a total stranger to me.) What if you get someone like Sweeny Todd? That is all I have to say on the grooming matter. I lick myself clean. It is a little trick I learned from the cats who hung around us puppies at the breeders' place.

Jeff is out with a friend, and he didn't get my permission. I'm going to have to have a long talk with that kid. Maybe I'll hire Sweeny Todd to cut his hair. HA
He has to learn he can't leave without the Deemster.

Mommy brought us dingo bones last night, and I was full so I let Angel have mine. She was one happy puppy. I am nice to Angel when I'm in the mood.

It is Saturday, I'm not wearing any silly sunglasses even though Mommy tried to buy me some, I've got a bag of bacon and cheese flavor milkbone that I used as a pillow last night, and I'm a happy dog. I hope all you dogs out there are happy.

Demon Flash Bandit (Engaged Dog)

 

Cats Should Not Drive!!!!!

January 4th 2008 10:47 am
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I have some sad news today. Phoebe wanted to get married, and I didn't get back to her and then I read her diary and found that I had really hurt her. I didn't mean to. You know how us male dogs are-especially us huskies. We were bred to run. Anyway, after some time and thought, I decided it would be nice to be engaged to Phoebe, but I paw mailed her, and I haven't heard from her so I guess she is mad at me. I hope she forgives me because I didn't mean to take so long to think it over. I think we males just get scared off when girls get clingy, but Phoebe is one beautiful dog and I don't want to lose her. If she is reading this, Phoebe, I'm very sorry that I didn't paw mail you immediately. I hope you understand. I am honored that you love me.

I guess you dogs out there don't need any advice at the moment which is good. That must mean everything is going well for all of you. I hope the new year is treating you good.

I do want to say that I was reading the news yesterday, and there was another sad story about a highway fatality. How long will it take for the humans to face the fact that CATS SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED TO DRIVE. They are terrible drivers. Toonses could never be trusted to drive because Toonses always drove the car off a cliff. DOGS ARE THE ONLY ONES WHO SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO HAVE LICENSES, and Mommy says the states won't give us licenses. There is something terribly wrong with a system that will give a cat a license to drive and not a dog. This is another matter I will address when I become president.

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Who Knows Not To Drive Off A Cliff)

 

How To Deal With A Puppy in the Family

January 3rd 2008 1:51 pm
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Demon Flash Bandit, advice dog, is here to help any dogs that need advice. I'm going to start with advice for those of you with younger dogs in the house. Angel will be one year old in March, and she is always up in my business and bugging the bejesus out for me. If I try to run away, she is following me like a black and white shadow. Here is a simple strategy that I saw on a Tom and Jerry cartoon. Put a trail of food to the crate, and when the puppy "takes the bait" and ends up inside the crate, shut the door. Make sure when you do this that the puppy doesn't have a utility belt with more stuff than Batman has in his belt. She had wire clippers in a holster on her shoulder, and before I knew it, she was running around again following me and back in my business. My second plan was to give her some money to go to a movie, and that did get me a few hours of peace. The important thing to remember in dealing with a puppy is not to give up. They are easy to fool. I once got 3 hours peace just by drawing a cave on the wall. Angel went inside it and played for hours. She told me she was having fun with the Roadrunner. They were watching the coyote get hurt. She had a lovely time.
I've got to get back to my nap.

Demon Flash Bandit (Advice Dog)

 
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