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Adventures of a lead dog

(Page 198 of 225: Viewing Diary Entry 1971 to 1980)  
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Garbage Theft

January 26th 2008 10:53 am
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I bet there are other dogs out there who are wondering why their garbage is stolen every week. I would think it was just me, but I've covered this topic with other dogs, and it seems to be a universal problem. I don't know why the humans let it happen. It is almost like they encourage the theft of their garbage. I've seen Jeff carry it down to the street, and that just makes it easier for the people to steal it. Every week, it is the same story----STOLEN GARBAGE. It really irks me that people think they can just drive by and take the best stuff in the house. I've seen my family throw away major treasures--used kleenexes, food wrappers, and left over food which is perfectly good. I know. Occasionally, I've rescued food that they just tossed in the trash. I would say maybe they are too stupid to know it might get stolen, but I'm sure they are aware of the possibility--even they aren't that stupid. The first time it happened, I was just a wee puppy, and I couldn't do anything about it. Then I got a little bigger, and I learned to used the phone. I called 911 to report that our garbage was being stolen. Those jerks told me not to call unless it was an emergency--I thought having your house robbed was considered an emergency so I had a few choice words for the idiot who answered the phone that day. They promised to send out police cars, but the police didn't stop the perpetrators. I don't think the police take this matter seriously enough. We need more dogs on the police force. If you called 911, and a dog answered, the garbage issue would get the attention it deserves. If you send out a police dog, that jerk stealing our garbage would be apprehended and possibly bitten in the process. Hey, it is fair--he was probably resisting arrest, and threatening the police dog. Anyway, when I become President, there will be dogs answering calls at 911 only we will have our own number--K911, and there will be dogs on every police force--and not just drug sniffing dogs. I'm talking about detectives and every type of police work. Last but certainly not least, I plan to make it a felony for someone to steal garbage. I am glad I had a chance to cover another serious Presidential issue.

Demon Flash Bandit (Victim of Garbage Theft)

 

Tribute to Cinnamon Toast Crunch Cereal

January 25th 2008 11:08 am
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This diary entry I have decided to write a tribute to Cinnamon Toast Crunch cereal. The cereal has little squares of delicious flavor. I found a box of it, and I've been carrying it around for the past 2 days. When I find food I enjoy, I carry it with me everywhere I go. Mommy made grilled chicken last night, and it was delicious. (No, they didn't grill outside, they used a George Foreman grill.) Angel and I both got our fill of chicken and then slept for hours because our tummys were full. Angel is particularly fond of grilled chicken. Mommy said she never thought she would have to stand in the kitchen and guard the grill. We were both hanging out in the kitchen and she was afraid we would pull the grill down on our noses. How does she know what we are thinking? It is unreal.

Life around here is still boring, but I'm still keeping my paws crossed that they won't do any home improvement projects. Angel and I were discussing that issue, and she doesn't see anything wrong with the house as it is. Humans waste so much of their valuable time worrying about silly stuff.

I hope everyone reading this has a nice weekend. For those who don't bother to read my diary entries, have a lousy weekend---only kidding. You wouldn't know to have a lousy weekend anyway because you aren't reading this. I think that is call a paradox, but I have no real idea. I just like to write big words so I'll seem like a super intelligent dog. It really impresses the girls.

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Who Loves Cereal)

 

Let Sleeping Dogs Nap

January 24th 2008 12:06 pm
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In reference to yesterday's entry, I called to check on Obedience Schools for dog toys, and the people who answered the phone acted like they had absolutely no idea what I was talking about. I would assume that I was wrong about dog toy obedience school until I realized that the toys probably were answering the phones. Of course, they wouldn't want me to bring in the toys to obedience school. It also occurred to me that they might just train the dogs to make the toys behave because it might be too time comsuning to bring in every toy separately. I think they are missing some major business because a lot of us dogs have a lot of toys which would be potential business for them. That would explain why there are so many dogs going because we obviously don't need to attend for our behaviour. I'm not sure which of my theories is correct, but I'll be investigating further. If it were the toys answering, they wouldn't want a dog to know they are answering the phones. Life is full of enigmas.

Living in this house is not the most exciting place for a dog to live. I think this family has taken boring to a whole new level. I had to listen to an entire conversation yesterday that involved re-decorating which was super boring. I have no idea why humans feel the constant need to fix things, change things and improve things. From what I see, things are great around here. If they put in new stuff, it is just going to cause Angel and me more work trying to ruin it, and get the house back to the homey place it is now. Why are humans constantly exerting themselves with trivial stuff that their dogs could care less about? I'm sure my naps will be interrupted because they will be making noise, and sometimes they might even have the nerve to tell me to move to another napping spot. I'm keeping my paws crossed that they will be too unmotivated to actually get anything done. I know my family. They aren't over-achievers and that is how I like it. A dog needs his naps. I think the humans would be a lot happier if they just napped a lot like us dogs. Dreamland is a whole lot better than the real world. When are humans going to learn that simple fact?

Speaking of naps.......

Demon Flash Bandit (Trying to Understand Humans)

 

Toy Obedience School

January 23rd 2008 7:22 am
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I have decided that Mommy has a point about Obedience School. My toys need to be enrolled. Sometimes I throw them in the air and they try to escape. What kind of ridiculous behavior is that? Yesterday, one landed between the foot board of the bed and the mattress. I had to dig that smart alec toy out of its hiding place, and give it a firm shaking. You'd think that would straighten out the toy's ridiculous behavior, but I tossed it, and this time it tried to hide behind the door. That is when I realized that these toys are too spoiled. Evidently, they think they can do whatever they want, and don't have to obey the dog. This horrible behavior has got to end so I plan to enroll them in Obedience School. I think it is common because a lot of dogs go to Obedience School so there must be a lot of toys that have to be taken in by their dogs. Owning toys is a big responsibility.

Mommy and Jeff went to a movie yesterday. Mommy saw 27 dresses. Why would you go to a movie about clothes? I'm worried that Mommy might be losing her sanity. She did say there was a dog in the movie so that was nice. Jeff went to see Atonement which was about a tone (I'm assuming a musical tone) which gets together with a ment (which I'm assuming is the mis-spelling of mint). Therefore, the movie was about a mint that could sing. It sounds like a silly movie to me, but Jeff will watch anything.

I've got to go and make some phone calls about Toy Obedience School.

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Who Knows How To Deal With Toys)

 

Howling Huskies Won't Be Touring

January 22nd 2008 1:14 pm
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Angel and I were planning a tour with our singing group, the Howling Huskies, but Mommy is ruining our plans. How are we supposed to become famous singing stars if we don't tour? I tried to explain this to Mommy and she came up with some silly garbage about groups touring when they have appearances set up. They don't just tour aimlessly around the country. Mommy doesn't seem to understand that we are so wonderful that getting show dates won't be any problem at all. We will be turning appearances down. Mommy can be stubborn so I guess the Howling Huskies won't be touring anytime soon. We we hoping to book a nice gig in Alaska so we could enjoy some of their lovely winter weather. Mommy says she wouldn't go to Alaska in the winter time. That really annoyed Angel and me. That would be the most delightful time to go there. As usual, humans are silly.

Jeff read my entry about dragons, and he said they have wings so they can fly anywhere they want so why would they be on a remote island? I told him that it could be their choice. Maybe they got mad at the humans for always trying to kill them. If they have wings, that wouldn't make them birds, would it? If they were giant birds and could breathe fire, that would melt snow, they would then be the most dangerous, evil birds in existence. Actually, I don't think they are birds and I"ve never heard of any of them melting snow, so I think they are okay. If any dragons are reading this entry, you are okay with Demon Flash Bandit. However, don't get any ideas about stealing my snow. Snow is MINE, ALL MINE.

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Who Loves Snow)

 

Howling Huskies Won't Be Touring

January 22nd 2008 1:14 pm
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Angel and I were planning a tour with our singing group, the Howling Huskies, but Mommy is ruining our plans. How are we supposed to become famous singing stars if we don't tour? I tried to explain this to Mommy and she came up with some silly garbage about groups touring when they have appearances set up. They don't just tour aimlessly around the country. Mommy doesn't seem to understand that we are so wonderful that getting show dates won't be any problem at all. We will be turning appearances down. Mommy can be stubborn so I guess the Howling Huskies won't be touring anytime soon. We we hoping to book a nice gig in Alaska so we could enjoy some of their lovely winter weather. Mommy says she wouldn't go to Alaska in the winter time. That really annoyed Angel and me. That would be the most delightful time to go there. As usual, humans are silly.

Jeff read my entry about dragons, and he said they have wings so they can fly anywhere they want so why would they be on a remote island? I told him that it could be their choice. Maybe they got mad at the humans for always trying to kill them. If they have wings, that wouldn't make them birds, would it? If they were giant birds and could breathe fire, that would melt snow, they would then be the most dangerous, evil birds in existence. Actually, I don't think they are birds and I"ve never heard of any of them melting snow, so I think they are okay. If any dragons are reading this entry, you are okay with Demon Flash Bandit. However, don't get any ideas about stealing my snow. Snow is MINE, ALL MINE.

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Who Loves Snow)

 

Good Versus Evil---and how it Affects Cats

January 21st 2008 10:58 am
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Was Mr. Bigglesworth evil or was he just the victim of circumstances? I have been pondering this because Mr. Bigglesworth happened to be Dr. Evil's pet (Austin Powers movies). Dr. Evil was obviously evil. Does that make his pet cat evil as well or was he just taken in by the wrong human? To be fair, the cat never seemed to hurt anyone so maybe poor Mr. Bigglesworth was just in the wrong place at the wrong time so he got adopted by a sociopath. Another important point, when Dr. Evil was cloned and had Mini-Me. Why didn't they clone a small copy of Mr. Bigglesworth so Mini-Me would have a mini Mr. Bigglesworth? Wouldn't a cat the size of a kitten be so cute?

I know I criticized George W.'s plan to thwart a recession, but I never expected the world leaders to take it so seriously. I was very upset that my entry has caused the world stock market to dip. Mommy said not to worry--they actually figured this one out on their own. I have my doubts that they are smart enough to do that, but maybe they had some genius helping them. Be sure to vote for me for President. I am far smarter than the one in the White House now. I'm also smarter than anyone who is running. To illustrate how stupid they are, they are "running" for President, and I don't see any of them running. How do they expect to win if they won't run? Humans are so silly.

Gotta Go........Until Tomorrow

 

The Milkbones Are MINE!!!!

January 20th 2008 11:56 am
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It's a bird, It's a plane, It's Angel Zoom Smokey flying through the air from the tail kicking I just gave her. Okay, it isn't true, but a dog can dream.....
Actually Angel and I have been getting along good, but there is one area of conflict. I say when Mommy buys a box of Milkbone, they are ALL for me and not meant to be shared. I carry the box around, and then Angel assumes that she can have some even after I have clearly told her they are MINE. Mommy always gives her some which annoys me, but I won't stop Mommy from getting some out of the box because she could quit buying them if I get too nasty. I am trying to think of a plan to keep them all to myself. Why is life always full of so many problems?

My question to ponder today is: do all dragons breathe fire or are there 2 distinct types? I can't seem to get an answer to this question. If they breathe fire, they could be dangerous to have around. However, if they don't breathe fire except maybe after eating spicy food, that problem could be solved by feeding them something cold like popsicles or ice cream. Why do you not see any dragons around today? Did the dragon slayers actually drive them into extinction or are they hanging around on some remote island like the dinosaurs in Jurassic Park? I was watching a documentary the other day, and it had a creature named Godzilla attacking a city. I don't think he is a dragon so what exactly is he? I would also like to know if King Kong is a very large ape or a very large man who happens to be very hairy.

I've got to get back to my naps. Any thoughts on these subjects would be appreciated.

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog With Problem--Angel Zoom Smokey)

 

Breaking News

January 19th 2008 11:04 am
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Demon Flash Bandit reporting the latest news live from Howell, MI. The breaking news at this time:

A bird that was too stupid to go south for the winter is begging me to kill it. I guess it isn't such a stupid bird after all.

There is still some lovely snow on the ground. The weather is delightfully cold.

Mommy went shopping last night and replenished my Milkbone supply.

I have been playing a delightful game of fetch with Mommy.

The computer is moving slower than a turtle so I won't bother with anymore ot the exciting news because it takes too long for it to type. I am about 4 sentences ahead now. Whoever said computers are fast wasn't using this computer. I'll write more tomorrow.

Demon Flash Bandit (Impatient Dog)

 

Breaking News

January 19th 2008 11:04 am
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Demon Flash Bandit reporting the latest news live from Howell, MI. The breaking news at this time:

A bird that was too stupid to go south for the winter is begging me to kill it. I guess it isn't such a stupid bird after all.

There is still some lovely snow on the ground. The weather is delightfully cold.

Mommy went shopping last night and replenished my Milkbone supply.

I have been playing a delightful game of fetch with Mommy.

The computer is moving slower than a turtle so I won't bother with anymore ot the exciting news because it takes too long for it to type. I am about 4 sentences ahead now. Whoever said computers are fast wasn't using this computer. I'll write more tomorrow.

Demon Flash Bandit (Impatient Dog)

 
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