Adventures of a lead dog

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The Milkbones Are MINE!!!!

January 20th 2008 11:56 am
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It's a bird, It's a plane, It's Angel Zoom Smokey flying through the air from the tail kicking I just gave her. Okay, it isn't true, but a dog can dream.....
Actually Angel and I have been getting along good, but there is one area of conflict. I say when Mommy buys a box of Milkbone, they are ALL for me and not meant to be shared. I carry the box around, and then Angel assumes that she can have some even after I have clearly told her they are MINE. Mommy always gives her some which annoys me, but I won't stop Mommy from getting some out of the box because she could quit buying them if I get too nasty. I am trying to think of a plan to keep them all to myself. Why is life always full of so many problems?

My question to ponder today is: do all dragons breathe fire or are there 2 distinct types? I can't seem to get an answer to this question. If they breathe fire, they could be dangerous to have around. However, if they don't breathe fire except maybe after eating spicy food, that problem could be solved by feeding them something cold like popsicles or ice cream. Why do you not see any dragons around today? Did the dragon slayers actually drive them into extinction or are they hanging around on some remote island like the dinosaurs in Jurassic Park? I was watching a documentary the other day, and it had a creature named Godzilla attacking a city. I don't think he is a dragon so what exactly is he? I would also like to know if King Kong is a very large ape or a very large man who happens to be very hairy.

I've got to get back to my naps. Any thoughts on these subjects would be appreciated.

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog With Problem--Angel Zoom Smokey)

 

Breaking News

January 19th 2008 11:04 am
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Demon Flash Bandit reporting the latest news live from Howell, MI. The breaking news at this time:

A bird that was too stupid to go south for the winter is begging me to kill it. I guess it isn't such a stupid bird after all.

There is still some lovely snow on the ground. The weather is delightfully cold.

Mommy went shopping last night and replenished my Milkbone supply.

I have been playing a delightful game of fetch with Mommy.

The computer is moving slower than a turtle so I won't bother with anymore ot the exciting news because it takes too long for it to type. I am about 4 sentences ahead now. Whoever said computers are fast wasn't using this computer. I'll write more tomorrow.

Demon Flash Bandit (Impatient Dog)

 

Breaking News

January 19th 2008 11:04 am
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Demon Flash Bandit reporting the latest news live from Howell, MI. The breaking news at this time:

A bird that was too stupid to go south for the winter is begging me to kill it. I guess it isn't such a stupid bird after all.

There is still some lovely snow on the ground. The weather is delightfully cold.

Mommy went shopping last night and replenished my Milkbone supply.

I have been playing a delightful game of fetch with Mommy.

The computer is moving slower than a turtle so I won't bother with anymore ot the exciting news because it takes too long for it to type. I am about 4 sentences ahead now. Whoever said computers are fast wasn't using this computer. I'll write more tomorrow.

Demon Flash Bandit (Impatient Dog)

 

Candy Should Not Be Alive

January 18th 2008 10:43 am
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Angel Zoom Smokey managed to get to the stuffed bear again yesterday, and this time she got the one eye that she left the day before. She said the family is safe now. With no eyes and no nose, the bear can't see or smell. The danger of bear attack is over. She hates that bear. She howls when she sees him. I still say I think she is taking Dwight on The Office a little to seriously. I don't think that stuffed bear was going to attack anyone, but when Angel gets an idea in her head, she can be very stubborn.

I was watching a tv commercial the other day which really upset me. The M@Ms were talking and walking around. In fact, Mommy has some M@M's that have legs and look like M@M people. This is very upsetting because M@Ms are candy. I love candy. Am I supposed to feel guilty for eating them because I am eating "live" candy? I think the people that make them should think a little more about these commericials. Isn't it enough that a lot of people feel guilty that they are eating candy which isn't good for them, and has calories, do they really want to add the guilt of killing the candy to the list? Don't get me wrong. I don't mind killing a bird or a bug, but I really don't want to feel like I'm killing the candy I eat. I don't like birds and bugs, but I like candy. Why would I want to kill it?

As a Presidential candidate, I would like to make my comment on the new Bush plan to reduce taxes to stimulate the economy. I think tax cuts are wonderful, but since the federal govt. debt is so high, how is it going to help? Wouldn't it be better to cut taxes by spending less? It looks like the Deemster is going to be busy fixing stuff when I get into the White House. How am I supposed to get my naps when I have so much to fix. This is a warning to you ididots in office---get it fixed before I am elected because I don't like my naps messed with.

Angel Zoom Smokey is constantly rattling on about her Valentine boyfriend, Samoa SunnyBear Bell. According to my friend and his older sibling, Savvy, he is a pain in the tail. I suppose that makes them a great pair because Angel is often a pain in my tail too. Anyway, if she gushes on much more about their love, I'm going to lose my Milkbone. My pal, Rebel told me that there is a new fur ball at his place too. Have the humans went puppy crazy or somthing. I already told Rebel to get a photo and put the puppy on E-Bay. For all of you dogs going through a similar situation, I have 2 other pieces of advice: start the auction cheap (a penny is a good start), and let it have no reserve. Do this fast before the humans get too attached. Even I like Angel Zoom Smokey. I did try with her, but she was too smart to let me take photos.

Demon Flash Bandit (Eating M@Ms should be fun)

 

Mommy Knows Nothing About Bear Attacks

January 17th 2008 12:09 pm
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Once again, Jeff did his stand-up comdy in Royal Oak, MI. We had to baby-sit William, but we hadn't seen him in about a week so it was fun knocking him down. How else would he know we were glad to see him? Jeff and Mommy got back kind of late, but Mommy let us watch "The Office" so we were happy. We were both running through the house being dogs so Mommy put on the dvd, and we both settled down to watch our favorite show. I think Angel might be taking it a bit too seriously because she got one of Mommy's stuffed bears that she got in Pigeon Forge, TN that looks like a real bear, and Angel pulled off an eye and a nose yesterday while Mommy was on the computer. Angel is quite a jumper so if she wants something she often manages to get to it. Anyway, I think it is because she is taking Dwight's talk about bear attacks too seriously. I think she was trying to protect the family from being attacked by that awful bear who Mommy (unknowing the danger) allowed to live in our house. Mommy knows very little about bear attacks. If she watched The Office as much as we do, she would be more informed about such things.

Angel had a suggestion for Jeff. Have you heard the expression that someone killed when they were entertaining? Angel told him to take a gun and start shooting, but Jeff didn't heed her wise advice. No wonder the humans aren't as successful as us dogs. Mommy said he did very well. Angel said he is the best doggie commediene around. She should know. She spends a lot of her time helping him with his act.

I've been wondering how Atlas who is supposed to be holding the world in his arms managed to be able to publish a book of maps. Also, why don't any of the photos from space show him? I was wondering about this, and I came to the conclusion the Atlas publishes stuff on his days off. I'm not sure who covers for him. Maybe someone strong like Hercules covers his shifts. Anyway, I decided they must have photo-shopped him out of the space photos. I suppose the astronauts aren't allowed to talk about him because modern people don't want to think that Atlas if holding up the world. If I were him, I'd be very annoyed that I was doing all that work and not getting any credit for it. Some people don't think we ever made it into space. I say if there is no snow in space, why bother going there? Of course, that is a husky's opinion.

I'll be back tomorrow with more insights into world events and dingo bones.

Demon Flash Bandit (Expert on Bear Attacks)

 

I Want to Be in Coke's Snow Commercials

January 16th 2008 11:07 am
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The news media has not announced my winning of the Michigan Presidential Primary, I want to let you know that I am demanding a re-count. There is no way all those human "losers" could win over a cute dog like me. I am still running even if I'm an independent. I just wanted to let you dogs know that there is a vast conspiracy against us dogs getting in power. Angel had an idea. She said if all the dogs will go poop at the entrance to the polls on election day, the humans will be disgusted and they will leave without voting. I've got to admit, Angel Zoom Smokey is an "idea dog" even if some of her ideas are a bit repulsive to humans. They work good for dogs. Humans get repulsed at the least little things (remember how I said they won't let me eat bug guts?).

Coca Cola, which happens to be Mommy's favorite beverage although she has moved onto the diet one, uses polar bears and penquins in their ads. I think a husky like me would fit great into their advertising arena. I know I've already volunteered to do dingo bone commercials, but a dog can't just sit still and only advertise one product. Mommy's bunny, Flash, used to love coke. He would beg for it, and Mommy would put a little in his bowl as a treat. One time she put Pepsi in his bowl (she bought it for visitors), and he wouldn't touch it. Mommy said he was one smart rabbit. I'll admit, the main reason their advertising has made me want to take part: polar bears and penquins live in the snow. I want to do their commercials so I can have fun in the snow. I have mentioned in past entries how much I love snow. What could be a better product than one that lets me play in the snow with my friends the penquins. The polar bears look cute, but I'm not so sure they are harmless. My brother, William, when he was 2 was taken to the Detroit Zoo. The polar bear and her baby were playing the the little pool there, and the big bear pooped in the water. When friends asked William how he liked the zoo, that was the thing he told them about. An entire day at the zoo, and the highlight for him was a bear pooping in water. Humans start out with such potential, and then they lose it as they grow up. It is so sad.

Jeff needs to get on the computer so I'm signing off. If all you dogs out there will inundate the coke company with demands that I be added to their commercials, I would appreciate it because I seldom get to go out and play in the snow. Mommy hates it too much. Beng in a commercial would solve that problem because it would be my "job". When you want something, make sure it becomes a career choice. That is all the silly humans understand.

Demon Flash Bandit (Potential Coca Cola Dog)

 

Why Would Anyone Live in a Sewer?

January 15th 2008 11:03 am
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Jeff went out with his friend yesterday without the dogs' permission AGAIN. He thinks just because he is 22, he can do whatever he pleases without checking with the dogs. We are supposed to go with him everywhere he goes. Mommy says he used to watch a tv program called Ninja Turtles and I think programs like that affected his reasoning ability. The Ninja Turtles are mutant turtles who are taught to be ninjas by a rat named Splinter. They are named after famous artists, Michaelangelo, Raphael, Donatello, and Leonardo. Why are they named after artists--do they draw or paint the villians to death? They should be named names like Joe Friday, Elliott Ness, Luke Skywalker, and Sgt. Preston. Those are people who went after bad guys, and always caught them. They live in a sewer. How believable is that? Wouldn't the bad guys smell them coming from a mile away. I can hear the dialog, What is that putrid smell. (Second villian)--It must be those mutant turtles. Let's get out of here. I would also like to know how mutant turtles can walk around a city unnoticed. They are human size turtles walking around on legs with a shell on their back. Wouldn't they kind of stand out in a crowd? I think I would notice them. I have to add that they would be very stinky mutant turtles. Anyway, Jeff actually dressed as a Ninja turtle for Halloween when he was 5. I think his experiences watching wierd tv like this have made him think he doesn't have to answer to us dogs for his taking off with his friends. If you are thinking that you see no correlation between the two, I can only say that they are related. I have no idea how or why, and I don't have to defend my stance on this issue. Studies have shown that tv and video games cause every problem known to mankind. There were no problems before these items were invented. This is why I don't play video games--also because my paws won't work the controls. Has anyone invented a paw friendly controller because they look like fun, and I'm not weak minded like humans?
I've got to go watch tv.

Demon Flash Bandit (Solver of Human Problems)

 

Bug Gut Recipes-Never Mind, Just Eat Them Raw

January 14th 2008 10:29 am
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Just what makes that little old ant think he can move a rubber tree plant.
Everyone know an ant will get smashed by Demon Flash Bandit's paw.
The ant has high hopes. High hopes. Hopes he won't be turned into ant guts
So if you're feeling blue, just remember that ant.
Whoops, there goes another ant. Whoops there goes another ant.
NEVER MESS WITH THE DOG.

That inspirational song came to me this morning. You know how sometimes songs just pop into your head. It made me think of the times I've enjoyed turning annoying little bugs into bug guts. I would like to eat them but humans frown on the eating of bugs so I am usually pulled away before I can even taste the delicious looking bug guts. I think the real solution on those sci fi movies where giant bugs invade from outer space is to call in the dogs. We know how to deal with pests. What do the humans do? They bring in the army with guns. Wouldn't it be more logical to have the humans waiting with big cans of raid. Yes, we killed the roach from outer space with our cans of Raid. Raid--it hunts bugs down like radar and kills them dead. I don't know how you can kill something without making it dead, but I guess the Raid people want you to know that the bugs are dead after using their product. Shouldn't Raid make some Sci-fi movies so they could sell more of their products? Those people at Raid aren't marketing geniuses, are they?

I was watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon, and I noticed that the cat (I think he is the Tom part of the duo) is constantly out-smarted by the rat (Jerry). I could have the names mixed up because I was paying far more attention to the activites they were involved in, and a dog doesn't always have time to get the names. Anyway, if I were a cat, I would be very annoyed at this cartoon. I know cats aren't as smart as dogs, but to be out-smarted by a rat is just wrong. Cats you have my sympathy. The media is depicting you in such a bad light. Poor Sylvester never gets the bird no matter how hard he tries. I know Tweety looks sweet, but he is a bird, and to those of you who read my entries, you know how evil birds are and how much I hate them. Tweety is probably stealing my snow right now, and that is why January has been warmer the usual. Sylvester, catch that lousy little bird and eat him. Anyway, I think you cats need to hire a better agent. If I had an agent who got me parts like that, I would turn him into smashed agent guts (remember the song about the ant).

Since I live in Michigan, I have been preparing for the primary here. I plan to beat all the candidates because we all know that the best men for the job is a dog. If you live in Michigan, vote Demon Flash Bandit for president.

Demon Flash Bandit (Bugs had better run)

 

Football is Not Shaped Like a Foot!!!!

January 13th 2008 10:53 am
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I've noticed that January would be a bleak month if it weren't for the lovely winter weather. October has Halloween, a time when a resourceful dog can get some candy. Thanksgiving is in November when you get to kill turkeys plus I have my birthday in November so I get toys and treats. December is the ultimate in gifts and candy, Christmas. Then you have January. There is no major gift giving or treat eating occasion in January. As I previously stated, if it wasn't for having wonderful weather, it would be one of the worst months in the year. This year it actually got warm here last week so now I can't even trust Jan. to have wonderful weather. My solution to this is that I told Mommy Jan. now has a special gift and treat giving day. I am calling it Dog Day, and all the humans have to give us stuff. I think it should be declared a National Holiday. For any cats who happen to reading it, get over yourselves. We don't want a Cat Day. You cats are already snobby enough. When your humans come home after a hard day, you won't see a cat knocking them down to kiss them, and humans love it when you jump on them and knock them down.

I don't normally mention sports because the only sports worth bothering with are fetch, jumping on furniture and playing tug of war. Humans get a ball and act stupid with it. I think it is now football season. It has a stupid name because the ball is not shaped like a foot. It isn't even shaped like a paw. It involves 2 teams who fight over the ball. None of them even bother to put it in their mouths which all us dogs know is the proper way to carry a ball. The goal is to put the ball between the proper goal post--and if you carry it to the wrong post, the crowd boo you and call you and idiot (like all of them aren't idiots for playing it in the first place). Then Half-Way through the game, all the players leave the field. Then the only good part of the game is on--something called half-time where marching bands come on the field and play music and usually do some interesting drills. I think the bands are the highlight of the game, and the football players are just there so the bands won't have to tire themselves out too much. Anyway, then the players come back and bore the crowd even more. When the game is over (which seems to take forever), the score shows whichever one won. Considering that the players tend to get injuries, I think the winners should be the team with the least injuries, but they don't even count them. The sad thing is that this game is very popular which shows how stupid the humans can be. They have special games like the Cotton Bowl and the Rose Bowl, and the ultimate in Bowls, the Super Bowl. The names are mis-leading because no one bowls (an entirely different game)--they still play football. I think they call them bowls because they are played in giant bowls. The Super Bowl is the Big Game for a lot of people. It is a little more interesting because only people from Krypton are allowed to play in it, and therefore, it is called Super Bowl in honor of their Super powers. It would be more interesting to watch if the players were allowed to fly, but flying is against the rules and will get the team dis-qualified. I do have a point to this rambling. The humans do not know how to have a good time. They can't even enjoy a game and have fun--they have to have rules and regulations, and someone has to win. Why can't they just play to have a good time? Isn't wrestling around in the mud more fun than most humans will ever have? I hope someday the humans learn to live more fun lives--like us dogs.

I do hope that everyone is enjoying a nice weekend. This is Demon Flash Bandit, signing out.

Demon Flash Bandit (Football is Boring)

 

Life is Boring--I Need a Limo

January 12th 2008 10:35 am
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LIVE FROM THE COMPUTER: It's Saturday with Demon Flash Bandit. Somehow I thought that would sound a bit more interesting than it did. It works great for Saturday Night Live. Of course, they often have some celebrity saying it for them. Okay, I've thought about it for a couple of minutes, and I'm not going to bother to hire a celebrity to announce my diary entry. I guess it is just going to have to open the way I've opened it. I hate re-writing stuff anyway. My time is very valuable. I could be taking a nap.

I think Mommy plans to stay home today. I guess her life can't get much more boring than it already is. Last night she took William to the store. He had some emergency software to buy. No, it wasn't really an emergency, but to hear that computer geek describe it, you'd think it was a matter of life and death. Now he can edit movies or photos with some silly adobe stuff. Mommy really doesn't know what he is talking about half the time, so she just tells him it is nice, and lets him drone on about what it will do. You'd think he would realize that Mommy only has necessary software on the computer. She says it is complicated enough with what the company puts on there. She isn't planning to make it any more complicated. Jeff listens to cds while he is on the computer. Mommy hasn't mastered the art of listening to a cd while surfing the net. Does that kid really think Mommy will be able to do anything with software? He has far too much faith in Mommy's intelligence. I'm a dog, and I know Mommy is not a computer genius. I don't even think she really cares about it that much because I think she might actually be capable of learning, but she has to think it is worth the trouble.

Mommy drives me around in a mini-van, and I was having a discussion about it with Angel Zoom Smokey. On this one issue, we are in complete aggreement. Although we have nothing against the mini-van, we have decided that we want Mommy to buy a Lincoln limosine because we saw a limo, and it looked like fun to ride in plus we heard that they have food and stuff in the back. We could ride around and watch The Office, and have dog biscuits, and Mommy could drive it through Burger King to order my burgers. Angel and I decided that we deserve a limo. We shouldn't have to ride around in an ordinary mini-van when we would be so much happier munching milkbone in the back of a limo. Mommy said we can watch the Office and eat Milkbones in the van, but it just isn't the same. Angel and I want to ride around in style. I also happen to know that before Mommy got the mini-van, she was driving a Lincoln Continental. Flash, the bunny, and even the guinea pig got to ride in the Lincoln so Angel and I feel we are being cheated. Thus, we need a limo instead of an ordinary Lincoln. We feel it is appropriate since Daddy worked at the plant that made the Lincolns. We are quite sure he would want us to have a limo. We told Mommy all this, and you wouldn't believe her reaction. She said it was a great idea, and whenever Angel and I want to cough up the money for a limo, she will be at the dealership ordering one. We were both appalled at this reaction. Why should be have to pay for our car? Because we are resourceful dogs, Angel who recently learned about money said she is going to keep a watch at the toilet and try to get some brown cash before it is direct deposited at the bank. I am taking Mommy literally and I'm planning to cough up some cash. I wonder how long it will take us to get a limo. I'm thinking a month or so. I'll keep you posted.

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Who Needs a Limo)

 
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