Adventures of a lead dog

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Golf Was Invented by CaveMen

February 16th 2008 10:41 am
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I was channel surfing the tv the other day seeing if there was anything worth watching. I want to add a salute to cable tv--50 channels of nothing worth watching. Anyhoo, I happened to stop on a sporting event called golf. At first I was upset because I thought the tv had gone haywire since nothing seemed to be happening. Of course, I left it on that channel so I could check on the tv. It turns out the tv was fine, but golf is boring. I will describe it to you so when you dogs go channel surfing, you won't be worried about your tv the way I was. It is played by people wearing very silly looking clothes. As my faithful entry readers are already aware, all human clotes are silly looking, but these are even sillier than usual--with the possible exception of the polyester leisure suit. Wait a minute, I think the sumo outfits in one of the last episodes of The Office (3rd season) were funnier. Once you get past the outfits, there is the game itself. There is a huge area (which the smart golfers use carts to traverse) with a total of 18 holes. There is a special ball called a golf ball (imaginative isn't it?) that is supposed to be put into each of the 18 holes by hitting it with a club which is carried in a bag filled with clubs because just one club isn't enough. I think that idea was invented by the people who manufacture golf clubs. I can hear them in their corporate office now. How are we going to sell enough clubs to make money? They only need one. I know......we'll say they need a whole bunch of them. The true genius of that is that anyone dumb enough to spend their day and large amounts of money to play would be dumb enough to think they need more than one if the golf "experts" tell them they do. After spending a lot of time in the sun, their brains get kind of fried anyway. Back to the game. The player hits the ball with the club, and once all the holes have been played, the game is over. I will say that it is nice that they worry so much about the less fortunate because they are always talking about handicaps, and I think it is nice that they remember those who have handicaps. Most sports don't seem to care so much about the people who have physical limitations. Another complaint: when they are hitting the ball, everyone in the crowd has to be extremely quiet which seems silly to me since noise should be part of the equation. I think the golfers are a bit spoiled.
I thought of a few suggestions for making the game more interesting, and even worth watching. They should forget the balls, and each golfer could take a club, and see how long it takes for him to club the other players in the head. Sure, it might be a bit more violent, but don't people watch sports to see action? Having a brain sailing through the air would definitely be more exciting than watching a ball sail through the air. Besides, if they are playing golf, my guess is that their brains aren't functioning well anyway. I think that is how the game originated. It probably started with cavemen who already had a wooden club they were carrying around, and one day Org decided to club Ugh in the head, and before you know it, golf had been discovered. Down through the ages, the game evolved into a sad image of its caveman glory. Angel just found a new box of dog biscuits. I have to go and persuade her to share. Next time I'm channel surfing, I'll skip the golf events unless they are playing caveman style.

Demon Flash Bandit (Golf Critic)

 

Jeff's Upset Over Delay in Star Trek Movie Release

February 14th 2008 11:49 am
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I have previously mentioned in other entries that Jeff is a big Star Trek fan. I had to spend almost a week in jail last August while he and Mommy went to a Star Trek Convention in Las Vegas. I don't think I have mentioned how it seems to be worsening. Jeff has a cell phone that shuts like a communicator. It is so sad when I see him shutting it dramatically like Capt Kirk would shut it on Star Trek. He is finished yacking with his friends, and he shuts it like he has just rescued the universe from an attack by the Borgs (I'm the one who rescued the universe which I will cover in a future entry). Anyway, I have watched him, and I think he really needs to get a life. In fact, I have heard him do imitations of Capt Kirk, and I really don't think anyone needs to copy his speech pattern and mannerisms. If that isn't enough, I have heard him listening to a cd done by William Shatner. Unless you have heard William Shatner doing "Tambourine Man", you would not understand how sad it is that Jeff wastes his time listening to it. Hey.......MR........TAM....BOUR....INE..
MAN.....the really sad thing is that Daddy bought this cd too. Who would think that anyone would buy it. It isn't like it is the Howling Huskies or something people would WANT to listen to. If all that isn't bad enough, Jeff spends much of MY valuable computer time checking for all the minute details of the new Star Trek movie which from his announcement last night, has been delayed from its release at Christmas 2008 to summer 2009. Jeff was very upset with Paramount, and said it was run by idiots (I wonder if it is the same group of idiots running the country). From that remark, I know it is being run by humans because dogs are much smarter. I think Paramount should re-consider this release date because if they don't, I'll have to hear Jeff complaining about it for almost a full year. When that happens, I might have to go to CA, and have a personal husky to idiot talk with the person in charge. I won't bite him. I'll just point out that I have "GATOR" teeth. If that isn't enough, I'll have Angel Zoom Smokey with me to give him puppy slaps of justice. I like Star Trek myself, but I"m not going to tell that to the Fster. I like to tease him about it so if any of you dogs reading this run into Jeff, don't tell him that I like it too.

Demon Flash Bandit (Star Trek Fan)

 

It Is Easy to Win a Sword Fight With a Bird

February 13th 2008 8:22 am
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I am just back from rescuing a fair damsel in distress--yes, she was this black dress. That yellow dress made he look fat. No, the damsel in distress was not Angel Zoom Smokey. Angel can take care of herself. I'd hate to see someone try to mess with her and feel her puppy slaps of justice. She is quite the little fighter. Anyway, I was riding a snowmobile past a castle (you don't expect me to walk, do you?), and I happened to run across a damsel in distress (this black dress-we covered that part already), and she was being held by the evil Baron Bird. As you might expect, Baron Bird was evil. Some might argue that it is because he is a bird and it isn't his fault because all birds are evil....BLAH BLAH BLAH........which is exactly my point. He has to die because he is a bird. I got out my sword and I got into a sword fight with Baron Bird. It wasn't that hard to beat him. It is very difficult for a bird to hold a sword in its claw. I killed Baron Bird and freed the Damsel in Dis Dress. Now she has opened her own chain of clothing stores called Damsel Dresses. She stays very busy selling her own designer dresses, and she even has some outlet stores open, but I wouldn't recommend buying there because I don't care how novel the idea was, a dress with 3 sleeves just isn't going to be a hit. I told her to make one with 8 sleeves so she could monopolize the dress sales to insects, but she didn't listen. She had to go with 3. I never said she was an intelligent damsel in dis dress. Anyway, I once again was the hero of the story. She gave me lots of damsel kisses, and I had the day's most important query, "Where is the nearest Burger King?" Killing Baron Bird had made me very hungry. Imagine my desperation when she said Burger King hadn't been invented yet. There was a Baron King, but that served bird burgers. I don't know about you, but I have no desire to eat a bird burger. Is it made out of birdseed? Maybe it is one of those suet cake burgers. I asked her is she had any milkbone, and she gave me a glass of milk with a bone in it. It turns out that I was in an era when milkbone and Burger King hadn't been invented yet. As you can guess, I jumped on the snowmobile and stepped on the gas. The engine revved, and I went so fast, I was back in my own time. I headed to Burger King with a feeling of great satisfaction. It takes going back in time to appreciate the things you have today. Yesterday I covered the man who invented the light bulb, but today I have to give a Demon Flash Bandit salute to the person who invented Burger King. Thank you Mr. Burger King Inventer. You are my hero.

Demon Flash Bandit (Sword Fighter)

 

Thank you Thomas Edison

February 12th 2008 11:00 am
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I was browsing a history book yesterday, and I discovered that humans didn't always have electricity in their homes. Our doggie ancestors couldn't watch tv, or enjoy ice from the freezer. They also didn't have light at night except for candles and kerosene lamps (which were probably a marvelous invention in their day). Anyway, I found out that a man named Thomas Alva Edison invented the light bulb along with a lot of other things. He had a place where he did his work, and it is in a place called Greenfield Village in Dearborn, MI. Edison's whole Menlo Park Compound is there. They actually moved it from New Jersey. I asked Mommy if she would take me there to see it, but she said she doesn't think they allow dogs (unless it is a service dog). They allow children. That makes no sense to me. I like children, but they are usually a bigger pain than us dogs--yet they aren't banned from places. Anyway, Mommy has been there many times, and she said it is very interesting. My brother, William, actually went to school there one day at the one-room schoolhouse. She said it also has Henry Ford's home, and the garage where he made his first car. He had to make the door larger because he got so busy building the car that he didn't think about getting it out until after it was built. That sounds like the kind of silly thing Mommy would do. I would suggest Mommy dress me in clothes so I can sneak in as a human. However, as I've previously mentioned, I really hate clothes so I'm not going to lower myself to that point just to go there. When I am president, we dogs will be able to go to wonderful places like that, and we won't have to pretend to be humans. We can walk in proudly--as dogs. Remember to vote for me.

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Who Appreciates Electricity)

 

Humans Are so Stupid

February 11th 2008 12:29 pm
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Humans live in various types of dwellings. I happen to live in a house. The reason I am bringing this up is that I've been studying various types of dwellings to make sure that my standard of living is what it should be. I think my lifestyle should be lavish--I'm not saying I expect the be on that program, Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous because I prefer my anonymity: but I should be living that lifestyle. During my research, I discovered a house that is called a mansion. Distinquishing between a house and a mansion is not difficult. The mansion is larger, has a lot more amenities, and is a lot nicer than a regular house. That is when I realized that I am not living in a mansion--I am merely living in a house. I was quite upset about this, and I decided to have a long talk with Mommy about the situation. Mommy told me that she isn't rich, and only rich people can afford mansions. This sounds like the same kind of lame excuse she came up with when I asked for a limo instead of a car. I don't know why the humans are so stupid. I told her all she has to do is become rich. She didn't seem to think it was so easy---no wonder so many humans aren't rich. I told her to go to the bank and tell them she wants more money. I've been to the bank with her, and they are nice people. They give Angel and me milkbone, and they give Mommy money. All she has to do is put a larger amount of money on the withdrawal slip. I wonder how humans can survive without us dogs. Despite my brilliant help, she still hasn't gone to the bank and used my advice. I guess I'm going to have to do it myself. I wonder how many millions a handsome dog like me can take out at one time. I'm guessing they probably have a limit of a million or two at the drive-thru, and I don't want to have to go in. Walking in would be too much trouble. I'll let you dogs know how it goes. It might take a couple of weeks to get enough money to buy that mansion. I wonder----would an island be too much trouble to get to and from?,,,,,,,

Mommy went shopping last night and brought home dingo bones. When I buy my mansion, I think I'll have a dingo bone room. I think a room filled with dingo bones would be cool to have.

Demon Flash Bandit (Leaving for the Bank)

 

I Hate Birds---REAL OR FAKE

February 10th 2008 11:13 am
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Have you ever had one of those moments when you thought your world would collapse? I, Demon Flash Bandit had one yesterday. Mommy likes to "design" silk flower arrangements which I'm okay with. It isn't that I really care that much about flowers, I'd rather see them covered with lovely white snow. Anyway, I might prefer snow, but I have no grudge against the flowers. However, can you imagine my shock when Mommy added a bird to an arrangement. Yes a BIRD. I couldn't believe my own Mommy would buy a bird to put with the flowers. I must admit the only good thing was that it was a fake bird, but still anyone who reads my entries knows how much I hate those little evil snow stealing varmints flying around leaving their little "bundles' on everything under them. I know they think the humans will consider it an accident, but they plan their "bombings". They have little maps and schedules in their nests so they will know when and where to drop their little packages. I know there are people out there who will back me up who have had the package dropped on them. Anyway, let's just say someone in the house "accidentally" destroyed the bird. Mommy asked me about it, and I told her that the birds were selling drugged bird seed, and some tough looking birds came in and killed them. Mommy believed me because she has watched enough tv to know that some of the people who deal in drugs get killed by other dealers. Anyway, I hope in the future that she doesn't bother to get anymore fake birds. I know some of you might be thinking, if they are fake, why are you so concerned about them? The reason is because the humans already think birds are cute and they don't want them to die. If there are a bunch of flowers out there surrounded by fake birds, people won't be aware of the dangers the real birds pose. I know the fake birds are made by the real birds for tha purpose. Those birds will stop at nothing to take all the dog's snow, and have the planet die due to global warming. Then they will just fly to another planet where they will annoy the aliens. Remember, if you run across any "fake" birds in your house, they are selling drugged birdseed. That is your excuse for destroying them.

I've got to take a nap now. I'll dream about a birdless world.

Demon Flash Bandit (Fake Bird Hater)

 

Silly Doggie Outfits

February 9th 2008 12:32 pm
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As I was enjoying a leisurely walk through town--okay, as I was dragging the Fster along behind me because he has no idea where we should walk, I saw a small dog--one of those Mexican type dogs- who was wearing clothes. I was apalled at the nerve of his humans, and I thought about calling the police to have his humans arrested. Why would a human put a dog through such indignity? To be fair, I didn't think of calling the police until I was through laughing which took about 5 minutes. Let's face it, dogs wearing clothes are hilarious. I know I may not speak for all dogs, but if one of my humans decides to dress me, they had better realize that I may be wearing the clothes, but they just might be sporting less fingers. I don't take kindly to looking silly. Anyway, I guess little dogs are afraid to do anything because they are always in danger of being stepped on. If they don't do what the humans tell them to do, they could end up as flat as pancakes, and all the human has to do is say that they didn't mean to "step" on the little bundle of fur. Angel has her own method for avoiding the humans and their "costume" ideas. Let's just say that when Jeff gave her the middle name of Zoom, he didn't realize how much that name would describe her. If anyone approaches her with anthing that even looks remotely like clothing, she ZOOMS out of the room. Angel understands the importance of not looking silly. For all you little dogs out there, you have Demon Flash Bandit's sympathy. However, don't expect me not to laugh--you are just too funny in your little outfits.

Demon Flash Bandit (Fashion Critic)

 

My View of British Royalty

February 8th 2008 10:22 am
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I haven't done any historical entries lately so it is about time I wrote another one. Actually, since I'm running for President, I thought it might be nice to write about royalty since our country (the United States) was smart enough not to have a royal family. I think this was because by the time the American colonies decided to "go their own way", King George III of Britain was not only stupid, but also insane. Let me examine this further. European royalty had blue blood which is kind of odd since most humans have red blood. I think theirs must have been anti-freeze or maybe that blue gatorade they sell in stores. Anyway, they were supposed to marry other royals because they couldn't marry people with red blood because red blooded people were "peasants" which isn't to be confused with pheasants which are birds, and you know how much I hate birds. Anyway, because there were only a few royals with blue blood and they had to marry blue bloods, it wasn't long before their family trees had no branches. In fact, their family tree branched less than the average red neck family from places like the area where they filmed the delightful movie, Deliverence. I hate to risk the red neck vote, but I mean no disrespect. I just don't think it is a wise move to marry a cousin which is exactly what the royal family kept doing. Is it any wonder that after enough generations, you have a group of idiots who tend to be insane? I'm just wondering what George W.'s excuse is. Was he dropped on his head or was it all the drinking and drugs? Oh sorry, he isn't running in the next election, is he? I guess I don't need to bash him. I hate to be harsh on the other candidates, but I've watched enough on tv to know that I'm supposed to insult the other people running. By the way, W., when the creditors are calling me in the White House, I'm giving them your home number and your cell phone number. Don't expect the Deemster to clean up your messes. I dont clean up my own messes. I have 2 helpful words for you: PUPPY PADS.

Back to the subject: I will examine the royal family of Great Britain today. They are nice to their dogs which is a point in their favor, but they have no huskies. We could have lots of fun running through the castle so they should consider getting a husky or two. They have a bunch of castles because they can't make up their mind where they want to live. They get paid lots of milkbone because they are the royal family yet Parliament runs things. I don't know how well they run things because there are no huskies in Parliament either-and we are the experts on running. Anyway, it seems the reason the royal family get paid so much is because they are the royal family. They don't seem to do much except the younger people seem to be great at embarrassing their elders. As I said earlier, they like their dogs, so they aren't all bad, but they probably could take a large pay cut judging from the work they do. Why is it that the people who work the hardest tend to make the least money? With that in mind, why do schools teach children to grow up and work hard so they can do well in life when it would be more accurate to teach them that the lazy people usually end up making the money? Would it have been better for me if I hadn't been born a working breed? I think it might be different for us dogs because we are a lot smarter than humans.

There is one particularly interesting king from the past which I should mention. His name was Henry VIII. He had 6 wives. If he got tired of one of them, he could just have her be-headed. This type of behavior was very annoying to his wives. Of course, it was hard to argue with him when you are missing your head so he didn't get a lot of back talk from them. I don't know why he didn't just divorce them because he divorced his first wife (Catherine of Aragon), and the Pope didn't approve so he started his own church. After that, it seems that divorce would be quite easy. My guess is that he liked the fact that he didn't get the "back talk" as I mentioned earlier. He also didn't have to worry about wasting his money supporting them. People without heads don't tend to spend much money. Anyway, he was basically a cool guy as long as you weren't married to him. It was a long time ago so if you take a trip to England, you won't run into him.

I'm sure Henry VIII had a very enjoyable life, and I will end with a quote from the movie, History of the World. Thank you, Mel Brooks for this memorable quote, "It's good to be the king." I hope all you dogs have a nice weekend, and here is a quote from Demon Flash Bandit, "Its good to be the dog".

Demon Flash Bandit (President--not King)

 

Fun at the Mardi Gras

February 7th 2008 12:01 pm
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I've come to the conclusion that the reason I haven't gotten any concession calls from the other presidential candidates is because I'm at the Mardi Gras with Savvy, and they don't know where I am. I have to check the Voice Mail when I get home. They probably conceded, and left it on the Voice Mail. I'm not going to check it remotely because I'm having a good time here. Even with having to go and bail out Angel and Samoa, it has been fun. Those two are always getting into trouble. They were taking down my campaign posters, and putting up Angel's posters. They also had Wanted posters which Savvy ad I did not find amusing. I guess that puppy Samoa now knows he has no jurisdiction in New Orleans. Just because he made himself sheriff of Dog Town, he seems to think he has authority everywhere. I bet Angel was encouraging him.

Savvy suggested we send those 2 mongrels to Australia since it was a penal colony. She says the whole continent is a jail so we could get rid of them, and have them in jail all at the same time. Savvy was reading an encyclopedia, and evidently, it has lots of useful information like that. Savvy's must be more up to date than mine. According to Mommy's set, the last great war that was fought involved a "Trojan horse", and it must have happened at the Greek restaurant Mommy goes to because the Greeks won because of the horse, and I asked Mommy if it was some kind of price war. I also wanted to know since a horse was involved, are dogs allowed in the restaurant now? Her set doesn't even mention Australia!!!!!

I"ve got to get off the computer, and check with my campaign staff about the election. I hope all you dogs remember to vote for me.

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Who Reads Encyclopedias)

 

Must See Movie--SNOW BUDDIES on dvd

February 6th 2008 10:27 am
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Last night Mommy went out and to see the movie, Strange Wilderness which, quite frankly sounds like a strange movie to me. I am so clever, I amuse even myself. Anyway, Mommy also bought a copy of SNOW BUDDIES which we watched last night. This movie definitely wins my movie of the year vote. The puppy sled dogs led by a handsome blue eyed pup named Shasta become sled dogs. I won't go into any details about the movie or ruin the ending for you, but all the puppies were so cute that Mommy was oohing and aahing through the whole movie. I highly recommend it to all you dogs and humans who are on dogster since there seems to be a great love of dogs and puppies on this site. By the way, if purchased at Best Buy, they have a sticker on the front where you can get a free stuffed husky. I think Mommy paid $3.95 for shipping and handling, but she was all excited about getting a stuffed husky. She even brought us toys last night. I got a squeaky hat, and Angel got a squeaky duck that has on a very fashionable feminine hat. Angel liked it. Mommy hasn't been bringing as many toys. She has been getting us dingo bones. She said we have so many toys, they are everywhere. I say a dog can never get enough toys.

Mommy had to stop by the store on the way home because it started snowing while she was in the movie, and the roads were getting bad (not in my opinion but in hers). By the time she got home, the roads were completely covered with snow. Angel and I were delighted. She got some supplies which seemed to involve diet coke and ding dongs. Mommy knows what is important ot have around the house. She also got a couple of boxes of milkbone. The boxes she bought the last time she was at the store were gone. We have no idea how those boxes can disappear so fast. I have a milkbone pillow that looks like a box of milkbone, but it is a pillow because I am sleeping with my head on it. I think Jeff is sneaking into our milkbone when Mommy isn't looking. I can't think of any other explanation for the boxes being empty. Mommy put them in a plastic jar with paws on the side. Angel brought it into the bedroom and she opened it. I got the last bone because I couldn't fit my nose in it so I turned it upside down so the bone would come to me. Angel and I both thought that the jar was a nice snack.

For those of you who missed the news, I am waiting for the concession speeches of the other presidential candidates. Those sore losers haven't conceded to me yet. I'm beginning to get annoyed at them. That isn't the way they are supposed to act. They should know the proper protocol. I'll let you know when they call to concede. I think they are just upset having to concede to a dog--you know what big egos the humans have!!!!

I've got to get back to my nap.

Demon Flash Bandit (Presidentail Candidate, and Lover of Movie, Snow Buddies)

 
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