February 1st 2008 11:51 am
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By the way, make sure all of you dogs take pencils with you when you vote because you'll have to write in my name. The humans have left me off their ballot because they know I would win. They are so afraid of having a dog run things because they know they will end up looking like idiots when I get everything running smooothly and fix all their mistakes. It is a lot of work, but some dog has to do it.
Today I am going to discuss a person from movie history, Tarzan. Tarzan got stuck in the jungle as a puppy--sorry, as a child. He grew up in the jungle. I guess he was raised by monkeys or elephants. I'm not too sure about that. I've only seen a few minutes of a Tarzan movie because it was up against something I liked better. I discussed it with Mommy, and this is what I learned. Tarzan was brought up in the jungle. He found a woman, Jane. I guess she just enjoyed living in the jungle too. Evidently, she didn't have much in common with Angel Zoom Smokey because Angel would want to go out to eat, and chat on her cell phone. Where did Jane buy her make-up, items of great importance to Angel. Angel also likes jewelry, and it better not be cheap. That pup will take it to an appraiser. She claims it is for insurance purposes, but I once gave her a ring from a bubble gum machine, and let's just say, I'm lucky to be alive. If it isn't odd enough that Tarzan and Jane are hanging around in the jungle, a kid shows up. He is given the highly creative name, Boy. I don't think he is Tarzan and Jane's kid, but this dog things something might have been going on between the 2 of them. I think the chances of 3 Europeans getting lost in an African jungle is pretty slim. I guess it was in Africa. I didn't really ask. I'm just assuming. Anyway, there is also a very intelligent chimp whose name slips my mind. It seems like it might be Cheetah, but that would be an odd name since it is a monkey unless there was a pet cheetah named Chimp. I don't know all the details so they could be wrong. They don't show these movies a lot anymore. I had to ask Mommy and she says she hasn't seen them in years. I will make the comment that it is sad when the monkey has a more interesting name that the kid. Tarzan has a unique transportation system--he gets through the jungle quickly by swinging on vines. I hope he didn't get fatter as he got older because I doubt that the vines are going to get stronger. Anyway, I give this whole idea 4 paws down. Having a monkey as a pet instead of a dog is just sick. There is no snow and the jungle is hot. There are no Burger Kings in the jungle. It may work for Tarzan and Jane, but the Deemster likes his BK. Anyway, if you are in the jungle, say hi, but don't ask them to name anything. They have no taste in names.
Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Who Prefers Civilization)
January 31st 2008 10:03 pm
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Angel Zoom Smokey jumped into bed last night, and slept in MY SPOT. I told her to move, but she happens to be the world’s most stubborn dog. Mommy woke up in the middle of the night because Angel was snuggling her off the bed. Mommy thought it was cute. I say Angel Zoom Smokey is a menace to society.
Mommy told me about a commercial that was on years ago for tootsie pops. The makers of tootsie pops wanted to know how many licks it takes to get to the tootsie roll center of a tootsie pop. Why did they ask an owl? An owl is a bird. As my loyal diary readers know, I hate birds. They are evil. The owl took 3 licks and then bit into the tootsie pop to get to the tootsie roll center. I decided to do my own research on this matter so I got a tootsie roll pop, and I decided to see for myself how many licks it takes to get to the delicious tootsie roll center. I took one lick and then another, and then I bit into the tootsie pop to get to the tootsie roll center. The owl said 3 licks and it only took me 2. The owl is clearly an idiot. If any of you dogs want to do your own research, tell your owners to get you a lot of tootsie roll pops. Obviously, we dogs have A LOT of research to do on this matter. Hand me some more tootsie pops Mommy. No, I’m not just trying to find an excuse to eat candy. I’m doing serious scientific research. She is coming with a bag of tootsie pops. I’ll have to stop writing to continue my research.
Demon Flash Bandit (Dog of Science)
January 29th 2008 9:25 am
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Jeff is out with a friend even though Angel Zoom Smokey told him off before he left. I just watched and gave him sad looks. Angel really howls about it.
Valentine's Day is approaching so I'm already busily trying to think of a way to heist some candy. Candy is one of those Valentine traditions that a dog can never get enough of. Of course, the humans tell us that chocolate will kill us. That is a clever ruse on their part because they know what is good, and are trying to keep it for themselves. Believe me, I've been into the chocolate (I've mentioned before that all you have to do is open the cabinet door and knock some other stuff out to get to it.) I'm still alive and well. The humans are always dishing out propaganda so we dogs don't get to enjoy the tastier things of life. My own Mommy adores chocolate. I think she doesn't want to share (which is why I have to find it myself and try to keep her from confiscating it once I find it).
Mommy was watching an old tv documentary program called The Munsters last night, and one episode had them camping and Grandpa turned himself into a wolf, and he looked like a husky. Sometimes they use us as wolves because we are not likely to bite the people (at least they did in the older shows). Mommy was oohing and aahing over how cute the "wolf" was. I have to admit, it was a handsome pup. I have to make some comments on the show in general not because it is my job or because I have to, but because I enjoy critiqueing tv documentaries. They make many references to the "Old Country" which is Transylvania. I'm sure they aren't representaive of everyone in Translyvania because Daddy was very normal looking and his Grandmother came from there. I suspect that this program was actually meant for entertainment since it didn't quite seem plausible. I noticed that Marilyn was the "ugly duckling" in the family yet everyone who came to their house looked more like her than them. Mr. Munster looked like Frankenstein. I think Lilly was the Bride of Frankenstein, and Grandpa was a vampire. The little boy, Eddie, was a werewolf. I think the show did a good job covering all the differences in people. Hermann Munster (Mr. Munster) was a very nice guy, and it shows that you can't always judge people by their appearances. Grandpa was a nice guy who was always conjuring up different formulas in his lab which didn't always work well. Eddie was a sweet kid. Lilly was a model Mother--always worrying about the family. In all, I would say that it was a very nice family, and although perhaps not totally average, I'd say they were the kind of people who would could fit in nicely with society, and the only thing I would suggest is that their house be next to a cemetery which I'm sure they would love. I do have to add that I think they should have had a dog instead of their pet, Spot. I wasn't impressed with Spot as a pet. He was very ill mannered, and, in my opinion, was more trouble to the family than Angel Zoom Smokey is around here. They loved him anyway so I do give them credit for that.
I have to go now and see if Angel Zoom Smokey is getting into any trouble.
Demon Flash Bandit (Candy "Munster")
January 28th 2008 11:44 am
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I have been Valentine Tagged by my pal, Sadie. Basically the rules are:
You list 5 wishes and then you choose 5 pals, and notify they by paw-mail or rosette that they have been tagged.
My 5 Wishes
1. I become President of the United States. I love the song, Hail to the dog, he's the Dog and he needs hailing. Do what he says or he'll put you in jail. Hail to the Dog, he's the dog who is in charge.......you get the idea.
2. I want to take my naps with absolutely no interruptions. I am always getting woke up, and it annoys me.
3. I want Angel Zoom Smokey to do what I tell her to do. For some odd reason, she thinks she doesn't have to listen to me, and I'm the LEAD DOG.
4. I want a truck load of Dingo bones to pull up in our driveway twice a week so I won't run out. By the way, I am referring to a semi--not just a pick-up truck. A pick-up truck or one of those small delivery trucks just couldn't deliver enough Dingo bones.
5. A truck load of obediant (I covered this subject in a recent diary entry) squeaky toys. Again, I'm discussing a semi load of toys.
That is my 5 wishes, but I would like to add that I hope all the doggies and kitties that need a home find a nice one like I live in. I am adding the 6th wish because it is unselfish and therefore, should be allowed.
Now I have to tag 5 pals. Here they are:
1. Angel Zoom Smokey
2. Savannal Blue Belle
4. Brandy III
I hope all of you dogs have all your wishes come true.
Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Who Wants Stuff)
January 27th 2008 10:05 am
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Yesterday I was sitting around enjoying some well deserved Milkbone (no I didn't do any tricks or anything--I deserve them for being me). I want to add the words of that great doggie philosopher who said, I eat Milkbone (or Burger King), therefore I am. Anyway, back to the subject. I should be running this house. I'm not kidding, the humans around here are not up to the task. I know you are thinking, why aren't they up to the task? I don't really have an answer for that, but I just want to run things around here. I'm tired of following silly humans rules--and I'm sure all you dogs know what I'm talking about. They have so many rules--you can't pee anywhere you want. I'd like to know why not. You aren't supposed to drink out of the toilet--if you aren't supposed to drink out of it, why is there always a generous supply of water in it? I wasn't allowed to sell Angel Zoom Smokey on E-Bay when she was a puppy even though she is clearly a trouble maker. However, I have found it is nice to have her around. If anything is out of place, I just point my paw at her and laugh. The sad thing is that Mommy never really gets onto her so it really isn't as much fun as it sounds. She is so spoiled. Yesterday Angel and I had pork chops for dinner and some left over chicken. Angel was very fond of the smoked pork chops because she really likes ham. Anyway, I told her that she should be eating dog food because it is better for her than human food. I was hoping she would fall for it because 2 pork chops just wasn't enough. That spoiled brat wouldn't listen. She ate "her" pork chops. I don't care what Mommy said--they were MINE. Can you believe how spoiled she is? By the way, I've had a few humans tell Mommy that I am spoiled. It is not true. I am a good dog who never gets in trouble, and I think that I deserve only good things in life. That is my opinion and I'm sticking with it. Pay no attention to what Angel says in her entries. She is a very spoiled puppy.
Demon Flash Bandit (Good Dog)
January 26th 2008 10:53 am
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I bet there are other dogs out there who are wondering why their garbage is stolen every week. I would think it was just me, but I've covered this topic with other dogs, and it seems to be a universal problem. I don't know why the humans let it happen. It is almost like they encourage the theft of their garbage. I've seen Jeff carry it down to the street, and that just makes it easier for the people to steal it. Every week, it is the same story----STOLEN GARBAGE. It really irks me that people think they can just drive by and take the best stuff in the house. I've seen my family throw away major treasures--used kleenexes, food wrappers, and left over food which is perfectly good. I know. Occasionally, I've rescued food that they just tossed in the trash. I would say maybe they are too stupid to know it might get stolen, but I'm sure they are aware of the possibility--even they aren't that stupid. The first time it happened, I was just a wee puppy, and I couldn't do anything about it. Then I got a little bigger, and I learned to used the phone. I called 911 to report that our garbage was being stolen. Those jerks told me not to call unless it was an emergency--I thought having your house robbed was considered an emergency so I had a few choice words for the idiot who answered the phone that day. They promised to send out police cars, but the police didn't stop the perpetrators. I don't think the police take this matter seriously enough. We need more dogs on the police force. If you called 911, and a dog answered, the garbage issue would get the attention it deserves. If you send out a police dog, that jerk stealing our garbage would be apprehended and possibly bitten in the process. Hey, it is fair--he was probably resisting arrest, and threatening the police dog. Anyway, when I become President, there will be dogs answering calls at 911 only we will have our own number--K911, and there will be dogs on every police force--and not just drug sniffing dogs. I'm talking about detectives and every type of police work. Last but certainly not least, I plan to make it a felony for someone to steal garbage. I am glad I had a chance to cover another serious Presidential issue.
Demon Flash Bandit (Victim of Garbage Theft)
January 25th 2008 11:08 am
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This diary entry I have decided to write a tribute to Cinnamon Toast Crunch cereal. The cereal has little squares of delicious flavor. I found a box of it, and I've been carrying it around for the past 2 days. When I find food I enjoy, I carry it with me everywhere I go. Mommy made grilled chicken last night, and it was delicious. (No, they didn't grill outside, they used a George Foreman grill.) Angel and I both got our fill of chicken and then slept for hours because our tummys were full. Angel is particularly fond of grilled chicken. Mommy said she never thought she would have to stand in the kitchen and guard the grill. We were both hanging out in the kitchen and she was afraid we would pull the grill down on our noses. How does she know what we are thinking? It is unreal.
Life around here is still boring, but I'm still keeping my paws crossed that they won't do any home improvement projects. Angel and I were discussing that issue, and she doesn't see anything wrong with the house as it is. Humans waste so much of their valuable time worrying about silly stuff.
I hope everyone reading this has a nice weekend. For those who don't bother to read my diary entries, have a lousy weekend---only kidding. You wouldn't know to have a lousy weekend anyway because you aren't reading this. I think that is call a paradox, but I have no real idea. I just like to write big words so I'll seem like a super intelligent dog. It really impresses the girls.
Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Who Loves Cereal)
January 24th 2008 12:06 pm
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In reference to yesterday's entry, I called to check on Obedience Schools for dog toys, and the people who answered the phone acted like they had absolutely no idea what I was talking about. I would assume that I was wrong about dog toy obedience school until I realized that the toys probably were answering the phones. Of course, they wouldn't want me to bring in the toys to obedience school. It also occurred to me that they might just train the dogs to make the toys behave because it might be too time comsuning to bring in every toy separately. I think they are missing some major business because a lot of us dogs have a lot of toys which would be potential business for them. That would explain why there are so many dogs going because we obviously don't need to attend for our behaviour. I'm not sure which of my theories is correct, but I'll be investigating further. If it were the toys answering, they wouldn't want a dog to know they are answering the phones. Life is full of enigmas.
Living in this house is not the most exciting place for a dog to live. I think this family has taken boring to a whole new level. I had to listen to an entire conversation yesterday that involved re-decorating which was super boring. I have no idea why humans feel the constant need to fix things, change things and improve things. From what I see, things are great around here. If they put in new stuff, it is just going to cause Angel and me more work trying to ruin it, and get the house back to the homey place it is now. Why are humans constantly exerting themselves with trivial stuff that their dogs could care less about? I'm sure my naps will be interrupted because they will be making noise, and sometimes they might even have the nerve to tell me to move to another napping spot. I'm keeping my paws crossed that they will be too unmotivated to actually get anything done. I know my family. They aren't over-achievers and that is how I like it. A dog needs his naps. I think the humans would be a lot happier if they just napped a lot like us dogs. Dreamland is a whole lot better than the real world. When are humans going to learn that simple fact?
Speaking of naps.......
Demon Flash Bandit (Trying to Understand Humans)
January 23rd 2008 7:22 am
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I have decided that Mommy has a point about Obedience School. My toys need to be enrolled. Sometimes I throw them in the air and they try to escape. What kind of ridiculous behavior is that? Yesterday, one landed between the foot board of the bed and the mattress. I had to dig that smart alec toy out of its hiding place, and give it a firm shaking. You'd think that would straighten out the toy's ridiculous behavior, but I tossed it, and this time it tried to hide behind the door. That is when I realized that these toys are too spoiled. Evidently, they think they can do whatever they want, and don't have to obey the dog. This horrible behavior has got to end so I plan to enroll them in Obedience School. I think it is common because a lot of dogs go to Obedience School so there must be a lot of toys that have to be taken in by their dogs. Owning toys is a big responsibility.
Mommy and Jeff went to a movie yesterday. Mommy saw 27 dresses. Why would you go to a movie about clothes? I'm worried that Mommy might be losing her sanity. She did say there was a dog in the movie so that was nice. Jeff went to see Atonement which was about a tone (I'm assuming a musical tone) which gets together with a ment (which I'm assuming is the mis-spelling of mint). Therefore, the movie was about a mint that could sing. It sounds like a silly movie to me, but Jeff will watch anything.
I've got to go and make some phone calls about Toy Obedience School.
Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Who Knows How To Deal With Toys)
January 22nd 2008 1:14 pm
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Angel and I were planning a tour with our singing group, the Howling Huskies, but Mommy is ruining our plans. How are we supposed to become famous singing stars if we don't tour? I tried to explain this to Mommy and she came up with some silly garbage about groups touring when they have appearances set up. They don't just tour aimlessly around the country. Mommy doesn't seem to understand that we are so wonderful that getting show dates won't be any problem at all. We will be turning appearances down. Mommy can be stubborn so I guess the Howling Huskies won't be touring anytime soon. We we hoping to book a nice gig in Alaska so we could enjoy some of their lovely winter weather. Mommy says she wouldn't go to Alaska in the winter time. That really annoyed Angel and me. That would be the most delightful time to go there. As usual, humans are silly.
Jeff read my entry about dragons, and he said they have wings so they can fly anywhere they want so why would they be on a remote island? I told him that it could be their choice. Maybe they got mad at the humans for always trying to kill them. If they have wings, that wouldn't make them birds, would it? If they were giant birds and could breathe fire, that would melt snow, they would then be the most dangerous, evil birds in existence. Actually, I don't think they are birds and I"ve never heard of any of them melting snow, so I think they are okay. If any dragons are reading this entry, you are okay with Demon Flash Bandit. However, don't get any ideas about stealing my snow. Snow is MINE, ALL MINE.
Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Who Loves Snow)
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