Adventures of a lead dog

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Humans Are so Stupid

February 11th 2008 12:29 pm
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Humans live in various types of dwellings. I happen to live in a house. The reason I am bringing this up is that I've been studying various types of dwellings to make sure that my standard of living is what it should be. I think my lifestyle should be lavish--I'm not saying I expect the be on that program, Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous because I prefer my anonymity: but I should be living that lifestyle. During my research, I discovered a house that is called a mansion. Distinquishing between a house and a mansion is not difficult. The mansion is larger, has a lot more amenities, and is a lot nicer than a regular house. That is when I realized that I am not living in a mansion--I am merely living in a house. I was quite upset about this, and I decided to have a long talk with Mommy about the situation. Mommy told me that she isn't rich, and only rich people can afford mansions. This sounds like the same kind of lame excuse she came up with when I asked for a limo instead of a car. I don't know why the humans are so stupid. I told her all she has to do is become rich. She didn't seem to think it was so easy---no wonder so many humans aren't rich. I told her to go to the bank and tell them she wants more money. I've been to the bank with her, and they are nice people. They give Angel and me milkbone, and they give Mommy money. All she has to do is put a larger amount of money on the withdrawal slip. I wonder how humans can survive without us dogs. Despite my brilliant help, she still hasn't gone to the bank and used my advice. I guess I'm going to have to do it myself. I wonder how many millions a handsome dog like me can take out at one time. I'm guessing they probably have a limit of a million or two at the drive-thru, and I don't want to have to go in. Walking in would be too much trouble. I'll let you dogs know how it goes. It might take a couple of weeks to get enough money to buy that mansion. I wonder----would an island be too much trouble to get to and from?,,,,,,,

Mommy went shopping last night and brought home dingo bones. When I buy my mansion, I think I'll have a dingo bone room. I think a room filled with dingo bones would be cool to have.

Demon Flash Bandit (Leaving for the Bank)

 

I Hate Birds---REAL OR FAKE

February 10th 2008 11:13 am
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Have you ever had one of those moments when you thought your world would collapse? I, Demon Flash Bandit had one yesterday. Mommy likes to "design" silk flower arrangements which I'm okay with. It isn't that I really care that much about flowers, I'd rather see them covered with lovely white snow. Anyway, I might prefer snow, but I have no grudge against the flowers. However, can you imagine my shock when Mommy added a bird to an arrangement. Yes a BIRD. I couldn't believe my own Mommy would buy a bird to put with the flowers. I must admit the only good thing was that it was a fake bird, but still anyone who reads my entries knows how much I hate those little evil snow stealing varmints flying around leaving their little "bundles' on everything under them. I know they think the humans will consider it an accident, but they plan their "bombings". They have little maps and schedules in their nests so they will know when and where to drop their little packages. I know there are people out there who will back me up who have had the package dropped on them. Anyway, let's just say someone in the house "accidentally" destroyed the bird. Mommy asked me about it, and I told her that the birds were selling drugged bird seed, and some tough looking birds came in and killed them. Mommy believed me because she has watched enough tv to know that some of the people who deal in drugs get killed by other dealers. Anyway, I hope in the future that she doesn't bother to get anymore fake birds. I know some of you might be thinking, if they are fake, why are you so concerned about them? The reason is because the humans already think birds are cute and they don't want them to die. If there are a bunch of flowers out there surrounded by fake birds, people won't be aware of the dangers the real birds pose. I know the fake birds are made by the real birds for tha purpose. Those birds will stop at nothing to take all the dog's snow, and have the planet die due to global warming. Then they will just fly to another planet where they will annoy the aliens. Remember, if you run across any "fake" birds in your house, they are selling drugged birdseed. That is your excuse for destroying them.

I've got to take a nap now. I'll dream about a birdless world.

Demon Flash Bandit (Fake Bird Hater)

 

Silly Doggie Outfits

February 9th 2008 12:32 pm
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As I was enjoying a leisurely walk through town--okay, as I was dragging the Fster along behind me because he has no idea where we should walk, I saw a small dog--one of those Mexican type dogs- who was wearing clothes. I was apalled at the nerve of his humans, and I thought about calling the police to have his humans arrested. Why would a human put a dog through such indignity? To be fair, I didn't think of calling the police until I was through laughing which took about 5 minutes. Let's face it, dogs wearing clothes are hilarious. I know I may not speak for all dogs, but if one of my humans decides to dress me, they had better realize that I may be wearing the clothes, but they just might be sporting less fingers. I don't take kindly to looking silly. Anyway, I guess little dogs are afraid to do anything because they are always in danger of being stepped on. If they don't do what the humans tell them to do, they could end up as flat as pancakes, and all the human has to do is say that they didn't mean to "step" on the little bundle of fur. Angel has her own method for avoiding the humans and their "costume" ideas. Let's just say that when Jeff gave her the middle name of Zoom, he didn't realize how much that name would describe her. If anyone approaches her with anthing that even looks remotely like clothing, she ZOOMS out of the room. Angel understands the importance of not looking silly. For all you little dogs out there, you have Demon Flash Bandit's sympathy. However, don't expect me not to laugh--you are just too funny in your little outfits.

Demon Flash Bandit (Fashion Critic)

 

My View of British Royalty

February 8th 2008 10:22 am
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I haven't done any historical entries lately so it is about time I wrote another one. Actually, since I'm running for President, I thought it might be nice to write about royalty since our country (the United States) was smart enough not to have a royal family. I think this was because by the time the American colonies decided to "go their own way", King George III of Britain was not only stupid, but also insane. Let me examine this further. European royalty had blue blood which is kind of odd since most humans have red blood. I think theirs must have been anti-freeze or maybe that blue gatorade they sell in stores. Anyway, they were supposed to marry other royals because they couldn't marry people with red blood because red blooded people were "peasants" which isn't to be confused with pheasants which are birds, and you know how much I hate birds. Anyway, because there were only a few royals with blue blood and they had to marry blue bloods, it wasn't long before their family trees had no branches. In fact, their family tree branched less than the average red neck family from places like the area where they filmed the delightful movie, Deliverence. I hate to risk the red neck vote, but I mean no disrespect. I just don't think it is a wise move to marry a cousin which is exactly what the royal family kept doing. Is it any wonder that after enough generations, you have a group of idiots who tend to be insane? I'm just wondering what George W.'s excuse is. Was he dropped on his head or was it all the drinking and drugs? Oh sorry, he isn't running in the next election, is he? I guess I don't need to bash him. I hate to be harsh on the other candidates, but I've watched enough on tv to know that I'm supposed to insult the other people running. By the way, W., when the creditors are calling me in the White House, I'm giving them your home number and your cell phone number. Don't expect the Deemster to clean up your messes. I dont clean up my own messes. I have 2 helpful words for you: PUPPY PADS.

Back to the subject: I will examine the royal family of Great Britain today. They are nice to their dogs which is a point in their favor, but they have no huskies. We could have lots of fun running through the castle so they should consider getting a husky or two. They have a bunch of castles because they can't make up their mind where they want to live. They get paid lots of milkbone because they are the royal family yet Parliament runs things. I don't know how well they run things because there are no huskies in Parliament either-and we are the experts on running. Anyway, it seems the reason the royal family get paid so much is because they are the royal family. They don't seem to do much except the younger people seem to be great at embarrassing their elders. As I said earlier, they like their dogs, so they aren't all bad, but they probably could take a large pay cut judging from the work they do. Why is it that the people who work the hardest tend to make the least money? With that in mind, why do schools teach children to grow up and work hard so they can do well in life when it would be more accurate to teach them that the lazy people usually end up making the money? Would it have been better for me if I hadn't been born a working breed? I think it might be different for us dogs because we are a lot smarter than humans.

There is one particularly interesting king from the past which I should mention. His name was Henry VIII. He had 6 wives. If he got tired of one of them, he could just have her be-headed. This type of behavior was very annoying to his wives. Of course, it was hard to argue with him when you are missing your head so he didn't get a lot of back talk from them. I don't know why he didn't just divorce them because he divorced his first wife (Catherine of Aragon), and the Pope didn't approve so he started his own church. After that, it seems that divorce would be quite easy. My guess is that he liked the fact that he didn't get the "back talk" as I mentioned earlier. He also didn't have to worry about wasting his money supporting them. People without heads don't tend to spend much money. Anyway, he was basically a cool guy as long as you weren't married to him. It was a long time ago so if you take a trip to England, you won't run into him.

I'm sure Henry VIII had a very enjoyable life, and I will end with a quote from the movie, History of the World. Thank you, Mel Brooks for this memorable quote, "It's good to be the king." I hope all you dogs have a nice weekend, and here is a quote from Demon Flash Bandit, "Its good to be the dog".

Demon Flash Bandit (President--not King)

 

Fun at the Mardi Gras

February 7th 2008 12:01 pm
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I've come to the conclusion that the reason I haven't gotten any concession calls from the other presidential candidates is because I'm at the Mardi Gras with Savvy, and they don't know where I am. I have to check the Voice Mail when I get home. They probably conceded, and left it on the Voice Mail. I'm not going to check it remotely because I'm having a good time here. Even with having to go and bail out Angel and Samoa, it has been fun. Those two are always getting into trouble. They were taking down my campaign posters, and putting up Angel's posters. They also had Wanted posters which Savvy ad I did not find amusing. I guess that puppy Samoa now knows he has no jurisdiction in New Orleans. Just because he made himself sheriff of Dog Town, he seems to think he has authority everywhere. I bet Angel was encouraging him.

Savvy suggested we send those 2 mongrels to Australia since it was a penal colony. She says the whole continent is a jail so we could get rid of them, and have them in jail all at the same time. Savvy was reading an encyclopedia, and evidently, it has lots of useful information like that. Savvy's must be more up to date than mine. According to Mommy's set, the last great war that was fought involved a "Trojan horse", and it must have happened at the Greek restaurant Mommy goes to because the Greeks won because of the horse, and I asked Mommy if it was some kind of price war. I also wanted to know since a horse was involved, are dogs allowed in the restaurant now? Her set doesn't even mention Australia!!!!!

I"ve got to get off the computer, and check with my campaign staff about the election. I hope all you dogs remember to vote for me.

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Who Reads Encyclopedias)

 

Must See Movie--SNOW BUDDIES on dvd

February 6th 2008 10:27 am
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Last night Mommy went out and to see the movie, Strange Wilderness which, quite frankly sounds like a strange movie to me. I am so clever, I amuse even myself. Anyway, Mommy also bought a copy of SNOW BUDDIES which we watched last night. This movie definitely wins my movie of the year vote. The puppy sled dogs led by a handsome blue eyed pup named Shasta become sled dogs. I won't go into any details about the movie or ruin the ending for you, but all the puppies were so cute that Mommy was oohing and aahing through the whole movie. I highly recommend it to all you dogs and humans who are on dogster since there seems to be a great love of dogs and puppies on this site. By the way, if purchased at Best Buy, they have a sticker on the front where you can get a free stuffed husky. I think Mommy paid $3.95 for shipping and handling, but she was all excited about getting a stuffed husky. She even brought us toys last night. I got a squeaky hat, and Angel got a squeaky duck that has on a very fashionable feminine hat. Angel liked it. Mommy hasn't been bringing as many toys. She has been getting us dingo bones. She said we have so many toys, they are everywhere. I say a dog can never get enough toys.

Mommy had to stop by the store on the way home because it started snowing while she was in the movie, and the roads were getting bad (not in my opinion but in hers). By the time she got home, the roads were completely covered with snow. Angel and I were delighted. She got some supplies which seemed to involve diet coke and ding dongs. Mommy knows what is important ot have around the house. She also got a couple of boxes of milkbone. The boxes she bought the last time she was at the store were gone. We have no idea how those boxes can disappear so fast. I have a milkbone pillow that looks like a box of milkbone, but it is a pillow because I am sleeping with my head on it. I think Jeff is sneaking into our milkbone when Mommy isn't looking. I can't think of any other explanation for the boxes being empty. Mommy put them in a plastic jar with paws on the side. Angel brought it into the bedroom and she opened it. I got the last bone because I couldn't fit my nose in it so I turned it upside down so the bone would come to me. Angel and I both thought that the jar was a nice snack.

For those of you who missed the news, I am waiting for the concession speeches of the other presidential candidates. Those sore losers haven't conceded to me yet. I'm beginning to get annoyed at them. That isn't the way they are supposed to act. They should know the proper protocol. I'll let you know when they call to concede. I think they are just upset having to concede to a dog--you know what big egos the humans have!!!!

I've got to get back to my nap.

Demon Flash Bandit (Presidentail Candidate, and Lover of Movie, Snow Buddies)

 

My howling photo has been chosen by Jeff!!!!!

February 5th 2008 10:05 am
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My brother finally hooked up a printer to the computer last night. Normally, that wouldn't excite me at all, but he has edited one of my photos, and it is going to be used for the E-Bay store. I think it is quite an honor. The reason I am being used instead of Angel is that Jeff wanted a photo where one of is has our head in the air howling, and that photo happens to be of me. It was taken on Halloween, and Angel was too excited over the children coming by for trick or treating to howl.

I heard Mommy talking about going out later today. I'm totally against it, but my opinion never seems to matter to anyone.

Mommy buys dog magazines, and I was looking through one the other day, and I found it has an article about how to make your dog behave. Yes, you read correctly---how to make your DOG behave. I would write a nasty letter to the editor, but the editor is obviously a human to have let an article like that be printed in the first place so I knew it was a waste of time to write it. The article should be how a dog can make a PERSON behave. I won't even cover the humans who mis-treat their dogs. The humans who are good to us have all sorts of stupid rules, and they don't do what we tell them to do. Now a magazine is encouraging humans to think they are in charge. I guess I should start a doggie magazine that tells dogs how to handle their humans. When is the last time your human did what you told him to do? I have spent a lot of time training my humans so I think I am a bit of an expert on this subject. My Mommy didn't think I should eat at Burger King every day, but I had Daddy trained, and he took care of it for me. It takes a lot of time, and it is better if you start training them when you are a puppy, but it is never too late. If I decide to publish a magazine, I'll put the info here so dogs who are interested can order. Chances are I won't publish one though because I think publishing a magazine might take up too much of my nap time. I will leave you with a piece of advice: Take charge, and tell the humans what to do. It is worth the time and trouble spent training them. A well-trained human is a dog's best friend.

I've got to get back to my nap.

Demon Flash Bandit (Human Trainer)

 

Tomorrow----SNOW BUDDIES ON DVD

February 4th 2008 7:31 am
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Savannah Blue Belle has posted some nice photos of Angel and Me in New Orleans. It is a fun city, and we are here for the Mardi Gras. I am so pleased that she invited me because I love parades. It would have been nice if Angel Zoom Smokey hadn't come along, but I know Samoa SunnyBear will keep her busy. I plan to do some serious campaigning for the presidency. I think I'll have a great audience here since the govt. didn't do a great job taking care of them after Hurricane Katrina hit. I know I could have done a better job. I hate to bash the present administration, but I think a bird could have done a better job. Okay, I"ll admit it, bashing the present administration is fun. I think any administration run by humans is bascially flawed because humans are funning it. That is the opinion of most of us dogs. Humans can barely feed themselves. They have to use utensils because they don't have enough sense to just stick their mouth onto the plate. If they have no utensils, they starve. How smart is that? Don't get me wrong, I love my humans, but all us dogs know that humans weren't given much in the brain department.

Yesterday was the culmination of the football season which is great with me. I covered my dislike of football in a previous entry so I won't go into detail. I'll just say I'm glad it is over. The humans seem to have a sport for every season. Now I think it is basketball season. This game is played with a large, bouncy ball which the humans try to throw into a "basket" which is up in the air on a pole. The word "basket" is mis-leading because there is no wicker or anything like it--it is a net. Perhaps they should call it netball, but humans aren't that intelligent. It isn't as violent as football, and can be slightly entertaining to watch, but it is usually boring. How long can a dog watch humans bouncing a ball around and throwing it in the air? When Air Bud plays, then the game is worth watching. That dog knows how to throw a ball. Tomorrow, the wildly anticipated, Snow Buddies is coming out on dvd. Husky puppies teamed with retriever puppies. I already think it is Best Picture of the Year material, and I'm anxious to see it.

I've got to go. Since I"m on vacation in New Orleans, I don't want to spend too much time on the computer.

Demon Flash Bandit (Awaiting Snow Buddies)

 

Gas Prices Could Affect Dogs Riding Around

February 3rd 2008 11:32 am
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This is going to be a serious entry. I read on the internet news a couple of days ago that Exxon had made record profits. I wonder how they could make record profits if the reason they HAVE to charge so much is because they are having to pay so much for the gas. Wouldn't that mean they would have about the same amount in profit because they are just charging more because they are having to pay more? This is what happens when you have both a president and vice-president who are oil men. Mommy predicted this would happen before they took office so I'm going to make her secretary of predicting the future on my cabinet when I become president. I think this is a cabinet post that has been largely neglected yet it is very nice to know in advance what is going to happen. It amazes me how much smarter we dogs are than humans. Anyway, I've got a new campaign issue. When I become president, I'm going to let the oil companies pay for the war in Iraq. It seems only fair since they seem to be the ones profitting from it. I bet there would be a lot less wars if there weren't people profitting from them. Anyway, they can take over the cost because I don't want the govt. owing so much that they have creditors calling the White House every day. I also promise that when I become president, I don't care how much I like dingo bones, and even if I buy a lot of stock in the dingo bone company, I won't let the prices soar out of the reach of the average dog. By the way, I think I'm being very fair to the oil companies. I think the only other people who might be interested in the Middle East would be the people who sell sand for sandboxes. Those people haven't been as greedy so they are "off the hook".

I'm sorry that I have to use this forum to tackle such an unpopular subject as gas prices, but I like to take rides, and at the rate it is going up, Mommy will tell me that she can't afford to pay $5.00 a gallon to drive a dog around so I'm tackling the problem before it gets to that price. I know I'm not the only dog who likes to ride so this is an issue that directly affects us dogs.

I also want to add that I, Demon Flash Bandit, (as covered in a previous entry) would like to ride around in a limo. I have seen those little "gas saver cars", and I'm not sure if I could fit 2 paws in one of them. They look like miniature cars. The first time I saw one, I thought it was a toy car. I asked if it was a hot wheels. I felt so sorry for the driver who was running beside the car because he couldn't fit inside it. I also want to make a comment on the electric cars---HAHAHA I'm totally for the new ways of doing things, but so far, in the opinion of Demon Flash Bandit, they need a lot of work. Is an electric car considered a toy since it runs on batteries? When you buy one, are the batteries included in the purchase? Why do people buy a car that is smaller than the sled we dogs pull? As previously stated, when I take over there will be changes, and I'm starting with those oil people. I hope they enjoy buying helicopters and tanks because that is what they will be buying.

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Who Likes to Ride in a Car)

 

Cats Are Good Bird Killers

February 2nd 2008 10:17 am
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We woke up to about 4 inches of snow yesterday so it was a great day. What a lovely start to the weekend.

Today I would like to give a tribute to another furry pet, the cat. I know some of you dogs hate cats, but cats like to catch and eat birds which makes them okay in my book. Birds are the most evil creatures on the planet. At least cats are smart enough to realize that. Humans are totally dense on the subject. Some humans even feed the birds. My own Mommy brought some bird houses home to paint. I have been trying to find a way to fit a mouse trap through the tiny hole. Surprise, Mr. Bird, you have been trapped. I would worry, but I know how horrible Mommy is about finishing projects. By the time she gets them painted, the birds will be extinct--particularly with Demon Flash Bandit in charge of their destruction.

I"m going to be taking a virtual trip to the Mardi Gras with Savannah Blue Belle. I'm looking forward to it. It will be nice to get away. This time I don't have to stay in "jail" which is what a kennel actually is.

I hope the weekend is going well for all of you dogs out there, and I hope you are fortunate enough to get lots of snow.

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Who Appreciates A Cat's Efforts)

 
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