Adventures of a lead dog

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Dog Toys--Not Books

February 19th 2008 12:07 pm
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Why do humans have totally uninteresting books laying around which they never bother to read? Is it to make people who visit think they are intelligent (yeah, right). There are books all over the place here. I had to tell Mommy the other day that this is not a library. I think that the place would look a lot better if she dumped the books and brought in something more valuable to fill the space---dog toys. Sure, Mommy does read, but I know she isn't going to get around to reading all these books, and I happen to know that there are books written in ancient Greek in the basement, and they are still there because they were Robby's books, and Robby could read them. I live with these people, and believe me, they are idiots. Sure, Robby was an exception. He took Greek because Latin was full. Mommy can barely speak English. I have been helping her because, as all of us dogs know, most of our owners don't have enough common sense to come in out of the rain. In fact, they create rain in the bathrooms in a thing called a shower. You won't catch many dogs volunteering to get wet. We usually hate water--with the exception of a few of the breeds who were bred to retrieve things out of the water, and since that is dead birds, they have my admiration. I would get wet to get rid of an evil bird. I also don't mind getting wet if there is rain or snow as long as I can go outside and enjoy it, but the fun is being outside--not being wet. Anyway, I do think that books are basically useless. Another book that really annoys me is the How to Train a Husky book. It should be How to Train a Human. Humans are very hard to train. They are stupid and stubborn and happen to mistakenly think that they are in charge. I know my humans are stupid, but I love them anyway. Maybe one day I'll get them trained to do what I say, but I'll keep them even if I don't. I do love them.

Demon Flash Bandit (Book Critic)

 

Why are Clocks Important?

February 18th 2008 10:15 am
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Humans seem to have to have something to do every minute. While we dogs can lay down and do absolutely nothing--and we never feel the slightest bit of guilt about it, the humans feel guilty over everything. They came up with the term, wasting time. How can you waste time, and what is their odd obcession with the concept of time? They aren't just happy owning clocks which tend to be everywhere. they have to have one on their wrist too. Their cell phones tell them the time. I"ve never heard a dog say, I meant to get some work done, but I fell asleep, and didn't get it done. A dog would say. WOOF HOWL HOWL WOOF WOOF which translated means: "Great, I enjoyed that nap. I think I'll look for a morsel of food and then go back to sleep." Dreamland is a lot more fun than reality anyway--you'd think even the humans would know that. Still they continue their odd relationship with time. It seems they always need to be somewhere or they need to be doing something. If a dog wanted to take over the world, all he would have to do is mess with the clocks. I will write more tomorrow. I've got to go re-set some clocks.......

Demon Flash Bandit (Clock Adjuster)

 

New CD by Howling Huskies

February 17th 2008 11:38 am
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Hello from the spare bedroom which has been turned into a computer room. I am hiding from the evil and very annoying Angel Zoom Smokey. I stayed in here all day yesterday, and I got some much needed rest without being woke up by Angel Zoom Smokey every 5 minutes. That puppy wants to play every minute she is awake--and she is awake a lot. I told her that puppies are supposed to sleep a lot and she said she isn't tired.

The Howling Huskies have just finished a new cd with such highly anticipated songs such as: I Want to Hold Your Paw, Sweet Home Alaska, Can't Find my Way To the Sled Race, I Just Want to Sled Race, Nowadays, Birds are Stealing Snow, Once I Was a Husky, and many more delightful hits sure to please even the most discriminating music lover. We will really be howling out on these songs. Watch for our latest cd at you local store. It will be titled, Huskies Howling for You. IF you can't find it in your local store, call our number, DOG-HOW-LING. If no one at that number knows anything about the cd, don't give up, you have probably just dialed the wrong number. Try our e-mail: Music@Howling Huskies.com or visit our Howling Husky web-site--www.howlinghuskies.com. This is truly a must have item and will sell out faster than a beanie baby filled with peas. I don't mind winning a grammy, but I am not I repeat NOT going to wear a suit to the awards ceremony.

I've got to go and write some new music. Have a wonderful weekend.

Demon Flash Bandit (Member of the Howling Huskies)

 

Golf Was Invented by CaveMen

February 16th 2008 10:41 am
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I was channel surfing the tv the other day seeing if there was anything worth watching. I want to add a salute to cable tv--50 channels of nothing worth watching. Anyhoo, I happened to stop on a sporting event called golf. At first I was upset because I thought the tv had gone haywire since nothing seemed to be happening. Of course, I left it on that channel so I could check on the tv. It turns out the tv was fine, but golf is boring. I will describe it to you so when you dogs go channel surfing, you won't be worried about your tv the way I was. It is played by people wearing very silly looking clothes. As my faithful entry readers are already aware, all human clotes are silly looking, but these are even sillier than usual--with the possible exception of the polyester leisure suit. Wait a minute, I think the sumo outfits in one of the last episodes of The Office (3rd season) were funnier. Once you get past the outfits, there is the game itself. There is a huge area (which the smart golfers use carts to traverse) with a total of 18 holes. There is a special ball called a golf ball (imaginative isn't it?) that is supposed to be put into each of the 18 holes by hitting it with a club which is carried in a bag filled with clubs because just one club isn't enough. I think that idea was invented by the people who manufacture golf clubs. I can hear them in their corporate office now. How are we going to sell enough clubs to make money? They only need one. I know......we'll say they need a whole bunch of them. The true genius of that is that anyone dumb enough to spend their day and large amounts of money to play would be dumb enough to think they need more than one if the golf "experts" tell them they do. After spending a lot of time in the sun, their brains get kind of fried anyway. Back to the game. The player hits the ball with the club, and once all the holes have been played, the game is over. I will say that it is nice that they worry so much about the less fortunate because they are always talking about handicaps, and I think it is nice that they remember those who have handicaps. Most sports don't seem to care so much about the people who have physical limitations. Another complaint: when they are hitting the ball, everyone in the crowd has to be extremely quiet which seems silly to me since noise should be part of the equation. I think the golfers are a bit spoiled.
I thought of a few suggestions for making the game more interesting, and even worth watching. They should forget the balls, and each golfer could take a club, and see how long it takes for him to club the other players in the head. Sure, it might be a bit more violent, but don't people watch sports to see action? Having a brain sailing through the air would definitely be more exciting than watching a ball sail through the air. Besides, if they are playing golf, my guess is that their brains aren't functioning well anyway. I think that is how the game originated. It probably started with cavemen who already had a wooden club they were carrying around, and one day Org decided to club Ugh in the head, and before you know it, golf had been discovered. Down through the ages, the game evolved into a sad image of its caveman glory. Angel just found a new box of dog biscuits. I have to go and persuade her to share. Next time I'm channel surfing, I'll skip the golf events unless they are playing caveman style.

Demon Flash Bandit (Golf Critic)

 

Golf Was Invented by CaveMen

February 16th 2008 10:41 am
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I was channel surfing the tv the other day seeing if there was anything worth watching. I want to add a salute to cable tv--50 channels of nothing worth watching. Anyhoo, I happened to stop on a sporting event called golf. At first I was upset because I thought the tv had gone haywire since nothing seemed to be happening. Of course, I left it on that channel so I could check on the tv. It turns out the tv was fine, but golf is boring. I will describe it to you so when you dogs go channel surfing, you won't be worried about your tv the way I was. It is played by people wearing very silly looking clothes. As my faithful entry readers are already aware, all human clotes are silly looking, but these are even sillier than usual--with the possible exception of the polyester leisure suit. Wait a minute, I think the sumo outfits in one of the last episodes of The Office (3rd season) were funnier. Once you get past the outfits, there is the game itself. There is a huge area (which the smart golfers use carts to traverse) with a total of 18 holes. There is a special ball called a golf ball (imaginative isn't it?) that is supposed to be put into each of the 18 holes by hitting it with a club which is carried in a bag filled with clubs because just one club isn't enough. I think that idea was invented by the people who manufacture golf clubs. I can hear them in their corporate office now. How are we going to sell enough clubs to make money? They only need one. I know......we'll say they need a whole bunch of them. The true genius of that is that anyone dumb enough to spend their day and large amounts of money to play would be dumb enough to think they need more than one if the golf "experts" tell them they do. After spending a lot of time in the sun, their brains get kind of fried anyway. Back to the game. The player hits the ball with the club, and once all the holes have been played, the game is over. I will say that it is nice that they worry so much about the less fortunate because they are always talking about handicaps, and I think it is nice that they remember those who have handicaps. Most sports don't seem to care so much about the people who have physical limitations. Another complaint: when they are hitting the ball, everyone in the crowd has to be extremely quiet which seems silly to me since noise should be part of the equation. I think the golfers are a bit spoiled.
I thought of a few suggestions for making the game more interesting, and even worth watching. They should forget the balls, and each golfer could take a club, and see how long it takes for him to club the other players in the head. Sure, it might be a bit more violent, but don't people watch sports to see action? Having a brain sailing through the air would definitely be more exciting than watching a ball sail through the air. Besides, if they are playing golf, my guess is that their brains aren't functioning well anyway. I think that is how the game originated. It probably started with cavemen who already had a wooden club they were carrying around, and one day Org decided to club Ugh in the head, and before you know it, golf had been discovered. Down through the ages, the game evolved into a sad image of its caveman glory. Angel just found a new box of dog biscuits. I have to go and persuade her to share. Next time I'm channel surfing, I'll skip the golf events unless they are playing caveman style.

Demon Flash Bandit (Golf Critic)

 

Jeff's Upset Over Delay in Star Trek Movie Release

February 14th 2008 11:49 am
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I have previously mentioned in other entries that Jeff is a big Star Trek fan. I had to spend almost a week in jail last August while he and Mommy went to a Star Trek Convention in Las Vegas. I don't think I have mentioned how it seems to be worsening. Jeff has a cell phone that shuts like a communicator. It is so sad when I see him shutting it dramatically like Capt Kirk would shut it on Star Trek. He is finished yacking with his friends, and he shuts it like he has just rescued the universe from an attack by the Borgs (I'm the one who rescued the universe which I will cover in a future entry). Anyway, I have watched him, and I think he really needs to get a life. In fact, I have heard him do imitations of Capt Kirk, and I really don't think anyone needs to copy his speech pattern and mannerisms. If that isn't enough, I have heard him listening to a cd done by William Shatner. Unless you have heard William Shatner doing "Tambourine Man", you would not understand how sad it is that Jeff wastes his time listening to it. Hey.......MR........TAM....BOUR....INE..
MAN.....the really sad thing is that Daddy bought this cd too. Who would think that anyone would buy it. It isn't like it is the Howling Huskies or something people would WANT to listen to. If all that isn't bad enough, Jeff spends much of MY valuable computer time checking for all the minute details of the new Star Trek movie which from his announcement last night, has been delayed from its release at Christmas 2008 to summer 2009. Jeff was very upset with Paramount, and said it was run by idiots (I wonder if it is the same group of idiots running the country). From that remark, I know it is being run by humans because dogs are much smarter. I think Paramount should re-consider this release date because if they don't, I'll have to hear Jeff complaining about it for almost a full year. When that happens, I might have to go to CA, and have a personal husky to idiot talk with the person in charge. I won't bite him. I'll just point out that I have "GATOR" teeth. If that isn't enough, I'll have Angel Zoom Smokey with me to give him puppy slaps of justice. I like Star Trek myself, but I"m not going to tell that to the Fster. I like to tease him about it so if any of you dogs reading this run into Jeff, don't tell him that I like it too.

Demon Flash Bandit (Star Trek Fan)

 

It Is Easy to Win a Sword Fight With a Bird

February 13th 2008 8:22 am
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I am just back from rescuing a fair damsel in distress--yes, she was this black dress. That yellow dress made he look fat. No, the damsel in distress was not Angel Zoom Smokey. Angel can take care of herself. I'd hate to see someone try to mess with her and feel her puppy slaps of justice. She is quite the little fighter. Anyway, I was riding a snowmobile past a castle (you don't expect me to walk, do you?), and I happened to run across a damsel in distress (this black dress-we covered that part already), and she was being held by the evil Baron Bird. As you might expect, Baron Bird was evil. Some might argue that it is because he is a bird and it isn't his fault because all birds are evil....BLAH BLAH BLAH........which is exactly my point. He has to die because he is a bird. I got out my sword and I got into a sword fight with Baron Bird. It wasn't that hard to beat him. It is very difficult for a bird to hold a sword in its claw. I killed Baron Bird and freed the Damsel in Dis Dress. Now she has opened her own chain of clothing stores called Damsel Dresses. She stays very busy selling her own designer dresses, and she even has some outlet stores open, but I wouldn't recommend buying there because I don't care how novel the idea was, a dress with 3 sleeves just isn't going to be a hit. I told her to make one with 8 sleeves so she could monopolize the dress sales to insects, but she didn't listen. She had to go with 3. I never said she was an intelligent damsel in dis dress. Anyway, I once again was the hero of the story. She gave me lots of damsel kisses, and I had the day's most important query, "Where is the nearest Burger King?" Killing Baron Bird had made me very hungry. Imagine my desperation when she said Burger King hadn't been invented yet. There was a Baron King, but that served bird burgers. I don't know about you, but I have no desire to eat a bird burger. Is it made out of birdseed? Maybe it is one of those suet cake burgers. I asked her is she had any milkbone, and she gave me a glass of milk with a bone in it. It turns out that I was in an era when milkbone and Burger King hadn't been invented yet. As you can guess, I jumped on the snowmobile and stepped on the gas. The engine revved, and I went so fast, I was back in my own time. I headed to Burger King with a feeling of great satisfaction. It takes going back in time to appreciate the things you have today. Yesterday I covered the man who invented the light bulb, but today I have to give a Demon Flash Bandit salute to the person who invented Burger King. Thank you Mr. Burger King Inventer. You are my hero.

Demon Flash Bandit (Sword Fighter)

 

Thank you Thomas Edison

February 12th 2008 11:00 am
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I was browsing a history book yesterday, and I discovered that humans didn't always have electricity in their homes. Our doggie ancestors couldn't watch tv, or enjoy ice from the freezer. They also didn't have light at night except for candles and kerosene lamps (which were probably a marvelous invention in their day). Anyway, I found out that a man named Thomas Alva Edison invented the light bulb along with a lot of other things. He had a place where he did his work, and it is in a place called Greenfield Village in Dearborn, MI. Edison's whole Menlo Park Compound is there. They actually moved it from New Jersey. I asked Mommy if she would take me there to see it, but she said she doesn't think they allow dogs (unless it is a service dog). They allow children. That makes no sense to me. I like children, but they are usually a bigger pain than us dogs--yet they aren't banned from places. Anyway, Mommy has been there many times, and she said it is very interesting. My brother, William, actually went to school there one day at the one-room schoolhouse. She said it also has Henry Ford's home, and the garage where he made his first car. He had to make the door larger because he got so busy building the car that he didn't think about getting it out until after it was built. That sounds like the kind of silly thing Mommy would do. I would suggest Mommy dress me in clothes so I can sneak in as a human. However, as I've previously mentioned, I really hate clothes so I'm not going to lower myself to that point just to go there. When I am president, we dogs will be able to go to wonderful places like that, and we won't have to pretend to be humans. We can walk in proudly--as dogs. Remember to vote for me.

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Who Appreciates Electricity)

 

Humans Are so Stupid

February 11th 2008 12:29 pm
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Humans live in various types of dwellings. I happen to live in a house. The reason I am bringing this up is that I've been studying various types of dwellings to make sure that my standard of living is what it should be. I think my lifestyle should be lavish--I'm not saying I expect the be on that program, Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous because I prefer my anonymity: but I should be living that lifestyle. During my research, I discovered a house that is called a mansion. Distinquishing between a house and a mansion is not difficult. The mansion is larger, has a lot more amenities, and is a lot nicer than a regular house. That is when I realized that I am not living in a mansion--I am merely living in a house. I was quite upset about this, and I decided to have a long talk with Mommy about the situation. Mommy told me that she isn't rich, and only rich people can afford mansions. This sounds like the same kind of lame excuse she came up with when I asked for a limo instead of a car. I don't know why the humans are so stupid. I told her all she has to do is become rich. She didn't seem to think it was so easy---no wonder so many humans aren't rich. I told her to go to the bank and tell them she wants more money. I've been to the bank with her, and they are nice people. They give Angel and me milkbone, and they give Mommy money. All she has to do is put a larger amount of money on the withdrawal slip. I wonder how humans can survive without us dogs. Despite my brilliant help, she still hasn't gone to the bank and used my advice. I guess I'm going to have to do it myself. I wonder how many millions a handsome dog like me can take out at one time. I'm guessing they probably have a limit of a million or two at the drive-thru, and I don't want to have to go in. Walking in would be too much trouble. I'll let you dogs know how it goes. It might take a couple of weeks to get enough money to buy that mansion. I wonder----would an island be too much trouble to get to and from?,,,,,,,

Mommy went shopping last night and brought home dingo bones. When I buy my mansion, I think I'll have a dingo bone room. I think a room filled with dingo bones would be cool to have.

Demon Flash Bandit (Leaving for the Bank)

 

I Hate Birds---REAL OR FAKE

February 10th 2008 11:13 am
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Have you ever had one of those moments when you thought your world would collapse? I, Demon Flash Bandit had one yesterday. Mommy likes to "design" silk flower arrangements which I'm okay with. It isn't that I really care that much about flowers, I'd rather see them covered with lovely white snow. Anyway, I might prefer snow, but I have no grudge against the flowers. However, can you imagine my shock when Mommy added a bird to an arrangement. Yes a BIRD. I couldn't believe my own Mommy would buy a bird to put with the flowers. I must admit the only good thing was that it was a fake bird, but still anyone who reads my entries knows how much I hate those little evil snow stealing varmints flying around leaving their little "bundles' on everything under them. I know they think the humans will consider it an accident, but they plan their "bombings". They have little maps and schedules in their nests so they will know when and where to drop their little packages. I know there are people out there who will back me up who have had the package dropped on them. Anyway, let's just say someone in the house "accidentally" destroyed the bird. Mommy asked me about it, and I told her that the birds were selling drugged bird seed, and some tough looking birds came in and killed them. Mommy believed me because she has watched enough tv to know that some of the people who deal in drugs get killed by other dealers. Anyway, I hope in the future that she doesn't bother to get anymore fake birds. I know some of you might be thinking, if they are fake, why are you so concerned about them? The reason is because the humans already think birds are cute and they don't want them to die. If there are a bunch of flowers out there surrounded by fake birds, people won't be aware of the dangers the real birds pose. I know the fake birds are made by the real birds for tha purpose. Those birds will stop at nothing to take all the dog's snow, and have the planet die due to global warming. Then they will just fly to another planet where they will annoy the aliens. Remember, if you run across any "fake" birds in your house, they are selling drugged birdseed. That is your excuse for destroying them.

I've got to take a nap now. I'll dream about a birdless world.

Demon Flash Bandit (Fake Bird Hater)

 
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