Adventures of a lead dog

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Werewolves: Major Threat

February 26th 2008 11:16 am
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Angel Zoom Smokey hasn't been writing diary entries much lately so she made up for it yesterday by writing a book. I thought she would never quit hogging the computer. I have to make a couple of comments on her entry. I am pleased that she has decided to become my Vice President. I didn't want to see the dog vote split between the two of us so that a human would take advantage of it and win. She also brought up a very important point about the zombie problem. I have noticed a lot of zombie movies have been made, and yet there is nothing being done about the situation. Angel even pointed out that zombies have been in high govt. positions (she even had the guts to name one--Bob Dole--if he isn't a zombie then I don't know who is). Anyway, I have also wondered why there isn't a homeland security plan in the event we are attacked by werewolves and vampires. Homeland Security doesn't seem to be able to do much of anything so maybe they can redeem themselves with the new threat--okay that was a laugh!!! I know some of you are probably thinking, there aren't any such creatures. I'm sure that is what they want you to believe. However, Daddy's Grandmother came from a place called Transylvania, and they know about these things there. His mother told stories about girls who were abducted from villages by werewolves. No, there is no reason to assume these girls just ran away. THEY WERE ABDUCTED BY WEREWOLVES--you obviously weren't reading the diary entry correctly. Isn't that what most of us assume when people are missing? I think the correct scientific explanation is werewolves. I'm glad you dogs are reading this because the humans never get it. I have some quick tips for you. Do some reasearch on what kills these creatures because Hollywood isn't always accurate. I once saw a movie where Custer was being nice to the Native Americans and he won at the Little Big Horn. I don't think it was historically accurate although Daddy who was in the Cavalry seemed to like that version. Custer was from Monroe, MI, and there is a nice museum in Monroe that has a lot of his memorabilia. Anyway, I would do the research for you, but that would cut into my nap time. and I already have to spend a lot of my nap time campaigning so you are on your own. Besides, research is boring.

Demon Flash Bandit (Homeland Security Alert)

 

Campbell's Kids

February 25th 2008 10:40 am
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Last night was Oscar night, and I didn't even bother to watch them since we dogs never seem to be represented even though we are the most talented actors and actresses ever to grace the screen. The humans just can't stand competition from us, can they? Mommy went to see a movie last night, Vantage Point. I think it had something to do about the point at which a van gets old. I could be wrong, but that is what it sounds like to me. I guess that is useful information because when it gets to that point, I guess you are supposed to buy a new car.
As my loyal readers know, I have many philosophical observations about the humans--both the ones I live with and humans in general. Today I thought I would cover the Campbell's Kids. These are the 3 little kids who have been pushing Campbell's soup since pre-history. They are the adorable little cartoon kids that push the general public to buy the soup. One is carrying a cup of Campbell's soup, one is carrying a bowl and one is carrying a giant spoon which actually looks a little large for the bowl. They have stupid looking hats and they look happy (probably because they have made a fortune selling the soup). Let's not forget that catchy slogan: M'm! M'm! Good! It must have taken an advertising genius to come up with that one. I can just see the meeting. I think we should use, It's DELICIOUS. No, that is too big a word. The kids might have trouble remembering it. How about, M'm M'm---not that isn't enough. M'm M'm Great. No, it just doesn't sound right to me. I've got it M'm M'm Good. Add some excalmation points and we've got our slogan. That was a great day in marketing history. It isn't that I mind the Campbell's kids, but I've seen children eating soup, and the only reason we dogs don't mind is that children tend to be messy eaters so we get to eat more of their food than they do. Now you know the real reason we like children. I also wonder why companies spend millions of dollars to market a 75 cent item. I hope they make their money in volume because otherwise, theyare really making some very bad financial decisions.

Since I"ve been writing about food, it has made me hungry. I'm going to get off the computer and spend a bit of time in the kitchen.

Demon Flash Bandit (Wondering About Marketing)

 

Shoes--Why Do Humans Wear Them?????????

February 24th 2008 9:58 am
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Today my subject for contemplation is shoes. I have 4 paws, and Mommy once got the bright idea of putting some booties on them. Mommy thought me wearing booties would be "so cute". Let's just say that the whole bootie idea was abandoned due to lack of cooperation by Yours Truly. If you let the humans get by with booties, then the next step is a hat, and before you know it, you are wearing a suit, and working in some office somewhere doing a job you hate and not getting paid enough. Silly humans--work is for people, not for dogs. Back to the subject of shoes, humans have so many different kinds of shoes, it is amazing: Hiking shoes, dress shoes, high heels, sandals, slippers, winter boots, cowboy boots, dress boots, work boots, combat boots, aqua shoes, sneakers, tennis shoes, work shoes, othopedic shoes, baby shoes, baby booties, flip flops, etc. Obviously, you get the idea that humans spend most of their life hunting for shoes. There are shoe horns, and shoe trees, shoe museums, shoe polish, and shoe dye, etc. It is enough to make a dog's head hurt. The humans obviously like to wear shoes. If they don't wear shoes, it is called going barefoot which, in case you are worrying, their feet do not turn into bear paws. The humans have a lot of odd quirks in their languages. I'm sure you are wondering, "why the need for any shoes in the first place?" I don't know why they like to wear shoes, but I do know that they waste way too much time on them. That time could be better spent napping or going to BK to get burgers. You may be thinking that by spending so much time with humans, we might start getting silly and want to wear shoes too. Don't worry about it. We are way too smart to ever WANT to wear shoes.

I hope all you dogs are having a wonderful bare paw weekend.

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Who Goes Bare Pawwed)

 

My Tribute to Reagan

February 23rd 2008 10:31 am
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I haven't mentioned anything about my candidacy for President yet so even though this isn't a campaign issue, I wanted to give a Demon Flash Bandit tribute to a very popular president, Ronald Reagan. This is a man who started out in films even being lucky enough to be in a film with a monkey (Bonzo) and ended up in politics. He started out as a Democrat, and became a Republican. I think this could be considered major flip flopping, but no one seemed to notice that switching parties is kind of hypocritical. However, I have a lot of admiration for the man. He knew that naps were a major priority and I can't fault anyone who understands the value of a good nap. I think my naps are vitally important. Most Presidents don't take them seriously enough. Things were wonderful when he was in office. There was the savings and loan scandals and the Iran Contra thing to name a couple. However, Ronnie was a nice guy so whatever happened was okay. He was also a very cool guy who was into Star Wars, and was busily making the U. S. safe from aliens. You just can't trust space people. Some of them have 5 heads and reptilian bodies. I just wanted to give a salute to a man who made it possible for me to sleep soundly knowing that aliens aren't going to abduct me in my sleep. It makes my naps more restful

Demon Flash Bandit (Reagan Admirer)

 

A Continent Will Not Fit In a Cabinet

February 22nd 2008 10:21 am
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Humans have some odd behavior patterns. Have you dogs noticed how some of them actually have china cabinets with china in them. First of all, how can you fit a continent in a cabinet. You'd think the humans would have wondered about that yet they still think they have china in there. The china they are referring to actually involves a set of dishes. The whole idea is humorous to us dogs. They have dinner plates, dessert plates, platters, gravy bowls, serving bowls, etc. All us dogs know that you only need one 2 bowls--one for water and one for eating. The china set doesn't even include the glasses for water. It does have cups and saucers for coffee which is stupid. Why do you need a plate to hold a cup? Anyway, I think the humans just create a lot of extra work for themselves when they use it. A dog can even get by without a bowl. The food can be eaten directly from the bag, can, pan, or whatever it came in. Water is always readily available in the big white watering dish in the bathroom. I loved drinking out of it when I was a puppy, but the humans seem to hate it when you do so I always drink out of my "water cooler" bowl in there. If it happens to run out of water, I let Mommy know it needs more. However, if necessary, we dogs could get our water out of there if there were no humans around to get us more. My point is that we dogs make life a lot simpler than humans do, and we are a lot happier. Humans tend to create work for themselves. It is like they don't know what to do with themselves if they aren't busy doing something unnecessary. Sure, I know some things need to be done, but very much like the china, not everything they do is necessary. I have 2 words for the humans to make their lives easier at dinner time: PAPER PLATES. My Mommy has mastered the whole paper plate idea, and we often get our grilled chicken on them. My BK is served on a lovely paper with BK written all over it.

I do admit I love watching the humans fret over silly things that a dog would never worry about. I know they can't help it. It is part of being human. They should take some lessons from us dogs. The only problem is that we dogs hate the idea of teaching because it sounds a little too much like work. Since it is Friday, most people are getting over their week of work so I hope all you dogs and your people have a nice weekend.

Demon Flash Bandit (Wise Dog)

 

Dogs Should Be Top Priority

February 21st 2008 11:48 am
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I didn't get to write an entry yesterday because Jeff, the computer hog, was on the computer most of the day. I barked at him to get off, but he ignored me. I told you the humans are hard to train. Angel would have given him some puppy slaps of justice, but she said as long as he is on the computer she isn't having to help him with his stand up comedy. He spends way too much time on the computer writing movie scripts. I have read what he writes, and I have to report that you can tell it isn't a dog writing it. Maybe I'll write a book so I can tell Jeff that I'm busy with my book when he tries to use up MY COMPUTER time. I told Mommy that Jeff is probably on FaceBook chatting with other Trekkies about the latest Star Trek movie. I will give the kid credit, he doesn't have a one track mind, he could be chatting about Battlestar Galactica or Star Wars. I might tell you more about his activities later, but it is just too sad to list them in one entry. I don't think they make doggy prozac so I'll stop where I am. Besides, I have other things to write about.

I am very upset with the humans I live with. They go to conventions where they meet celebrities and get their autographed photos. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with doing it, but where is the photo of Demon from Snow Dogs. Yes, they have his photo, but did not meet him and get his paw print. They have the autograped photo of Nichelle Nichols (Uhura of the original Star Trek series). Nichelle also happened to be on one of the greatest movies of all time, Snow Dogs. She gave a talk about how much her role as Uhura had impacted society. when Mommy met her, Mommy told her that Snow Dogs had a bigger impact on her personally since Daddy fell in love with huskies after seeing that movie, and that is how I came to live with my family. She said the dogs thought they were the stars of that movie. Mommy laughed about it. I was apalled at Nichelle's ignorance particularly because she is a very intelligent and talented lady. I do think she enjoyed doing the movie and liked us dogs so I, Demon Flash Bandit, will overlook her attitude because she can't help it that she is human. The movie was called SNOW DOGS--not Dentist from Miami. Cuba Gooding was just someone for the dogs to knock down. He even had problems with the local bears. The dogs were obviously the stars. From the first time, that blue eyed hero, Demon, came on stage, the audience was in love. Who could reisist such a handsome husky? Despite his outstanding performance, he wasn't even nominated for an Oscar for best actor. Johnny Depp should have gotten the Oscar for the first Pirates movie, but he can at least say he was nominated. Demon didn't even get to go to the ceremony. I mean no disrespect to Johhny Depp (Angel thinks he is handsome), but he is not D J Cody. The actor who played Demon is Angel's cousin. I can only add that Angel should act more like her cousin and quit bugging me. She should be spending her time knocking down the local dentist which no one will mind because most sane people hate their dentist anyway. Nana, the border collie was also a very nice dog, and she was even allowed to pull a sled by the end of the movie. It was truly heart-warming to see how much she wanted to be a sled dog.

On the subject of movies, I believe Demon also played the part of Max in Eight Below which shows the versatility of his talent. He went from playing the lead dog to a puppy who was so endearing that you just wanted to rescue him. I felt the humans who left those poor dogs there should have been puppy slapped. They could have put them in the helicopter and left some of the stupid equipment. The dogs were heroes, and yet the "stuff" was more important to the humans in charge. In the first place, who is going to steal it? How many humans hang out in that area. There were a few birds, but birds steal snow--not scientific equipment. They have their standards. Anyway, the man who loved the dogs never gave up, and it wasn't his fault they were left behind. If I were hiim, I would have quit working for those idiots before the dogs were ever in danger. I am mentioning this because so many humans have their priorities all messed up. Their dogs and family should come first, but they put their career first, and then they wonder why they are depressed and lonely. You don't see a dog fretting over a job. We are too smart for that.

I don't want to leave out other dog breeds. I really loved Underdog, Firehouse Dog, and I really loved both Shasta (the husky), and the 5 golden retreivers in Snow Buddies. Those were 6 adorable puppies. It was such an inspiring story that it should get an Oscar for Best Picture. I'm sure the humans won't choose it. I think they know the movies starring dogs are better than the ones starring humans and it scares the tails off the humans. I can prove it because if you look at humans, they have no tails. You know their tails were scared off because we dogs are so much smarter and more talented.

I hope you dogs will enjoy a dog movie sometime this week, and, when you watch movies starring humans, try not to be too critical. They can't help it that they aren't as enjoyable as the ones with us dogs. The humans do try, and they are so cute when they try.

Demon Flash Bandit (Lover of Dog Movies)

 

Dog Toys--Not Books

February 19th 2008 12:07 pm
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Why do humans have totally uninteresting books laying around which they never bother to read? Is it to make people who visit think they are intelligent (yeah, right). There are books all over the place here. I had to tell Mommy the other day that this is not a library. I think that the place would look a lot better if she dumped the books and brought in something more valuable to fill the space---dog toys. Sure, Mommy does read, but I know she isn't going to get around to reading all these books, and I happen to know that there are books written in ancient Greek in the basement, and they are still there because they were Robby's books, and Robby could read them. I live with these people, and believe me, they are idiots. Sure, Robby was an exception. He took Greek because Latin was full. Mommy can barely speak English. I have been helping her because, as all of us dogs know, most of our owners don't have enough common sense to come in out of the rain. In fact, they create rain in the bathrooms in a thing called a shower. You won't catch many dogs volunteering to get wet. We usually hate water--with the exception of a few of the breeds who were bred to retrieve things out of the water, and since that is dead birds, they have my admiration. I would get wet to get rid of an evil bird. I also don't mind getting wet if there is rain or snow as long as I can go outside and enjoy it, but the fun is being outside--not being wet. Anyway, I do think that books are basically useless. Another book that really annoys me is the How to Train a Husky book. It should be How to Train a Human. Humans are very hard to train. They are stupid and stubborn and happen to mistakenly think that they are in charge. I know my humans are stupid, but I love them anyway. Maybe one day I'll get them trained to do what I say, but I'll keep them even if I don't. I do love them.

Demon Flash Bandit (Book Critic)

 

Why are Clocks Important?

February 18th 2008 10:15 am
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Humans seem to have to have something to do every minute. While we dogs can lay down and do absolutely nothing--and we never feel the slightest bit of guilt about it, the humans feel guilty over everything. They came up with the term, wasting time. How can you waste time, and what is their odd obcession with the concept of time? They aren't just happy owning clocks which tend to be everywhere. they have to have one on their wrist too. Their cell phones tell them the time. I"ve never heard a dog say, I meant to get some work done, but I fell asleep, and didn't get it done. A dog would say. WOOF HOWL HOWL WOOF WOOF which translated means: "Great, I enjoyed that nap. I think I'll look for a morsel of food and then go back to sleep." Dreamland is a lot more fun than reality anyway--you'd think even the humans would know that. Still they continue their odd relationship with time. It seems they always need to be somewhere or they need to be doing something. If a dog wanted to take over the world, all he would have to do is mess with the clocks. I will write more tomorrow. I've got to go re-set some clocks.......

Demon Flash Bandit (Clock Adjuster)

 

New CD by Howling Huskies

February 17th 2008 11:38 am
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Hello from the spare bedroom which has been turned into a computer room. I am hiding from the evil and very annoying Angel Zoom Smokey. I stayed in here all day yesterday, and I got some much needed rest without being woke up by Angel Zoom Smokey every 5 minutes. That puppy wants to play every minute she is awake--and she is awake a lot. I told her that puppies are supposed to sleep a lot and she said she isn't tired.

The Howling Huskies have just finished a new cd with such highly anticipated songs such as: I Want to Hold Your Paw, Sweet Home Alaska, Can't Find my Way To the Sled Race, I Just Want to Sled Race, Nowadays, Birds are Stealing Snow, Once I Was a Husky, and many more delightful hits sure to please even the most discriminating music lover. We will really be howling out on these songs. Watch for our latest cd at you local store. It will be titled, Huskies Howling for You. IF you can't find it in your local store, call our number, DOG-HOW-LING. If no one at that number knows anything about the cd, don't give up, you have probably just dialed the wrong number. Try our e-mail: Music@Howling Huskies.com or visit our Howling Husky web-site--www.howlinghuskies.com. This is truly a must have item and will sell out faster than a beanie baby filled with peas. I don't mind winning a grammy, but I am not I repeat NOT going to wear a suit to the awards ceremony.

I've got to go and write some new music. Have a wonderful weekend.

Demon Flash Bandit (Member of the Howling Huskies)

 

Golf Was Invented by CaveMen

February 16th 2008 10:41 am
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I was channel surfing the tv the other day seeing if there was anything worth watching. I want to add a salute to cable tv--50 channels of nothing worth watching. Anyhoo, I happened to stop on a sporting event called golf. At first I was upset because I thought the tv had gone haywire since nothing seemed to be happening. Of course, I left it on that channel so I could check on the tv. It turns out the tv was fine, but golf is boring. I will describe it to you so when you dogs go channel surfing, you won't be worried about your tv the way I was. It is played by people wearing very silly looking clothes. As my faithful entry readers are already aware, all human clotes are silly looking, but these are even sillier than usual--with the possible exception of the polyester leisure suit. Wait a minute, I think the sumo outfits in one of the last episodes of The Office (3rd season) were funnier. Once you get past the outfits, there is the game itself. There is a huge area (which the smart golfers use carts to traverse) with a total of 18 holes. There is a special ball called a golf ball (imaginative isn't it?) that is supposed to be put into each of the 18 holes by hitting it with a club which is carried in a bag filled with clubs because just one club isn't enough. I think that idea was invented by the people who manufacture golf clubs. I can hear them in their corporate office now. How are we going to sell enough clubs to make money? They only need one. I know......we'll say they need a whole bunch of them. The true genius of that is that anyone dumb enough to spend their day and large amounts of money to play would be dumb enough to think they need more than one if the golf "experts" tell them they do. After spending a lot of time in the sun, their brains get kind of fried anyway. Back to the game. The player hits the ball with the club, and once all the holes have been played, the game is over. I will say that it is nice that they worry so much about the less fortunate because they are always talking about handicaps, and I think it is nice that they remember those who have handicaps. Most sports don't seem to care so much about the people who have physical limitations. Another complaint: when they are hitting the ball, everyone in the crowd has to be extremely quiet which seems silly to me since noise should be part of the equation. I think the golfers are a bit spoiled.
I thought of a few suggestions for making the game more interesting, and even worth watching. They should forget the balls, and each golfer could take a club, and see how long it takes for him to club the other players in the head. Sure, it might be a bit more violent, but don't people watch sports to see action? Having a brain sailing through the air would definitely be more exciting than watching a ball sail through the air. Besides, if they are playing golf, my guess is that their brains aren't functioning well anyway. I think that is how the game originated. It probably started with cavemen who already had a wooden club they were carrying around, and one day Org decided to club Ugh in the head, and before you know it, golf had been discovered. Down through the ages, the game evolved into a sad image of its caveman glory. Angel just found a new box of dog biscuits. I have to go and persuade her to share. Next time I'm channel surfing, I'll skip the golf events unless they are playing caveman style.

Demon Flash Bandit (Golf Critic)

 
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