August 15th 2007 2:09 pm
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I am so happy to be out of the "big house". Yes, being home with my family is great. The people at the kennel were nice, and I know they were trying, but it is still jail. Angel will probably be in again. I'm not saying she is always drunk, but I suspect that even when she is sober, she could be considered DUI---Driving Utterly Idiotic. I don't know how many times I've told her that I'm the only dog in this family who can drive. Even if she were a good driver, she is too young. I know she shouldn't drive because I've seen her---she is far too busy staring at her reflection in the rear view mirror to pay attention to the road. Of course, she also has to chat on her cell phone. I only get on the phone when Mommy is gone, and I'm trying to call her--and I'm not driving.
I read Angel's diary, and I do feel that I need to clear up one item. Yes, I didn't enjoy the Kennel (which is why the Cruel was spelled with a K for Kennel in yesterday's title). However, I wasn't given a bath. Why was Angel given a bath? Were they trying to embarrass and humiliate her? The answer is NO. Angel pooped in her kennel, and got it on her paws. It was her big escape attempt. She told me that she was going to poop, and get it on her paws, and then they would be so disgusted that they would let her go. I tried to talk her out of it, but Angel is stubborn. Instead of being totally disgusted and giving her freedom, they gave her a bath. I thought it was funny. Maybe next time she will listen to me.
I hope all of you dogs out there have families who take you with them when they go on vacation. I'd enjoy a nice trip to Alaska.
Demon Flash Bandit (Telling the Truth and Nothing but the Truth)
August 14th 2007 3:00 pm
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Hello all you dogs out there. A few of you might be wondering why I haven't been writing my diary. I didn't write because I, Demon Flash Bandit, presidential candidate and overall perfect dog, was put in a KENNEL. Can you believe it? I know I found it hard to believe. Angel was put in the same kennel. I always go on family vacations with Mommy, but the F (I guess the F now stands for FINK) wanted to go to some silly Star Trek Convention in Las Vegas, Nevada. Mommy says it is hot there and we wouldn't like it. Besides they flew on an airplane, and Mommy doesn't want me to fly in the cargo area. Anyway, the solution was to put Angel and me in virtual jail. She even paid people to keep us there. The kennel gave us a good report card, but I didn't like being there. I missed Mommy and F (the FINK). I also am sad to report----THE KENNEL WAS FEEDING US DOG FOOD---YES, YOU READ CORRECTLY-----DOG FOOD. I couldn't believe it either. Mommy is paying them to feed us dog food? Next time I want to stay at a kennel with a restaurant, and Angel says it should be an all you can eat buffet. Angel does enjoy her food. Mommy took us to Burger King this morning, and I've been sleeping all day with a hamburger wrapper. I'll get back to my usual rantings in a day or two, but this kennel thing has upset me terribly.
Demon Flash Bandit (Incarcerated but Innocent)
August 8th 2007 1:33 am
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I had to visit the vet for shots today. Angel had to get the last of hers also. The vet visit wasn't fun, but they seldom are. The vet also looked at Angel's paw and said it is healing nicely, and the claw is growing back. We got to go for a ride afterward, and I enjoyed the ride.
It is still miserably hot here. We even got some rain, and it is still HOT. It would be nice if it would cool off a little.
Angel has a point about ice cream. It is nice and cold on a hot day. Maybe we should lay in it instead of eating it.
This has been a dull day so there isn't much more to write about. I hope all you doggies out there have a good week.
Demon Flash Bandit (Dog who doesn't enjoy vet visits)
August 7th 2007 10:50 am
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Once again it is time for my diary entry. Today I write with a heavy heart. I have had to endure the embarrassment of living in the same house with Angel who was arrested because she was a doggie under the influence. I'm still not sure what the influence was, but I guess it must have been important for the state police to arrest her. She says she is innocent, and that she is being picked on. She said something about species profiling which bascially means they are out to get us dogs. Coincidentally, I have never been in trouble. I think she is guilty, and is trying to sound good for Mommy. She did have a "bandage" around her paw. Bandage or thether? I think it was a thether. For some odd reason, she hasn't been taking off as much, and once when she did, her fur had kind of an Einstein thing going on.
Back to the important person in this house---ME. I am okay. I've been eating good, chewing rawhides. etc, Okay, I have to admit it. life around here gets very boring sometimes. I guess I don't have a lot to say. I hope all of you doggies out there are staying cool.
Demon Flash Bandit (Angel's Worst Nightmare---I Hope)
August 6th 2007 8:20 am
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There's no need to fear
Underdog is here
Yes, Mommy went to see Underdog last night, and said it was a delightful movie. It is the story of a beagle who gets superpowers and becomes a super hero. It is about time they made a movie like this. I get tired of all the human super heroes. Having a dog superhero is far more believeable. Of course, I didn't get to see it because I'm not allowed in threatres. Mommy and Jeff said it was an excellent movie, and I trust their opinions. Jeff did say they should have had more dogs and less humans. Although I haven't seen it, it sounds like Jeff made a good point.
Did any of you dogs out there read Angel's dairy entry yesterday? If you did, you can understand what a pain she is to live with. I try so hard to get along and make her feel good. I even told her that she is pretty. I think you can see why she would make a bad president (VOTE FOR ME). Can you imagine the state of the world if you had a leader that would try to start a fight over every little insult received. We would end up in a war over something that doesn't make any sense. Angel wouldn't care because she would be sitting on her tail enjoying the good life. It is very important that you remember to VOTE FOR DEMON FLASH BANDIT FOR PRESIDENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Unlike Angel, I would concentrate on the real issues--killing birds, ridding the world of bugs, forcing Hollywood to make more dog movies, and LETTING DOGS GO ANYWHERE THEY WANT TO GO. This silly ban on dogs has got to stop.
If you want to live in the past, vote for the dog with the puple polka dot cast.
VOTE DEMON FLASH BANDIT NOT ANGEL ZOOM SMOKEY FOR PRESIDENT
Demon Flash Bandit--Making the world better for dogs--one dog at a time.
Demon Flash Bandit (Presidential Candidate)
August 5th 2007 9:35 am
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I didn't get to write a diary entry yesterday. Mommy was tired from taking Angel to the emergency vet hospital, and then she was busy with some silly human stuff. Have any of you dogs out there ever noticed how "important" the humans think the things they are doing are? I've watched what they do, and believe me, it isn't important at all. I haven't seen them out killing birds or even swatting bugs. You'd think they would learn what is important in life. I do understand the importance of eating and taking a good nap, but the rest of the stuff they do is silly.
Now, back to the "Angel is an idiot" story. Angel managed to pull a claw out of her front paw and she was bleeding all over the place. The Fster saw the blood and got Mommy and they both got upset and rushed Angel to the vet, and the vet fixed her, and put a purple polka dotted bandage on her leg. Yes, that did make me laugh. It was cute, but she looked so silly wearing a purple bandage on her paw. I'm sure she must have asked for it. You know how girls are. She even allows Mommy to let her wear clothes. I personally think her new shirt that says "brother for rent" is disgusting. I don't wear a shirt that says "check e-bay for sister sale". I'm not going to sink to the level of wearing a shirt just to annoy Angel. Anyway, back to her injury. Angel is an idiot. I believe I've mentioned that in past entries. The puppy loves to jump, and when she is walking, she prefers to walk on top of stuff. I never did that as a puppy. The other day she fell off the bed 3 times because she wasn't paying attention to where she was sitting, and she sat on the edge, and PLOP, she was on the floor. I think she has found a bar somewhere because she acts like she is drunk. I have smelled her breath, and I didn't smell alcohol. A breath mint wouldn't hurt her. HAHAHA Anyway, she is okay, and I do like her so I'm glad she wasn't hurt seriously. Mommy hopes maybe this will keep her from some of her wild aerobics because Mommy has been concerned that she might hurt herself. We huskies are very stubborn when it comes to changing our behavior so Mommy doesn't know how to stop her from doing some of these things. She is amazingly graceful when she jumps through the air. Then she falls off the bed when she sits. Do any of you other dogs think that is funny? I know I do.
I also want to cover the "Indiana Jones hat" incident that happened yesterday. Mommy ate at Cracker Barrel the other day, and bought Jeff an Indiana Jones hat. Yes, fellow dogs, now I have to put up with the Fster wearing his hat asking me if he looks like Indiana Jones. I don't even know who Indiana Jones is. He said is was a movie series, and I asked why I haven't been able to see a Snow Dogs 2. He said Disney was planning to make one, but hasn't. Back to the silly Fster story. Angel loves that hat. Yesterday she went into his room and climbed up on his furniture and got it. She tries to wear it, but her head is too small for it. She didn't hurt it, but Jeff found it in another room, and it was a bit wet from being carried in her mouth. I told her that I may not have watched the movies, but Indiana Jones is a man--not a woman. She went into her "women can do anything men can do" speech. I then asked her that if women can do everything a man can do, how about shutting her yap. I have no idea why she is mad at me. We guys can't catch a break. We say the least little thing and the girls get offended. She gained some weight and so she asked me if her butt looked fat. I told her that it didn't look any fatter than the rest of her. She gets mad over nothing. I know all you dogs out there (particularly the male ones) know what I mean. You try your best to be a gentleman, and they don't appreciate your efforts. Now Angel is in here wanting on the computer. She probably wants to tell her side of the story which, if she told the truth would be, "I tried to steal Jeff's hat, I'm getting fat, and I've annoying the Deemster." If she writes anything other than that, she is lying. I'll let her get on the computer because, to be honest, I'm a little scared of her. I hope all you dogs are having a good weekend.
Demon Flash Bandit (MALE DOG)
August 3rd 2007 7:36 am
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I think it is time I fully covered the subject of bugs-that includes, fleas, mosquitoes, bees, etc. I don't like them so I'm "against" them. They fly around making stupid buzzing noises which are very irritating. Some of them even manage to get into the house. I hate them as much--no maybe more than birds. I'm tired of having to walk around with a can of bug spray in my paw. I know some idiot out there will say they are part of the ecosystem(whatever that is), but I say it is time to completely annihilate them. Maybe the honeybees can live, but they have to live in their own designated area which will be assigned to them. At least they will be out of everyone's way. I cannot stress how utterly useless bugs are. Have you seen the ones that crawl around and can't fly. They look like Mother Nature's mistakes. Either they have 8 or 10 legs or they have half a million eyes. Some of them have both. Those should be killed immediately. They are as evil, if not more so, than birds. I also hate snakes, and I wouldn't mind seeing them dead either. That is another advantage to snow. It is not only great so sledding, but bugs hate it so you don't have to put up with them. I hope all you doggies out thre haev a wonderful day.
Demon Flash Bandit (Bug Hater)
August 2nd 2007 12:13 pm
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For those of you who actually read Angel Zoom Smokey's diary entries. She decided to go on a search for the Ark of the Covenant, and she wanted me to be her sidekick. I like Angel, but I am the lead dog----NOT A SIDEKICK. I honestly don't know what that dog is thinking about at times. I do agree with her breaking news story on birds. You have to kill them. Taking them prisoner is just silly.
I have been very busy being a dog. I have been eating, napping, dreaming, and giving Angel my "you are an idiot" looks which are so precious. I know they are because I've watched myself in the mirror, and I'm adorable when I give her those looks. The main reason she is getting my "you are an idiot look" today is that she dug up the Ark of the Covenant. The Ark of the Covenant she found is action figure size, and she thinks it is the real Ark of the Covenant. It is about 2 inches wide and maybe an inch high. My brother who passed on had all the Indiana Jones toys so I buried the Ark where she would find it. I thought it would be hilarious to watch her face when she found it. How did I know she wouldn't realize it was too small to be the real one and know it was a joke? Now I don't have the heart to tell her, and it is so lousy because it is so funny, and I can't laugh when she tells me about her archealogical find. I even told her that the real ark would kill you if you touched it, and her answer is that those rules don't apply to dogs because God loves dogs and wouldn't want to hurt us. Now I kind of wish I had told her the truth from the beginning because I had no idea she would call in the University of Michigan history department, and the local news channels. I told you she was a drama queen so she always goes a bit overboard. I have no idea how the ark got there. That is my story and I'm sticking to it. I bet they are going to think Angel is an idiot which gives me another chance to use my "Angel is an idiot look". Life is good.
Demon Flash Bandit (Archealogical Helper HAHAHA)
August 1st 2007 10:25 am
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Mommy came home last night after seeing No Reservations, and she stopped and got Firehouse Dog. I was looking forward to seeing it, but then the F-ster went into her room and put Mystery Science Theatre in the dvd to some awful movie called Hobgoblins which seemed to be a low budget rip-off of Gremlins. It could have been a good movie if it had actually had a story, some good actors, and a budget. Angel was watching it so Mommy couldn't tell the F-ster to take it out. Angel said whe was wondering how such a bad movie could have actually been released. She said she has left more entertaining poop. I have seen Angel's poop, and it is more entertaining. I must take this opportunity to say that I do not poop. The poop left behind before Angel came here was from the Phantom Dog. He looks a lot like me, but it isn't me because, as I said, I don't poop. When I was little, I used to look for things to put over poop because I didn't like to look at it. I'd find bags, newspapers, etc. One day Daddy stepped in some poop I had covered with a paper towel I found. He had a sore on his foot, and he was yelling I got poop in my wound. Mommy and the F-ster were cracking up because it sounded like the episode of Family Guy where Peter Griffin was yelling, It's in my raccoon wounds when he got covered in poop. That was one funny episode. No, his wound healed just fine. The poop didn't hurt it at all. I had to have a talk with the Phantom Puppy about not pooping in the bedroom where Daddy would step down. Eventually, the Phantom Puppy got house-trained, and all has been okay since then.
I am such a talented writer. I started out talking about movies, and ended up talking about poop. How many other writers can do that (no, Larry the Cable Guy doesn't count because that is one of his main topics of conversation).
Anyway, I plan to see Firehouse Dog tonight. Mommy says it is a good movie, and it has to be infinitely better than Hobgoblins.
Demon Flash Bandit (Friend of the Phantom Dog)
July 31st 2007 10:15 am
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Today I am going to discuss movies. This is because the movie that I've been waiting to see, Firehouse Dog, is out on dvd today. I wanted to see it with Mommy when it came out, but the theatre won't allow dogs. This is an issue I plan to deal with when I become president so all you doggies better remember to vote for me. I haven't heard one other candidate address this particular issue. Angel probably could, but she is too busy rattling on about Kung Fu Grip Angel action figures. I admit the idea is funny, but hardly a presidential issue. By the way, Angel does possess Kung Fu grip. I've seen her put her front paws around the humans when she kisses them, and you'd think she had super glue on her paws. They can't get her off. She is still a puppy. I don't think she realizes that the humans do have to breath because they like her puppy kisses. She just gets a little overly enthusiastic with the puppy kisses at times. Another movie called 300 is also out. I told Mommy that they should have combined the movies, and made it 300 Firehouse Dogs. Wouldn't that be a great movie? Move over 101 Dalmatians. You have been outdone by 300 Firehouse Dogs. By coincidence, aren't Dalmations usually "firehouse" dogs? Have you been replaced by a new breed? I haven't heard anyone speak for the Dalmatians so I guess they are okay with the movie.
Now for the bad news. Mommy saw the Simpsons last night. Yes, according to Mommy and the F-ster, it was a good movie. However, I saw the trailer. Again, I am not allowed in the theatre, and I did not like the part where Homer was whipping the huskies. Of course, on the good side, the huskies ended up attacking Homer and running away. There were no animals actually hurt in the filming the the movie which was clearly pointed out in the credits. I know that might have seemed odd since the scene with the huskies would have clearly been a mis-treatment of dogs, but it was animated. For you doggies who aren't familiar with animation-it means the dogs aren't real. They are drawings. I want to make it clear that you should never treat real huskies or any other dog like that. I have many comments to make about the horrible people who mis-treat dogs, but I'll save them for another day.
Demon Flash Bandit (Dog who isn't allowed in Theatres)
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