Orlando, Alaska--Would I make up a town just to go to- Alaska?

These entries are such a good opportunity for talking about things that bug me--and I don't mean little insects although they do "bug" me. It is July outside. It is hot and humid and generally miserable. What do the stupid humans say to each other? "What a lovely day". Lovely day---are they insane? I have experienced days in January with snow on the ground, the water icing over, and more snow coming down. What do the humans say then? "It is snowing again, is it ever going to stop. I hate this weather" (at least that is what I hear Mommy saying). I LOVE snow. I LOVE cold. I LOVE ice. All of these are good things. If you don't believe me, ask any sled dog and they will back me up on this. I know you humans can't do anything about the weather (if you could, you would probably create a "spring day" year round). This is why I want my fellow dogs (particularly huskies who really love winter) to make some kind of device to keep our lovely snow here all year. We also need to kill all the birds so they will quit stealing it. I've got to go now, and find a spot next to an air vent. Summer is an awful time of year. Why don't I live in Alaska. Mommy, I hear Alaska is tropical. Yes, trust me, I saw photos---palm trees, tropical plants alligators, etc. I'm sure it was Alaska. It was in Orlando, Alaska. I think we should move there immediately so you can experience this lovely weather year round. Have I ever been wrong? Did you have to bring up that incident? Sorry dogs, I have to go. I need to win this argument with Mommy.
Demon Flash Bandit (Geographer)

Why buy bad movies?

I hate to hurt my brother's feelings, but Angel has been studying his behavior, and we are both very worried. Angel actually pays attention to what he does--partially because she likes to lay on his bed. We understand why he buys toys. Who doesn't? It is he pre-occupation with movies that astound us. We understand a good movie like Eight Below, but he buys bad movies. Yes, you read correctly. HE PAYS GOOD MONEY TO BUY BAD MOVIES THAT HE KNOWS AHEAD OF TIME ARE AWFUL!!! They are some of the worst movies ever made. It is called Mystery Science Theatre, and there is a guy and a couple of home-made robots making fun of a really bad movie. Angel and I have no explanation for his odd behavior except to say that he must be stupid. Angel even overheard something about building his own Mystery Science Theatre robot. I think the kid needs to get a life. Angel concurs. Angel and I are planning to build something meaningful and worthwhile. Angel wants ot leave a memorial to her last meal in the hall. I think it is a bad idea. The humans don't seem to appreciate when you do that, but it makes about as much sense as Jeff's entertainment choices. I'd better try to stop Angel before she leaves her "memorial".
Demon Flash Bandit (Sane Dog)

You can order cool things on the net

Angel's finally covered something of importance in her entry yesterday. The humas do hog the computer, and I think I know why. They don't want us dogs to have a lot of computer time because they know we would be ordering stuff on the internet. Personally, I would like a poster of the Underdog movie to hang in my room. I would also like to order some steaks, maybe some squeaky toys and rawhide bones. Hey, I'm on the computer now which means I am wasting time writing this when I could be ordering cool stuff. I have to make this one short. Hey Mommy, where is that little plastic card you keep in your purse---the one with a bunch of numbers on it? Why do I need it? I just like to look at plastic stuff. All you dogs out there: get the plastic, get on the computer, order cool stuffl
Demon Flash Bandit (Shopping Dog)

Lawns are stupid

It is time for my diary update which means I am awake. I didn't say I'm happy about being awake. Humans should realize that the dream world is better than the awake world. Dog food doesn't even exist in dreamland---only candy and human food---and you can eat all you want.
Today I will discuss the lawn. I can see its use because I like to eat grass. Of course, it is another fun thing Mommy won't let me do. (No, she hasn't sprayed any chemicals on it---that would require her to actually acknowledge its existence.) Sadly, most humans don't share her attitude. Humans set aside large amounts of land for lawns. They spend countless hours (and money) to keep it looking green and lush. Then after they get it to grow, the humans spend more time and money cutting it down. It does make you wonder about the humans, doesn't it? That is money that could be better spent buying their pets human food instead of dog food. They even have "food" for the lawn. I bet the lawn would prefer human food also. Their food looks like it would be really lousy. Anyway, after all that effort, they have what they consider a "beautiful lawn" if they are lucky. Some of them still have "problems" that require more time, work, and money. If they would let their dogs do the landscaping, there would be lots of lovely holes which would require no attention at all. I know you humans are thinking, I don't want a bunch of holes in front and back of my house. For you silly people, I have 2 words--Grand Canyon. My friend Savannah Blue Belle dug that little hole and look how many people go see it. Do human yards of grass get millions of tourists coming to look at them? The answer, as you humans already know is. NO THEY DO NOT. My other friend, Myf is busy digging holes in Australia. Keep up the good work, Myf. Let me know when you are done. It may take a few months to dig one as big as the Grand Canyon so don't get discouraged. By the way, have you humans noticed how the birds steal your grass seed? They are so evil.
This is why I'm running for President. We dogs are far more practical than you humans yet you have been in charge. Does that make sense? The answer is no it dosn't. I have to answer it because you humans who are reading this would inevitably get the answer wrong.
Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Bulldozer)

Birds cause global warming

Yesterday started as a win-win day for me. Angel got shots, and I got treats also. However, judging from Angel's grouchiness the rest of the day, she could have skipped the shots as far as I'm concerned. She barked at me for no reason, she nipped at me, and Mommy told her she was being a little pain. Yes, Mommy who hardly ever says anything to Angel, told her that her name didn't fit her at all. It would have been funny, but I have to live with her grouchiness. Mommy says maybe the shots made her feel bad, and probably caused her to be grouchy. I hope she is in a better mood today.
I should cover a few more campaign issues. A lot of you have expressed concern about global warming. The other camp thinks there is no global warming at all. I hate to inform you people, but---one group will be right and the other wrong. Global warming sounds good to some people (like my snow, winter hating Mommy). They think it means that the whole world will become California. The more serious issue here is: is it real? Judging from the past week or two in Michigan, I will go along with the yes, it is group because it has been hot, and I haven't been happy. Now that we have established the validity of the concern, we need to find out what is actually causing it. I've announced my findings in previous entries. THE BIRDS CAUSE GLOBAL WARMING!!!!!!! They steal snow, and then it gets hot---GLOBAL WARMING. I hope you people will stand with me when I decree: ALL BIRDS MUST DIE.
I'm glad Angel Zoom Smokey has friends with "muscle". We can use all the help we can get. Enjoy your weekend.
Demon Flash Bandit (The Best Dog for President)

My Opinions

Mommy just got back from the vet. I didn't get to go even though I would have liked visiting with all the other dogs. It was actually a win-win situation for me. Angel got a shot while I was at home enjoying a bone. Mommy then took her to the pet store, and of course, I get treats too. I love the mint flavored twisty allergy free things she got. I've been chewing on a bubble gum flavor rawhide which is my favorite. I love the taste of bubblegum. I got a few pieces when I was a puppy before Mommy realized that I would get into it, and moved it out of my reach. FOILED AGAIN BY MOMMY
Have any of you dogs made your humans try your dog food? I hope so. I love all the "health food" issues. "Dogs should eat dog food because it is good for them." Okay Mr. Human. Put down the twinkie and tell me its nutritional value. " None----than why are you eating it? It tastes good. Does that matter. It isn't heathy." I'm sure there are a couple of humans who eat only healthy food, but I suspect that the "healthy food" is in the dog food bag because the humans don't like it. As President, I would make it a crime to feed dogs food that tastes bad. "Yes, you get 20 to life in prison. Why? You fed your dog really awful tasting food. How do we know? Your dog turned you in. I guess that little walk you made him take wasn't fun."
That brings me to my next issue. What idiot human came up with the whole idea of exercise. It is work that accomplishes nothing. Why? I've got to agree with Garfield the Cat on the whole issue of exercise. Look at the silly humans who do it. For example, you see a bunch of people running a marathon. My first thought is, "Look at those poor people--they can't afford a car (or even a bike)." I've seen that kind of behavior before--it is from hamsters who are running uselessly on a wheel. THEY ARE IN A CAGE!!!!! They probably are frustrated and trying to get out. Why do the humans do it? It is fun. It makes them feel good. They want to win a competition. If you want a competition, try out sleeping the next person. A hot dog eating contest makes more sense. Find one of them or maybe a watermelon eating contest. That is a contest that makes sense. You get to eat as much as you want---and you get a prize for it. No one saying you shouldn't eat so much. Everyone is encouraging you to eat more. It is like a little piece of heaven here on Earth.
I'll cover more issues in the future. Be sure and join my group, Demon Flash Bandit for President. I am watching out for all animals---except birds.

Demon Flash Bandit (Eat don't Excercise)

Wal-Mart and I'm bored

I mentioned Wal-Mart in my last diary entry, and I do want to say that I like hanging out in the Wal-Mart parking lot. People come and pet me and tell me I'm pretty. It is a great store. They can keep their dog food, but I feel that way about all dog food. Actually, I prefer to sit outside Meijer. The people who shop there take the time to pet a dog. Meijer isn't in all states, but I think if Mommy moves elsewhere, they should build one down the street from her because she prefers to shop there just like I prefer their parking lot. Mommy likes getting a good price, but sometimes Wal-Mart sacrifices quality to get it, and sometimes that is actually more expensive in the long run. She has nothing against Wal-Mart. She leaves that for the employees. HAHAHA Daddy and Mommy used to take turns going into the stores so I could enjoy sitting in the parking lots.
Angel has a point in her diary yesterday. Things are boring here. I guess that is a good thing--but still boring.
Don't forget to join my Demon For President group, and vote for me.

Demon Flash Bandit (Bored dog)

Would humans eat the food they feed their dogs?

I will start my entry today with good news. My neighbors are back, and the birds did not buy their house. They strutted proudly around the yard like they were the home-owners; but, as I've covered in past entries, they are bird brains.
Savannah Blue Belle will be touring the Grand Canyon. She has been so kind to let other dogs know about my election campaign. I would put on a cowboy hat for a photo in honor of you dogs out west, but I HATE hats. I think I've mentioned the Davy Crockett hat Mommy bought me that she thought was so cute. YEAH Mommy, I want to walk around in the twenty-first century wearing a Davy Crockett hat. Daddy bought one for himself, and I won't even tell you how silly he looked in it. It made me laugh, and I'm an dog. I don't even think I can get Jeff to wear it, and the F-ster wears a lot of silly looking stuff. I'm not saying it isn't a cute hat, but it just isn't in style anymore.
I want to bring up another campaign issues. Why can't dogs go to restaurants? Don't we eat too? I am tired of all the discrimination against us dogs. We can sit at a table and enjoy a nice dinner just like you humans. I have seen some of you eat, and some of you have table manners so bad that dogs would be far neater while eating. I also think that humans should be required to eat dog food at least once so they can see for themselves how good it tastes. I bet the companies that make it would be out of business pronto if humans had to eat it. The humans who don't feed dog food to their dogs would be exempt from having to taste it. Just imagine the scenerio-- Yes, Mister Human, this food is delicious. It is the best dog food Wal-Mart carries in their brand. No, I'm not a cheap **##**. I believe in only buying my humans the best food the store carries. Yes, Wal-Mart is known for being a high price boutique type store. What? It doesn't taste that good. You must be having problems with your taste buds. This is good food. Am I willing to eat it? No, I'm a dog. We don't eat that food. Think about it humans===would you eat the stuff some of you try to feed us. I didn't think so. Say your prayers (if you want to be thankful that there isn't a store that carries even cheaper food than Wal-Mart). I'm your worst nightmare-a DOG running things. (Hey, that was a very funny line from 48 Hours--with a slight change). I'll cover more issues in future entries.
Demon Flash Bandit (Human's Who use Cheap Dog Food's Worst Nightmare)

Bugs are un-feathered birds

Yesterday I received a political question from Mr Chuggs. Mr. Chuggs is a very nice cat who asked me my position on bugs-Japanese beetles in particular. I answered the question by paw-mail, but decided to cover it in my diary so all can see my stand. I'm against all bugs. They are basically little un-feathered birds who, as I see it, are advance scouts for the birds. Yeah, Tweety, we have an empty house over here that you can take over. I hate bugs. I bite as many as I can, and I've killed a couple with my paws. Unlike birds, humans won't mind if you kill bugs, Most humans have the good sense to hate them as much as I do. I had several possible solutions. 1. Go to the people who brought them here, and make them clean them up (this is for Japanese beetles in particular) 2. Have a terminator bug infiltrate their lairs, and kill them all. 3. My personal favorite) is to go back in time on the time machine (yes, there is one---see Angel's diary entry for yesterday) and kill them before there are too many of them. 4. Tell the bugs to reproduce and make as many as possible. Mommy thought that one up because she said if they are like teen-agers, whatever you tell them to do, they will do the opposite so NO MORE BUGS!!! I can see where that would work. It would take all the fun out of making little buggies. If any of you animals have questions like Mr. Chuggs did, don't hesitate to ask.
Demon Flash Bandit (Bug Exterminator)

I am not a bird lover, and Angel isn't allowed to drive the- car

Yesterday I was very upset over a new development in the situation next door. That bird that took over the neighbor's house had his friends fly over and they were having a "bird party". I know this explains the awful heat we have had here the past few days. It was bad enough with one bird--but a whole group of them is just too much for me to accept. This brings me back to one of my major campaign issues. If I am elected president, those birds won't be partying because they will all be subject to the death penalty. For those of you who have humans who like birds (I have those kind of humans myself), buy a dvd (or a cassette for those of you whose owners haven't entered this century yet) of the old Alfred Hitchcock movie, The Birds. Obviously, Hitchcock was one of the few humans who could see birds for what they really are--feathery, flying, bits of garbage. They actually attack people. The people are terrified. Slip it into the dvd player and push the play button. If you do this everyday for a couple of weeks, it should better prepare your humans to understand the wisdom of my stand on the bird death penalty. For those of you who have humans who think the birds should actually do something wrong to be killed, feed the birds that hang out in your yard a bunch of bird seed. You might say, "but you are rewarding the birds, are you getting soft on the bird issue,". My answer would be "no, I'm not getting soft, but see how much the humans love those birds when they are leaving their bird poop everywhere (incidentally, their poop is the same color as the snow they steal).
I also want to make a comment about Angel Yesterday she sat in the driver's sear and acted like she was going to drive. I am the lead dog. My photo here on dogster is of me in the driver''s seat. CASE CLOSED. I AM THE ONLY DOG IN THIS FAMILY WHO CAN DRIVE. I had to put that in my diary so that when Angel reads it, she will have a public notification that she isn't allowed to drive.
Stay tuned for more of my "presidential promises".
Demon Flash Bandit (getting rid of birds one nest at a time)