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Adventures of a lead dog

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California Has Too Many Snow Stealing Birds

March 18th 2008 10:48 am
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I hope everyone out there has gotten over the St. Patrick's Day festivities. I hope your humans didn't over-indulge in Guiness. I know there are some dogs that like it, but I've never tried it. Most of us dogs don't drink it probably for the same reason the humans don't give us candy. The ones who like it are probably hoarding it all for themselves. Mommy buys it occasionally for company, and I've seen her pour it down the drain. She has the same attitude toward coffee. I think a lot of humans like coffee, but she has a point. It smells really bad. I don't think I'd drink it either.

I don't understand the humans at all. My girlfriend, Phoebe, lives in southern California. My Mommy has relatives there, and they refer to it as paradise. Mommy has been there a couple of times, but not since 1970. She said Anaheim is very nice, and she enjoyed the fireworks from Disneyland every night, but I think it sounds like a horrible place to live. First of all, we huskies like our snow, and evidently, most of their snow has been stolen. They must have a lot of birds living there. There must be some kind of water shortage because of the lack of snow. They also have something called earthquakes where a dog can fall into the center of the Earth. It sounds like as bad a place to live as Florida where they try to annoy a husky by having sand that looks like snow. I was so mad when I found out it was hot sand instead of cold snow. Mommy does not share my love of snow and cold which is why a lot of the humans like California and Florida. Anyway, I'm just glad Mommy has no plans to ever move there. I'm hoping she doesn't plan to move to Florida either because I don't really want to meet a gator. They don't sound very nice. I don't think I want to deal with snakes either. I bet they have bugs the size of semi trucks in those states. I still say Alaska is paradise, and I can't get Mommy to believe me. Humans are very hard to teach. I don't think they are capable of learning. Anyway, I feel very sorry for you people and dogs in California. Maybe if you dogs would start killing those little snow stealing birds, you would get your snow back.

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Who Loves Snow)


Happy St. Patrick's Day

March 17th 2008 9:32 am
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Since I didn't bother to check my doggy calendar today and the icons on the silly computer are missing, I will write about St. Patrick because I know if it isn't the 17th, it is close. St. Patrick is an important man to Ireland. Ireland is that nice island country with the leprechauns and the Guiness. Mommy doesn't like Guniness or any other brand of beer, but it seems to be quite popular with a lot of humans. Anyway, the leprechauns usually stay out of sight because they are always guarding gold and the humans are always trying to take it from them except for that one confused little guy who is guarding cereal. Perhaps he should stay away from the tricky rabbit who is always trying to get the Trix. By the way, when Mommy was young, the rabbit never got the Trix, but that changed when kids got to vote, and Mommy voted that he get Trix so the rabbit can thank Mommy and other kids like her for his good fortune. Mommy was all for him getting the Trix. She hated cereal anyway. For some odd reason, Grandma got tired of buying the cereal for the toy inside, and said it had to be eaten. Mommy said Grandma liked cereal so she didn't see the problem. It was a win-win situation for both of them. Grandma got the cereal, and Mommy got the toy. However, I need to get back to the subject of St. Patrick.

He was a good man who came to Ireland. I heard the humans say something about bringing Christianity, getting rid of snakes, and wearing green or you get pinched. I have no idea what all that means so I will admit I'm no expert on St. Patrick. We dogs mainly know about St. Bernard mainly because he was a dog. If you don't believe me, check the AKC--you'll find St. Bernard listed as a dog breed. I did the research. Okay, I did as little research as possible for this entry. Research cuts into my nap time. Anyway, because St. Patrick was such a good man, he has a day set aside in his honor. Mommy happens to like Ireland even though she has never been there. She would like to go there one day, and I bet she is going to be very upset when she realizes that the Irish Rovers were probably in the area doing a concert. She and Daddy used to go see them every year. In fact, because of the Irish music, Mommy and Daddy had planned to name one of their human puppies Colleen. It didn't happen because those uncooperative little brats happened to be boys. Knowing how stubborn my humans can be, and how much they disagreed over boy names, it is amazing that they didn't name one of the boys Colleen anyway.

I would suggest if you want to learn more about St. Patrick and all his contributions, read more on this subject at your local library and don't depend on us dogs to educate you. I think I speak for most dogs when I say we would rather have a good dingo bone, and take a nap. This is why there are so few dogs teaching school.

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Who is too Lazy to do Research)


Those Pesky Birds Stole Our Snow

March 16th 2008 2:14 pm
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Mommy took off this morning without Angel's permission or mine. I don't know why the humans think they can do whatever they want. Sure the Fster was here, but just because one human is here doesn't mean the other one has our permission to go out. I've went over this with the humans over and over, but they don't seem to get it. Anyway, Mommy is back now and Angel and I are both happy about it.

It is what the humans call a nice day, and what we huskies call the result of snow stealing bird varmints. I should put on a sheriff's badge and arrest all the birds. Then I could put on a judge's robe and give them the "electric nest". The humans actually seem to enjoy this weather. They are such idiots.

I hope all you dogs are having a nice weekend, and don't forget to kill any birds you can get your paws on. You are doing a service to dogs everywhere.

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Who Prefers Snow)


Most Humans Are Good to Us

March 15th 2008 9:57 am
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I'm sure most of you dogs out there have clicked onto my diary to see what I, Demon Flash Bandit, am writing about today. My first thought to write about would be Burger King, but I don't think I need to sell any of you dogs on those delicious, tasty burgers. I bet if your humans say, "do you want Burger King", you are already in the car waiting to go. I could also write about dingo bones, but then again, I have never met a dog who didn't enjoy a good dingo bone-or any other rawhide bone for that matter. I don't think I have to mention doggy parks either because I know they are very popular. Most of you dogs seem to be in agreement with me on the bird issue. I'm not saying there isn't a rare dog out there who is okay with birds, but most of us don't really like them--except as target practice. HAHA I have also received a lot of support for my Presidency so I think most of us dogs are very intelligent animals who know what we like. Humans on the other hand, always seem to be annoying each other and disagreeing. There are even humans who (I really hate to write this) don't like dogs. Yes, I said it. You know it is true. There isn't a dog around who doesn't know that there are some awful humans out there. Just the other day, Mommy was reading about a husky in McMinville, TN who is in an animal shelter (one that isn't a no-kill) because his owner came close to beating the husky to death. Luckily he was reported by a neighbor, and Mommy signed an internet petition to have his animal cruelty tried as a felony. I'm glad some humans are good to us, and try to keep the bad humans from hurting us. My sincere doggy thanks go out to those humans, and I can only be thankful that the good humans outnumber the bad humans. I hope you have a wonderful weekend.

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Who Knows What He Likes)


Economic Solution

March 14th 2008 12:00 pm
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As a serious Presidential candidate, I try to keep up with the news. One of the headlines on AOL's home page today said that George W. has announced that the economy is having a rough spot. Those weren't his exact words, but that was the general meaning. I try not to use his exact works because I don't think he is always speaking English. He seems to have a severe language problem. I, Demon Flash Bandit, will not lie to you like some political candidates (and people who are already in office). We are in a recession. We have been in a recession for quite a while. I know the word is scary, and people in power hate to use it because it makes them look like they messed up. However, people know when they have less money to spend. I love it when the govt. tries to tell people everything is great when pay-checks for the average person aren't getting any higher, but prices on things particularly oil is rising. I'm only a dog, but I don't think it is a mere coincidence that oil prices have risen when an "oil man" is in the White House. If I were put in office, I would immediately pull out of Iraq and use those troops to kill birds. The money they have been paid from the penquins for stealing snow could easily take care of the national deficit which is way too high. I don't think there is another candidate who has given a solution for the economic problems except me, Demon Flash Bandit. I hope all you dogs remember to vote for me. Remember, a penny saved is a penny that can be spent on dingo bones.

Demon Flash Bandit (Problem Solver)


Dogs are Smarter than Humans

March 13th 2008 11:28 am
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Statistically, it is possible for a family to have 2.5 children. How do you have half a person? Do you get to choose whether you get the top half or the bottom half or do you get one of each side? This is why I say the humans are idiots. We dogs know that you can't have half a person unless maybe it is a very short person, and I don't think every family has 2 normal size children, and one who only gets half as tall. That goes against genetics.
Humans don't seem to understand the common sense things that we dogs have no problem with. For example, if I were going to eat at a restaurant, I wouldn't care what it looked like. I would only care about how the food tastes. Every weekend, Mommy (who has more common sense that a lot of humans) wonders why some of the restaurants that are priced high and have lousy food are always packed while the reasonably priced restaurants with superior tasting food are busy, but people aren't waiting for a chance to eat at them. The worst thing is that we dogs aren't allowed to go to restaurants in the first place. What kind of society bans dogs from places where people eat? We happen to enjoy eating too. We could even help keep the floor clean. How many times do you see employees having to clean up food messes that we dogs would gladly clean for them? Human customers don't offer to help with the cleaning. When I am President, I will do something about the horrible discrimination against us dogs.

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog With Common Sense)


My Ride Had Better Not Transform into a Robot

March 12th 2008 11:43 am
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Today I will write about Transformers. These are robots who aren't happy just being robots. They transform into vehicles which is kind of silly if you ask me. If I were a robot, I wouldn't want to become a car and have to ride around town carrying a bunch of lazy humans who could be riding in cars that are really cars and can't be anything but cars. Besides, I have already covered that I should be riding around in a Lincoln Limosine, and I don't think any of the robot transform into a limo. If they transformed into one of those silly Hummer limos, I wouldn't ride in it. I have my standards. Hummers are okay as SUVs, but they just don't make pretty limos. One of the relatives rented one for her wedding, and I would rather ride in a regular car than in that montrously ugly looking thing. Next they will be turning a semi truck into a limo. I guess that would be great for the people who can't stand to leave home without taking all their stuff with them. Angel Zoom Smokey said she wouldn't ride in one either. She has a reputation to up-hold. Besides, who would want to ride in a limo designed for the military. Has anyone seen how silly the military looks? They try to blend in with their environment. I think Peter on Family Guy had a point when he dressed as a clown, and said that everyone would be looking for an army guy. Anyway, I want to point out that riding in a transformer car could be very unsettling. Let's just say you are riding along enjoying a nice, scenic view and suddenly, there's trouble and your stupid car decides to transform into a robot and gets into a battle, and you end up having a lousy ride. This is why I would stick with cars that are cars, and I prefer a Lincoln limo. If someone in the glass house in Dearborn, MI (Ford's headquarters) happens to read this diary entry, feel free to send me a limo, and I will do your commercials. I know the limos are custom so I'll be glad to do a regular Lincoln commercial for you. I, Demon Flash Bandit, have not offered to endorse too many products. However, I am also available for Burger King and Dingo Bones. I will not endorse McDonalds because I won't eat their burgers which makes Mommy say I am picky and spoiled. I may be picky and spoiled, but I know what I like, and I won't help sell a product I don't believe in.

Demon Flash Bandit (Robots Should Not Become Cars)


Aliens Shouldn't Be Here Taking Our Jobs

March 11th 2008 10:40 am
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I see a lot of movies about aliens visiting Earth. I know a lot of people get very upset with this issue. You hear people talking about how the aliens are here to take our jobs, and they expect the "system" to support them. I think the aliens could do better than to build a space ship and travel light years away from their own planet so that they can get a job picking oranges or working at fast food. I know that these jobs are jobs that most people are trying to get. Sometimes they get stuck running companies or working in an office when they really want to do manual labor--hopefully for less than minimum wage. Isn't that the dream of most Americans? I think the technology it would take to travel through space might actually require and advanced knowledge and education. You'd think they would just stay on their home planet and work there. I also think you have that whole, they could look like giant bugs problem. The humans look silly enough. Can you imagine a new group that looks like a moth or a mosquito? I just want to take this opportunity to say that, as President, I would not allow aliens to land here or to take our jobs. If any of you humans want a manual labor job that pays downward of $3.00 an hour, get in touch and I'll try to get you on the waiting lists. Good jobs are hard to find.

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Against Aliens)


My Humans are Funny

March 10th 2008 12:57 pm
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I have been observing my Mommy when she reads, and it is hilarious. I think she should hang the book on the other side of the room so she can see it better. The reason for this silly behavior is that Mommy actually owns reading glasses which she doesn't like to wear. I think much of the reason is because Mommy never seems to be able to find them. I guess if they aren't glued to her face, my nutty Mommy will forget where she put them which isn't surprising. I've already told you dogs before that the humans I live with are idiots. I'm surprised they can even remember their names. Sometimes I wish they would forget mine. They expect me to come when they call, and it isn't always convenient. Why do humans think they are in charge. At least cats have the right idea. Cats do as they please. We dogs can learn a lot from them. I hate having my naps interfered with because the humans are calling me.

Mommy and Jeff went to a movie last night--Be Kind, Rewind. No it wasn't a dog movie so even though they said it was good, I have my doubts. All us dogs know that the best movies are dog movies.

I have some important napping to do. If any of you dogs need any advice, remember my group, Dog Advice from Demon Flash Bandit

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Who Lives With Idiots)


Money You Lose in Vegas Stays in Vegas

March 9th 2008 12:00 pm
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I was watching a cowboy movie yesterday. I guess it is a western since there doesn't seem to be any eastern cowboys. I"m not sure if that is because there were no cows in the east or if the easterners just didn't like the style. I don't think it is the style thing because if that were true, you wouldn't see cowboy boots and cowboy hats east of the Mississippi River, and I've seen men wearing them so I don't guess it isn't the clothing style. Maybe they are like a lot of men who got lost and didn't want to ask for directions and they think they are west of the Mississippi because they have no idea where they are. I doubt that the new "map technology" out now helps those men because they probably won't buy it. Why should they when they have such a keen sense of direction? Daddy could drive around for an hour not admitting he had no idea where he was going. Despite Mommy's suggestions that he was a total and complete idiot which didn't phase Daddy. Daddy didn't care if it took him 3 hours to get somewhere which should have taken 15 minutes, it was a matter of honor for him not to admit he didn't have a clue where he was or how to get to where he needed to be. This was great for me because I like to ride. I have to add that it wasn't always his fault. One time Daddy was in the hospital and they had promised to take Jeff to Autorama because the actor who played Cooter in the Dukes of Hazzard tv show was going to be there signing autographs. Daddy always did the driving in Detroit. He grew up there, and he knew the roads. Mommy should have known he was out of his mind when he told her to take Jeff because this was the same person who didn't want her to go to a store after 10:00 pm alone. Mommy got to Autorama but couldn't find the parking garage entrance. She called Daddy and he told her it was in Detroit. She finally found it after circling downtown about 10 times. She said at least that time Daddy had an excuse for being an idiot--he was on drugs. The next day she was teasing him about it, and he wanted to know why she had went, and did she get his Dukes of Hazzard car autographed. I know this doesn't seem to fit, but in an odd way it does. Since cowboys are men, Mommy says that they probably were wandering around out west with absolutely no idea where they were. They were just following the cows, and wherever the cows went, that is where you would find them. I think this must have been interesting work because if you've ever observed cows, they seem quite content to stay in the same spot unless they need to move to eat more grass. Cows are not natures' explorers. I guess the cowboys made them move so they would have something to follow. I'm still trying to understand the hats and boots. I think the boots were to kick at snakes, and the hats were probably to protect them from the sun. I don't think sunglasses had been invented yet. I wonder what style of sunglasses they would have worn had there been sunglasses.
Now that I"ve established that the cowboys were just wandering around aimlessly, I have to bring up the real purpose of cowboys. They were obviously entertainment for the Native Americans. I can just hear the conversation among the Natives. Running Bear: "Should we kill them or maim them?" Lazy Bear "I think we should let them go. It is time for my nap, and I don't want to be disturbed." Smurfette: Why am I here? This place isn't at all Smurfee. Why are those men wandering around aimlessly. Why don't they ask Brainy Smurf? Brainy Smurf: I hope they don't ask for directions. I have no idea where I am. I'm not even sure who I am.
The whole point of this diary entry is that this entry was more entertaining that the movie. I now understand why Mommy told Daddy that movies from the $1.00 rack are often there for a reason. Mommy said some of them actually pre-dated cameras. I think that means they are old releases.
As everyone knows, cowboys won the west. It was a happy day when the head cowboy gave his victory speech (which was given after they had actually won unlike some victory speeches that are given a little too soon, George W.). As any history major can tell you, he got up and said, "We have won and now we can build a city filled with casinos. We can come here and lose our hard earned money. The city will have the motto, The money you lose in Vegas stays in Vegas. Cowboys have given us Vegas. Thanks so much cowboys for your huge role in history. By the way, I am a male dog, but dogs know where we are going. We aren't dumb like the humans. Remember the real purpose of the entry: DONT WATCH MOVIES THAT ONLY COST $1.00

Demon Flash Bandit (History Buff)

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