Adventures of a lead dog

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Economic Solution

March 14th 2008 12:00 pm
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As a serious Presidential candidate, I try to keep up with the news. One of the headlines on AOL's home page today said that George W. has announced that the economy is having a rough spot. Those weren't his exact words, but that was the general meaning. I try not to use his exact works because I don't think he is always speaking English. He seems to have a severe language problem. I, Demon Flash Bandit, will not lie to you like some political candidates (and people who are already in office). We are in a recession. We have been in a recession for quite a while. I know the word is scary, and people in power hate to use it because it makes them look like they messed up. However, people know when they have less money to spend. I love it when the govt. tries to tell people everything is great when pay-checks for the average person aren't getting any higher, but prices on things particularly oil is rising. I'm only a dog, but I don't think it is a mere coincidence that oil prices have risen when an "oil man" is in the White House. If I were put in office, I would immediately pull out of Iraq and use those troops to kill birds. The money they have been paid from the penquins for stealing snow could easily take care of the national deficit which is way too high. I don't think there is another candidate who has given a solution for the economic problems except me, Demon Flash Bandit. I hope all you dogs remember to vote for me. Remember, a penny saved is a penny that can be spent on dingo bones.

Demon Flash Bandit (Problem Solver)

 

Dogs are Smarter than Humans

March 13th 2008 11:28 am
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Statistically, it is possible for a family to have 2.5 children. How do you have half a person? Do you get to choose whether you get the top half or the bottom half or do you get one of each side? This is why I say the humans are idiots. We dogs know that you can't have half a person unless maybe it is a very short person, and I don't think every family has 2 normal size children, and one who only gets half as tall. That goes against genetics.
Humans don't seem to understand the common sense things that we dogs have no problem with. For example, if I were going to eat at a restaurant, I wouldn't care what it looked like. I would only care about how the food tastes. Every weekend, Mommy (who has more common sense that a lot of humans) wonders why some of the restaurants that are priced high and have lousy food are always packed while the reasonably priced restaurants with superior tasting food are busy, but people aren't waiting for a chance to eat at them. The worst thing is that we dogs aren't allowed to go to restaurants in the first place. What kind of society bans dogs from places where people eat? We happen to enjoy eating too. We could even help keep the floor clean. How many times do you see employees having to clean up food messes that we dogs would gladly clean for them? Human customers don't offer to help with the cleaning. When I am President, I will do something about the horrible discrimination against us dogs.

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog With Common Sense)

 

My Ride Had Better Not Transform into a Robot

March 12th 2008 11:43 am
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Today I will write about Transformers. These are robots who aren't happy just being robots. They transform into vehicles which is kind of silly if you ask me. If I were a robot, I wouldn't want to become a car and have to ride around town carrying a bunch of lazy humans who could be riding in cars that are really cars and can't be anything but cars. Besides, I have already covered that I should be riding around in a Lincoln Limosine, and I don't think any of the robot transform into a limo. If they transformed into one of those silly Hummer limos, I wouldn't ride in it. I have my standards. Hummers are okay as SUVs, but they just don't make pretty limos. One of the relatives rented one for her wedding, and I would rather ride in a regular car than in that montrously ugly looking thing. Next they will be turning a semi truck into a limo. I guess that would be great for the people who can't stand to leave home without taking all their stuff with them. Angel Zoom Smokey said she wouldn't ride in one either. She has a reputation to up-hold. Besides, who would want to ride in a limo designed for the military. Has anyone seen how silly the military looks? They try to blend in with their environment. I think Peter on Family Guy had a point when he dressed as a clown, and said that everyone would be looking for an army guy. Anyway, I want to point out that riding in a transformer car could be very unsettling. Let's just say you are riding along enjoying a nice, scenic view and suddenly, there's trouble and your stupid car decides to transform into a robot and gets into a battle, and you end up having a lousy ride. This is why I would stick with cars that are cars, and I prefer a Lincoln limo. If someone in the glass house in Dearborn, MI (Ford's headquarters) happens to read this diary entry, feel free to send me a limo, and I will do your commercials. I know the limos are custom so I'll be glad to do a regular Lincoln commercial for you. I, Demon Flash Bandit, have not offered to endorse too many products. However, I am also available for Burger King and Dingo Bones. I will not endorse McDonalds because I won't eat their burgers which makes Mommy say I am picky and spoiled. I may be picky and spoiled, but I know what I like, and I won't help sell a product I don't believe in.

Demon Flash Bandit (Robots Should Not Become Cars)

 

Aliens Shouldn't Be Here Taking Our Jobs

March 11th 2008 10:40 am
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I see a lot of movies about aliens visiting Earth. I know a lot of people get very upset with this issue. You hear people talking about how the aliens are here to take our jobs, and they expect the "system" to support them. I think the aliens could do better than to build a space ship and travel light years away from their own planet so that they can get a job picking oranges or working at fast food. I know that these jobs are jobs that most people are trying to get. Sometimes they get stuck running companies or working in an office when they really want to do manual labor--hopefully for less than minimum wage. Isn't that the dream of most Americans? I think the technology it would take to travel through space might actually require and advanced knowledge and education. You'd think they would just stay on their home planet and work there. I also think you have that whole, they could look like giant bugs problem. The humans look silly enough. Can you imagine a new group that looks like a moth or a mosquito? I just want to take this opportunity to say that, as President, I would not allow aliens to land here or to take our jobs. If any of you humans want a manual labor job that pays downward of $3.00 an hour, get in touch and I'll try to get you on the waiting lists. Good jobs are hard to find.

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Against Aliens)

 

My Humans are Funny

March 10th 2008 12:57 pm
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I have been observing my Mommy when she reads, and it is hilarious. I think she should hang the book on the other side of the room so she can see it better. The reason for this silly behavior is that Mommy actually owns reading glasses which she doesn't like to wear. I think much of the reason is because Mommy never seems to be able to find them. I guess if they aren't glued to her face, my nutty Mommy will forget where she put them which isn't surprising. I've already told you dogs before that the humans I live with are idiots. I'm surprised they can even remember their names. Sometimes I wish they would forget mine. They expect me to come when they call, and it isn't always convenient. Why do humans think they are in charge. At least cats have the right idea. Cats do as they please. We dogs can learn a lot from them. I hate having my naps interfered with because the humans are calling me.

Mommy and Jeff went to a movie last night--Be Kind, Rewind. No it wasn't a dog movie so even though they said it was good, I have my doubts. All us dogs know that the best movies are dog movies.

I have some important napping to do. If any of you dogs need any advice, remember my group, Dog Advice from Demon Flash Bandit

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Who Lives With Idiots)

 

Money You Lose in Vegas Stays in Vegas

March 9th 2008 12:00 pm
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I was watching a cowboy movie yesterday. I guess it is a western since there doesn't seem to be any eastern cowboys. I"m not sure if that is because there were no cows in the east or if the easterners just didn't like the style. I don't think it is the style thing because if that were true, you wouldn't see cowboy boots and cowboy hats east of the Mississippi River, and I've seen men wearing them so I don't guess it isn't the clothing style. Maybe they are like a lot of men who got lost and didn't want to ask for directions and they think they are west of the Mississippi because they have no idea where they are. I doubt that the new "map technology" out now helps those men because they probably won't buy it. Why should they when they have such a keen sense of direction? Daddy could drive around for an hour not admitting he had no idea where he was going. Despite Mommy's suggestions that he was a total and complete idiot which didn't phase Daddy. Daddy didn't care if it took him 3 hours to get somewhere which should have taken 15 minutes, it was a matter of honor for him not to admit he didn't have a clue where he was or how to get to where he needed to be. This was great for me because I like to ride. I have to add that it wasn't always his fault. One time Daddy was in the hospital and they had promised to take Jeff to Autorama because the actor who played Cooter in the Dukes of Hazzard tv show was going to be there signing autographs. Daddy always did the driving in Detroit. He grew up there, and he knew the roads. Mommy should have known he was out of his mind when he told her to take Jeff because this was the same person who didn't want her to go to a store after 10:00 pm alone. Mommy got to Autorama but couldn't find the parking garage entrance. She called Daddy and he told her it was in Detroit. She finally found it after circling downtown about 10 times. She said at least that time Daddy had an excuse for being an idiot--he was on drugs. The next day she was teasing him about it, and he wanted to know why she had went, and did she get his Dukes of Hazzard car autographed. I know this doesn't seem to fit, but in an odd way it does. Since cowboys are men, Mommy says that they probably were wandering around out west with absolutely no idea where they were. They were just following the cows, and wherever the cows went, that is where you would find them. I think this must have been interesting work because if you've ever observed cows, they seem quite content to stay in the same spot unless they need to move to eat more grass. Cows are not natures' explorers. I guess the cowboys made them move so they would have something to follow. I'm still trying to understand the hats and boots. I think the boots were to kick at snakes, and the hats were probably to protect them from the sun. I don't think sunglasses had been invented yet. I wonder what style of sunglasses they would have worn had there been sunglasses.
Now that I"ve established that the cowboys were just wandering around aimlessly, I have to bring up the real purpose of cowboys. They were obviously entertainment for the Native Americans. I can just hear the conversation among the Natives. Running Bear: "Should we kill them or maim them?" Lazy Bear "I think we should let them go. It is time for my nap, and I don't want to be disturbed." Smurfette: Why am I here? This place isn't at all Smurfee. Why are those men wandering around aimlessly. Why don't they ask Brainy Smurf? Brainy Smurf: I hope they don't ask for directions. I have no idea where I am. I'm not even sure who I am.
The whole point of this diary entry is that this entry was more entertaining that the movie. I now understand why Mommy told Daddy that movies from the $1.00 rack are often there for a reason. Mommy said some of them actually pre-dated cameras. I think that means they are old releases.
As everyone knows, cowboys won the west. It was a happy day when the head cowboy gave his victory speech (which was given after they had actually won unlike some victory speeches that are given a little too soon, George W.). As any history major can tell you, he got up and said, "We have won and now we can build a city filled with casinos. We can come here and lose our hard earned money. The city will have the motto, The money you lose in Vegas stays in Vegas. Cowboys have given us Vegas. Thanks so much cowboys for your huge role in history. By the way, I am a male dog, but dogs know where we are going. We aren't dumb like the humans. Remember the real purpose of the entry: DONT WATCH MOVIES THAT ONLY COST $1.00

Demon Flash Bandit (History Buff)

 

Furry Creatures

March 8th 2008 9:23 am
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I have decided to discuss some of the other furry creatures that exist in the world. That doesn't include some of the extra furry humans--with the possible exception of that humans looking furry creature, Sasquatch. Obviously, we dogs are the best of the furry creatures. We are intelligent, loving, beautiful, etc. (no, OBEDIANCE is not on the list--that is a trait that is suppposed to be mastered by the humans, and I've given up on mine). Cats are also furry creatures. They are usually nice unless you get one of those snobby ones who doesn't like dogs. To be fair, this is often because the cat has come into contact with a not so friendly dog or is just afraid of the dog. Most cats are okay with dogs like myself who think cats are okay. I stilll wish Mommy could have saved that kitten I found for her last spring. It wasn't much bigger than my paw. It even had to be fed special milk from an eye dropper. Anyway, most cats are okay. I was also fond of my pet rabbit. He was a cute little guy. He always looked like he was wearing a tuxedo. I guess he liked to stay in formal attire like the penquins. Did the designers get the idea for tuxedos from penquins? It is hard to think that the humans could come up with an idea on their own. You know how stupid they are. I haven't personally met a squirrel or chipmunk, but I do think they are furry. I like the squirrel's tail, but I think they are a bit snobby and don't come to meet the dog so I'm not a big fan of them. I love horses, I talked to one once. They are like big sled dogs. There is one odd animal that I"ve never met personally because I've never been to a zoo, but he looks like he would be furry--a giraffe. He is one odd looking animal. Did his neck not realize that the rest of him had stopped growing and it just continued getting longer and longer? I think that is the only plausible scientific theory for the size of his neck. I don't want to forget the many different types of monkeys that exist. They are like cute little agile humans. I particularly like seeing them wear clothes on tv. As long as the humans are dressing them, they leave us dogs alone, and my regular readers know how much I hate the idea of being dressed in clothes.

It would be nice if the humans had even half the intelligence of us animals, but they don't. I have decided that the only way to remedy this situation is for us to take charge so remember to vote for me for President.

Demon Flash Bandit (Observer of Animals)

 

"Thumb" Movies

March 7th 2008 10:14 am
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I've been wondering about how easy it must be to entertain the humans. I have heard that some of them can be entertained for hours with bubble wrap. I know this has to be true because I even saw it on an episode of my favorite TV show, The Office, when Michael burned his foot on a George Foreman grill. I don't know how that could happen. However, when Mommy is grilling chicken, I could see how Angel Zoom Smokey could burn her nose on one because her nose is always being shooed out of the kitchen when it is on. Anyway, Michael had his foot bandaged in bubble wrap because he kept it in the house for entertainment purposes. That is when I realized why we dogs have so many problems with the humans. Humans are idiots. I happen to be an intellectual giant, and yet I have to act like I don't know as much as the people I live with. Jeff and Mommy both have a complete collection of THUMB movies. These are parodies written for and acted out by thumb actors and actresses. I've just got one doggy observation about them: SAD. Humans are entertained by thumb technology and bubble wrap. Is it any wonder why I'm running for President? It is about time there was a dog in charge. As my readers already know---I will make sure all those evil birds die. I heard a couple of them singing last week. They are only here to steal my snow, and turn this lovely winter weather into warm, sunny horrible weather. I wish the humans weren't so easily fooled.

Jeff was out with friends yesterday, and Angel Zoom Smokey was very mad at him for leaving on her birthday. I told him to take her with him. I could use a break from the silly puppy.

I hope everydog has a wonderful weekend.

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Possessing No Thumbs)

 

Medicine or Not??????

March 6th 2008 9:22 am
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Today is Angel Zoom Smokey's birthday, and she is the big 1 year today. I was just beginnning to have hope that Mommy would get tougher on her since she officially isn't a puppy anymore. I heard Mommy tell her that she will always be Mommy's puppy. Sure, it is great when Mommy tells me that, but the line has to be drawn somewhere, and Angel really needs to grow up. Yesterday she was super destructive. I suggested keeping her in the crate, and she got all whiney with me. She should know by now that whining only works with the humans. They are the only ones dumb enough to fall for it. I should know. I am a pro at whining. At least I get a special gift today. I guess it must be my "putting up with the silly puppy" award. Sometimes she can be fun to have around, but that is when she isn't playing with my toys or trying to rob my attention from the humans. I LOVE ATTENTION!!!!

As most of my faithful readers already know, I like to bring up things that the humans do that don't make a lot of sense to us dogs or even things that seem a bit silly. Today I want to mention a commercial I saw for Dr. Pepper. What kind of dr. is this Pepper anyway It looks like it is a beverage so just what is its purpose? Where did it go to medical school? Since it seems to be an inanimate object, is it just a clever name for a new medicinal product to make people healthier? If so, does it no longer require a prescription and did it ever require one? Also, can you get addicted to it? Are there Dr. Pepper junkies who are breaking into homes so they can get money for their next glass of Dr. Pepper? Are there re-hab centers for former Dr. Pepper addicts? Last but definitely not least, is it legal? Personally, I think I'll stick with water. I know my pet rabbit, Flash, loved coca cola, but he wasn't sick so he didn't need medicine. I know I don't have any answers to these questions---yet. However, if no one asks the questions, we will never know the answers.

Demon Flash Bandit (Asking the Important Questions)

 

Titles Can Be Mis-Leading

March 5th 2008 10:28 am
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I would like to complain about movie titles. I think a title should tell you what the movie is about. When I title my diary entries, I try to give another dog an idea of the subject matter. You can imagine how upset I got when I got out Daddy's dvd, Hamburger Hill. The title tells a dog that it is a touching story about hamburgers on a hill. I thought maybe there were a bunch of Burger Kings built on a hill. It had nothing to do with hamburgers or Burger King. It was actually about a battle in VietNam called Hamburger Hill!!!! This dog wants to state very clearly that I like my hamburgers without fighting, and I think I speak for most of the men that were actually involved in that battle, I bet they would have also preferred to be ordering a nice juicy whopper at Burger King. I will take this opportunity to thank the people who did have to go through so much with so little appreciation at the time. I know my Daddy was there, and he never wanted to be there. You have my Demon Flash Bandit salute for going through so much. I also hope you get all the Burger King you want. By the way, if drive through takes too long, blow the horn. That is what I do. Luckily for Mommy the employees know me and they know I know how to blow the horn. A dog can't help not wanting to wait long if he is very hungry. I also want to add that the title does fit the movie, but this dog has no idea why the battle was called Hamburger Hill. However, the title is officially accurate so I can't complain about the title. Next time, I'm going to look at the cover of the dvd. If I don't see a burger, I'm going to be suspicious. Daddy and I used to watch Platoon together because that is the group that Daddy was in. If I were him, I think I would have stayed at their main place in Hawaii. I bet Hawaii was a lot more fun. I guess they don't give them a choice or everyone would have been in Hawaii--probably at Burger King if they are anything like me.

That movie has made my entry far too serious, and as most of you know, I like to keep my entries funny and happy which is not always easy when I live in such a stupid world run by stupid humans. I'm sure I can so a lot to make things better when I am elected President, but at the moment, I just have to put up with the way it is. Remember to vote for me. I need all the doggy support I can get. A lot of people still plan to vote human.

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Who LOVES Burger King)

 
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