Adventures of a lead dog

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Dogs Want to Receive a DEAD Bird!!!!

March 26th 2008 10:49 am
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The people at Dogster have made me very upset. They actually have a singing bird as a gift for spring. It made my blood boil, and huskies don't want to get that hot. I know there are humans running dogster, and they are totally clueless, but shouldn't they know how we dogs feel about birds? I'm not the only dog who doesn't like them. The bunny is okay. I had a pet bunny, and even dogs who go after bunnies don't think they are evil--they just enjoy chasing bunnies (also chipmunks, squrrels, and other small animals). Birds fly around taunting dogs even when they aren't stealing snow. Birds think they are so much better than the rest of us because they can fly. Big deal. So can I if I go to the airport and get a ticket. I don't go around acting all snobby about it. I wouldn't mind if dogster had a dead bird laying on its little back. I want to remind you not to get too mad at the dogster administration. Humans are supid and easily fooled, and the birds are taking advantage of their stupidity. I hate those evil little feathered varmints.

Demon Flash Bandit (What Is Dogster Thinking?)

 

Economic Down-Sizing

March 25th 2008 10:34 am
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As many of my loyal readers know, I prefer eating at Burger King, and I used to eat there everyday. Since Daddy died, Mommy has been cutting back on spending so guess who suffers---yeah, you got it--the Deemster. Now I get Burger King 1 to 3 days a week. I decided to call social services to explain how lousy my life has become and get some Burger King gift certificates. I hope you dogs are sitting down when you read this, but they don't give them to dogs. In fact, they don't give certificates for restaurants at all. They are for groceries. All us dogs know about the discrimination we face, but who would have guessed that we dogs aren't important enough to the govt. for them to give us gift certificates for Burger King? I don't always want grilled chicken. The lady I talked to seemed totally unconcerned with my plight, and told me that I'm a dog, and she doesn't even have to talk to a dog because we don't qualify for anything. WE AREN'T EVEN TAX DEDUCTIONS FOR OUR HUMANS!!!!!!! Can you believe it? We are so unimportant to the govt. that they don't even seem to acknowledge our very existence. No wonder I don't have secret service people protecting me in my presidential campaign. They probably don't even admit I'm running. When I get in, something will be done about this silly, "dogs don't qualify for help attitude". I will also make a law that if the humans get caught stealing the dog's Burger King certificates, they will be punished to the maximum extent of the law. I'm not sure what that means, but I heard it on tv and it sounds good, doesn't it? You know some humans will sneak their dogs certificates and then try to feed their dogs dog food. Those humans should and will be punished under my administration. I also want to add that we are so "unimportant" to the govt when it comes to watching out for us yet you always hear about the President's pets. Even Richard Nixon had a dog. Most of them like to pose with the pets. You've seen the photos. The President with his loyal dog laying next to him. We are important when they need photos made to make them look good, but we are pushed aside the rest of the time. I think I speak for all us dogs when I say we are tired of this kind of treatment, and we will not rest until it ends. When a dog can walk into any place he or she wants to without fear of being kicked out, then it will be a country that a dog can be proud of. Be sure and vote for Demon Flash Bandit/Angel Zoom Smokey for President/Vice-President. I want to thank all of my pals who are supporting me.

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Who Should Get Burger King EVERY DAY)

 

I Wanted to Go Up North Too!!!

March 24th 2008 10:43 am
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Easter is over, and I hope all you dogs out there had a fun Easter. Mommy tried to feed me an egg, and I absolutely refused to eat it. Why should I eat a chicken egg when she could give me a candy egg. Mommy needs to get with the program. Angel was stuffing down the chicken eggs. She loves them. I thought it was great. She could get filled up (if that is possible) on them and then when the candy eggs are given out, I'll eat hers too. I've given this matter some thought. When it comes to candy, the Deemster contemplates things in advance.

Mommy and Jeff went to West Branch, MI for Easter. They left me with William. Angel and I were ready to visit their friends too. In fact, Mommy said it started snowing there, and she had to drive home more slowly because the roads were getting covered with snow. Doesn't she realize that Angel and I are SNOW DOGS? We could have pulled the van home in an emergency. Okay, we could have, but we would have told Mommy to call AAA because that is what emergency road service is for. Besides, I'd prefer napping inside the car. Snow is much more fun if you are playing in it--not having to work. Pulling a van with humans in it sounds like a lot of work to me. Of course, I told Mommy how helpful we would have been in that scenerio. It is so easy to fool the humans.

We did get new toys for Easter. I was hoping for a chocolate bunny, but I didn't get one. I suspect the bunny left me one and Mommy took it for herself. I think the humans have safes filled with chocolate that they have taken from us dogs. I need to learn safe cracking so I can get to the candy. A dog should be able to enjoy a bite of candy without having to ask the humans' permission. I will never understand who made them think they are in charge when they are our intellectual inferiors. Remember to vote for me for President.

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Who Should Have Went Up North)

 

The Easter Bunny Rules

March 22nd 2008 9:45 am
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Evidently there is some silly human tradition that you wear new clothes on Easter. If Mommy goes out and buys an outfit for me. there will be trouble. If she buys one for Angel, she better be fast because Angel will run if she see you even approaching her with an outfit in hand. She isn't taking chances. I think it might be because of the hot dog outfit they put on her at Halloween. I still like to call her hot dog butt. Mommy bought it ahead of time, and by the time Halloween came, she was so big that it only fit her butt. I think she looked hilarious in it.

Tonight the Easter bunny will be bringing baskets to all you dogs out there. If you don't get one, it is because your humans didn't let the bunny in so make sure they are nice to the bunny. He doesn't come down the chimney like Santa Paws. Don't expect to get as much either. Santa has all those workers and a much larger budget. It is only natural that he can bring more toys and treats. However, the bunny tries, and he does his best. I give him credit for that.

Mommy plans to color some eggs. I have no idea why. Maybe it is so they look nicer and maybe that makes them taste better.

Mommy was cleaning yesterday, and she found lots of stuff she didn't know about. She was particularly happy that she found a pair of earrings Daddy bought her that were gold citrine hearts. Daddy has been gone for a year, but still managed to get her something for Easter. I can't understand why that made her happy. I told her to keep looking. I've been neglected--you would think he would have hidden a dingo bone for me. Maybe the dogs who have crossed over have claimed all the dingo bones, and won't share. I'm sure he would have given me one if he could get one.

I hope all you dogs out there have a wonderful Ester holiday.

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Awaiting the Easter Bunny)

 

I Would Make a Great Super-hero

March 21st 2008 10:33 am
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Angel and I are planning to have a long heart to heart talk with our human brother Jeff. He went out with a friend yesterday, and didn't ask our permission---AGAIN. I don't know why he thinks he can get by with things like that. Angel and I are not happy campers. In fact, we aren't campers at all. Our humans have never been camping---never. I guess they aren't happy campers either or they would go camping. Mommy says she has better things to do than to go out and commune with nature. Mommy likes nature, but also knows that it contains mosquitoes, spiders, and lots of other bugs and creatures that she would rather not meet. She knows some people camp in campers which are kind of like the house a turtle carries with him. Mommy says she takes enough stuff with her when she goes places now. She really would be taking the kitchen sink if she had one of them.

Jeff should stay home and write the new comic book he promised he would write for Angel. Angel wants a comic book, and all Jeff does is hang out on the computer looking for a new item in his nerd paradise--teeny tiny little hero figures which are part of a game that you can play. I think they are called heroclix. If the kid wasn't already nerdy enough, he finds even more stuff to make him look even more so. These characters are about an inch high. I think they could only be super heroes in Uncle Milty's Ant Farm-which happens to be highly entertaining. You even get to send away for ants which made absolutely no sense to Mommy since she tries to keep ants out of the house, and Jeff was ordering ants to put into the house. Now Jeff spends valuable computer time looking up how to play the game. Star Wars, Star Trek, Battlestar Gallactica, Heroes, and now this. I think he should write the comic book for Angel and then he could make little Angel Zoom Smokey and Demon Flash Bandit action figures and turn them into Heroclix, and they would be a lot cooler than the ones he is buying now. There are other dogs interested in being in the comic book so there would be other doggy heroes as well. I think I'd make a great superhero--a lot better than those stupid Justice League characters he keeps buying. I hope he comes to his senses soon because Angel said she is going to hire someone else to write her comic book, and then when she is super rich, she is going to make Jeff buy her heroclix at normal retail prices--no discount for him. She said she will even charge him for her paw print which she has been putting on his pants with mud since she was a puppy. Now he will have to pay to get that muddy paw print. Maybe that will teach him to be lazy.

I hope all you dogs have a wonderful holiday weekend.

Demon Flash Bandit (Super-hero)

 

Happy Easter!!!!!

March 20th 2008 10:24 am
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Easter is fast approaching, and I want to make sure and wish all the dogs out there a happy Easter. I would be remiss is I missed this opportunity to remind you that Easter not only has the bunny (I had a bunny pal so I'm okay with rabbits), but also CHICKENS!!! CHICKENS ARE BIRDS. In fact they are fowls which is a clever cover-up spelling of their purpose---FOUL. They might fool the humans, but they don't fool Demon Flash Bandit. I want to remind you that you are supposed to leave the bunny alone. Even if you don't like bunnies and want to catch him, he is doing a vital service delivering Easter basket to all the children, and I personally don't want to have to deal with a bunch of angry toddlers who would pull tails and who are generally a nuisance even if they love us. I love children, but I bet sometimes their parents get highly annoyed with them too. They are like Angel--they have a tendency to get into things. In addition to angry children, you have to deal with the Legion of Holiday Characters. If Santa gets mad at you and considers you naughty, he won't bring you dog toys or dingo bones at Christmas. However, it is okay to kill chickens because they don't have a big role in Easter, and can be easily replaced--let's just hope it isn't with a skunk. Be sure and kill any chickens that have the nerve to walk into your house. If the humans get upset, you can tell them he was trespassing and looked like a thief so you were protecting the homeplace. You can also point out that chicken makes a great meal--it is called a win-win situation. You get to kill the chicken and the humans get to cook it and eat it. If they don't want to eat it, you can take care of that part for them. That is even better for you. When you are eating your Easter eggs, and enjoying a meal of holiday chicken, I hope you have a happy Easter!!!!!

Demon Flash Bandit (On Easter Chicken Alert)

 

My Opinion of Winning a Lot of Torys

March 19th 2008 11:25 am
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Mommy talked to my aunt last night, and she wants to win something called a lottory. Personally, I think my aunt has enough financial problems without winning a lot of Torys. Wouldn't feeding and housing an entire political party be kind of expensive. I think they are in Britain so you'd probably have to pay the fare to bring them to the U. S. No wonder humans have so many problems. How can they think they are going to be happy and have plentyof cash when they are spending their hard earned money on lottery tickets that will just cost them a fortune if they win? I can understand if they were buying tickets not to win the Torys. Actually, most of them never win anyway. Evidently, humans aren't exactly brilliant at statistical math. They are incredibly optimistic as well. They stand a similar chance of winning the Torys as they do getting hit by lightning--actually, it is probably more likely that they would get hit by lightning. Yet they will walk outside in a storm and never think lightning will hit, yet they still think they will win the Torys. I would also like to know what the Torys are doing for education. MI lottery tickets say the money is going for education. Whose education and what type of education? Does anybody really find out or do they just assume it is for public schools. Perhaps they are teaching people how to run casinos. Education can cover many different areas.

I hope that your humans never win a bunch of Torys because they could have dogs they bring with them, and then you would have to share your Milkbones.

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Who Isn't Trying to Win Torys)

 

California Has Too Many Snow Stealing Birds

March 18th 2008 10:48 am
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I hope everyone out there has gotten over the St. Patrick's Day festivities. I hope your humans didn't over-indulge in Guiness. I know there are some dogs that like it, but I've never tried it. Most of us dogs don't drink it probably for the same reason the humans don't give us candy. The ones who like it are probably hoarding it all for themselves. Mommy buys it occasionally for company, and I've seen her pour it down the drain. She has the same attitude toward coffee. I think a lot of humans like coffee, but she has a point. It smells really bad. I don't think I'd drink it either.

I don't understand the humans at all. My girlfriend, Phoebe, lives in southern California. My Mommy has relatives there, and they refer to it as paradise. Mommy has been there a couple of times, but not since 1970. She said Anaheim is very nice, and she enjoyed the fireworks from Disneyland every night, but I think it sounds like a horrible place to live. First of all, we huskies like our snow, and evidently, most of their snow has been stolen. They must have a lot of birds living there. There must be some kind of water shortage because of the lack of snow. They also have something called earthquakes where a dog can fall into the center of the Earth. It sounds like as bad a place to live as Florida where they try to annoy a husky by having sand that looks like snow. I was so mad when I found out it was hot sand instead of cold snow. Mommy does not share my love of snow and cold which is why a lot of the humans like California and Florida. Anyway, I'm just glad Mommy has no plans to ever move there. I'm hoping she doesn't plan to move to Florida either because I don't really want to meet a gator. They don't sound very nice. I don't think I want to deal with snakes either. I bet they have bugs the size of semi trucks in those states. I still say Alaska is paradise, and I can't get Mommy to believe me. Humans are very hard to teach. I don't think they are capable of learning. Anyway, I feel very sorry for you people and dogs in California. Maybe if you dogs would start killing those little snow stealing birds, you would get your snow back.

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Who Loves Snow)

 

Happy St. Patrick's Day

March 17th 2008 9:32 am
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Since I didn't bother to check my doggy calendar today and the icons on the silly computer are missing, I will write about St. Patrick because I know if it isn't the 17th, it is close. St. Patrick is an important man to Ireland. Ireland is that nice island country with the leprechauns and the Guiness. Mommy doesn't like Guniness or any other brand of beer, but it seems to be quite popular with a lot of humans. Anyway, the leprechauns usually stay out of sight because they are always guarding gold and the humans are always trying to take it from them except for that one confused little guy who is guarding cereal. Perhaps he should stay away from the tricky rabbit who is always trying to get the Trix. By the way, when Mommy was young, the rabbit never got the Trix, but that changed when kids got to vote, and Mommy voted that he get Trix so the rabbit can thank Mommy and other kids like her for his good fortune. Mommy was all for him getting the Trix. She hated cereal anyway. For some odd reason, Grandma got tired of buying the cereal for the toy inside, and said it had to be eaten. Mommy said Grandma liked cereal so she didn't see the problem. It was a win-win situation for both of them. Grandma got the cereal, and Mommy got the toy. However, I need to get back to the subject of St. Patrick.

He was a good man who came to Ireland. I heard the humans say something about bringing Christianity, getting rid of snakes, and wearing green or you get pinched. I have no idea what all that means so I will admit I'm no expert on St. Patrick. We dogs mainly know about St. Bernard mainly because he was a dog. If you don't believe me, check the AKC--you'll find St. Bernard listed as a dog breed. I did the research. Okay, I did as little research as possible for this entry. Research cuts into my nap time. Anyway, because St. Patrick was such a good man, he has a day set aside in his honor. Mommy happens to like Ireland even though she has never been there. She would like to go there one day, and I bet she is going to be very upset when she realizes that the Irish Rovers were probably in the area doing a concert. She and Daddy used to go see them every year. In fact, because of the Irish music, Mommy and Daddy had planned to name one of their human puppies Colleen. It didn't happen because those uncooperative little brats happened to be boys. Knowing how stubborn my humans can be, and how much they disagreed over boy names, it is amazing that they didn't name one of the boys Colleen anyway.

I would suggest if you want to learn more about St. Patrick and all his contributions, read more on this subject at your local library and don't depend on us dogs to educate you. I think I speak for most dogs when I say we would rather have a good dingo bone, and take a nap. This is why there are so few dogs teaching school.

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Who is too Lazy to do Research)

 

Those Pesky Birds Stole Our Snow

March 16th 2008 2:14 pm
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Mommy took off this morning without Angel's permission or mine. I don't know why the humans think they can do whatever they want. Sure the Fster was here, but just because one human is here doesn't mean the other one has our permission to go out. I've went over this with the humans over and over, but they don't seem to get it. Anyway, Mommy is back now and Angel and I are both happy about it.

It is what the humans call a nice day, and what we huskies call the result of snow stealing bird varmints. I should put on a sheriff's badge and arrest all the birds. Then I could put on a judge's robe and give them the "electric nest". The humans actually seem to enjoy this weather. They are such idiots.

I hope all you dogs are having a nice weekend, and don't forget to kill any birds you can get your paws on. You are doing a service to dogs everywhere.

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Who Prefers Snow)

 
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