Adventures of a lead dog

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Agents Should Be Able to Find a Better Role for a Dog)

March 30th 2008 10:46 am
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Mommy has been watching the first season of The Waltons, and I want to know why their dog stayed on the show. The main times they give their faithful hunting dog any spotlight at all, he is hurt. His name is Wreckless, and I think the name applies to the humans more than the dog. In one episode, an old army buddy of John Walton visits and they go out hunting for a fox that is getting the chickens. Of course, the old army buddy shoots Wreckless by mistake, and leaves him laying there bleeding to death. He finally tells John and John Boy (with a name like John boy, you'd think he was the dog) about shooting the dog. They make it just in time to save the dog. If I were Wreckless, i would have been on the phone to my agent after the first episode. Did the dog read that script ahead of time? I would have declined being on that program. I know it was set during the Depression, but wasn't it an economic depression? From the show, I'd assume it was a Dog Depression because, I don't even think the dog was allowed in the house. Sure, they had a millionzillion kids, but a dog might mess up the place. They let a baby duck live inside, and there were a bunch of tadpoles that they brought into the house. The dog had to stay outside. Where is the justice?
I would also like to add that they were always talking about the depression and money being hard to find. Either this was not an accurate depiction of poor people during the depression or those stories my Mommy had to hear every time she asked for money were lies. Thanks to George W. Bush, we may all get to re-live those depression days because he seems to have no clue how to handle money. The moral of this is: don't put a spoiled rich kid into the white house who has had to have all his business failures bailed out for him. It helps if the person if office understands money. Money is meant for things like dog toys and dingo bones. George W. is such an idiot!!! There are actually 2 morals to this entry. Dogs, read the script before you take the part.

Demon Flash Bandit (Wreckless Should Have Called His Agent)

 

Febreze Group

March 29th 2008 7:54 am
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I'm sorry about not writing my entry yesterday. I didn't even answer all my paw-mail, and I still have an item in my advice group that I didn't even get to read. The computer lost all the windows, and I got fed up and turned it off for the day. Things like that interfere with a dog's nap time, and if you read many of my entries, you know how much I love my nap time.

I do want to say hello to my new pal Raja who happens to be a very intelligent dog which of course means that she agrees with me on most subjects. There are very few dogs who don't agree with me. Most think I should be President so I know that we dogs are far more intelligent than other species.

Mommy had Chinese food Thursday night and then she went to a movie. The movie was Drillbit Taylor. She enjoyed her night out. William came and stayed with us.

Yesterday, Mommy got the free gifts for signing up with the Febreze group. If any of you dogs haven't done so, join the group. The gifts are very nice. I am wearing the Febreze bandana, and the gifts included a lot of cool stuff---even a dog toy. Those people must like us dogs a lot. I plan to spray the Febreze on the humans so they smell better. I think the humans have gotten it mixed up. It is "'pet spray" which means the pets spray the humans. Humans always think everything is meant for them. What idiots!!!

It snowed here Monday night. I guess those pesky birds haven't taken all our snow yet. I'm hoping we get more. I wish Mommy shared my love of snow. Then I could persuade her to move to Alaska.

I hope all you dogs have a wonderful weekend, and don't forget to tell your doggy pals who aren't on Dogter to vote for me.

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Who Enjoys Gifts)

 

Collectibles?????

March 27th 2008 10:44 am
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I know all the dogs out there will agree with me when I say that we dogs enjoy playing with balls. They are those little round objects which we enjoy so much. Humans like to play too, but they don't usually relish it with the kind of enthusiasm we dogs have. If a dog has a collection of balls, they are for playing, eating, and destroying. My humans have baseballs which are autographed (no, there are no cars anywhere around them so I don't quite get the autograph thing). These balls are in protective little stands so they don't get messed up. They don't even touch them. They have "autographs" of a bunch of different baseball players. There is even an autographed bat that was played in a Detroit Tigers game by one of the "scab" players during the baseball strike a few years ago. I'm a good dog so I leave them alone, but I would like to understand the concept of why we dogs can't enjoy playing with them. Angel would love to get her paws on one of them. She said she is getting tired of just destroying Mommy's stuffed animals and would like to move on to other things. Mommy even has a autographed football and she hates football. It is a "special" Coca Cola football signed by some football player. Why do humans collect things that we dogs know were meant to be played with, enjoyed, and then chewed into a thousand little pieces? The humans enjoy "looking at the item". No wonder the humans are often depressed. They don't know how to enjoy life. Humans could learn a lot from us dogs. By the way, I believe the President throws out the first ball of the season when baseball season starts. Does George W. have someone else do it for him? I'm just wondering because he seems to be so big on fighting with everyone, but when there was a war going on when he was young, he seems to have missed it completely. On a side note, if Angel ends up in jail for destroying a baseball, I think she should be bailed out. A baseball is a lot of temptation for a puppy.

Demon Flash Bandit (Why Is a Ball a Collectible?)

 

Dogs Want to Receive a DEAD Bird!!!!

March 26th 2008 10:49 am
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The people at Dogster have made me very upset. They actually have a singing bird as a gift for spring. It made my blood boil, and huskies don't want to get that hot. I know there are humans running dogster, and they are totally clueless, but shouldn't they know how we dogs feel about birds? I'm not the only dog who doesn't like them. The bunny is okay. I had a pet bunny, and even dogs who go after bunnies don't think they are evil--they just enjoy chasing bunnies (also chipmunks, squrrels, and other small animals). Birds fly around taunting dogs even when they aren't stealing snow. Birds think they are so much better than the rest of us because they can fly. Big deal. So can I if I go to the airport and get a ticket. I don't go around acting all snobby about it. I wouldn't mind if dogster had a dead bird laying on its little back. I want to remind you not to get too mad at the dogster administration. Humans are supid and easily fooled, and the birds are taking advantage of their stupidity. I hate those evil little feathered varmints.

Demon Flash Bandit (What Is Dogster Thinking?)

 

Economic Down-Sizing

March 25th 2008 10:34 am
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As many of my loyal readers know, I prefer eating at Burger King, and I used to eat there everyday. Since Daddy died, Mommy has been cutting back on spending so guess who suffers---yeah, you got it--the Deemster. Now I get Burger King 1 to 3 days a week. I decided to call social services to explain how lousy my life has become and get some Burger King gift certificates. I hope you dogs are sitting down when you read this, but they don't give them to dogs. In fact, they don't give certificates for restaurants at all. They are for groceries. All us dogs know about the discrimination we face, but who would have guessed that we dogs aren't important enough to the govt. for them to give us gift certificates for Burger King? I don't always want grilled chicken. The lady I talked to seemed totally unconcerned with my plight, and told me that I'm a dog, and she doesn't even have to talk to a dog because we don't qualify for anything. WE AREN'T EVEN TAX DEDUCTIONS FOR OUR HUMANS!!!!!!! Can you believe it? We are so unimportant to the govt. that they don't even seem to acknowledge our very existence. No wonder I don't have secret service people protecting me in my presidential campaign. They probably don't even admit I'm running. When I get in, something will be done about this silly, "dogs don't qualify for help attitude". I will also make a law that if the humans get caught stealing the dog's Burger King certificates, they will be punished to the maximum extent of the law. I'm not sure what that means, but I heard it on tv and it sounds good, doesn't it? You know some humans will sneak their dogs certificates and then try to feed their dogs dog food. Those humans should and will be punished under my administration. I also want to add that we are so "unimportant" to the govt when it comes to watching out for us yet you always hear about the President's pets. Even Richard Nixon had a dog. Most of them like to pose with the pets. You've seen the photos. The President with his loyal dog laying next to him. We are important when they need photos made to make them look good, but we are pushed aside the rest of the time. I think I speak for all us dogs when I say we are tired of this kind of treatment, and we will not rest until it ends. When a dog can walk into any place he or she wants to without fear of being kicked out, then it will be a country that a dog can be proud of. Be sure and vote for Demon Flash Bandit/Angel Zoom Smokey for President/Vice-President. I want to thank all of my pals who are supporting me.

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Who Should Get Burger King EVERY DAY)

 

I Wanted to Go Up North Too!!!

March 24th 2008 10:43 am
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Easter is over, and I hope all you dogs out there had a fun Easter. Mommy tried to feed me an egg, and I absolutely refused to eat it. Why should I eat a chicken egg when she could give me a candy egg. Mommy needs to get with the program. Angel was stuffing down the chicken eggs. She loves them. I thought it was great. She could get filled up (if that is possible) on them and then when the candy eggs are given out, I'll eat hers too. I've given this matter some thought. When it comes to candy, the Deemster contemplates things in advance.

Mommy and Jeff went to West Branch, MI for Easter. They left me with William. Angel and I were ready to visit their friends too. In fact, Mommy said it started snowing there, and she had to drive home more slowly because the roads were getting covered with snow. Doesn't she realize that Angel and I are SNOW DOGS? We could have pulled the van home in an emergency. Okay, we could have, but we would have told Mommy to call AAA because that is what emergency road service is for. Besides, I'd prefer napping inside the car. Snow is much more fun if you are playing in it--not having to work. Pulling a van with humans in it sounds like a lot of work to me. Of course, I told Mommy how helpful we would have been in that scenerio. It is so easy to fool the humans.

We did get new toys for Easter. I was hoping for a chocolate bunny, but I didn't get one. I suspect the bunny left me one and Mommy took it for herself. I think the humans have safes filled with chocolate that they have taken from us dogs. I need to learn safe cracking so I can get to the candy. A dog should be able to enjoy a bite of candy without having to ask the humans' permission. I will never understand who made them think they are in charge when they are our intellectual inferiors. Remember to vote for me for President.

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Who Should Have Went Up North)

 

The Easter Bunny Rules

March 22nd 2008 9:45 am
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Evidently there is some silly human tradition that you wear new clothes on Easter. If Mommy goes out and buys an outfit for me. there will be trouble. If she buys one for Angel, she better be fast because Angel will run if she see you even approaching her with an outfit in hand. She isn't taking chances. I think it might be because of the hot dog outfit they put on her at Halloween. I still like to call her hot dog butt. Mommy bought it ahead of time, and by the time Halloween came, she was so big that it only fit her butt. I think she looked hilarious in it.

Tonight the Easter bunny will be bringing baskets to all you dogs out there. If you don't get one, it is because your humans didn't let the bunny in so make sure they are nice to the bunny. He doesn't come down the chimney like Santa Paws. Don't expect to get as much either. Santa has all those workers and a much larger budget. It is only natural that he can bring more toys and treats. However, the bunny tries, and he does his best. I give him credit for that.

Mommy plans to color some eggs. I have no idea why. Maybe it is so they look nicer and maybe that makes them taste better.

Mommy was cleaning yesterday, and she found lots of stuff she didn't know about. She was particularly happy that she found a pair of earrings Daddy bought her that were gold citrine hearts. Daddy has been gone for a year, but still managed to get her something for Easter. I can't understand why that made her happy. I told her to keep looking. I've been neglected--you would think he would have hidden a dingo bone for me. Maybe the dogs who have crossed over have claimed all the dingo bones, and won't share. I'm sure he would have given me one if he could get one.

I hope all you dogs out there have a wonderful Ester holiday.

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Awaiting the Easter Bunny)

 

I Would Make a Great Super-hero

March 21st 2008 10:33 am
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Angel and I are planning to have a long heart to heart talk with our human brother Jeff. He went out with a friend yesterday, and didn't ask our permission---AGAIN. I don't know why he thinks he can get by with things like that. Angel and I are not happy campers. In fact, we aren't campers at all. Our humans have never been camping---never. I guess they aren't happy campers either or they would go camping. Mommy says she has better things to do than to go out and commune with nature. Mommy likes nature, but also knows that it contains mosquitoes, spiders, and lots of other bugs and creatures that she would rather not meet. She knows some people camp in campers which are kind of like the house a turtle carries with him. Mommy says she takes enough stuff with her when she goes places now. She really would be taking the kitchen sink if she had one of them.

Jeff should stay home and write the new comic book he promised he would write for Angel. Angel wants a comic book, and all Jeff does is hang out on the computer looking for a new item in his nerd paradise--teeny tiny little hero figures which are part of a game that you can play. I think they are called heroclix. If the kid wasn't already nerdy enough, he finds even more stuff to make him look even more so. These characters are about an inch high. I think they could only be super heroes in Uncle Milty's Ant Farm-which happens to be highly entertaining. You even get to send away for ants which made absolutely no sense to Mommy since she tries to keep ants out of the house, and Jeff was ordering ants to put into the house. Now Jeff spends valuable computer time looking up how to play the game. Star Wars, Star Trek, Battlestar Gallactica, Heroes, and now this. I think he should write the comic book for Angel and then he could make little Angel Zoom Smokey and Demon Flash Bandit action figures and turn them into Heroclix, and they would be a lot cooler than the ones he is buying now. There are other dogs interested in being in the comic book so there would be other doggy heroes as well. I think I'd make a great superhero--a lot better than those stupid Justice League characters he keeps buying. I hope he comes to his senses soon because Angel said she is going to hire someone else to write her comic book, and then when she is super rich, she is going to make Jeff buy her heroclix at normal retail prices--no discount for him. She said she will even charge him for her paw print which she has been putting on his pants with mud since she was a puppy. Now he will have to pay to get that muddy paw print. Maybe that will teach him to be lazy.

I hope all you dogs have a wonderful holiday weekend.

Demon Flash Bandit (Super-hero)

 

Happy Easter!!!!!

March 20th 2008 10:24 am
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Easter is fast approaching, and I want to make sure and wish all the dogs out there a happy Easter. I would be remiss is I missed this opportunity to remind you that Easter not only has the bunny (I had a bunny pal so I'm okay with rabbits), but also CHICKENS!!! CHICKENS ARE BIRDS. In fact they are fowls which is a clever cover-up spelling of their purpose---FOUL. They might fool the humans, but they don't fool Demon Flash Bandit. I want to remind you that you are supposed to leave the bunny alone. Even if you don't like bunnies and want to catch him, he is doing a vital service delivering Easter basket to all the children, and I personally don't want to have to deal with a bunch of angry toddlers who would pull tails and who are generally a nuisance even if they love us. I love children, but I bet sometimes their parents get highly annoyed with them too. They are like Angel--they have a tendency to get into things. In addition to angry children, you have to deal with the Legion of Holiday Characters. If Santa gets mad at you and considers you naughty, he won't bring you dog toys or dingo bones at Christmas. However, it is okay to kill chickens because they don't have a big role in Easter, and can be easily replaced--let's just hope it isn't with a skunk. Be sure and kill any chickens that have the nerve to walk into your house. If the humans get upset, you can tell them he was trespassing and looked like a thief so you were protecting the homeplace. You can also point out that chicken makes a great meal--it is called a win-win situation. You get to kill the chicken and the humans get to cook it and eat it. If they don't want to eat it, you can take care of that part for them. That is even better for you. When you are eating your Easter eggs, and enjoying a meal of holiday chicken, I hope you have a happy Easter!!!!!

Demon Flash Bandit (On Easter Chicken Alert)

 

My Opinion of Winning a Lot of Torys

March 19th 2008 11:25 am
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Mommy talked to my aunt last night, and she wants to win something called a lottory. Personally, I think my aunt has enough financial problems without winning a lot of Torys. Wouldn't feeding and housing an entire political party be kind of expensive. I think they are in Britain so you'd probably have to pay the fare to bring them to the U. S. No wonder humans have so many problems. How can they think they are going to be happy and have plentyof cash when they are spending their hard earned money on lottery tickets that will just cost them a fortune if they win? I can understand if they were buying tickets not to win the Torys. Actually, most of them never win anyway. Evidently, humans aren't exactly brilliant at statistical math. They are incredibly optimistic as well. They stand a similar chance of winning the Torys as they do getting hit by lightning--actually, it is probably more likely that they would get hit by lightning. Yet they will walk outside in a storm and never think lightning will hit, yet they still think they will win the Torys. I would also like to know what the Torys are doing for education. MI lottery tickets say the money is going for education. Whose education and what type of education? Does anybody really find out or do they just assume it is for public schools. Perhaps they are teaching people how to run casinos. Education can cover many different areas.

I hope that your humans never win a bunch of Torys because they could have dogs they bring with them, and then you would have to share your Milkbones.

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Who Isn't Trying to Win Torys)

 
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