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Adventures of a lead dog

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Random Questions

April 12th 2008 2:22 pm
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It is already time for me to write another entry, and I have so much to write about. I have so many matter of vast importance. Today I will ponder a couple of important issues.
1. What country does Burger King rule? I don't think they have ever announced the country.

2. Why is Miss Piggy in love with Kermit? Does she not realize he is a frog? Does she need glasses?

3. Did Charton Heston take his gun to heaven? Do they have guns in heaven? If they don't have guns there, would he be happy without one?

4. Did George W. have his dog take his IQ test for him? How much money did his dad have to bribe Yale to get them to allow George W. to attend?

5. George W. was charged with DUI in the 70's. Does anyone know how drunk he must have been to get charged with that in the 70's? Was there any blood left in his veins or was it all alcohol?

6. Why do we have to hear about Britney Spears? Is there a quota that says at least one insane person has to be in the news?

7. If Paris Hilton could read and write, would she write a book about her "prison experience", and if she did; if the book took 3 days to write, wouldn't it be longer than the prison experience?

I think I've listed enough to think about today. Have a nice weekend.

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog With Questions)


Angel Thinks Sea Serpents and Sharks Like to be Together

April 11th 2008 9:43 am
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Angel Zoom Smokey is still sticking to her killer shark in the house story. I had to post a message on Samoa's new group, Samoa's Pondside BBQ Bar and Sea Serpent Sighting Pier, that there is probably a shark swimming in the pond with the sea monster. I think Angel is sticking to her silly story to make sure she doesn't get in trouble for ruining the stuffed shark, and chewing up the USB cable. Mommy may fall for it, but not Demon Flash Bandit. I only posted for her because if I don't, she will give me puppy slaps of justice which is what she calls her puppy slaps. She thinks if it is announced by me, it will give it more credibility since I"m running for President. Evidently, she doesn't know how what people think of most of the human candidates. I am fortunate that I don't get that stigma since I'm a dog.

Mommy was reading about some up-coming local activities. I had no problem with the canoeing to Adventure Island one, but one was entitled, Breakfast With the Birds. How can a sane person want to have breakfast while listening to the awful sound of birds singing? When are humans going to understand the evil of birds? Did no one see that Alfred Hitchcock movie, The Birds? I think theatres should bring that movie in for a special showing so people can see the threat. This whole subject has me depressed. I think I"ll go take a nap. When will the humans ever see how evil birds are? Are humans that stupid?........are they capable of learning?.......why do they vote such an idiot into the Presidency? schools ever teach the humans how to think for themselves? the prejudice against us dogs caused by our superior intelligence of which the humans are jealous?.....has anyone bothered to count the question marks in this entry?.......How many are there?.....see that, I knew I could make you count them.....I knew you humans didn't have a life.......why am I still writing when I could be napping?.....good point.....zzzzzz

Demon Flash Bandit (Doesn't Believe the Killer Shark Story)


Adventures With Angel Zoom Smokey

April 10th 2008 9:37 am
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Today's entry is going to be about the other dog in the house, Angel Zoom Smokey. The reason it is about her is that she had a zany day yesterday, and I think it will be very entertaining to all the dogs reading my entry. Angel Zoom Smokey is what I like to call a BAD PUPPY. Yesterday she was up to her usual antics. Mommy was on the computer or a couple of hours. While Mommy was on the computer, Angel jumped and got one of Mommy's stuffed animals which happened to be a hammerhead shark that Mommy got at the Aquarium in Chattanooga. It was actually out of her reach, but Angel is an agile jumper, and manages to get into a lot of forbidden stuff because of her jumping ability. Anyway, Mommy walked into the room to find that the shark was missing his eyes, and the "hammers" protruding on each side of his head had been chewed on. If that weren't enough, she also chewed the cord that connects the digital camera to the computer so you can up-load photos. (Mommy has already purchased a replacement). When Mommy got off the computer and saw the mayhem, she told Angel she was a bad dog. I was hoping maybe she would suggest an electric chair or maybe a gullotine. I even suggested the two possiblilities. Mommy didn't even hit her. Believe me, I was seriously disappointed that Mommy shows such love and patience with the puppy. I was yelling for her to fry. Okay, I do like her, but I also like to yell let her fry. I could always bring in a bird for frying so it is a great phrase.

Now for the funny part. Angel was caught sitting next to the shark with the missing eyes. Do you know what she told Mommy? She said the shark bit the cord so she grabbed the shark and was giving him a stern lecture when she turned her tail for a minute. When she did, a spaceship hovered overhead and the aliens beamed down just long enough to take the shark's eyes and some samples from his hammerhead for research. She said she has been falsely accused and it is merely circumstantial evidence that won't stand up in court. The fact that she expected us to believe that nutty story still makes me laugh. I don't think I've laughed so much since Angel fell over when she sat down. It is very funny when Angel does an extremely graceful jump through the air. Then she gets to her distination and goes to sit down and falls over. I know Angel Zoom Smokey can be very silly at times, but she can also be a lot of fun. I've just got to make her realize that I"m the lead dog. It even says so on my diary title.

I've got to go and see what new trouble Angel Zoom Smokey has gotten into.

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Who Knows a Lie When He Hears One)


The Demon Flash Bandit Show

April 9th 2008 9:46 am
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Here I am starring in my own tv sitcom, The Demon Flash Bandit Show. I happen to be a handsome young rich playboy who spends my time entertaining all the lovely young girl dogs. I felt I needed to play a role that will show my talent as an actor since I normally wouldn't be surrounded by beautiful young girl dogs. It isn't like I'm trying to fulfill some fantasy. That would be silly. This is a comedy because all the girls are really silly, and they do silly things to get my attention. Who could blame them? Every girl wants to be with Demon Flash Bandit. I think the show will be a big hit. The network suggested I have some kind of job. Do they think I'm an idiot? I think my main job should be entertaining the girl dogs. Humans are so stupid. I'm already practicing my speech when I get my award for being the best. I don't believe in waiting until the last minute.

Demon Flash Bandit (TV STAR)


Dogs are Super at Decorating.

April 7th 2008 10:11 am
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Jeff and Mommy went to a movie last night. They saw, Superhero, which they said it was funny. Of course, it was funny. I wasn't the star. Any dog with half a brain knows that dogs are the heroes and we are the ones who are super. The humans try to make themselves into superheroes, but they are humans not dogs. I think it is a case of "dog envy" which is a severe psychological problem that most humans have if they have any brains at all. I know if I were a human, I would want to be a dog. I hate to brag, but all us dogs know that we are superior, but we try not to show it when humans are around because we are modest about our superiority.

Who put humans in charge of interior decorating? They have no taste. All us dogs know that some muddy footprints give that air of elegance to a carpet. You can't buy that kind of decorating expertise at the store that sells carpet. The mills haven't yet realized how lovely it would be to pre-print paw prints on the carpet. We have to fix it when it comes home. Have you ever toured a model home with a rawhide bone or squeaky toy placed in strategic spots in a room? It gives a room that "lived in" effect that decorators try to hard to achieve, but miss completely. Oh yeah, setting a magazine on a table really makes the room look good. Knowing the humans, it isn't even a dog magazine. Some of them will read anything. BORING!!! Angel said she thinks a room looks better with an indoor pool. Maybe she has a point. An indoor pool can add thousands to the value of a house, and I bet the humans don't appreciate our efforts to give them an indoor pool either. What idiots!!!

Demon Flash Bandit (Super Decorating Dog)


Humans Crates

April 6th 2008 10:18 am
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It is already time for another diary entry and I know all you dogs out there are waiting for the latest wisdom from Demon Flash Bandit. Now for those words of wisdom: burgers, burgers, and more burgers. Tell your humans to take you to Burger King to get some burgers. I know you humans won't recognize the wisdom of those words, but my peers will understand how intelligent I am as soon as they hear those words. Speaking of peers, why is it that if a dog is accused of a crime, there is no jury of his peers? According to law, a person is supposed to be tried by a jury of his peers. That means that if a dog is accused of a crime, he should be tried by a jury of dogs. I don't believe a dog has ever served on a jury. (I have heard humans would rather let dogs serve than having to do it themselves--it is about as popular an activity as a root canal so why not let the dogs serve on jury duty instead of the humans?) Anyway, I think the judicial system would be much better off with dog jurys and more cowbells. Remember, I said cowbells--now cows. We don't need Elsie running around the courtrooms mooing at everyone.

Mommy heard about the Oprah program about puppy mills and how horriby the dogs are treated. I think the judicial system needs to make the punishment fit the crime. Therefore, the humans who run puppy mills should be treated the way they treated the dogs. I think a cell that doesn't give them room to move would be very appropriate since they don't bother to give the dog room to move around. I am normally a very forgiving dog, but the things some people do for money just makes my blood boil, and we huskys hate to have boiling blood. We like our blood cold-with ice, and a rawhide bone--shaken not stirred. Angel would be willing to give out some puppy slaps of justice to those jerks. I think that would be wonderful since it would keep her from puppy slapping yours truly.

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Who Enjoy Dispensing Justice)


Does a Dinosaur Really Need to Sing?

April 5th 2008 10:56 am
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I know you have probably heard about the dinosaurs which used to roam the Earth until some dogs decided that their bones made great chew toys (this was before the days of rawhide bones). They are extinct today, and you can only see their bones in museums, and we aren't allowed to enjoy a nice chew on a dinosaur bone. There is one notable exception to the extinction. I saw a dinosaur on tv the other day. He was purple and his name was Barney. He was singing a very annoying song about how much he likes everyone, and how much everyone likes him. The problem with his song is that he never asked me how I felt about him. I didn't like him. Is this what tv is teaching human children? They are supposed to watch a purple dinosaur and sing annoying songs. No wonder children need babysitters. Sure, there is a lot of love in the world, and a lot of nice people, but there are vilians too. Does Barney teach the children to kill birds? I"m sure birds are singing happily in Barney World. Be sure and listen to the wisdom of Demon Flash Bandit==birds must die.

Demon Flash Bandit (Not a Barney Fan)


A Tomato Looks Innocent But...........

April 4th 2008 9:55 am
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I watch a lot of tv documentaries, and it still amazes me that the humans can watch them and it seems like they have absolutely no effect on the humans' behavior. The case in point today is the 3 documentaries I have seen on killer tomatoes. Jeff says they are even planning to re-make it, and I hope it has a huge budget so maybe the humans will take it more seriously. I also hope they don't change their mind about making it because this is a very scary scenerio. I know a tomato looks innocent, but you should see the mayhem these horrible little fruits (which most of us consider veggies) have done in the areas where the film crews have went to film the carnage. Instead of people eating tomatoes, the tomatoes are eating people. You'd think the humans would divert a large portion of the national budget to this problem, but instead the money is spent on stupid stuff---like the money George W. is spending to meet Mr. Mxyzptlk from the Superman comics. He is from the 5th Dimension, and he talks funny so George W. thinks he is very cool, and the gazillion dollars it takes to bring him here is well worth it. He announced that he is a funny little guy, and he likes him. He might actually be the only person left who supports George W.'s presidency which is also a plus. I think he also has plans to bring that little alien from The Flintstones here because he wants to get not only an alien perspective of humor, but also a historical perspective. Who better to bring history alive than someone from the era of the Flintstones. Personally, I'd want to talk to Fred or Barney, but I have a brain that works. Back to the important issue of killer tomatoes. they must be stopped. I think the military needs to pull out of Iraq and go after these horrible tomatoes before it is too late. I also think that we should make sure there isn't any other killer veggies out there. I'd hate to end the tomato threat just to discover that there are killer cucumbers and killer lettuce. Those 3 put together could make a killer salad. Lucky for me, I don't like tomatoes, and I'm not a salad eating dog. What if the salad ingredients kill the people at Burger King so I can't get a burger when I go through drive-thru? I didn't think about it affecting my ability to get a burger. This menace has to be stopped===NOW!!! All you dogs, when you see a tomato, grab it and throw it at a bird. Maybe we can kill both evils with one "tomato". I bet you thought I would say stone. Speaking of Superman, George W. is the best President ever in Bizarro World (which for those of you who don't know, it is the opposite of our world). Never let it be said that I haven't said something kind about George W. Bush.

Demon Flash Bandit (Tomatoes Better not Hurt Burger King Employees)


A Dog Needs to Make Sure the Neighborhood is Safe

April 3rd 2008 2:59 pm
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Mommy went shopping yesterday, and returned with Burger King, new stuffed sqeaky toys, mint bones, and a box of milkbones. It is almost worth letting her out the door. Note, I said almost--I'm still not completely sure it is worth it. Can Burger King be delivered?

I am a little antsy today. The neighbors 2 doors down have 2 German Shepherds, and they have been barking today so I really want to get out and see what they are barking at. Maybe there has been an alien invasion of the neighborhood, and we dogs may be needed to save the Earth from impending doom. Maybe there is an ice cream truck (even better). I would like to go outside and see. It is a nice day. Sometimes on nice days, there are hot air balloons that take off from the lake down the street. I like to watch them. They make a whoosh noise when they go by. Sometimes there are 15 or 20 of them in the air. Late in June, the town has a Balloonfest. Dogs are allowed, but Jeff has only taken me once when I was a puppy. He said I get too excited and don't behave. Do any of you dogs really believe that he would spread vicious lies like that about me? The things I have to put up with around here!!

Jeff is out for the day. I think Mommy should put a stop to his taking off, but she says he is old enough to go out if he wants to. Angel said he didn't ask her, and she says she doesn't think he should be allowed to run loose at the age of 22. I think she is right. Isn't 2 and 2 only 4. Mommy needs to learn basic arithmetic. I'm 4, and I don't get to run loose.

Thanks for the Pinwheel Snickers, Charity, and family. Badger, thanks for the bird. I fully plan to kill that little varmint. It was very thoughtful of you. I still say Dogster should have made it a dead bird so we dogs wouldn't have to go to so much trouble to kill it. I know they meant well. but birds should die.

I think I'll go see what Angel Zoom Smokey is doing. She is being very, very quiet--never a good sign with her.

Demon Flash Bandit (Advocate of Burger King Home Delivery)


Repulican Party's New Mascot

April 2nd 2008 10:31 am
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As my readers know, I'm running for President. I feel it is my duty to let my constituency know what is going on with the present administration. This happens to be very depressing for me since things aren't good. I hate to report bad news, but there isn't any good news to report except that I will be replacing the lame duck as soon as the elections are over. Yes, I'm very confident because I think a lot of dogs want to see another dog in office. I am going to comment on some internet headlines today. First, the head human of the federal reserve says we could be heading for a recession. What a brilliant observation, Mr. Stupid!! This country has been in a recession, and will continue to be in one because it is being run by complete idiots who have no idea what is going on. Of course, they have managed to make some money for themselves in the process.
The Democrats are trying to get some legislation passed to help people who are going to lose their home due to the "economic down-turn". They can't get the legislation passed because the Republicans are fillabustering it. We can run up the national deficit to continue a war that George W. announced had been won years ago. I thought when a war is won, you quit fighting. I guess no one explained that to our commander in stupidity. I think the Republicans should shut up and help fix the problems they created instead of standing in the way of fixing their mess. I have also decided that the Republicans need a new mascot. The mascot change is important because the elephants are beginning to protest being linked to so many stupid decisions. Seeing elephants walking around holding signs in their trunks that say,"We are not Affiliated with the Republican Party" is getting out of hand. I don't want to see an elephant march on Washington DC. I realize the party needs a mascot so I have chosen an inanimate object to replace the elephant. The party's new mascot should be a hot air balloon. This is in honor of their filibustering of any legislation that might actually helpt the average American. Hot air balloons are an expensive item so they fit the part of the wealthy very well. I have nothing against the weathy, but they don't need aide. They may not need it, but the govt. gives wealthy corporations more aide than it gives to the poor. The United States govt is definitely not Robin Hood. The U. S. takes from the middle class to give to the wealthy, and then it throws a few dollars to the poor to keep them placated. Then they tell the middle class that it is the fault of the poor. DC is filled with so many liars and con artists that the Devil doesn't bother to go there because they are so talented, they don't even need his input.

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Who Thinks Congress Should Get Things Done)

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