Adventures of a lead dog

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A Dog Needs to Make Sure the Neighborhood is Safe

April 3rd 2008 2:59 pm
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Mommy went shopping yesterday, and returned with Burger King, new stuffed sqeaky toys, mint bones, and a box of milkbones. It is almost worth letting her out the door. Note, I said almost--I'm still not completely sure it is worth it. Can Burger King be delivered?

I am a little antsy today. The neighbors 2 doors down have 2 German Shepherds, and they have been barking today so I really want to get out and see what they are barking at. Maybe there has been an alien invasion of the neighborhood, and we dogs may be needed to save the Earth from impending doom. Maybe there is an ice cream truck (even better). I would like to go outside and see. It is a nice day. Sometimes on nice days, there are hot air balloons that take off from the lake down the street. I like to watch them. They make a whoosh noise when they go by. Sometimes there are 15 or 20 of them in the air. Late in June, the town has a Balloonfest. Dogs are allowed, but Jeff has only taken me once when I was a puppy. He said I get too excited and don't behave. Do any of you dogs really believe that he would spread vicious lies like that about me? The things I have to put up with around here!!

Jeff is out for the day. I think Mommy should put a stop to his taking off, but she says he is old enough to go out if he wants to. Angel said he didn't ask her, and she says she doesn't think he should be allowed to run loose at the age of 22. I think she is right. Isn't 2 and 2 only 4. Mommy needs to learn basic arithmetic. I'm 4, and I don't get to run loose.

Thanks for the Pinwheel Snickers, Charity, and family. Badger, thanks for the bird. I fully plan to kill that little varmint. It was very thoughtful of you. I still say Dogster should have made it a dead bird so we dogs wouldn't have to go to so much trouble to kill it. I know they meant well. but birds should die.

I think I'll go see what Angel Zoom Smokey is doing. She is being very, very quiet--never a good sign with her.

Demon Flash Bandit (Advocate of Burger King Home Delivery)

 

Repulican Party's New Mascot

April 2nd 2008 10:31 am
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As my readers know, I'm running for President. I feel it is my duty to let my constituency know what is going on with the present administration. This happens to be very depressing for me since things aren't good. I hate to report bad news, but there isn't any good news to report except that I will be replacing the lame duck as soon as the elections are over. Yes, I'm very confident because I think a lot of dogs want to see another dog in office. I am going to comment on some internet headlines today. First, the head human of the federal reserve says we could be heading for a recession. What a brilliant observation, Mr. Stupid!! This country has been in a recession, and will continue to be in one because it is being run by complete idiots who have no idea what is going on. Of course, they have managed to make some money for themselves in the process.
The Democrats are trying to get some legislation passed to help people who are going to lose their home due to the "economic down-turn". They can't get the legislation passed because the Republicans are fillabustering it. We can run up the national deficit to continue a war that George W. announced had been won years ago. I thought when a war is won, you quit fighting. I guess no one explained that to our commander in stupidity. I think the Republicans should shut up and help fix the problems they created instead of standing in the way of fixing their mess. I have also decided that the Republicans need a new mascot. The mascot change is important because the elephants are beginning to protest being linked to so many stupid decisions. Seeing elephants walking around holding signs in their trunks that say,"We are not Affiliated with the Republican Party" is getting out of hand. I don't want to see an elephant march on Washington DC. I realize the party needs a mascot so I have chosen an inanimate object to replace the elephant. The party's new mascot should be a hot air balloon. This is in honor of their filibustering of any legislation that might actually helpt the average American. Hot air balloons are an expensive item so they fit the part of the wealthy very well. I have nothing against the weathy, but they don't need aide. They may not need it, but the govt. gives wealthy corporations more aide than it gives to the poor. The United States govt is definitely not Robin Hood. The U. S. takes from the middle class to give to the wealthy, and then it throws a few dollars to the poor to keep them placated. Then they tell the middle class that it is the fault of the poor. DC is filled with so many liars and con artists that the Devil doesn't bother to go there because they are so talented, they don't even need his input.

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Who Thinks Congress Should Get Things Done)

 

Trash or Treasure??????

April 1st 2008 10:28 am
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I'm sure most of you dogs out there have pondered many important philosophical questions. I know you know what I'm talking about--things that have been making dogs wonder from the beginning of time. One of those questions (and yes, they often involve the humans' behavior) is: if you don't want the dog to get into the garbage can, why do you continue to put treasures into it? I know there isn't a dog out there who hasn't peeked into a garbage can and thought, "why are the humans throwing out such a valuable item?". Yet if you try to rescue the item, they get all upset and tell you to stay out of the garbage. That is like telling a pirate not to raid a ship filled with gold. Are they sane? Do they have any sense at all? I, Demon Flash Bandit, have your answer. They may be sane, but they have the intelligence of a rock. Yes, I said it--- A ROCK. As most of you have observed, rocks are very stupid. People used to own pet rocks (they actually bought them when they could have picked them up off the ground--tell me that isn't the ultimate of stupidity). The pet rocks couldn't do anything, and people loved them. No wonder they throw away trash. Some of these people were so dumb they even bought pet rocks. Is it any wonder they throw treasures away? The head idiot is running the country now. By the way, I'm glad Dewayne Johnson has quit calling himself the Rock--Demon Flash Bandit happens to like your movies. Sly, I will overlook your "Rocky" because I like that character also. Be sure and vote for me for President. We can't continue letting the humans run things.

Demon Flash Bandit (Treasure Hunter)

 

Spring is On Its Way--Tell it to Go Away!!!!

March 31st 2008 9:58 am
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I know all you dogs are anxiously awaiting this entry. You are on the edge of your tails wondering what the latest exploits of Demon Flash Bandit have been. First and foremost, I've had some good naps, I've anwered some paw-mail, and I've been annoyed by Angel Zoom Smokey. That sums up my weekend. The weather, though still dreary and gloomy, is getting worse. It will soon be spring, and the flowers will be blooming, the birds will be singing, and I"ll be annoyed that winter is gone. We huskies happen to love winter. I love the feel of snow on my paws, snow flakes touching my fur, the cold wind on my face, and the water turning to ice. Then spring comes and ruins all the wonderful weather. The birds taunt me with their spring songs: "We are stealing your snow", they all sing in chorus. I am fed up with those birds and their antics. They are such evil creatures. I hope all you dogs out there are doing your part to rid the world of the evil bird menace. I've got to go take a nap and dream of Alaska.

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Who Loves Winter)

 

Agents Should Be Able to Find a Better Role for a Dog)

March 30th 2008 10:46 am
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Mommy has been watching the first season of The Waltons, and I want to know why their dog stayed on the show. The main times they give their faithful hunting dog any spotlight at all, he is hurt. His name is Wreckless, and I think the name applies to the humans more than the dog. In one episode, an old army buddy of John Walton visits and they go out hunting for a fox that is getting the chickens. Of course, the old army buddy shoots Wreckless by mistake, and leaves him laying there bleeding to death. He finally tells John and John Boy (with a name like John boy, you'd think he was the dog) about shooting the dog. They make it just in time to save the dog. If I were Wreckless, i would have been on the phone to my agent after the first episode. Did the dog read that script ahead of time? I would have declined being on that program. I know it was set during the Depression, but wasn't it an economic depression? From the show, I'd assume it was a Dog Depression because, I don't even think the dog was allowed in the house. Sure, they had a millionzillion kids, but a dog might mess up the place. They let a baby duck live inside, and there were a bunch of tadpoles that they brought into the house. The dog had to stay outside. Where is the justice?
I would also like to add that they were always talking about the depression and money being hard to find. Either this was not an accurate depiction of poor people during the depression or those stories my Mommy had to hear every time she asked for money were lies. Thanks to George W. Bush, we may all get to re-live those depression days because he seems to have no clue how to handle money. The moral of this is: don't put a spoiled rich kid into the white house who has had to have all his business failures bailed out for him. It helps if the person if office understands money. Money is meant for things like dog toys and dingo bones. George W. is such an idiot!!! There are actually 2 morals to this entry. Dogs, read the script before you take the part.

Demon Flash Bandit (Wreckless Should Have Called His Agent)

 

Febreze Group

March 29th 2008 7:54 am
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I'm sorry about not writing my entry yesterday. I didn't even answer all my paw-mail, and I still have an item in my advice group that I didn't even get to read. The computer lost all the windows, and I got fed up and turned it off for the day. Things like that interfere with a dog's nap time, and if you read many of my entries, you know how much I love my nap time.

I do want to say hello to my new pal Raja who happens to be a very intelligent dog which of course means that she agrees with me on most subjects. There are very few dogs who don't agree with me. Most think I should be President so I know that we dogs are far more intelligent than other species.

Mommy had Chinese food Thursday night and then she went to a movie. The movie was Drillbit Taylor. She enjoyed her night out. William came and stayed with us.

Yesterday, Mommy got the free gifts for signing up with the Febreze group. If any of you dogs haven't done so, join the group. The gifts are very nice. I am wearing the Febreze bandana, and the gifts included a lot of cool stuff---even a dog toy. Those people must like us dogs a lot. I plan to spray the Febreze on the humans so they smell better. I think the humans have gotten it mixed up. It is "'pet spray" which means the pets spray the humans. Humans always think everything is meant for them. What idiots!!!

It snowed here Monday night. I guess those pesky birds haven't taken all our snow yet. I'm hoping we get more. I wish Mommy shared my love of snow. Then I could persuade her to move to Alaska.

I hope all you dogs have a wonderful weekend, and don't forget to tell your doggy pals who aren't on Dogter to vote for me.

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Who Enjoys Gifts)

 

Collectibles?????

March 27th 2008 10:44 am
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I know all the dogs out there will agree with me when I say that we dogs enjoy playing with balls. They are those little round objects which we enjoy so much. Humans like to play too, but they don't usually relish it with the kind of enthusiasm we dogs have. If a dog has a collection of balls, they are for playing, eating, and destroying. My humans have baseballs which are autographed (no, there are no cars anywhere around them so I don't quite get the autograph thing). These balls are in protective little stands so they don't get messed up. They don't even touch them. They have "autographs" of a bunch of different baseball players. There is even an autographed bat that was played in a Detroit Tigers game by one of the "scab" players during the baseball strike a few years ago. I'm a good dog so I leave them alone, but I would like to understand the concept of why we dogs can't enjoy playing with them. Angel would love to get her paws on one of them. She said she is getting tired of just destroying Mommy's stuffed animals and would like to move on to other things. Mommy even has a autographed football and she hates football. It is a "special" Coca Cola football signed by some football player. Why do humans collect things that we dogs know were meant to be played with, enjoyed, and then chewed into a thousand little pieces? The humans enjoy "looking at the item". No wonder the humans are often depressed. They don't know how to enjoy life. Humans could learn a lot from us dogs. By the way, I believe the President throws out the first ball of the season when baseball season starts. Does George W. have someone else do it for him? I'm just wondering because he seems to be so big on fighting with everyone, but when there was a war going on when he was young, he seems to have missed it completely. On a side note, if Angel ends up in jail for destroying a baseball, I think she should be bailed out. A baseball is a lot of temptation for a puppy.

Demon Flash Bandit (Why Is a Ball a Collectible?)

 

Dogs Want to Receive a DEAD Bird!!!!

March 26th 2008 10:49 am
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The people at Dogster have made me very upset. They actually have a singing bird as a gift for spring. It made my blood boil, and huskies don't want to get that hot. I know there are humans running dogster, and they are totally clueless, but shouldn't they know how we dogs feel about birds? I'm not the only dog who doesn't like them. The bunny is okay. I had a pet bunny, and even dogs who go after bunnies don't think they are evil--they just enjoy chasing bunnies (also chipmunks, squrrels, and other small animals). Birds fly around taunting dogs even when they aren't stealing snow. Birds think they are so much better than the rest of us because they can fly. Big deal. So can I if I go to the airport and get a ticket. I don't go around acting all snobby about it. I wouldn't mind if dogster had a dead bird laying on its little back. I want to remind you not to get too mad at the dogster administration. Humans are supid and easily fooled, and the birds are taking advantage of their stupidity. I hate those evil little feathered varmints.

Demon Flash Bandit (What Is Dogster Thinking?)

 

Economic Down-Sizing

March 25th 2008 10:34 am
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As many of my loyal readers know, I prefer eating at Burger King, and I used to eat there everyday. Since Daddy died, Mommy has been cutting back on spending so guess who suffers---yeah, you got it--the Deemster. Now I get Burger King 1 to 3 days a week. I decided to call social services to explain how lousy my life has become and get some Burger King gift certificates. I hope you dogs are sitting down when you read this, but they don't give them to dogs. In fact, they don't give certificates for restaurants at all. They are for groceries. All us dogs know about the discrimination we face, but who would have guessed that we dogs aren't important enough to the govt. for them to give us gift certificates for Burger King? I don't always want grilled chicken. The lady I talked to seemed totally unconcerned with my plight, and told me that I'm a dog, and she doesn't even have to talk to a dog because we don't qualify for anything. WE AREN'T EVEN TAX DEDUCTIONS FOR OUR HUMANS!!!!!!! Can you believe it? We are so unimportant to the govt. that they don't even seem to acknowledge our very existence. No wonder I don't have secret service people protecting me in my presidential campaign. They probably don't even admit I'm running. When I get in, something will be done about this silly, "dogs don't qualify for help attitude". I will also make a law that if the humans get caught stealing the dog's Burger King certificates, they will be punished to the maximum extent of the law. I'm not sure what that means, but I heard it on tv and it sounds good, doesn't it? You know some humans will sneak their dogs certificates and then try to feed their dogs dog food. Those humans should and will be punished under my administration. I also want to add that we are so "unimportant" to the govt when it comes to watching out for us yet you always hear about the President's pets. Even Richard Nixon had a dog. Most of them like to pose with the pets. You've seen the photos. The President with his loyal dog laying next to him. We are important when they need photos made to make them look good, but we are pushed aside the rest of the time. I think I speak for all us dogs when I say we are tired of this kind of treatment, and we will not rest until it ends. When a dog can walk into any place he or she wants to without fear of being kicked out, then it will be a country that a dog can be proud of. Be sure and vote for Demon Flash Bandit/Angel Zoom Smokey for President/Vice-President. I want to thank all of my pals who are supporting me.

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Who Should Get Burger King EVERY DAY)

 

I Wanted to Go Up North Too!!!

March 24th 2008 10:43 am
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Easter is over, and I hope all you dogs out there had a fun Easter. Mommy tried to feed me an egg, and I absolutely refused to eat it. Why should I eat a chicken egg when she could give me a candy egg. Mommy needs to get with the program. Angel was stuffing down the chicken eggs. She loves them. I thought it was great. She could get filled up (if that is possible) on them and then when the candy eggs are given out, I'll eat hers too. I've given this matter some thought. When it comes to candy, the Deemster contemplates things in advance.

Mommy and Jeff went to West Branch, MI for Easter. They left me with William. Angel and I were ready to visit their friends too. In fact, Mommy said it started snowing there, and she had to drive home more slowly because the roads were getting covered with snow. Doesn't she realize that Angel and I are SNOW DOGS? We could have pulled the van home in an emergency. Okay, we could have, but we would have told Mommy to call AAA because that is what emergency road service is for. Besides, I'd prefer napping inside the car. Snow is much more fun if you are playing in it--not having to work. Pulling a van with humans in it sounds like a lot of work to me. Of course, I told Mommy how helpful we would have been in that scenerio. It is so easy to fool the humans.

We did get new toys for Easter. I was hoping for a chocolate bunny, but I didn't get one. I suspect the bunny left me one and Mommy took it for herself. I think the humans have safes filled with chocolate that they have taken from us dogs. I need to learn safe cracking so I can get to the candy. A dog should be able to enjoy a bite of candy without having to ask the humans' permission. I will never understand who made them think they are in charge when they are our intellectual inferiors. Remember to vote for me for President.

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Who Should Have Went Up North)

 
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