Adventures of a lead dog

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The Coyote Should Win Over a Roadrunner

April 17th 2008 6:52 am
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I was working on my science projects (invisibility and mind control for the dogs who might not read every entry) when I took a break and I was watching The Coyote Show. I'm guessing most of you have seen it. It has this wonderful coyote (who happens to look a bit like a dog, and he chases this horrible Roadrunner (an evil bird) and he never quite seems to catch the bird. Granted, it is an awful story, but I did get an idea. I'm going to go to the Acme website and see if they already have a mind control machine, and maybe also an invisibility potion. Once I've checked out their website, I might just go help that coyote catch that stupid bird. Another important mission for Demon Flash Bandit, dog to the rescue.

Demon Flash Bandit (Rescue Dog)

 

Mind Control

April 16th 2008 1:49 pm
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I worked on my invisibility project for an hour yesterday and an hour today. I still haven't found the solution to becoming invisible. It might take a couple more hours for me to find the solution. I never thought it would be take this much time and trouble.
Because the invisibility project isn't going as well as planned, I decided I would try a different tactic. I decided to make a mind control machine. I had another moment when a light bulb went off over my head. Of course I was standing under the light fixture so I guess it wasn't really that unusual. Anyway, I thought if I could control the humans' minds, I could still do anything I want to and I wouldn't need to be invisible. It is called having 2 plans: plan A and plan B in case plan A doesn't work. If being invisible turns out to be too much trouble to solve, I can just control the humans minds so I can still do anything I want to, and they will think it is okay. I am going to start work on it now. How hard can it be? It isn't like the humans are as smart as us dogs. They haven't even learned that you are less likely to fall if you walk on all 4 paws. Even cats have learned that, and cats are pretty dumb too, but not as dumb as humans. Wouldn't it be cute to have the humans do tricks? Sit person, Stay. Roll over. How do you like being degraded for a treat? I have to stop writing so I can start on my new "Plan B" project. I'll keep you dogs posted as to how it turns out.

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog In Charge)

 

Invisibility

April 15th 2008 8:46 am
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I have been working on a very scientific project in my laboratory. Okay, I don't have a laboratory, but it sounds so much better than just saying I was working on a project, and I don't even have a laboratory. How much respect would I get from the scientific community when all of them have labs--and I'm not talking about the dog breed? Anyway, my project is to find a way to become invisible. I was relaxing which is an activity I heartily enjoy when the idea came to me. If I were invisible, I could do whatever I want to whenever I want to. Instead of me having to stay home when Mommy or Jeff goes somewhere, I could slip out of the house, and be in the car, and no one would know because they wouldn't be able to see me. I could go into the restaurants and stores. I could sneak people's food at the restaurant, and they wouldn't know what happened to their dinner. It would be so perfect. I would never get in trouble because Mommy would never be able to see me get into trouble. What she can't see, she doesn't know about. HAHA

Evidently, this idea has been considered in the past. I believe some guy named Einstein had some theories on it, but I know Einstein isn't as intelligent as I am because, I've learned from my sources, he wasn't a dog. I know you may be thinking, Einstein is a dog. He was in the first Back to the Future movie. Yes, there was a dog named Einstein, but he was named for the human genius named Einstein. The dog didn't formulate any theories. Mommy actually has a stuffed Einstein she bought at Universal Studios Park in Orlando. Mommy didn't even have a dog back then, but she had good taste in buying stuffed animals. Who needs a bear when you can have a dog?

I need to get back to my original topic. I thought it would be a simple task for a smart dog like me to become invisible so you can imagine my astonishment when I found out it isn't so easy. I spent an entire half hour experimenting and contemplating how to do it, and then I decided that I had wasted enough time and I decided to take a nap. Maybe I'll try again another day. I wonder what Mommy would think when she sees candy "floating" in the air fly by. When I invent the process, I'll be sharing it with all my doggy friends so you can sneak good human snacks. I'll be back to write another entry tomorrow, but you may not see me. HAHA

Demon Flash Bandit (Wants to be Invisible Dog)

 

The Rise of the Squeaky Toys

April 14th 2008 10:13 am
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I was just relaxing around the house when the unthinkable happened. THE SQUEAKY TOYS WENT ON A RAMPAGE. They were running through the house squeaking and squacking and threatening all kinds of destruction. Mommy didn't even know there was danger because they never do it when she can see them. They wait until she is out of the room. I couldn't believe the things these toys were planning to do. They were taunting me with their threats. They were even worse than the average bird, and my readers know how much I hate birds. I bet after they destroyed the house, they would steal my snow. I couldn't let this continue. I grabbed the nearest toy and tore the stuffing out of it. Angel came to help me with this project. She also heard the toys taunting and threatening us dogs. We managed to rip up all the toys in that room before Mommy came in. The room looked like it was covered with snow (it was a definite improvement in the appearance of the room). We had won. The toys wouldn't be able to carry out their awful plans. Angel and I are heroes. We won the epic Battle of the Squeaky Toys. The planet is saved thanks to Demon Flash Bandit with some help from Angel Zoom Smokey.

Demon Flash Bandit (Saving the World Again)

 

I Learned to Play the Saxophone

April 13th 2008 1:49 pm
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Hello to all the wonderful dogs out there-and the humans who are intelligent enough to have a dog in your life. I just had a nice conversation with Sadie, and she will be on bird alert. They are stealing our snow here in MI and leaving us with nasty sunny weather. That horrible season, spring, hasn't actually arrived yet, but it is coming, and I'm annoyed that the birds have once again won. I will continue my mission to kill all those little snow stealing feathered theives.

I had a lovely time at Samoa's Barbeque and Sea Serpent Sighting Pier. I ordered a chocolate sundae and a chocolate milkshake. I played the sax, and then I got some dogs registered for voting so they can vote for me. We don't want another human running things. Remember to vote dog--Demon Flash Bandit--dog for President.

I hope all the dogs reading this are having a wonderful weekend. I will bark at you again tomorrow.

Demon Flash Bandit (Sax Playing Dog)

 

Random Questions

April 12th 2008 2:22 pm
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It is already time for me to write another entry, and I have so much to write about. I have so many matter of vast importance. Today I will ponder a couple of important issues.
1. What country does Burger King rule? I don't think they have ever announced the country.

2. Why is Miss Piggy in love with Kermit? Does she not realize he is a frog? Does she need glasses?

3. Did Charton Heston take his gun to heaven? Do they have guns in heaven? If they don't have guns there, would he be happy without one?

4. Did George W. have his dog take his IQ test for him? How much money did his dad have to bribe Yale to get them to allow George W. to attend?

5. George W. was charged with DUI in the 70's. Does anyone know how drunk he must have been to get charged with that in the 70's? Was there any blood left in his veins or was it all alcohol?

6. Why do we have to hear about Britney Spears? Is there a quota that says at least one insane person has to be in the news?

7. If Paris Hilton could read and write, would she write a book about her "prison experience", and if she did; if the book took 3 days to write, wouldn't it be longer than the prison experience?

I think I've listed enough to think about today. Have a nice weekend.

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog With Questions)

 

Angel Thinks Sea Serpents and Sharks Like to be Together

April 11th 2008 9:43 am
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Angel Zoom Smokey is still sticking to her killer shark in the house story. I had to post a message on Samoa's new group, Samoa's Pondside BBQ Bar and Sea Serpent Sighting Pier, that there is probably a shark swimming in the pond with the sea monster. I think Angel is sticking to her silly story to make sure she doesn't get in trouble for ruining the stuffed shark, and chewing up the USB cable. Mommy may fall for it, but not Demon Flash Bandit. I only posted for her because if I don't, she will give me puppy slaps of justice which is what she calls her puppy slaps. She thinks if it is announced by me, it will give it more credibility since I"m running for President. Evidently, she doesn't know how what people think of most of the human candidates. I am fortunate that I don't get that stigma since I'm a dog.

Mommy was reading about some up-coming local activities. I had no problem with the canoeing to Adventure Island one, but one was entitled, Breakfast With the Birds. How can a sane person want to have breakfast while listening to the awful sound of birds singing? When are humans going to understand the evil of birds? Did no one see that Alfred Hitchcock movie, The Birds? I think theatres should bring that movie in for a special showing so people can see the threat. This whole subject has me depressed. I think I"ll go take a nap. When will the humans ever see how evil birds are? Are humans that stupid?........are they capable of learning?.......why do they vote such an idiot into the Presidency?......do schools ever teach the humans how to think for themselves?......is the prejudice against us dogs caused by our superior intelligence of which the humans are jealous?.....has anyone bothered to count the question marks in this entry?.......How many are there?.....see that, I knew I could make you count them.....I knew you humans didn't have a life.......why am I still writing when I could be napping?.....good point.....zzzzzz

Demon Flash Bandit (Doesn't Believe the Killer Shark Story)

 

Adventures With Angel Zoom Smokey

April 10th 2008 9:37 am
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Today's entry is going to be about the other dog in the house, Angel Zoom Smokey. The reason it is about her is that she had a zany day yesterday, and I think it will be very entertaining to all the dogs reading my entry. Angel Zoom Smokey is what I like to call a BAD PUPPY. Yesterday she was up to her usual antics. Mommy was on the computer or a couple of hours. While Mommy was on the computer, Angel jumped and got one of Mommy's stuffed animals which happened to be a hammerhead shark that Mommy got at the Aquarium in Chattanooga. It was actually out of her reach, but Angel is an agile jumper, and manages to get into a lot of forbidden stuff because of her jumping ability. Anyway, Mommy walked into the room to find that the shark was missing his eyes, and the "hammers" protruding on each side of his head had been chewed on. If that weren't enough, she also chewed the cord that connects the digital camera to the computer so you can up-load photos. (Mommy has already purchased a replacement). When Mommy got off the computer and saw the mayhem, she told Angel she was a bad dog. I was hoping maybe she would suggest an electric chair or maybe a gullotine. I even suggested the two possiblilities. Mommy didn't even hit her. Believe me, I was seriously disappointed that Mommy shows such love and patience with the puppy. I was yelling for her to fry. Okay, I do like her, but I also like to yell let her fry. I could always bring in a bird for frying so it is a great phrase.

Now for the funny part. Angel was caught sitting next to the shark with the missing eyes. Do you know what she told Mommy? She said the shark bit the cord so she grabbed the shark and was giving him a stern lecture when she turned her tail for a minute. When she did, a spaceship hovered overhead and the aliens beamed down just long enough to take the shark's eyes and some samples from his hammerhead for research. She said she has been falsely accused and it is merely circumstantial evidence that won't stand up in court. The fact that she expected us to believe that nutty story still makes me laugh. I don't think I've laughed so much since Angel fell over when she sat down. It is very funny when Angel does an extremely graceful jump through the air. Then she gets to her distination and goes to sit down and falls over. I know Angel Zoom Smokey can be very silly at times, but she can also be a lot of fun. I've just got to make her realize that I"m the lead dog. It even says so on my diary title.

I've got to go and see what new trouble Angel Zoom Smokey has gotten into.

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Who Knows a Lie When He Hears One)

 

The Demon Flash Bandit Show

April 9th 2008 9:46 am
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Here I am starring in my own tv sitcom, The Demon Flash Bandit Show. I happen to be a handsome young rich playboy who spends my time entertaining all the lovely young girl dogs. I felt I needed to play a role that will show my talent as an actor since I normally wouldn't be surrounded by beautiful young girl dogs. It isn't like I'm trying to fulfill some fantasy. That would be silly. This is a comedy because all the girls are really silly, and they do silly things to get my attention. Who could blame them? Every girl wants to be with Demon Flash Bandit. I think the show will be a big hit. The network suggested I have some kind of job. Do they think I'm an idiot? I think my main job should be entertaining the girl dogs. Humans are so stupid. I'm already practicing my speech when I get my award for being the best. I don't believe in waiting until the last minute.

Demon Flash Bandit (TV STAR)

 

Dogs are Super at Decorating.

April 7th 2008 10:11 am
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Jeff and Mommy went to a movie last night. They saw, Superhero, which they said it was funny. Of course, it was funny. I wasn't the star. Any dog with half a brain knows that dogs are the heroes and we are the ones who are super. The humans try to make themselves into superheroes, but they are humans not dogs. I think it is a case of "dog envy" which is a severe psychological problem that most humans have if they have any brains at all. I know if I were a human, I would want to be a dog. I hate to brag, but all us dogs know that we are superior, but we try not to show it when humans are around because we are modest about our superiority.

Who put humans in charge of interior decorating? They have no taste. All us dogs know that some muddy footprints give that air of elegance to a carpet. You can't buy that kind of decorating expertise at the store that sells carpet. The mills haven't yet realized how lovely it would be to pre-print paw prints on the carpet. We have to fix it when it comes home. Have you ever toured a model home with a rawhide bone or squeaky toy placed in strategic spots in a room? It gives a room that "lived in" effect that decorators try to hard to achieve, but miss completely. Oh yeah, setting a magazine on a table really makes the room look good. Knowing the humans, it isn't even a dog magazine. Some of them will read anything. BORING!!! Angel said she thinks a room looks better with an indoor pool. Maybe she has a point. An indoor pool can add thousands to the value of a house, and I bet the humans don't appreciate our efforts to give them an indoor pool either. What idiots!!!

Demon Flash Bandit (Super Decorating Dog)

 
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