May 1st 2008 2:36 pm
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I was looking up at the stars last night, and I then realized what NASA stands for: National Association of Stupid Astronauts. I don't mean to put the people who want to go to the stars down, but if they aren't stupid, they must be insane. I have never once heard a dog say he wants to fly out into space. You have to stay in a space capsule or wear a silly space suit. There are no dog parks, and no stores that sell squeaky toys so what is the point of going there? Humans will spend cazillions of dollars trying to go somewhere where no one can live. You don't see us dogs doing that. We are perfectly content to stay here on Earth. There aren't even little animals to chase in space. I know the humans don't see things the way us dogs do, but I think that is what makes the humans so unhappy. We dogs are happy if we have a roof over our heads, food in our tummies, toys to play with, and humans to love us. Why can't the humans be so easily satisfied? If space were so wonderful, why do all the space aliens come here and abduct humans? They come here because being from the stars is lousy, and they know a good planet when they see it.
I don't know if people know it, but all aliens are not from space. Some of them come from other countries. There must be different agencies for the space aliens and the Earth aliens. I wonder if it gets confusing knowing which agency to register with.
Mommy went to the human vet today, and she has to have an MRI which I think means Mean Rotten Interrupter since it will interrupt my time with her. At least Mommy brought home toys and Burger King. I hope all you dogs out there get BK and toys.
Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Who Is Happy On Earth)
April 30th 2008 12:21 pm
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I have some sad news to report. At the last minute, Conan cancelled my appearance on his show. I don't blame him. I think it was the silly person he put in charge of scheduling guests. I know he is a busy man, and he can't do everything himself. I think it would be great if Jeff and I could appear on his show together so I'm asking them to re-schedule. Why would they prefer to have some "star" on the show who isn't even running for President? I think there was some serious problem that needed the attention of the Pale Force. It must be hard to host a late night show, and also be part of the Pale Force keeping the world safe from whatever--I hope it is the sun's rays, because they are kind of pale, and I've seen Mommy in the sun. She mainly just burns and loses skin. I bet that is what the Pale Force does too because I suspect they are paler than Mommy. We dogs have more sense. You don't see us sun-burn. We have the common sense to have fur to cover our skin. Humans could take a lesson. Fur works better than sun screen, and it is FREE.
Mommy and Jeff went to a movie last night so Angel and I had to baby sit our human brother. He is only 24, so he needs constant attention. Angel jumps on him every now and then to keep him in line. Actually Angel just likes to jump on people and give them Siberian hugs. The movie they went to see was Harold and Kumar. Mommy thought it was funny. Mommy says they made George W. look a little too intelligent, but I'm sure that was poetic license.
Speaking of the W, I think it stands for Wimpy. It works so many ways. He is cowardly, and if he were into hamburgers, I can just hear him say, If you buy me a hamburger today for $3.50, it will save you money because I'm going to raise the price of burgers to $10,59 next week.
I have finally decided to unveil my new economic plan. It took a lot of thought to come up with it. The "W" has made such a mess of the economy that it wasn't an easy process to find a solution. Some may think that I will suggest the oil companies pay extra taxes. I don't believe that is necessary. I think the whole oil industry should be socialized. Yes, you heard me. Let the govt. take over, and then there will be no reason to charge more than the necessary amount. I am a firm believer in capitalism, but let's face it, some things are necessary, and gas is one of them. Because the oil companies have proved over and over again that they are greedy jerks who will destroy the country so they can make a bigger profit, they should no longer be allowed to run the companies. I would put them in jail--those jerks at Enron would get the death penalty. Why not? The oil men are mostly from Texas. They love the death penalty there. It it not only a state that makes sure the death penalty is in place, but they bring in the hot dogs vendors, and some people even bring their own barbeque sauce. Private enterprise is my personal preference, but the oil companies have done the "energy crisis thing" one time too many. In the early 70's, we were supposedly running out of fuel yet as soon as prices got higher, it was flowing freely. I think the oil companies have lost the right to free enterprise and capitalism. To go back to the early days of this country, Don't tread on me. This is Demon Flash Bandit telling the oil companies. Don't worry, there will be no shortage of electicity to fry you jerks.
Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Who Needs to Fix the Country)
April 29th 2008 8:33 am
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I have noticed a lot of advertising on dogster. com. I was just wondering why I see all these dog related products advertised, and yet Burger King isn't a sponsor. I want them to have a dog friendly meal with a squeaky toy instead of those silly human toys. It could have a burger, a choice of fries for dogs that like them or those tasty little navel oranges like Wendys has. and for a drink, we could choose to have a milkshake or a nice fruit tasting water. I think the people at Burger King are missing a big opportunity. It would be great if they would have an area where the owners could eat with their dogs because we dogs like to go out for dinner occasionally too. They let toddlers in to the restaurant, and most of them aren't housebroken, and they leave a big mess. Most of us dogs are very clean with our food. The employees wouldn't even had to sweep or mop after we get done. A little greenhouse room that we could go to year-round would be perfect. I hope the king is reading this. If you want your royal family to continue to be wealthy, I suggest you start listening to this dog. I happen to be good at coming up with ideas for making money. If they didn't interfere with my nap time so much, I might actually be making money. Hey, it takes a lot of energy to think up all this stuff.
Angel is still sticking to her "the toy's eyes fell off because it was defective story". I'll give her credit for coming up with a good story, and having the stubborn stupidity to stick to it when no one around here believes her.
I have some Presidential compaigning to do. I plan to be on a couple of talk shows. I'm scheduled for Conan tonight. I think he is the best of all the late night talk show hosts. He is always doing something funny. I hope I can count on his support, but I'm not sure if he is supporting me or not. I need to ask if he will allow Jeff on his show since Jeff needs a chance to show his talent nationwide. Perhaps if all us dogs write the show and ask for Jeff to appear, maybe Conan will put him on there.
Demon Flash Bandit (Doggy Meals at Burger King)
April 28th 2008 9:25 am
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I want to mention what a delightful time I had at Samoa's Pier on Pirate Night. I was particularly touched when the Pirate Band played that lovely song, "Let's kill that stupid parrot". I was almost moved to tears when they played that. I hope more dogs will join us next week when I think Alaska night is scheduled. I know all you huskies and malamutes will want to attend.
I hope all you dogs had a lovely weekend. Mine was nice. Angel Zoom Smokey got in trouble AGAIN yesterday for ripping the eyes off the little beanie baby donkey from the Shriek movie. She claims she was holding him lovingly in her paws, and his eyes fell off. She said Mommy should sue the TY company for making an inferior product. Mommy didn't buy that story and told her she was a bad dog. I've been telling her she is a bad dog for the past year. As usual, she kissed her way out of trouble. Mommy still can't understand how she got the toy since it was out of her reach. I think she flew up and got it. It is the only logical explanation. I don't think dogs are supposed to fly so I think she bears watching. Angel Zoom Smokey could be a bird in a dog costume. If so, she is out of here.
Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Who Hates Birds)
April 27th 2008 8:39 am
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Some of you dogs may be wondering why I've been so critical of George W. in my recent entries. He won't be in office much longer, and he can't run again so you might ask why he matters. I will have to take over and solve all the problems caused by his incompetency so I think my criticisms are valid. As many of my loyal readers understand, I am a dog who values my nap time. When I have to solve some stupid problems left behind by an incompetent, it will cut into my nap time, and then this dogs gets mad. When Demon Flash Bandit gets mad, people get told off--this time I'm just doing it in advance. I am tired of the greed of the oil companies, and their constant lies. If they were just passing on an increase in the price of oil that is beyond their control and is the fault of other countries, then why are they making record profits? They aren't passing higher prices along. They are creating higher prices to fill their wallets. When people have to pay more for gas, many of them will start cheaping up on their dogs--some dogs will get dog food instead of people food, and some may even end up homeless or in shelters because their humans might not have to money to care for them. This is why this dog is speaking out and letting other dogs know that it is time to put a dog in the White House. The real enigma for me is that George W. has dogs. Why isn't he listening to them? If he were listening to the wisdom of his dogs, he wouldn't be getting the criticism of Demon Flash Bandit.
I also want to mention this lady named Ann Coulter. In case some of you dogs were wondering, I would consider myself a moderate dog. I think some of the liberal dogs can get a little wacky--they aren't even supporting my kill every bird issue which is the main issue of my campaign. Conservatives don't realize this, but they are just as wacky in the other direction--let's kill the birds and if a lot of dogs die as a result, it is okay. As most of the dogs out there can easily see, the truth is usually in the middle---birds should die, but dogs don't need to die along with the birds. Anyway, I have a couple of comments to make about this woman. She has written a few books. I only have a couple of things to say about those books. The first comment is that I have chatted with all types of people in my campaign, and none are really bad even if they disagree with me on differing issues. This is a free country. The founding fathers meant for it to be a free country, and I think it is sad when you assume that just because someone doesn't agree that you shouldn't even talk to them. Mommy has relatives and friends who think the George W. isn't a idiot. They are good people and Mommy doesn't get mad at them because they think George W. is okay. My second comment is that just because you aren't a super Conservative doesn't mean you aren't religious or spiritual. For those of you who are Christians, Jesus' behavior was not always in sync with the religious people of his time. He did things that were disapproved of--for example, he once had the nerve to heal someone on the Sabbath. If I were Ann Coutler, I'd be careful of assuming I knew what God thinks about various issues. I hope one day she will realize that good people come in all shapes, sizes, colors, and political affiliations. We dogs know this because there are dogs living with all differing types of people, and those people love us and treat us good. God knows whose heart is good, and I think that is the important thing to remember---I'm sure God mainly wants us to kill all the birds!!!
Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Who Sees Good In All Kinds Of People)
April 26th 2008 8:12 am
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Sometimes the internet news headlines seem to be written for my diary entry. Since I'm running for President, I have to comment on some of these headlines. It is my duty as a candidate to let my supporters know where I stand on all these issues. As many of you already know, a tax rebate is in the works to help the economy (which is in a recession so George W. is absolutely right--we aren't going to have a recession because we already have one). I thought this was a stupid plan since sending out money to everyone that the govt doesn't have in the treasury (there is a huge deficit) seems kind of irresponsible to this dog. Sure, I like money, but I like the money to actually have some worth. Today I saw on the headlines that the checks will be coming out early so people can pay for rising gas and food prices (food prices wouldn't be rising if not to make up for the added fuel costs to get the food to market so actually that extra money is for the oil companies). I want to take this opportunity to give those 2 oil men, George W. and Cheney, my Demon Flash Bandit Crook of the Century Award. When Richard Millhouse Nixon is referred to as a "breath of fresh air compared to these 2 losers, that is a major insult. Do any of you dogs know how low a person has to sink to have Nixon be considered a breath of fresh air?
For the benefit of George W. (if he happens to be watching my campaign), put down your video game and I'll explain it in words you can understand. Upping oil prices: BAD. George W.'s presidency: BAD Your IQ: Lower than a monkey's. By the way, the monkey that was photographed who looks like you is suing. He says he has been discriminated against due to his resemblance to you. He missed a job working in tv because the director didn't think he would have enough sense to fall off a chair. Okay, let me make it even simpler for you. Think back to your time in college: Your cocaine dealer tells you every day that he is upping the price of your stash. You aren't worried because you'll just ask for more money from your super rich family. Then the unthinkable happens. Daddy cuts you off. You have no money, and the cocaine costs more. How are you going to survive? Will you have to go to school drug free and then not have an excuse for being such an idiot? Will you get up and work for the cocaine? Of course not. What could you possibly do? You don't have any talent or brains. On no, you are running for President. You will never get the popular vote.
The only good thing about George W. is that he has proved that anyone can be president--even a man who does worse on an intelligence test than an ape.
Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Who Will Clean up Congress)
April 25th 2008 9:01 am
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I've been thinking about Charelton Heston, and I am presented with an enigma. You are supposed to be happy in heaven and I know he won't be happy without a gun. However, I don't think God would want guns in heaven. I gave this matter a lot of thought-okay I spend about 3 minutes thinking it over, and I came to the conclusion that he is allowed to have a real gun, and it shoots real bullits, but they don't hurt anyone. It would be like shooting blanks here on Earth.
The real enigma is why gun owners love their guns so much. I'm not putting down owning guns, and I know they can be useful or even necessary, but why is it that gun owners will put the very idiot into office who spies on the telephones, and treats the Constitution like it is a useless piece of parchment. The Bill of Rights doesn't mean anything either. Do any of the gun owners ever stop to think just how hard it would be to confiscate all the guns? I think it would be a very difficult process even if the guns were registered particularly when you have so many gun owners who wouldn't be happy about it. I know I wouldn't apply for the job of going up and asking for the person's gun. When you go to vote, try to use a little common sense. If you use your brain, you's vote Demon Flash Bandit. Thanks to all my supporters.
Demon Flash Bandit (Presidential Hopeful)
April 24th 2008 10:01 am
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I have spent much of my Presidential campaign dealing with issues like global warming (caused by birds), and various other essential issues. One issue I haven't really dealt with is the issue of education. Educating our puppies (and the human puppies) is one of the most important issues of our time. One day these puppies will be the ones running the world, and they should be prepared to take their place as leaders and even good followers, they need a good education.
I think the educational system can use some improvements, but I want to go on record as saying that the emphasis should be on the system we already have in place which is basically a very good system. There are people who don't like the education their children are getting so they decide to homeschool. I will not say that it isn't good for a few children, and I'm not about to ban it, but does anyone else see the total insanity of homeschooling for most kids? You have a school with a teacher who has spent at least 4 years in college to get the priviledge of taking lower pay than a lot of high school graduates receive, and they also have the problem of putting up with a lot of children who obviously didn't do well in obediance class. This person has taken devel0pmental pyschology so the teacher knows the normal development of children/teens. In addition, the have majored in a subject that they will be teaching the students. Instead of sending a child to school, some parents decide that they are more capable of teaching their child at home. The school has a whole staff of teachers, and the students are exposed to many different teachers over the course of their education. I know that doesn' t compare to being taught by Mommy or Daddy year after year after year. The parents HOPEFULLY have a high school diploma, but I doubt that it is necessary. Sure, there are some lousy schools out there, and it isn't that I'm picking on those parents, but most schools aren't bad. Sure, there will be the occasional bad teacher, but even those teachers can teach the children something. Mommy had an English teacher in the 10th grade who was totally insane. Mommy said it taught her to deal with insanity. These children go out into the world, and have to deal with insanity and stupidity everyday. How can home schooling teach them to deal with that unless Mom is a bi-polar schitzo, and Daddy is an idiot? I'm not saying that is the case with most homeschooling parents, but it could very well be the case. We dogs can be schooled at home because dogs are highly intelligent, and we don't need a lot of education like the humans do, but I just wanted to touch on this issue so that my voters will know what I think. Here is what I think about education:
1. I think teachers should be paid more, and they should be far more appreciated than they are.
2. I think human parents should admit that often their kids can't pass obedience classes that the average dog aces with no problem.
3. Video games are okay, but children need to do some old fashioned type playing also, and they need to understand that life is essentially boring. Otherwise, you will have some very unhappy adults when they have to get a job. By the way, most jobs are boring.
4. If you don't like your local school, start changing it for the better.
5. Work with the system to educate your child. Children learn all the time--not just at school. I may not totally approve of homeschooling, but I do believe parents can be great teachers if they aren't trying to go it alone.
6. Don't be afraid to expose children to different ideas. That is how a person learns and grows.
7. Let your children learn to get along with other children who aren't always just like them. It might help make the world a nicer place in which to live.
I want to add that I would immediately drop the no child left behind garbage. I think the educational system deserves a lot more funding. What good is it to say you are going to improve the system unless you put your money where your mouth is. On the subject of having teachers tested for competency, I think that Congress has nerve to suggest that unless they are tested for competency themselves. I know that will never happen because the man in the White House is a bird brained idiot who has made Mommy seriously consider moving to Australia. Thanks a lot George W., you are slowing turning the United States into a third world nation. It is only a matter of time before U. S. citizens are slipping over the borders into Canada and Mexico to find decent jobs. I think you will go down in history as the worst president of all time.
Demon Flash Bandit (Presidential Candidate Who Believes in Education Because Humans are Basically Stupid)
April 23rd 2008 1:06 pm
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I've been thinking about the bird attacking the dress incident, and I had a terrifying thought. What if the birds discovered the Acme web-site and ordered invisible paint? That would explain why Ms. Cruz's dress got so many white bird bombs on it. She didn't see the birds so she couldn't get away from them. They could be flying around dropping white bird bombs on everyone. No one is safe because they could fly into buildings when people walk in, and you would even be getting bombed when you are inside. I am issuing a "kill the birds before they become invisible" alert. My alert is far more effective than the color alerts issued by the head bird brain in the White House. Is a color supposed to stop something? The reason I issue a far more realistic alert is because I have a working brain. I think Acme should be banned from selling to birds. I hope all you dogs will join with me in killing every bird you can. Together, we can save the world.
Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Who Hopes Birds Can't Get Invisible Paint)
April 22nd 2008 6:04 am
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I have some good news today for all my doggy readers. As most of you know, I HATE BIRDS. They are evil little snow thieves who should be completey eradicated from the planet since they are the cause of global warming. I was browsing the internet today, and imagine my glee when I saw that one of the headlines of the AOL homepage was: ACTRESS DRESS ATTACKED BY BIRDS!!! Finally the warning I have been issuing regarding birds has been substantiated by AOL news. Of course, I had to read that article, and I am going to print it word for word for those of you who missed it:
Penelope Cruz makes a rare fashion misstep at the 'Elegy' premiere in Madrid. for some reason, her embroidered Oscar de la Renta gown is covered in random white splothes. Maybe she fell asleep under a tree full of BIRDS.
So far, only my doggy pals have heeded my warnings about the evil birds. I'm hoping this little incident will wake some humans up to the bird threat. I dread the day when the birds actually attack like they did in Hitchcock's documentary, The Birds. It happened once. It could happen again. I hope the humans don't wait until it is too late. Remember to kill every bird you can. It is essential for the birds to die in order for us to continue living happily on this planet. Thanks in advance for all your help.
Demon Flash Bandit (Bird Hater)
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