Adventures of a lead dog

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A Continent Will Not Fit In a Cabinet

February 22nd 2008 10:21 am
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Humans have some odd behavior patterns. Have you dogs noticed how some of them actually have china cabinets with china in them. First of all, how can you fit a continent in a cabinet. You'd think the humans would have wondered about that yet they still think they have china in there. The china they are referring to actually involves a set of dishes. The whole idea is humorous to us dogs. They have dinner plates, dessert plates, platters, gravy bowls, serving bowls, etc. All us dogs know that you only need one 2 bowls--one for water and one for eating. The china set doesn't even include the glasses for water. It does have cups and saucers for coffee which is stupid. Why do you need a plate to hold a cup? Anyway, I think the humans just create a lot of extra work for themselves when they use it. A dog can even get by without a bowl. The food can be eaten directly from the bag, can, pan, or whatever it came in. Water is always readily available in the big white watering dish in the bathroom. I loved drinking out of it when I was a puppy, but the humans seem to hate it when you do so I always drink out of my "water cooler" bowl in there. If it happens to run out of water, I let Mommy know it needs more. However, if necessary, we dogs could get our water out of there if there were no humans around to get us more. My point is that we dogs make life a lot simpler than humans do, and we are a lot happier. Humans tend to create work for themselves. It is like they don't know what to do with themselves if they aren't busy doing something unnecessary. Sure, I know some things need to be done, but very much like the china, not everything they do is necessary. I have 2 words for the humans to make their lives easier at dinner time: PAPER PLATES. My Mommy has mastered the whole paper plate idea, and we often get our grilled chicken on them. My BK is served on a lovely paper with BK written all over it.

I do admit I love watching the humans fret over silly things that a dog would never worry about. I know they can't help it. It is part of being human. They should take some lessons from us dogs. The only problem is that we dogs hate the idea of teaching because it sounds a little too much like work. Since it is Friday, most people are getting over their week of work so I hope all you dogs and your people have a nice weekend.

Demon Flash Bandit (Wise Dog)

 

Dogs Should Be Top Priority

February 21st 2008 11:48 am
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I didn't get to write an entry yesterday because Jeff, the computer hog, was on the computer most of the day. I barked at him to get off, but he ignored me. I told you the humans are hard to train. Angel would have given him some puppy slaps of justice, but she said as long as he is on the computer she isn't having to help him with his stand up comedy. He spends way too much time on the computer writing movie scripts. I have read what he writes, and I have to report that you can tell it isn't a dog writing it. Maybe I'll write a book so I can tell Jeff that I'm busy with my book when he tries to use up MY COMPUTER time. I told Mommy that Jeff is probably on FaceBook chatting with other Trekkies about the latest Star Trek movie. I will give the kid credit, he doesn't have a one track mind, he could be chatting about Battlestar Galactica or Star Wars. I might tell you more about his activities later, but it is just too sad to list them in one entry. I don't think they make doggy prozac so I'll stop where I am. Besides, I have other things to write about.

I am very upset with the humans I live with. They go to conventions where they meet celebrities and get their autographed photos. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with doing it, but where is the photo of Demon from Snow Dogs. Yes, they have his photo, but did not meet him and get his paw print. They have the autograped photo of Nichelle Nichols (Uhura of the original Star Trek series). Nichelle also happened to be on one of the greatest movies of all time, Snow Dogs. She gave a talk about how much her role as Uhura had impacted society. when Mommy met her, Mommy told her that Snow Dogs had a bigger impact on her personally since Daddy fell in love with huskies after seeing that movie, and that is how I came to live with my family. She said the dogs thought they were the stars of that movie. Mommy laughed about it. I was apalled at Nichelle's ignorance particularly because she is a very intelligent and talented lady. I do think she enjoyed doing the movie and liked us dogs so I, Demon Flash Bandit, will overlook her attitude because she can't help it that she is human. The movie was called SNOW DOGS--not Dentist from Miami. Cuba Gooding was just someone for the dogs to knock down. He even had problems with the local bears. The dogs were obviously the stars. From the first time, that blue eyed hero, Demon, came on stage, the audience was in love. Who could reisist such a handsome husky? Despite his outstanding performance, he wasn't even nominated for an Oscar for best actor. Johnny Depp should have gotten the Oscar for the first Pirates movie, but he can at least say he was nominated. Demon didn't even get to go to the ceremony. I mean no disrespect to Johhny Depp (Angel thinks he is handsome), but he is not D J Cody. The actor who played Demon is Angel's cousin. I can only add that Angel should act more like her cousin and quit bugging me. She should be spending her time knocking down the local dentist which no one will mind because most sane people hate their dentist anyway. Nana, the border collie was also a very nice dog, and she was even allowed to pull a sled by the end of the movie. It was truly heart-warming to see how much she wanted to be a sled dog.

On the subject of movies, I believe Demon also played the part of Max in Eight Below which shows the versatility of his talent. He went from playing the lead dog to a puppy who was so endearing that you just wanted to rescue him. I felt the humans who left those poor dogs there should have been puppy slapped. They could have put them in the helicopter and left some of the stupid equipment. The dogs were heroes, and yet the "stuff" was more important to the humans in charge. In the first place, who is going to steal it? How many humans hang out in that area. There were a few birds, but birds steal snow--not scientific equipment. They have their standards. Anyway, the man who loved the dogs never gave up, and it wasn't his fault they were left behind. If I were hiim, I would have quit working for those idiots before the dogs were ever in danger. I am mentioning this because so many humans have their priorities all messed up. Their dogs and family should come first, but they put their career first, and then they wonder why they are depressed and lonely. You don't see a dog fretting over a job. We are too smart for that.

I don't want to leave out other dog breeds. I really loved Underdog, Firehouse Dog, and I really loved both Shasta (the husky), and the 5 golden retreivers in Snow Buddies. Those were 6 adorable puppies. It was such an inspiring story that it should get an Oscar for Best Picture. I'm sure the humans won't choose it. I think they know the movies starring dogs are better than the ones starring humans and it scares the tails off the humans. I can prove it because if you look at humans, they have no tails. You know their tails were scared off because we dogs are so much smarter and more talented.

I hope you dogs will enjoy a dog movie sometime this week, and, when you watch movies starring humans, try not to be too critical. They can't help it that they aren't as enjoyable as the ones with us dogs. The humans do try, and they are so cute when they try.

Demon Flash Bandit (Lover of Dog Movies)

 

Dog Toys--Not Books

February 19th 2008 12:07 pm
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Why do humans have totally uninteresting books laying around which they never bother to read? Is it to make people who visit think they are intelligent (yeah, right). There are books all over the place here. I had to tell Mommy the other day that this is not a library. I think that the place would look a lot better if she dumped the books and brought in something more valuable to fill the space---dog toys. Sure, Mommy does read, but I know she isn't going to get around to reading all these books, and I happen to know that there are books written in ancient Greek in the basement, and they are still there because they were Robby's books, and Robby could read them. I live with these people, and believe me, they are idiots. Sure, Robby was an exception. He took Greek because Latin was full. Mommy can barely speak English. I have been helping her because, as all of us dogs know, most of our owners don't have enough common sense to come in out of the rain. In fact, they create rain in the bathrooms in a thing called a shower. You won't catch many dogs volunteering to get wet. We usually hate water--with the exception of a few of the breeds who were bred to retrieve things out of the water, and since that is dead birds, they have my admiration. I would get wet to get rid of an evil bird. I also don't mind getting wet if there is rain or snow as long as I can go outside and enjoy it, but the fun is being outside--not being wet. Anyway, I do think that books are basically useless. Another book that really annoys me is the How to Train a Husky book. It should be How to Train a Human. Humans are very hard to train. They are stupid and stubborn and happen to mistakenly think that they are in charge. I know my humans are stupid, but I love them anyway. Maybe one day I'll get them trained to do what I say, but I'll keep them even if I don't. I do love them.

Demon Flash Bandit (Book Critic)

 

Why are Clocks Important?

February 18th 2008 10:15 am
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Humans seem to have to have something to do every minute. While we dogs can lay down and do absolutely nothing--and we never feel the slightest bit of guilt about it, the humans feel guilty over everything. They came up with the term, wasting time. How can you waste time, and what is their odd obcession with the concept of time? They aren't just happy owning clocks which tend to be everywhere. they have to have one on their wrist too. Their cell phones tell them the time. I"ve never heard a dog say, I meant to get some work done, but I fell asleep, and didn't get it done. A dog would say. WOOF HOWL HOWL WOOF WOOF which translated means: "Great, I enjoyed that nap. I think I'll look for a morsel of food and then go back to sleep." Dreamland is a lot more fun than reality anyway--you'd think even the humans would know that. Still they continue their odd relationship with time. It seems they always need to be somewhere or they need to be doing something. If a dog wanted to take over the world, all he would have to do is mess with the clocks. I will write more tomorrow. I've got to go re-set some clocks.......

Demon Flash Bandit (Clock Adjuster)

 

New CD by Howling Huskies

February 17th 2008 11:38 am
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Hello from the spare bedroom which has been turned into a computer room. I am hiding from the evil and very annoying Angel Zoom Smokey. I stayed in here all day yesterday, and I got some much needed rest without being woke up by Angel Zoom Smokey every 5 minutes. That puppy wants to play every minute she is awake--and she is awake a lot. I told her that puppies are supposed to sleep a lot and she said she isn't tired.

The Howling Huskies have just finished a new cd with such highly anticipated songs such as: I Want to Hold Your Paw, Sweet Home Alaska, Can't Find my Way To the Sled Race, I Just Want to Sled Race, Nowadays, Birds are Stealing Snow, Once I Was a Husky, and many more delightful hits sure to please even the most discriminating music lover. We will really be howling out on these songs. Watch for our latest cd at you local store. It will be titled, Huskies Howling for You. IF you can't find it in your local store, call our number, DOG-HOW-LING. If no one at that number knows anything about the cd, don't give up, you have probably just dialed the wrong number. Try our e-mail: Music@Howling Huskies.com or visit our Howling Husky web-site--www.howlinghuskies.com. This is truly a must have item and will sell out faster than a beanie baby filled with peas. I don't mind winning a grammy, but I am not I repeat NOT going to wear a suit to the awards ceremony.

I've got to go and write some new music. Have a wonderful weekend.

Demon Flash Bandit (Member of the Howling Huskies)

 

Golf Was Invented by CaveMen

February 16th 2008 10:41 am
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I was channel surfing the tv the other day seeing if there was anything worth watching. I want to add a salute to cable tv--50 channels of nothing worth watching. Anyhoo, I happened to stop on a sporting event called golf. At first I was upset because I thought the tv had gone haywire since nothing seemed to be happening. Of course, I left it on that channel so I could check on the tv. It turns out the tv was fine, but golf is boring. I will describe it to you so when you dogs go channel surfing, you won't be worried about your tv the way I was. It is played by people wearing very silly looking clothes. As my faithful entry readers are already aware, all human clotes are silly looking, but these are even sillier than usual--with the possible exception of the polyester leisure suit. Wait a minute, I think the sumo outfits in one of the last episodes of The Office (3rd season) were funnier. Once you get past the outfits, there is the game itself. There is a huge area (which the smart golfers use carts to traverse) with a total of 18 holes. There is a special ball called a golf ball (imaginative isn't it?) that is supposed to be put into each of the 18 holes by hitting it with a club which is carried in a bag filled with clubs because just one club isn't enough. I think that idea was invented by the people who manufacture golf clubs. I can hear them in their corporate office now. How are we going to sell enough clubs to make money? They only need one. I know......we'll say they need a whole bunch of them. The true genius of that is that anyone dumb enough to spend their day and large amounts of money to play would be dumb enough to think they need more than one if the golf "experts" tell them they do. After spending a lot of time in the sun, their brains get kind of fried anyway. Back to the game. The player hits the ball with the club, and once all the holes have been played, the game is over. I will say that it is nice that they worry so much about the less fortunate because they are always talking about handicaps, and I think it is nice that they remember those who have handicaps. Most sports don't seem to care so much about the people who have physical limitations. Another complaint: when they are hitting the ball, everyone in the crowd has to be extremely quiet which seems silly to me since noise should be part of the equation. I think the golfers are a bit spoiled.
I thought of a few suggestions for making the game more interesting, and even worth watching. They should forget the balls, and each golfer could take a club, and see how long it takes for him to club the other players in the head. Sure, it might be a bit more violent, but don't people watch sports to see action? Having a brain sailing through the air would definitely be more exciting than watching a ball sail through the air. Besides, if they are playing golf, my guess is that their brains aren't functioning well anyway. I think that is how the game originated. It probably started with cavemen who already had a wooden club they were carrying around, and one day Org decided to club Ugh in the head, and before you know it, golf had been discovered. Down through the ages, the game evolved into a sad image of its caveman glory. Angel just found a new box of dog biscuits. I have to go and persuade her to share. Next time I'm channel surfing, I'll skip the golf events unless they are playing caveman style.

Demon Flash Bandit (Golf Critic)

 

Golf Was Invented by CaveMen

February 16th 2008 10:41 am
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I was channel surfing the tv the other day seeing if there was anything worth watching. I want to add a salute to cable tv--50 channels of nothing worth watching. Anyhoo, I happened to stop on a sporting event called golf. At first I was upset because I thought the tv had gone haywire since nothing seemed to be happening. Of course, I left it on that channel so I could check on the tv. It turns out the tv was fine, but golf is boring. I will describe it to you so when you dogs go channel surfing, you won't be worried about your tv the way I was. It is played by people wearing very silly looking clothes. As my faithful entry readers are already aware, all human clotes are silly looking, but these are even sillier than usual--with the possible exception of the polyester leisure suit. Wait a minute, I think the sumo outfits in one of the last episodes of The Office (3rd season) were funnier. Once you get past the outfits, there is the game itself. There is a huge area (which the smart golfers use carts to traverse) with a total of 18 holes. There is a special ball called a golf ball (imaginative isn't it?) that is supposed to be put into each of the 18 holes by hitting it with a club which is carried in a bag filled with clubs because just one club isn't enough. I think that idea was invented by the people who manufacture golf clubs. I can hear them in their corporate office now. How are we going to sell enough clubs to make money? They only need one. I know......we'll say they need a whole bunch of them. The true genius of that is that anyone dumb enough to spend their day and large amounts of money to play would be dumb enough to think they need more than one if the golf "experts" tell them they do. After spending a lot of time in the sun, their brains get kind of fried anyway. Back to the game. The player hits the ball with the club, and once all the holes have been played, the game is over. I will say that it is nice that they worry so much about the less fortunate because they are always talking about handicaps, and I think it is nice that they remember those who have handicaps. Most sports don't seem to care so much about the people who have physical limitations. Another complaint: when they are hitting the ball, everyone in the crowd has to be extremely quiet which seems silly to me since noise should be part of the equation. I think the golfers are a bit spoiled.
I thought of a few suggestions for making the game more interesting, and even worth watching. They should forget the balls, and each golfer could take a club, and see how long it takes for him to club the other players in the head. Sure, it might be a bit more violent, but don't people watch sports to see action? Having a brain sailing through the air would definitely be more exciting than watching a ball sail through the air. Besides, if they are playing golf, my guess is that their brains aren't functioning well anyway. I think that is how the game originated. It probably started with cavemen who already had a wooden club they were carrying around, and one day Org decided to club Ugh in the head, and before you know it, golf had been discovered. Down through the ages, the game evolved into a sad image of its caveman glory. Angel just found a new box of dog biscuits. I have to go and persuade her to share. Next time I'm channel surfing, I'll skip the golf events unless they are playing caveman style.

Demon Flash Bandit (Golf Critic)

 

Jeff's Upset Over Delay in Star Trek Movie Release

February 14th 2008 11:49 am
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I have previously mentioned in other entries that Jeff is a big Star Trek fan. I had to spend almost a week in jail last August while he and Mommy went to a Star Trek Convention in Las Vegas. I don't think I have mentioned how it seems to be worsening. Jeff has a cell phone that shuts like a communicator. It is so sad when I see him shutting it dramatically like Capt Kirk would shut it on Star Trek. He is finished yacking with his friends, and he shuts it like he has just rescued the universe from an attack by the Borgs (I'm the one who rescued the universe which I will cover in a future entry). Anyway, I have watched him, and I think he really needs to get a life. In fact, I have heard him do imitations of Capt Kirk, and I really don't think anyone needs to copy his speech pattern and mannerisms. If that isn't enough, I have heard him listening to a cd done by William Shatner. Unless you have heard William Shatner doing "Tambourine Man", you would not understand how sad it is that Jeff wastes his time listening to it. Hey.......MR........TAM....BOUR....INE..
MAN.....the really sad thing is that Daddy bought this cd too. Who would think that anyone would buy it. It isn't like it is the Howling Huskies or something people would WANT to listen to. If all that isn't bad enough, Jeff spends much of MY valuable computer time checking for all the minute details of the new Star Trek movie which from his announcement last night, has been delayed from its release at Christmas 2008 to summer 2009. Jeff was very upset with Paramount, and said it was run by idiots (I wonder if it is the same group of idiots running the country). From that remark, I know it is being run by humans because dogs are much smarter. I think Paramount should re-consider this release date because if they don't, I'll have to hear Jeff complaining about it for almost a full year. When that happens, I might have to go to CA, and have a personal husky to idiot talk with the person in charge. I won't bite him. I'll just point out that I have "GATOR" teeth. If that isn't enough, I'll have Angel Zoom Smokey with me to give him puppy slaps of justice. I like Star Trek myself, but I"m not going to tell that to the Fster. I like to tease him about it so if any of you dogs reading this run into Jeff, don't tell him that I like it too.

Demon Flash Bandit (Star Trek Fan)

 

It Is Easy to Win a Sword Fight With a Bird

February 13th 2008 8:22 am
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I am just back from rescuing a fair damsel in distress--yes, she was this black dress. That yellow dress made he look fat. No, the damsel in distress was not Angel Zoom Smokey. Angel can take care of herself. I'd hate to see someone try to mess with her and feel her puppy slaps of justice. She is quite the little fighter. Anyway, I was riding a snowmobile past a castle (you don't expect me to walk, do you?), and I happened to run across a damsel in distress (this black dress-we covered that part already), and she was being held by the evil Baron Bird. As you might expect, Baron Bird was evil. Some might argue that it is because he is a bird and it isn't his fault because all birds are evil....BLAH BLAH BLAH........which is exactly my point. He has to die because he is a bird. I got out my sword and I got into a sword fight with Baron Bird. It wasn't that hard to beat him. It is very difficult for a bird to hold a sword in its claw. I killed Baron Bird and freed the Damsel in Dis Dress. Now she has opened her own chain of clothing stores called Damsel Dresses. She stays very busy selling her own designer dresses, and she even has some outlet stores open, but I wouldn't recommend buying there because I don't care how novel the idea was, a dress with 3 sleeves just isn't going to be a hit. I told her to make one with 8 sleeves so she could monopolize the dress sales to insects, but she didn't listen. She had to go with 3. I never said she was an intelligent damsel in dis dress. Anyway, I once again was the hero of the story. She gave me lots of damsel kisses, and I had the day's most important query, "Where is the nearest Burger King?" Killing Baron Bird had made me very hungry. Imagine my desperation when she said Burger King hadn't been invented yet. There was a Baron King, but that served bird burgers. I don't know about you, but I have no desire to eat a bird burger. Is it made out of birdseed? Maybe it is one of those suet cake burgers. I asked her is she had any milkbone, and she gave me a glass of milk with a bone in it. It turns out that I was in an era when milkbone and Burger King hadn't been invented yet. As you can guess, I jumped on the snowmobile and stepped on the gas. The engine revved, and I went so fast, I was back in my own time. I headed to Burger King with a feeling of great satisfaction. It takes going back in time to appreciate the things you have today. Yesterday I covered the man who invented the light bulb, but today I have to give a Demon Flash Bandit salute to the person who invented Burger King. Thank you Mr. Burger King Inventer. You are my hero.

Demon Flash Bandit (Sword Fighter)

 

Thank you Thomas Edison

February 12th 2008 11:00 am
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I was browsing a history book yesterday, and I discovered that humans didn't always have electricity in their homes. Our doggie ancestors couldn't watch tv, or enjoy ice from the freezer. They also didn't have light at night except for candles and kerosene lamps (which were probably a marvelous invention in their day). Anyway, I found out that a man named Thomas Alva Edison invented the light bulb along with a lot of other things. He had a place where he did his work, and it is in a place called Greenfield Village in Dearborn, MI. Edison's whole Menlo Park Compound is there. They actually moved it from New Jersey. I asked Mommy if she would take me there to see it, but she said she doesn't think they allow dogs (unless it is a service dog). They allow children. That makes no sense to me. I like children, but they are usually a bigger pain than us dogs--yet they aren't banned from places. Anyway, Mommy has been there many times, and she said it is very interesting. My brother, William, actually went to school there one day at the one-room schoolhouse. She said it also has Henry Ford's home, and the garage where he made his first car. He had to make the door larger because he got so busy building the car that he didn't think about getting it out until after it was built. That sounds like the kind of silly thing Mommy would do. I would suggest Mommy dress me in clothes so I can sneak in as a human. However, as I've previously mentioned, I really hate clothes so I'm not going to lower myself to that point just to go there. When I am president, we dogs will be able to go to wonderful places like that, and we won't have to pretend to be humans. We can walk in proudly--as dogs. Remember to vote for me.

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Who Appreciates Electricity)

 
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