Adventures of a lead dog

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We Need a Doggy Hero

May 5th 2008 6:34 pm
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Mommy and Jeff went to a movie last night called Iron Man. The main problem I have with this movie is that Iron Man is the super hero and he isn't a dog. I could understand if the movie were Iron Dog. A dog super hero is something that makes sense. Mommy and Jeff both said it was a good movie. I do have to question their taste. Iron Man didn't even have a dog to help him. Can you believe a human could actually be smart enought to build a robotic outfit without a dog's help? I don't believe it. I live with humans, and they are pathetic. I am going to call some Hollywood producers and ask them why there aren't more doggy super hero movies. It is about time we got credit for saving the world. The humans don't even know the birds cause global warming. How can they save the world? They can barely microwave their dinner.

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Who Thinks Dogs are Super)

 

Bird Suicides

May 4th 2008 9:08 am
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My pal, Rosie wrote to me with a common problem. There was an easily accessible bird, but her Mommy told her not to hurt it. This is a common problem for us dogs, but one that is easily remedied. Do not kill this bird (at least not when the humans are looking). Wait until they can't see you, then pounce on the bird, and kill it, but do it very neatly without leaving any teethmarks. When the humans questions what happened, it was a very unhappy bird that committed suicide. Be sure the bird leaves a note. Make the bird write one before you kill it. Tell it that a note will make it a quick painless death, but not leaving one will make it a painful death. Birds always fall for it. Of course, without a note, it isn't wise to kill it because the humans might get suspicious. Luckily for us dogs, the birds are too stupid to know this. One final note, make sure there are no video cameras recording you because those can get a dog into trouble. Good luck with the bird killing!!!

Demon Flash Bandit (Birds Are Evil)

 

Ninja Turtles vs. Pokemon

May 3rd 2008 10:19 am
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Have any of you dogs noticed how human children will play with very odd toys? There is this toy called Pokemon. I think it goes around poking people. I actually have no idea what it does, but that is the connotations I get from the name. Jeff isn't into Pokemon probably because he is 22 years old. I think he actually thinks he is superior because his age group wasn't into Pokemon. Of course, he is so superior---NOT. I guess he doesn't realize how silly his toys were. He had a bunch of toys called NINJA TURTLES. Yes, turtles in a "half shell" which were taught ninja skills by a RAT. I think the young children today will grow up okay despite the whole Pokemon thing. I must admit, I'm not fond of Polemon, but then again, my idea of toys it to rip them apart. I love my toys, but there is always a silly plush thing that has eaten my squeaky. The squeaky is the real toy--not the stupid stuffed piece of fabric.

I hope all the dogs reading this have a wonderful weekend. I know I plan to.

Demon Flash Bandit (I Do Actually Prefer Ninja Turtles)

 

You can Help Fight IMHA--an Awful Doggy Disease

May 2nd 2008 9:03 am
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Normally I only write one entry a day, but I think this merits a second entry. My pal, Angel Mica died of IMHA. Her Mommy has been working on raising money to raise awaremess of this awful doggy disease that can affect any dog out there. I am not asking for money, but if my doggy pals can take a little of your time, if you could as Angel Mica to be your pal and corral Mica. Mica has to be first. Then ask Mirra to be your pal, and corral her, and then finally do the same for The Purple Girls of Oregon. This needs to be done by May 30. It is a contest, and if they get the most pals and get corralled the most, they get some money to help fight this awful disease which has taken so many of our doggy pals. It would be nice if you could also ask your doggy pals to do the same. Thanks for your help. All 3 dogs are linked in Lena Malik's diary entry which was diary of the day today.

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Who Cares)

 

Alaska Night at Samoa's Pier

May 2nd 2008 8:51 am
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It is Friday which means that a lot of you dogs will be looking foward to a weekend of fun with your humans. I am particularly looking forward to Alaska Night at Samoa's Sea Serpent Sighting Pier. Every dog who attends has a fantastic time there. Since I'm a husky, Alaska Night is something I know I'm going to love.

I'm hoping Mommy will go with me and have a great time at Alaska Night. She needs something to make her happy since it is one of those bad anniversaries. My human brother died 6 years ago. I'm sure he is healthy and happy, and I bet he misses Mommy too. I will have to make sure I do a lot of funny things today to make Mommy laugh. Fortunately, Mommy prefers to laugh.

I hope all you dogs have a wonderful weekend, and make sure your humans don't get into any trouble.

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Who Approves of Alaska Night)

 

No Doggy Astronauts

May 1st 2008 2:36 pm
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I was looking up at the stars last night, and I then realized what NASA stands for: National Association of Stupid Astronauts. I don't mean to put the people who want to go to the stars down, but if they aren't stupid, they must be insane. I have never once heard a dog say he wants to fly out into space. You have to stay in a space capsule or wear a silly space suit. There are no dog parks, and no stores that sell squeaky toys so what is the point of going there? Humans will spend cazillions of dollars trying to go somewhere where no one can live. You don't see us dogs doing that. We are perfectly content to stay here on Earth. There aren't even little animals to chase in space. I know the humans don't see things the way us dogs do, but I think that is what makes the humans so unhappy. We dogs are happy if we have a roof over our heads, food in our tummies, toys to play with, and humans to love us. Why can't the humans be so easily satisfied? If space were so wonderful, why do all the space aliens come here and abduct humans? They come here because being from the stars is lousy, and they know a good planet when they see it.

I don't know if people know it, but all aliens are not from space. Some of them come from other countries. There must be different agencies for the space aliens and the Earth aliens. I wonder if it gets confusing knowing which agency to register with.

Mommy went to the human vet today, and she has to have an MRI which I think means Mean Rotten Interrupter since it will interrupt my time with her. At least Mommy brought home toys and Burger King. I hope all you dogs out there get BK and toys.

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Who Is Happy On Earth)

 

April 30th 2008 12:21 pm
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I have some sad news to report. At the last minute, Conan cancelled my appearance on his show. I don't blame him. I think it was the silly person he put in charge of scheduling guests. I know he is a busy man, and he can't do everything himself. I think it would be great if Jeff and I could appear on his show together so I'm asking them to re-schedule. Why would they prefer to have some "star" on the show who isn't even running for President? I think there was some serious problem that needed the attention of the Pale Force. It must be hard to host a late night show, and also be part of the Pale Force keeping the world safe from whatever--I hope it is the sun's rays, because they are kind of pale, and I've seen Mommy in the sun. She mainly just burns and loses skin. I bet that is what the Pale Force does too because I suspect they are paler than Mommy. We dogs have more sense. You don't see us sun-burn. We have the common sense to have fur to cover our skin. Humans could take a lesson. Fur works better than sun screen, and it is FREE.

Mommy and Jeff went to a movie last night so Angel and I had to baby sit our human brother. He is only 24, so he needs constant attention. Angel jumps on him every now and then to keep him in line. Actually Angel just likes to jump on people and give them Siberian hugs. The movie they went to see was Harold and Kumar. Mommy thought it was funny. Mommy says they made George W. look a little too intelligent, but I'm sure that was poetic license.

Speaking of the W, I think it stands for Wimpy. It works so many ways. He is cowardly, and if he were into hamburgers, I can just hear him say, If you buy me a hamburger today for $3.50, it will save you money because I'm going to raise the price of burgers to $10,59 next week.

I have finally decided to unveil my new economic plan. It took a lot of thought to come up with it. The "W" has made such a mess of the economy that it wasn't an easy process to find a solution. Some may think that I will suggest the oil companies pay extra taxes. I don't believe that is necessary. I think the whole oil industry should be socialized. Yes, you heard me. Let the govt. take over, and then there will be no reason to charge more than the necessary amount. I am a firm believer in capitalism, but let's face it, some things are necessary, and gas is one of them. Because the oil companies have proved over and over again that they are greedy jerks who will destroy the country so they can make a bigger profit, they should no longer be allowed to run the companies. I would put them in jail--those jerks at Enron would get the death penalty. Why not? The oil men are mostly from Texas. They love the death penalty there. It it not only a state that makes sure the death penalty is in place, but they bring in the hot dogs vendors, and some people even bring their own barbeque sauce. Private enterprise is my personal preference, but the oil companies have done the "energy crisis thing" one time too many. In the early 70's, we were supposedly running out of fuel yet as soon as prices got higher, it was flowing freely. I think the oil companies have lost the right to free enterprise and capitalism. To go back to the early days of this country, Don't tread on me. This is Demon Flash Bandit telling the oil companies. Don't worry, there will be no shortage of electicity to fry you jerks.

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Who Needs to Fix the Country)

 

Forget Kiddy Meals--Serve Doggy Meals!!!!

April 29th 2008 8:33 am
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I have noticed a lot of advertising on dogster. com. I was just wondering why I see all these dog related products advertised, and yet Burger King isn't a sponsor. I want them to have a dog friendly meal with a squeaky toy instead of those silly human toys. It could have a burger, a choice of fries for dogs that like them or those tasty little navel oranges like Wendys has. and for a drink, we could choose to have a milkshake or a nice fruit tasting water. I think the people at Burger King are missing a big opportunity. It would be great if they would have an area where the owners could eat with their dogs because we dogs like to go out for dinner occasionally too. They let toddlers in to the restaurant, and most of them aren't housebroken, and they leave a big mess. Most of us dogs are very clean with our food. The employees wouldn't even had to sweep or mop after we get done. A little greenhouse room that we could go to year-round would be perfect. I hope the king is reading this. If you want your royal family to continue to be wealthy, I suggest you start listening to this dog. I happen to be good at coming up with ideas for making money. If they didn't interfere with my nap time so much, I might actually be making money. Hey, it takes a lot of energy to think up all this stuff.

Angel is still sticking to her "the toy's eyes fell off because it was defective story". I'll give her credit for coming up with a good story, and having the stubborn stupidity to stick to it when no one around here believes her.

I have some Presidential compaigning to do. I plan to be on a couple of talk shows. I'm scheduled for Conan tonight. I think he is the best of all the late night talk show hosts. He is always doing something funny. I hope I can count on his support, but I'm not sure if he is supporting me or not. I need to ask if he will allow Jeff on his show since Jeff needs a chance to show his talent nationwide. Perhaps if all us dogs write the show and ask for Jeff to appear, maybe Conan will put him on there.

Demon Flash Bandit (Doggy Meals at Burger King)

 

Angel is Bird in Dog Costume????

April 28th 2008 9:25 am
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I want to mention what a delightful time I had at Samoa's Pier on Pirate Night. I was particularly touched when the Pirate Band played that lovely song, "Let's kill that stupid parrot". I was almost moved to tears when they played that. I hope more dogs will join us next week when I think Alaska night is scheduled. I know all you huskies and malamutes will want to attend.

I hope all you dogs had a lovely weekend. Mine was nice. Angel Zoom Smokey got in trouble AGAIN yesterday for ripping the eyes off the little beanie baby donkey from the Shriek movie. She claims she was holding him lovingly in her paws, and his eyes fell off. She said Mommy should sue the TY company for making an inferior product. Mommy didn't buy that story and told her she was a bad dog. I've been telling her she is a bad dog for the past year. As usual, she kissed her way out of trouble. Mommy still can't understand how she got the toy since it was out of her reach. I think she flew up and got it. It is the only logical explanation. I don't think dogs are supposed to fly so I think she bears watching. Angel Zoom Smokey could be a bird in a dog costume. If so, she is out of here.

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Who Hates Birds)

 

Demon Flash Bandit, Problem Solver

April 27th 2008 8:39 am
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Some of you dogs may be wondering why I've been so critical of George W. in my recent entries. He won't be in office much longer, and he can't run again so you might ask why he matters. I will have to take over and solve all the problems caused by his incompetency so I think my criticisms are valid. As many of my loyal readers understand, I am a dog who values my nap time. When I have to solve some stupid problems left behind by an incompetent, it will cut into my nap time, and then this dogs gets mad. When Demon Flash Bandit gets mad, people get told off--this time I'm just doing it in advance. I am tired of the greed of the oil companies, and their constant lies. If they were just passing on an increase in the price of oil that is beyond their control and is the fault of other countries, then why are they making record profits? They aren't passing higher prices along. They are creating higher prices to fill their wallets. When people have to pay more for gas, many of them will start cheaping up on their dogs--some dogs will get dog food instead of people food, and some may even end up homeless or in shelters because their humans might not have to money to care for them. This is why this dog is speaking out and letting other dogs know that it is time to put a dog in the White House. The real enigma for me is that George W. has dogs. Why isn't he listening to them? If he were listening to the wisdom of his dogs, he wouldn't be getting the criticism of Demon Flash Bandit.

I also want to mention this lady named Ann Coulter. In case some of you dogs were wondering, I would consider myself a moderate dog. I think some of the liberal dogs can get a little wacky--they aren't even supporting my kill every bird issue which is the main issue of my campaign. Conservatives don't realize this, but they are just as wacky in the other direction--let's kill the birds and if a lot of dogs die as a result, it is okay. As most of the dogs out there can easily see, the truth is usually in the middle---birds should die, but dogs don't need to die along with the birds. Anyway, I have a couple of comments to make about this woman. She has written a few books. I only have a couple of things to say about those books. The first comment is that I have chatted with all types of people in my campaign, and none are really bad even if they disagree with me on differing issues. This is a free country. The founding fathers meant for it to be a free country, and I think it is sad when you assume that just because someone doesn't agree that you shouldn't even talk to them. Mommy has relatives and friends who think the George W. isn't a idiot. They are good people and Mommy doesn't get mad at them because they think George W. is okay. My second comment is that just because you aren't a super Conservative doesn't mean you aren't religious or spiritual. For those of you who are Christians, Jesus' behavior was not always in sync with the religious people of his time. He did things that were disapproved of--for example, he once had the nerve to heal someone on the Sabbath. If I were Ann Coutler, I'd be careful of assuming I knew what God thinks about various issues. I hope one day she will realize that good people come in all shapes, sizes, colors, and political affiliations. We dogs know this because there are dogs living with all differing types of people, and those people love us and treat us good. God knows whose heart is good, and I think that is the important thing to remember---I'm sure God mainly wants us to kill all the birds!!!

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Who Sees Good In All Kinds Of People)

 
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