Adventures of a lead dog

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Titles Can Be Mis-Leading

March 5th 2008 10:28 am
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I would like to complain about movie titles. I think a title should tell you what the movie is about. When I title my diary entries, I try to give another dog an idea of the subject matter. You can imagine how upset I got when I got out Daddy's dvd, Hamburger Hill. The title tells a dog that it is a touching story about hamburgers on a hill. I thought maybe there were a bunch of Burger Kings built on a hill. It had nothing to do with hamburgers or Burger King. It was actually about a battle in VietNam called Hamburger Hill!!!! This dog wants to state very clearly that I like my hamburgers without fighting, and I think I speak for most of the men that were actually involved in that battle, I bet they would have also preferred to be ordering a nice juicy whopper at Burger King. I will take this opportunity to thank the people who did have to go through so much with so little appreciation at the time. I know my Daddy was there, and he never wanted to be there. You have my Demon Flash Bandit salute for going through so much. I also hope you get all the Burger King you want. By the way, if drive through takes too long, blow the horn. That is what I do. Luckily for Mommy the employees know me and they know I know how to blow the horn. A dog can't help not wanting to wait long if he is very hungry. I also want to add that the title does fit the movie, but this dog has no idea why the battle was called Hamburger Hill. However, the title is officially accurate so I can't complain about the title. Next time, I'm going to look at the cover of the dvd. If I don't see a burger, I'm going to be suspicious. Daddy and I used to watch Platoon together because that is the group that Daddy was in. If I were him, I think I would have stayed at their main place in Hawaii. I bet Hawaii was a lot more fun. I guess they don't give them a choice or everyone would have been in Hawaii--probably at Burger King if they are anything like me.

That movie has made my entry far too serious, and as most of you know, I like to keep my entries funny and happy which is not always easy when I live in such a stupid world run by stupid humans. I'm sure I can so a lot to make things better when I am elected President, but at the moment, I just have to put up with the way it is. Remember to vote for me. I need all the doggy support I can get. A lot of people still plan to vote human.

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Who LOVES Burger King)

 

Fortune Cookies Know What They are Talking About

March 4th 2008 11:33 am
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Fortune cookies are amazingly accurate. If you want a prediction of what is going to happen in the future, break one of those little cookies open and you'll have your answer. I know this because I had the uncanny experience of having a fortune cookie tell me exactly what was going to happen. I found a bag of furtune cookies (Is is fortune or furtune?) and I opened it up and took one out. It said I was going to find a treasure. What was in front of me? A delicious cookie treasure. How accurate can it be? I don't know who puts the fortunes in those cookies, but they must be psychic because I don't know what else could explain how a cookie could know what is going to happen in advance. Could it be that the person or dog who puts the fortunes in is a time traveller from the future? I don't think that would explain it since I doubt that me finding a bag of cookies would make the news. That would probably only work for bigger events that get news coverage. It also wouldn't be Paris Hilton getting caught driving drunk and not getting any punishment for her actions. That isn't news either. I'm sure she is doing it everyday. Another non news story would be Brittany Spears taking good care of her children and not acting crazy. That also isn't new worthy. However, any person with any sense would know to put: you will be driving while tipsy in Paris' cookie or you are totally nuts in Brittany's cookie. Of course, Brittany would be too crazy to understand and she would be complaining because the cookie doesn't have any nuts in it when the fortune clearly says nuts. She is not only crazy, but also not the smartest girl in the world.

I want to know why idiots like those celebs make the news when dogs like the ones who played in the dog movies get so little coverage. I personally would rather read about what they are up to than to read about the Paris Hilton's latest brush with the law who will let her go as soon as her parents get the bribe money out. Mommy thinks it is sad because her parents don't seem to realize that one day she could die in an accident, and money won't buy you out of that fate. Mommy is one of the more sensible humans. Some of them are incredibly stupid.

I'd better go and have another fortune cookie. I'm hoping it is a good fortune because if it isn't, I'll have to go bite that psychic.

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Who Pays Attention to Cookies)

 

More Presents for Me

March 3rd 2008 9:47 am
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Angel Zoom Smokey brought up the zombie issue in a recent diary entry, and I have been doing a bit of research since I have never met a real zombie. I thought that I'd better let everyone know a very important fact. Don't feed them salt. That makes them realize they are zombies, and then they get mad about being zombies. I don't yet know what I need to do about them, but I just wanted to let you know if you run into one, give it a salt-free diet. The last thing you need to deal with is a mad zombie. A regular zombie is bad enough.

Mommy went to see Semi-Pro last night. She liked it. Jeff said it would have been infinitely better if they had used him as an extra in its filming. I think the kid has a slightly large ego, but he does have a point. Having Angel and me in it would have made it the best picture of the year. I had such a good laugh yesterday. Angel ruined 2 of Mommy's stuffed animals, and I knew she was going to get severely punished and possibly banished from living here. As it turned out, Mommy told her she was being a bad dog, and that was it. I guess I'll have to put up with her. It doesn't look like the humans will ever kick her out. The toys were out of her reach--she jumped to get them so you would think she would be in really deep trouble.

Angel's birthday is this week, and Mommy has already got her present. I don't know what it is because Mommy got me something similar. When Mommy got Angel the same present she got me on my birthday, I was a little annoyed, but she promised me she would do the same for me so I guess it is good for me since I'm an getting and extra day of presents, and I can't complain about that. Okay, I could complain, but it would be stupid, and I'm a dog so I can't be stupid. Stupid is for humans.

I hope all you dogs out there in Dogland have a good week.

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Who Likes Getting Presents)

 

Demon Flash Bandit's Advice is the Advice to Follow

March 2nd 2008 12:47 pm
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I'm sorry about not writing an entry yesterday, but the computer gave a few problems and needed to be re-started, and I didn't have time because Mommy was taking off to do some errands. The errands weren't that bad because they resulted in Angel and me getting an entire bag of Dingo bones. As some of you dogs already know, Dingo bones are out favorite rawhides. Anyway, I'm back.

Angel Zoom Smokey has been a bigger pest that usual. I have a group called Dog Advice from Demon Flash Bandit which I started to help dogs with important issues (my inspiration was when my pal Alley couldn't get to the jam cake in the refrigerator so I sent her a paw mail explaining how to open a refrigerator door). That is when I realized that a lot of dogs experience problems that I, Demon Flash Bandit could help them solve. I am the dog who knows how to open the bedroom door to get in, and I also mastered opening the car door. That one wasn't so wonderful because I did it on the freeway. Talk about being a scared dog. Luckiy I was in Mommy's lap on the passenger side, and Mommy saw what I did and managed to shut the door before it got too open. A further bit of advice--don't open the car door when the car is moving. (By the way, all you dogs are welcome to join my group).
I didn't mean to digress which I've heard referred to as chasing rabbits which sounds like an okay diversion to me as long as I can be friends when I catch them. I've very fond of rabbits. The issue here is that I allowed Angel Zoom Smokey to be an administrator also. I was trying to be nice to the silly puppy, and let her give advice on make-up, nail polish (yes, they do make "claw" polish, etc.) Imagine my surprise when my pal Savannah Blue Belle wrote me to ask me about how to deal with an annoying brother. I ansered her advice, and as usual, my advice was not only brilliant, but also the best advice any dog could ever receive. You can imagine my shock the next day when Angel had also given advice which was from a silly puppy, had nothing to do with make-up, etc., and was totally un-needed. I think she did it because the annoying brother in question was her boyfriend, Samoa, The Honeybear. I not only lose my Milkbone listening to her talk of their love, but now I have her sneaking HER ADVICE on the problem in question. This was very unprofessional behavior, and I told her so, but she says puppies need advice too. My advice to her is to seek psychiatric care. I think she is one nutty puppy. I told the Fster who almost has a degree in psychology, and he said he wasn't qualified to dispense advice on problems yet. When will he be able to do so, and can you trust advice from a kid who has a Mystery Science Theatre poster in his bedroom? Yes, you read correctly. It is a show that was on years ago that has a guy and a robot watching really bad movies and making comments about them. Jeff has actually bought a lot of that stuff on dvd. Sometimes he adds his own comments. It is so sad for a dog to have to watch and listen to a human who is so pathetic. Maybe it is just as well that he isn't giving Angel Zoom Smokey advice. He is the one who chose the Zoom Smokey part of her name. Zoom is some odd comic book hero that I'm guessing few people even know about except Jeff and a few other comic book fans. The sad thing is that he is far "cooler" than the brother who died (that one liked Mystery Science Theater also). Robby actually like Classical music and he liked to read. I'll give Jeff credit on that one. Jeff has the motto, Why read if the book is going to be made into a movie. Anyway, if you happen to write for advice in my group, and Angel Zoom Smokey answers your advice, remember to wait until I respond. If we agree, it was terrific advice. If we disagree, ignore Angel Zoom Smokey.

Demon Flash Bandit (Advice Dog)

 

I Prefer a Winter Wonderland

February 29th 2008 11:08 am
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Mommy went to the store yesterday and brought home a new box of Milkbone which, of course, was mine. Mommy had to put it out of our reach because that idiot Angel thought it was hers. I don't know when she is going to understand that I was here first so everything is mine unless I say otherwise, and I doubt that I will ever say otherwise when it comes to Milkbone. It was about time Mommy got some more. That box she bought earlier in the week only lasted 2 days. She knows us. She should buy the huge box.

This is the last day of a very delightful month. I don't know why most humans don't love January and February. The winter weather is so delightful. I'm sorry for you dogs out there who don't have winter weather. You have my sympathy. February has an extra day this year because it is leap year. I think that means we are supposed to do a lot of extra jumping this year. I don't see the humans around here doing any extra jumping so I guess it is up to us dogs to do it for them.

Easter is next month. I think it is nice that the bunnies have their own holiday. However, I don't like the fact that Easter seems to bring on lousy weather. It starts getting warmer, and before you know it, the horrible seasons of spring and summer arrive. Those are 2 seasons we huskies could live without. Most of the humans seem to enjoy them, but humans are idiots so their opinions don't count.

I'd better go and take a nap. The whole idea of spring and summer is so depressing. I hope everydog has a wonderful weekend.

Demon Flash Bandit (Hater of Spring and Summer)

 

How Strong is Paper?????

February 28th 2008 9:23 am
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Hold the applause everyone. Saving the planet is all in a day's work for Demon Flash Bandit, SuperDog. I know the cape might look a little silly, but it is the only way I have to keep my identity safe. I have to admit, hurling that giant Meteor to a new path to keep it from hitting Earth was amazing, but I do things like that everyday.......oh, people can read this. Uh, I was just doing some thinking. I'm not SuperDog's mild mannered secret identity. I'm sure SuperDog looks a lot different from me. There is no way he would look like me with a cape. You know he would have a better disguise than that. That would be like a human thinking he can put on a pair of glasses and not be recognized. Even humans are smarter than that--and heaven knows they aren't very smart.

Today I would like to know what is going on with paperweights. I'm not making fun of the humans and their language, but have any of you dogs out there every seen paper lift anything? Do they create paperweights to make the paper feel bad? Does the paper sit around crying and feeling like it is useless because it can't lift a paperweight. I think the humans are just trying to make paper feel bad by coming out with a product like that. Angel and I watch The Office all the time, and we want to know since Dunder Mifflin sells paper, does it also sell paperweights or do you have to go the the paperweight company to get them. Also, if the paperweight gets to fat, does it have to go on a diet. These are the types of questions that we dogs have to sleep so much to try to solve. You can't expect the humans to solve anything. They are the idiots who buy the weights for the paper to lift. Then they say the paper won't move when they have the "weights" on it. If they know the paper can't lift it, why did they buy it for the paper to lift in the first place? I don't think we will ever understand humans--they are just too stupid!!!!!

Demon Flash Bandit (NOT SUPERDOG)

 

I Am Close Friends With Mirror Dog

February 27th 2008 9:56 am
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I have heard nothing from Homeland Security about the Zombie, Werewolf, and Vampire threat so I'm assuming they want to continue being a totally useless agency. I have a suggestion for you humans running things. Hire people who know what they are doing. You humans have more incompetents running things than cats have lives. If you have a relative or friend you want to hire, put them in charge of something they have some knowledge about. For example, perhaps you have a drunken, alcoholic to place into a career. Why not make him head of giving our liquor licenses? That is something he knows about. He will probably make more money for the agency because he will give licenses to everyone. Children won't have lemonade or kool-aid stands, they will be selling beer. I bet their business will pick up immediately. I don't know why. My own Mommy hates the taste of beer, but a lot of humans must have un-evolved taste buds because they love it.

The main subject I want to discuss today is the interviews I've been doing with the dog in the mirror. He is also a male husky. He is black and white, has blue eyes, and is about my size. I have to tell you that I think he is a very handsome dog. Anyway, he lives in the mirror because everytime I go to the mirror, I see him there. Angel says she sees a female husky, but I think she needs glasses. Anyway, I do interviews with him, and I know I am always right because he ALWAYS agrees with whatever I say. By the way, he thinks I should be president. He is always appalled by the behavior of Angel Zoom Smokey. This is why when I say something, I know I am right because I've already discussed it with the dog in the mirror. Thanks for you help, Dog in the Mirror. I don't know what I would do without you.

Several days ago, I covered the subject of shoes. My pal, Breezy, sent me a paw mail with a link to yahoo that had a story about German Shepherd Police Dogs in Germany. They will be wearing dog shoes in the future. I know my diary entries are important, but that one was almost prophetic. The official story is that they are protecting the dog's paws from injury. Dogs have proudly walked bare pawed for centuries, and now the humans want to make them wear shoes. Hats will be next--the excuse the humans will have will be that the hats keep their ears warm. When I become President, I will have to invade Germany because of their WMDs---Whopping Mad Dogs. I know if you try to put booties on me, I become whopping mad and someone may lost a finger or two. I have no patience with humans' stupidity.

I hope all you dogs out there will send some letters of protest to the German police. Dogs Don't Wear Shoes!!!!!! Make that message loud and clear. NO SHOES, NO SHOES, NO SHOES, NO SHOES.

I appreciate all the support from my loyal dogs on Dogter. Let's continue to work to get complete equality for all us dogs.

Demon Flash Bandit (Mirror Dog's Friend)

 

Werewolves: Major Threat

February 26th 2008 11:16 am
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Angel Zoom Smokey hasn't been writing diary entries much lately so she made up for it yesterday by writing a book. I thought she would never quit hogging the computer. I have to make a couple of comments on her entry. I am pleased that she has decided to become my Vice President. I didn't want to see the dog vote split between the two of us so that a human would take advantage of it and win. She also brought up a very important point about the zombie problem. I have noticed a lot of zombie movies have been made, and yet there is nothing being done about the situation. Angel even pointed out that zombies have been in high govt. positions (she even had the guts to name one--Bob Dole--if he isn't a zombie then I don't know who is). Anyway, I have also wondered why there isn't a homeland security plan in the event we are attacked by werewolves and vampires. Homeland Security doesn't seem to be able to do much of anything so maybe they can redeem themselves with the new threat--okay that was a laugh!!! I know some of you are probably thinking, there aren't any such creatures. I'm sure that is what they want you to believe. However, Daddy's Grandmother came from a place called Transylvania, and they know about these things there. His mother told stories about girls who were abducted from villages by werewolves. No, there is no reason to assume these girls just ran away. THEY WERE ABDUCTED BY WEREWOLVES--you obviously weren't reading the diary entry correctly. Isn't that what most of us assume when people are missing? I think the correct scientific explanation is werewolves. I'm glad you dogs are reading this because the humans never get it. I have some quick tips for you. Do some reasearch on what kills these creatures because Hollywood isn't always accurate. I once saw a movie where Custer was being nice to the Native Americans and he won at the Little Big Horn. I don't think it was historically accurate although Daddy who was in the Cavalry seemed to like that version. Custer was from Monroe, MI, and there is a nice museum in Monroe that has a lot of his memorabilia. Anyway, I would do the research for you, but that would cut into my nap time. and I already have to spend a lot of my nap time campaigning so you are on your own. Besides, research is boring.

Demon Flash Bandit (Homeland Security Alert)

 

Campbell's Kids

February 25th 2008 10:40 am
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Last night was Oscar night, and I didn't even bother to watch them since we dogs never seem to be represented even though we are the most talented actors and actresses ever to grace the screen. The humans just can't stand competition from us, can they? Mommy went to see a movie last night, Vantage Point. I think it had something to do about the point at which a van gets old. I could be wrong, but that is what it sounds like to me. I guess that is useful information because when it gets to that point, I guess you are supposed to buy a new car.
As my loyal readers know, I have many philosophical observations about the humans--both the ones I live with and humans in general. Today I thought I would cover the Campbell's Kids. These are the 3 little kids who have been pushing Campbell's soup since pre-history. They are the adorable little cartoon kids that push the general public to buy the soup. One is carrying a cup of Campbell's soup, one is carrying a bowl and one is carrying a giant spoon which actually looks a little large for the bowl. They have stupid looking hats and they look happy (probably because they have made a fortune selling the soup). Let's not forget that catchy slogan: M'm! M'm! Good! It must have taken an advertising genius to come up with that one. I can just see the meeting. I think we should use, It's DELICIOUS. No, that is too big a word. The kids might have trouble remembering it. How about, M'm M'm---not that isn't enough. M'm M'm Great. No, it just doesn't sound right to me. I've got it M'm M'm Good. Add some excalmation points and we've got our slogan. That was a great day in marketing history. It isn't that I mind the Campbell's kids, but I've seen children eating soup, and the only reason we dogs don't mind is that children tend to be messy eaters so we get to eat more of their food than they do. Now you know the real reason we like children. I also wonder why companies spend millions of dollars to market a 75 cent item. I hope they make their money in volume because otherwise, theyare really making some very bad financial decisions.

Since I"ve been writing about food, it has made me hungry. I'm going to get off the computer and spend a bit of time in the kitchen.

Demon Flash Bandit (Wondering About Marketing)

 

Shoes--Why Do Humans Wear Them?????????

February 24th 2008 9:58 am
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Today my subject for contemplation is shoes. I have 4 paws, and Mommy once got the bright idea of putting some booties on them. Mommy thought me wearing booties would be "so cute". Let's just say that the whole bootie idea was abandoned due to lack of cooperation by Yours Truly. If you let the humans get by with booties, then the next step is a hat, and before you know it, you are wearing a suit, and working in some office somewhere doing a job you hate and not getting paid enough. Silly humans--work is for people, not for dogs. Back to the subject of shoes, humans have so many different kinds of shoes, it is amazing: Hiking shoes, dress shoes, high heels, sandals, slippers, winter boots, cowboy boots, dress boots, work boots, combat boots, aqua shoes, sneakers, tennis shoes, work shoes, othopedic shoes, baby shoes, baby booties, flip flops, etc. Obviously, you get the idea that humans spend most of their life hunting for shoes. There are shoe horns, and shoe trees, shoe museums, shoe polish, and shoe dye, etc. It is enough to make a dog's head hurt. The humans obviously like to wear shoes. If they don't wear shoes, it is called going barefoot which, in case you are worrying, their feet do not turn into bear paws. The humans have a lot of odd quirks in their languages. I'm sure you are wondering, "why the need for any shoes in the first place?" I don't know why they like to wear shoes, but I do know that they waste way too much time on them. That time could be better spent napping or going to BK to get burgers. You may be thinking that by spending so much time with humans, we might start getting silly and want to wear shoes too. Don't worry about it. We are way too smart to ever WANT to wear shoes.

I hope all you dogs are having a wonderful bare paw weekend.

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Who Goes Bare Pawwed)

 
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