Adventures of a lead dog

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June 16th 2008 4:31 pm
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I have been writing about all the areas of the country that are too dry because the birds are stealing the rain and selling it to the penquins. I am very sorry about the floods in Iowa, and the dogs there have my sincere sympathy. I just want to let you know that the floods are the birds' fault. They steal rain, and when they were flying over your area, they dropped the rain without meaning to which, of course, caused flooding. Those birds are just so evil that they hurt everyone everywhere. Iowa dogs, I hope things are back to normal soon, and next time you see a bird, be sure and kill it. Those birds are rotten.

Mommy just finished reading an interesting bit of news about Laura Bush killing a classmate when she was 17. They were rumored to have been dating, but I'm not actually sure about that. I feel it is my duty to report what I learn since it seems like most of the humans haven't heard this story. Laura was driving, and she ran a red light and hit a car at an intersection. The driver of that car died. I know accidents happen, but I am wondering how many people who are charged with manslaughter walk away scot free. I guess she must have known the right people. Perhaps since it was Texas, they gave her a medal because those people seem to really like it when people die.

By the way, I thought of a reason why the NRA needs loaded guns in national parks. You know that Yogi character who is smarter than the average bear and steals pic-a-nic baskets. I bet he won't be smarter than the average bear when he tries to steal that NRA member's lunch. I'm sure they would say that a gun would also come in handy if you meet Yosemite Sam, and you have a shoot out with him. Maybe I was too harsh on the NRA for wanting loaded guns in national parks. Why does the phrase, happiness is a warm gun come to mind now?

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Who Educates)

 

June 16th 2008 4:24 pm
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I have been writing about all the areas of the country that are too dry because the birds are stealing the rain and selling it to the penquins. I am very sorry about the floods in Iowa, and the dogs there have my sincere sympathy. I just want to let you know that the floods are the birds' fault. They steal rain, and when they were flying over your area, they dropped the rain without meaning to which, of course, caused flooding. Those birds are just so evil that they hurt everyone everywhere. Iowa dogs, I hope things are back to normal soon, and next time you see a bird, be sure and kill it. Those birds are rotten.

Mommy just finished reading an interesting bit of news about Laura Bush killing a classmate when she was 17. They were rumored to have been dating, but I'm not actually sure about that. I feel it is my duty to report what I learn since it seems like most of the humans haven't heard this story. Laura was driving, and she ran a red light and hit a car at an intersection. The driver of that car died. I know accidents happen, but I am wondering how many people who are charged with manslaughter walk away scot free. I guess she must have known the right people. Perhaps since it was Texas, they gave her a medal because those people seem to really like it when people die.

By the way, I thought of a reason why the NRA needs loaded guns in national parks. You know that Yogi character who is smarter than the average bear and steals pic-a-nic baskets. I bet he won't be smarter than the average bear when he tries to steal that NRA member's lunch. I'm sure they would say that a gun would also come in handy if you meet Yosemite Sam, and you have a shoot out with him. Maybe I was too harsh on the NRA for wanting loaded guns in national parks. Why does the phrase, happiness is a warm gun come to mind now?

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Who Educates)

 

Scared of Buying Tomatoes???

June 14th 2008 11:07 am
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My pal, Alley, has invented a bird zapper, and thanks to Alley's untiring efforts to rid the world of birds, their area in TN is getting rain. I am always happy to hear of all the dogs who are going above and beyond their doggly duties to kill those evil birds.

Mommy had some errands to run yesterday so I got Burger King
Mommy decided to get dinner there so she ordered a whopper meal. I don't know about all the restaurants, but Burger King and Taco Belle in our area aren't using any tomatoes now. I think it is from some salmonella scare. Mommy said the whopper was okay, but she really missed the tomatoes, and she won't be anxious to eat there again until they return the tomatoes. She saw that the people who pick the tomatoes for Burger King got a pay raise. She is wondering if the scare is actually salmonella or if the people at Burger King are "scared of buying tomatoes". My personal opinion is that the BK people are being cheap. The raise wasn't much, but fast food companies aren't known for being generous. I guess Mommy will have to find somewhere else to eat until they put tomatoes back on the menu. She usually eats Chinese or Greek anyway and I don't like them on my burgers so it doesn't affect me.

I am glad that the Pier Gift Shop had chocolate licorice. It was excellent. I guess the different flavors sold well. All the pups wanted to have a licorice "whip" so they could act like Indiana Jones. I've never seen so many hats on pups in my life.

I hope all you dogs out there have a good weekend, and remember, a vote for Demon is a vote for Dog Equality.

Demon Flash Bandid ( Dog of the Hour)

 

Loaded Guns In National Parks

June 13th 2008 9:21 am
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Will Rogers, that great humorist from the past, was an absolute genius since he took events from the newspaper and made comments on them. His comments were very funny, and very true. If he were alive today, he would hit the Mother Lode with news to comment on. I saw today that the NRA (Bless their little gun toting hearts) wants to see loaded guns allowed into National Parks. I'm not sure if this is to shoot at animals, humans, or trees and rocks. I wasn't aware of the necessity of taking guns into the parks since I usually think of parks as a place to go to relax and enjoy nature. I guess some people aren't happy if they can't shoot at something. I'm not against guns, but I don't think it is wise to allow them into parks. You know it won't be long until a couple of kids are shot because they were walking around in the park, and the NRA gun owner thought the sound was from Big Foot, and he/she couldn't take the chance that Big Foot might kill if not shot at first. If Vice President Cheney is strolling through the park, he might need to shoot a friend. If they are that scared and paranoid, maybe they should stay home and guard their house. I'm sure Charlton Heston is looking down the barrel of his loaded gun proudly on his group. I am wondering how long it will be before everyone gets to walk around with a loaded weapon. I'm sure the world will be a much happier place when everyone has a loaded gun and it is an even playing field.

Another item of interest was a forward sent to mommy by a relative who wants to make sure that people know how many zeroes there are in a billion. Mommy is assuming this relative wasn't a math major since Mommy knows how many zeroes a billion has, and math wasn't Mommy's favorite subject. Of course, this is because Louisiana needs money to re-build New Orleans. The billions needed had to be explained since most of us have no idea how much money a billion dollars happens to be. I'm a dog, and I can tell you that a billion dollars is a lot of Burger King. However, re-building New Orleans at 250 billion is a total and complete waste of money yet having a war cost billions and billions of dollars with no end in sight is okay. Evidently a billion dollars is money well spent if you get a war. Why is it the humans have no problem spending billions of dollars to hurt each other yet don't want to spend a dime on re-building a city? Why are humans running things when they are mixed up. It is about time we dogs were making the important decisions which is why I am running for President.

I hope all you dogs have a good weekend, and if you are heading out to a National Park, wear a bullet proof vest because the NRA people may be so excited that they start bringing the loaded guns now. Why wait until it is official.

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog News Commentator)

 

Dry Weather

June 12th 2008 10:59 am
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I have an ultra important announcement for all dogs. Some areas of the country have been having less rainfall. The governor of CA has even made it official. When the governor of CA make an announcement, it is more important than if it were made in any of the other states because he isn't just the governor, he is the gubernator. Californians, I won't even ask why you picked an actor to be governor and chose a human instead of one of those nice huskies from Eight Below. I guess it is not hard to vote for a man who has been the Terminator, Kindergarten Cop, Danny Devito's twin (Mommy thinks Danny Devito would make a better gov.--people in New York, are you listening), and also the first guy to have a baby. I've seen some of the other governors and, I kind of understand why you people chose him. But I digress, I just brought up CA to make the point that a lot of states are suffering from less rainfall than usual. Even the Great Lakes have been shrinking, and there has been some concern that if it continues, the big ships might not be able to get through. Mommy loves watching them. She has been up to Sault Ste. Marie to watch them come through the lockes. Anyway, I have discovered the reason for the dry spell---BIRDS. Yes, you heard me BIRDS. It isn't enough to steal snow, now they are stealing rain, and freezing it into ice and selling it to the penquins. It was horrible enough when it was snow, but now rain. Those evil birds must be stopped before the world has no water. Sure, the idea of no baths is good, but I like to have water to drink and snow to play in. Those rotten birds have gone too far this time. By the way, all you dogs might volunteer not to have a bath to help in this time of crisis. I know I can count on most of you to be willing to do without a bath. We are so good to the humans.

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Who Likes Rain)

 

Dry Weather

June 12th 2008 10:59 am
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I have an ultra important announcement for all dogs. Some areas of the country have been having less rainfall. The governor of CA has even made it official. When the governor of CA make an announcement, it is more important than if it were made in any of the other states because he isn't just the governor, he is the gubernator. Californians, I won't even ask why you picked an actor to be governor and chose a human instead of one of those nice huskies from Eight Below. I guess it is not hard to vote for a man who has been the Terminator, Kindergarten Cop, Danny Devito's twin (Mommy thinks Danny Devito would make a better gov.--people in New York, are you listening), and also the first guy to have a baby. I've seen some of the other governors and, I kind of understand why you people chose him. But I digress, I just brought up CA to make the point that a lot of states are suffering from less rainfall than usual. Even the Great Lakes have been shrinking, and there has been some concern that if it continues, the big ships might not be able to get through. Mommy loves watching them. She has been up to Sault Ste. Marie to watch them come through the lockes. Anyway, I have discovered the reason for the dry spell---BIRDS. Yes, you heard me BIRDS. It isn't enough to steal snow, now they are stealing rain, and freezing it into ice and selling it to the penquins. It was horrible enough when it was snow, but now rain. Those evil birds must be stopped before the world has no water. Sure, the idea of no baths is good, but I like to have water to drink and snow to play in. Those rotten birds have gone too far this time. By the way, all you dogs might volunteer not to have a bath to help in this time of crisis. I know I can count on most of you to be willing to do without a bath. We are so good to the humans.

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Who Likes Rain)

 

Mountain Climbing

June 11th 2008 4:42 pm
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The climb up Mt. Everest is difficult. Demon Flash Bandit knew it would be hard. He isn't a dog to run from a difficult situation. He knows he can make the climb. He is stuggling with breathing due to the high altitude. Was it worth the effort? What if he doesn't make it back to the people he loves? He has to push thoughts like that out of his mind. There is no going back after coming this far. He makes it to the top. He is a hero. He is like Super Dog. Who would have thought that a dog could make it so high up a mountain. Angel, be quiet, this isn't just a mound of dirt left by the people paving the road. This is Mt. Everest. How did you get up here with a Milkbone for me so fast? This is a grueling climb. There is no way you could make it to the top in one jump. Okay, maybe it isn't Mt. Everest, but if Angel would keep her big mouth shut, my readers would have no idea. Do you have to ruin all my adventures? Give me the Milkbone, and let me have my adventures.

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Adventurer)

 

Hot Dog!

June 10th 2008 10:22 am
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I missed writing yesterday. Something is wrong with the central air, and I have found the coolest spot the house, and I won't budge. Angel, who isn't afraid of stairs like I am is hanging out in the basement. Mommy says she is smart because, when she comes occasionally to kiss Mommy, her fur is nice and cool. Mommy says maybe all of us should be in the basement. I am braving the heat today to write my entry. It has been hot and I'm not happy. I want to kill every bird I see. Those little feathered jerks have stolen my snow and made it warm once again. They must be stopped!!! They seem to do it every year. I am hoping we will win the war against the birds soon so we can stop having this horribly hot weather. Even the humans are complaining. Of course, they complain when it is cold too. I guess there is no pleasing the humans.

Demon Flash Bandit (Hot Dog---Literally)

 

Humans Should Learn That Dirt is Fun

June 8th 2008 7:55 am
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I think this would be the perfect time for Mommy to take me to the neighborhood lake. I know she won't, but a dog can hope. She went swimming in the lake a couple of times, and she says it isn't like a nice clean water pool. Isn't that the fun part of the lake? The humans never seem to have much fun, and I think it is because they haven't learned that most of the fun in life is getting dirty which seems to scare them. Mommy said she can tell it is hot because generally no one is at that particular beach since it is only for the neighborhood, and there were about 10 people there when she passed yesterday. I would hold out some hope of having the Fster take us, but he says he refuses to take me on walks until I learn to let him take charge. What an idiot!! I'm the lead dog. There isn't supposed to be a lead human. I would try to explain it to the kid, but I don't think he will ever understand. After all, the humans aren't as smart as us dogs. I hope some of you dogs out there get to spend some time at a lake. I'm sure there are humans who aren't as silly as mine.

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Who Wants to Visit the Beach)

 

Why No Declaration of War On Birds?

June 7th 2008 9:04 am
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I cannot understand what is going on with the humans. After my entry yesterday suggested that all out war be declared on the birds, the news isn't even covering the story. I am beginning to wonder if the networks are owned by birds. I know they are owned by major companies yet the humans listen to the news and think there is no bias. If the "news station" is owned by Wal-Mart, do you think they are going to have a story that tells us that we should shop at Target? The advertisers also pay a lot of money to advertise. I remember the Dana Carvey show had some problems with one of their sponsors. I think it was Taco Belle. Evidently, the companies that spend millions of dollars on advertising don't like to be made fun of or have controversial issues brought up during shows they sponsor. I remember one skit where he had a Mountain Dew, and he and another guy were discussing what it looked like. I think all us dogs know what Mountain Dew looks like. I wonder how Pepsi liked that skit. I think that explains much about why that was a very short lived show. Can the humans not think for themselves? I know they aren't as smart as us dogs, but many of them are totally clueless as to what is going on in the world. Mommy actually had a conversation yesterday in which the other person said if you want to bring down America, take away the air conditioning by making the energy cost too much. Don't get me wrong--I'm a husky and I like air conditioning, but I'm sure the soldiers at Valley Forge would love to know that the country could fall if people get too hot. I know Mommy is so old that she had a pet dinosaur, but she remembers when she was a kid hardly anyone had air conditioning, and when they went to this little Baptist church once a year that her great-great grandfather helped start in a little place called Head River on Lookout Mountain in Georgia that was so small that mostly all it had was the church, the air conditioning consisted of hand powered fans. Mommy happens to have some very good memories of those once a year visits. We dogs always know what is important---the people and other pets we love, food, a good chewy, and a nice nap. I wonder if the humans will ever learn to be as happy as us dogs.

Demon Flash Bandit (Irate Dog Over No Bird War Declaration)

 
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