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Adventures of a lead dog

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Demon's Head

July 15th 2008 10:39 am
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I can imagine how thrilled my readers are that I'm publishing a new diary entry. It isn't always easy to decide what to write about in my entry. Today I have decided to give you an example of the various thoughts that go through my head so you can get an appreciation of how hard it can be to decide what subject to talk about.

Why is it that when you hear a story like Cinderella, the beautiful girl marries the HANDSOME prince. I know there have to be some handsome princes out there, but I will mention one name, Prince Charles of Great Britain. I'm mean no disrespect, but handsome? No way.

Why is it that when gas stations offered full service, they were a lot cheaper, and they gave out stuff like glasses? Prior to the early 70's, you couldn't buy enough gas. Then it became scarce, and there was no shortage again. Now is it supposed to be short again. How did this happen. Did a new crop of dinosaurs die in the 80's? Why is it that when you are paying so much, there are no glasses or incentives and you have to pump it yourself. Shouldn't you get a discount for doing the work for them?

Why did Batman choose to be Batman when he could have just as easily been Birdman which, in my opinion is clearly more scary. Oh sorry, I wasn't thinking. Birdman would be the villian.

David Hasselhoff--Why did he get top billing in Knight Rider over the car? Did he have a relative who was heading the studio?

Why does Sherriff Roscoe P. Coltraine even bother to chase the Duke boys? You know he won't ever catch them.

How did the professor manage to make all the stuff on Gilligan's Island, but he could never actually build anything that would get them off the island. Also, everyone knows that as soon as you find a nice, private place, everyone and their cousin shows up. Deserted island, my tail!!!

Why does Martha Stewart waste time making a picture frame from sticks when she has a gadzillion dollars. Wouldn't it be smarter just to buy a nice frame? Does she just have too much time on her hands or what?

Why do the movie studios make a movie and then re-make it 5 years later? What is the point?

Why wasn't Evil Roy Slade ever made into a tv show like it was supposed to be. It was very funny, and yet a show like Herman's Head was on for several seasons--several seasons too many according to Mommy.

How can McDonalds be bigger than Burger King when I won't eat their burgers. Why will humans eat there when I, a dog, won't eat there?

I think I've written enough today. Maybe I'll continue these random thoughts tomorrow.

Demon Flash Bandit (Random Thoughts)

 

July 14th 2008 10:19 am
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Once again, this dog is totally shocked by the humans and their utter inablility to think logically and rationally---like us dogs. I wrote a diary entry several days ago discussing this new historic twist to the Presidential campaign--about McCain's financial adviser--the man he HIRED to advise him saying that the U. S. is a nation of whiners. I pointed out that usually the candidates just insult each other. I don't think that there is any other time in the history of this nation where they have insulted the voters. I can't speak for all dogs, but when I get insulted, I'm annoyed. The humans must be totally opposite because according to a Newsweek Poll, McCAin has surged ahead despite the fact that he hasn't done anything differently. I can only conclude that the humans really enjoy being insulted. I know I"ve said humans are stupid, but I don't mean it as an insult--it is just that dogs are far superior in intelligence. It is just a biological fact. Is it because he is insulting the voters, is it because his probable collabortaion with the enemy in VietNam, or is it his advanced age that is making him more popular? I am 4 years old so I can't compete with the age thing. I have never served in the military so I've never had the opprotunity to help or hurt the enemy. Daddy was over there, but he actually had to stay in the jungle. He wasn't an Admiral's son. I really don't want to insult the humans out there. They can't help it that we dogs are so much smarter, and humans, for the most part, are very nice to us dogs despite who they vote for. I guess McCain does give hope to all the older people out there. They can still achieve greatness even if their next door neighbor growing up was Fred Flintstone. What annoys me most is that they aren't addressing the serious issues--how birds should die, that dogs aren't allowed to go anywhere they want to go, that humans don't do what we dogs tell them to do. These are the issues they should be dealing with instead of worrying about what religion each candidate happens to be. Mommy says she has serious doubts about the spirituality of most of the politicians. Let's just say, she doesn't think most of them take it very seriously except as a tool to get people to vote for them. I will cite one exception. I do think Jimmy Carter is honestly religious. I wouldn't give a milkbone for the religion of the rest of them--and I'm talking about both parties.

I also want to report that, sadly, I have not been offered any lucrative financial deals from the advertising people at Burger King, dingo bones, or chummy yummies. How is a dog supposed to get money to hoard when there are no endorsement deals, and Mommy puts her purse out of my reach?

I have an important question for my readers. What is a Beetleborg, and who is this Flabber character? It is getting to the point where coming to the computer is getting wierd. I like cats, but the whiskers cat with the wierd head is just sick. Why does Jeff put them near the computer where a dog has to look at them when he is typing?

I hope all you dogs and your humans had a nice weekend, and keep on barking.

 

Dogs Should Be In Charge

July 13th 2008 9:15 am
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At Christmas time Mommy turns the island in the great room into a Christmas Village. Yes, it is a complete minature town. Mommy has stores, houses a church, and I think there was a bar. I guess that is why the town needs a church. I do have a major problem with this town. It has a McDonalds. Yes, you heard me--a McDonalds. There is not a Burger King, only a McDonalds. Can you believe that Mommy would creat an entire town with no place for a dog to eat? I think the next time she sets it up, I'm going to sneak in there and change it to Burger King. I don't want the dogs starving to death. She had the building before she got me so I supposed she didn't know any better. That is why humans need dogs. Without us, they buy the wrong things. They have small brains and little taste. At least I don't think there are any birds in the town because there is snow, and thanks to me, all you dogs know how the birds steal snow.

Wow, there is a banner on dogster that says I can win a Chloe handbag and $5,000. I wouldn't mind the money, but I don't really care much about the handbag. The handbag must be on there for the humans. I don't know too many dogs who carry them. Since it is on dogster, it is for us dogs, isn't it? I think it is about time we have contests to win things besides those silly trophies which are basically useless. You can't eat them, and they don't squeak or do anything interesting. They actually seem more for the humans. Mommy thought of showing me in dog shows, but the humans in those dog shows are not properly trained. I haven't seen one dog running happily with the human being dragged behind them. The dog walks out,and lets the judges treat them like they are some kind of "thing". What are they trying to prove anyway, that the dogs are on prozac? I think most normal dogs would be sniffing each other's butts, and having a great time, not walking beside a human. I have nothing against dog shows, but I think I should win one, and Mommy says I never would with my attitude toward doing things my way. Isn't there a category for a dog with gumption? I think there should be a "dog who is in charge of his human" category. I think that would allow a lot more of us to compete. What kind of dog would allow the humans to be in charge? Look what a mess the world is in with them running it. It is such a scary thought. Maybe I'll write a script for a horror movie, Humans In Charge, which will be in your local dog theatre early next year. Just when you thought it was safe to enjoy a nap...................HUMANS take over. I think it would be the scariest dog movie ever. Then I will write its sequel, WHEN BIRDS TAKE OVER. That one might be too scary to even watch.

Have a nice, bird free weekend.

Demon Flash Bandit (Advocate for Dogs)

 

Looking Silly Can Be Okay

July 12th 2008 6:44 pm
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I want to thank Jeff for taking the time to put a new photo of me on my page. I like this photo. Notice the red eyes in the middle of my blue eyes. Doesn't it give me the perfect look for my name, Demon? It seems appropriate although I am actually a very nice dog. I just like having a name like Demon so other dogs won't pick on me. A little fear sometimes keeps dogs in line. HA

Jeff has been busily downloading photos for e-bay, and it is quite funny because today when he was trying to take some photos, Angel climbed into his "studio" because she wanted her photo taken. When she was a puppy, she would run every time she saw a camera, and now she is becoming a "model". I think she must have realized that she is a very pretty dog. I was never afraid of the camera. I always enjoyed having my photo made.

I occasionally discuss sports, but basically I'm not a big fan of sports except of tug of war and fetch. I am the Champion (it is also my theme song). I refuse to play tug of war with Angel Zoom Smokey though because I don't want to risk my Champion title. I know I can win against the humans, but Angel, being a husky also, is as stubborn as I am. Besides, I played with her once and she cheats. I hate it when the other person cheats. She put her paws on the toy to give her extra leverage. It is okay if I do it, but when she does it, it is CHEATING!!!!

Anyway, I want to discuss Nascar today. It is an unusual sport because it is car racing which makes it seem like the car is doing the large part of the work. I don't care how good the driver is, without a car, he wouldn't even be competing. This is a lot like dog sled racing. The dogs do the work and the human tries to take the credit. I saw a Nascar action figure (no car just a guy--like he could win without a car), whose name is Tony Stewart. He had on a Home Depot shirt. It is bad enough that they have to be in a sport where the car is more important than they are, but they end up being a walking billboard also. I have no idea how the sport started, but I think it was thought up by businesses who want to advertise their product. I'm not saying that I wouldn't wear a shirt that says Yummy Chummies or Dingo Bones, but I would never lower myself to wear one that says Home Depot. I'm actually not a big fan of Home Depot. I've heard they dont' even carry dog toys or treats. It is one of those silly stores meant for humans. Wait, they pay people to wear that stuff, and they can turn around and use the money for Yummy Chummies and Dingo Bones. Home Depot Advertising Executives, where are you? Demon Flash Bandit is available for advertising purposes. I'm glad you don't sell hamburgers because Burger King already has my heart or should it be stomach? I haven't been hoarding as much money lately. Mommy puts her purse higher. Just because a dog gets a few twenties out of the wallet to put aside in case of emergency, the humans get all greedy and want to keep money out of a dog's reach. How am I supposed to buy stuff without money? I think we dogs need to form a union and be paid for our work. We do so many helpful things--vacuuming food off the floor, keeping the bed warm, testing the furniture to see how strong it is, licking our humans' tears, and of course, the most important, giving love and being a human's best friend. I think those talents are worth a paycheck.

Demon Flash Bandit (Will Look Silly for Cash)

 

A Nation of Whiners

July 11th 2008 5:46 am
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As my readers know, I am running for President. To my knowledge, a dog has never gotten this far before. However, I think this election is going to make history from a whole new level. Up until now, the candidates mainly attack and insult each other. I think McCain has added a whole new idea to the mix. Most candidates don't even think of insulting the voters. Don't get me wrong. I think it is a whole new level of stupidity, but I'm enjoying the historic importance of this new event. In case some of you dogs didn't hear about it. McCain's economic advise said that The U. S. is "a nation of whiners" in "a mental recession". These are the words of former Texas senator, Phil Gramm who happens to have a doctorate in economics. I think this probably explains why our country is in such an economic mess. Mommy would ask where he got his degree, but judging from the ages of him (and the Republican Presidential candidate), I"m not sure if any American universities had been founded when he attended. Yes, I know McCain fired him, but he should have never been hired in the first place. Talk about out of touch. Sure, it isn't a recession for Mr. Gramm. He is a banker--the lovely people who can now charge interest rates that would have been unthinkable for loan sharks 30 years ago despite the prime interest rates going down constantly. Perhaps if you "steal" enough money legally, you don't have to worry about a recession because you are well set. I think it would have done some good if he had ever actually had to work for his money instead of sitting around the senate getting paid large amounts of money for being a jerk.

Anyway, this dog thinks all you dogs out there are wonderful and so are your humans. I would appreciate you voting for me to be the first dog into the White House. However, I know you are doing your best; and I won't insult you because I like everyone--even the people who vote for my competitors. I do want to remind you of one important fact. The people are the govt, and you get the govt. you vote in. Too many people seem to forget that little fact.

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Who Won't Insult Voters)

 

Yummy Chummies

July 10th 2008 12:13 pm
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Today I want to share information about a wonderful dog treat called Yummy Chummies which are made in Alaska from salmon. These treats have been given my Demon Flash Bandit seal of approval so you know they are good. I suggest you tell your humans that they get you some NOW. They also have also earned my 4 paws up and a tail wag for treats.

It is hot here today. I think it is bird killing time. Of course, I think everyday is a good bird killing day. I was sitting in front of the door today, and there was this annoying bird singing on the other side. He was taunting me. I wanted to get that door open and choke his little bird neck for annoying the dog. I know he is singing "I've stolen your snow and it is hot now" song. Birds are evil!!!

It is time for me to get off the computer and take a nap. I have such a stressful life. Don't forget to demand Yummy Chummies--the best in dog treats.

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Who Loves Yummy Chummies)

 

Vote Demon Flash Bandit

July 9th 2008 10:50 am
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I was just daydreaming about what it would be like to be a dog once I am President. I think it would be great to walk into the supermarket and start putting the food I want to buy in the cart. Yes, there would be candy in the cart. I would also like to browse the dog aisle and pick out some toys. I know I can do that at the pet store, but a dog can never have too many toys. I would like to accompany Mommy to a restaurant and order what I'd like to eat from the menu. (I will suggest that Mommy start eating at Burger King a lot more in the future.) I would like to enjoy a movie at the theatre, particularly one with dogs in it. Those movies are always the best. I know all of you dogs on dogster have these types of daydreams. If you want them to come true, remember to vote for Demon Flash Bandit for President.

Demon Flash Bandit (Freedom for Dogs)

 

I Am Not a Fish!!!!

July 8th 2008 9:04 am
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I will start with this philosophical observation that you might want to share with your humans particularly if you, like me, aren't a fan of baths. If God had meant for us to get a bath, we would be fish. Since we are dogs, he obviously didn't mean for us to get baths. Fish happen to be stupid so they don't mind being in the water. If they were smart, they would insist on being on dry land. They even try to eat worms. I think that is totally and completely disgustin

Mommy had to go to the post office yesterday so I got BK for dinner which I deserved. I was trying to nap in the foyer, and she kept bringing stuff in there so it would be ready to load in the van. I let it go for awhile, and then I gave me one of my Demon Flash Bandit, I"m getting really annoyed at you looks, and she quit bringing stuff in there. How is a dog supposed to stretch out and relax if Mommy is taking us so much space with stuff?

Speaking of naps, I could use one now.

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog, Not Fish)

 

Teaching Jeff Tricks

July 7th 2008 8:40 am
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I'm sure most of you have seen that movie, Superman II, where Superman has to fight the Kryptonians who escaped from the Phantom Zone and made it to Earth with super powers like his own. There was one guy on there whose name was Zod. He used to tell the humans to Kneel Before Zod. The reason I bring this up is that I have been trying to teach Jeff a new trick. I know how to say love. I have been saying it to Jeff, and when I say love, I expect him to get down on the floor and give me attention. Sadly, Jeff is trying to be a husky in more ways than just letting fur grow on his face. He seems to have our complete disregard for learning to do tricks. Like me, I know he knows what I want him to do. Again, like me, he only does it if he chooses to. This is fine for me, but not for him. I am getting entirely fed up with his attitude and lack of respect for my authority. I am going to have other dogs laughing at me because my "human" hasn't learned any tricks. Sure, they know it is because he is stubborn and stupid; but they will say that if I was a good human owner, I'd be able to teach him something. Anyway, that is where we get back to the Zod character. Mommy laughs because I continue saying love, and when he doesn't follow instructions, each love becomes a bit more "hateful" to the point where Jeff and Mommy said I could make a great Zod because it is almost like I'm demanding, kneel before Demon. However, I don't see the correlation since Zod is a mean, bad guy who isn't saying love. I'm saying love. I mean love when I say it, but Jeff can be very frustrating for a dog of my obvious intelligence to have to train.

Mommy and Jeff went to see a movie yesterday so, once again, Angel and I had to babysit William. They saw Hancock which, again, had no dogs in the movie. I think they need to act on my handy ratings systerm idea so people will know in advance whether a movie has a dog or not, and how large his role happens to be. Mommy said it was a good movie, but I don't see how with no dogs in it.

It was a reasonably good day yesterday. I had BK for dinner. I decided I'd take ALL the burgers so Angel had to eat grilled chicken which she happens to love. Mommy brought home dingo bones, and my personal favorite flavor of milkbone--cheese and bacon chip flavor. I hope all the dogs and their humans had a nice holiday weekend.

Demon Flash Bandit (LOVE---Kneel Before the Dog!!!)

 

Potential Burger King Spokesdog

July 5th 2008 8:23 am
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Hold the Pickles, Hold the Lettuce, Special Orders do Upset us,
But we Are Happy to Make them For Demon Flash Bandit.
I'll have it my way at Burger King.

Don't you love that jingle? The rest of the humans could learn a valuable lesson from the nice people at Burger King. Humans have so much to learn from us dogs, and they learn so little because their tiny human brains can only pick up so much knowledge. I still think the people at Burger King should use me in a commercial. They should see me catch my food. I love it when Mommy breaks the burgers into bite size pieces (after all, we huskies are very dainty dogs), and then Mommy throws the bite and I catch it. Why do you usually just see the humans order the food? Very often, they don't even eat it. What does that say about the food? You don't see Purina saying, "let's have a commercial for our dog food. The dog will enter stage left and ask for the Purina, and then he will look at the dish and bark at the other dogs in the group. We dogs would see that commercial and immediately say, "wow, that must be very lousy tasting food--the dog isn't even eating it. I bet when the camera quits rolling, the dog is heading over to the next studio to get himself/herself some Burger King." We dogs aren't so easily fooled. Even Morris the Cat (for those of you old enough to remember him) wouldn't eat anything but Nine Lives. He actually ate the Nine Lives on the camera after being offered a lot of other foods. As all us dogs know, even cats are smart enough to realize that you had better see the cat actually eating the food. How do you know that when the camera stops rolling, the cat is eating salmon or lobster? Mommy actually got a Christmas card from Morris one year. He may have been pcky, but he was a nice cat. We have a cat hanging around our house, but the cat won't come and meet Angel and me. He won't even come to Mommy. Mommy says he is wild and is afraid of us. I think he just has bad manners.

I'm giving the executives at Burger King another chance. I will only advertise for Burger King because you have the burgers I perfer. I'd like to see you get that kind of loyalty from a human.

Demon Flash Bandit (Potential Burger King Spokesdog)

 
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