Adventures of a lead dog

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Teaching Jeff Tricks

July 7th 2008 8:40 am
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I'm sure most of you have seen that movie, Superman II, where Superman has to fight the Kryptonians who escaped from the Phantom Zone and made it to Earth with super powers like his own. There was one guy on there whose name was Zod. He used to tell the humans to Kneel Before Zod. The reason I bring this up is that I have been trying to teach Jeff a new trick. I know how to say love. I have been saying it to Jeff, and when I say love, I expect him to get down on the floor and give me attention. Sadly, Jeff is trying to be a husky in more ways than just letting fur grow on his face. He seems to have our complete disregard for learning to do tricks. Like me, I know he knows what I want him to do. Again, like me, he only does it if he chooses to. This is fine for me, but not for him. I am getting entirely fed up with his attitude and lack of respect for my authority. I am going to have other dogs laughing at me because my "human" hasn't learned any tricks. Sure, they know it is because he is stubborn and stupid; but they will say that if I was a good human owner, I'd be able to teach him something. Anyway, that is where we get back to the Zod character. Mommy laughs because I continue saying love, and when he doesn't follow instructions, each love becomes a bit more "hateful" to the point where Jeff and Mommy said I could make a great Zod because it is almost like I'm demanding, kneel before Demon. However, I don't see the correlation since Zod is a mean, bad guy who isn't saying love. I'm saying love. I mean love when I say it, but Jeff can be very frustrating for a dog of my obvious intelligence to have to train.

Mommy and Jeff went to see a movie yesterday so, once again, Angel and I had to babysit William. They saw Hancock which, again, had no dogs in the movie. I think they need to act on my handy ratings systerm idea so people will know in advance whether a movie has a dog or not, and how large his role happens to be. Mommy said it was a good movie, but I don't see how with no dogs in it.

It was a reasonably good day yesterday. I had BK for dinner. I decided I'd take ALL the burgers so Angel had to eat grilled chicken which she happens to love. Mommy brought home dingo bones, and my personal favorite flavor of milkbone--cheese and bacon chip flavor. I hope all the dogs and their humans had a nice holiday weekend.

Demon Flash Bandit (LOVE---Kneel Before the Dog!!!)


Potential Burger King Spokesdog

July 5th 2008 8:23 am
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Hold the Pickles, Hold the Lettuce, Special Orders do Upset us,
But we Are Happy to Make them For Demon Flash Bandit.
I'll have it my way at Burger King.

Don't you love that jingle? The rest of the humans could learn a valuable lesson from the nice people at Burger King. Humans have so much to learn from us dogs, and they learn so little because their tiny human brains can only pick up so much knowledge. I still think the people at Burger King should use me in a commercial. They should see me catch my food. I love it when Mommy breaks the burgers into bite size pieces (after all, we huskies are very dainty dogs), and then Mommy throws the bite and I catch it. Why do you usually just see the humans order the food? Very often, they don't even eat it. What does that say about the food? You don't see Purina saying, "let's have a commercial for our dog food. The dog will enter stage left and ask for the Purina, and then he will look at the dish and bark at the other dogs in the group. We dogs would see that commercial and immediately say, "wow, that must be very lousy tasting food--the dog isn't even eating it. I bet when the camera quits rolling, the dog is heading over to the next studio to get himself/herself some Burger King." We dogs aren't so easily fooled. Even Morris the Cat (for those of you old enough to remember him) wouldn't eat anything but Nine Lives. He actually ate the Nine Lives on the camera after being offered a lot of other foods. As all us dogs know, even cats are smart enough to realize that you had better see the cat actually eating the food. How do you know that when the camera stops rolling, the cat is eating salmon or lobster? Mommy actually got a Christmas card from Morris one year. He may have been pcky, but he was a nice cat. We have a cat hanging around our house, but the cat won't come and meet Angel and me. He won't even come to Mommy. Mommy says he is wild and is afraid of us. I think he just has bad manners.

I'm giving the executives at Burger King another chance. I will only advertise for Burger King because you have the burgers I perfer. I'd like to see you get that kind of loyalty from a human.

Demon Flash Bandit (Potential Burger King Spokesdog)


Happy Fourth of July

July 4th 2008 12:09 pm
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This is the first anniversary of my announcement of my candidacy as President. My campaign has had a lot of help from many of you dogs out there, and I appreciate your support. It would have helped a lot if Mommy had given me the 10 million dollars for campaigning that I requested from her. It isn't like I want the money for dingo bones and Burger King although it would be nice to spend some of it on those items. I think eradicating the bird population and securing equal rights for dogs is important. Despite the lack of funds, I know I will easily win over the competition because, and I say this even though I dearly love my humans, the competition happens to be human, and all us dogs know how pathetically stupid they are. The average human can't even pass a basic obedience test. Some of them are even stupid enough to think that we should obey them. What a bunch of idiots those humans happen to be!!!! Anyway, I am quite sure I will win. All the polls show that I'm way ahead. I am very anxious to get into office and make life better for dogs everywhere.

I plan to go to Samoa's Barbeque and Sea Serpent Sighting Pier for the festivities tonight. Friday night is always a big night at the Pier, and there will be fireworks tonight. The beavers who are always busy at work around the Pier have been in the process of building some new things so that should be interesting also. They build something new every week. Maybe the sea serpent will show up to watch the fireworks. I wonder if sea serpents like fireworks.

I hope all the dogs on dogster and their humans have a safe and fun July 4, and don't forget to vote for me as President in the up-coming election.

Demon Flash Bandit (Presidential Candidate for a Year)


Doggy Drivers' Licenses

July 3rd 2008 6:59 am
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I'm sorry about not writing an entry yesterday, but the computer was moving very slow yesterday morning, and my assistant, Mommy, got fed up and said she had better things to do with her time. The humans get very arrogant about themselves and what their time is worth, don't they? Then she took a nap. At least she thinks like a dog!!! That is what I like to do when I have some extra time.

I would like to take a moment to let any of the dogs out there who are pals with Kito (Siberian Husky) and Ranger (German Shepherd) know that their Daddy died in the medical helicopter crash in Arizona a few days ago. I'm sure they would appreciate your kind thoughts at this time. There were some others killed in the crash whose families are in our prayers also.

Tomorrow is the fourth of July which can be a difficult time for all the dogs out there who are afraid of fireworks. Stay safe, and cover your ears if you are afraid because eventually the humans will get tired of them--or run out of money to buy them-whichever comes first.

I am very excited today because Mommy discovered in her "In the Company of Dogs' catalog that I can get my own personalized driver's license. I guess they heard what a good driver I am, and they are willing to give me a license. Mommy told me dogs aren't allowed to have licenses, but these look very authentic to me. I need to have Mommy order one for me so I can start driving. It is about time someone recognized what good drivers we dogs are. I am quite sure that you can't get one if you happen to be a cat. Sorry cats, but Toonses on Sat. Night Live ruined it for you. That cat could never drive without going off a cliff.

I'm glad that Preeti Cassandra had a nice birthday. She is 4 years old now. I also hope that all the dogs out there have a wonderful Fourth of July holiday. To all the dogs in Canada, sorry you don't get to celebrate it as a holiday. It is what you get for being loyal to the British. Of course, you also don't have an idiot running your country so don't feel too bad about it not being a holiday there.

Demon Flash Bandit (Doggy Driver)


Movie Ratings That Make a Difference!!!!

July 1st 2008 9:23 am
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The last story about the polar ice caps melting upset me so much that I couldn't write for a couple of days. Okay, I can't lie like the human politicians. Mommy was busy, and I didn't feel like typing this myself. I might hurt my delicate paws. Mommy is my assistant, and she is supposed to do these things for me. I would be mad at her, but I got Burger King the past 2 days, and yesterday, I got toys and bacon and cheddar milkbone--my personal favorite. They even put a sled dog on the bag. I know they meant them for me. Mommy and Jeff went to see a movie Sunday, Wanted. I don't know who wanted it or why since it wasn't a dog movie. My opinion--no one cares. If they can't put a dog as the star, it probably isn't worth watching. It could have had a redeeming quality if the assassins were killing birds; but they didn't even get that right. The humans will watch anything, won't they? I think there should be a new rating system in addition to the one already in place. D* for movies that star dogs, D-1 for movies with dogs in important roles, D if the movie at least has a dog, and ND for movies with no dogs whatsover. That way the humans could see an ND rating and realize the movie isn't worth watching. I'm sure they go to the theatre hoping there will be a dog, and are highly disappointed when it ends with no dogs in the otherwise meaningless movie garbage.

Yesterday, Mommy had to make a trip to the post office to mail some packages and she had some other errands to run. She had to go to the store and get some grilled chicken because we dogs were out of chicken. I personally would prefer BK, but Angel Zoom Smokey thinks she should have chicken. I was here first so I don't think her opinion matters, but she is getting ridiculously picky. I think Mommy caters to Angel way too much. Mommy doesn't have to buy me chicken to get me to eat. I prefer BK. I think Mommy is spoiling Angel way too much, but you know Mommy isn't going to listen to the wisdom of Demon Flash Bandit.

I have more to write, but I will save it until tomorrow's entry. I hope all you dogs out there get BK. I know how sad it is to have to live with a puppy who prefers chicken.

Demon Flash Bandit (New Movie Ratings That Matter)


June 28th 2008 9:42 am
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The birds have gone too far this time. I saw on the AOL internet news yesterday that the polar ice caps will be iceless soon. When are the humans going to declare war on all the horrible birds? When I am President, war will be declared, and birds will be sorry for all the damage they have caused. I don't want to upset any children out there, but I plan to start with Big Bird. You know that bird has to be super evil to be as big as he is. Don't worry--the Cookie Monster is safe. I like him. He is my kind of guy. I think all us dogs should arm ourselves with guns since the Supreme Court has given us the thumbs up on carrying them, and we can do our partriotic dutyand kill those birds efore they destroy everything in their path.

I would write more, but I have to clean my pistol

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Who Hates Birds)


Jeff Spreading False Leash Rumors

June 27th 2008 4:19 pm
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I am writing this diary while hearing the silly sounds of Jeff playing a video game in the background. He bought Superman Returns, and judging from the language I hear coming from the room, I suspect Superman isn't doing too well at the moment.

I have several important issues to cover today. It is hard to know where to start. Mommy got an e-mail today from the Consumers somethingerother, and it was entitled Killer Tomatoes. I wrote an entry covering Killer Tomatoes several months ago so you heard it here first. I try to keep my readers informed on the latest events. I wasn't actually sure if it was a salmonella problem as was reported in the news or if it was the result of the tomato pickers actually getting a raise. Either thing can cause all sorts of problems.

The Supreme Court has declared that carrying hand guns for protection is A-OK. I think this is a great idea. Of course,
I thought people could carry handguns for protection if they had a permit. Evidently, our founding fathers envisioned a happy world where everyone carries a gun. You know how back in the 1700's, everyone carried a small handmusket. Anyway, it is actually a great idea. If everyone is armed, then you don't really need a police force or FBI anymore. It could be like the exciting days of the old west. People can just take care of things themselves and save lots of money on trials and jails. I personally have my pistol (isn't that what they call little guns?) on order, and I plan to use it whenever it is necessary. I think it would be a lot better at killing birds.

I am thinking of ordering a RoboDog outfit so I can be a vigilante dog who makes sure that justice is served. I think it would be really cool. Now that handguns are ok, my dream can be realized. It is kind of stupid to wear a RoboDog outfit if you can't shoot at people. I like cats so cat owners, your cats are safe.

The last thing I want to mention is that in addition to the state paving the major road next to our house, this weekend is Balloonfest weekend in our town. I think this means that getting to BK for my food will be more trouble than usual. I hope Mommy doesn't decide to cook at home. Why do towns have these silly festivals that interfere with a dog's dinner? I wouldn't mind if I could go to it. Yes, dogs are allowed, but for some odd reason, Jeff refuses to take us. He said something about us not being good on a leash and trying to pull the human who is walking us down so we can escape. It is all lies put out by the establishment (Jeff) because he is too lazy to take us there. That is my story and I'm sticking to it.

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Who Is Perfect When Being Walked)


Bird Legislation

June 26th 2008 10:18 am
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I have some very important news for all the dogs out there who are keeping up with the bird situation. Congress is considering protecting a cerulean warbler. Yes, this is a BIRD!!!!!! They are considering spending lots of money (which could be better spent at Burger King) to save this bird species!!! How are we dogs going to eradicate birds if Congress misguidedly is trying to save them. Why can't the humans regcognize the birds' contribution to global warming? Do they not realize that it is the birds' fault? This is just another reason why I need your votes. I promise that as President, I will veto any legislation to save birds.

On a related bird subject, the AOL news headline yesterday had a story about a bird dropping one of its special little white bombs into a singer's mouth. I don't know who it was or how it happened. It takes way to long to click on these stories, and I'm a dog who has serious napping to do so I can't be on the computer all day. I do think that this is an important piece of news. It shows just how arrogant the birds have become.

I also want to mention that Mommy and I watched that movie I mentioned yesterday, The Manchurian Candidate. I also did a bit of research, and it sounds like McCain did collaborate with the North VietNamese, but who could blame him? He didn't want to be treated like the rest of the prisoners who are just the sons of regular people. His dad and granddad was Admirals. He was above such treatment. He even got taken to the hospital for treatment of his injuries. Most regular POWs could die from injuries. They not only were't taken to the hospital, but they weren't even give a band-aid. I am in full agreement with Mommy. I am a dog who is treated good, and I enjoy living a good life. There is nothing wrong with that. However, if I go around saying I have it bad, and I was a shelter dog, it would be a total and complete lie. Why can't McCain be as honest as I am. This is why you should vote for me instead of McCain. Remember, vote Demon Flash Bandit--dog for President.

Demon Flash Bandit (The Right Dog For the Job)


Manchurian Candidate???

June 25th 2008 10:02 am
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Jeff was telling me about a movie that I should watch called The Manchurian Candidate. Evidently, this movie is about a POW who is brainwashed by his captors to "destroy" his country when they give the word or something to that effect. I haven't watched it yet, but I will because Jef has it, but he hasn't seen it yet either. That movie and that remark made by McCain's top aide made me wonder if that movie is about to come true in real life. First of all, McCain was a POW, but he was an officer. Daddy was a grunt in VietNam, and he always said the officers stayed back where it was safe. They didn't generally venture out into the jungle, and they usually gave themselves medals after the firefight was over for things they didn't do because they weren't even there. If they did capture an officer, he would be a more likely candidate for brainwashing than a private since he would be more likely to rise to a higher position in the military or politics. He would also be an easier person to brainwash since he already has that "military" mindset.
I'm not an overly suspicious dog, but to make a remark about a terrorist attact being good and it should be part of their campaign strategy upset this dog. The humans I live with aren't too happy about it either. Since his party are the ones who are in charge now, it would make me think they aren't capable of thwarting an attack. It also makes me wonder how intelligent they are to even suggest such a thing. I guess they think they can do anything to get elected.

Demon Flash Bandit (Sad Election Campaigning)


Unbelievable News

June 24th 2008 9:12 am
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Jeff was on the computer, and he came and told Mommy that Charles Black, one of McCain's top aides said that a terrorist attack would be good for their campaign. Does this mean that they are going to arrange one to help their candidate win? Actually, Mommy thought Jeff was making it up until she saw the internet news. I want to officially announce that I plan to win the Presidency with good old fashioned common sense. The founding fathers were very wise men who had a vision for this country and I want to fulfill that vision not only for humans, but for their dogs also. I want to officially announce that I would never even think of arranging a terrorist attack just to win an election. Some people will do anything to get into power--lie, cheat, steal, or arrange a terrorist attactk. As a candidate, I want to apologize for another candidate even considering such a horrible thing--it makes a mockery of the race, and makes humans dis-trust policiticans. Remember, vote for the dog (Demon Flash Bandit) on election day.

Demon Flahs Bandit (Honest CAndidate Who Cares)

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