Captain Bailey Reporting

Ahoy, mateys!

I have a boat of my own! She's a lovely round inflatable thing, called the Screech of the Seas, perfect for riding over the crystal blue expanse of my humans' pool! My people were afraid I wouldn't like it, but they tried me on it and I loved it! I'm a natural boater and can keep my balance on the float perfectly. With my loyal human crew to push the boat around for me, I can go anywhere I desire! I could really get used to the sailing life, I think. However, when they saw I liked that, they tried me on the boogie board. I really didn't like that. It's just a tad t0o close to the water for me. Though I'm a fan of sailing, I'm really not a fan of getting wet. Also, it's very hard to balance on something as small and unstable as a surfboard. So, I guess a surfing life is out of the question for me. That's fine, because I don't really look like the surfing type anyway.

Another large news story is that The Barking Dog had betrayed me! They gave Auntie back all my stuff- everything, that is, except my Kong. Yes, you heard correctly! Those terrible strangers had the nerve to steal my precious Kong! It's probably out on the black market of dog toys already, getting chewed on by some nasty big dog with a black studded collar, huge fangs, and tattoos. Grrrrr. I'm certainly going to give the folks at that terrible k----- an earful when I return today.

Yes, that's more terrible news- I'm returning to the k----- today. My people- all of them, even Auntie and Cee- are flying out to Niagara Falls to see relatives today. Relatives who do not, apparently, like dogs. Not that my people would have considered taking me anyway. Oh, dear me, no! I can never go on vacation with my people. So it's off to the terrible k----- for the second instance, in far too short a time for me to have even recovered fully even from my last visit. So, in about an hour, I'm to be plopped in my carrier and carted off to prison again. Sigh. I'm rather resigned to my fate, as there isn't much I can do about this. Maybe they'll at least give my Kong back when I return this time.

I've had my Plus status removed from me. I had Plus for a year and I loved it. I didn't buy it, however, it was anonymously gifted to me. It might even have been from a Catster cat, I don't know. So I always knew I was really living on borrowed time with Plus, and I wasn't at all surprised when I reverted back to non-Plus a few days ago. My humans won't let me renew my subscription (hmph, the injustice!) so that is probably the end of my Plus days. I do want to say thank you for the great time to whoever gave me Plus. It was so much fun while it lasted, I can't thank you enough for letting me try it!

Notice anything different about this diary? I've been pondering it for a long time, but I finally just gritted my teeth and did it a few days ago. Yes, I've finally changed my diary's title from that old "Life in the Doghouse!" The title is now "Yorkie Yippings & Yarns." I think that sounds far more sophisticated than the old title. Do you like it?

I've finally caught up on entries, so you can read up in my archives. That should keep everyone satisfied during my absence. Goodbye, everybody! Wish me luck surviving the k----- again! I should be back by Monday, I think, maybe. My people never tell me anything but I gather that's when they'll be arriving home and picking me up. But if I don't have an entry that day, don't be surprised. I might be too tired or I might have been wrong about the date.

Sir Bailey B.

No Place Like Home

Home! Ah, yes, I'm home! Home sweet home, no place like home, home free, home at last!

After being groomed, my people were supposed to be coming to pick me up at 12:00 pm. Knowing how faithful and caring my people were, and that they wouldn't want me suffering a second longer than absolutely necessary at the horrid k-----, I expected them to come and pick me up far earlier than that. So, at 11:57 am, a full three minutes early, Auntie and Cee arrived to pick me up from the k-----. I was starting to get worried they wouldn't show and I would be stuck there forever. Auntie mumbled some lame excuse about "traffic" to me, but that won't cut it. Nice work, guys! I hightailed it out of that place and was more glad than ever to get stuffed into my little carrier and plopped into the car. As much as I hate car rides (there's just something dreadfully frightening about traveling at that speed, I don't know how people can handle it), I was so glad to be going home I didn't make a bit of a fuss. However, my nightmare was not over quite yet. Auntie took a "wrong turn" which resulted in us taking a very long detour up and down hills, on bumpy roads, and through parts of town I've never been through before. Apparently, there were some pretty views on this route, which were vividly and stunningly described to me by Cee- i.e, "hey, Bailey, a lake," or "wow, Bailey, a field." I couldn't wait to get home.

I was so happy to be my very own familiar house once we arrived, with all my own toys and things and places! I ran everywhere and rolled around on the carpet and sniffed everything. I actually almost kissed the ground when we got out of the car, but quickly I decided that would be overdoing it. I also searched for Grandma and Mommy- unless I have checked every single nook and cranny of the house for them if they aren't immediately visible to me, I can't rest. I always think they're hiding from me, waiting for me to find them. They have never actually done this in the past, but you never know. Then I curled up and went to sleep for a long time. When I woke up I found Cee and Auntie discreetly trying to sneak out through the garage. I heard them, reacted with lightning speed, and caught them red-handed in the act or the crime, but this did not deter them from leaving. The good news is I did get a nummy out of it- they threw it on the carpet to try and distract me while they were leaving. It didn't work, but I ate it gladly afterwards. Most importantly, I discovered they had accidentally left the computer on, so I immediately hopped on Dogster to update you on my situation. Don't worry about me being alone at the house- it's only for a little while, Auntie reassured me Mommy and Auntie will be back tomorrow. In the meantime, this means I have plenty of time to catch up on my entry-writing. Expect one or two new backdated and long overdue diary entries to appear before tomorrow is over. I'm sorry I took so long to get them to you. It's just that this has been an unusually busy summer for all my people.

Oh, I'm sorry, I must go now- I just heard our idiot neighbors across the street shoot off some firecrackers, and I am now obliged to run around the basement and alert the whole neighborhood at the top of my lungs about this awful, loud atrocity.

Sir Bailey B.

Patience!

Ahh, the kennel. Such a lovely place. I've been holed up with a Chihuahua. Would you spare me! He keeps gibbering to himself in Spanish. My humans jetted off to Indiana several days ago.

I don't have much time. I snuck on the front desk computer. But I know I haven't been keeping my promise of more entries! Just be patient. I'll catch up, I really will, They're all written, just yet to be edited and posted...

Sir Bailey B.

To Run, Or Not To Run

My life seemed bleak. My week long stay at the awful k----- was approaching far too rapidly for my liking, and my whole world seemed to be in the process of being upheaved and packed into suitcases as my people prepared to leave. I considered running away. It seemed the only alternative than being abandoned at the k----- with total strangers. And today in the garage, I got my chance.

Grandma opened the garage door to take the trash out, and Auntie hadn't quite completed clipping me to my leash to take me outside. I made a break for it! The first few steps were wonderful. Each step, each sniff, the breeze in my fur all seemed to ring with freedom. But by the time I got onto the hot pavement of the driveway, it was all starting to come apart. "What will I eat?" I thought. "Who will give me belly rubs? Where will I sleep? Is this a good idea?" I felt a wash of regret at wanting to leave this family, the best one I ever had. I needed to think it over. Uncertain, I sat down about three feet from the garage door to ponder the decision a bit more.

"Bailey!!" Grandma called desperately. And I got up, turned around, and ran right back to her! I'm glad I did now, too. Auntie apologized to everyone at least a million times, even thought it wasn't really her fault. I was petted all over and held and rocked and played with and doted on and given good nummys for coming back when I was called. I still will have to go to the k----- eventually, I know, but until then, I might as well enjoy the good life.

Sir Bailey B.

Wait... you're going to put that where?

It came again today. You must know what I'm talking about. That terrible, horrible experience that humans force us to endure- the torments of the hated VET. I didn't know it in advance, but I could smell it coming from a mile away when my people brought out my carrier and started shutting off lights and preparing to leave. Then, just as expected, they took me outside for a quick run in the yard, assuming as they always do that I wouldn't notice or care that I was on my shortest little leash. That was the final piece of the puzzle. That's the leash they use to hook me into my carrier. Knowing I couldn't do anything on so short a leash on such short notice to resist this, I qietly allowed myself to get scooped up and dumped in the car carrier, resigned to my fate.

The experience of the car ride, full of jarring bumps, blaring stereos, and large trucks is something I would rather not recount. It was made worse by the thought of the cruel destination that awaited me at its end. The cold steel of the table, the needles, the strange people, the poking and prodding and examining... ugh! The moment we pulled into the vet's office came both far too soon and far too late.

Once we were within the building, I was relieved to find that the waiting room was empty. At least there wouldn't be strange people staring and vicious dogs glaring at me this time. Then, a man walked in with a cat and I went nuts. Give me talkative parrots, give me big fierce canines, give me strange people, but don't ever put me with a stinking cat! I have had far too many bad experiences with cats at my past home. My 20 former housemate felines were real bullies who would play with all my toys and lord over me because they were bigger and older and supposedly smarter. We eventually got into an endless cycle of vengeance, which probably would have ended disasterously (for the cats, not me) had I not been removed from the situation. I have disliked all cats strongly ever since. So, anywho, I immediatley began hurling very imaginitive insults and threats and commands to leave at the cat, who simply turned her head and ignored me in that superior way all cats have. This only made me more furious, and I gave my torrent of curses, oaths, names, insults, and the like all I had. I was dragged out of the waiting room shouting with gusto,"... And if I ever see your ugly furry mug again, I'll make you sorry you were ever born, cat!"

"And a good afternoon to you too," the cat said curtly as I left the room.

"Goodness, Bailey, can't you try to be just a little more polite, curteous, and respectful to others?" Mommy said once inside the examination room. Then the vet arrived and gave me a booster shot. I was fine with it, actually. It was a really, really sharp needle so I didn't feel a thing. But, then the vet said words that every domesticated animal is taught to fear from the moment of their birth.

Those words are: "I need to take his temperature."

"No!" I screamed. "No! No! No! Not the thermometer! Can't you put it in my ear? Under my tongue? I'd even rather get another shot! Anywhere, anything but this!" However, there was nothing I could do about it. On the way home, my people decided that they would take a detour to the local Market Basket. Remembering what my Mommy said about being curteous, I decided to yell friendly greetings and compliments to all I saw. Unfortunately, my people, who could not understand that I had good intentions, tried to shut me up. They couldn't I remained firm in my resolve to be the friendliest dog around. I yelled greetings and compliments every time I heard a new peson, and I kept this up until we pulled out of the parking lot, when I was plopped back in my carrier, as to give me a more secure place to cower (while in the parking lot they had let me out. Mommy stayed behind and held me). And now... we're back. It was quite an eventful experience. In fact, it was so eventful I'm tired out. I think I should go and rest now.

Sir Bailey B.

Lazy, Crazy, Hazy Summer. (Mostly Crazy.)

Hello once again, Dogsters!

The season has changed, and it's high time I put pen to paw and wrote in my diary once again. It will soon be summer, and this week, following some cold and rainy days, it finally decided to act like it. 86 degrees, 67% humidity. Sunny enough to heat my shaggy black fur to the point it almost burns you to touch it and the blacktop to the point it does burn your paws to a crisp if you're stupid enough to walk on it. The sun sparkles off the water in the pool almost tauntingly (we can't swim in it yet because it needs stairs, unless you're planning on staying there for a day or so). Bees buzz around the flowers that drip water from their pots, because when Cee waters them she usually uses about a whole watering can on each plant, until water pours out the bottom. The heavy air is full of the sounds of birds, lawnmowers, blasting stereos, chainsaws (treecutting), motorcycles revving (bike week), car and/or house alarms (don't ask), and the sound of the two ice cream trucks playing "The Entertainer" and "O Come All Ye Faithful" at the same time over each other. Aaaah, summer.

With summer comes animals of every kind. I love to chase and eat the bugs that find their way into my house. Every morning I wake up to the sweet song of little birds, the honk of Canadian geese, and the squawking ruckus of crows. I watch the neighborhood's outdoor cats with fascination, and strain at my leash when I see a squirrel. I also quiver with fear inside whenever someone mentions the neighborhood's resident hawk. I mean, I have no doubt I could take him if I had to, but he's one big hawk. Mommy says he could probably carry me away if he was really hungry. However, one thing I never knew we had in our neighborhood was... rabbits? I encountered a pack of them on my walk yesterday. They were hanging around in front of one of precious few places in the neighborhood no house has yet been planned on, because it's too swampy. That vacant lot happens to be right behind my house. Anyway, so we were back there, and we come across these brown rabbits with little white cotton tails. And I didn't even notice them! Two went bolting off into the woods as soon as they saw me, but one rather dull one just sat there. I was so engrossed in sniffing and marking my territory that the bunny might as well have not been there. But then I turned around, and there he was! I was shocked. Where had he come from? I know silence is key when hunting, but I couldn't help a surprised little urf. That seemed to bring the hare back to his senses, and he bolted off into the woods. I tried to bolt after it, but the only thing that came of that was nearly choking on my collar. Oh well. Now that I know those rabbits are there, I'll keep a sharp eye on them. They won't be getting away with anything on my watch.

Another thing that comes with summer, or any time at all in my house, is the Cleaning Crew! I actually am making great progress, and have plenty of good news about my fight. The Lawnmower seems to be gone. Instead a guy in a truck comes with his own Lawnmower. I'm not really worried about him, since my humans say he's a pro Lawnmower wrangler. I'm just happy that beast is staying away from my humans. I'm also glad to report that the Vacuums seem to have allied themselves to me! After a long talk with them, I've persuaded them to come to the Other Side. They are quite useful. My people use them a lot now, and they seem to do such a good job of cleaning that they can sometimes keep the closet containing the rest of the Cleaning Crew from ever being opened. I also have invented a new strategy for fighting the worst scourge of all- their leader The Dust Mop. Instead of my old nip-and-run strategy, I now have decided to take a more upfront approach. I simply grab a mouthful of tentacles and hang on for dear life, trying my best to drag down and stop The Dust Mop. It's so new I have no data on how well it works as of yet. However, if it isn't one thing, it's another. The Cleaning Crew has a new recruit. It's name is The Feather Duster or just The Duster. It's long, feathery, and red, white, and blue in color (how patriotic). It seems like it will be hard to get, though, as it prefers to stay in high places I can't reach. I must work out a strategy to get that sneaky little thing.

Another thing that comes with summer is... oh, how I shudder at the thought... FIREWORKS!! The people across the street from us have been detonating illegal, professional-grade fireworks at night almost once a week during the summer for years. My people have given up on calling the police. They could care less. So every night I must endure the loud, ear-shattering, booming noise that is fireworks. It drives me bonkers, and I'm usually overly nervous and edgy for at least a day after that. My humans can't blame me. It's loud even to their almost-deaf human ears, and for me it's like 10 times louder. It's awful! If I ruled the world, I'd outlaw fireworks. Right after I put The Cleaning Crew to death.

My humans will depart for their journey pretty soon. I overheard I will be dumped off at the awful k----- for almost a week! The horror! I can't bear to even think of it. I must speak of other things.

What's another good thing that comes with summer? Ah, yes... free time! Time to take sunbeam naps, go swimming, and eat ice cream! No more craziness and humans rushing around like mad! Hooray! Cee might even have time to write diary entries for me more than once a month now- imagine that! Really, I am sorry about the dearth of entries of late. I'll work on it, I promise. Cee's volunteering at the local no-kill animal shelter now (actually where I would have gone if this family hadn't chosen me so soon after the decision was made to get rid of me), but still has more free time than she used to. I'll lasso her into the computer room to type for me if I have to. Whatever it takes.

Sir Bailey B.

Title Troubles

Dogsters- I have a question for all of you.

I know that my diary title, Life in the Doghouse, sounds kind of clichéd. Also, since I quite apparently don't live in a doghouse, it might not seem to fit. However, I don't mean doghouse literally. When I originally chose the title, as a puppy not even a year old yet, I intended "in the Doghouse" to mean "in trouble," so the title would imply that I was always in trouble- which I am, really, both at my old home and now. However, most of my human's friends who have read my diary wonder about the title. So, I've started to think about changing my diary title to something else, since maybe what this one is supposed to mean isn't clear enough. Some that I'm thinking about are Musings of a Misunderstood Guard Dog, Yorkie Yippings, or maybe Bad Dog Diary.The more I look at it, the more I think I could do something a little better.

I made a thread about this in the Diary forum. What do you think?

Sir Bailey B.

Clipperific

Hello, fellow Dogsters!

Why haven't I been writing? Because too much is happening! My humans have been rushing absolutely everywhere, doing everything. I feel kind of bad that I couldn't help while they were rushing around doing Everything, but I don't think a dog could have helped, anyway. Also, I must admit Cee has been rather neglecting Dogster for Catster since CB arrived. Harrumph. Goodness knows I'm more deserving of her attentions.

Firstly, both Mommy's and Grandma's birthdays have come around! I don't know their exact ages, but I do know that in dog years, Mommy's practically ancient, and Grandma is nearly prehistoric. Happy birthday, Mommy and Grandma!

Secondly, I've been having some appearance issues. It all started when my Grandma noticed I was looking a little shaggy and smelling a bit... well, you know... bad. She was going to take me to the groomer, but, most unfortunately for me, she got a bright idea- something that usually never bodes well, at least on my side of the bargain. What was her bright idea this time, you ask? Well, she decided that she would groom me herself, to save money. Oh no! She started out brushing me, which wasn't bad at all. Then she got out the scissors and trimmed my face up a bit. That wasn't too bad, either, because it made me be able to see again, without fur in my eyes- a nice change. Besides, Grandma's done that before. But then, she got out the Clipper. At first, I thought it was a razor, which confused me. I knew what they were used from from the Man at my old home, and I wondered if Grandma was going to shave her head, which would have been interesting. But no, whe truth was far worse. She was intending to use it on ME. She berought me out onto the deck (Oh, that's another thing I wanted to tell- the deck has been reopened. There's furniture and stuff back on it, and we go out on it a lot.) and plopped me down on a cloth on the table. Flipping me over, she turned the thing on. It went buzz. The sun was in my eyes. I closed my eyes and prayed the nightmare would be over soon... I felt the thing going over my belly, the usual area I'm buzz-cut in. But then the thing seemed to go astray. "Whoops! Sorry, Bailey. Let's try that again," Grandma said. I cringed and gulped. I didn't know what she had done, and I didn't want to try to imagine, either. The thing went after me again, and then... "*@$^&%! Sorry again, Boo. I need to stop, I don't know what I'm doing with this thing," Grandma said, and plopped me down again, turning off the clipper. How bad was it? I had no idea. I felt a draft. I couldn't put this off any longer. I looked at my belly, expecting the worst... and saw it! "Aaaaaaaaaaah!" My belly was shaved, as usual, but there were two other bald patches that weren't supposed to be there where the clipper had slipped. I look like a molting sheepdog. It's awful. And then, as if that wasn't bad enough, I was subjected to the terrible whirl of vile flowery shampoo and suds and scorching water that was the Bath, and then the eardrum-busting Hair Dryer. It was terrible, I tell you. Note to Grandma: Next time, stick with the Barking Dog.

I'm getting the impression that my humans are going somewhere, eventually. They keep talking "reservations" and "tickets" and "flights" and- gasp!- "k*****." I'll let you know more on this as I find it out.

Also, my people are worried because I have 2 bites on my belly. One looks like a pimple and the other is a reddish ring. They seem to hurt me because I squeal when you touch one. I'm going to be taken to the vet (Aaaah!) about this soon, so I'll let you know about that when it happens.

Well, that's all for this update. I'll let you know when more news comes around. As for now, there's a nice sunbeam on the deck with my name all over it.

Sir Bailey B.

Late Easter & Skipping Spring

It's a week and a day after, so it's high time I told you about Easter, isn't it?

I hope everyone had a good Easter! Mine wasn't that bad. It was slightly chilly. Cee, Auntie, and some other guy was here for dinner. Grandma had cut back on the massive amounts of food since not many relatives were coming over. This is what she made (and remember, she held back considerably, too): several appetizers, homemade pasta, meatballs, sauce, sausages, a salad with homemade dressing, a cake, and cookies beyond counting. I even got a few tiny pieces of meatball and my very own Easter basket!! It had a bunch of awesome toys in it- a crinkly ring, a long sticklike stuffed thingamajig, a rubber crocodile, and my personal favorite, a stuffed chick I love to gnaw on and pull fur out of. I also got a bunch of new good nummys, so it will be a while before my humans run out- now they'll have no excuse for giving me the nasty, cheap-o ones.

I simply can't believe this weather. It's crazy. Never before has the saying "If you don't like the weather, wait a minute" been more true- though in this case, it might fit better if minute was substituted with day. Every day seems to bring new weather. Flowers have pushed up and been snowed on, birds come out to sing in the warm sun and get driven back to their nests by a blast of cold wind and icy rain only a few hours later, the ground gets frozen and thawed and rained into mud in the space of a few days. Nature seems to be having massive mood swings between spring and winter, leaning towards winter. We've had such a varied array of storms and sun over the past week. It's been almost 60 and sunny, snowing, icy-slushy, sleeting, and more recently unbelievably windy and rainy. Several streets are closed from flooding. Cee saw from the higher ground of the next parking lot over two guys come out from the back of a pizza place, stand like marooned sailors on the safety of the back step, look at the good five inches of water surrounding their place, and say "Dude! It's a lake!" There have also been some crazy gusts of wind. There was one this morning that lasted almost 2 minutes. It roared and shook the house and snapped of tree branches and scared me to death- I was shaking so much it could almost be considered vibrating in fear for a while after that. It's cold, too. If things go on like this, I'm afraid we won't have a spring, just skip straight to summer.

Oh- Mommy is calling me up to bed. I'd better go now. Goodnight, everywoof!

Sir Bailey B.

April Foolery

Oh Have You Heard
by Shel Silverstein

Oh have you heard it’s time for vaccinations?
I think someone put salt into your tea.
They’re giving us eleven-month vacations.
And Florida has sunk into the sea.

Oh have you heard the President has measles?
The principal has just burned down the school.
Your hair is full of ants and purple weasels—

APRIL FOOL!

Yes, it's April Fool's Day once again! Did you know that April Fool's Day was started in Sweden? The king's coronation ceremony was going to be on April 1st, but then it was moved to the 25th because he was out conquering. However, many nobles who hadn't heard showed up in all their regalia on that day, only to find out it wasn't on that day anymore. They decided to stay until the 25th, though, in order to keep from having to travel home and then come right back again. And all the people in the city called them April Fools!

Anyhow, enough with the history lesson- I have more exciting news to relate. Firstly, my people finally got me a belated birthday present- a dogmansion in the backyard!! I'm so excited!! A house of my very own!! It'll have a plasma TV tuned to Animal Planet, heated floors, oil paintings of famous pooches throughout history, and even a dining room with gold food and water dishes and a chandelier!! I can't wait until it's done!! This is better than the dog-sized Harley (even though that would be cool too)!!! I would also like to let you know that Auntie II has decided to stay permanently in Italy and pursue her lifelong dream of having a career as an opera singer. Grandma is trying to invent a new kind of cake in the kitchen, one like no one has ever seen before. I'll bet it will be tasty! Auntie (not the second, just plain old Auntie) is gone now- she's trying out for the World Poker Championships. Mommy was informed today that she has set a new world record for most adding machine paper used in a lifetime. Cee is currently publishing a book that her editor says is sure to become a new classic for the ages. She plans to move to a mansion in Hawaii with her earnings. Also, I have found out some more about my dog father- it seems he's a very famous show dog who's won hundreds and hundreds of ribbons and cups and years of free dog food in his career. Wow! I'm related to someone really famous!!

By the way, all the events I just wrote about above (including the history lesson) were 100% twaddle- I made them all up. Have a happy April Fool's Day, everyone!!

Sir Bailey B.