DAY FOURTEEN

So, they tell me I'm getting tutored, and I'm like, "Fine. What's the subject? And bear in mind I'm a dog. So none of that trigonometry or anything. I mean, who in the heckfire actually uses trigonometry in their daily lives, I ask you? I'm saying: It's just not practical." Whatever, though. I can learn. If I'm smart enough to chase that ball around the living room, I can accept the fact education is an evergoing process.

So, I come back two testicles lighter. What I learned was NEVER TRUST HUMANS.

Day Twelve

Is it possible that I have nearly doubled in size since my relocation? I think so. I have been put in my crate more regularly, and each time released I must brave the elements outside. I think they expect something from me while we are out there. I can't guess what, but someone keeps saying the word "bathroom" over and over again: frankly, it's starting to make me want to widdle. So I do, and we run back for tasty treats afterwards. It's a bit of a routine but, hey, I enjoy it. Not the outside part, but I hear through the Grapevine some booties will be coming in the mail. I don't know about footwear, but if it's going to protect my tootsies from the harsh weather of Southern California, I'm all for it.

All FOUR it? Heh heh. That was a good one. I shall have to write that down somewhere and save it for later.

Day Eight

This day shall live forever in my heart clouded by infamy. Today, I was left to my own devices, trapped against my will behind a -- DOGDAMMIT, I promised myself I wouldn't cry -- a partition. It was my first time in this . . . this prison! I did not do well, indeed. Despite being left with my numerous, expensive toys, and even my crate plus a generous amount of food, I confess I knew fear. It clutched at my heart, its icy talons cutting deep. And in my fear I called out for respite. O, how I howled! I am not proud of this fear. My genitals had shrunken to the size of raisins. Dog raisins! (Which are smaller than their human counterpart, thus keeping the metaphor's fidelity intact. Work with me; I'm a dog.) But I did not piddle. Though I may heel -- I shall never yield! Not to a partition. When my housemates finally deigned to release me into furlow, I was diffident. Imperious, perhaps, but would you not be as well, were you in my position? If you cut me, do I not bleed? If you waggle bacon in front of my face, will I not run around in circles like a child nailed to the floor by a single foot?

I also ate steakums for the first time. It was yummy.