People are such sissys.

I live in Washington and it has been either very cold or very wet. I want to play so badly but my daddy won't. In fact, if I play by myself he gives me a sponge bath just to come inside. He is always messing with my feet and I hate for my feet to be touched. I guess he does not like mud? Well tough! It is not my fault that my bathroom/ play area has a terrible leak and water is always falling from the sky. If he is so upset about the leak in my bathroom then he should fix it I think.
I had a blast last week when a pipe broke. It had been very cold here and it burst when it defrosted. Then it froze again. I had the coolest ice rink. I could get a good running start from my deck and hop on the ice. Sometimes I would smash into the fence but I learned to hit it sideways. That is much better than nose first. Then I did it all over again. Now it is just muddy though.
Anyway, I was saying that people are such sissys. My dad does not even play outside for very long. He says he is cold. What a baby! People are so inferior! They need to put on clothes to stay warm and even that does not seem to work. All of us canines have nice fur coats and stay plenty warm. In fact I have slept on inches of ice and it does not bother me. I just dream of pork chops. Ooh that make me salivate.
My daddy does try though. We had pork chops last night and that was great. He cuts mine up and puts it in my bowl. He then places my bowl on my table--the floor--and grabs his dinner. I eat mine before he can even bring his to the eating room. It works great. I pretend I am going to die immediately if I don't have more pork right now. I have more food in my bowl of course but this strategy works so I leave the crap food for later. He always gets weak and gives me more.
Last night was great!!!!!! We had the pork chops but cupcakes too. Oh my God those are good. He never gives me the chocalate ones but at least I get some. I eat things like that once in a while and then eat a carrot to brush my teeth. Don't make fun of carrots unless you have tried them. I love them.
Tonight is pizza, yuck! My dad has a pork chop from last night though and I get to eat it. Ooh boy, ooh boy.
After that, my sissy dad will make a fire because he is cold. I have to leave the room because it is too hot for me.
Oh, next Sunday my Grandma is coming to visit for my birthday. I love her so much. She is so nice to me. I get a turkey every year for my b-day. I love her company so much I am even willing to share about 1/2 pound of my turkey. No more! I think this is more than generous. Hopefully she will bring me some presents? I really like food as a present. Balls are good too. Stuffed animals are great but I am not allowed to have them anymore. Some sort of stuffing mess, vomit, mishap.
That is it for now. I will keep you all updated on the great dinner I ate.

Bad Day

I had a bad day today. The reason is that my dad found a way to make me not do something that he does not like. The something is that while going for a ride in the car I like to have the windows down. I wait until we are taking a right turn and hope someone is on the corner. If they are I wait until we are stopped and make sure they do not know I am there. Then I jump to the side and bark like crazy. It scares the heck out of people and I love to do it.
Well today my dad figured out how to stop this. He actually said "be nice or I will chop your head off!". Can you believe it? I know he will not but it still scares me so now I have to be good. Darnit! I had perfected my ambush so well too.

Human Winterizer

Hello dog friends. My name is Harley and I have a great new product to sell you all. Human Winterizer.
Let me ask you--are you tired of your humans saying they don't want to roll down the car windows because it is cold outside? There is nothing that can ruin a good car ride like rolled up windows.
How about when they get out of the shower and the call of nature is screaming at you. They always say something like "Hold on. It is freezing. Let me put some clothes on". Mother Nature never wants to hold on though so I have to suffer at the back door waiting for my human to get dressed.
Then the ever present "I'm not going outside to play fetch in the rain".
Do you wish you did not have to suffer in a house that is heated to a scorching 70 degrees? I know I do.

By now I know you are asking "Well yes Harley. I have these problems too. But what can I possibly do to help my humans stay warm?" The answer is simple my friends. Harley's Human Winterizer--patent pending.

What is this fantastic new product you ask? It is my hair. I shed an awful lot and save the extra hair. It is warm, waterproof, and best of all it is a completely renewable resource so you will be helping the earth as well.

For a one time setup fee of 3 pork chops I will send you 5 pounds of hair and a bottle of super glue to stick it to your humans. You will then monthly receive 2 pounds of hair and another bottle of super glue for the recurring price of only 2 pork chops.---But wait, if you act now I will waive the one time setup fee.
Yes folks, that is hair for life to keep your humans warm and dry for only 2 pork chops a month.

Good Foods That Are Not Good Together

Oh boy dog friends do I have some important news for you. Steak is good as we all know. Yogurt smoothies are good too. Do not, I repeat do not, mix the two. Boy did I have gas last night. I was hanging out with my dad in the front room and blasting away for hours. Finally the room stunk so much I had to leave. Poor dad stayed to watch TV but did so with a blanket over his nose.

Scary Day

Splish splash I heard water running in the bath.
Lord it gave me such a fright!
Dad says "hey there bub come on hop into the tub"
Everything was NOT alright.

He was a pullin' and a yankin'
Then I got a spankin'
Man I think that was tight!

Splish splash I'm now sitting in the bath
I did put up a heck of a fight.
Rub a dub I'm being tortured in the tub.
Seems like it lasted all night.

I was a moaning and a groaning
Crying like I'm dying
Splishin' and a splashin'
The bathroom got a trashin'

Splish splash I HATE taking a bath.

DISCLAIMER: No doggies were hurt in the making of this song. No doggies were spanked either--we just needed a word that rhymed.