All of my Tutoring has Paid Off!

I came into the Oldest Lad's Life at the beginning of his Sophomore Year in Public High School. His grades from his Freshman Year were not stellar. I set to work immediately with an intense tutoring program. I taught him to drive. I cajoled and growled at him through the ACT and SAT. I nursed him through AP Physics, urging him on to take the AP Exam and earn College Credit for Physics.

Now, Oldest Lad is on the cover of a National Magazine.

Yes. The Back Cover of University of Cincinnati Alumni Magazine features Oldest Lad, Front AND Center!

I am soooooo proud. Mom and Dad are beaming. They are certain that all that time they forced Oldest Lad to sit at the desk and do his homework, the endless math fact flashcards; it was all worth it.

Here is the link:

O ldest Lad picture

Then at the center top, where the arrows are, select "Back Page."

It helps if "Zoom" is then selected, for Full Effect.

Oldest Lad is the "C." Can't miss him. The red person with the black "C," red bandana, and sunglasses -- that's Oldest Lad.

Just like going to the Vet.

Mom received phone calls and emails from the Public School today that soon H1N1 immunizations will be taking place, as the schools will be official "Dispensing Sites."

Hmmph. I, Mulligan, simply fail to see what the big deal is. Veterinarians have "Shot Clinics" all the time. Veterinarians have "Spay and Neuter" clinics, as well.

Which of course, brings me to add yet another point to my Mulligan Healthcare Plan.

The Public Schools will be dispensing H1N1 Immunizations.

The Public Schools are, well, Public.

The "Public Option," by it's many names to make it sound more or less pallitable, is a hotly contested issue of the HealthCare Reform Legislation.

While the H1N1 Vaccines are given out, why not hold a free "Spay and Neuter" clinic for the students?

Hurry! the weather is turning colder!

Hurry! the weather is turning colder AND October is Adopt-A-Dog Month. Obviously, in America October was chosen as Adopt-A-Dog month in preparation for winter. With Cap and Trade set to add at least $1200 per family in energy bills, plus the general state of the economy, now is the time to add another Green Energy Thermal Device to each home. That of course, would be a Dog!

I am quite disappointed that Mom is not ready to begin interviewing my replacement (s) in order to save on her heating bill this winter.

This just caps off my Ultimate Disappointment that the Pending Healthcare Reform Legislation does NOT include Compression Therapy! In the 8 million pages of Healthcare Reform, surely there could be at least ONE little paragraph mandating that each family have at least ONE Dog to perform Compression Therapy, especially with the imminent H1N1 Epidemic! This truly solidifies my belief that none of the elected officials are interested in saving ANY money for the common taxpayer, as having a Dog to perform Compression Therapy adds Zero, yes Zero, dollars to the Federal Deficit.

Anyhoo, with Adopt-A-Dog Month just around the corner, I have come up with further arguments why Dogs are better than Children.

You do not have to let the Dog drive your car.

Once dogs reach adult size, usually within a year, they stop growing. No emergency trips to Macy's because it is Autumn, the weather is suddenly cold, and Middle Lad has suddenly outgrown all his pants. In fact, other than the dogs with the shortest hair (who can get by with just one or two jackets) NO clothes are needed for a dog.

Dogs don't have homework which you have to force them to do.

Dogs may "whine," but you don't have to take them to Target, the grocery store, Church, or anywhere else and LISTEN to them whine.

Dogs do not use too much toilet paper and cause it to "rain" into the kitchen below.

Oh, sure dogs aren't perfect, but we are far more perfect than any child. Go to the shelter and grab a "Green" Energy Device before it gets too cold!

Suburban Terrorists?

I am growing rather alarmed that Mom may be secretly a Terrorist. For the past couple years Mom has been quite obsessed, yes, OBSESSED with Afghans. No Pakistans. No Kyrgyzstans. Only Afghans. We are of course currently in our 8th year of war with Afghanistan. On Friday, Mom recieved in the mail TWO more books on Afghans. One book alone contains the instructions on how to make 100, yes one hundred Afghans! What could the Mulligan Compound possibly do with 100 Afghans? Oh, these Afghans are pretty enough, with their colorful yarns and repeating patterns, but why is Mom so obsessed with them? Mom must be planning to make even more Afghans and then to distribute them!

I, Mulligan, indeed found myself on several occasions entwined in one of Mom's innocent looking Afghans. Oh, it looked so soft and cozy, and the next thing I knew, a toe was hooked into a loop of yarn, and then a whole paw, and what could have happened next if I had not managed to release myself? Was this all part of a plot on Mom's part to slowly encase me in this soft web of yarn until I strangled myself?

Yes, I am certain that Mom is part of a whole terrorist group of Afghan makers. The terrorists can easily buy yarn and an instruction manual at the local craft store or over the Internet. Soon the home-spun Terrorist is crocheting or knitting Afghans to distribute all over Suburbia, the State or America!

Suburbia and Pork

Apparently my area of Suburbia did not qualify for any Economic Stimulus Money. Obviously the representatives for Suburbia must learn to Pull Pork! The denizens of my street took matters into their own recession-al hands and it was widely advertised that there was going to a Multi-Family Street Sale. How can this happen? Did ALL the families agree? I know for a fact that Mom would never agree to sell the street. Her Van is NOT an Off-road vehicle and she NEEDS the street in order to gain access to the Mulligan Compound. Oh, yeah, the more expensive houses in the subdivision behind us that use our street as an access road all have huge off-road SUVs, but not us. Would there still be bus service once the street was sold off? What would all the dogs living here along the street do all day? A major portion of a dog's life is to monitor activity "on the street." Pennie and I fairly live(d) our schedule by the school bus routes so we knew when to bark at all those nasty school children.

Anyhoo, Pennie accompanied Mom today to pick up Middle Lad from Taekwondo. It turns out that only the OTHER end of the Street was involved in the Multi-Family Street Sale. I do hope they don't expect to send their children all up to OUR bus stop or Pennie will go hoarse having to monitor all those children.

Within his rights

"Bear Attacks Colorado Man in His Home"

That is the headline of an article on FoxNews.com posted from Aspen, Colorado. Why are people upset at the Bear? If the Man was inside the Bear's Home, then isn't the Bear fully within his rights to attack the man?

Mulligan's Recession Measures

The Mulligan Compound of late has been partaking in various cost-saving measures. Despite blips on the screen that the Recession may be lifting, it does seem that prices continue to rise. Mom has taken to forcing the Lads to submit to "Recession Haircuts." The Oldest Lad uses his clippers to cut the Lads hair. Mom has yet to submit herself to a "Recession Haircut." One of the Cable Boxes was returned, despite the inevitable increase in family dis-harmony.

Often in my diary I have pointed out ways to save money. The best way to prepare for the winter is to add more dogs to each family. I simply fail to understand why so many dogs are being added to shelters with the "economy" being given as the excuse. It is far more economical to have more dogs!

Lower the furnace setting at night, or even forget heating the house at night in the winter, by sleeping with one or more dogs per person, depending on the size of the dog and the size of the person.

No need to vacuum, saving electricity, vacuum cleaner bags, and trash bags for those "bag-less" vacuums. The dog will keep the floor clean of food scraps. The dog hair can be left on the floor and furniture, providing natural insulation and warmth, or natural cooling in the summer. (Mom barely survived vacation without Pennie along to clean the floor and high chair tray up after the Wee Lass.)

For homes with a fireplace; dog chips can be collected from the backyard, dried and burned. Many of our early American Pioneers survived long winters burning Cow Chips. This is also a "Green" option as no more dog waste bags ending up in the land fills!

Pennie just had her nails clipped at the local pet store for only Five Dollars! Ladies can just head over to the pet store and get a manicure AND peticure for only $5, plus save gas money by picking up their pet supplies at the same time.

Save water by having the dog (s) pre-rinse all the dishes.

And of course no need for some fancy Gym membership or a Wii Fit. Walk the Dog!

Pennie and the Corn Muffins

Pennie recently had an incident of an Intrusion at the Mulligan Compound! The Neighborhood surrounding our 0.6 acres of Suburbia has recently become a "Neighborhood Watch" designated area. Obviously this has turned out to be yet another waste of Taxpayers Money.

Pennie was alone in the house. An Intruder came, retrieved a bag of home-baked corn muffins from the kitchen counter, and proceeded to eat them, leaving corn muffin crumbs, and the plastic bag, all over the Family Room floor. The Intruder them went upstairs and, being thirsty after all those corn muffins, got into the Bath Tub. The evidence was clear, as paw prints were left all over the bath tub, even on the bath toys!

Pennie was able to engage the Intruder and force him/her to leave. She was unable to clean up the mess as the vacuum cleaner is temporarily at Oldest Lad's new (er, ancient) University digs, and lacking opposable thumbs, Pennie could not open the cleaning wipes container to wipe up the bath tub.

What is the point of Neighborhood Watch if these Busy Body Neighborhood Watchers are NOT Watching? Pennie was OFF duty; the Neighborhood Watchers were clearly ON schedule and look what happened! Our friend Louie in fact suggested that perhaps it was the Neighborhood Watchers who were the Intruders. Upon smelling the corn muffins they watched until Mom left, then subdued Pennnie, ate the corn muffins, and then revived Pennie in the bath tub, leaving Pennie's own paw prints in the tub.

In this Post 9/11 Era, how can these Egregious Communication Errors amongst Protection Agencies Occur? I submit that Neighborhood Watching must be returned to the DOGS! Dogs have been doing a perfectly acceptable, beyond acceptable even, job of Neighborhood Watch for centuries. Pennie must now never know when she can be truly at rest for it is clear that the Busy Bodies of the Neighborhood Watch are just that: Busy Bodies.

Take down those Tax Payer Funded Neighborhood Watch Signs and put up Dog Watch Signs! That will truly mean something. In fact, put pictures of the favorite Breed Specific Law Dogs such as Pit Bulls or Rottweillers on the signs and really make Suburia-ites think before they invade!

H1N1 Evolutionary Theory

I do believe that this year's Disease Du Jour may come down to the Survival of the Fittest.

This weekend the Family, minus Oldest Lad and Pennie, travelled to visit Grandma. Little Lad has not, as far as the family knows, been infected with the H1N1 virus. However, he did have a flu-like illness early last week that prevent him from attending school for the first day. Following Public School District Protocol, Mom kept Little Lad home until he was without fever for a full 24 hours. During the flu-like illness, and subsequently, the Little Lad has turned into a Mucus Monster. Pawsonally, I think of it as the "Jelly Donut Stage." Yes, there is nothing quite so tasty as the Jelly Donut delight of a face just at tongue licking level and then the squishy surprize of a fresh mucus kleenex.

Anyhoodle, while visiting Grandma; Grandma ate a plate of food that Little Lad was finished with, but had not "cleaned." Now certainly it is fine for us Dogs to "clean plates," but humans are NOT supposed to "clean plates" for fear of catching germs such as H1N1.

There is just nothing I, Mulligan, can do, about Humans who "Clean Plates," especially after Mucus Monsters. All the Paw washing in the world, sung to "Happy Birthday" twice, to take up the requisite 15 to 20 seconds, will not change that type of behavior. Darwin will have to decide.

I have been SPAMMED!

In an egregious assault of DOGSTER itself, I, Mulligan, have had one of my Diary entries, yes, one of my very own Diary entries, Spammed.

This viscious attack occured sometime during the wee hours of the night, as all attacks do. I consider it an attack on all that is American and Righteous, and oh, the Family just had SPAM last night!

Indeed, last night Oldest Lad opened up a luscious can of SPAM to go with leftover Homemade Macaroni and Cheese. Therefore this SPAM Attack on my Diary is an Attack on MOMLINESS, the Family Unit, all things crusty, and able to fit in a 9 by 13 casserole dish! Oh, the vision of Homemade Macaroni and Cheese, the lovely bechamel white sauce so lovingly stirred, then the sharp cheddar added to make it a gooey rich mass of delight. Then it bakes and on it's own the noodles and cheese meld to form such a bubbly mass, with a crusty topping all it's own. How many times did Pennie and I almost tear each other to bits over who got to clean the dish? Mom would hold the dish for one of us for a turn, then the other, until it was spotless.

Anyhoodle, I digress. Oldest Lad decided to open another ALL-American Institution, a can of SPAM to go with his leftover Macaroni and Cheese. Why are SPAM attacks called SPAM? SPAM attacks are a cruel, sneaky, mean attack. SPAM the food is a useful, edible treat! The SPAM Liquid can be used to waterproof hiking boots. Although, I, Mulligan, would not pawsonally recommend this. Oh, I, Mulligan, am indeed a non-discriminatory Dog, as I have stated most recently in my Compression Therapy Health Care Plan. If a hiker wants to waterproof his/her hiking boots with Spam Liquid then by all means go ahead. It's just that I, Mulligan, pawsonally do not wish to attract a bear, or a jaguar or Sasquatch to come hiking with me, due to the wondrous odor of Spam eminating from my boots. It's not "discrimination" against bears, jaguars, and Sasquatch, per se; but well, I am afraid of them.

The SPAM meat itself can be eaten straight from the can; making it a perfect product to keep for emergencies. In non-emergencies, it can be fried up to a crispy delight, getting an attractive speckled brown crust, and imbueing the household with it's wondrous odor.

I, Mulligan, am obviously quite disturbed by this horrid SPAM attack on my Diary Entry. It is an attack on SPAM itself; an American Institution! It is a weak, spineless assault on ME, allowing Me no means to defend myself. And of course it is an attack on DOGSTER, which must NOT BE ALLOWED!