Mulli of the MidWest

Hurry to the nearest Shelter for latest fitness craze!

I, Mulligan, have invented the latest Fitness Craze. On TV, one always sees commercials for the Ab Blaster, the Ab Cruncher, the Ab Intimidator, the "trim your thighs and abs in only 3 minutes per day! all in one Ab Excising Knife machine."

These commercials all show a handsome human male with six-pack ABs who went from a BMI of 75 to a BMI of 23 in just 6 easy weeks, with no dieting. His beatiful, bikini clad, low IQ Female counterpart, went from a BMI of 67 to a BMI of 12 in just 5 easy weeks, while still consuming all the chocolate she desired.

I have invented the: Mulli Ab Machine.

It's very simple. Obtain one 53 (or greater) pound shelter dog, the worse disposition the better, as that will lessen the desire to remove the Mulli Ab Machine.

Go to sleep with the Mulli Ab Machine laying across one's abdominals, all night long.

I do this for Mom all the time. She sleeps, and I lay across her abdomen. This is how it works: The weight of the Mulli Ab increases the strength needed to breathe. All night long, the abdominal muscles are gently strengthened as they work harder than normal to breathe. This also gives the lungs a harder workout as they must work harder to expand fully while being crushed under the weight of the Mulli Ab. Meanwhile, the soothing body heat of the Mulli Ab naturally begins to melt the fat layer underneath the skin, like margarine in a fry pan.

Hurry! Usually the largest dogs are the last to leave the Shelter, but with my new Mulli Ab invention, I foresee people running to the closest shelter to get the largest, most intractable dog they can find.

Mom: "Wait just a minute, Mulligan! This is totally bogus! Yes, you spend many a night sleeping ON ME, but I certainly have not lost any weight in the 3 plus years you have lived here! As point of fact, I have gained weight -- surely from all the STRESS over-eating I do just from the added anxiety you, Mulligan, bring to my life. For dog's sake, Mulligan, a dog is supposed to "add" to the value of a person's life, not give them constant heartburn! And that's not possible, to gently melt away body fat, like margarine."

Mulligan: Well, Mom, you know there is always a disclaimer with any fitness products that "these results are not typical, and the individual results may vary." Maybe you just need to work harder. Walk me more, and then let me sleep on top of you more.