All Day I Sit and Wait
June 18th 2009 7:46 am
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My sweet Angel Beezer, so much has been going on lately. Not enough time to think really... but I do, of you, all the time... Yesterday marked one year to the day that I came home and found you unable to use your hind legs to stand up and meet me. I keep going through it one minute at a time... Walking in the door expecting to see you standing there, but instead seeing you in the kitchen area looking really confused and trying to get to me, using your front paws and falling down not knowing what was happening. I remember hugging you and silently praying for the first even few hours that you were just stiff or that something just ripped or whatever it was. But it was then it started.... I just can't believe it. I write about how much I miss you, but I don't think people really get it. Time to move on they say, Beezer wouldn't have wanted to see you this way (which I don't totally believe..lol)... they say Beezer lived longer than a lot of sheperds as if that is supposed to make me feel better, they tell me to try and rememeber all the good times which I certainly do, but then that just makes me cry. I know that other people saw that you were slowing down, more than I did or maybe it was because I didn't want to, I don't know but I do know that in the last few months and even weeks, so many things have happened that have made me want to just snuggle up to you and squeeze your big old furry neck and you haven't been there.. (Your earth brofur Capone is not a snuggler, but at 11 months, I have to be patient...:O) I don't know Beenie Bean, I am very emotional today and I am just finding myself crying and missing you. Maybe its the weather, maybe its because yesterday marks the day that began the change in my life that I never saw coming that fast. Maybe its because from now and until July 8th, 2009, I will relive what everyday last year was like for me. Like the first night we came home from the vets office and you were still groggy from the anethesia for the xrays... I remember trying to get you out of the car in 95 degree heat with no one to help us and the look on your face that just said, I am sorry mommy, I am trying really hard, but I can't do it! Then our wonderful neighbor came and helped me carry you up the stairs.... I am very sad today Beezer, I miss you more today than the days before.... I wish I could go back in time and freeze us in on June 16, 2008 when we went for a short walk when I got home from work and then just laid on the couch together....