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"The Adventures of Gee-Tadda"

Crashin the "Pawty"

Okay,..so, it's true,..I love my Man Rhett,..But gracious, he is so spoiled. (Mr Spoilie Boy) Brooooothuuur! Who care's about having 3 legs,..SO WHAT! So he has one less thing to lift than other guys when he,.. tinkles,.. That doesn't make him Snoopy or anything,...I don't know why this 3 leg thing
always has to entitle him to all these special prizes and licks. Which includes becoming a member at the Doggie Spa 2 years ago. And in all fairness to me,...I didn't know anything about this "Therapy" at first,..
So, here,.. let me tell you how the whole thing went down....First off,..I was already a bit PEEVED. I had,- had, just about enough of this "RHETT IS SPECIAL malarkey for one day. Which ALWAYS happens when we go to the vet,.. `cept today was MY APPOINTMENT,..You're supposed to FAWN ALL OVER ME!! Not my Arranged Marriage Husband steaming up and slobbering all over the windows in the truck. Gimme a break! I had a DR's appointment, Yup- you guessed it, still tryin to get my weight down. Now,...I have a call into Kirstey Alley, and some other celeb friends for advice on my figure, but so far only Anna Nicole has called, which is super disheartening, considering I never called her in the first place. Whatta needy creature she is huh?

So anyshmooze,..I am at the vet feelin a bit, well, disenchanted over my waistline, Not that I am unattractive or anything,..I am lucky that my Man Rhett likes a bit of meat on his bones, (Pardon the pun) But still,..I have a really beautiful leather collar with little studded hearts that I have been just dying to slip into and I just don't see it happening, at least not this "Holiday season" So I am in the car just watching the passers by etc, when Mom, pulls up into this parking lot I'd n ever been in. She jumps out of the car and comes around to my side,.. opens the door but reaches OVER me,.. and grabs Rhett's collar, puts HIS lead on, and he jumps out of the car and away they go. Before I go any further, for you people who are worried about me being in the car alone,.. my Mommy has set the temp so it stays a lovely 65 degrees, she set's the alarm which I like to set off very frequently but she also has these 2 things, little things that look like her ringing box. She leaves one in the car for me,.. and takes the other one. Now this is the coolest contraption ever cause somehow my Mama,..goes around the corner where I can't see her anymore, and the next thing I know,..she is INSIDE that box! I can hear her talking to me loud and clear coming out of that thing,..even tho she must have shrunk to a tiny tiny size to fit. I just don't know how she got in there, but I also know that if I bark into that box,..SOMEHOW, they can HEAR ME too! I Swear to Yeller,..I am not kidding. So anytime I am chewing on the door or getting into the groceries? My Mom RE-APPEARS, and here she comes flying around the corner, again.)
SO anyhoo,...I was laying in the back where I'd found a great patch of sunshine, and I heard it, my second fave thing next to bacon. WATER splashing. Somehow I heard Mom and Rhett, and they were in that little box swimming. I went crazy,... I had to figure out the disappear trick,... SO I did something I normally NEVER do,.. I Stuck my head out the window and began PUSHING,..I pushed and pushed, and suddenly,.. the window gave way,.. I leaned on it some more and it slid down into the door hole, and out I went,.. following Mom's scent to that magic corner where I discovered,.. this was NO MAGIC AT ALL~ This was plain & simply DECEIT! There they were together, MY MOM and MY MAN Rhett in the big pool swimming with a stranger. My Mom was sitting on the edge of the pool and Rhett was swimming, balanced on the arm of a man that looked like the guy thats at Rhetts doctors den. I cocked my head from one side to the other,.. and felt the sadness, the disappointment, the jealousy rage and build inside of me. Don't know what came over me,.. but I bolted,.. I jumped about 6 feet straight up into the air, which is right when my Mom turned her head and got wind of me,.. I hit the ground and sprinted,...My Mom got up and headed straight for me,.. and I ran in the opposite direction.
People were coming out of everywhere throwing their arms out arms trying to grab me,.. but I was MUCH too fast for ANY of them,..I dodged, and jumped, and squatted,.. and leaned avoiding all of their advances,.. hee hee heeeeeeeeeeeeee,
when at long last I heard Rhett say,...'RUPT- EuuuuRUPT" Which is "DOG" for "Jump In" and that's when from the edge I leapt over the flower capped heads of 3 water treading imbeciles and onto Rhett's floatie thing. I wish someone had a picture taking thing cause I know I looked really cute. I always look cute when I am smiling. WHICH I WAS. I deserved this and I was frankly not worried about being in trouble because how dare she take my man swimming, out there having a blast, and LEAVE ME IN THE CAR? FORGET HER! I didn't care, HOW MAD SHE WAS.
So amazingly enough I got to stay in the pool and play with my Mommy, and another nice lassie who gave me a towel when it was time to get out.
I later heard Mommy telling someone else about what I did today, and she called the pool,.."Hydro Therapy" Hmmm I wonder if I will be able to go to the water therapy every week with Mom -n- Rhett, since I showed them how well behaved I am, and especially how good of a runner I am. I'll see if my Mommy can bring a picture taking machine next time, she said that the "Steam from the pool" makes her lens? get foggy? Whatever that means, I never had been to a pool inside a house...These Spa's are something else. I hope I get to go again real soon.

De-Focusing

Usually, I try to be the "Star Pup," When Mom is having problems with the fosters I try to be on my best behavior, it always makes me look 20 times better, but today I got a wild hair and I am not sure where it came from, but I decided that when Mom said "Walk Time" was thru, I wasn't even close to being finished.
Of course, I ran to the door like I was coming in, But then I took off again, Mom standing there tapping her foot, slammed the door shut and said something about not having time for these games and even yelled, "Good-bye!" real loud. So I thought I'd have myself a bit of an outing.
I know where I live by now, I knew no matter where I go I can find my way back...So the first thing on my agenda was a romp down to that mean man's house with all those crazy chickens and peacocks.... Boy- did I give them a small fright, `Cept for that one peacock that likes to yell at me, Darn that thing...there were pretty feathers everywhere, hee hee heeeeee!
Then I decided to rip apart half of a haystack, which was super fun and I was gonna get the rest but some crazed maniac came shoeing me off with a broom, AND IN CASE YOU DON'T KNOW- I HATE BROOMS!
I looked up for a minute and saw that my Mom was watching that man chasing me and laughing, He was ACTUALLY LAUGHING,..And that is just plain wrong!.... He was running after me for absolutely no reason whatsoever, I mean, peacocks are here for one reason, and one reason only,...And we all know it's for "chasing" (and hearing them make that crazy monkey scream, that they do.) Unfortunately the only sreaming I got to hear was my Mom screaming,.."Oh no- OH MY GOD,... leave it,...Leave it!!"
Or maybe she said,.."Oh no- OH MY- DOG?" Hmmm,.. "Dog" & "God?" Same thing,... anyway.
So there she was, she was yelling at me from across the creek, so boy did I know that I was in for "IT," I was DEFINITELYheaded for, A "Time out" to end all "Time Out's,"....so I figured I'd better get in a good romp,... Right? I may never see the outside again after today!
So, I went further up the leaf covered road and made all 960 dogs on my street start barking at once,...Hee hee heeeeeee! Obviously, it is super easy for me, with my 4 great looking legs to run up this road, (which is really just a dirt covered wall.) I mean it's straight up and down, and boy are those leaves slippery too! It was funny to see Mom running really hard, but she didn't seem to be gaining on me, or getting anywhere really!? In fact, just when I saw her coming, why, she'd go right back down backwards, again, hmmmm Why do you suppose she did that?
By this time, I looked up and saw all those neighbor people were looking out their windows at beautiful ME,..And laughing at ME,..I know I am attractive, but really, it was a special feeling cause, I wasn't even posing or anything. I was really more interested in watching how come my Mommy just kept doing that slide thing back down the hill thing. Man she's a funny lady sometimes! She wanted so badly to come and get me, probably to hug me and tell me how cute I am,..Jeez,..It took a day like today for me to realize how entertaining I could be! (Note to self, Get own reality show:)
I was basking in the idea of being adored by the millions, evenings filled with lovely liver patet feasts, when suddenly wouldn't you know it? I guess I didn't realize how good that diet of Mom's had actually been working, cause she finally made it up that slippery side of the mountain and was standing there with my lead thing, and I just stood there frozen, I could barely believe my eyes. Usually Mom gives up by now and it's Pop that comes chasing after me, But nope, it was Mom, and Boy is she more fun than I thought! Golly, I like that smoke stuff that comes outta her ears. That's really neat!
(Note to self,..Find out more ways to make smoke come outta Mom's ears)
Now I once saw a Cow on TV and I truly admired the way he ran in and out from his owner's red Jacket, so even tho Mom was only wearing her sleeping dress, and didn't have a red jacket thing,..I tried that running in and out between her legs thing too, like the cow on TV,...But Mom, didn't look as proud of my new trick as I thought she was going to.
It was right then that I think she had jumped and tried to catch me, I am still not sure, I was thinking that maybe dirt is on her new diet or something, I know that when I have stuff all over my face it's usually cause it's super yummy, and, well, it did look good, real yummy all over Mom's mouth and hair. (Note to self, must try eating dirt, might be better than my own foot)
While I was contemplating these things I realized that Mom was gone again,....So I guessed I'd out played her, She probably went home to take a nap. Actually, I was even tired by now...But still, I was reallyhappy.
Mesmerized by the creek, I kinda took my time and wandered back down that slippery hill, and when I got to the rocks and stood watching my reflection in the, OMG,..wait a minute before I forget,..have you seen those things that hang out in that water? Those glistening, polished, perilous, slimy-weird suckers? How exotic! And man, are they fast?...I sure wished they'd have stood still for a minute! Sheesh!
I was only half soaked-but entirely covered with mud and sand, ( Cause rolling in that junk feels darn- right!) by the time I heard Mom's truck up on the bridge! OH BOY! Mom's here in the truck? We're gonna go for a ride now too?! I can't believe it, a ride on top of it all? I flew up and outta that creek, full of pride, I may not have caught one of those swimming squeaky toys, but hey, "I'LL BE BACK!"....
It was just then that,...No- Could this be?? I miscalculated Mom's feelings again? I'd thought she'd be so PROUD!? But NOPE, Mom did that, 'disappearing eye trick? You know the one, it's usually accompanied by the opening the mouth thing, And now that I think about it,..she kinda resembled one of those darn crafty things in the creek! The eyes, The Mouth, YES! Thats it! Mom always does that with her face, after I've been for an unscheduled swim. I love seeing her make that face. That Mom,...she's a gas!
I jumped in the back of her truck, and was VERY excited! So many fun places crossed my mind...I squealed with delight, where might we be going? The Beach? Park? Drive-In? Mall? OH BOY,...
Ooooh, Maybe it's that big place with all the Doggy stuff you can bring home, That place with all the cookies and treats and oohh, all the cool toys? I LOVE THAT PLACE,..You know the one where you can pee right on the floor?
But no??? Could this be??? Whatta BUMMER,..I was DISSED,....Mom pulled up in OUR OWN DRIVEWAY, What the-@%^!$*.... BOLDERDASH! That was a really awful trick. It ended up that the only- "Some where" I, got to go- was directly under the hose!!! And Man did that suck!
Now, while we'd been on our 45 minute adventure,..When we got back iinto the house, Mom shreiked and I pranced in so proudly,.. for I'd know that scream anywhere,..All those fosters had opened up the locked lid on that garbage thing and emptied it all over the entire house. Hee hee heeeeee,
Boy were THEY naughty! And in BIG GIANT trouble!
Ooohhhhhh--------BUSTEDDDDDD!!!!!!......
Suddenly Mom wasn't doing her eye rolling thing at me anymore,.. it was aimed at them! They are sooo bad,.. Or I heard Mom say, their "Behavior" is bad. What's the diff?
They looked BAD and I looked good again. And, Ya, this was my plan all along, THEY are so darn predictable...Honestly,...you can always count on them to grab the "Naughty Spotlight" Sheesh,...Table Scraps from the trash...? C' mon! Gimme a BREAK!
Such primitive creatures! Garbage eaters!!
With 3 minutes more freedom, I'd have been enjoying a fresh chicken, peacock and fish dinner...I'll get`em next time for sure!
Ya know?-
When you're good you're good!!