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Oeniphile's File

I swear I didn't do it

September 20th 2007 6:45 pm
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Lambykins, one of my favorite stuffed animals, was attacked in our house and declared dead on the scene. Lambykins’ gruesome murder by evisceration, disemboweled during the light of day in a sleepy neighborhood,, is shocking to everyone and has all our stuffed animal friends living in constant terror. Lambykins was a central member of our family who provided endless love to me and Solei, making it crazy that Mommy and Daddy are blaming us for his death. We have both decided to plead the fifth to these ludicrous charges of killing our good friend.
Photo of Lambykins Murder Scene


What would you do with $12 million...

August 29th 2007 1:48 pm
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The late Leona Hemsley left her beloved Maltese, Trouble, the largest gift in her will; a hefty $12 Million. That is a lot of money for a small puppy. We think Trouble should use her gift to help other animals in need once her immediate needs like food, shelter and a private jet are taken care of. After that, there are plenty of other doggies who could use Trouble's help.

Trouble, how about you take me and Solei out for a nice steak dinner with a good Merlot next time we're in New York and we can discuss all the ways you in the fine company of Trouble....


Help me fight animal cruelty

July 29th 2007 7:11 am
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My mom has been spitting mad lately with all the news and images of the dog fighting that Quarterback Michael Vick and his "friends" are accused of running. She says that hundreds of thousands of animals are "adopted" every year for the sole purposes of using them to kill other animals or to be killed. Big dogs, like my Aunt Roxie, think they are being adopted to loving homes only to find themselves having to kill or be killed to satisfy their new owners who are looking to make money off them.

Mommy is starting to write letters to organizations urging them to stand up against animal fighting and wants everyone to do the same. I have attached a letter below that my Mom wrote to, who sells animal fighting magazines and books. Please tell your parents to take the time to cut and paste the letter and send it to Amazon to show them that animals should be lovers and not fighters, and to boycot amazon until they start respecting the animals. Thanks!


The following letter can be mailed to customer service through, through the American Humane Society at the following link, or directly to Amazon at 1516 2nd Ave., Seattle, WA 98101.

Dear Jeff Bezos , Founder & CEO;

Michael Vick’s career as an NFL Quarterback is over due to his involvement in an animal fighting ring. This should be a wake up call to all engaged in the support and promotion of these cruel and horrific acts against animals; the American public is not going to tolerate any person or company associated with torturing animals. The backlash against animal fighting and cruelty is not just directed at those running these fights, it also includes those who sell books and magazines aimed at promoting animal fighting, which includes

I was disgusted to discover that continues to sell publications that promote and support animal fighting, a practice that not only hurts and kills hundreds of thousands of animals but also puts adults and children at risk of attack. Despite repeated pleas from the American Humane Society to stop selling these magazines and books, will not take a stand against animal torture nor comply with federal laws banning the sale of such publications.

If a plea by the American Humane Society and threats of lawsuits for violating federal laws prohibiting the sale and distribution of materials aimed at promoting animal fighting is not enough, perhaps it is time for your customers to send an even louder message and stop purchasing from Amazon until these publications are pulled from your virtual shelves. Your online audience is your lifeline, and as this same audience learns of the support you lend to the animal fighting industry by continuing to sell these barbaric publications, your sales will surly start to plummet.

There is no First Amendment right to sell publications promoting and soliciting the purchase of fighting animals and weapons. These publications are as morally repugnant as child pornography and selling these publications makes you no better then those actually engaging in torturing these animals. I urge you to not only comply with federal law, but do the morally and ethically right thing by pulling animal fighting publications from your sales line. The community of animal lovers dedicated to stopping this practice by boycotting will hurt your sales much more then pulling animal fighting publications from your virtual shelves.




February 8th 2007 2:36 pm
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For months Mommy and Daddy have been trying to figure out why I have been acting strange. Since I don't speak human English I wasn't able to communicate why I was running away, hiding in closets and cowering behind the toilet. It wasn't pancreatitis, seizures or bi-polar disorder. After over 6 months and hundreds of dollars in vet bills, Mom and Dad figured out I am afraid of the kitchen.

It didn't start off as a fear of the kitchen. It was probably something small like the sound of the toaster or the vent over the stove. But since Mom and Dad couldn't figure out what was wrong with me earlier, I developed a full blown phobia of the kitchen. It is not a bad place when it is empty and there is nothing on, but the minute someone walks into the kitchen, I panic and have to run and hide. It isn't fair, I don't want to be a scaredy cat, but I can't help it.

Mom and Dad bought the book "Help for Your Fearful Dog: A Step-by-Step Guide to Helping Your Dog Conquer His Fears" by Nicole Wilde. I hope the book teaches Mom and Dad how to fix me soon, I can't get scraps that fall to the floor if I am too afraid to go in the kitchen!


Feeling Kinda Strange

December 16th 2006 6:31 pm
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I have been acting really strange for the past couple of months and Mommy and Daddy talked to the vet about it. My parents are now checking me out for pancreatitis, but keeping in mind that I could be hearing noises with our new house still settling. Mom thinks there is a ghost in the house, but Dad doesn't think so. I just want to be myself again. I hate being so scared that I hide in the closet and behind the toilets.


Afraid of Flying

January 2nd 2006 7:43 am
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It is really fun being at Grandma and Grandpa's house in New York. I get to see my Aunts Roxie and Beamer and my cousins Stella and Pijo. I also get spoiled rotten by everyone. The problem is, to visit Grandma and Grandpa I have to go on this thing called an airplane and I really don't like it. Mom says I'm lucky to fly in the cabin with her, but I have to be in this little bag under the seat when I would much prefer to be sitting on Mommy's lap so I can enjoy the inflight magazine and a glass of merlot. I chewed the latch off my carrier on my way to NY and surprised Mommy when I got out of the bag, but it made her very upset. I wish we lived closer to Grandma and Grandpa because I prefer the car to the plane.

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