You know You're Bored When...

You think Hannibull's leaking anal glands are halfway interesting,
Dad's socks amuse you only until the point where you tear one measly little hole,
You only manage a chuckle when Hannibull gets booted outside for peeing in the house ( yeah he's 20 months old)
You only empty half the Kong of its yummy contents before you lose interest and roll over and nap.
I blame this suffocating heat. Living in the desert freakin sucks. Anyway, my lack of lust for life explains why I am way behind on Dogster tag and diary entries. Something I finally got around to hounding the assistant about, and she is finally getting some of the tasks checked off the list I made for her.
So here's the deal on Dogster Tag:
I got tagged by Georgie, Oliver, and George. The directions are as follows,

Each player starts with seven random facts about themselves. Dogs who are tagged, need to post in their Diary the rules & their 7 pawsome facts. Then choose 7 dogs to tag and list their names. Don’t forget to bark them a pmail that they have been tagged and to read your Diary, or, send them a fun Rosette announcing they've been Tagged!

My 7 Pawsome Facts
1) I am Pawsome!
2) Hannibull is not
3) I can empty my artichoke toy of treats in 40 seconds flat by tipping it upside down and rolling it invertedly along the bookcase.
4) My IQ is spooky high
5) I marked the new crate bed on November 12, 2006 and let Hannibull take the blame, wuahahaha
6) My mom loves me more than Hannibull
7) And my last pawsome fact: I scream and wail whenever I get a manicure and it really doesn't hurt at all- I just like to mess with everyone's minds.

I am tagging:
1. Nellie
2. Effie
3. Dakota
4. Pearl
5. Babette
6. Hola
7.Bob

Okay Dogster Pals I Need Your Vote

Please vote for me in the SPCA Photo Contest, is this a 4 star look or what cause if I lose one more contest to a Chihuahua which I am not really convinced is an actual dog, I am going to lose it. No offense to all you Chis out there but c'mon you gotta admit it's easier to see the rodent and feline similarities than a canine resemblance. I'm just saying...

Wha?!?

Dogster HQ chose Hannibull for dog of the week? Are you kidding me? This is some kind of cruel joke. Monkey boy? Did they not see my page? I think I'm going to be sick.

You Are Only Young Once But You Can Stay Immature- Indefinitely

Today is the squirt's birthday. Big whoop. As if he has grown up at all in the last twelve months. I suppose the fact that he doesn't poop in the house anymore shows some growth. But that's been a pretty recent development. He still refers to imaginary friends and thinks he's a military genius with imaginary missions. I don't think we can chalk that up to some kind of "puppy phase", do you? But it is kind of a milestone for the monkeyboy and I'm not one to turn down birthday cake and a chance to make merry, so Happy Birthday General Barka, may you celebrate many more birthdays well into your retirement, which should not be a problem as long as you always remember to first pay tribute to HRH Princess Clementine ;)

Dog Day Afternoons

Oh geezus, I just read Hannibull's latest diary entry and as taxing as it is to do anything in this heat, I gotta clear up any misconceptions that delusional little midget dictator has created. First of all, we didn't move to the desert to "hide him" from would-be assassins. The only person he needs protection from is himself (well maybe me on occasion-hehehe.) And people think I'm self-centered, sheesh. At least I'm cognizant of the fact that we had to move to Phoenix for Dad's residency at Mayo. Mom certainly never lets us forget it. She wants to go back to California- bad. Can't say I blame her. It's freakin hot here! And I'm not talkin shorts and tank top hot either, it's burn your hands on the steering wheel/swimming pool is a sauna-hot. Hannibull tries to tough it out too, like he's some Ridgeback, helllloooo, we're Bulldogs! We aren't made for the heat. But does that little "genius" take this into account when he demands to be taken outside, away from the lifesaving A/C , at high noon everyday. Little macho butthead. I've resigned to only using the outdoor facilities, so to speak, twice a day, in conjunction with the temperature dips. He can do his noontime bathroom runs alone. And since Mom doesn't want to be outside anymore than me, he's right back inside 5 minutes later, which means he is bugging me for the next hour and half trying to get out that pent up energy. Someone needs to tell him he is almost one year old and the puppy bit is getting old. Speaking of which, I feel rested enough to whoop some General butt. The diary update on my life will have to wait.
IceCream Freezer Dreams,
Clementine

Hooray for Hollywood

Oh my god, there is so much to write about and I have no time. My mom who helps with typing this thing is studying for the California Bar exam and said my diary will just have to wait until August when her exam is over. But I can't wait that long so I gave her my best pouty face and she said I could dictate a short entry. So let's see, where do I start... well we left New York for good. I was really really sad. Our doggie friends had a farewell party for us and it was so fun I forgot what the occasion was and then I remembered :( I hope we get to go back and visit all of our human and dog friends in Manhattan. It's the best dog hangout ever!
We came to Los Angeles on a plane- I don't remember much about the trip, air travel makes me sleepy. I had trouble figuring out that we were at Grandma and Grandpa's to stay. Hannibull made himself right at home but I wanted to make sure Mom and Dad weren't leaving us there and moving again. And wouldn't you know, I was right- Dad's gone. He left one day and I've looked everywhere for him but I am pretty sure he did not come back. Mom says don't worry, he's in Scottsdale already starting his new job and we will all be together again when Mom is done with her test. Aaagh, I am beginning to curse this exam as much as Mom- what a pain.
In the meantime, I am living it up So Cal style. Lounging poolside with a cool bowl of lime infused water in hand, you know it baby! And we went to Hollywood and had our pictures taken by Mom's friend- people were giving us mad treats there. They know how to treat a French Bulldog in Hollywood unlike out here in the burbs. Oh well, the grandparents are nice and they spoil us and we get to boss Gia around which is always good for laughs. Mom bought a new car and we get to cruise in that instead of the subway which is cool. I just wish it was a convertible- Angelenos need to see this face.

The Squirts

This week, my mom played a dirty trick on me and took care of her god-puppy Archie for the day, only she didn't tell me it was just for the day. I wake up and there's not one but two Squirts hanging out in the living room with all of MY toys. I was not happy. He and Hannibull were so in love with each other too. I swear Hannibull will be friends with just about anyone. He's not exactly a dog of discerning tastes if you know what I mean. He eats rocks and tries to lick cats for god sakes. One squirt is bad enough but the two of them were just too much, I mean how much more can a girl take besides Hannibull. The new little guy had some kind of death wish too. He thought he could take bones and toys away from me- HA- you would have thought his new best friend Hannibull would have given him a heads up that 9 lb French Bulldog puppies don't stand a chance against me. Sheesh.
He proved to be as dense as Hannibull too, since he didn't catch on the first time I whipped his butt and he actually tried to take a bone from me a second time. And when we went to the park he tried to hump our friend Rusty's foot. Rusty is a 90 lb. German Shepherd- Archie is a 9lb. Frenchie- what was he thinking? Lucky for him Rusty is very good-natured and just shook him off. Between Archie and Hannibull, Mom and me were exhausted. The good thing is, Mom is rethinking getting her own brindle male puppy.
After Archie's parents picked him up, I thought I was all through with squirts for the week but turns out I was wrong. The next day, the Squirt got the squirts- hahahahaha. I thought it was hilarious until I heard Mom tell Dad that we wouldn't be getting any more sardines because of Hannibull's sensitive GI tract. Unbelievable- the kid licks everything on the sidewalk, the bottom of Mom and Dad's shoes, drinks rain puddles (okay maybe I do that too), eats mud and grass and leaves... he could have gotten the squirts from lots of things. Why take away my sardines? I love sardines! It's not fair! The Squirt ruins everything.

Spring Fever

The weather is getting warmer and it's making me restless. I guess I should be happy that winter is over but something around here smells funny. There have been lots of strange goings on. And no, I am not talking about the bunny ears incident. I am not even going to go there. It's in the past and I've moved on. Although, it was almost worth the degradation just to see Hannibull sporting those ridiculous bunny ears- hah! Which reminds me of one of the things that's fishy lately- Hannibull has been going outside consistently to use the bathroom. I mean what is that? He rings his little pooch ringer bells on the front door and they rush him out. And either the kid has a bladder infection or he is smarter than I give him credit for. He rings those suckers every 10 to 15 minutes and my brain dead parents take him out every 10 -15 minutes. C'mon, wake up people, no one has to go that often, not even the Squirt. Although he has caught on to the whole marking thing, but he still squats to mark- hahaha. Tssk, tssk, poor kid, even I lift my leg to leave a marker.
Besides the Squirt's uncomfortable entrance into puberty, the parents have been acting weird too. There are boxes coming in all the time, and they are not filled with my food and toys like usual. They are empty and sometimes I see mom putting things from our house into them and taping them back up. Doesn't make any sense. If she's going to pack anything up and ship it out, I vote that it's Hannibull. And the oddest thing of all, I overheard her on the phone to the store where she buys our food and she was telling them that it would be her *gulp* last order. What the..? Last order? What are we going on some kind of crash diet? She'd better not try to make me go vegetarian or something. You can't raise a pup on raw meat and bones and then make them quit cold turkey, literally, quit cold turkey. I'm telling you things are weird around here these days. Dude, if they shut off the cable I am out of here!

Are You Kidding Me?

Oh god, Mom bought a dremel tool today. For those of you who don't have manicure-obsessed people who feed and clean up after you, this is a draconian device which is battery powered and meant to grind down a dog's nails like a sanding machine. That woman is off her rocker if she thinks I'm going to let her anywhere near me with that thing. She bought one before, last year, as I recall, and she thinks I don't remember. Her and Dad tried to be slick and leave it out for me to smell and then touched me with it (with the power off) and gave me treats. I played along. Then one day, they called me over and took my paw and touched the tool to my nail and then all of sudden I hear a loud buzz and my nail starts vibrating like crazy and I FREAKED OUT! Geezus, what were these people thinking? I was just going to keep sitting there all cool, waiting for my treat while my paw felt like it was being held against a coffee grinder- paleeeze. I screamed my freakin head off and got the he$$ out of Dodge. I'm all for beauty regimens but this is where I draw the line. And now she bought a smaller one that says "canine manicure tool," in this sweet little case, like I'm not going to realize it's the same exact torture device. When will they learn?
Oh, I forgot the best part. Momma's precious little boy sits quiet and still and gets his nails done while gobbling up treats. Sometimes Hannibull makes me want to puke. What a sell-out, man. It's all because he wants to get in their good graces so they will take him to California to see his girl-friend. Blech!

More Trouble Than He's Worth

Hannibull has to start obedience classes for sure now. Ha-ha! Last Monday his friend Moxie was visiting from California and her mom brought her over to play with us. She is my friend Midge's sister. She is really cute. Her and Hannibull have been pen pals for awhile but this is the first time they met in person and they became super best friends right away. He followed her all around the dog park and when an over-amorous Pitbull wouldn't leave Moxie alone, Hannibull stepped in to protect Moxie's honor. I have to say that Pitbull was out of line, even I joined in to tell him to back off of poor little Moxie, but Hannibull always has to take it a step further. He bit the Pitbull in the b-a-l-l-s. That kid has no brains sometimes. And even after he did it and Mom got between him and the Pitbull, Hannibull still kept trying to go after that dog- what a squirt. One of these days he is going to really bring about more trouble than he can handle and he better hope Mom is around to bail him out because I'm not risking my beautiful looks to save his little butt. Now Mom says he needs some obedience schooling so he lets go of his Little General complex. I mean the kid has no teeth- I've felt them, they're nubs, and he's out there challenging all takers- sheesh. I admit, he seems to get alot of other dogs to do what he says. Whoever Hannibull decides should be chased, that's who all of the other dogs chase, and then when he changes his mind and picks a different target, all of his followers start going after the new dog instead. It's ridiculous. I just sit there and shake my head sometimes, some dogs can be so dumb. I mean who would take orders from the squirt? Good grief.
Of course, Hannibull is now in love with Moxie. Her mom said she would take care of us if our family ever goes to San Francisco so now Hannibull is going to bug to go there and see his Frenchie crush but it rains too much there for my taste. I would rather go to San Diego or Santa Barbara for a weekend and get in some beach time- we'll see who has more influence over Mom and Dad. And as long as the squirt thinks it's cool to poop in the house- he's got no pull with them- teeheehee. Santa Barbara, here we come.