Big Brass Ones

A short glossary for new readers

January 24th 2007 8:47 am
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We here at Big Brass Ones are cognizant of the fact that we are acquiring new readers all the time. (We are also cognizant of the fact that our long-time readers tend to have short attention spans and poor memories, but don’t tell them you heard it from me.) So, as an aid to new readers’ enjoyment of this fine diary, we offer the following glossary (links are to the diary entries in which the terms first appeared):

ACES: Another Chance for English Setters. A rescue group with some, shall we say, novel notions of what is their business and what is yours. If you like being a registered sex offender, you'll love trying to adopt an English Setter from ACES.

Boise, Frisbetarian Crusader Kingdom of: The Frisbetarian Promised Land. During no epoch has Boise actually been under our entire control, but we’re always working on it. Next year in Boise, as Saint Dexeter says.

DETH: Dogs for the Ethical Treatment of Humans. We define ethical fairly loosely and consider ourselves the anti-PETA. DETH is a wholly owned subsidiary of DexCorp. By unanimous acclamation, I am the Chairman of DETH.

DexCorp: DexCorp is a little mysterious, even to me. My checks come from a P.O. Box in the Cayman Islands. I don’t think you will find out very much more about DexCorp without a warrant and a submachine gun. At a minimum.

Frisbetarianism: A religion whose central dogma is that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and no one can get it down anymore. But stay tuned; we here at the Frisbetarian Mother Church of Greater Metropolitan Spreckels are cooking up new articles of faith all the time.

LDADS: Little Dexter Attack Deterrent System. This is actually a very nifty walking stick, the big brass handle of which is the spit and image of yours truly. There's a picture of it somewhere amongst my photos.

Personality Deficit Disorder (PDD): The biped’s tragic disability. I am his service dog.

PINHEAD: Pups In Need, Having Each Almost Died. DexCorp's own dog (and bitch!) rescue program. PINHEAD strives to ace out ACES.

Saint Dexeter: The founding father of Frisbetarianism and patron saint of used cars. I am his direct descendant. He frequently sends me revelatory dreams. Which you would do well not to mock, Littermates.

Spiny Norma(n): My first great love. Even now, I can’t think of her without getting a lump in my throat (and a crick in my back).

Spreckels, Beautiful Downtown: Where I live. Beautiful Downtown Spreckels is about a quarter mile on a side, houses five or six hundred bipeds, and is surrounded by the lush lettuce fields of the Salinas Valley, the e. coli capitol of the United States.

Spreckels, Greater Metropolitan: Usually, Monterey, Santa Cruz, and San Benito Counties. Sometimes includes more or less all of California.

Timmy, Agent: DETH’s deep-cover mole within PETA. Timmy is rumored to have fallen down a well. In any case, we have not heard from him in over a year, and he has been declared missing in action. If your well water tastes funny, please let us know.

Treat-Pocket Lady: A very nice middle-aged lady who walks her very nice middle-aged yellow lab Peaches at Garland Park very early in the morning. She carries dog treats in one of the pockets of her long jacket.

 
 

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