Big Brass Ones

It is with a heavy heart, Littermates…

March 22nd 2006 1:02 pm
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… that I must report to you the exceedingly premature termination of the Mars charter bus mission. Despite our best efforts to ensure its safety—I personally duct taped all the windows shut—the mission came to an abrupt end today at Cholame, on California Highway 46, some miles east, not of Eden, but of Paso Robles.

Immediately after leaving a nearby café where the group had stopped for lunch, the bus driver, an agoraphobic pink dachshund named Bubba “Frankie the Rose” Turnipseed, apparently began to channel James Dean. Rather than permit the almost certain destruction of the vehicle and all paws in the fiery head-on collision that he envisioned/remembered, Bubba/Frankie put the bus as gently as his little paws would allow him into a roadside ditch.

Happily, there were no fatalities this time, or even significant physical injuries, though many dogs were seriously traumatized by the episode, with some even barking in tongues. The bus, meanwhile, is a total write-off. Bubba/Frankie has been taken into custody, and it is considered well-nigh certain that he will be stripped of his Class-2 chauffeur’s license. A defense fund is contemplated.

DETH is scrambling to organize transport for those passengers unable to make their own arrangements. It may take some time, though, so we’ve prevailed upon FEMA to ship in 1500 motor homes from Arkansas as a stop-gap measure (over the objections of local authorities, I might ad, who fear that the presence of that many mobile homes in central California must inevitably lead to a rash of tornadoes).

As for further developments, Littermates… you’ll know when I know.

 
 

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