PRESS RELEASE

Just wanted you all to know, in case you can't tell, my page has been revised by my new publicist. I don't like having my picture taken, so all those photo shoots really got on my nerves. Then, all the meetings about stupid stuff like, should my hair be brushed, should it not be brushed, should my mouth be open, should it be closed, on and on and on. And all the lighting issues. Anyway, here's my new page with a new song for you to hear while you look at my head shots.

I someday hope to get back to writing song lyrics, but my publicity tours keep me busy, and when I'm not on tour, I'm autographing pictures and blogging and twittering and all that.

Actually, all that's a bunch of hooey. It's just plain old me, Kenny, and I have some new stuff on my page. Hope you like it. Also, just want to say hey to all my pals. I like all you guys and girlie-dogs.

Gee Whiz

Okay, first of all, I'm really sorry I haven't written any lyrics lately. I've lost my groove, but I have a good reason.

Second, I lost my groove because I've been busy in my new yard. Since we moved to North Carolina, I've got my own yard with bunches of trees and bushes and stuff to pee on. I stay busy peeing on stuff. I think every dog in the neighborhood pees in my yard at night, then I have to go around and re-pee on stuff to make sure they know that THIS IS KENNY'S 'HOOD. It's a never-ending battle.

About North Carolina... I really like it here. It's cooler (in temperature) than where we lived before. There are all kinds of spiders in our yard, and I try to pee on each and every one. We have two porches, which I've never had before, so I get to watch cars and people and stuff going by.

That's all I have time for now. I'm sorry I'm not keeping my page updated, but I've just got a lot going on right now. I'll try to write more later.

Licks,
Kenny

Good Grief, I've Moved Again!

I don't have much time, but I just want to let everybody know I'm now a North Carolina dog. We moved because of my dad's job. I really like North Carolina. Now I have my own yard to potty in. I think I'm the smallest dog in the neighborhood, but that doesn't mean anything. I still have a big heart full of love. Mom will write more when she gets finished unpacking boxes.

My Man Medal and Collar of Canine Machismo

Okay, here's the thing... Last time my mom and dad were in Knoxville, my harness broke, so they went to the pet store and bought what some people would call a plain old dog collar. And on it hangs what some people would call a plain old dog tag. I want you all to get the the terminology straight. I would NEVER wear a plain old collar and would NEVER wear a plain old dog tag. Please... The macho looking blue item of apparel around my neck is my COLLAR OF CANINE MACHISMO. The shiny round metal thing hanging from it is my MAN MEDAL. I've been blessed with a chest covered in blond fluffy hair, and the blue COLLAR OF CANINE MACHISMO and golden MAN MEDAL set off the golden tones of my chest hair. Also, on my MAN MEDAL is my name and telephone number. That's so that if any girl dogs think I'm cute and want to call me but are too shy to ask for my number, the information's right there for the taking.

Squeaky Toy

This is my latest song. My mom says it's sung to the tune of "Danny Boy," more or less. Whatever. Sing it loud with feelin'.

Oh squeaky toy, the cheese, the cheese is falling
From Daddy's plate onto the kitchen floor.
The cheese can't wait, I can hear it calling.
So, for now I'll leave you here by the back door.
But I'll be back, with cheese inside my belly,
After I've peed and licked my parts, you know.
And I'll be back to pull out all your stuffing.
Oh squeaky toy, oh squeaky toy, I love you so.

Just wait and see, when this sunny day is ending
And I am bored, and bored as I well may be.
I'll find the place where I left your fuzzy carcass
And chew your fuzzy eyes so you can't see.

And I shall hear the squeaking from your innards.
And I'll pull out that round and squeaky thing.
I'll bite and chew it until it's silent.
Oh squeaky toy, oh squeaky toy, no more you'll be.

Ferret Full of Fear

I have a new song. My mom says it's sung to the tune of the theme song from Gilligan's Island (more or less). Whatever. Where does she come up with this stuff? Anyway, thanks for the comments some of you have sent about my songs. I'd also like to thank my mom for typing them for me. Here goes...

When I turn around, I see a tail;
I think it's part of me.
Looks like my hair poking up back there,
Close to where I pee.

The tail's a blond and fluffy thing,
And sticks up from my rear.
When I spin around it runs away,
Like a ferret full of fear...
A ferret full of fear...

When I get wet, it gets wet, too.
When I sit, it goes away.
If not for the fact that it smells like me,
I'd chew through it today...
I'd chew through it today...

The tail is mine, I do believe;
It matches all my parts.
My belly hair...
My whiskers, too...
My right front paw...
And my left...
Both my rear legs...
My floppy ear and fuzzy rear,
And the hairs that top my head.

So this is the tale of the fuzzy thing
Attached to my behind.
It's my special built-in toy
That's never hard to find.

No treats, no bones, no stupid kongs,
Not a single fuzzy toy.
I'll play with what God gave to me.
My tail's my favorite toy.

So everyday I chase my tail;
It always runs from me.
My favorite toy is right back there,
Close to where I pee.

New Song about West Wing

You all know how I feel about the demise of West Wing. It kept me entertained during the day and educated me about the ways of people. So, I wrote another song. It's sort of goes to the tune of "I Walk the Line" by Johnny Cash, so says my mom. Whatever.

Take a Hint

I wish my TV showed West Wing everyday.
I watch the screen and hope today's the day.
I miss Toby, C.J., Josh and the President.
I hope that Bravo can take a hint.

I'd watch at noon and I'd watch again at night.
When I was alone, West Wing kept me feeling right.
If Jeb Bartlet met me, he would pat my head.
He'd say, "Hey, Kenny." I'd say, "Hey, Jeb."

I find it very, very easy to be ticked.
I'll watch some Raymond, then some Friends, and then I quit.
When there was West Wing, I could watch that show all day.
I knew all the lines, everything they'd say.

I'm just a puppy with a very high I.Q.
I get in trouble if there's not enough to do.
When there was West Wing I was always such a gent.
I hope that Bravo can take a hint.

WEST WING

I'VE TRIED TO AVOID BEING IRRITABLE AND CRITICAL, BUT IT REALLY TICKS ME OFF THAT THE WEST WING IS ONLY ON A COUPLE OF TIMES A WEEK NOW. THE MONDAY MARATHONS ARE HISTORY. THE SHOW ITSELF IS HISTORY. NOW, I ONLY GET TO SEE MAYBE TWO SHOWS A WEEK. IT WAS MY FAVORITE SHOW ON TV. I HAVEN'T FOUND ANOTHER SHOW AS GOOD AS WEST WING, AND I'M CRANKY. I JUST WANTED YOU ALL TO KNOW THAT. I'M REALLY CRANKY ABOUT THE WHOLE THING. I THINK THAT IF THE TV PEOPLE REALLY CARED ABOUT DOGS, THEY WOULD HAVE A WEST WING CHANNEL THAT JUST RUNS WEST WING ALL THE TIME, SO THAT THOSE OF US WHO ARE CRATED DURING THE DAY HAVE QUALITY TV TO LISTEN TO. PRESIDENT BARLET WAS A KIND VOICE THAT SOOTHED ME WHEN MY PARENTS WEREN'T HOME. AND WHEN MY PARENTS WERE HOME, WE'D ALL GATHER 'ROUND THE TV AND WATCH WEST WING AT 7:00 EVERY NIGHT. SORT OF LIKE THE WALTONS GATHERING 'ROUND THE RADIO AFTER SUPPER EVERY NIGHT. IT'S A WAY OF LIFE GONE BYE-BYE. THANKS FOR LISTENING. IN CASE YOU'RE WONDERING, MY FAVORITE PRESIDENT BARTLET QUOTE IS, "A TRIP TO BANANA REPUBLIC WOULD HAVE KILLED YOU..." (HE WAS FUSSING AT CHARLIE FOR, WELL, NEVER MIND. I'LL JUST GET UPSET AGAIN.)

The Moving Man and the Bug Man

I've had my fill of outsiders this week. I had to go to the doctor this week because my skin was itchy, and now I have to take pills. Then, yesterday, the Moving Man came over but he didn't move anything. Mom said he was giving us an estimate. I don't know what that means. While the Moving Man was here, the Bug Man came. He walked around squirting stuff in corners. He never brings any bugs, so what good is he? I don't get it. The Moving Man didn't move anything, and the Bug Man didn't bring us any bugs, so what's the point? I don't understand. Now I have to take these stupid pills and I know Mom's hiding them in my cheesy snacks. Then yesterday Mom got out that big noisy machine that sucks stuff out of the carpet. And today it stormed, and it's storming again. And my medicine gives me the poopies and makes me pee lots extra. And my dad's living in Virginia during the week. And my mom's going to be out of work in a few weeks and we don't have a new place to live and I don't know how much more I can take. And there aren't as many West Wing reruns as there used to be, and it hasn't been the same since Leo went away. But my dad's supposed to be home tonight and he'll make us all feel better.

Moving to Virginia

We're moving to Virginia because my dad got a new job. I don't know anything about Virginia except my dad starts his new job Monday and only gets to come home on weekends. (One good thing, I get his half of the bed and whatever else I can steal from Mom). I've been a Tennessee dog all my life. I'm worried. Will the other dogs make fun of my accent?