The Biggest Heart

On Christmas Eve, Dawson had a seizure like episode that left him gasping for breath and scared. I thought that losing this boy would be the absolute worst Christmas present ever, but thankfully Holly intervened and told my boy he needed to remain until I was ready to let him go. After a few terror filled hours he began resting peacefully. Unfortunately, he developed a rather persistent cough that necessitated a trip to the vet. There was a rather noxious strain of kennel cough in the area, and although he had been vaccinated the vet thought that he had still contracted the disease as we had been to a play date at a local pet store. We traipsed home with medicine and were pleased that the cough seemed to improve. Unfortunately, about a week later, Dawson started to ignore the small things, like dinner, and breakfast.

His breathing was still labored, and I became suspicious when neither Ginger nor Buddy showed any signs of contracting the horrible strain of kennel cough although both had been around Dawson when he would have been infectious. Yesterday, once again we visited the vet and had x-rays taken. His body cavity is filled with fluid, which is pressing down on his lungs making it difficult for him to breathe. His left lung shows signs of hardening, which may indicate that cancer has taken a hold of his body. The vet was concerned when my response was merely to say that I would come by to take him home.

It took me a while to understand that the Vet was afraid that I was one of those parents who would be unable to face the needful task of ending his suffering. Once that thought had penetrated my grief, I was able to let her know that I was merely taking him home so that I could let him know how much he had meant to me and how much I would miss him.

I have one more day left with the boy whose heart is as big as the sky, who is so gentle that toddlers can pet him without fear of being pushed over, and whose patience allowed a small red poodle puppy to try and tug him by the tail across the lawn. He has dined on salmon and beer, and right now is resting quietly at my feet. Tomorrow he will be abl to chase the mule deer with abandon, hunt rabbits to his hearts content, and soothe all the ruffled souls who have had to deal with the Hollidog.. I love you with all my heart, my precious boy. I will miss your soft fur, your liquid eyes, and your boundless love for all.

"May you see with the eyes of light in the everdark, may your mind walk free and unfettered amongst all, touching wisely and well, may you go in peace. But wait for me beloved."

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