What's Shakin', Bacon?

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It's Raining, It's Pouring...My Papa are Snoring!

March 22nd 2011 9:20 am
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Dear Diary!

OMD! The Sky are falling! The Sky are falling! Splish! Splash! Splish! Splash! Rainy drops of Happy Time Fun are falling from the sky! Wooohoooooooo! Bacon runs really fast, but they still getted me! WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Bacon's whole big yard full of snowcones are melting! No more eating my most favoritest icy snow until I hurls!!! BOOOOOO!

HOWEVFUR!!!!! The othfur day Bacon made most wonderfurl discovfurry in the backyard of joy and fun times!There are a whole wide secret world underneath our decks.

It is a magical land of muds and varminty smells!! OMD! I wuffed it! And then after I emergered from frolickle-ling with the little gnomey guys and trolls and bunny rabbits that live underneath the deck, I pretended like I were the Creature from the Black LAGOOOOOOOON, on account of Bacon were covfurred in muds, glorious muds!

"RAWR!" Bacon roar, as I flingered the muds evfurrywhere! "Rawr!" And big black muddy paw paws were all ovfur the deck!

Then Mama snatchered me up and we went in the MAGICAL WATERFALL Closet of GOOD PEEPOLE SMELLS where the water fairies dances and Mama got in there and scrubbed all the Black Lagoon Monster Mud away. And Bacon were tap-dancing, splash, splash, splash, and more dancing and Bakey heinie-shaking, and "SINGING IN THE RAIN! BACON'S SINGING IN THE RAIN!!!"

And I got a NEW TOY!!! A GRUNTY PIG! He goes "Grunt, Grunt, SNORT, Grunt, SNORT! GRUNT! GRUNT!" OMD! He's Heelarryuss! Bacon love Grunty Pig. OMD!

Ooooh, oooh, ooooh!!! SQUIRREL!!!!! (zooooooooooom)

 

A Horrorbull Case of Mistaken Identity

March 6th 2011 2:22 pm
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Dear Diary,

Bacon is such a good boy! At 4:thirties in the A.Eminems, Mama was awakened by the sounds of the Urka Gurkas.

Beanie, who are on Mama like a stink on a stink pie, 24/7, was nowhere to be found.

Beanie sleeps by Mama's head and Bacon sleeps by Mama's feetses.

But I were trying to tell Mama something. I were giving her all kinds of hints. I were sitting on her head. I were digging at her face. I were curling up around her neck. She were telling me to go back to sleep. Until she moofed her footsie. And she felt a big HOOOMUNGUS lake soaking through the blankies by her feets.

"Bacon!" she yelled, "WHAT DID YOU DO??? OMD!! I thought we were past this stuff, NAUGHTY BOY!!"

"WHAT??" Bakey said, in my most hurtest voice, as she stripped all the blankies and sheetses off the bed. "You're supposed to wake me up BEFORE you have to go potty, NAUGHTY BOY! You went outside at ELEFUN P.Eminem, for Pete's sake!"

Then she said, "OUTSIDE!" and me & Beanie Weens (who suddenly appeared) went outside.

Beanie started barking and Mama lost it! "Ezra come help me with these MONSTERS!!"

She get Beanie in the house. Beanie were slinking around like a drowneded rat. Mama said, "You dogs are driving me NUTZO." Then she grab a clean blanket and get in her beddy bye. I were very sad. Why she call Bacon a bad boy?

Bacon DIDN'T DO NOTHING!

That's when Beanie jumped up on the bed and cuddled up to Mama. OMD, she thoughted, he are full of snow, what the woof?? She turn on lights and Beanie's whole belly and head are covfurred in URKA GURKA chunks. OMD! THE YELLING. Papa went and checked the blankies. Beanie had frowed up all OVFUR THE BED and then made night nights in it!

Mama just assumed it were tinkles from the Bacon.

I tried to tell Mama that I couldn't sleep in my speshull Bacon spot, on account of Beanie urka gurkaed in it. OMD. Did Mama evfur feel guiltease!!! But that are okay, Mama. Bacon furgives you.

Then Beanie got second bathtimes in 24 hours or minutes or days or something! And Papa took a scissors and had to cut urka gurka chunks out. EWWWWWWWW!!! Mama said. It were GRODIE!

And then Bacon went night night. I were very tired. It are exhaustering being a PERFECT ANGEL!

 

Fishy Eggie Weggs for Breakfast

February 27th 2011 9:06 am
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Oh Boy! Daddy is making speshull eggs just for Bacon this morning with fish oil juices for to make my skin and hairs even more beeeyooooooteeus and healthy! Dogtor Peppercorn says fishy oils are good for Bacon's ALLERMAGEEZEZ!

Bacon does not like it on my kibbles. Mama says this are an Ancient Fambly Tradishun passed down from Ernie George days of Sunny Day Breakfasts Eggs.

Wooohooooo! Mama says knowing the Bacon's constahtoootshuns, we are all going to put on our gas masks to prepare for the eggie wegg fallout! BOL!

That Mama! So funny! BOL!

 

Bacon are a Big Boy Now!!!!

February 6th 2011 9:58 am
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Dear Diary!

OMD! OMD! OMD! OMDDDDDDDDDDDD!!!

Guess what yesfurday were? Guess! Guess! Guess!

Okay, you nevfur guess! Bacon tell to you!!!!

OMDDDDDD!!!

Yesfurday were day when Papa takeded the Bacon baby puppy pen and cratey prison and he dismantlered it and he put it away because BACON BEESUN ARE A BIG BOY NOW!!!!

WOOOOHOOOOOOEY! YabbadabbaDOOOOOOOEY! And HONG KONG PHOOOEY!!!!

Mama came home from the hairytimes appointerment and the BACON JAIL was gone!

Mama says she don't knowed about this! But Papa are under the impreshunns that the reesun Bacon won't come in the house are beecause I doesn't wanna go in the jail.

Mama says it are cause I just like it in the outsides with the snow!!! It are good thing Mama & Papa don't have no hoooman kidlets cause they gots VERY DIFFURRENT idears bout the childy-kid rearering. BOL! BOL! BOL!

Oh, and yesfurday we have early Valentimer's on account of Mama are going to have some West Minestrone Doggie Snow in New YORK SITTY!!! She are going with Lucy & Daisy & Flannigan & Derringer & Ellie & Gus' Mamas! Bacon are gotta stay home cause I are a big boy and babysit Papa, Beanie, Izzy and the GIGANTICKULL BUNNY RABBIT who live in our backyard and eat our birdie seeds.

We gotted lotsa new toyses for Valentimer's, which were good, on account of all the stufferings acksidenterly falled out of ours othfur ones.! Guess what my new toy says!!! Guess! Guess! Guess!!!

It say...SQUEAKKKKKKK!!!! SQUEAK!!!! SQUEAK! Oh Bacon lovea Squeak!!!

Happy Sunnyday!

Wuff, Big Boy Bacon

 

Important Stuff That Bacon Do-ed in the Past Sevfurral- Dayses

February 2nd 2011 8:43 am
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Dear Diary,

Mama tell me, the Bacon, that if I does not write down important stuff I does now, when I are in the primes of puppyhood, I will not remember when I are old.

Bacon DOES LOTS OF IMPORTANT STUFF. I does NOT want to furget.

So I write it down here in diary of important stuff I do. So Bacon thinked and I thinked and here are MOST important stuff I do-ed:

OMD! Bacon chew my bully stickses from the Chucks & the Don's Petfoodz Wherehouse, on Fryday, Satterday, Sunnyday, Moneyday, Twosday and TODAY!!! Wendy's Day!!!!

Yep. Bacons chews them bully sticks.

Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom. Chew. Chew. Chew.

Mama getted me Bacon sooper dooper extra GINORMOUS bully stickses for SOOPER DOOPER CHEWER, BACON! Mama calls the bully sticks her "built-in Baconsitter." BOL! Bully stick does not sit on the Bacon, silly Mama! BOL!

Anyfur, Mama let me chew, chew, chew on the two feetses long sooper bully stickses. Then Mama take it away, and say, "Okay, Bakey Sue, that are enuff for you." Yep. Mama still insistes on call me Bakey Sue, evfun though that are a girly name. Oh Brofur!

When I are not chewing on my bully stick cause Mama take it away and put up high...Bacon know ZACTLY where it are at all times. Sometimes Bacon try to moof the bully stick with my sooper power mindy tricks. Bacon stare and stare and stare and stare for like elebenty millyun yearses, until my head are gonna splode, and then I has to do elebenty sevfun zoomie laps around the WHOLE WIDE HOUSE to cool off.

Then I get kinda nerfuss, cause I worry that maybe a bad guy come into my house and steal my bully stick. So Bacon run ovfur and I seed it up there on the dresser, or the taybull, and Bacon's heart are so happy that I bark, "HI BULLY STICK!!! HI! BACON SEES YOU!!! Bacon sees you!!! I LOVE YOU BULLY STICK! I LOVE YOU! I see you soon." Then I wave bye-bye and I run like crazy!!!

Then after that, Bacon go get pink squeaky ellyfunt, and we make the squeaky-time fun!!!! Bacon toss little ellyfunt up in the air and he says "WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" and we laffs and laffs until Bacon roll on the floor.

And that are all the writing times Bacon can do this Wendy's Day, on account of I has more important stuffs to do, because more toys are lonely for Bacon, and I has to play with them, and then make visits to my Bully Stick!!! And then make zoomies, and play in the snow, and then wrestle with my brofur.

Happy Wendy's Day, evfurryfur! Bacon wuff you.

 

Mama is NOT ALLERGIC to My Brofur

January 28th 2011 9:30 am
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Dear Diary!!

OMD! Guess what!!!

Mama went to the Dogtor yesfurday and guess what the dogtor say to Mama!

She is NOT ALLERGICK to my new Brofur Beanie! She is ALLERGICK TO DINOSAURUSES!!!

Yep! I knowed! Bacon were surprized, too!

The dogtor say Mama has the Velociraptor (that's a fancy word for dinosaur) Rhino-saurus-itis.

Hooman dogtors sound like lots better than Dr. Peppercorn who does the torturing to Bacon. My Mama is so cool! Bacon wuffs DINOSAURS!!!

RAWR!

Mama's Peepole Dogtor told her that Bacon and Beanie should not make sleeps with her anymore, but guess where we sleeped last night anyway!!!???!!! BOL! BOL! BOL!

Mama wuffs Bacon & Beanie!

 

No Intermanabull Monologs for Me, No Sirree!

January 26th 2011 8:13 am
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Dear Diary,

OMD! Bacon are been soooooo busy!

Mama says I am not really a deep thinker/reflektorer kind of a dog.

Bacon are a DO-ER!!!

I are mooving and shaking non-stops. She says Bacon do more in 5 minutes than most dogs do in a lifetimes!

Bacon like to pack in a whole lotta living.

That are why Mama have hard time dockoomentoring my life in my Dogster Diary. She say there are not a whole lotta inteereeurrr monologues going on in the Bacon's head. She say, Bacon you gotta face for moofies, and a brain, for, well, I'm sure it would be usfurl for something! BOL! Bacon don't know what that mean Mama, but it sure are funny!

I wears my heartses and my emoshuns on my sleefs!!! BOL! BOL! SLEEFS!! I'm not wearing any sleefs! BAKEY ARE NAKEY!!! BOL! BOL!

Anyfur, I hope all my furriends are just hunky doody! I am doing zoomies, and playing with my squeaky beaver, and chewing up the woodwork, and doing more zoomies, and wrassling with Beanie, and barking at Izzy, and running more laps around the sofa, and then playing with Hula Hannah, and then...(oh Mama gotta go do some works now, okay Mama...)

Wuff you furriends! Happy Wendy'sday!

 

Free, But Separate, Not Equal

January 12th 2011 6:46 am
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Dear Diary,

Last night I did not have to sleep in my pen.

YAYYYYYYYYY!

But at 10:30 Papa picked me up from my cozy spot on the Mama KING Bed of luxury and happy times, and he carried me, Mama's PRECIOUS BACON DOUBLE CHEESE, out of the "most wonderfur place on earth" night-night room, and SHUT THE DOOR BEHIND US.

Beanie got to stay! Last I saw him, he were sleeping all curled up and roasty-toasty on a pillow by Mama's head.

Papa took my collar off so I could not jangle like Jacob Marley's Ghost outside Mama's door. Bacon do not bark like Beanie. I has my dignatease. I suffer in the silence.

Papa thought he were doing me a big favor by letting me stay out with him and Izzy and party with the teebee on all night on the couch.

BUT THAT ARE THEM'S THING!!! Bacon are MAMA'S BOY! Mama's Boy has to SLEEP WITH MAMA! Not with Papa & Izzy! Not in a Puppy PEN!!

I suffered horrorbully all night. I refoosed to sleep on the GIANT SQUOOSHY SECSHUNALL with Papa & Izzy. Instead I sleeped right outside Mama's door. I kept my nose pressed right against the crack, so I could smell Mama's feetses, and watch for moofments.

Furst thing this morning I heard her say, "Morning Beanie Weenie" and I let out the saddest "ARROOOOOOROOOROOO" she evfur heard. Her Heart Broke Right IN THE TWO. She opened the door and she seened her precious boy lying there on the floor, and her heart just breaked right out and fell on the floor and she died.

Then Papa got yelled at for breaking my heart and Mama's.

"Bacon are better off in a pen, than shut out in the cold like an outcast." Mama yelled at Papa!

SIGH.... how will things evfur be the same? How will I mended my broken heart?

OMD!! Daddy are throwing my Hula Hannah for me!!! ZOOM, ZOOM, ZOOM! Squeak! Squeak! Squeak! Gotta run!!! Zoom! Zoom! Zoom! "HULA HANNAH!!! Bakey's Favorite!!!"

 

Forget the Hippiepottymusses!!! Bacon got a Baby Beanie Pup- for Christmas!!! Wooohoooo!

December 23rd 2010 8:13 am
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Dear Diary,

Zoomie, zoomie, zoomie, zoomie, zoooooomie, zoomie, zoomie, zoomie, zoom, zoom, zooom, zoooooooooooooooooom

Santa bringeded me a little doggie all of my own!!!!

OMD! I wuff him! I hug him. I kiss him. I bite him. I wrestle with him. I wait until he moofs and then I COWABUNGA DIVEBOMBS HIM!!!

When I get tired, and rest for a nanosecond, I rests my head on his back, then bounce back and I GET HIM SOME MORE!!!!

My new doggie's name are Beanie, and he's the bestest Brofur present I evfur haveded. Ackfurally, he are the ONLY Brofur present I evfur haveded, but Bacon knowed that he is the best, because Santa brought him just for me!!!!

Only one sads, Mama and Papa don't want me to break him, so they scoop me up and give me LOTS OF time-outs. And I can't play with him ALLLLLLL DAY LONG while Mama are making working times! I has to stay in the JAIL, while my Beanie are on the loose with Izzy B. Ohhhhhh it painses me.

This is the most wonderfur Christmas evfur!!!!

Did I tell you HOW HAPPY I AM? DID I TELL YOU HOW MUCH BACON LOVESES THE LIFE? Mama says Bacon is the most happiest and most obnoxious dog in the whole wide oonaverse. Oh I just love my Mama. She is so proud of me! She tells everybody she knows how I am the most obnoxious monster evfur! Mama!!! (blushie, blushie) stop bragging. BOL.

I hope all the pups in all the worlds are having the most wonderfurlest howlidays seasoning! Merry Christmas, and Pieces of Love (typist note: he means peace & love) Bacon "The Luckiest, Most Loved & Obnoxious Dog in all the World" Bisson

 

Bacon Has a MANPURSE!!!

December 15th 2010 9:02 am
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Dear Diary,

When I live in the Nebrasskahs, I were a NUDIE!!! Bacon runned around BUCK NAKED! NAKED as a JAYBIRD(those are naked birds,evfurdentally!) I were a carefree, letting-it-all-hang-out kinda pupper!

Here in the Minnesnowdah, we has LOTS OF SNOW! Snow! Snow! Snow!

Bakey loves snow. It's my favorite! We gots feetses and feetses of snow. Lots of feetses of snow. It just snows and snows and snows some more. OMD!

Papa rides his big bad snowmobeeler round in the backyard of Bacon's Magickal Winter Wondersland of Merryment & Jewbullayshun! He makes nice paths for me. But I do not use them. I LIKE SNOW! Deep, deep snow. Because snow is yummy. And it tastes good. Gooder than anything.

Furst thing I do when I go outside is get me a snack. I just stick my head in the snowbank and pull out a snowpop! And last thing before I has to go inside, I gather up as many SNOW McNUGGETS as I pawsibly can in my legs and belly fur. Then I have snacks for when I go inside. I can jump right up on the sofa and eat my snowy balls of yum before they melt.

The BAD THING ABOUT THE SNOWY TIMES IS THE COLD! OMD! It are 20 degrees below the zero with the windy chill. Bacon don't has lotsa furs. And my tootsies are extra sensitive.

So Mama buy me sweaters, and bootsies, and a shiny puffy parka, and a nice lady who are ironamacully named Snow are sending me a snowmobeeler suit. When my feet gets too cold I just lay down cause I do not want to walk on them. Mama says, I will become a frozen solid Baconcicle if I continue to do this and then she will cry. So I has to wear bootsies.

Anyfur, now Bacon can NOT be a NUDIE anymore! Howevfur, I would like to say thank you to Mr. Zaidiecakeses of the Canadia. He sended to me a very nice squeakie pink manpurse with flowerses on it. It goed real nice with my parka and bootsies! (I think he make mistake and say purse are for Izzy B., but that are okay, because Bacon knowed what he meaned!)

I hope you all is enjoying the wintery time fun as much as The Bacon!

Smoochie, smooochie! HOHO is coming soon! Wuff you!

 
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