La Dog-ce Vita

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I am the walrus, koo koo, kachew

October 22nd 2006 7:02 pm
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I now weigh a full 100 pounds more than what mom told dad I would weigh when fully grown - 131 pounds. oh the irony - I'M MASSIVE. It all started with our biannual allergy-related visit to Dr. Maxwell - I'd been spending far too much of my free time licking my itchy right paw - so much, in fact, that I'd opened up a raw, infected spot on my toe. So off to the vet we went - i knew there was trouble when, after my initial weigh-in, Lea, the nice vet helper lady, went back to get Bonnie, other nice vet helper lady, and they both stood behind the counter pointing at me. Mom didn't believe them when they told her my weight and made me get on the scale again. Needless to say, after a week's worth of horse-sized antibiotics, allergy pills and a bottle of Genesis topical spray, my toe is looking great and i'm on a diet. Yoshimi, Kiddo and I have been busy pouring over our copy of the Household Rules and By-laws, paying special attention to section #43, paragraph 6, which states, "... any co-signee whose weight and/or IQ is within 10 pounds or 10 points of the weight and/or IQ of the lighter (physically and intellectually) of the parties previously named as the mom or the dad (the basis for which of the two shall be used as the standard for comparison being the one who, at the time of judgement, has overindulged less in PBR and cheesy goldfish crackers and more in Project Runway), shall be required to obtain part-time employment and contribute no less than 40% of the wages earned to the GNP of the household ..." Yoshimi says not to worry - she surpassed the IQ requirement long ago and nobody made her get a job. I'm hungry.

 

r.e.m.

September 12th 2006 7:01 am
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ooooohhhh my, it's been a long time since i've written...so much has happened, job changes, vacations, new friends, a bat in the house (yikes! ed.) and yet, all of this pales in comparison to our newest furniture acquisition...a KING sized bed! Finally, enough room for not only kiddo and me but mom AND dad as well, how novel! Even yoshimi can fit should she decide to descend from her LAZ-E-CAT. watching dad and his buddy get the mattress in the house was almost as good as sleeping on it for the first time. our house is old and apparently dogs were smaller in the thirties, so they didn't build staircases big enough to accommodate king sized beds. dad had to lean out over the balcony and pull the mattress up while rick pushed from the ground. yoshimi had already dialed the 9 and a 1 on the phone and was poised to dial the other 1 should the need arise. kiddo and i helped by barking. after a few tense moments and many, many naughty words, our bed was in place. mom came home from work and immediately began to put the new sheets on. kiddo and i helped by standing on the bed and barking while she tried to make it. then, finally exhausted from a long afternoon of helping, the kid and i collapsed and slept well beyond our normal wakeup time of 5 a.m. the next morning.

 

Bandwagonesque

May 22nd 2006 6:13 pm
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i want to thank all the doggies who posted on the doggie nutrition forums for finally getting my mom to buy us good food. it all started when she was making our dinner a few weeks ago and saw a stray nugget of Beneful languishing in a puddle of water, leaking red dye onto the counter. funny, she thought, that can't be good for my babies, the lights of my life, my raison de rising at 5 in the morning. naturally the first place she went for information is dogster and now we get Canidae. no more eye boogers in the morning and our poops are to die for: firm and far between. Even though our wonderful vet said Beneful was just fine, mom has been converted into a rabid ingredient label reader: Huzzah for Chicken Meal, Turkey Meal, Herring Meal, Brown Rice and Flax Seed; be gone from our lives Ground Yellow Corn and Chicken by-product meal! Canidae biscuits even smell good to the humans - dad thinks maybe he and mom should eat this stuff too. I'll have to keep my eye on the treat jar - GET YOUR OWN COOKIE, BIPED!

 

Sodbuster

April 2nd 2006 7:32 am
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yesterday we participated in the 2nd Annual Re-laying of the Sod in the Backyard Ceremony - a happy event, full of pomp and ritual...rife with mud and blisters and stern admonitions regarding the seductive evils of digging. mom and dad started at eight in the morning in the barren, hole-pocked wasteland that was the backyard and by ten transformed it yet again into a lovely green parkland - which kiddo and i promptly christened, thereby completing the lawn's cycle of life and death and life again. then began the lesser Festival of the Showers, in which i, due to religious differences, chose not to participate. this was kiddo's first festival and she made the most of the celebration - performing brilliantly in the time-honored Tub Escape and dad's favorite Sacrament of the Chasing of the Soaking Wet Dog Around the House Clad Only in Boxer Shorts. needless to say, we were all exhausted by the end of the day. i can't wait until next year!

 

Going Postal

February 18th 2006 7:31 am
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i know it's a cliche, but i don't like the mailman. dad had to put up a board in the window in my office because it looks out onto the front porch where the mailslot is. he was afraid one day i would go through the window when the mail was being delivered. up until yesterday, mom wasn't sure if i had issues with the federal government in general and this was the nearest representative with whom i could register my displeasure or if i just don't like our mailman on a personal level. all was made clear on our walk yesterday when we came upon the aforementioned letter carrier on his appointed rounds - mom told dad she must have looked like Charlie Brown fielding a scorcher at the mound because when i saw the mailman i pulled so hard on the leash that i jerked her clean out of both shoes and one glove. she let go of kiddo but managed to hold on to me as i spewed a venomous stream of vitriol at the wise guy, who just stood there in his stupid hat with a little light attached to it, laughing at our predicament. after a few minutes of this, he moved on and mom managed to get kiddo and me back under control. she re-shoed and gloved herself and we went on our way, both of us muttering under our breath while kiddo pranced along, blissfully unencumbered by crabbiness of any sort whatsoever...

 

waking the dead...

February 11th 2006 6:00 am
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i'm no expert, but i honestly think mom should try to get more sleep - she's getting a wee bit forgetful. take this morning, for instance: as it was snowing and we were anxious to get out and play, kiddo and i got mom up a little bit earlier than usual, around fourish. as we were pushing her out the kitchen door to start our walk, mom patted her pocket as usual to make sure she had her keys and feeling something key-like, closed the door. about half a nanosecond after the lock clicked, mom realized that it was not keys she felt in her pocket but our cookies. "oh darn", she said, "it's four fifteen in the morning, twelve degrees and snowing and we're locked out girls. my what a pickle this is"* (*content edited to maintain PG rating). since we were out already, she figured we might as well go on our walk, this would give her time to figure out how she was going to wake dad up. when we got back, she realized the driver's side door to her car was open and as the bedroom window looks out over the driveway, maybe she could toot the horn once or twice and get him up without waking the whole neighborhood. wrong. she tooted once, then again and waited. no movement. she called out dad's name. nothing. toot toot toot - i thought this was a fun new noisy game so i started to bark along with the tooting. bark bark toot bark bark bark. we raised quite a ruckus, she and i, and pretty soon she saw the neighbor's lights come on. she stopped tooting and just went to the back door and starting banging. finally, dad came lurching down the stairs, completely bewildered and still half asleep. mom could see his shadow in the hall as he went to the front door, opened it, looked around for a while, then closed it and started to go back upstairs. needless to say the banging started again. dad finally figured out what was going on and opened the door. "don't ask" was all mom would say as we walked in. odd but i have this nagging feeling that somehow i am partially responsible for this little adventure...

 

takes a licking and keeps on ticking...and licking

February 5th 2006 1:24 pm
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mom never ceases to be amazed (and somewhat dismayed) at the accuracy of my timekeeping. every morning, promptly at 4:58 LMT (labrador meridian time), i arrive at her side of the bed; at 4:59, i commence scratching my collar vigorously, not because i have an itch, mind you, but for the gentle tinkling my tags make - i like to think this is a soothing, pleasant way to slowly bring mom out of her peaceful slumber; 4:59:30 - i call this the cold, wet nose to the cheek/sloppy kiss time - i often accompany this maneouver with a low, sing-songy moanish noise. 4:59:45 - close to go hour, this is the time i give myself a good, loud cleaning; 5:00 - the alarm clock's buzzer goes off but if mom should foolishly hit the snooze button, like on a saturday or a holiday, i execute a little move i like to call "the giant paw rake across the face" - somewhat crude, yes, but it does the trick every time...

 

Stubborn, thy name is Isobel...

January 27th 2006 2:10 pm
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for reasons i have decided to keep to myself, i now insist on taking a rawhide chewie with me when we go for walkies. this wouldn't be an issue if i could keep my travel accessory to myself but i can't - it's fun to taunt kiddo with it and make her chase me around mom - especially when we're trying to cross the street. or if i find something i want to really sniff - wait, what am i saying "if" - WHEN i find something i want to explore nasally, i'll set my chewie down and briefly forget about it. if mom doesn't pick the nasty, gooey thing up and put it in her pocket before we move on, we have to backtrack until we find it again. so as a result, before kiddo, mom and i go for a walk, i have to get patted down like a perp...so humiliating

 

Anniversary

January 22nd 2006 4:36 am
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tomorrow marks my first anniversary here - what a great time i've had this year!! - thanks Dogster!

 

T.M.I.

December 16th 2005 6:58 pm
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kiddo has really opened mom's eyes - before she came along, mom thought all dogs had to do the poopy dance before they did the doo doo. nope, not my sister - kiddo just goes - bam - no pirouettes, no plie, no chasse, not even a bow - just plain business - a straight shooter. not me - i like to express myself a la nureyev - it takes a good three or four minutes of swan lake before i'll finally give up the big finale. up until now, mom never complained, but lately she doesn't seem to enjoy waiting in the cold with a plastic bag on her hand, kiddo wrapping and unwrapping the leash around her legs while i perform my pas de poo. instead of the hearty bravas i used to get, these days it's all "WILL YOU JUST GO ALREADY?" phhhhffffflttt. philistine. I AM AN ARTIST.

 
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