Cleopatra's Classified Column

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The Great Kennel Makeover!

July 27th 2012 6:28 pm
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This morning, Mummy got one of her "bright ideas". My idea of a bright idea, of course, involves a walk. Not so for her ladyship. She decided to paint my kennel. Anyway, my kennel was brown and kinda boring. Mummy decided to paint it white. Very sloppily. Ma ain't the best painter on the planet. She kinda slapped the paint on. (She wasn't hooked up to a Bodka Dwip (can't find the TM at the moment, he must be on a tea break).

Anyway, thankfully Nana called to ask if we wanted to go for a drive up to the Burren. Which is apparently one of those UNESCO heritage places or sumfin. I got Mummy to take some photos. We had a great time! Then we came home and looked at the 'lympic ceremony. That's in England which is our nearest country. They used to be in charge of us once - GRRRRR! But when the 'lympic torch was on its way to London, they were very nice and passed it through Ireland. Not just the part that's part of the United Kingdom but they also sent it down to Dublin which the peoples here in Ireland really appreciated. Anyway the ceremony was fantastic! And Mummy and me watched it in Nana and Granddad's. And now we're home, and Mummy's tap-tap-tapping into that laptop thingy!

Anyway, when the kennel makeover is complete I'll post a photo! If herself ever gets off the computer that is...................


My Mummy, the sloppy wino!

July 26th 2012 1:49 pm
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Mummy had to go to the dentist today. Dentists are like vets 'cept they just look after human peoples' teeth and stuff. Anyway, I was over with Nana and Granddad and when she got back it was so funny! She looked like someone who got one of those buttocks injections I've seen on the telly, they make your lips look like you were stung by a buzzy bee or sumfin. And she was talking all weird - BOL!

Anyway, today was a lovely sunny day here across the 'lantic ocean in Ireland. So Mummy decided she'd sit outside and have a nice glass of wine. 'sept she was dribbling and drooling and slobbering all over the top she was wearing. She looked a bit loony toons. A sandwich short of a picnic. A spanner short of a toolkit. Not the full shilling. Away with the fairies.... (I'm sure my friends 'cross the 'lantic ocean have other non-Irish sayings to describe what I'm talking about, for some reason, we have a lot of sayings here to describe this particular affliction.....)

Cleo, what are you doing? Nothing Mummy! I'm just online getting some ideas for your birthday. But my birthday's not till September! Oh I know that Mummy, but I wanted to make sure I get you the perfect present this year. Oh Cleo, you are the sweetest little puppy in the whole world! It was such a lucky day I saw you in that pound and took you home! Yes, Mummy. Everyday I count my blessings that you rescued me from that awful place and took me to live in my wonderful forever home! (Better go before she gets too boisterous, you know what these mad drunks are like!) BOL!


Cranky Mummy and walks with Grandad!

July 21st 2012 5:48 pm
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Last night Mummy dropped me over to Nana and Grandad's. She was heading off early this morning with her friends. Where? I did not know. Anyway, as it happens Mummy went off down to Killarney which is a lovely place with really nice scenery and stuff. So she climbed a mountain with her 3 friends. Now she's a bit cranky cos she's stiff or somfin, ha ha!

Anyway, back to more important matters. Nana and Grandad took me for a long walk this morning. I asked cranky, stiff Mummy to upload a photo of me and Grandad for you to see. Don't I look pretty? And so good! Anyway afterwards I got tons of meatz and stuff. Then they brought me for a shorter walk in the evening. I didn't see Ben (sigh...). Then Mummy (eventually) arrived and collected me. And she's been hooked to the Wine Dwip ever since, which I'm waiting for Zaidie to patent. Now I'm watching her tap-tap-tapping into that computer thingy she has, and ignoring me again. Nufin new there.

No more news. Until tomorrow when I'm hoping something interesting will happen. Which probably won't happen cos Nana, Grandad and a very stiff Mummy will probably be watching the end of the British Open golf thing. Where that wild tiger is still roaming around and nobody is listening to my warnings 'bout dangerous animals and stuff.


Thank you Zaidie!

July 20th 2012 10:29 am
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Not braggin or nothin, but I'm enjoying a big juicy steak that Zaidie sent me. So I'm special. 'nough said.


Dangerous animals in our house!

July 20th 2012 10:08 am
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Mummy has been watching golf most of the day. The British Open is on at the moment. She's stuck to that sofa like a big fat sack of spuds. Anyway, I heard the telly people saying something disturbing earlier. There's a tiger somewhere on the course. I've seen tigers before on the telly and they're extremely dangerous animals. I kept looking and looking but I couldn't see a tiger anywhere, maybe he's hiding in some long grass and I just haven't spotted him yet.

Anyway, I kept barking at Mummy. Just to warn her about the tiger and to tell her to stay back from the telly in case he pounces or sumthin. Do you think she was grateful? Not a bit! I was told in no uncertain terms that if I can't stay quiet she'll put me out into the garden.

That's grateful for you.


Unrequited love and stinky blankies!

July 17th 2012 11:10 am
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There is a doggie called Ben who goes to the same park as me, and I wuvvvvv him! When we first met, we just ignored each other and fetched our own balls while our two mummies chattered and yapped. Ben and I would generally be busy fetching our balls, sniffing around, peeing, and ignoring each other.

Recently though, I’ve been chasing after Ben trying to play with him and stuff. And he still ignores me. Ben’s mummy throws his ball, he runs after it and I run after him. I even lost my own ball yesterday evening cos I was too busy following Ben, with his big floppy ears and his big slobbery tongue (sigh). Mummy and Ben’s mummy think this is “cute”. “Unrequited love” and all that. Yes, very “cute”, Mummy. How would you like it if you were running round the park after some man-human person while he ignored you? EH?

Then to add insult to injury Mummy decided to wash all my blankies. So next time I see Ben, I’ll have the indignity of smelling like “fresh cut flowers” or “fresh linen” or “summer meadow” or something equally stinky. How will Ben even look at me now? MY LIFE IS RUINED! Sniff!

To take my mind off my broken heart, Mummy brought me for a swim. I swam with the little ducksies in the lake and I didn’t try to bite them or nothin’.


Speeder nets and moths and stuff

July 17th 2012 2:59 am
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Mummy has a big long stick with big fluffy pink stuff at the end, she goes around sometimes taking away speeder nets with it. Speeders, she informs me, are little creatures with long legs that make nets to catch flies in. Personally, I think that's cheating. And where's the fun in that anyway? Much better to bark, I say. And besides, who gave those speeders authority to catch my flies?

Anyway, I was relaxing on my sofa last night when I saw a strange creature on the wall. Mummy said it was a moth. I barked and barked and barked and barked but the silly thing wouldn't move, not like the other buzzy flies who fly around when I bark. These moth creatures must be hard of hearing or something. Anyway, Mummy got her fluffy stick out and she got the moth creature to sit on the fluffy part and we both went out to the front door. The moth creature flew away and I made sure to bark lots of times to warn it not to come back to our house. Cos Mummy and I are a team. And we won't be defeated.


Was it a dream? Or is it really happening?

July 15th 2012 4:24 pm
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Mummy! I’ve just had the most terrible dream! I was snoozing on the sofa and I dreamt that the kitty cats had taken over the world! The pet store was FULL of pink fluffy kitty things and kitty treats and stuff. The doggie section was down in a dark corner and all they had was dry dog food, uncomfortable collars, big leashes and electric fences an stuff to keep us doggies in line. Nothing else! No treats, sweeties, or toys for us doggies! Then I dreamt that there were kitties parading over and back past my window cos they’d put a barking curfew in place and I wasn’t allowed to bark from my sofa! What if I’m like those sidekick people on the telly telling people about their futures and this is actually going to happen?

Ah, poor Cleo. You just had a bad dream. Of course the cats aren’t taking over the world. Come over here and I’ll give you a belly rub and some of your sweeties.

But Mummy! Remember yesterday when we were going into Nana and Granddad’s house? Bubbles next door was just sitting on her Daddy’s car and she didn’t scarper away or nothin! She was looking at me kinda funny too. Now Cleo, you know Bubbles is a very old cat and she’s not able to run as quickly as she used to. And she probably saw that you had your leash on so she knew she was ok to stay there. Mummy, it’s hardly a co-incidence that those two kitties near our house were watching us funny just before we headed over to Nana and Granddad’s. They were passing on intelligence or something. Cleo, those two kitties were just watching you to make sure you didn’t chase them around the corner like you usually do. You’re being paranoid now.

Paranoid? PARANOID you say? Well then how do you explain that kitty that got into my garden a few weeks ago? The kitty who just sat there looking in at me when I was barking my head off through the patio door? The one who STUCK HER HEAD INTO MY KENNEL????? She planted some transmission device in there to report back on my movements, I’m sure of it. And she was mewing funny stuff into that two-way radio around her neck too. I have seen Cats & Dogs, you know! Now Cleo, you’re really being silly. That was her kitty collar around her neck. Kitties can have collars too, you know.

Mummy is in denial. I am sure of it. She won’t be so blasé about it all when she finds herself sleeping in the garden or sumfin, and eating some dry human formula food. I wonder if I could disguise myself as a kitty and have a sneaky look on Catster? Just to see what they’re talking about. Cos I’m sure those kitties are up to something. In any case, I will be sleeping with one eye open tonight ……………


Painting and Decorating

July 13th 2012 8:11 am
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Pupsters, I forgot to mention that in addition to my many talents I am also an accomplished painter. So if your peoples need anything painted in their kennels they know where to come.

Mummy was painting the kitchen wall last night. She was having a glass of wine and admiring her work (the Bodka dwip needs to be replenished). Anyway, I decided to conduct my own inspection. So I sniffed all down along the wall and all the way back. Anyway, Mummy got all excited and started barking excitedly at me. She even washed me with a sponge with some smelly stuff on it. To show her appreciation of all my hard work, I expect.


Friday the 13th!

July 13th 2012 5:13 am
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Some peoples say that Friday the 13th is an unlucky day, but not so far for Mummy and me! Today is bin day pupsters! That means that Mummy wheels 2 big bins and a small food bin out to the front of our house and I get to follow her and bark at them. Then mummy barks at me. Then later a big truck comes into our estate to collect the bins and I get to bark out the window, then Mummy gets to bark at me again. I love bin day! BOL!

Anyway, we did the leaving the bins out and barking bit and then Mummy got a call from my Nana to say she and my Granddad were coming to take me for a walk. So I’m up in the forest with them right now. How am I typing this while I’m in the forest, you may bark? Easy peasy! I used my newly – patented dogtaphone ™ (which will shortly be available, shipping costs dependant on location) to bark today’s diary and I left Mummy at home to update you all on my goings on.

It’s not as if Mummy has much else to do but attend to my personal correspondence these days. She was let go from her job and she’s been moping around the place and applying for jobs. I did offer her a special discount for my FACE-UP services cos it was kinda unfair how she was let go, but she said my rate was too high. I don’t think a year’s supply of choc drops is excessive. Anyway, she was told a couple of weeks ago that she has a new job and they called her this morning to confirm a start date in 3 weeks. She’ll have to go to England for a couple of weeks for obedience classes or something and then she can work from home like before. So that means I’ll be going on an extended holiday to my Nana and Granddad’s house for a couple of weeks. I’m sure I’ll miss Mummy cos we haven’t been apart for more than 2 nights since my gotcha day 4 years ago. But overall a lucky Friday 13th for us!

Bark at ya later, lots of sniffing to be done here!

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