Cleopatra's Classified Column

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Rain, Rain, Rain!

August 3rd 2012 5:40 pm
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It's been raining all day. In between sunshine. Mummy and I have been in and out to our personal dog park all day. This is the grounds of an old Psychiatric hospital that closed in 1992, me and lots of other doggies go out there cos Bill the caretaker lets us all run off our leashes and have lots of fun! Anyway, I met my friend Daisy again today. She's the one with the pony mane - BOL! We chase each other all around the place and then I rugby tackle her and she rolls over on her back! Such fun!

Anyway Mummy took a picture of me barking instructions to Daisy, which she will post for me. She says I look like a real "bossy boots" cos I'm barking and Daisy is just sitting there wagging her tail. That's cos she's just a puppy. And I'm the boss.

Anyway, Mummy starts her new job on Monday. She's been in a real temper all day cos she was offered the job over the phone on June 19th and told the money part, she's been chasing a contract ever since and they only sent it through TODAY, and it's a huge amount less than what she was told!!!! They are saying this is what they told her the salary was but she remembers the conversation. It's about the same as her last job but she thought we'd have a lot more money every month so she's in a really, really bad mood!!!!! But I am have been reassured that my choc drops and treats will still be the same so that's good! At least Mummy has a job, she hasn't had a salary since May and she's looking forward to getting money again.

Mummy! Unplug that wine dwip now and post my photo! Thanking you!

 

Cleo's Mystical Meanderings™ Tour of Ireland

July 29th 2012 4:14 pm
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Well pupsters, as many of you will know, Ireland is a mystical land full of music, poetry and song. Our little country’s national Day, St Patrick’s Day, is celebrated throughout the world. We all know that the country’s swarming with leprechauns, those charming little people of Irish legend. And you can’t walk for more than a few feet without meeting a cheery little fairy or a goblin or sumfin. And the peoples here have a wonderful life. They sit around all day drinkin whiskey, telling stories and growing cabbages. Only last week, I was walking through a field when I met a druid who

CLEO! What is that rubbish that you are writing in your diary? What do you mean Mummy? You know full well Cleo that this stuff is only myth. Made up for tourists.

Well YES, Mummy. YOU know that. And I know that. But Cleo’s Escorted Irish Tours™ is taking bookings right now. Our Mystical Meanderings™ tour will show the tourists all that is synonymous with Ireland. I have a whole itinerary done out an’ all:

Day 1: Coach transfer from the airport to Molly O’Moore’s pub, where we will partake in light refreshments of poitin and cabbage soup. From there, we will proceed to a real fairy fort (currently under construction) where I have organized a fairy egg hunting contest. Back to our beautifully appointed accommodation where dinner will consist of Bacon and Cabbage followed by a night of traditional music and dancing.

Day 2: Trip to Blarney where we will all kiss the Blarney Stone, which imparts the magical gift of eloquence to all who kiss it. Followed by a meeting with a real druid, where we will perform incantations and ritual dancing around a four leaved clover, while holding our shillelaghs in the air. Back to our beautifully appointed accommodation where dinner will consist of Bacon and Cabbage followed by a night of traditional music and dancing.

Day 3: A personal audience with St Patrick himself. I intend to ask him to reverse his ban on snakes in Ireland cos I have nothing interesting to bark at. I believe Bono will also be making an appearance on a nearby cloud. Followed by a trip to the Guinness brewery. Back to our beautifully appointed accommodation where dinner will consist of Bacon and Cabbage followed by a night of traditional music and dancing.

Day 4: A special reception co-hosted by Leabhras O’Muirihurteagh, king of the leprechauns, and Concepta Ni Flootachain, a goblin princess. Here we will partake in general merriment and shenanigans. Transport to the airport where each member of the group will be presented with a genuine pot of gold and a signed, framed photograph of the noted Irish author, Cleopatra Ni Chomhaltain.

Hmmmm. That’s sure a lot of cabbage. And what is this “beautifully appointed accommodation” you keep mentioning? Don’t worry Mummy. I was planting cabbage seeds outside earlier. You didn’t really need those dahlias and roses and other smelly flowers out there. As for the accommodation, I’ll need you to move the bed out of the spare bedroom to make more space. Now, if you don’t mind, I’m tired. Good thing I went offline before we had this conversation. I’ll tell the pupsters my druid story tomorrow.

 

The Great Kennel Makeover!

July 27th 2012 6:28 pm
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This morning, Mummy got one of her "bright ideas". My idea of a bright idea, of course, involves a walk. Not so for her ladyship. She decided to paint my kennel. Anyway, my kennel was brown and kinda boring. Mummy decided to paint it white. Very sloppily. Ma ain't the best painter on the planet. She kinda slapped the paint on. (She wasn't hooked up to a Bodka Dwip (can't find the TM at the moment, he must be on a tea break).

Anyway, thankfully Nana called to ask if we wanted to go for a drive up to the Burren. Which is apparently one of those UNESCO heritage places or sumfin. I got Mummy to take some photos. We had a great time! Then we came home and looked at the 'lympic ceremony. That's in England which is our nearest country. They used to be in charge of us once - GRRRRR! But when the 'lympic torch was on its way to London, they were very nice and passed it through Ireland. Not just the part that's part of the United Kingdom but they also sent it down to Dublin which the peoples here in Ireland really appreciated. Anyway the ceremony was fantastic! And Mummy and me watched it in Nana and Granddad's. And now we're home, and Mummy's tap-tap-tapping into that laptop thingy!

Anyway, when the kennel makeover is complete I'll post a photo! If herself ever gets off the computer that is...................

 

My Mummy, the sloppy wino!

July 26th 2012 1:49 pm
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Mummy had to go to the dentist today. Dentists are like vets 'cept they just look after human peoples' teeth and stuff. Anyway, I was over with Nana and Granddad and when she got back it was so funny! She looked like someone who got one of those buttocks injections I've seen on the telly, they make your lips look like you were stung by a buzzy bee or sumfin. And she was talking all weird - BOL!

Anyway, today was a lovely sunny day here across the 'lantic ocean in Ireland. So Mummy decided she'd sit outside and have a nice glass of wine. 'sept she was dribbling and drooling and slobbering all over the top she was wearing. She looked a bit loony toons. A sandwich short of a picnic. A spanner short of a toolkit. Not the full shilling. Away with the fairies.... (I'm sure my friends 'cross the 'lantic ocean have other non-Irish sayings to describe what I'm talking about, for some reason, we have a lot of sayings here to describe this particular affliction.....)

Cleo, what are you doing? Nothing Mummy! I'm just online getting some ideas for your birthday. But my birthday's not till September! Oh I know that Mummy, but I wanted to make sure I get you the perfect present this year. Oh Cleo, you are the sweetest little puppy in the whole world! It was such a lucky day I saw you in that pound and took you home! Yes, Mummy. Everyday I count my blessings that you rescued me from that awful place and took me to live in my wonderful forever home! (Better go before she gets too boisterous, you know what these mad drunks are like!) BOL!

 

Cranky Mummy and walks with Grandad!

July 21st 2012 5:48 pm
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Last night Mummy dropped me over to Nana and Grandad's. She was heading off early this morning with her friends. Where? I did not know. Anyway, as it happens Mummy went off down to Killarney which is a lovely place with really nice scenery and stuff. So she climbed a mountain with her 3 friends. Now she's a bit cranky cos she's stiff or somfin, ha ha!

Anyway, back to more important matters. Nana and Grandad took me for a long walk this morning. I asked cranky, stiff Mummy to upload a photo of me and Grandad for you to see. Don't I look pretty? And so good! Anyway afterwards I got tons of meatz and stuff. Then they brought me for a shorter walk in the evening. I didn't see Ben (sigh...). Then Mummy (eventually) arrived and collected me. And she's been hooked to the Wine Dwip ever since, which I'm waiting for Zaidie to patent. Now I'm watching her tap-tap-tapping into that computer thingy she has, and ignoring me again. Nufin new there.

No more news. Until tomorrow when I'm hoping something interesting will happen. Which probably won't happen cos Nana, Grandad and a very stiff Mummy will probably be watching the end of the British Open golf thing. Where that wild tiger is still roaming around and nobody is listening to my warnings 'bout dangerous animals and stuff.

 

Thank you Zaidie!

July 20th 2012 10:29 am
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Not braggin or nothin, but I'm enjoying a big juicy steak that Zaidie sent me. So I'm special. 'nough said.

 

Dangerous animals in our house!

July 20th 2012 10:08 am
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Mummy has been watching golf most of the day. The British Open is on at the moment. She's stuck to that sofa like a big fat sack of spuds. Anyway, I heard the telly people saying something disturbing earlier. There's a tiger somewhere on the course. I've seen tigers before on the telly and they're extremely dangerous animals. I kept looking and looking but I couldn't see a tiger anywhere, maybe he's hiding in some long grass and I just haven't spotted him yet.

Anyway, I kept barking at Mummy. Just to warn her about the tiger and to tell her to stay back from the telly in case he pounces or sumthin. Do you think she was grateful? Not a bit! I was told in no uncertain terms that if I can't stay quiet she'll put me out into the garden.

That's grateful for you.

 

Unrequited love and stinky blankies!

July 17th 2012 11:10 am
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There is a doggie called Ben who goes to the same park as me, and I wuvvvvv him! When we first met, we just ignored each other and fetched our own balls while our two mummies chattered and yapped. Ben and I would generally be busy fetching our balls, sniffing around, peeing, and ignoring each other.

Recently though, I’ve been chasing after Ben trying to play with him and stuff. And he still ignores me. Ben’s mummy throws his ball, he runs after it and I run after him. I even lost my own ball yesterday evening cos I was too busy following Ben, with his big floppy ears and his big slobbery tongue (sigh). Mummy and Ben’s mummy think this is “cute”. “Unrequited love” and all that. Yes, very “cute”, Mummy. How would you like it if you were running round the park after some man-human person while he ignored you? EH?

Then to add insult to injury Mummy decided to wash all my blankies. So next time I see Ben, I’ll have the indignity of smelling like “fresh cut flowers” or “fresh linen” or “summer meadow” or something equally stinky. How will Ben even look at me now? MY LIFE IS RUINED! Sniff!

To take my mind off my broken heart, Mummy brought me for a swim. I swam with the little ducksies in the lake and I didn’t try to bite them or nothin’.

 

Speeder nets and moths and stuff

July 17th 2012 2:59 am
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Mummy has a big long stick with big fluffy pink stuff at the end, she goes around sometimes taking away speeder nets with it. Speeders, she informs me, are little creatures with long legs that make nets to catch flies in. Personally, I think that's cheating. And where's the fun in that anyway? Much better to bark, I say. And besides, who gave those speeders authority to catch my flies?

Anyway, I was relaxing on my sofa last night when I saw a strange creature on the wall. Mummy said it was a moth. I barked and barked and barked and barked but the silly thing wouldn't move, not like the other buzzy flies who fly around when I bark. These moth creatures must be hard of hearing or something. Anyway, Mummy got her fluffy stick out and she got the moth creature to sit on the fluffy part and we both went out to the front door. The moth creature flew away and I made sure to bark lots of times to warn it not to come back to our house. Cos Mummy and I are a team. And we won't be defeated.

 

Was it a dream? Or is it really happening?

July 15th 2012 4:24 pm
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Mummy! I’ve just had the most terrible dream! I was snoozing on the sofa and I dreamt that the kitty cats had taken over the world! The pet store was FULL of pink fluffy kitty things and kitty treats and stuff. The doggie section was down in a dark corner and all they had was dry dog food, uncomfortable collars, big leashes and electric fences an stuff to keep us doggies in line. Nothing else! No treats, sweeties, or toys for us doggies! Then I dreamt that there were kitties parading over and back past my window cos they’d put a barking curfew in place and I wasn’t allowed to bark from my sofa! What if I’m like those sidekick people on the telly telling people about their futures and this is actually going to happen?

Ah, poor Cleo. You just had a bad dream. Of course the cats aren’t taking over the world. Come over here and I’ll give you a belly rub and some of your sweeties.

But Mummy! Remember yesterday when we were going into Nana and Granddad’s house? Bubbles next door was just sitting on her Daddy’s car and she didn’t scarper away or nothin! She was looking at me kinda funny too. Now Cleo, you know Bubbles is a very old cat and she’s not able to run as quickly as she used to. And she probably saw that you had your leash on so she knew she was ok to stay there. Mummy, it’s hardly a co-incidence that those two kitties near our house were watching us funny just before we headed over to Nana and Granddad’s. They were passing on intelligence or something. Cleo, those two kitties were just watching you to make sure you didn’t chase them around the corner like you usually do. You’re being paranoid now.

Paranoid? PARANOID you say? Well then how do you explain that kitty that got into my garden a few weeks ago? The kitty who just sat there looking in at me when I was barking my head off through the patio door? The one who STUCK HER HEAD INTO MY KENNEL????? She planted some transmission device in there to report back on my movements, I’m sure of it. And she was mewing funny stuff into that two-way radio around her neck too. I have seen Cats & Dogs, you know! Now Cleo, you’re really being silly. That was her kitty collar around her neck. Kitties can have collars too, you know.

Mummy is in denial. I am sure of it. She won’t be so blasé about it all when she finds herself sleeping in the garden or sumfin, and eating some dry human formula food. I wonder if I could disguise myself as a kitty and have a sneaky look on Catster? Just to see what they’re talking about. Cos I’m sure those kitties are up to something. In any case, I will be sleeping with one eye open tonight ……………

 
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