Cleopatra's Classified Column

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Mummy's STINKY breath!

January 30th 2014 4:21 am
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When Mummy got up earlier, she went off doin' her groomin' stuff in da bathroom while I waited patiently. An' waited. An' waited. When she eventually came back, she bent down for a kissy and a cuddle. PHEW! WHAT A STINKY BREATH! Seriously, there was a deluge of stinky minty fumes makin' my lil' Cleopatra eyes water! What did I do to deserve dat? Why can't dese hoomans groom themselves properly? Why can't they have sweet smellin' breath like us doggies (and some of dem kittsies)?

I'll have to start leaving subtle hints. Like the odd bit of bacon in the bathroom. Or some doggie bikkies on the bed. Anything at all to make dat stinky breath better. I'm sure it will take a considerable amount of time to recover from this assault on my doggy senses!

 

My Mummy accused me of trying to KILL her!

January 26th 2014 1:56 pm
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My Mummy has accused me of trying to kill her! She put this exact post on her book of faces thingy today!

"I had a most undignified wake up earlier, finding my face somewhere under the hound's tail. I don't particularly want my death cert to contain the words "smothered", "dog" or "arse", thanks very much!"

First Mummy, I did not try to "smother" you. Besides, you are the hand that feeds me and I don't bite your hand cos I know on which side my bread is buttered.

Second, you know when you're lying in bed I like to snuggle up to you for warmth. I kinda reverse until I find you and then snuggle down against you. Well last night I went downstairs for a little drinky of water and I kinda got disorientated in the darkness and kinda reversed into your face. Sorry 'bout that but your fault cos there was no light on to guide my reversing an' stuff.

Third, I think it was really rude of you to jump up outta bed as suddenly as you did. You know I like to be woken up gently with cuddles and belly rubs. And the fright of something moving under my butt, especially on a Sunday morning - well I'm sure you can imagine I am still traumatised.

So the only way you can make this is up to me is:

1. Make a public apology to me on that book of faces of yours. I do have hooman friends too and my public reputation is very important to me!
2. Make a public apology to me on Dogster so I can be vindicated by my peers.
3. Buy a year's supply TOMORROW of Pedigree Dentastix, Choc Drops and rubber balls. Otherwise the consequences will be dire. I am looking for suggestions from my Dogster pupsie pals as to what your punishment might be before we have to stop doing our diary entries here (sob!)

 

Happy New Year all!

December 31st 2013 8:33 pm
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I'm over in my Nana and Granddad's and they're in bed now cos it's 4.30am here! Happy New Year to all my doggy friends! Hope you all have a fantastic year and I hope your Mommies and Daddies have a great year too!

Love Cleo XXX

 

I won't be getting any walkies today!

December 18th 2013 7:05 am
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I am so bored! Today my Mummy and me went off in the car so she could go to the Post Office. Anyway, she left me in the car. We would usually go walkies around the streets when we're in town cos I like to look at all the sparkly Christmas lights and the nice window displays.

But when Mummy was coming back to the car it started POURING rain. And it's going to rain and rain and rain and be really stormy all night. So all I could do was look out at the sparkly lights and window displays from the back seat of our car as we drove past. (sob!)

 

I got two Christmassy cards today!

December 16th 2013 2:07 pm
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Oh my pupsie friends! I am so excited! Mummy went downstairs this morning and picked up the post. She opened the envelopes and left two of them beside me then started complainin' on that book of faces of hers. Anyway, I got two Christmassy cards! What did she get? Two bills! BOL! BOL!

Thank you gorgeous boy Zaidie! Your beautiful Christmassy card is on my mantelpiece! What lovely pictures of you, especially the one with your lovely tartan outfit (sigh!).

And thank you gorgeous girl Whitley! Your card was extremely boootiful with the snowflake an' ribbon an' skating dog an' everything!! It is also on my mantelpiece. Did your Mummy hook herself up to da Bodka Dwip too early though? Cos it's not signed! I knew it was from you though cos at least your Mummy remembered to put your address on the card! BOL! Dese hoomans, eh!

Thank you both! Mummy is sulking somewhere. Meanwhile, I am lying in front of the fire admiring my Christmassy cards on top of the mantelpiece. Some of us are just popular and some are just Billy No Mates. What else can I say really?

 

Dear Santa....

December 15th 2013 4:54 pm
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What are you so busy doing, Cleo? Oh just writing my letter to Santa, Mummy. Oh great! Do you mind if I take a look? Oh no problemo, Mummikins, look away!

Dear Santa. I want 2 bags of Choc Drops to be delivered EVERY DAY for the next year by you and your sleigh and those other reindeer wastes of spaces who only work one day a year to my house!

I would also quite like a diamond studded, pink collar.

A muzzle for my Mummy. She kinda gets upset when I bark outta the car at dogs an’ stuff. She’s really cramping my style!

Please incur some sort of lame leg affliction on my neighbour cat Angel. So I can catch her. Thank you. Absolutely NO PRESENTS for her doggie brothers Pinkie and Bubbles because they peed in my flower bed this year. Thank you.

If you don’t deliver on these modest requests, Rudolf will not be the only one with a red nose. Jack Frost will not be the only one nipping at your nose, if you know what I mean.

Cleo.

Cleo, you can’t send that to Santa! Why not Mummy? Because you have to be nice to Santa and let him now how good you’ve been all year. Because he’s been watching to see how good you’ve been all year.

He’s been WATCHING ME? What????? Did he see when I was chasing Angel the kitty cat around the back of the house and up the tree? Yes Cleo, and he was taking notes. And, em, was he also taking notes when I steeled a little bit of the kitty food that time the neighbours were away and I was looking after feeding the little kitty cat Angel? Yes, he’s watching you all the time to see if you’re naughty or nice. So that means he must have seen me when I was making my wee-wees right outside the window of Pinkie and Bubbles while they were barking at me? Yes, Cleo, he would have seen that.

Draft two of my letter! Dearest, most loved Santa! So how have you been keeping all year? I must say you are looking particularly trim and handsome this year. I have been so good this year. I have spent my days feeding the cat (Angel) two doors away from my house. I have paid particular attention to her grooming needs and have spent my time attending to her every need. Her doggie brothers Pinkie and Bubbles have been exceptionally wonderful this year and I hope you bring them beautiful presents. As for me, I need nothing. I have my Mummy and Nana and Granddad. I don’t need anything more (but if you could see it to supply Choc Drops, diamond studded collar and Mummy’s muzzle that would be a bonus!) Thank you Santa!!!!

 

No Thanksgiving in Ireland. I am STARVED!

November 29th 2013 5:15 pm
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Mummy walks into the living room. Oh Cleo, how come you’re lying on my sofa instead of snoozing on yours? No reason really Mummy. There were some cars pulling in and out outside the window where I usually snooze. Just fancied somewhere quieter. How come my Facebook page is open? Dunno. Must have brushed past your laptop and accidentally turned it on while I was jumping on the sofa.

Mummy, can I ask something? Who are these American friends on your book of faces that you were wishing a happy Thanksgiving to yesterday? I thought some of your friends said something about Turkey? And, em, BACON? Did someone mention gravy? Did I hear the work GRAVY mentioned at one point?

Well yes, yesterday was Thanksgiving in the States. It’s a very special day when people get together with family and friends and have a nice relaxing dinner together.

FAMILY AND FRIENDS? (getting slightly hysterical) – What about Nana and Granddad? What do you mean Cleo? Well, did Nana and Granddad have a Thanksgiving dinner with TURKEY and BACON and GRAVY without us?

No of course not Cleo! Nana and Granddad would never have a special dinner without you being there! We don’t celebrate Thanksgiving in Ireland.

WHY NOT? (getting slightly more hysterical) – Why don’t we get TURKEY and BACON and GRAVY here in Ireland for Thanksgiving? And…..do my American friends on Dogster get TURKEY and BACON and GRAVY for Thanksgiving? I’m sure they do Cleo. Like you get turkey and bacon and gravy at Christmas.

But WHY do we not celebrate Thanksgiving in Ireland? There are thousands of millions of billions of American people whose people came from Ireland. Surely we owe it to our friends over the ‘lantic Ocean to acknowledge them! We should be having turkey and BACON and GRAVY too!

Sorry Cleo, Thanksgiving is an American thing. We just don’t celebrate that here. (walks out of room)

Tap tap tap tap tap. Logging into Dogster. Reading diary entries from my pupsie pals. TURKEY. BACON. GRAVY! I am WAILING!

FACE-UP (The Federation Against Continued Exploitation by Unscrupulous Parents) is on the case! We have been quiet as late due to an unexpected accounting scandal (sorry, error)! I am writing to the United Nations Commissioner for Canine Rights to request that Thanksgiving is celebrated in Ireland. They need to be aware that the Irish dogs are being unfairly deprived of turkey. And bacon. And gravy.

I hope you will help me in my hour of need. Because I am desperately in need of aid (sob)

 

Happy Thanksgiving!

November 28th 2013 4:41 pm
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Happy Thanksgiving to my Dogster pals! Hope you're all having a lovely day! We don't get Thanksgiving in Ireland! Are you having turkey? Maybe some potatoes too? GRAVY? I love gravy! I love mashed turkey and potatoes and GRAVY! Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm! We get no Thanksgiving here in Ireland! I am repeating this! I am STARVING! What are you all having? Can I have a sniff? Or maybe a taste? I'm being starved here! Boo hoo!

 

I got a HOWL-O-WEEN card!

November 1st 2013 8:32 am
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OH pupsies, I was so excited last week! I heard the postman at the door so naturally I had to take my place on the sofa inside the sitting room window and bark him outta the place! So when he was gone I went out to investigate the envelope sitting there and I could smell bacon and general doggie smells! So I barked at Mummy to come down the stairs and when she opened the envelope I had a card from the Papillon Pack! That is Misty, Scooter, Mr Cutter and Pepper!

Thank you so much Papillon Pack Mummy Laura! Mummy says sorry she took so long to say thanks but she was in bed with sniffly flu for the past few days. Anyway, your card has pride of place on my (sorry, our) mantelpiece. And Mummy is really, really jealous cos she got nuffin! BOL!

Thank you as well to all my great Dogster pals who sent me scary skeletons. I had to hide behind Mummy while she read out all the names of my friends who scared me from a distance! I think I need some choc drops or bacon or something now to get over the fright.....

 

Diary Pick!

August 26th 2013 4:21 pm
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Whooooo whoooo! I'm celebrating again! I had my Gotcha Day last week and just as the festivities were winding down, I got a diary pick!

Mnummmmmmm mnummmmmmm mnummmmmmmm! Excuse me a minute! I'm chewing on a big steak that Coco Rose and Puffy sent me. Delicious! And I have proudly pinned to my collar a lovely rosette from Hershey and Van Winkle!

I have extra sweeties tonight. The pawty goes on! Whoo hoo!

 
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