http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones Dogster diary for the dog Dexter Nova Bright Star en Copyright 2009 by Dexter Nova Bright Star & Dogster Sun, 22 Nov 2009 05:50:49 PST Dogster Pet-o-matic Gennie - http://www.dogster.com 360 http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/623793 Sat, 26 Sep 2009 11:02:37 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/623793 Ray: A golden drop of sun Me: A name I call myself Fa: A long, long, way... Wait an arfing ... I'm pretty sure he's here to see you, honey. I've got to go point Percy at the pavement. I'll be right back. And with that, he bounded off nonchalantly through the underbrush. Maybe he was trying to draw me off. Maybe he really did have to point Percy at the pavement--though there wasn't any for two miles in any direction. Either way, I wasn't having any of it. Your parents know where you are, young lady? I asked the doe. Look! she yelled, pointing one dainty hoof over my shoulder. When I turned my magnificent head to look, she lit out like a shot out of a firecracker, making a dog-awful crashing through the underbrush. But I was on her like stink on ugly or stupid on a cat, as the saying goes. And I'd've caught up with her, too, if the biped hadn't started blowing his whistle just about then. I put on the brakes like a Ural falling off a cliff and headed back to see what was up. What's up, Boss? I said when I reestablished contact with the biped. You know that heron, Dexter? The great blue one? That's the one. What about it? Turns out it's turned up missing. Spit! You know something about it, Dexter? Not a thing, Boss. Well, any way you look at it, Dexter, we're going to have to get you back to the station and bathed. The lieutenant wants to see you. Spit.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/619758 Tue, 8 Sep 2009 15:41:54 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/619758 ...of unintended consequences bites him in the arse again. Since that time before which the memor ... wanted were windows that actually opened and could therefore be effectively yelled through. All that has only just now been explained to me. I knew nothing about any of it until just minutes ago. All I knew was that I got banished to the back yard quite early this morning, right after a couple of strangers in a white pickup truck showed up. And I stayed banished for several hours, during which time I heard much banging and sawing going on at the front of the house. Finally, a few minutes ago, the biped released me from the back yard. Then he went back in the house to return to whatever sort of "work" it is he claims he does. I had been wandering around inspecting my domain for some minutes before I noticed that anything was amiss. Then I suddenly realized that a part of the house that had never stuck out before was now sticking out. Having had no previous experience of casement windows, I had no idea what it was. Well, of course, I did what any self respecting canine would have done, Littermates--what you would have done in my place--I barked at it! And barked and barked and barked. Until the biped came and gently explained to me, through the new window, that I should... ahem... shut the arf up. I'm not sure whether that's ironic, or whether it's just what happened. But, either way, it is.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/617253 Thu, 27 Aug 2009 17:15:29 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/617253 So, yesterday evening, we're out for our daily stroll, the biped and I, and I begin to feel the need ... Apparently, he prefers not to have me spit on someone's lawn when they're standing right there watching, even though he does faithfully clean up after me. So, when he realized I was getting antsy, he tugged me right along to the corner and thence across the street. To an absolutely barren patch of ground that he seemed to think would do nicely. But, by this time, he had succeeded in inducing in me an utterly uncharacteristic sort of shyness--I no longer wanted to do my business right there in front of God and everybody. I was having none of it. So the biped sighed and led me on. Presently, we were walking along next to the new Spreckels Elementary School building. The building is only about two and a half feet from the sidewalk. That two and a half feet, however, is very tastefully landscaped with bushes and ground cover and such. By now, of course, I really had to spit, but I was still feeling shy about doing it right out in the open. So I sought privacy in the bushes next to the school. And it seemed to me that I had achieved it, too. I pushed head first into the bushes just as far as I could go before assuming the position and doing the deed. That being the case, it is not quite clear to me how I ended up spitting right smack dab in the middle of the sidewalk. But I did.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/610527 Sat, 1 Aug 2009 10:47:26 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/610527 Miss Kitty down to the Long Branch says to come quick! As I was saying, the biped and I ran into ... Miss Kitty down to the Long Branch says to come quick! As I was saying, the biped and I ran into a couple of very old friends this morning at Garland Park--the Treat Pocket Lady and her now genuinely geriatric yellow lab bitch, Peaches. It's a shame, really, how other dogs and people seem to age so. When last heard from, as you may recall, Peaches was demurely sitting her vent down on the trail, so as to fend off my olfactory attentions. This morning, the best she could manage was sort of a half squat. Don't get me wrong--it's an alluring posture and all, but still... a bit sad. When we first met, some four years ago, I think, Peaches was, as I recall, seven. Which, I confess, seemed positively ancient to me at the time. But here she is, all these years later, still plugging along at the ripe old age of... what? 10? 11? 17? Something like that. Inspiring I suppose, in a doddering, arthritic sort of way. And, if I may be forgiven an ungentlemanly comment, the Treat Pocket Lady is no spring chicken herself. While the biped, who apparently recalls dogs' names better than people's, correctly addressed Peaches as Peaches, the Treat Pocket Lady had the temerity to call me Chester! Well, I never!]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/609735 Wed, 29 Jul 2009 15:56:32 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/609735 Simply irresistible--that's me. While many beings, both sentient and less so, seem to experience ... nobody can resist yours truly, not even the slimy little fishities. While the biped is busy contemplating such esoteric minutia as how best to paint the fuzz on a bumble bee's arse, or further discourage paying customers from interrupting him with their idiotic phone calls, I am engaged in a 24/7 (well, OK, maybe 4/7) charm offensive. And I have now won even the koi over to my side (the feeder-fish comets, Betty and Veronica, are still playing hard to get, but they'll come around). As I believe I have mentioned a life time or two ago, I love to drink out of the koi pond. I don't give a flying arf about the fish themselves, but I appreciate the fine "nose" they impart to the water. So, whenever I am allowed into the hot tub/deck/koi pond annex, I immediately commence slurping from the koi pond (unless, of course, there is someone simmering in the hot tub, in which case I may opt for some nice hot broth). I have never offered the koi the slightest violence, of course. But they are nervous creatures, utterly lacking a Gordon setter's bold joy de vivre, so I took no offence at their initial tendency to skulk on the opposite side of the pond while I was drinking. Gradually, though, they seemed to grow used to me and paid me less and less attention. That, at least, was the biped's take on their behavior. He could not conceive that they were developing a real affection--nay, admiration--for my person. Until two mornings ago, when he was privileged to observe all ten of the koiz actually flocking (if that is what fish do) to kiss my shiny black flews while I was engaging in my pre-breakfast hydration. Lovely creatures, koi, in a scaly sort of way. I hope I have not done them a disservice by teaching them that the bipeds' domestic mammals are trustworthy, honorable, and charming. Phoebe is none of those things.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/609002 Mon, 27 Jul 2009 09:26:13 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/609002 Apparently, I'm not supposed to pee upstairs, either. Who knew? ... Apparently, I'm not supposed to pee upstairs, either. Who knew?]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/600326 Fri, 26 Jun 2009 08:42:18 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/600326 Well, Littermates, I believe the great black and tan hunter is starting to look pretty good to the b ... true "birdiness." Because, you see, whatever else you may say about bird shadows, you cannot deny that they are neat and clean--no muss, no fuss, no messy clean up. Whether you catch them, or whether you don't, you don't get a mouth full of feathers. Or a house full, either. Whereas, little Miss Phoebe, the indoor/outdoor catch-and-kill hunting phenom, has become quite "birdie" indeed. Two straight consecutive nights in a row, while all sane bipeds and their ever-faithful Gordon setters have slept the sleep of the just, she has ventured out through le catdoor, as she insists on calling it, captured one of our little feathered friends, brought it inside to toy with it (whether alive or dead at that point, we do not know), left the grisly remains on the living room floor amidst a sea of feathers, and then--no doubt with a well satisfied grin on her evil little face--retired to the bedroom, curled up atop the bipedess, and slept the remainder of the night away in dreams of feathered mayhem. So yours truly is looking like the good pet these days. I'm banking it.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/596873 Mon, 15 Jun 2009 10:59:28 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/596873 Well, the biped's latest birthday has come and gone. As has Flag Day. And here it is the one-th an ... in DexCorp 1 in a month of Sundays. Granted, the weather here in Greater Metropolitan Spreckels has been pretty abysmal lately. But that's all the more reason to hit the road and head for more salubrious climes, is it not? Apparently, it is not. Unless, by hitting the road once means driving the Subaru up to Oregon in a couple of days. And by more salubrious climes one means staying just about as close to the ocean but going much further north. And I don't think I do. Mean either one of those things, I mean. The biped just turned 58, which, as he never tires of pointing out, is "practically 60." I think his strategy is to get used to being 60 early, so that he'll scarcely notice it when it actually happens. Meanwhile, I am just over 5 1/2. The biped tells me that makes me somewhere around 38 in human terms. Still in my prime of course, but no longer a pup. He likes to tell me that in another four years--if we're both lucky--I'll be older than he is. Won't that be just arfing lovely? PS: Thanks once again to all the great folks who put us up (and put up with us) last summer. You're all welcome here any time (though perhaps not at the same time).]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/586686 Sat, 9 May 2009 13:38:15 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/586686 Well, Littermates, it has been an excellent day so far. The biped and I got up at a little before ... excellent day so far. The biped and I got up at a little before six this morning. The first thing we discovered--to our unanimous amazement, I assure you--was Phoebe, that young hussy, pacing back and forth on the outside windowsill next to the back door. Apparently, she had been locked out all night, owing to a... ahem... wardrobe malfunction. It seems that she had misplaced her magnetic collar somewhere--left it in some Tom's litter box, I shouldn't wonder--and without it, she cannot enter through the cat door! When the biped opened the back door to let me out--thank you, my good man!--Phoebe rushed right in without so much as pausing to hear my sincere condolences on her misfortune. Cats! Once the biped and I had taken care of our respective morning duties, we hoped in/on DexCorp 1 and headed for Garland Park. Where at least one of us had a positively delightful morning chasing red-wing blackbird shadows. Now then, I may be dumb, but I am not stupid. Or have I already mentioned that? No matter--you just cannot be too repetitious when you are dealing with simpletons. Not that I'm saying you are a simpleton. Necessarily. Anyway, I am fully aware that birds and bird shadows are related phenomena. What with one being both causally and temporally connected to the other and whatnot. And if I do not know precisely which causes which, or which came first, or why either might wish to cross the road... well, I am in very good company, I assure you. Some of your best wheelchair-bound cosmologists admit to not really knowing which way is up. And not even Sir Isaac Newton every succeeded in discovering why the philosopher's chicken crossed the road. So it is not the case that I am not aware of birds. I have even been known to flush a bird or two from time to time. It is just that I am interested in birds only to the extent that I know birds to be inextricably linked to their shadows. A bird just sitting on the ground, or in a bush, is of interest to me only to the extend that I know that, if I persuade him to take to the air, he will then produce a very chasable shadow. And I love chasing shadows. So the biped was having a good laugh at my expense this morning (little does he know I’m using his credit card!) because, he says, he had never seen a dog so enjoying being dive bombed by blackbirds. The birds, he says, were attempting to drive me away from their nesting area. And I was loving it! My tail-wagging muscles will be sore for a week! By repeatedly diving upon my very dogson, the blackbirds kept me supplied with a veritable flock of shadows for upwards of half an hour. I must have run a dozen of them to ground. Birds are so stupid!]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/584089 Thu, 30 Apr 2009 15:53:36 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/584089 ...I would burn this old biped down. Well, I'm pretty sure my strength was already as natural as ... ...I would burn this old biped down. Well, I'm pretty sure my strength was already as natural as any old dog. Any old particularly magnificent Gordon Setter, anyway. There was no need to shave me all. arfing. over. Yes, that's right, Littermates--I have once again been reduced to rat-tailed Dexter the black and tan coon hound. It's humiliating. It's degrading. It's dedoganizing. The only positive thing about it--and I forget every year how lovely this feels (that's right, I did say lovely--you wanna make something of it?)--is that the family jewels are once again swaying in the pre-summer breeze. Ah! Here is an interesting tidbit that you may not have known--certainly I didn't--according to Linda, the PetSmart groomer, if you shave all the hair off a pair as pendulous as mine, they become subject to sunburn. So she left a little on for the shade. Probably a wise precaution, considering that the sun so routinely shines right out of my vent.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/584052 Thu, 30 Apr 2009 13:41:42 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/584052 ...Now shut the arf up, would you? Jeez! You take one little step in the wrong direction in resp ... http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/578860 Mon, 13 Apr 2009 09:20:17 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/578860 What Phoebe needs to understand... indeed, what she needs to be made to understand is that, when you ... made to understand is that, when you are a 78-pound Gordon setter who, at his own request, spends most of his days in the great outdoors, you are unlikely to consider the indoors a place to play. The indoors is a place to grab a quick bite and a very long and well deserved nap. The indoors is for quiet time. Outside, I will happily jump and prance (well, maybe not prance exactly) and cavort and tree any cat wishing to be treed. I will sniff yours, and you may sniff mine, and then we can both run around in circles till we puke. But I do not come inside to have my head pounced upon. That is my bottom line. I don't even come inside to have my paws licked (though I must say that that was somewhat more endearing than Phoebe's usual attempts to interact with me). So come on, Phoebe... Let's just step outside, shall we?]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/577767 Thu, 9 Apr 2009 13:05:51 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/577767 I think I may have mentioned once or twice that I am a consummate chaser of bird shadows. And I do ... love motorcycles! But digress. Or perhaps I merely pregress, since I hadn't actually worked myself up to getting started on my real story yet. Be that as it may. It turns out, you may be surprised to learn, that tree shadows are not always cast upon the ground. In the late afternoon, the shadow of one of our Sycamore trees is cast upon the inner side of the concrete block wall that surrounds the gated family compound here in Beautiful Downtown Spreckels. And yesterday, the red-wing blackbird shadow that I was chasing flew directly into that shadow and lit upon a branch thereof. Whence he taunted me with red-wing-blackbird-shadow song for upwards of a short eternity (conservatively estimated by the biped at two minutes). And for that entire time, I stood guard over it, my magnificent snout not three inches from the wall. As I believe I have said on any number of occasions, your Gordon setter is a serious sort of dog.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/576142 Sat, 4 Apr 2009 14:04:44 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/576142 Or: Up the down waterfall Or: A brace of mallards on the Mesa pond Or: Yap, yap, yappin' at ... Up the down waterfall Or: A brace of mallards on the Mesa pond Or: Yap, yap, yappin' at Dexter's door Hmmm. I'm thinking I've got way more prospective titles today than actual entry to justify them. Can't be helped, I s'pose. For nearly five years now, the biped and I have been hiking up to the Mesa pond at Garland Park just about every Saturday morning. And, almost unfailingly, we hike up the Mesa trail and down the (much steeper) Waterfall trail. That is the right and proper way to do the loop. That is the sensible way to do the loop (we Gordons are very big on sensible--you could ask anybody). Every once in a great while--when the biped's knee is giving him the odd twinge, I'm thinking--we go both up and down the Mesa trail. But never, in my experience, have we gone up the Waterfall trail. Until this morning. Given that the bipedess is in Memphis (Tennessee, not Egypt) this weekend, perhaps the biped felt it was a case of when-the-cat's-away-the-mice-will-play. Perhaps he just wanted to let his hair down (Jeez, I slay myself!). If he was thinking that by hiking the loop backwards he could turn back time to an epoch in which the mesa sported a porta-potty, then he was even sadlier mistaken than he usually is. But anyway, we two wild and crazy guys went up the down Waterfall trail this morning. And arrived at the Mesa pond to find a brace of mallards thereon. Which is only mildly unusual and hardly worth mentioning--I just wanted to use the word brace. I didn't even bother to try to run off the duckies. The last time I did, I promptly found myself in water so deep that I was obliged to swim. Which I am very good at of course, but do not greatly enjoy. Instead, I contented myself with chasing red-wing blackbird shadows on the far side of the pond. Which endeavor I was engaged in when three dogs and their corresponding bipeds happened by. There was a perfectly polite collie of some sort, a dachshund who was so unobtrusive as almost to escape notice, and a yappy little terrier whose exact parentage I would not care to comment upon. The moment the terrier saw me across the pond, it commenced to yap incessantly. I thought I would gallop on around and see what it wanted. It yapped viciously until I was perhaps 50 yards away. Then it suddenly discovered an abiding interest in its biped's off-side shoe. Well, that's all I've got, Littermates. I told you the titles were better than the entry.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/575158 Wed, 1 Apr 2009 11:03:55 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/575158 That would be I, of course. Or me, if we are to be idiomatic. But, one way or the other, c'est moi ... c'est moi, as Phoebe could no doubt be prevailed upon to admit. If one had a largish stick with which to prevail upon her. So, yesterday, I went to the vet for some booster shots and my annual physical. They started out with a weigh-in, of course. Turns out I've gained three pounds since I was last weighed. I am now a robust 78 pounds. I know many of you get a lot of flak from your people, who get a lot of flak from your vets, every time your ribs sink a little deeper into their Crisco-like covering. (I'm not trying to be cruel here, Littermates, it's just that... Well, OK, maybe I am trying to be cruel--just drilling for the nerve, as Charlie Harper would say.) But my vet pronounced me fit and trim and well filled with p!ss and vinegar, as it were. I have merely finally grown into my skeleton, is all. Is it any wonder I like the folks at the vet? Sure they poke me with needles. And slip the occasional (well lubricated!) thermometer where the sun don't shine--or perhaps from where the sun does shine, now that I think about it. But they unfailingly recognize me for the magnificent beast that I am. And you gotta like that, Littermates.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/574553 Mon, 30 Mar 2009 15:34:00 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/574553 ...just keeping the customers satisfied, satisfied. Note to self: Write more diary entries in wh ... Note to self: Write more diary entries in which the biped gets hurt--the fans seem to love it.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/574457 Mon, 30 Mar 2009 10:58:32 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/574457 ...but the porta-potty is gone. HA-ha! Yeah, like I care. I will say this for the biped: He's ... HA-ha! Yeah, like I care. I will say this for the biped: He's been getting me out on a lot of hikes lately. Tuesday and Friday we went to Fort Ord. (And on Friday, he brought along both the bipedess and my water bottle--good breeding precludes my specifying which of the two I value more on a hot dusty trail.) Then, on Saturday morning, we had our regular hike to the Mesa Pond in Garland Park. The bipedess has gone back to sleeping in. The biped has gone back to not carrying his new camera. The Mesa has gone back to being a facility-free venue. Yessiree, Dog's in his heaven, and all's right with my world. When we were almost back to the parking lot on Saturday morning, we passed a young couple going in the other direction. Shortly after we had passed each other, the young woman called out a question to us. I of course, with my keen setter hearing, understood the question perfectly well, but I was disinclined either to answer it or to explain it to the biped, who thought he heard: Is that a mountain lion or a dog? You could tell by the look on his face that he thought it was kind of a stupid question (don't let your teachers lie to you, kids--there is definitely such a thing as a stupid question), but he is way too polite to say so. So what he said was: Um... He's a Gordon setter. Now it was the young woman's turn to look puzzled. Then she said: No. Your stick thingee there, is that for mountain lions or for dogs? The scales fell from the biped's eyes as he realized that the young lady had been inquiring, not about me, but about the 120,000-volt stun baton he carries whenever he walks me or hikes with me. He replied cheerily: Oh, mountain lions, vicious dogs, vicious people... whatever comes along. I haven't had to use it. Except on himself, he did not say. Twice.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/572870 Tue, 24 Mar 2009 18:02:39 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/572870 Or maybe what I mean is something more along the lines of It was a good plan, but the execution left ... It was a good plan, but the execution left something to be desired. Turns out the biped had a pretty slow day at work today. Even after installing the newly arrived peat bag in the pond biofilter and starting up his total-alkalinity-reduction experiment in the erstwhile quarantine tank, it was still only early afternoon. So he decided to take me for a hike. And, just for a change, he decided to do it at Fort Ord, rather than Garland Park. It's been quite a while since we've been to Fort Ord. Long enough, apparently, for the biped to forget that the trails there are a lot hotter and drier than at Garland Park. That particular memory lapse--just one among many, of course--caused him not to bring along my water bottle (or his own, for that matter, but who cares about that?). The temperature is only in the low 60s today, and it's quite breezy. So it's not like either of us was likely to wilt to any dangerous extent. Still, I think the route he chose to take was probably no more than two thirds as long as the route he would have taken, had he had water for me. So, anyway, I appreciate the mid-week hike and all, but it really was not up to what I wish were his usual standards. But I guess I can cut him some slack and just call it a spring-training hike. He'd better shape up by the time the regular season starts, though, or I may have to trade him in for a Korean hiker--I hear those Koreans train pretty darn hard, even during the off season. What? They don't! Really? Ahem. Did I say Korean? I’m pretty sure I actually meant Japanese.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/571880 Sat, 21 Mar 2009 10:30:37 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/571880 The biped and I, in common with the Pope (and, presumably, even Cardinal Sin), occasionally have to ... is, sometimes, a fairly large production of matter, of course, what with my being a largish dog, but that is, if you will, another matter altogether). I just stop and assume the position wherever the spirit moves me (if spirit is quite the motive force I am looking for here). His Holier-than-thou-ness, on the other hand (and, one assumes, the Pope), finds it necessary to drag privacy and availability of facilities and hygienic conditions and whatnot into his considerations. And if all his desiderata are not met, as they sometimes are not, he finds himself distressed. So he is pleased that the cash-strapped Monterey County Parks Department has seen fit to install a porta-potty near the Mesa Pond in Garland Park--assuming, that is, that you can call something with two wheels and a trailer hitch installed. They have not provided a morning paper, but beggars, I am reliably informed, cannot be choosers. And now, if you would all please bow your heads and join me in a benediction: Futuantur si non oblectantur, Littermates.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/570428 Mon, 16 Mar 2009 16:40:06 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/570428 I don't want the biped to feel guilty. I just want him to give me the damn money! It seems the p ... almost out of my (somewhat less favorite) ear cleaning solution. And--quite uncharacteristically for him, I must tell you--he remembered that before he had irrevocably passed The Feed Trough, purveyor of all things bestial. So he stops in and he picks up the shampoo and the ear cleaner. He puts them on the counter. The clerk, who seems to be involved in two or three other conversations at the same time, eventually tells the biped that he owes $34.30. (Let me just say, parenthetically, that that may strike you as some pretty expensive ear cleaning solution. But I am a five year old setter who has never had an ear infection--the ear cleaning solution is a very great bargain. And I'm only on my third bottle of it.) So, anyway, the biped hands over two twenties, a quarter, and five pennies--$40.30. During a brief hiatus in one of his conversations, the clerk hands the biped a five-dollar bill and a one-dollar bill. The biped gradually gets his keen mathematical mind up to full speed and calculates that $40.30, minus $34.30, is, indeed, six bucks. Satisfied, he folds up the six bucks, puts it in his wallet, and puts his wallet in his pocket. He starts to walk away from the counter with his purchases. Just then, the clerk says, "Here you go!" and hands him another five and another one. The biped walks out with the second six bucks in his hand, thinking Gee... I guess I must have made a mistake. He's actually in the car before he figures out--for sure--that it is the clerk who has made a mistake. At which point, he says to himself Arf it! The stupid bastard should pay more attention, and he leaves. Now the biped is feeling sort of guilty and dishonest. And I'm sure he will continue to do so until he gives that six bucks to somebody! And who better to assuage his guilty conscience than I? That's all I’m saying. Well... I guess it's not quite all I'm saying. I also wanted to mention that tomorrow, Saint Patrick's day, is the senior bipup's 28th birthday. And I'm sure we all wish him many happy returns and whatnot. Now, Boss... about that six bucks...]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/568600 Tue, 10 Mar 2009 15:49:09 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/568600 Get your motor runnin' Head out on the highway Lookin' for adventure And whatever comes our way.. ... Get your motor runnin' Head out on the highway Lookin' for adventure And whatever comes our way... Well, yes, up to a point, Lord Copper. I don't know that we were really looking for much in the way of adventure. Certainly, none seemed to come our way. But we did, by Golly, hop into/onto DexCorp 1, get our motor running, and head out on the highway for a very nice little 45 km spin. Aired out the old flews, flight tested the Dumbo ears, that sort of thing. No women, no cats, no koi, no cameras... just me, the biped, and 750 or so pounds of Russian scrap metal and baling wire. Just the thing for a sunny Tuesday afternoon in the springtime of the year. And my public! I had almost forgotten how much they love to see me in my ride! Coming back into Beautiful Downtown Spreckels, on the last non-stop right turn before home, I even let the biped blow off some of his exuberance by flying the car just a smidgen. I was so cool about it, the casual observer might well have thought I didn't even notice. And that, after all, is what we all need in these troubled times, Littermates--a cool head and an extra-large dollop of obliviousness. Is it any wonder I'm your Chairman?]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/568275 Mon, 9 Mar 2009 16:32:09 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/568275 I don't think I have to remind you, Littermates, how I feel about innovations. I do not like them. ... I had always been led to believe were strictly a boyz-morning-out sort of deal--this immediately past Saturday, he also brought along his spanking new camera, which talks less, I grant you, but seems to slow the proceedings down even more. What with actually taking pictures of things (106!) and trying to take pictures of things and bitching about failing to take pictures of things--Dexter stands still for no man--the two of them burned so much daylight that, by the time we got back to the car, we had completely missed "Wait, Wait, Don’t Tell Me," which I rather like, even if it is on National Pubic Radio. If I know the biped--and, Dog help me, I do--he can be counted upon to lose most of his interest in the camera pretty soon. The question is: Can the bipedess be counted upon to go back to sleeping in on Saturday mornings? It is upon such questions as these, alas, that the peace of a dog's mind depends. PS: As long as he'd already wasted the time to take them, I let him put a few of the better pictures up on my page. If you want to see a wider selection, you'll have to go hang out with his bipedal buddies on facebook.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/567277 Fri, 6 Mar 2009 09:28:32 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/567277 Correct me if I am wrong--those of you who have, at one time or another (possibly today), been chose ... never been Dog of the Day--but I'm guessing you have no idea how pleasant it is to sleep away the day in a sidecar whilst speeding down the highways and byways of our great nation at a stately 55 miles per hour; how exhilarating it is to stick your magnificent snout up above the lip of the car and snorkel in the exotic scents of, say, Poncacity, Oklahoma; how pleasing it is to one's amor propia to sit up and be admired by all and sundry in some obscure part of nether South Dakota. If that is not too long a sentence. And I miss it, dammit! What with all the rain, and the cat, and the fish, for Dog's sake, and the biped's general--let us call a spade a spade here--uselessness we haven't been out in the Ural for so much as a spin in a month of Sundays. Or Saturdays, either. It's got me in a funk, frankly. I want to be on the road again. Because, you know, the life I love is... well, not so much making music with my friends, I guess. But just being out there. On the way to someplace. Even if it generally turns out to be not much of anyplace. But the biped says it's not gonna happen. Not this summer, anyway. And, you know, I'm a dog! How many summers does he think I've got left, anyway! Oh yeah: Congratulations, Lyle! It couldn't have happened to a nicer dog (apart from Spring or Maebe, maybe).]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/562821 Fri, 20 Feb 2009 10:21:15 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/562821 The biped had been pestering me for some time about my shaggy appearance. The bipedess, for some re ... You look like your mother! she says. And, what with all the rain we've been having lately, I must admit I was getting a bit frizzy. So, OK; I needed a haircut. But what the arf did they think I was going to do about it? Make the phone call myself? Finally, the biped got around to booking me into the PetSmart grooming saloon yesterday afternoon. What? Salon? Well, that would explain the pawsity of libations, I guess. Anyway, he made an appointment for me to be groomed by Linda, a groomer very nearly as geriatric as my own bipeds, who is particularly pleased whenever she has the opportunity to groom what she refers to as a real Gordon setter. I, myself, have not run into a lot of imposters, but apparently Linda has. I like Linda. She gets me. She understands that I am a basically well intentioned sort of dog, but not given to promiscuous NSA intimacy with mere strangers, no matter how damned perky they are. Unhappily, Linda failed to convey that information to at least one of her fellow groomers, a particularly perky young thing barely out of high school. Said groomer, (understandably) beguiled by my big floppy ears and expressive almond eyes, decided to pop right over to my grooming table and give me a hug and a kiss. Well, it’s not like I actually bit her or anything--I did not. But I did let her know, in no uncertain terms, that she was not a member of that inner circle who is allowed to kiss His Dextrousity right on the nose any old time she or he feels like it. (In point of fact, that circle consists pretty much entirely of the biped, who (alas) shows very little inclination to kiss me on the nose.) Apparently, though, there were no hard feelings. Linda, in fact, seemed to think the whole thing was pretty funny. And we scheduled my next appointment on our way out, so I am apparently not dogona non grata at the local PetSmart.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/559936 Thu, 12 Feb 2009 14:46:44 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/559936 Apparently, some people who frequent this space would rather hear silly cat stories, rendered in a l ... some people who frequent this space would rather hear silly cat stories, rendered in a laughable attempt at a French accent, than the true, genuine, authentic, and deeply moving chronicles of yours truly. And when I say authentic, by the way, I know whereof I speak. Certainly, you know that I myself am a dog of Scottish descent. And I believe I may have mentioned recently that my verra biped is an illegitimate descendant of Lenny the Bruce himself. What? Oh, yes. Robert the Bruce. Either way, we're all very proud of the bastard, I'm sure. But be that as it may or might not, if you are just looking for some mind-numbingly frivolous light entertainment of the Gallic variety, then I am verra much afraid you have come to the wrong place, Lass.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/559515 Wed, 11 Feb 2009 10:50:41 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/559515 Apparently, I am so damn smart, I speak Norwegian in my sleep. Or so the biped tells me. It seem ... nei--Norwegian for no--over and over in a tone of voice suggestive of a mild reprimand to a pet or small child. She just kept saying it, at evenly spaced intervals, for the longest time, he tells me: Nei!... nei!... nei!... To whom, the biped wondered, was she speaking? And why was she speaking Norwegian? After a while, he noticed that the bipedess' pronunciation of nei was getting a little ragged toward the end, more of a neing... neinnng... neingsxxxxxxxxx... It was at that point that the biped fully awoke and realized (1) that it was I, rather than the bipedess, who was speaking, and (2) that I was not so much saying nei as I was snoring with a slightly herring-tinged accent. His outspoken praise for my linguistic versatility woke me up, so he had to get up and let me outside. The bipedess had to get up early this morning anyway to teach a class. So we all got a bright and early start on our day. Or dag, as we Norwegians like to say.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/558012 Sat, 7 Feb 2009 14:07:15 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/558012 ...Dr. Dexter, Language Dog! Actual quote from Friday's "Road Test" column by syndicated automoti ... Dr. Dexter, Language Dog! Actual quote from Friday's "Road Test" column by syndicated automotive journalist Ann M. Job: Downshift the six-speed manual transmission, and feel the torque jettison the car forward. At the risk of stepping on the toes of Capt'n Dexter, Salty Nautical Dog, I must tell you that jettisoning things forward is almost always a bad idea. If you are on a sailboat, you should generally jettison things--if you jettison them at all--to leeward (pronounced lurid). On a power boat--"stinkpot" to all you true sailors out there--you can jettison things either to lurid or aft. But, no matter what sort of vessel you're in (including, presumably, the 2009 Honda Civic Si sedan), jettisoning things forward while underway will almost invariably result in a nasty surprise, as said things are blown back in your face. So, either Ms. Job is no kind of sailor at all, or, she hasn't the foggiest idea what jettison means. I'm willing to give her the benefit of the doubt and go with whichever she finds less embarrassing. From an on-line koi fanciers forum dealing with the inadvisability of purchasing your koi at PetSmart: One of the fish I bought at PetSmart was pretty laconic for several days, but he recovered fine later on. Unless you own a specimen of the illusive and possibly mythical Norwegian Blue, I'm guessing all your koi are pretty laconic pretty much all the time. We've had ours for months now, and not one of them has said a damn thing. Not even when waterboarded.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/558003 Sat, 7 Feb 2009 13:47:01 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/558003 Apparently, I've got more clout with Saint Dexeter than I thought. Or Saint Dexeter has more pull w ... something. Because, no sooner had I complained yesterday about the ridiculously piffling rain we'd been getting, than the heavens opened and let forth a deluge, a downpour, a veritable gully washer. It went on, with varying degrees of intensity, all day and well into the night. I was impressed. Mostly with myself, but still... I was also a bit worried that my Saturday morning hike might be jeopardized. The forecast called for more rain this morning. Last night, the biped said we'll just have to wait and see. Then, Lo and Behold, this morning dawned clear and beautiful--sparklin' weather, sparklin'! And, to pile one miracle on top of another, the bipedess actually got up with us at 0-dark-thirty this morning and came along on our hike with us, a thing I'm pretty sure you will find previously unchronicled in the entire chronicles of Saint Dexeter and me, his current representative here on Earth.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/557629 Fri, 6 Feb 2009 11:18:25 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/557629 Rain no doubt has its place. I'm not saying it doesn't. And its place is, I believe, Oregon. Poss ... probably even use some in California, I'm told. But this just fries my arf. For two days now, it's been just rainy enough to keep every exterior surface, including our entire yard, wet to the touch, just rainy enough to turn any exposed dirt to sticky slimy mud, without being rainy enough to do anybody any conceivable good. The reservoirs are not filling. The snow pack is not accumulating. There are no entertaining downpours or thunder storms. Just dreary useless wet. It's enough to make an otherwise active dog want to spend all day inside lying (not laying, dammit!) by the fire. Except that it's not cold enough to have a fire. It's not even cold enough for the biped to be comfortable wearing a sweatshirt when he walks me. Nor quite warm enough for him to be comfortable in a T-shirt. This is just way too much of neither one thing nor the other. Let's have some weather, by God! Maybe even a season or two. It would make for a nice change of pace.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/555482 Sat, 31 Jan 2009 15:42:12 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/555482 I feel that I finally came into my own this morning as a bird dog. I don't point. I don't retrieve ... hate that, ladies?). I don't tend to do much of anything about birds except chase their shadows. But this morning at Garland Park, there was a great blue heron, just standing there on the far side of the Mesa pond, taunting me with his very existence. For all I knew, that very heron might have been best buddies with the putative snowy egret who may or may not have terrorized my little fishy friends a couple of weeks ago. Well, I wasn’t having any of it. Enough is enough, and I yam what I yam, and all that. I dashed around the pond at full lope, and scared that great blue bugger right into the top of a nearby tree. Let's just see him and his egret homies bully Koi-Tron and Barry and the Boyz from up there. snort]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/554285 Wed, 28 Jan 2009 09:02:18 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/554285 One week ago tomorrow, as the biped's hoity-toity facebook friends will already know, we awoke to fi ... caused the demise of the furnace. The biped got the basement pumped out, and the plumber got the water heater replaced, that same day. Someone would be around on Friday, we were told, to take a look at the furnace. No problem, the biped said; this is, after all, California, where even the rain is warm. And it was, too. Last week. But the furnace needed a circuit board that had to be ordered, no doubt from China, who, for a change, wanted its money up front or something. Whatever. The circuit board is only this morning getting installed and the furnace--one hopes--restored to working order. In the interim, the rain stopped, and the cold set in. All right, we are talking California cold here. I know I won't get a lot of sympathy from my pals in the uninhabitable parts of the country. But still. The outside temperature has gotten down to 32 degrees or below the last couple of nights. The inside temperature this morning was 54 degrees. Which I mention only because I'm pretty sure my contrak calls for a heated dormitory. If this keeps up, I may have to seek other employment. Oh, yeah: Phoebe delenda est.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/551665 Wed, 21 Jan 2009 08:46:40 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/551665 BEGIN FREDISM If I didn’t dribble dry dog food from my bowl in the kitchen, through the TV room, ... worst sort of cad would suggest that the First Lady was ill served by the designer of her ball gown, or that she looked anything other than svelte in it. Or that she might want to ask the President to have the designer extraordinarily rendered to Paraguay or something.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/550874 Mon, 19 Jan 2009 09:06:31 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/550874 Ah, yoot! What wouldn't I give to be so vain and gullible again? Well, now that I think about it, ... is a difference, though I will freely admit it is sometimes difficult to discern.) I've decided she's got to go. So I told her she is really the queen of France. Upon reflection, she found that quite plausible, apparently. Once she has learned to use the cat door, I have offered to kindly point her toward her kingdom (and give her a nice kick in the arse to get her started, too!). Now if only I can somehow get the bipeds to speed up their cat-door training program.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/550248 Sat, 17 Jan 2009 11:37:59 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/550248 We've been having unseasonably pleasant weather here in Greater Metropolitan Spreckels the last few ... always stand behind our corporate slogan: Better Living Through Duplicity. Thank you.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/549629 Thu, 15 Jan 2009 12:15:36 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/549629 First, I find out that Phoebe, the vile beast, is merely trying to use me--Me, the Rev. Chairman Dr. ... use me--Me, the Rev. Chairman Dr. Dexter, DBS--to further her own nepotistic schemes (or do I mean rastafarious?). It's not like I can't read, you know, you stupid, evil... cat you. (Damn, she's cute!) And then, the nose-slicing, back-stabbing little puff ball scores Diary of the Day on Catster. In her first arfing week, for Dog's sake. Can a black dog get no justice in this tabby cat's world? (Don't bother; it's a retrospeculative question to which I already know the answer all too well, alas.) And if all that were not enough, some pin-feather-shedding snowy egret has been interfering with my pet koi! The day before yesterday, my bipedal assistant assures me, all nine koi were present at lunch time for their regular feeding. (Usage Note: The correct phrase is "present or accounted for," not "present and accounted for." If everyone is present, there is no need to account for anyone. If eight koi were present, and you knew the other one was at the dentist, you could then say that they were all present or accounted for. Since they were all, in fact, present, we can just leave it at that.) Then yesterday, when the biped went out to feed them, there was no sign of them at all. Not so much as a fishy little nose peaking out from under their flat-rock shelter. Then the biped saw a largish white pin feather floating on the water, and the scales fell from his eyes. He was very much afraid that the egret--for it could not have been a heron--had eaten all our little fish buddies. But last night, after dark, when the pond lights were on, we saw at least eight of them out and about, grazing nervously whilst looking over their metaphysical shoulders as it were. The biped was hoping they might have calmed down by lunch time today, and he'd be able to get an accurate head count. But no; they are just as scarce today as they were yesterday. Our pond consultant says fish may stay frightened for as much as four weeks after a bird attack. So now, I don't even get to contemplate (or count) koi while licking the psychic wounds that the felonious little feline has inflicted upon me. My life is so hard!]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/548954 Tue, 13 Jan 2009 14:50:12 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/548954 Phoebe--the precocious little beast!--wants to sleep with me! I explained to her that she is far to ... at least 25 pounds. What? Six or eight pounds, max? You're sure? Well, spit! That puts a somewhat different complexion on the thing. Perhaps I should start focusing my 15-watt laser-like intellect on mastering the technology of the door knob. And then, of course, I'll need night-vision goggles.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/548611 Mon, 12 Jan 2009 14:57:40 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/548611 ...that the background color on Catster resembles nothing so much as cat vomit? I'm just sayin'.. ... http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/547582 Fri, 9 Jan 2009 08:47:42 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/547582 ...just for a little pussy cat. When Phoebe was first introduced into our household, an impartial ... pursue; rather, I follow. A supplicant. Sometimes, she will suffer me to touch noses with her. Other times, for no reason at all--no sane reason at all, I tell you--the little vixen hisses and spits at me! It's enough to drive a dog crazy. But she's just so damn cute!]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/546959 Wed, 7 Jan 2009 11:07:11 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/546959 We are getting used to each other, Phoebe and I. When I enter the room, she still tends to reme ... urgent business. I still tend to make a detour in her general direction. But I'm not in a big hurry, and I'm not all aquiver. It's more of a pro forma sort of thing. If I am remembering my Latin correctly. She seems like a sensible sort of cat, really. For a kitten, I mean. She is, like me, brave, but not crazy brave. If the shortest distance between her and her hidey-hole of choice involves moving towards me before she can move away, that's what she does. She will advance upon me in a cautious, non-threatening sort of way, hissing like a dewhistled tea kettle. Then she will make her move for cover. I scarcely even respond anymore. Last night, after the bipedess had gone to bed (to warm it up, she said; as if, the biped said), the biped was watching a documentary of some sort about Tom Petty. I was asleep on the floor, right in front of the entertainment center cabinet, wherein Phoebe was lurking. Presently, she came out the back of the cabinet, marched right around my sleeping head, and hopped into the biped's lap. Where she promptly went to sleep. Yes, we are all getting quite comfortable with each other. (Or is that one another, Miss Rutherford?)]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/546001 Sun, 4 Jan 2009 16:34:00 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/546001 ...You make my heart sing. Well, no. That is probably an exoneration. But she does make me sh ... does make me shake like a dog spittin' peach pits. Twice yesterday, and once so far today, I have been led into the very presence of the Phoebe. I have been made to lie down and stay. But I have not been made--cannot be made--not to shiver with anticipatory delight. I was so excited yesterday afternoon that I could not even be made to notice the bits of string cheese the biped was trying to give me for being such a good dog. I only had eyes for her. The biped kept me in a sit-stay until young Phoebe had staged a tactical retreat into the entertainment center cabinet. Then I was allowed to go investigate. I stopped shivering and walked across the room quite calmly. I inserted my magnificent (and not remotely threatening) muzzle into the front of the cabinet. At that point, a hissing fur ball of the approximate mass and color of the Phoebe disappeared through the open back of the cabinet into the corner, whence she could not be persuaded to re-emerge. Still, I think we are making progress. I remain moonstruck.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/545388 Fri, 2 Jan 2009 20:15:57 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/545388 The moon, like a flower In heaven's high bower, With silent delight Sits and smiles on the night ... The moon, like a flower In heaven's high bower, With silent delight Sits and smiles on the night -William Blake The wee beastie has taken up residence. Its name is Phoebe. I have not actually seen it yet. But I have smelled its presence. And its goods and chattels, too. I have been led, leashed, into its very lair and made to lie down all docile-like, that it might meet me if it chose. But it did not. Choose to meet me, I mean. Rather, it remained in hiding behind the entertainment center. I have a feeling this is going to be a long courtship... er... catship. The biped assures me that Phoebe is quite cute--a delectable little morsel. Worth the wait, no doubt.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/544471 Wed, 31 Dec 2008 17:07:18 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/544471 Oregon was a dead bust. Rained the whole time we were there. Never got a hike, barely even a walk. ... much better now.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/543656 Mon, 29 Dec 2008 16:48:23 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/543656 But this is ridiculous. The whole state is already a damn swamp, and it just keeps raining. We'r ... http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/543207 Sun, 28 Dec 2008 11:56:25 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/543207 Well, here we are in Oregon. It's raining. Hard. Harder. Hardest. The drains backed up this mor ... My toilet never overflows. Plumbers work cheap in Oregon, even on Sundays. That's something. I have a feeling we'll be back home soon.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/542205 Thu, 25 Dec 2008 13:01:22 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/542205 I think I may have mentioned to you that the bipedess was contemplating acquiring a kitten. I was g ... Casablanca, I was misinformed. Range Master and Laura Lark came over last night to share in the Christmas Eve festivities, spend the night, and be here for Christmas morning. Well, one of the Christmas Eve festivities around here is the opening of one gift by each participant. None of the presents under the tree either smelled or sounded the least bit like a kitten, so I was completely blindsided when the bipedess opened a flattish little present from RM & LL and withdrew therefrom a sort of dossier, if that is the word, providing all the particulars of the kitten that had already been acquired for her from the local humane society! Evidently, said kitten has to have a superfluous part or two removed before she will be ready for actual delivery, so the timing works out just fine. For the bipedess, maybe. And, just to add insult to injury, I discovered this morning that the biped had been in on the scam all along. Why else would he have bought the bipedess a SpotBot? Apparently, he got the idea for that little gift item last summer in Allen, TX, when I did just the tiniest bit of marking at Izzy and Maxwell’s house, and Abby whipped out her ever-ready SpotBot to vacate my claim, as it were. Thanks, guys.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/541791 Wed, 24 Dec 2008 11:10:42 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/541791 (No, this is not the "picket to Tittsburgh" joke!) Two days ago, we received in the mail a large ... not the "picket to Tittsburgh" joke!) Two days ago, we received in the mail a large cardboard box from the Senior and Mrs. Bipup in Hatsboro, PA, where they now reside, alas. Since the box itself was not festively wrapped, the biped immediately deduced that it would be permissible to open it. Which he did. At first glance, it appeared to be full of biodegradable foam peanuts. Which is all very environmentally responsible and whatnot, but hardly worth shipping coast to coast. Twice (I immediately recognized these as the self-same foam peanuts the biped had used to ship Christmas gifts to Hatsboro a couple of weeks ago--biodegradable and recycled. Doesn't it just warm the cockles of your little heart?) But just a little rummaging around in the peanuts revealed festively wrapped presents. One each for the biped, the bipedess, the junior bipup (aka Range Master), and his faithful companion, Laura Lark. Well, fine. I was happy for them. Truly. In a ho-hum, what's-in-it-for-me kind of way. But then, from the very bowels of the box, the biped produced a ginormous candy-cane shaped, multi-hued, rawhide chew stout enough to bludgeon a Jack Russell terrier into some semblance of civility (though that would be wrong, of course). This wondrous Staff of Stuff was in its original store packaging, but was not gift wrapped, so the biped figured that I--given particularly that I am quite unaware of having committed any sins that anybody else might need to be nailed up for--might as well have it right away. So he gave it to me. I took it with all the awe and reverence such an object inspires. I waited for the biped to avert his eyes. Then I placed it on the seat of honor on my throw pillow on the TV room floor. Where I left it in complete peace until the next morning--yesterday morning, that is. The thing is, I don't chew things. I just don't. I probably wouldn't have to have my teeth cleaned so damn often if I did. But I don't. I do recognize an Object of Power when I see it, though. And that candy-cane rawhide chew is clearly an Object of Power. So, yesterday morning, when the biped made as if to let me outside, I first dashed into the TV room and retrieved my Object. I then strode proudly out the front door, brandishing it like a field marshal's baton. As soon as the biped closed the door behind me, I put the Object down on the porch and went about my business. The biped tells me I'm an odd sort of dog. Oh, Merry Christmas, by the way. And if that's not your holiday of choice, please feel perfectly free to go to work tomorrow--I'm not narrow minded.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/540935 Mon, 22 Dec 2008 09:45:44 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/540935 and I have it on good authority that they can--you'd think they could make edible curtains. And if ... Rajah Q., would not be undergoing all the veterinary indignities he is now being forced to undergo. So, there's one product idea, free for the filching. Here's another: Inedible curtains. You know, like stainless steel chain mail, something along those lines. I mean, if a dog can't digest it, let's fix it so he can't arfing well swallow it, either. I, myself, in my carefree youth, was known to eat the occasional rock--easy to swallow, very hard to digest. In my opinion, all rocks should be either too big to swallow, or made out of peanut butter (or possibly beef bullion cubes). But I digress. My point is, people (and you will note, it is always people, never dogs!) who make things out of such ambivalent materials as fabric, for Dog's sake, should probably be sued until their little sinuses bleed. But in the mean time, let's all spare a thought for poor Rajah, Nali, and Casey.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/540535 Sun, 21 Dec 2008 10:05:13 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/540535 Note to bipedess: In the unfortunate--and, one hopes, unlikely--event that I am ever shot and lie ... not sing me a show tune. If you do, I will bite you. If it's my last arfing act on earth.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/540255 Sat, 20 Dec 2008 11:23:09 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/540255 When I say that I am a conservative sort of dog, I am not making a political statement. I am not a ... supposed to work on Saturday mornings: The biped and I are supposed to get up around sixish, leaving the bipedess to sleep in until half past later than you probably think. The biped is supposed to let me out the back door to take care of my twa-lette. While I am thus occupied, he is supposed to get dressed in his dog-hiking outfit. At no later than six-thirty-ish, he is supposed to come around the side of the house, let me into the front yard, and load me into the morning's chosen vehicle, which, this time of year, tends to be the Forester. Then, we are supposed to hot foot it over to Garland Park and have our weekly hike. Here is what happened last Saturday morning: Six o'clock came and went. Seven o'clock came and went. Around seven-thirty or so the biped coughed his way out of bed. He did not put on his dog-hiking outfit. He did not arfing well take me for a hike. Ever. At all. Then, in the afternoon, when he might at least have been expected to take me for a walk around town, he and the bipedess went off to see possibly the worst movie ever made about Australia, World War II, and cattle driving, all rolled into one enormously boring three-hour package. Here is what happened this morning: The biped--whose bladder, apparently, ain't the organ it once was--got up at five-thirty. He let me out back into the sub-freezing dark. He fiddle-arfed around checking his email and keeping a sharp eye out for the morning paper, whilst I shivered in the back yard. Reflecting upon the fact that we weren't going to leave for Garland Park until at least six-thirty, he decided to let me back into the house. Well, that was just wrong. It's supposed to be back yard, side yard, car, Garland Park. Not back yard, inside, watch him read the paper, front yard, wait, then car, Garland Park. It was almost enough to make me question my faith in... no, wait... never mind. But we did go to Garland Park this morning. And I had a great time. It was 32 degrees and clear. The sandy soil was all frozen and crunchy. We had the place pretty much all to ourselves (us and the mountain lions, presumably). We got up to the Mesa Pond just as the sun came over the hills, so that the biped's shadow--never very long metaphorically--was cast clear across the pond to the far hillside. The grass on the Mesa was golden in the morning light and sparkly with ice. Oh, and I managed to get out of the biped's sight for long enough to roll in some really fresh horse spit, without his even noticing it until he was grooming me after the hike. Quite a satisfactory morning, even if it did get off to a disquieting start.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/538884 Tue, 16 Dec 2008 09:55:04 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/538884 I don't like to brag, Littermates, but sometimes I'm so good I amaze even myself. Earlier this mo ... awesome?) truth hit him. Right in both nostrils. Now, as my Canadian friend, Eli, can attest, I have never had any trouble clearing a room of bipeds. But this one was so rank, I had to leave the room myself. And I'm a dog who likes to eat his own spit, given the opportunity. Maybe I should audition for American Idol.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/537870 Sat, 13 Dec 2008 12:08:11 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/537870 From: The Biped To: Barry T. Koi Subject: RE: Foodworthiness Dear Barry, As I have st ... From: The Biped To: Barry T. Koi Subject: RE: Foodworthiness Dear Barry, As I have stopped taking Theraflu at night (at least for the time being), I do not expect to be having any further exchange of emails with you. So please pay attention--I will only be saying this once. You are a very pretty fish. In a sloppy, inebriated, tranny sort of way--Liza Minelli on a bender does a better job with her lipstick, frankly. But you are not my chosen one or Best Beloved. You are one $5.99 pond-quality koi in a pond full of $5.99 pond-quality koi. Get over yourself. Or I will be forced to rat you out to Koi-Tron. And nobody wants to see that. Sincerely, He Who controls the garden hose]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/537610 Fri, 12 Dec 2008 12:04:55 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/537610 To: Thou Who art perpetually above all surface tension From: Barry T. (Chosen) Koi Subject: ... To: Thou Who art perpetually above all surface tension From: Barry T. (Chosen) Koi Subject: Foodworthiness I am the prettiest fish, Lord, and most worthy. I have shiny silver scales and orange lipstick. I have silver eye shadow and black stripy fins. I am the best one, Lord, and most worthy. My brother, Valdez, is plain, and unworthy. Laverne and Shirley are mere non-fishities. Cassy is a big fat slut, unfit to feed herons, Lord. (If you don’t mind my saying so.) I am the best one, Lord, and send you supplicatory emails of the highest praise. Only I. Koi-Tron sends no emails to you, Lord. Koi-Tron is a fool! (But you will not tell him, Lord, that I said so? I pray you will not!) Eric and Wally and Bob look more like sardines than proper koi, Lord. Let them eat planktonic algae, Thy will be done! So I entreat Thee, Lord, to drop more of Thy beneficent food pellets over Thy humble servant's beauteous barbels. Pond without end. Amen.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/536912 Wed, 10 Dec 2008 09:51:36 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/536912 Well, it appears that I will not be sharing my accommodations with a puppy any time soon. It turns ... principle, never mind that, in my experience, I am as likely to get humped by a neutered male (yes, Maxwell, I am talking about you) as I am to hump a spayed female (we'll always have Billings, Nali, Sweetheart). Anyway, it's a relief to me, really. And I don't think the biped is actually all that disappointed, either, if the truth be told. But, you know, he is the biped. So he's going around muttering about his new theory that breed-specific rescue groups actually promote puppy mills by Hoovering up all the in-demand breeds that might otherwise be found at local shelters and then putting silly obstacle after silly obstacle in the way of anyone who might have the effrontery to try to adopt from them. And, of course, they go to great trouble and expense to Hoover up their chosen breed (this litter of Labs had come all the way from Georgia, I believe), so they demand some fairly stiff adoption fees, even if they do condescend to let you borrow one of their dogs. But, hey... I don't have to share my digs with any damn puppy, so I'm fine with it. What? A kitten? Sez who? Spit! I have just been informed that the bipedess is dead set on acquiring a kitten. And I don't think she's talking about one of those feeder kittens, either.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/536194 Mon, 8 Dec 2008 10:12:56 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/536194 Yesterday afternoon, the bipeds disappeared for a couple of hours. Nothing particularly unusual abo ... reeked of puppies! Lab puppies. Seven of them, unless I am very much mistook. Based on the olfactory information I was able to tease out of their pant legs, they had been off inspecting a litter of seven six-week old Lab puppies, two black and five yellow. They had lavished the most attention on a yellow bitch wearing a pink ribbon around her neck. (Yes, I am that good!) What I cannot smell out is their exact intentions relative to this little hussy. (Well, yes, of course their intentions are honorable (honorabler than mine, anyway)). But the question is, are they out to replace me, or merely to supplement me? I cannot say that I would be unalterably opposed (though I do expect to remain unaltered!) to the introduction into the household of an emergency backup bitch of some sort. A bench warmer, as it were. Maybe somebody to humor the biped about this whole fetch fetish of his. But if they think they can replace the Reverend Chairman Dr. Dexter, DBS with some common street urchin of a Lab brat... if they think they can pee on my head and tell me it's raining... well then, we'll just see whose hiking boots get crapped in by whom (and upon whom the deed gets blamed, ho, ho, arfing ho!).]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/535585 Sat, 6 Dec 2008 13:41:40 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/535585 The biped tells me that I have just been strategically wormed (or is that dewormed?). Either way, i ... dewormed?). Either way, it tasted to me like I was getting strategically string-cheese balled, which works for me.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/535194 Fri, 5 Dec 2008 10:35:50 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/535194 I have recently (and deservedly) been taken to task for the ever longer lacunae that have been appea ... his boat--he has, after all, been a reasonably good companion biped these last five years. But he doesn't even appear to be enjoying himself much, so what, I ax you, is the point? Well, Dexter, I did just this morning, succeed in making contact with an old high school friend I hadn't seen in almost 20 years. As I was saying... What's the arfing point? I mean, it's not like they were real close, is it? And tracking down people who have shown no particular interest in tracking you down for 20 years or so could, to those not fully alive to the many benefits of facebook, conceivably look just the tiniest bit like stalking. So I am going to attempt to reassert myself here. In the latest news about moi: 1. My leg feels just fine, thanks. 2. Uh... Well, OK, maybe it is not entirely the biped's fault. Maybe I've lost my edge. Maybe I'm bored spitless. Walk, walk, walk, walk, walk, walk, hike. Drink pond water. Sleep. Repeat. I mean, it's not a long ride in a sidecar rig, is it? You know who I haven't seen in a long time? Spiny Norma.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/533673 Sun, 30 Nov 2008 20:41:24 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/533673 ...I rested. And not because the biped was lazy, either (though he is!). But because I appear to ... http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/533175 Sat, 29 Nov 2008 10:17:33 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/533175 I thought you might like a copy of the bipedess' holiday rosé recipe. You will need: 8 bottles ... You will need: 8 bottles of Pinot Grigio 4 bottles of Syrah 21 diners 1 plastic funnel Directions: Have guests open all 12 bottles of wine. Have guests drink most of the contents of every bottle, being careful to leave several bottles only partially consumed. Later that evening, use plastic funnel to combine contents of partially consumed bottles. In a fit of myopic fatigue, combine 1/3 bottle of Syrah with 1/2 bottle of Pinot Grigio. Produces a pleasing little rosé with the full body of a peanut and a syrahous bad attitude.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/532920 Fri, 28 Nov 2008 12:20:12 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/532920 Is it customary in your neck of the woods, Littermates, to lock the guest of honor in the back yard ... I thought it was strange, too. But, apparently there was some concern that I might spill the gravy or eat the Spanish guests' children or something. So I was put out back before the first guests arrived and kept there until most of them had departed. On the plus side, I did get a lot of interesting food: bird guts, gravy, turkey skin... While we are on the subject of turkey skin, let me just say, as an aside, that--friendly, easy going, non-food-aggressive dog though I may normally be--you do not want to be in the same room with me and a big hunk of turkey skin. It's mine, you see. All of it. And, even if you are not disputing that point, you had best keep your distance. ...Now then, where was I? I believe you were finished, Dexter. Oh.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/532548 Thu, 27 Nov 2008 09:51:17 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/532548 From the Monterey County Herald, Thursday, November 27, 2008: Women make up 77 percent of company ... Women make up 77 percent of company shareholders at the Mann Packing Company. One wonders if some of them at least were not laboring under a misapprehension as to the actual nature of the enterprise.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/532527 Thu, 27 Nov 2008 08:46:45 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/532527 My actual birthday was a little over two weeks ago. No local notice whatso-arfing-ever was taken of ... actual birthday was a little over two weeks ago. No local notice whatso-arfing-ever was taken of it at the time--though many of you did send your salutations, and I appreciate it, truly I do. I had begun to think, though, that the bipeds had genuinely forgotten about me. But it turns out that the celebration simply had to be postponed until such time as the maximum number of celebrants could align their social calendars. And that time would be today, apparently. Apart from the early rising bipeds themselves, no one is here yet but the senior and Mrs. Bipup, and they are still soundly asleep in the bipup's reconstituted upstairs bedroom. One presumes, at least, that they are asleep--I do not inquire closely into these matters. It's not that I'm discreet; it's just that I'm incurious. But the dining room is cram packed with place settings for a number of people that I, myself, can only describe as several, but which, the biped assures me, is in actual fact 21. And I'm sure we'll all have a gay old time when they arrive, too. But I've already got a belly full of soggy kibble, cooked turkey innards, and broth. I am a provisionally happy dog. On another matter altogether, the biped has been instructed by one of his pals--who claimed, by the way, to be quoting me--he has been instructed, I say, to blow it out his vent. Why, exactly, I do not know--as I've said, I am, after the fashion of my breed, pleasingly incurious. Still, I am more than willing to instruct him on the actual procedure--I may be incurious, but I am always eager to help. The biped, however, is not cooperating. He won't even go out in the yard with me and try. Maybe this evening when he's all liquored up.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/530076 Thu, 20 Nov 2008 12:43:05 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/530076 Like Natalee Holloway, Larry the Loner is officially listed as missing. If I am to be brutally fran ... missing. If I am to be brutally frank with you, though, Littermates, I would have to say that I do not really expect either one of them to turn up. Not only does koi count after koi count tally only nine fishies, we are now able, the biped and I, to recognize the individual fish and are therefore able to assert with great confidence that Larry the Loner is not being swapped in off the bench, as it were. There simply is no Larry the Loner in the pond. Not in his fleshly form, anyway. Some time ago, before we had come to know the little lungless wonders by name, the biped spotted a fish floating listlessly just above the bottom of the pond. So listless was this fish, in fact, that the biped decided that he must be dead. When the biped tried to net his little corpus out, however, said fish swam vigorously away. Our current operating theory is that that was Larry the Loner, that he was unwell, and that he has since died and been eaten by his grieving brethren (and sisteren!). In case you are interested, here is the roster of the nine koi who have not so far been eaten by anything at all: Koi-Tron Sterling (formerly Metallica) Valdez (formerly Oil Spill) Bob Marley (formerly One-Eyed Bob) Momma Cass (formerly Cassiopeia—This young lady has gotten so fat she fairly waddles when she swims.) Eric Erich (formerly Erik) Laverne (formerly unnamed) Shirley (formerly unnamed—Shirley is the current runt, but she seems healthy enough.)]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/529275 Tue, 18 Nov 2008 08:22:30 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/529275 A question has arisen as to whether or not I can tell the difference between a herring and a heron. ... Yes I can! -Rev. Chairman Dr. Dexter, DBS, Secretary Designate of Vacuous Slogans]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/528821 Mon, 17 Nov 2008 08:10:09 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/528821 I have encountered several great blue herrings over the years on my Garland Park hikes. So, 1) I kn ... him. Biped: Dexter, I can't pet you if I can't reach you, you know. Dexter: Biped: All right, you little prick! Just sit there and stare. See if I care! Dexter: [approaches, puts very wet muzzle on biped's knee and presses down while continuing to stare beseechingly] Biped: What the hell do you want, Dexter? You've just eaten. You've just drunk half the damn pond. You're already outside. What??? Dexter: Biped: All right! That's it, you little cretin! You're out of here! At which point, he hustled me off the deck and closed the gate behind me. So... If you happen to be a great blue herring hankering after a little koi fry, give me a buzz: (831) 555-1212. Just ax for Dexter.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/527833 Fri, 14 Nov 2008 15:58:40 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/527833 The biped, as at least a minimal human being and an American citizen in reasonably good standing, ha ... like to assemble. He would, in fact, often be willing to pay good money to be excused from assembling. Oh, he can do it, in a pinch. But he'd really rather not, thanks. So, what's the problem, you may well ax? Well, apparently, the poor boy feels he's being unconstitutionally discriminated against. Dexter: But, Boss, don't you have the same right to assemble as everybody else? Biped: Yes, Dexter, but that's not the point. The point is, I have no use for the right to assemble. So, effectively, gregarious people have one more right than I do, which is just plain wrong. Dexter: Up to a point, Lord Cop... I mean, I guess that is one way of looking at it, Boss. What's to be done? Biped: People who feel like I do about assemblies should have the right to disassemble. Dexter: But, surely, Boss, no one is making you assemble? Biped: You don't understand, Dexter. I'm not talking about the right not to assemble. I'm talking about the right to disassemble. We want the right to disassemble, and we want it now! By golly! Dexter: Well, but, Boss, who would you be wanting to disassemble? Biped: Well, I don't know, Dexter. Maybe nobody. Maybe the neighbor kids, for a start. I'm sure there are lots of people who could use some serious disassembling. Well, I couldn't argue with him there, really. But I did, anyway. Dexter: Well, Boss, granted I am not an expert on constitutional law. But I don't think that's how it works. I don't think the fact that you have no use for a particular right entitles you to make up a new right to suit yourself. Biped: Careful, Dexter! That kind of hateful talk could cost you your job, your reputation, and most of your best friends. Dexter: You mean those of my best friends who do not believe in discriminating between an honest but contrary opinion and blatant disgregaraphobia? Biped: Those would be the ones.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/527371 Thu, 13 Nov 2008 10:54:12 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/527371 It seems that, no sooner do you give a fish a classy and feminine name than she starts... well... fa ... farting in the pond. Not audibly, mind you (except, perhaps, to the other koi). But quite visibly. The biped is contemplating renaming Cassiopeia Toots. I'm certainly glad I don't fart. Aren't you, Eli?]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/527104 Wed, 12 Nov 2008 15:09:32 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/527104 You can add Cassiopeia to the list of named koi. It's kind of pretentious, but One-Eyed Bob and the ... Cassiopeia to the list of named koi. It's kind of pretentious, but One-Eyed Bob and the two Ericks keep her grounded.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/526968 Wed, 12 Nov 2008 09:02:44 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/526968 I am five years old today. And I am without a date for my party (as if). My recent playdate, C ... if). My recent playdate, Caylee, with whom I was considering slipping out behind her chaperone's back, has been unceremoniously packed off to her breeder (she is now a two-time looser) on account of an attempted murder she perpetrated Monday evening in what we had all believed was to be her permanent home. Apparently, she was playing indoor fetch with Felix, when old deaf Mitzie, a mutt roughly the size of a guinea pig, wandered into her path. Mitzie, startled, barked and snapped at Caylee. Whereupon, Caylee attacked Mitzie in earnest, causing several tears and punctures requiring urgent medical attention. Felix is convinced that, had he not intervened in a timely fashion, Caylee would actually have killed Mitzie--this was not, apparently, a mere bitch-barking contest. Well, it's a damn shame, of course. I like 'em feisty, but not quite that feisty. I mean, I'm no guinea pig of a dog, but I'm not looking for any body piercings, either. But maybe that's just the way the grrrls are in Portugal. One can only wish her well.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/526613 Tue, 11 Nov 2008 13:27:33 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/526613 Another question I have recently been axed is this: Dexter, apart from the infamous Koi-Tron, has ... Dexter, apart from the infamous Koi-Tron, has your idiot companion biped named any of the other koi? And the answer, I am somewhat chagrined to report, is Yes, he has. He has not yet come to recognize every one of them with sufficient accuracy to permit naming, but here is a list of the named ones so far: Koi-Tron One-eyed Bob (who, I’m sure you will be pleased to learn, has just as many eyes as the others) Metallica Oil Spill Eric Erik Larry the Loner That leaves three unnamed fish that are predominantly orange, with some white. Part of the problem with nailing down the last three names, apparently, is that the biped has no idea what Larry the Loner actually looks like. Larry the Loner is, by definition, that tenth fish that is almost never available to be counted. When he has been counted, it has always been under poor lighting conditions, and the biped has not been able to identify each fish, only count noses, so to speak. Larry the Loner could look a lot like any of the others except Koi-Tron--the biped is reasonably certain that there is only one Koi-Tron. Probably, Larry the Loner is another goldfish-looking fish, but we won't know for sure until we do.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/526030 Mon, 10 Nov 2008 08:56:07 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/526030 So, Dexter, I am frequently axed, How did your play date with Caylee go? Well, the short answer i ... So, Dexter, I am frequently axed, How did your play date with Caylee go? Well, the short answer is, it might have gone a lot better but for a certain overprotective chaperone who wouldn't give a dog a moment alone with the fetching young lady. And then, of course, there is the matter of the lady's age. It turns out that Caylee is not six. She may be seven. Or possibly eight. She and her companion bipeds were being a little coy about the whole subject. Now, I am not one to object to a delicately grizzled muzzle on a bitch. I may, for all I know, even find it provocative. As Siva and Jima and various other sadly now-deceased bitches can attest--gee, that might not sound so good at the trial, huh?--I am quite fond of older more experienced ladies. I just appreciate a modicum of candor about it, that's all. Anyway, because of the anxieties of the aforementioned but unnamed chaperone, Caylee and I had very little alone time together. What time we spent in each other's company under observation, we spent mostly studiously ignoring each other. Which is not to say there mayn't have been a certain je ne sais quoi in the air. Though that could have been the pot roast, I guess.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/525320 Sat, 8 Nov 2008 14:30:21 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/525320 Yesterday afternoon, the biped took me to the groomer at the local PetSmart. They've got an oldish ... useful breed. Well, I don't know about that. But I'm betting that my studly pheromones alone will render the poor thing all weak in the stifle. And then we'll just see who knows a thing or two about obsessive-compulsive behavior. (Please don't think badly of me, Nali. It's just that I'm here in Beautiful Downtown Spreckels, and you're... well, not.)]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/525003 Fri, 7 Nov 2008 17:44:48 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/525003 Apparently, koi, like crows, can count. Sometimes all the way up to nine. That, at least, is the b ... That's not quite what I said, Dexter. What I said was, I keep counting the koi, and I usually count nine. Oh. Well, I'm sure we're all pretty proud of you, Boss. I, myself, can't count much past... oh, several. So I'm sure it's quite an accomplishment that... No, Dexter. I can count past nine. But only if there are more than nine things to count. But I only saw nine koi. Uh huh. Your point being? But there are actually ten in the pond. Is what I'm saying. Is what you're saying then, is that you miscounted them? Well, I must say, Boss, that takes a little of the bloom off the rose, or the guilt off the Lily, or whatever it is. But still... you did, by golly, count all the way up to nine. And I, for one, commend you for it. I think you should probably consider yourself special. I did not miscount them, Dexter. And yet I know for a fact that there are ten of them in there. It's just that one of them--Larry the Loner, let's call him, for want of a better name--is forever eluding me! I see. Well, then, Boss... Shall I mix you up a nice gin and tonic? That would be lovely, Dexter. Thank you. How many ice cubes would you like in that, Boss? Several. Good choice, Boss.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/523837 Wed, 5 Nov 2008 09:16:50 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/523837 So, OK, I've been playing along with the biped on this whole Koi-Tron thing. He thinks it's funny. ... seen Koi-Tron or any of the other denizens of our pond. I frequently drink from the pond. The koi, according to the biped, are frequently in evidence. The koi sometimes--again, according to the biped--see me and scamper away with their little hearts all aflutter--if scamper can properly be used to describe piscine locomotion. But I had theretofore shown not the slightest indication of ever having noticed the slimey little darlings. But last night, we were all out on the deck, the bipeds and the junior bipup and I, and we had a nice fire going in the outdoor fireplace. It was dark out, and the underwater pond lights were on. These, the biped assures me, are the best circumstances under which to observe the koi--apparently, the outer darkness and the inner light turn the surface of the pond into one of those two-way (or is it one-way?) mirrors you're always seeing in interrogation rooms on Law and Order: Desperate Retreads--that is, we can see in, but the koi can't see out. So the koi are not spooked if a big black and tan dog approaches the shore of the pond preparatory to sticking his magnificent snout in for a nice cool slurp of pond water. They just continue to mill around right in front of the light, where even a pretty unobservant sort of dog could hardly fail to see them. Boss! Boss! Boss!, I endeavored to communicate, whilst river dancing with all four legs, There are fishes in our pond! Several of them! They’re all orange and black and silver and yellow and black and pearlescent white! Why haven’t you told me about this before? The biped just rolls his eyes--I can't see his eyes rolling in the dark, but I can hear them scraping against his eyelids. I stick my snout way into the water. My front paws are backpeddling at the edge of the deck like Wile E. Coyote right after he realizes he's just run off a cliff. At that point, the biped--killjoy!--decided to bamish me from the deck (but not forever). I didn't want to eat them, for Dog's sake; I just wanted to give them a friendly sniff, you know, welcome them to the gated family compound. The biped let me back in later, when the koi had mosied off to a darker corner of their little world. But we'll meet again, Koi-Tron. Don't think we won't.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/522569 Sun, 2 Nov 2008 08:18:46 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/522569 Time for a pond update, Littermates. Shortly after launching his pre-emptive inter-yard-inental b ... sounds better. These guys are good. The water is now fresh and clear. Appropriate water treatments have been added. The biped has been instructed--in writing--upon how to proceed to keep the water quality up. And Koi-Tron can no longer hide. Well, you know, except under the large flagstone provided for that very purpose. Or in any of the hundreds of little caves between the rocks that line the pond. But when he's out in the open water, you can by golly see him, as the biped and I did just this morning, right after our morning hot tub soak. (Yes, Littermates, it's a tough life here in Beautiful Downtown Spreckels.) Now if only we can avoid a retaliatory strike by the surviving disgruntled neighbors.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/522352 Sat, 1 Nov 2008 16:01:44 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/522352 There is no daylight left to save. The biped and I arrived at Garland Park at about twenty after ... was dark, by golly. Which was disconcerting enough, mountain-lion-wise. And then there was the weather: 65 degrees and heavily, tropically overcast. Not a hint of coolness to the air, even before dawn. At the parking lot, the air was pretty still. By the time we got up to the Mesa Pond, there was a pretty vigorous and gusty off-shore breeze. Earthquake weather, said the biped. Or possibly mounting lion weather--it's hard to say. Good one, Boss! I said, sidling up to him just a bit. While we were at the pond, a couple of bipedesses arrived in the company of a tiny terriorist of some sort. The wee beastie insisted on bitch barking me for two or three minutes. I barely gave her the satisfaction of noticing, apart from the subtlest little tickle of a growl, deep down in my studly throat. (That is, in fact, the growl you have to watch out for, Littermates.) Although I had lifted not so much as a dewclaw to harm their little princess, the bipedesses finally decided that, if courtesy was not necessarily the better part of hiking, discretion was, nevertheless, the better part of valor, and they took their little terriorist off with them. We never did get rained on during our hike. It has rained a bit this afternoon. But still nothing commensurate with the sense of meteorological doom that is in the air. Something wicked this way comes.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/521536 Thu, 30 Oct 2008 08:54:51 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/521536 Filet mignon and potato skins. For dinner last night, and breakfast this morning. Surely, today ... somebody's birthday?]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/521282 Wed, 29 Oct 2008 14:55:32 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/521282 The bacon cheeseburger was all gone. But the biped put the rest of the Chicken Alfredo in the botto ... her birthday. One can only hope the servings will be ample.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/521163 Wed, 29 Oct 2008 08:48:12 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/521163 Monday was the junior bipup's 24th birthday. The bipeds had undertaken to treat the pup and his mai ... some of them were not able to finish their dinners--perhaps it was guilt working on their appetites?--and they brought home doggie bags--doggie Styrofoam boxes, if we are to be entirely accurate. Well, I didn't get any of the goods last night, because, the biped "reasoned," I had finished off a pretty big bowl of food in their absence. What the hell else was I supposed to consume?--the Tanq was in the house. But for breakfast this morning, I had: half of a bacon cheeseburger with lettuce and tomato buried under a heaping helping of kibble, topped off with just a hint--or possibly it was an allegation--of the bipedess's sinfully garlicky Chicken Alfredo. I forgive them. Te absolve. Más Chicken Alfredo, por favor! Chop, chop!]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/520592 Mon, 27 Oct 2008 15:13:08 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/520592 Well, according to this morning's newpaper story, they do. Hm. Five testicles and not a central ... http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/520463 Mon, 27 Oct 2008 08:26:25 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/520463 I may, from time to time, have given you the entirely erogenous impression that our local newspaper, ... The Greater Metropolitan Spreckels Herald and Kitty Litter Liner, is not to be mistaken for a serious source of timely and important information. Certainly not a newspaper with the time, expertise, and depth to tackle hard science in a remotely credible way. Well, I am dog enough to report that my whole world view has just been shaken (not stirred) to its very foundations for the second time in less than a week. (The first time was when Ms. Nica Dee, the worldly-wisest womanly role model on all Facebook offered up her well reasoned presidential endorsement. But that is another matter entirely.) What has shaken me today is the Herald's front-page, above-the fold story on no less pressing a subject than... wait for it... sea urchin sperm. Which is not to be confused, apparently, with fruit-fly sperm, which can be up to 2½ inches long (do I hear a giant collective "Eeeeew!"?) Sea urchin sperm comes in different sizes, evidently. Which is important because... Well, never mind, it just is. If you're in the vicinity of the inner solar system, vote for sea urchin sperm!]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/519316 Thu, 23 Oct 2008 11:53:43 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/519316 ... I'd have puked on his other leg, too. Yesterday afternoon, the biped had to go into town on s ... Stay, Dexter--he apparently does not want me to follow him into the house. Which is probably just as well, because that last pile I scarfed down is backing up on me a bit. Just as the biped is stepping through the front door with his right foot, I am busy urping onto the back of his left pant leg and the side of his left shoe, and leaving quite a substantial load on the doormat as well. But here's the funny part: He doesn't arfing notice! Not right away, anyway. Apparently (I am able to reconstruct this later from anonymous eye-witness accounts)... apparently, I say, he's sitting in front of his computer a couple of minutes later when he notices the distinctive smell, not of dog vomit, but of dog spit in the room. He looks at the soles of each of his shoes and sees nothing. He thinks it must be his imagination. He tries to go about his business. But no, it is not his imagination; his office reeks of dog spit. He takes his shoes off, so as to get a better view of their bottoms. There is nothing on the bottom of either shoe. But then, finally, he notices a nasty yellowish brown fluid on the side of his left shoe. He figures out that he's been puked upon. Though he still cannot quite account for the interesting aroma of this particular puke. He rinses his left shoe off in the kitchen sink. Then he makes for the front porch, there to leave his shoes drying in the sun. When he opens the front door, he notices the great pile of dog puke on the doormat. He utters an oath of some sort, in which my name figures prominently. He takes the door mat out on the lawn and hoses it off. He goes in the house and puts on a different pair of shoes. He goes back to work. And yet... and yet... there is still the foul odor of dog spit in the room. His shoes are perfectly clean. He sees nothing on the floor to account for the odor. Then, and only then, does he chance to look at the back of his left pant leg. Turns out that, from the knee down, it's pretty well covered in Dexter puke. A change of pants and a few more oaths later, the biped and the junior bipup--whom he has invited over for the express purpose--are working manfully to unpack and move eleven hundred pounds of German-engineered concrete outdoor fireplace from its pallet on the front walk to the deck in the back yard. Fine with me. But I notice at some point that it's getting kind of late, and I have not been walked. I happen to know that the biped has been invited to Felix's house to play chess a bit later, so there is a limited window of opportunity. Just when I'm thinking the poor boy is going to have to skip dinner to walk me before he has to leave, what does he do but go have dinner! I hear him tell the bipedess I've had my exercise, and Dexter can arfing well do without this evening, the little prick! Well, we'll just see who's puking up whose pant leg the next time he needs my help moving concrete fireplaces!]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/518387 Mon, 20 Oct 2008 17:59:54 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/518387 I am lonely Russian girl whose late husband was finance minister of Nigeria and left me twenty-eight ... I am lonely Russian girl whose late husband was finance minister of Nigeria and left me twenty-eight hot throbbing inches of fine replica Swiss watches on deposit in hot steamy Zurich bank vault (wink, wink). If you will only please to help me withdraw them (oh, baby!), you will have twenty (wife will be very pleased, I am thinking), keeping only eight for my lonely self. Your immediate weight loss and fine time pieces like these is fully guaranteed. Please reply soonest with bank account number and revealing photo.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/517989 Sun, 19 Oct 2008 13:28:58 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/517989 Or maybe they should just call it Ventbook. Now there's a site that might be worth joining. The ... there's a site that might be worth joining. The biped seems to have become involved in some sort of migration from Dogster to Facebook. Just stopped in one day to see what the fuss was all about. Didn't quite see the point. All very silly. Yada, yada, yada. But before you know it, I'm having trouble getting him to take dictation. Wants to stop in first and see what all his hoity-toity Facebook friends are doing today. Like he'd even have any friends without me as his front man. I mean, so far he has, I believe, acquired exactly two friends who are not themselves Dogster retreads. The first is a woman he apparently went to high school with. And I say apparently advisedly--he doesn't actually remember going to high school with her, mind you. (Though, in fairness, why in the world would any sane person claim to have gone to high school with the biped unless she had actually had the misfortune to do so?) His other non-Dogster friend is this young lady, whose primary points of interest appear to be 1) she lives somewhere in the Monterey Bay area and 2) she listed Life of Brian as one of her favorite movies. Oh, and... no, I guess it's just the two points of interest, really. And a lovely pair they are, I'm sure. But where's the dog in this picture, huh?]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/517671 Sat, 18 Oct 2008 13:40:04 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/517671 The biped and I rode to Garland Park this morning in DexCorp 1. We got there at about 7:15, which i ... tomorrow. Which explained the chemical toilets, but did not explain all the cars in the parking lot. So we set out on our regular hike. And we didn't see anybody at all until we were about half way up to the Mesa pond. At which point, we encountered maybe 40 - 50 people all dressed in firefighters turnouts coming down the trail. The biped asked the leader what was going on, and was told that they were the local junior college's fire academy all out on a drill of some sort. As they passed us, just about every one of them saluted the biped with a cheery, "Good morning, sir." Other than that, it was a pretty uneventful hike.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/517323 Fri, 17 Oct 2008 10:29:09 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/517323 In that both are inherently funny. You can't go wrong telling a joke that features either a duck or ... kills me!). Really, she's leaving here in her car to drive to The Greater Spreckels Metropolitan International Airport (conveniently located in Monterey) to catch a five o'clock flight to--wait for it--San Francisco. Which is approximately 100 miles in exactly the wrong direction. And where she will have to cool her heels for two hours before she can catch her flight to Beautiful Downtown Burbank proper. See? I don't know about you, but my eyes are still watering. Burbank! Ha, ha, ha! I wonder if hey serve ducks.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/516917 Thu, 16 Oct 2008 09:04:47 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/516917 Bless you desu! (ha, ha, ha) When bipeds eat cashews in the dark, Some are bound to fall to the ... When bipeds eat cashews in the dark, Some are bound to fall to the deck: Salty and good, my new friend the cashew Trust me, in Japanese it rhymes and everything. I'm Dexter Nova Bright Star, and I approve of cashews.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/515037 Sat, 11 Oct 2008 16:07:26 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/515037 Angelina Jolie, an advocate of adoption, credits partner Brad Pitt with her decision to have biologi ... Angelina Jolie, an advocate of adoption, credits partner Brad Pitt with her decision to have biological children. -Herald wire reports]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/515032 Sat, 11 Oct 2008 16:03:29 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/515032 Well, OK, maybe the dark was seasonable enough, considering that we are still on daylight saving tim ... older--and her adult daughter happened along with their two Vizslas. We had met the older woman and the Vizslas once before, but not the daughter. Well, one biped and a couple of Vizslas are very much like another biped and a couple of Vizslas, in my experience. I mostly ignored them all and went about my own business. Still, I appreciated their distracting the biped for me for so long. I had a much longer romp, with much less supervision, than is the norm. Since we got home, I've just been lazing around. The bipeds have been to the recycling center to recycle many weeks worth of accumulated cardboard; they've been to the floor covering store to buy mahogany veneer flooring for the senior bipup's erstwhile bedroom; they've moved firewood from the yard to the porch; and the biped has finished the touch-up painting in the aforementioned erstwhile bedroom. And he is, even as we speak, copying CDs and printing them on the new CD printer he had to drive all the way to Placerville to pick up yesterday. What a couple of losers.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/513492 Tue, 7 Oct 2008 08:52:05 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/513492 Or: No plack on this dog's teeth. Yesterday, I posted a couple of pictures of the Miserable Arfi ... plack. Well, that didn't look right to me from the git-go, but my secretary, idiot that he is, seemed to think it was just fine. He even ran it through Word's spell checker just to reassure me. Word thought it was OK. The biped thought it was OK. So, against my better judgment, I let it go. When I awoke this morning, there was a little light bulb over my head. Inside it was written the phrase "plaque, you idiot!" I showed it to the biped--I was pretty sure, after all, that the message was intended for him. He scratched his head and Googled both plack and plaque. Well, you already know, of course--because you (many of you, anyway) are not idiots--that the correct word for our purposes is indeed plaque. What you may not have known--and you can thank Wikipedia for the info--is that plack is in fact a legitimate word, albeit a somewhat obscure one. A plack, it turns out, is a Scottish coin worth less than a cent. Hence, that old expression: Not worth a plack in a poet's pocket. I'll bet you've always wondered where that expression came from, haven't you? No need to thank me. Just doing my job. You're very kind.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/512414 Sat, 4 Oct 2008 10:52:42 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/512414 Katie, the miserable arfing cat of so many of my diary entries, is no more. She left here last nigh ... sknnnnnnnnnx!, I suspect I will miss her. We're having our first storm of the season here today, by the way. It's not exactly as if the heavens have opened to mark Katie's passing. It's really more of an April-showers sort of rain, really. But it did lend some ambiance to the burial. It's a good thing I'm really only a dog and don't have a clue, lest this whole episode sour me on my own vet visits, which I quite like.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/512045 Fri, 3 Oct 2008 08:40:37 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/512045 Though not quite the sort of lock I have been dreaming of ever since my second birthday when my make ... Apparently, the biped got tired of having to replace my tags every year or so because yet another attachment device had failed and left them rattling around somewhere in Greater Metropolitan Spreckels or ganz Lincoln or some other Dog-forsaken outpost of what the bipeds are pleased to call civilization. So he went to a locksmith in Oldtown Salinas--which is way quainter and somewhat less prone to gang-related shootings than Newtown Salinas--and bought the smallest padlock they had. The hasp was still a little too fat for the holes in my tags, but that was nothing that grit, determination, and a drill press couldn't take care of. The biped assures me that snug-fitting collars with padlocks on them are all the rage these days. Or will be, with a trend setter like me in the avant garde, as it were.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/511055 Tue, 30 Sep 2008 09:36:07 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/511055 No self-help book about why you should buy my self-help book would be complete without a brief synop ... still be a major pain in the arf to toss it all together in a big perfect-bound pile of book padding. So let's just take all that as read and cut to the case, shall we? I'm an expert on something or other. You're not. I want your money. I'm betting I don't need a gun to get you to hand it over. OK?]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/510837 Mon, 29 Sep 2008 17:14:28 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/510837 I am not the kind of charlatan, Littermates, who would advise you to seek financial success through ... financial and success. Let's start with financial. In fact, Littermates, we in the helping industry don't even like to use the term financial, starting, as it does, with F-I-N-A and ending, ominously, with L, thus implying that there may be something final about something or other--we're not sure what--whereas, I'm pretty sure we can keep stringing you along pretty much indefinitely. We in the industry prefer to use the term snuggly, and it has nothing to do with money. Snuggly, rather, eludes to that warm fuzzy feeling you get when you first realize that all your debts are unsecured and that you don't have any wages to garnish. But what about "success?" Combining, as it does, elephants of both suck and excess, "success" would appear to be one of those polyandrogenous noncarbarundum words that is at once both antithetical to its own internal contradictions and inappropriate in polite society. And who, Littermates, would even want to "achieve" that. So, in closing, I would just like to reassure you, Littermates, that--always assuming your seminar checks clear--you have already achieved all the financial success I have any reason to care about. Thank you.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/510088 Sat, 27 Sep 2008 15:55:46 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/510088 Just before he left for the day, the renter told the biped, "Oh, by the way, the water softener guy ... Splashing? thought he. Oregon has been dry as a bone all summer. Dexter shouldn't be doing no stinking splashing in Oregon in September! He took a look over the railing and could see that a considerable amount of water was flowing out of the space between the double-wide and an adjacent concrete shed of unknown provenance. He climbed down under the deck to take a look. Water was bubbling right up out of the ground. He went and found a shovel and starting digging through the thoroughly saturated ground. It quickly became apparent that the water was flowing out from under the foundation of the concrete shed. Given that today is Saturday, and that we are leaving tomorrow morning, he despaired of getting anybody to come have a look before we leave. He nevertheless called a local plumber and left a message on the guy's machine. Not ten minutes later, the plumber he had called called back, saying that he couldn't do anything about it today, but referrring the biped to another plumber who could. So the biped called the second plumber. He came right out, dug until he found the offending pipe--which ran under the shed to a hose bib on the other side--cut it, and capped it. So now, of course, that one hose bib doesn't work, but the leak has been stemmed. All for a cost that wouldn't have got a Monterey County plumber to return your phone call. Rural Oregon, the biped says, is remarkably like the America he grew up in.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/509624 Fri, 26 Sep 2008 08:46:38 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/509624 This afternoon, the biped and I are heading up to the palatial family double-wide in Cottage Grove O ... http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/508879 Wed, 24 Sep 2008 09:18:16 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/508879 Well if you spent all night darting around the pond, grazing here and there and everywhere, and play ... you might spend most of your daylight hours recuperating under a flat rock, too. Maybe you wouldn't like the bags under your eyes to be seen in the harsh light of a September morn. Last night, the biped built a fire in the chiminea (see "There aren't any koi in there, are there?" picture). Then he and the bipedess and I all spent some quality time out on the deck drinking beer, wine, and pond water, respectively, and watching the koi do their thing. I am not much for counting things, myself--that is one of the many functions for which I retain the bipeds. But the biped assures me that he counted at least nine of the ten putative koi last night. He may, he tells me, have seen the tenth, but counting apparently gets tricky when it involves moving targets. (I believe, by the way, that if he can count all the way to nine, he is tied with your average crow in mathematical accomplishments--Way to go, Boss!) I personally saw Koi-Tron lurking in the depths trying to blend in. He's not keen on being tracked. Which is understandable, when you consider what a mess his fish-emulsion-tipped IYBM made of the neighbor's back yard yesterday. When the fire died down, the bipeds and I fell back upon the comforts of the great indoors. Dog only knows how long the koi kept the party going.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/507816 Sun, 21 Sep 2008 10:26:38 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/507816 Last night, the biped and I went out on the back deck to have a beer and contemplate the koi. I got ... Koi-Tron, Evil Pond Master. We expect him to transform at any moment into something or other--perhaps a mini stealth submarine capable of launching inter-yard-inental ballistic missiles. He's one scary son of a fitch. I'm not sure that Koi-Tron is really any more evil than the other koi. I have the distinct impression that koi, as a species, are not quite up to the moral standards of, say, dogs, which are themselves--let us be frank here, Littermates--nothing to write home about. Still, the little bastard definitely looks the part. And as we all know, in ponds as in politics, appearances are everything. (Assuming you also have a pithy and utterly uninterpretable slogan, of course--Well, yes, I s'pose we could....)]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/507485 Sat, 20 Sep 2008 11:20:59 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/507485 ...happened this morning as we were on our way to Garland Park. We were in DexCorp 1, climbing Laur ... It's twoo! It's twoo! And actually it was two someones who seemed to be in convoy: two pickup trucks, each pulling a multiple-horse horse trailer. So, OK, they weren't Maseratis, exakly, but still... Going down the Carmel Valley side of Laureles Grade, they were even slower than going up the Salinas Valley side. The lead truck was literally burning up its brakes. The right front one, at least--smoke was just pouring out of that sucker. I can't say I cared for the smell. Even the biped seemed to notice it. But, once we hit Carmel Valley Rd., they turned left, and we turned right, so I am not in a position to tell you whether or not anyone actually burst into flames. If they hadn't already--and they hadn't--they probably didn't. So, anyway, we had a nice hike--ho hum--and a nice ride home. It's been a warm overcast morning here. The pavement was damp when we got up this morning. And it's smelled all morning as if rain were imminent. The newspaper says cloudy this morning but mostly sunny the rest of the day. Nothing about any rain. We'll see. I actually saw one of the koi this morning. I don't know whether they're becoming less shy as they get acclimated, or if they just shun sunshine--this is our first overcast day since they arrived. Mostly, we just see them after dark, when the pond lights are on.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/506409 Wed, 17 Sep 2008 09:29:29 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/506409 Yesterday afternoon, while the biped and I were out for our daily preprandial stroll, the UPS man (d ... woman? somebody might want to look into that), the UPS man, I say, sneaked (or is that snake?) into the gated family compound and left a largish box on the porch. Turns out the box contained my new Buddy Bed memory-foam bed. The biped removed the contents of the box, took the mattress and the cover out of their separate hygienic plastic bags, and put the mattress inside the cover, thus completing assembly of my Buddy Bed. He put the Buddy Bed down in place of my old bed. He put the cover of the old bed on top of the Buddy Bed for a few hours to impart some dog stink to the new bed. Then, in the evening, as bedtime was approaching, he introduced me to my new bed. I was suspicious, of course--you know how I feel about innovations. Even though it smelled a little like me, it still didn't smell right. It is the same length as my old bed, and a couple of inches wider. But, mostly, it is much taller. My old bed was only about an inch thick. The Buddy Bed is all of five inches thick. The biped induced me to walk upon it. The sheer height of the thing made me dizzy. At length, I consented to lie down (that is, in other words, I lay down). But I refused to relax. And I would not roll over for a belly scratch. The biped relented for the moment and let me go back to the TV room. When bedtime actually arrived, however, I was herded into the bedroom. I didn't have to sleep on the Buddy Bed, of course--there's plenty of floor to choose from. But I decided to give it a try. I stepped up onto it gingerly. And I proceeded to turn around and around maybe 25 times--the biped was rolling his eyes and fretting that he might have made a colossal mistake. Finally, I lay down. And the next thing I knew, it was morning! Never got up to readjust my position even once during the night. The biped let me out to attend to my twa-lette. Then I came right back in and headed for another forty winks on the Buddy Bed. I am sold, Littermates.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/506375 Wed, 17 Sep 2008 07:52:50 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/506375 Say what you will about Sarah Palin, the governess by-golly knows how to buy a vote. None of this n ... amount of the check. Suffice it to say that, although it would not have bought you a new Lexus, it would have covered several Vespas, with money left over for a helmet (or beer, if you live in Texas). Now, there was no note included with the check specifically asking for the bipedess's vote. That would just be stupid. And God, I have it on the very Highest Authority, did not create any stupid Palins. But if somebody sent you a check for that kind of money, just out of the blue, wouldn't you assume she wanted something? Yeah, me too. Uh, Dexter? Yeah, Boss? I believe you are leaving out some crucial information that may have a bearing on the discussion at hand. Yeah, Boss? Your point? Well, you may recall that back in July you and I were out doing some advance scouting for DexCorp’s planned invasion of... that is, we were out on the PupPal Tour? Yeah? Well, during much of that same time, the bipedess was in Alaska teaching the locals to become court interpreters. Or teaching the locals to teach the even more locals to become court interpreters. Or something like that. I can never quite keep it straight. Yes? Well, don't you see? Whatever it was she was doing, it was useful valuable stuff that she was doing at the behest of the State of Alaska. So? So they just now got around to paying her for it. That's what the check was for. Payment for services rendered. Well, it still sounds like a vast right-wing conspiracy to me, Boss. ]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/505401 Sun, 14 Sep 2008 12:49:04 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/505401 But, if you're a two-inch long goldfish with a blotchy complexion, being koi is the only way you're ... Shore, and she were a great old gal, she were!. For reasons known only to herself and Dog, she has chosen to spend the loot, not on upgrading the family motorcycle fleet, but on (yawn!) home improvements. The first of which was some landscaping in the north-east corner of the back yard of our tasteful walled family compound here in Beautiful Downtown Spreckels. The most prominent feature of said landscaping is a koi pond that is maybe 15 feet long by 5 – 10 feet wide by two feet deep. With a backlit cascading waterfall, no less. The pond is surrounded on 1 ½ sides (kind of like Poncho Villa) by the deck that was already there. The other... uh.. 2 ½ sides are now landscaped with drought-resistant low-maintenance plants and drip irrigation. Well, la-ti-arfing-da, sez I. What I want to know is, where's a dog supposed to spit?]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/504781 Fri, 12 Sep 2008 15:21:38 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/504781 We seem to have hit the jackpot mail-wise today, Littermates. First up, there was a greeting card ... Lyle's bosses. (I should mention here that we received in yesterday's mail, from those self-same bosses, a CD full of certain-to-be-famous-making photos of yours truly taken whilst the biped and I were in Richland in July. The greeting card was sort of a follow-up.) Anyway, the greeting card was a very nice gesture by any standard. But the truly remarkable thing about it was the photo of Lyle on the front. It is a photo that does not appear on his Dogster page--I checked. And a very revealing photo it is, too. It could explain a lot of things--crankiness, itchiness, possibly even geniousity. For it is a photo, not so much of Lyle, the dog, as of Lyle, the vaguely dog-like marine mammal of the family pinniped! I mean, you'd be cranky and itchy, too, if you were a pinniped forced to live so far from the sea. I'm not sure it would make you any smarter, but stranger tales have no doubt been made up on the spot by lesser dogs than me (or is that I?). So, anyway, there was that. And then, too, we received a package from Finlay's folks in Belle Plaine, Minnesota. It contained, in addition to a book the biped had left in Belle Plaine, a little bag of jelly beans purporting to be Minnesota Mosquito Bites, a Tick-Magnet t-shirt for the biped, and an official Minnesota Blood Donor t-shirt, also for the biped. The biped is debating whether or not to tempt fate by wearing the Tick-Magnet t-shirt on our hike tomorrow. He will probably risk it because this is pretty much the low season for ticks around here. As for me, I really don't need an official Chick-Magnet t-shirt to make clear who is what around here. Most of my lady friends can't read anyway. Nor, I'm very much afraid, can the ticks, more's the pity.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/504394 Thu, 11 Sep 2008 14:23:20 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/504394 Not so's you'd notice, anyway. Certainly not spoiled rotten. I think you all know by now, Litter ... ulterior portion of a thing is somewhere betwixt its interior and exterior portions. Or possibly underneath. It is also possible, of course, that I am not entirely clear on the concept.) It seems that the biped is so impressed with the ability of his and the bipedess' new Tempurpedic™ bed to render the two of them more or less comatose all night, that he would like me to have the benefit of one, too. Not because he is all that concerned about my comfort, mind you, but because he is concerned about my habit, three or four times a night, of standing up, turning around and around and around and around--with or without turning on the TV--jangling my tags, and then flopping myself back down with a great sigh and a greater thump. He figures if a little memory foam will put me out for the count, then it will have been a very good investment in his good night's sleep. Let's all raise a glass to enlightened self interest. But not right before bed time, of course.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/503487 Tue, 9 Sep 2008 07:09:11 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/503487 It was late, very late. So late it was early. I couldn't get back to sleep. I had Lyle's haunting ... Lyle's haunting Pinecone Song stuck in my head. So I decided to turn on the TV in the bipeds' bedroom. It was not what you could call quality programming, though, just static and a gentle hissing sound--no one had ever taken me aside and 'splained on me that the TV in the bedroom won't display any actual programming (not even reality shows) unless the satellite box in the TV room is turned on. So much for my plans to watch Masterpiece Theatre or possibly Nova. I did get a little amusement out of it, though. Apparently, the light and the hiss from the set gradually dragged each of the bipeds up from catatonia into semi consciousness. Each of them apparently thought the other had got up early and was taking a shower--with their new Tempurpedic™ bed it is very easy, they tell me, not to notice when somebody gets in or out, which, I suppose, is a handy feature in a bed, expecially if it sees a lot of traffic (ha, ha). But I digress. At some point, the two of them happened to roll over, each toward the middle of the bed, and they bumped into each other. Which immediately raised either of two questions: 1) If she/he is still in bed with me, who the hell is in the shower? And 2) If she/he is in the shower, who the hell is in bed with me? Not to mention C) If nobody's in the shower, what the hell is that noise? and D) The shower doesn't generally light up the bedroom, anyway, does it? So just what in hell is going on here? By which time, of course, they were nearly enough awake to figure the whole thing out and unplug the TV. All and all, it was no Conan O’Brian Show, but if one learns nothing else living with a pair of dullards, one learns to take one's amusements where one finds them.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/502798 Sun, 7 Sep 2008 10:30:38 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/502798 Otherwise, I would have been even more upset than I was yesterday morning when the biped got up very ... knew I didn't like it. But I didn't know that yesterday was, in cold clinical fact, Saturday. Though I am now informed that it was. Apparently, the reason the biped went slinking off with my ride, all of a Saturday morning, was that he needed to take it up to TriQuest in Santa Clara to resolve an issue with the rear brake. It was not so much, he tells me, that the brake was not working, as that it was working all the time, which, I gather, is not an altogether desireable feature in an automotive brake. He had, he has now explained to me, completely disabled the rear brake the day before--that would have been Friday--so as to be able to ride the 100+ kilometers to TriQuest without completely cooking the brake and the final drive. So he only had the front brake and the sidecar brake to work with. But, when you're as slow as he is to begin with, you do not really need all that much mechanical slowing down. So he made it up to TriQuest without mishap--she likes to sleep in on Saturdays, and wasn't interested anyway. And Ski was actually able to get right to work on the problem, too. He did have to take an hour or so off in the middle of the job to sell a Ural Retro to a distinguished looking gentleman of Italian descent who came in with a couple of associates who may or may not have had bulges under their jackets--Gosh, it was warm yesterday!--which may or may not have been merely their pectoral muscles. And while I may have rued the delay, the biped himself was uncharacteristically patient about the whole thing because he was awaiting a visit from Georgie and her peeps and three—count ‘em, three—siblings. It seems that Georgie's dad, Tom, recently purchased a Ural from Ski and was having it serviced a little earlier in the week. He and his beautiful wife Nancy were enjoying a little R & R (with all four dogs!) in Santa Cruz before heading home to Sacramento. So they stopped in at TriQuest on their way home to say hi to the biped. Seems to me like a lot of trouble to go to, but hey, there's no accounting for taste. Apparently, everyone had a satisfactory visit. DexCorp 1 got its rear brake expertly fixed--works better than it ever did, the biped says. And I got a walk around town when the biped got home in the afternoon. And this morning--that would be Sunday, I am informed--the biped and I took DexCorp 1 over to Garland Park for our hike. It is a spectacularly beautiful day here for motorcycle riding. Though Garland Park was a little warmer, even at 7:00 AM, than either of us might have wished. Both the bugs--I think there were a lot more than two, Boss!--and an unusual number of early-morning tourists seemed to like it well enough, though. I had a lovely roll in some wonderfully fresh horse spit. That's going to earn me a bath here in a few minutes, I believe. But, if you've got to bathe, you couldn't pick a better day for it.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/501746 Thu, 4 Sep 2008 11:56:02 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/501746 When the biped was growing up in the 50s and 60s (of the last century, Littermates!), politicians en ... last century, Littermates!), politicians enjoyed a good deal more privacy than they do today. The Press, even when it was aware of these gentlemen's foibles, tended not to report on them, lest the public lose confidence in its leaders. It was never reported during his lifetime, for instance, that John F. Kennedy was high as a kite on pain killers during pretty much his entire presidency. And, if Lyndon Johnson was dwamatically better endowed than Ho Chi Minh... well, you had to wait and hear it from Lyndon himself (you didn't have to wait long, apparently). The Press wasn't going to rat him out, and Ho was suspiciously silent on the subject. So closely guarded were politicians' secrets that it was not until last week that we discovered that Charles DeGaulle, widely believed during his lifetime to have been an elderly and obnoxious Frenchman, was, in fact, a young transvestite. It was fashion reporter Lamont Jones of the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette who dropped this particular bombshell in a story about Michelle Obama's taste in dresses (delicious!). Actually, it was a photo caption that gave the game away: Some have likened Michelle Obama's style to that of Jacqueline Kennedy, shown here in 1961 with Charles DeGaulle, who was younger than the typical first lady and radically departed from how her predecessors dressed. (emphasis added) At the time, the biped assures me, virtually no one knew A) that Jacqueline Kennedy was a typical first lady, or 2) that she was older than Charles DeGaulle. Though it was fairly obvious even then, the biped says, that DeGaulle's style of dress departed radically from that of Jackie's predecessors. To the naïve electorate of the time, however, it hardly seemed relevant. So, the lesson to be learned here, Littermates, is that, if you don't pay close attention to your Engerish teacher, you may be condemned to lead your adult life as a fashion reporter for the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/501476 Wed, 3 Sep 2008 16:26:24 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/501476 ...do you suppose you could remodel the kitchen? That is the biped's completely fair and unbiased ... That is the biped's completely fair and unbiased characterization of what he feels are the bipedess's almost incessant requests for him to, you know, do something. But, if we are going to be entirely fair here--and why wouldn’t we be?--we would have to admit that the bipedess hasn't actually asked the biped about remodeling the kitchen for years now. Not since the unfortunate episode of remodeling the bathroom. Not since the biped, not to put too fine a point on it, told her that, if she wanted to have the arfing kitchen remodeled, she was just going to have to wait for him to arfing die first. Because the only way the arfing kitchen was going to get arfing remodeled was over his dead arfing body. Or words to that effect. Well, fair enough. But the bipedess has suddenly decided that the senior bipup's erstwhile bedroom, which had institutional-blue walls and purple wall-to-wall carpeting for the entire 11 years the bipup occupied it, is now the second guest room--yeah, like they ever have even one guest!--and, as such, needs to be repainted and recarpeted before Thanksgiving. For why? For because the self-same senior bipup and his recently acquired wife are going to be visiting for Thanksgiving, and the bipedess has apparently decided that 11 years and 3 days of that hideous color scheme would just be too much for the young man's constitution to take. And, if I weren't color blind, I might well agree with her. But what women routinely fail to realize--and this is probably as true of nation building as it is of household improvements--is that it's always more trouble than you think. Generally, way more trouble. Especially if you live in a 98-year-old house (or a 98-day-old nation, one assumes). The biped tried to explain to her that there was just no point in repainting the room unless you first knocked several large holes in the walls so that you could put the crappy-looking add-on surface-mount wiring inside the walls where it belonged, and a large hole in the ceiling so you could install some wood blocking that would give you something to screw the crappy fallen-down add-on heat register into instead of the 98-year-old plaster that the idiot furnace installers tried to screw it into 20 years ago (when, to be fair, the plaster was only 78 years old). And then, of course, you'd have to patch all those holes. And only then could you even begin to paint anything. He even brought his friend Peter in to back him up on all this. (Before Peter was a lawyer, he was a contractor, before which he was a fireman, before which he was a carpenter, so he could reasonably be expected to talk up the complications of just about any job.) Peter said of the surface-mount wiring: It's too much trouble to put it in the walls; just paint over it. Peter said of the heat register: Well, yeah, you could tear open the ceiling and put in blocking and do it right. Or you could glue the damn thing to the ceiling and let the next guy worry about it. To repay Peter for his helpfulness to the cause, the biped promptly defeated him at go, for only the third time ever. So that was sort of a moral victory, I guess. On the practical side, however, the biped has now agreed to do some necessary plaster patching and then to paint the room. For her part, the bipedess will make some calls and get somebody to do the recarpeting. (She has to make the calls because her Spanish is a lot better than the biped's.)]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/501105 Tue, 2 Sep 2008 16:32:53 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/501105 Though I prefer candied apples, myself. (And this space will absolutely not tolerate any maraschi ... not tolerate any maraschino cherry jokes, as they are in very poor taste.)]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/500998 Tue, 2 Sep 2008 09:56:28 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/500998 Let him who is without stones mask the first sin. -Orchiectomy, 11:12 Associated Press, Septem ... Let him who is without stones mask the first sin. -Orchiectomy, 11:12 Associated Press, September 2nd, 2008: "The campaign said it was not disclosing the father's full name or age or how he and Bristol knew each other."]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/500774 Mon, 1 Sep 2008 14:55:07 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/500774 Today is not my birthday. Today is Dextmas. My birthday and Dextmas are 13 entirely different thin ... Dextmas.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/500375 Sun, 31 Aug 2008 10:55:09 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/500375 I may be, as various people whom I will not name may or may not have suggested, an inveterate liar. ... invertebrate liar. And yet, I seem to be utterly without bones. Surely, Littermates, you do not want your Chairman to become a mere puddle of his former self? So... if you're looking for an inexpensive Dextmas present...]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/500320 Sun, 31 Aug 2008 08:08:13 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/500320 You're getting kind of fat, Please put a Greenie™ In this dog's (entirely figurative) hat. If y ... Remember, Littermates, tomorrow is Dextmas. The first Dextmas of the rest of you lives. Let's make this one memorable, shall we?]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/500129 Sat, 30 Aug 2008 15:24:06 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/500129 I don't know why, exactly, but the biped absolutely detests people who carry on cell phone conversat ... height of ill manners for some reason. Wants to take away their phones, throw them to the ground, and jump up and down on them, he says. (And you may make your own guess as to the referent of the two thems in the preceding sentence.) The biped does, of course, recognize the utility of cell phones as emergency communications devices. Which is why he brought along his Fred Flintstone phone on the PupPal Tour--not that he expected a Russian motorcycle to break down, you understand, but still... you never know. Well, as it turns out, it was his steam-powered equivalent of two tin cans and a piece of string that stopped working somewhere between Albuquerque, NM and Allen, TX. Actually, only the battery stopped working, but, since the fall of Elbownia, you just can't get batteries for that particular model anymore, so, for all intents and purposes, he was without a working cell phone. And stayed without one until we got to Lincoln, Nebraska, where Star's mom kindly chauffeured him to a Verizon store to see about getting a new one. The upshot is, he now owns a cell phone that actually fits in his pocket and does not surreptitiously turn itself on while it's in there. So he actually carries it routinely now, along with his Swiss Army knife and his key ring. So, this morning, we took our regular hike up to the Mesa Pond at Garland Park. And, as usual, we were the only ones there at 7:30 in the morning. Doing some quick calculations right in his very head, the biped figured out that it must be approximately 10:30 in the morning (of what day, he did not say) in Philadelphia, PA, where the senior bipup now resides. And he hadn't talked to the senior bipup in some time. He looked all around, making sure that I was the only other living creature in sight. Then he slipped his cell phone out of his pocket, opened it up right there under Dog's own blue sky, and called the senior bipup! Whom, as it turns out, he succeeded in waking up, even at 10:30 of whatever morning it might have been in Philadelphia. When the biped gets all wild and crazy like this, there's just no telling where it may end. Why, I wouldn't put it past him to attempt to text a pizza order. I wouldn't put the attempt past him. But I wouldn't get my mouth all fixed for pizza, either.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/499519 Thu, 28 Aug 2008 16:24:51 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/499519 Unhappily, the biped's newfound... ahem... agility has already been rendered erstwhile. Apparently, ... agility has already been rendered erstwhile. Apparently, in his frantic efforts to avoid being run over by the UPS truck, he pulled something and is now no more flexible than a mere mortal man. And if the chump thinks I'm taking up the slack, he's got another think coming--in the first place, we're not that kind of buddies, and in the second place, I've got my own business to attend to.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/498722 Tue, 26 Aug 2008 08:53:08 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/498722 Despite the occasional temper tantrum on his part, or act of willful disobedience on mine, the biped ... Kirby's peeps in New Mexico. It contained lots of swell stuff: a New Mexico T-shirt for the biped, a beautiful silver and turquoise spider pin for the bipedess, some genuine New Mexican chilly spices for everybody--everybody but me, that is. But, first and foremost, it contained a lovely big bag of dog treats for me--and I must stress the for me part of that last sentence. Now, this was a cellophane bag with "PETCO" written right on it, imprinted all over with little paw prints. There was very little doubt in my mind who the intended recipient was. The treats inside were in a variety of sizes, shapes, and colors. Some looked quite traditional: bones shapes, little heart shapes, that kind of thing. Others were in the shape of pretzels, but were clearly made out of dog-treat material, not real-pretzel material. But many of the treats were shaped like human-style cookies, some Orio style (pale, though, not chocolate), some chocolate-chip style. And these apparently gave the biped pause (if not paws, ha, ha). Because they looked so like people food. He took one of the Orio-style cookies out of the bag and smelled it, fully expecting it to smell like a dog treat. But it didn't. It smelled like a cookie. He gave it to me. I took it very gingerly. It was, after all, an innovation, and you know how I tend to feel about innovations. But it turned out to be quite a good innovation, and I ended up scarfing it right down. But the biped remained concerned about those chocolate-chip cookies. Surely, they could not be real chocolate-chip cookies. Everybody knows chocolate is bad for dogs. But perhaps there had been some potentially-tragic mistake. He decided to make the supreme sacrifice for my well being and taste one of the cookies himself. It tasted like a chocolate-chip cookie! He ate the rest of it to make sure. Then he ate two more. The third one, he said, began to taste a little bit doggy. It was good, though. Well, anyway, he decided that all the remaining treats in the bag were, in fact, perfectly fit for canine consumption. So if there are any more of those chocolate-chip ones hiding down in the bottom of the bag somewhere, I may get one today. Happily, eating dog treats does not seem to have done the biped any harm. If anything, they may have increased his flexibility--he's lying in the street licking himself even as we speak.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/498436 Mon, 25 Aug 2008 14:37:15 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/498436 Is how I'm feeling since the biped took my ride up to TriQuest Saturday and left it there to be serv ... gets serviced. Which, you may recall, tends not to be the case when you leave poor Dexter at Sundowners Kennels hoping to get serviced.) We'd actually been putting very few miles on DexCorp 1 since we got home, anyway. Nevertheless, I liked seeing it parked there in the driveway under its canopy, exuding dormant power and the somewhat oily scent of potential adventure. I mean, we might have hopped in at any moment and gone off cruising for bitches. We seldom did. But we might have. Now there's just an empty spot in the driveway with a stupid blue canopy over it. Nobody's cruising for anybody until the biped goes back to Santa Clara next Saturday and retrieves my ride. Unless, of course, you happen to know of any fine bitches who gots the hots for a grey Subaru Forrester. No? I didn't think so.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/497989 Sun, 24 Aug 2008 10:15:47 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/497989 In November, I will be five. And my science and technology advisor--all your major executive types ... people for that sort of thing--tells me that five is very nearly half way to ten, which turns out to be the lower end of the average life expectancy range for a Gordon setter. So it would not be untrue to say, if you must, that I am no longer young. My muzzle might be expected to start grizzling any year now. But fear not, Littermates, I am not contemplating mortality. Certainly not my own, at any rate. I am contemplating, rather, the fact that I should now be moving into my peak earning years. My income should be ratcheting up at a rate far outpacing inflation, allowing me to put a little something aside for my golden months. But, no matter what percentage rate or multiplier you apply--according to my percentage rate and multiplier advisor--inflation-adjusted constant-dollar squat times whatever is still squat. And squat is just exakly what I get paid for all my efforts around here. Well, yeah, OK, I do get room and board. And I would even allow as how the room portion of that deal is pretty good--though you could get better board at a used-lumber yard. But that is beside (and a little behind) the point. Bill Gates doesn't work for room and board. Bad Vlad Putin doesn't work for room and board. Russel Crowe--who, I am pretty sure, will be playing me in the movie version of The PupPal Tour, Part I--doesn't work for room and board--not even if you let him throw telephones at you. So why, I ax you, should your very Chairman, DexCorp's representative here on earth, the living voice of The Frisbetarian Mother Church of Greater Metropolitan Spreckels, be working for two squares and a warm spot on the bedroom floor? I tell you, Littermates, it just ain't right! Although, to be fair--and you know how I hate to be fair--I did get two hikes this weekend, and a roll in a lovely big pile of horse spit. When was the last time Vladimir Putin could say that?]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/497257 Fri, 22 Aug 2008 09:17:58 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/497257 I sleep in the bipeds' room, on the floor. Whichever one of them gets up first in the morning--usua ... so tiring!). The bipeds have their breakfast. The biped takes a shower. He goes into the bedroom to get dressed. When he is precisely half dressed, I come rushing in, acting very agitated. "Do you want to go out front, Dexter," says the biped. I dial up my state of agitation a couple of notches in the clear affirmative. The biped sighs, deciding he is close enough to decent to walk into the living room and let me out the front door. So off to the living room he goes. Just then, I remember that I have not eaten my breakfast! I run quickly into the kitchen and start to chow down while the biped is standing patiently by the front door. He gets tired of waiting for me, goes back to the bedroom, and resumes dressing. Just about the time he is getting ready to put his second sock on, I finish breakfast and come tearing into the bedroom, very, very eager to be let out into the front yard. "Dexter," the biped says, "you are an idiot!" And yet, he is the idiot who walks into the living room with one sock on and one sock off and lets me out the front door.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/496486 Wed, 20 Aug 2008 09:50:32 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/496486 Now I am not saying, Littermates, that you have ever killed anyone. In fact, if I had to guess, I w ... if you've ever killed anybody, and you feel kind of bad about it, or if you'd like to kill somebody, and you'd prefer not to feel bad about it, the DexCorp Charitable Trust & Chairman's Personal Slush Fund (hereinafter known as "The Trust") has the perfect option for you: For every hundred dollars you donate to The Trust, The Trust will purchase one not-at-all-defective factory-second mosquito bed net from a landfill-free, women-owned, sustainable sweat shop in East Jebus and send that bed net to someplace with a very high rate of malaria. Where, if used--and that's hardly your problem, is it?--that bed net will almost certainly save one or more lives that would otherwise have been lost to malaria. So, figuring conservatively, $100.00 per actual or proposed victim gets you completely off the hook, moralistically speaking. In the aggregate, you will be saving more people than you are killing. And who could possibly object to that? Certainly not the dear departed.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/495657 Mon, 18 Aug 2008 08:34:21 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/495657 Well, you can call it a bird's nest if you like. But it looks more like a giant toilet seat to me. ... http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/495045 Sat, 16 Aug 2008 11:40:15 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/495045 It's so nice to go for a hike the very day after a grooming. On the one hand, I get an opportunity ... is, and I'm clean as a whistle. (And I did not, by the way, have sex with that... that... female dog, Ms. Nalinski. Hey, I'm not saying I didn't try, but... Look! Isn't that a vast right-wing conspiracy?) Toward the end of our hike this morning, I plunged bodily off the trail into a significant depth of leaves and forest litter, hot on the trail of... a pair of socks. I don't know why there were two well used black socks lying three or four feet from the trail, all de-bipedalized, but there were. I was all for taking them away with us--finders keepers, losers weepers, I always say. And, you know, I like to remove litter from the trails and all. And I figured the more pairs of socks he had, the less often the biped would have to do the laundry--I'm always thinking of him. But the biped was, in fact, very insistent that I leave them. It could be a crime scene, Dexter. And those socks could be evidence. We should leave them just the way we found them. So, you're saying you're going to wake up a ranger and report this pair of socks? Is that the plan, Boss? Well, no. Not exactly. But I'm sure somebody will report them later on today. And by that time, I'd just as soon we were long gone and not in possession of any forensic evidence, if you don't mind, Dexter. Your civic spiritedness is an inspiration to us all, Boss. Thank you, Dexter. So we went on our way, back to the parking lot, leaving those tantalizing socks just lying there in the leaf litter. The bipedess is on some sort of overnighter business trip, and she took the Subaru with her, so we had to chose between the Miata and DexCorp 1 this morning. We chose DexCorp 1, which I, personally, had not been in since we returned from the PupPal Tour. But I'm telling you, Littermates, riding in a side car rig is just like... well, riding in a sidecar rig--once you learn, you never forget. And a very refreshing ride it was, too.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/494784 Fri, 15 Aug 2008 17:12:27 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/494784 The biped took me to the groomer at PetSmart this morning. We both like the PetSmart groomers a lot ... particularly good job. But what they do, they do in half the time. But besides a good job, the other things they don't do are worth the price of admission: They do not trim my tail in such a way as to make me look like a hybrid of a wildebeest and a poodle. They do not complain to the biped when he picks me up, or lie about how many fleas, ticks, tapeworms and foxtails I supposedly had. 1) I've never had fleas. 2) I've never had more than two or three ticks at any given time, not the eight or ten the groomer tried to claim once. 3) If the vet can't find any sign of a tape worm with a gloved hand and a tube of KY jelly, I don't really think it was wiggling its ears at the groomer while she expressed my anal glands. 4) You're a groomer; we're paying you to remove foxtails, for Dog's sake! (I must add, parenthetically, that the PetSmart groomer, far from having any fanciful complaints, went out of her way this afternoon to tell the biped what a good dog I was.) And they (the PetSmart groomers) do not put some silly, sissified Hitler-Jugend bandana around my neck when they're through with me. Which I definitely appreciate, particularly in view of the fact that I have recently beend likened--I will not say by whom--to the biker in The Village People! So anyway, I am feeling very slick and shiny and al fresco again. Better stand back when I'm spinning, or you may get a black eye.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/493578 Tue, 12 Aug 2008 12:39:01 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/493578 Have I ever mentioned to you, Littermates, that Saint Dexeter was born on a Monday? Well, he was. ... do have surprisingly small paws, you know. So... You will just have to take my word for the fact that Saint Dexeter was born on a Monday. Which, in and of itself, is mildly unusual, but hardly miraculous. The miraculous part is this: It turns out that Saint Dexeter was actually born on the first Monday of every month! Thus, once the Frisbetarian Crusader Kingdom of Boise is well and truly established, we will be able to spit-can all those other silly dead-biped federal holidays and just celebrate Dextmas once a month. Won't that be convenient? I also wanted to mention in passing that I do not now claim, nor have I ever claimed to be Saint Dexeter reincarnate. I am merely His humble representative here on earth. Which is not to say I don't have expenses, if you take my meaning.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/492769 Sun, 10 Aug 2008 10:30:30 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/492769 Let me be perfectly clear about this, Littermates, I will not dignify with a response any questions ... lepticly deny that, thirty years ago, the biped ever stalked and kidnapped a Frisbetarian missionary or attached said hypothetical (but female) missionary to a bedstead in a honeymoon cottage in England with mink lined handcuffs or forced the aforesaid mythical missionary to be his love slave. It never happened*. And anybody who says it did is looking at a ten million dollar libel suit. Is that clear? If you have any further questions, please direct them to Christie, Willis & Willis, attorneys at law (except for “Christie,” who is really the muscle of the firm). Thank you very much. Now, if you will excuse me, I believe I hear the UPS truck. That will no doubt be Dexters Two through Six, all of whom will be played by Michael Keaton in the movie version of this rollicking (but entirely fictional) tail. *quite like that]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/492518 Sat, 9 Aug 2008 14:34:47 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/492518 It appears, Littermates, that there is a Dexter indogonator out there on the roads of the intermount ... mine, so all's right with the world--but he looks a little like that actor who played Jimmy James on News Radio, if that's of any help to you. Anyway, this Jimmy James lookalike asked us how long we'd been home from our trip--apparently somebody noticed we were gone. We told him. He asked us if we had been in Montana toward the very end of the trip. We told him that, although we had been in Montana, that had been back around July 4th through July 9th, you know, approximately. Whereupon he said that it could not have been us, then. Evidently, Mr. James-alike and his family had just returned from a vacation in Montana. He claims that, on or about July 22nd, he saw a Ural just like ours, driven by a guy who looked something like the biped, with a largish dog in the sidecar. Can you believe it, Littermates? There’s some idiot and his biped out there pretending to be us. Why anyone would want to pretend to be the biped is beyond me, frankly, but it's the principle of the thing that matters. That and the book rights, of course. So, if this dog-and-phony show should roll into your town offering a display of signs and wonders, I can only suggest that you stone them before they get a chance to beguile you with their silver-tounged lies. Throw stones first and ask questions later, I always say.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/492161 Fri, 8 Aug 2008 13:48:09 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/492161 If the flea hangs around long enough, sooner or later he'll see the dog's balls. -ancient Etrusc ... If the flea hangs around long enough, sooner or later he'll see the dog's balls. -ancient Etruscan proverb And yet, for all their prodigious wisdom, the Etruscans have faded utterly from the pages of history. What can one say, Littermates, but sic transit gloria mundi? And possibly arfs gratia arfis.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/491686 Thu, 7 Aug 2008 08:59:41 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/491686 What a cunning collection of linguists we have here on Dogster, droogs! Yesterday's entry had not b ... Izzy was first in with the information that ochin harasho is Russian for very good, or very fine, or very nice... something along those lines. And she was followed not long after by Kiko, Kirby, Midnight Star, Charlie, and Skye, all of whom knew it was Russian and either knew what it meant off the tops of their little canine heads or rapidly researched it and found out what it meant. But none of those doggies, alas, saw the connection to the body of yesterday's entry. Only Abby was able to do that. So she is the big winner of... Um... Well, of nothing but this very mention, actually. Still, that is a high honor, is it not, droogs? Oh, what is the connection, you ax? It was the role of Alex in Stanley Kubrick's 1971 film of Anthony Bugess's 1962 book A Clockwork Orange that first propelled Malcom McDowell--you remember him from yesterday’s entry, surely?--to the kind of international stardom that now allows him to get bit parts as creeps on TV shows. And, in A Clockwork Orange, Alex and his droogs frequently describe things they like as harasho. And, being Cockneys, the way they pronounce it is pretty much indistinguishable from the way they would pronounce horror show. It's very deep, droogs. Take my word for it. Here's a link to the Wikipedia article on A Clockwork Orange.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/491236 Wed, 6 Aug 2008 07:45:44 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/491236 The other evening, the bipeds were watching an old episode of Law and Order: Criminal Intent. Malco ... Law and Order: Criminal Intent. Malcom McDowell guest starred as an evil billionaire (is there any other kind on TV?). When it began to ocurr to the detectives that Malcom's character had an unpleasant personality trait or two, one of them said, "Well, I guess people don't give you billions of dollars for being a nice guy, do they?" Now, it immediately crossed my mind that that question, rhetorical though it was, had built into it a whole laundry list of left-wing Hollywood anti-free-market-capitalism pinko fellow-traveller downright Commie nut-case assumptions. What crossed the biped's mind--to the extent that one can make that determination based on what comes out of his mouth--was this: “Apparently, people don't give you billions of dollars for being kind of difficult to get along with, either, or I'd be rich." The bipedess let that one hang in the air for perhaps half a beat too long, and then said, "But deep down inside, you're a nice guy." Well, I can't quarrel with that, I suppose. Still... You'd think he'd be at least superficially loaded, wouldn't you? PS: The first one to figure out the significance of today's title gets an honorable mention in this very diary. Courtesy of Proctor & Gamble, a wholly owned subsidiary of DexCorp.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/490811 Tue, 5 Aug 2008 08:16:25 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/490811 In religious matters, the biped tends to be--how shall I put this delicately?--a skeptic. And I am ... skeptic. And I am pretty sure I am using the term skeptic euphonistically here. But I have discovered documentary evidence that should shake him (or at the very least, jiggle him) to his very core. This is from the obituary page of this morning's Monterey County Herald (you could look it up): Terry King Gillot, age 59, went to be with his Lord Saturday, July 19, 2008 in Little Rock, Arkansas. So here we have firm written evidence, not only for the existence of Him whose name cannot be pronounced because there are no vowels in it, but of His very presence among us. Among those of us who live in Arkansas, anyway. The questions is (well, a question is) does He actually live in Little Rock, or is He on tour? Sounds like a schism to me, Littermates.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/490314 Mon, 4 Aug 2008 09:32:14 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/490314 The biped keeps checking my Dogster page several times a day. Apparently, to see if I have yet writ ... literary output; there's never been much of anything wrong with my bodily output. Its quantity, he seems to feel, is minimal at best, and its quality... well, its quality has recently been distinctly whiney, according to him. And I'm pretty sure he's got a point. Possibly two. On the other hand, I'm not altogether sure he understands how this thing works.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/489466 Sat, 2 Aug 2008 14:23:24 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/489466 ...the prophet is without honor in his own land. The prophet--if you will foregive my saying so--is ... one of the neighbors would say Hi, or Welcome back!, or How was your trip? But no. You'd think we never left. Or--and now we are getting into Twilight Zone territory--that we never came back. Spooky.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/488982 Fri, 1 Aug 2008 16:15:03 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/488982 In matters of gift giving, it is the thought that counts. I understand that. Sadly, the prevai ... http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/488122 Wed, 30 Jul 2008 11:22:18 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/488122 Did you notice, Littermates, that the gypsy rover was no gypsy at all? Rather, he was a young arist ... and she got a house with more wine and servants than her father could ever have provided, anyway. Pretty sweet deal, all around. So remember, ladies, if a handsome young vagabond Gordon setter should come rolling into town in a bug-besplattered sidecar, arooo-ing his little heart out for you, you should definitely run off with him. Because he will almost undoubtedly turn out to be the CEO, CFO, COO, and majority shareholder of some multi-notional corporation like, oh, for instance, DexCorp. And you will live, if not necessarily happily, at least well provided for everafter. Otherwise, romance might wear pretty thin pretty quick--like the first time you find yourself actually sleeping in the morning dew. But, anyway, all I really wanted to tell you today is that I got a very nice hike at Garland Park yesterday afternoon with the bipeds. Given a choice, I prefer early-morning hikes, when it is easier to maintain the fiction that I am, in fact, "Lord of these lands all over." But an afternoon hike beats the snot out of a leashed walk any day of the week, so I'm a reasonably happy dog. (Though this fall weather we're having does make me restless--road trip, anyone?)]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/487599 Tue, 29 Jul 2008 07:23:37 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/487599 ...into the valley shady; He whistled and he sang til the green wood rang, And he won the heart of ... Well, yeah, this hearth and home stuff is all very nice, Littermates. For a while. Say, maybe, a week. But my paw pads are getting itchy. There are ladies out there with hearts yet to be won. And, while I cannot, in fact, whistle, I am an excellent singer. Excellent singer. The biped is being something of a stick in the mud about the whole thing, though. Apparently, he has done all the lady-heart winning he really cares to do in one life time. What a chump!]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/486283 Fri, 25 Jul 2008 15:44:38 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/486283 I am not easily amazed, Littermates, but I confess myself amazed at the moment. On Wednesday, t ... maybe by the end of next week. Earlier this afternoon, the biped was sitting out on the front porch reading and scratching my butt, when a UPS truck pulled up in front of the house. Certainly he had not ordered anything that should be getting delivered today, thought the biped--I do very little thinking when my butt is being scratched. And the bipedess has been out of town for nearly a month, so it seemed unlikely that she had ordered anything for delivery today. So he was leaning toward the theory that the junior bipup must have ordered some (presumably firearm-ralated) item. But no, it was our Zazzle T-shirts! Now, we are impressed with Zazzle. But we are arfing amazed about UPS. I mean, we had always had the impression that those guys would deliberately hold onto stuff to make sure you didn't get it any sooner than advertised, thus encouraging you to spring for the more expensive service. But perhaps we have been too cynical, Littermates. Even so, it makes me wonder just where Zazzle is physically located. Must be very close. So, anyway, he got the shirts mailed out to all our hosts this afternoon--you should be seeing them early to mid next week, we're thinking. As it happens--well it was by design, really--we have three T-shirts left over, one each in Medium, X-Large, and XX-Large (the biped himself has already snarfed the left-over Large). We are willing to part with one of them to the person who supplies the best caption for my current main picture. All entries will be judged on an entirely subjective and idiosyncratic basis, and Fred is not allowed to enter because his people are already receiving shirts. That also applies to the rest of you who participated directly in the PupPal Tour. I only single Fred out for particular mention because I have a sneaking suspicion he'd win if we let him play. And besides, we don't have any shirts in Small Horse size.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/485299 Wed, 23 Jul 2008 08:03:25 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/485299 Looking at the revised map of the PupPal Tour, I cannot help but see a gloved fist. The cuff of the ... I'm already back on duty, patrolling the yard for bird shadows and barking at kids on skateboards. The biped is taking his sweet time, though. Hasn't even looked yet at any of the business-related mail and helpful notes from the bipedess piled up on his desk. Says he doesn't plan on letting the customers (if there still are any) know he's here until Monday. At the earliest. If the locals are organizing a welcome home parade, they're doing a good job keeping us in the dark about it.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/484560 Mon, 21 Jul 2008 13:17:53 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/484560 Starting Odometer Reading today: 17,468 km Ending Odometer Reading: 17,648 km Distance Trave ... Let's just call it a PupPal Tour then, shall we? Well, Littermates, here we are, back in beautiful downtown Spreckels. It smells very much like home, even if there is a bit of smoke in the air. At least one of the cats seems to have survived in our absence, but you can't have everything, I suppose. Thank you to everyone who put us up and helped us out and rooted for us. I shall no doubt have more to say about that soon. Right now, though, I have to watch the biped start getting caught up on various things.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/484558 Mon, 21 Jul 2008 13:16:22 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/484558 Starting Odometer Reading today: 17,169 km Ending Odometer Reading: 17,468 km Distance Trave ... her daughter, Emily Danger Von H. Also on hand was R & R's terrier mutt, Gary. We are spending the night at the home of the biped's other old Martinez friend, Joane Q.--she of the shared steak sandwich. And tomorrow, Dog willing. we shall be home.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/483957 Sat, 19 Jul 2008 22:32:00 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/483957 One can only hope—for the sake of my kibble supply, if nothing else—that the biped's business has fa ... pretty sure I delegated somebody to look after the place while we were gone. Sure, you go away for five weeks, you're going to have to expect some slacking off in the house keeping department. But this is arfing ridiculous. We were still 50 miles or more north of the state line this afternoon when the otherwise blue sky started to turn white with the smoke of California burning. And we are not talking about a few cigarette burns in the shag carpeting, either, Littermates. The whole arfing state appears to be on fire—not that you can see any actual flames through the unDogly pall of smoke. Oregon must feel like it's living next door to a guy who likes to rev the engine of his oil-burning 67 Buick all day long. And the smoke is not just in the sky; it is right down at ground level, too. It's like driving through fog. Only fog doesn't smell like cigar smoke and burn your eyes. It is just the sort of atmosphere you would really just as soon not be riding through on a motorcycle. It's not as if efforts are not being made, or course. The parking lot of our Motel 6 is chockablock with fire trucks from all over the western United States. So your Chairman Himself personally is in very little danger of going up in smoke during the night. Nevertheless... I intend to have a word with the tenants, once we are safely home.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/483887 Sat, 19 Jul 2008 18:14:09 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/483887 Starting Odometer Reading today: 16,596 km Ending Odometer Reading: 17169 km Distance Travel ... A new superfund site (No, Lyle... superfund.) Those of you who live in the great state of New York—or the Umpire State, as the incognoscenti call it—may well be of the opinion that Albany cooks up any number of concoctions more noxious than cat urine. I, personally, have no position on that—I just hope poor Elliot got your money's worth is all. But I am not here to discuss Albany, New York with you this evening, Littermates, but rather Albany, Oregon. Where I'm pretty sure a cat urine refinery has recently suffered a catastrophic expulsion or patty melt down or something. About a mile of I-5 through Albany was so thoroughly contaminated with purified essence of cat urine this morning that I was momentarily afraid that the biped would pass out. And, while his conscious driving is nothing to write home about—although I guess that's just what I've been doing for the past five weeks--I am reasonably sure that it is better than his unconscious driving—you'd have to check with one of his high school buddies to be certain, though. Anyway, something clearly needs to be done. And I know just what: Take the funds earmarked for cleaning up the Hanford nuclear site in Washington and spend the money instead on cleaning up the cat urine spill in Albany. Why? you ax. Because Albany is a lot closer to Beautiful Downtown Spreckels than Hanford is, that's why. And besides, Lyle lives practically right next to Hanford—it is probably Hanford, in fact, that is primarily responsible for Lyle's supergeniousity—and I'm sure he can come up with a low-cost solution involving chicken jerky and bubble gum. Or not. After all, a little bit of radiation never hurt anybody. That I know. Now if you will excuse me, our pizza has just been delivered. I may have more to say later about how sadly neglected California's air quality seems to have been during my absence.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/483666 Sat, 19 Jul 2008 06:06:34 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/483666 Starting Odometer Reading today: 16,527 km Ending Odometer Reading: 16,596 km Distance Trave ... http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/483146 Thu, 17 Jul 2008 18:23:02 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/483146 Starting Odometer Reading today: 16,135 km Ending Odometer Reading: 16,527 km Distance Trave ... is something of a beast. And I'm pretty sure he's not even a super genius. I may have more for you later, Littermates—stay tuned.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/482718 Wed, 16 Jul 2008 14:33:17 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/482718 Evidently, your average super genius—if that is not an oxymoron—is a bit on the touchy side, at leas ... Evidently, your average super genius—if that is not an oxymoron—is a bit on the touchy side, at least if Lyle is anything to go by. I'm getting along quite well with the girls—and even being polite about it so far—but Lyle doesn't seem to care for me much. Too many genius pheromones in one room, I guess. Or perhaps I'm interrupting an important cogitation of some sort. But I must say, if Lyle is performing any sort of super genius cogitations, he is doing it so smoothly that one certainly does not seem to see the gears turning, as it were. If one did not know better, one could easily imagine that nothing at all was going on behind those big brown eyes. It's really a startlingly effective illusion. Meanwhile, I, myself am considering giving up the life of the mind in favor of a career in modeling. I had my first big photo shoot with Mike this morning, and everyone agrees that I'm a natural. I never really wanted to be a bird dog, anyway.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/482493 Tue, 15 Jul 2008 22:58:31 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/482493 Starting Odometer Reading today: 15,792 km Ending Odometer Reading: 16,135 Distance Traveled ... On the road again Turns out the crack team of Russian mechanics consisted only of Sergei himself. But, when you consider that Sergei is almost undoubtedly the best Ural mechanic in North America, that is no bad thing. And he devoted his attention exclusively to DexCorp 1 for the entire four hours or so it took to get everything all squared away. The first thing Sergei discovered when he removed the rear wheel was that one of the springs that causes the brake shoes to retract after use was broken. That probably caused the rear brake to drag, not enough for the biped to notice, but enough to generate a fair amount of heat, which was then transmitted to the final drive, causing pressure and blowing the seal—for those of you, like Star, who care about this sort of thing. When Sergei was all done reassembling my ride, he pronounced DexCorp 1 “good motorcycle.” Marymoor Dog Park Fascinating as all of that mechanical stuff no doubt was, we did not actually have to sit through most of it. Thanks to Magnuson, we knew that there was an excellent dog park quite near where we were. Thanks so Jason Rae, the Director of Operations at Ural, we found out that the Sammamish River trail, which leads to Marymoor Park, runs right behind the Ural building. So the biped and I set out on a 2 ½ hour walking adventure, only about half an hour of which was actually at the dog park. Nevertheless, we got our exercise today. And it is a very cool park. Dexter drives on deeper into Washington We were prepared for the possibility of spending another night in the Kirkland/Redmond area. But Sergei had us out the door by about 2:45, so we decided to go ahead and make a run southeast to Richland, were we are now comfortably installed at the casa de Lyle, Spring, and Maebe. We have been out for walk together. We are, for the most part, ignoring one another quite amicably. When I know more, so will you, Littermates.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/481904 Mon, 14 Jul 2008 16:37:34 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/481904 Starting Odometer Reading today: 15,339 km Ending Odometer Reading: 15,792 km Distance Trave ... Another pretty ride Well, today was very nearly as scenic as yesterday, once we clawed our way up out of Kamloops, which is not a bad sort of place, really, but is not very scenic and smells a little like an old station wagon full of damp cardboard that's been sitting in the sun all day. We apparently saved ourselves about 77 km by taking Highway 5, the Coquihalla toll road, south from just outside of Kamloops to the point where it rejoins the Trans Can near Hope—which is, I believe, where Hilary Clinton once came under sniper fire from Sir Edmund Hilary. It was very pretty and kind of cold and uphill for arfing ever. There was a $5.00 toll, but that is substantially less than 77 km worth of gas would cost, so I can't complain. About that, I mean. I must confess that the thrill of merely riding in the Command Module has begun to fade a bit, and I find myself missing both home and my pup pals between stops. On the one hand, I would like to be home. On the other, I would kind of like to have stayed with my last pal a little longer. (Even if he was hell bent on disemboweling me.) I've been acting a bit subdued since we left Calgary. Nihon-jin to the rescue Just outside of Hope, BC--without, as opposed to within Hope—we stopped for lunch at a roadside rest stop. When we had finished our lunch, and the biped was just about to pack up, a whole bus load of Japanese tourists came rolling in. Since I was tethered to a picnic table more or less between them and the restrooms, they could hardly help but notice me. And they were gathering around and making quite a fuss over me—guess you don't see a lot of Gordon setters in Japan—even before they realized that DexCorp 1 was my ride. Well, they went positively bat spit over me when, at the biped's polite request, I hopped into the Command Module, and he put my Doggles on me. To judge by all the camera phones they whipped out, you'd have thought they'd stumbled onto a celebrity wedding featuring that potato that looked so much like Elvis and one of those water-stain Virgin Marys. So, anyway, that cheered me up quite a bit. And, in the interest of furthering good international relations—remember, these people drive on the wrong side of the road all the time—I refrained from growling at a single one of them. Just a shadow of my former self So, here we are at the Baymont Inn in Kirkland, WA, waiting to take DexCorp 1 into Ural North American in Redmond bright and early tomorrow morning. We reserved the room by phone from Calgary. The biped was very clear that he had a dog with him, and they said that was fine—it would just cost a bit more, was all. So we get here, after a pretty long and tiring day on the road, and the biped goes in to check in. One of the things they want him to sign is their pet policy. He almost, but not quite, made the mistake of actually reading the arfing thing. If he had, he would have come across the previously undisclosed fact that the Baymont Inn does not accept dogs over 40 bs. But he didn't, so everything is copa-septic, right, Fred?]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/481521 Sun, 13 Jul 2008 19:37:07 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/481521 Distance in and around Calgary: 117 km Starting Odometer Reading today: 14,727 km Ending Odo ... Spectacular... I'm pretty sure that, if I hadn't slept through most of it, I would be able to report unequivocally that today's ride was far and away the most scenic of the trip so far. It was certainly the longest. We rode through Banff, Yoho, and Glacier National parks. And, although we didn't aret for anything but gas, and didn't see much in the way of animal savages (French for wildlife), we did learn that the French word for lake is lac, so it was an educational as well as scenic day. But windy In one of Martin Cruz Smith's recent novels, there is a scene in which the protagonist, Arkady, is trying to decide which of several used motorcycles to buy from a shady mechanic. One of them is a Ural. The mechanic says, “If you want to go fast on a Ural, drive it off a cliff.” Which seems like sound advice, I grant you. But, after today, I'm just not sure it would work. Not in a headwind, anyway. Several times this afternoon, we were driving into headwinds such that the biped was having difficulty maintaining 50 mph downhill! Losing the thread I don't know how many of you have been trying to keep track of our progress on the route map on my page. Even though we had made several small deviations from the planned route before today, the scale of the map is such that you could hardly have told the difference even if we had corrected the map, which we are currently in no position to do, anyway. But today's little excursion has got us pretty far away from that length of red yarn. Calgary is no longer the apex of our blitzkrieg spear thrust into the soft underbelly of Canada. Rather, our line of advance now proceeds more or less due westward from Calgary to Kamloops, at a point generally north/northeast of Nowhere At All, Washington. Wester than west... Or: It's earlier than you think. Or: There's no time zone like the present. Ah! Pacific Daylight Time. Feels like we're almost home. Constructive criticism Being the well traveled, diplomatic, cosmopolitan sort of dog I am, I know full well how annoying foreign countries can be. And how annoying snotty foreign travelers in one's own country can be. I have always therefore taken the position that, if it is absolutely necessary for a stranger in a strange land to offer up some sort of criticism, that criticism should be constructive in nature and couched only in the most positive terms. Unless, of course, the country is France, in which case, all bets are off. But we are speaking here of British Columbia, the California of Canada, which is only almost a whole nother country. Nevertheless. If I were pressed to offer any advice to my British Columbian friends, it would be this: I truly believe that you could drive even better than you already drive, that you could cause even fewer senseless head-ons on the Trans Canada Highway than you already cause, if you would just, oh, say, once a week, get your collective heads out of your collective arses. The mere fact that we have traveled over 7500 kilometers through California, Arizona, New Mexico, Texas, Oklahoma, Kansas, Nebraska, Iowa, Minnesota, South Dakota, Montana, and Alberta without ever seeing driving even approaching the level of rank stupidity we have seen repeatedly today in British Columbia does not for a moment cause us to think British Columbians are morons. Far from it. If any of those other people had their heads half as far up there arses as you do, I'll bet they'd scarcely be able to drive at all. Still. You might want to consider pulling it out once in a while. That's all I'm saying.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/481054 Sat, 12 Jul 2008 20:02:30 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/481054 This morning, the biped and I went for a very nice motorcycle ride with Eli's people, Janet and Ken. ... I was crushed—Janet and Ken each has her/his own motorcycle, but not a sidecar between them. Thus, poor Cujo... er... Eli was unable to come along. While we were riding, Janet noticed that neither the brake light nor the tail light on the motorcycle portion of DexCorp 1 was working, though the lights on the Command Module were OK. The biped found this news disquieting, but he figured we could get to Redmond on one tail light and one brake light. But, later in the same ride, Janet noticed that the lights on the Command Module were no longer working either. Well, now the biped was bummed. He could not contemplate riding 1000 km with no brake lights at all. And here it was Saturday morning, with a deadline looming for heading off to the Calgary Stampede. And then, tomorrow, of course, is Sunday, and our revised schedule absolutely required that we get on the road first thing. What to do? Well, for a start, he decided to open up the tail-light housing to see what he could see. But he was not particularly optimistic—he is not known for his mechanical/electrical prowess. But, once he had the lens off, what should he find but a little screw rolling around. It was a screw that should have been securing a ground wire to the taillight bulb. The plastic into which the screw should have been threaded was melted, and the screw could not be put back. So, a loose screw causes arcing, which melts it's surroundings, causing the screw to fall out entirely, causing the taillight to fail, and--and this is the biped's brilliant epiphany—causing a fuse to blow, which accounts for the failure of the lights on the Command Module. That was his hypothesis, anyway. He found the blown fuse. Ken had a matching fuse in his collection. The biped drilled a new hole through the melted plastic, so that he could thread the little screw back in. At that point, everything worked except the brake light on the Command Module. Further investigation revealed a broken filament in the bulb. Ken had a matching bulb in his collection! So, we're good to go in the morning. And some of us—by which I mean not me—had a very fine time this afternoon at the Calgary stampede, while others of us—that would be me—cooled their heels in the back yard for several hours.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/480586 Fri, 11 Jul 2008 15:25:30 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/480586 The biped has made another one of those executive decisions he is so fond of ramming down my throat. ... insulate. On another subject entirely: Eli and I are great pals at the dog park. And they've got some great dog parks here in Calgary. I shall try to prevail upon the biped to get a picture or two before we go. The boy only gets canicidal around hearth and home. If we had more time... a lot more time... But we don't.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/480407 Fri, 11 Jul 2008 07:28:35 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/480407 During the course of this little adventure, I have found a variety of ways to embarrass the biped at ... friendly toward other dogs (Finlay, Nali), to a spot of carpet marking (Allen, TX; Paullina, IA; Belle Plaine, MN). But here in Calgary, Eli almost succeeded in putting me off my game. If I wanted to be inappropriately unfriendly toward Eli, I would have to make myself heard above Eli's snapping and snarling and absolutely demented barking. Can't be done. If I wanted to be inappropriately friendly, I would first have to get within a country kilometer of the boy without getting disemboweled. I'm not liking my chances of that. I could mark the place up a bit, I suppose. But even there, Eli has somewhat stolen my thunder—the very day before I arrived, the poor boy (under extenuating circumstances, I will admit) crapped in the basement rec room. I mean, how embarrassing is a little marking on my part going to be? Last night, however, I was back on form in my embarrass-the-biped program. While all the people were sitting around the dining room table being sociable, and even occasionally praising my exemplary behavior and rugged good looks, I fumigated the place, not once, but repeatedly. The biped, who has developed a tolerance of sorts over the years, scarcely noticed at first. The others tried bravely to pretend not to notice for a while. But then the ladies' eyes started to water, and there was a great collective cry of “oh, Dexter!” (I was actually hoping that they would blame the biped directly—which would have been just that much more embarrassing for him—but my work—if you will forgive me for saying so myself—is just inimitable and, thus, unmistakable.) I got thrown out of the house three times. Let's just see Eli match that!]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/480117 Thu, 10 Jul 2008 13:57:23 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/480117 Starting Odometer Reading: 14,492 km Ending Odometer Reading: 14,610 km Distance Traveled To ... easily pass for winter in California, except that it's way less predictable. Last night's weather forecast said that there would probably be rain in the morning and tht it would get nothing but worse as the day wore on. Janet and the biped agreed that there was really no point in her or anybody else coming to Vulcan, and that the biped and I would be well advised to get as early a start as possible. Thus it was that we were up a little before five and on the road, breakfastless and entourageless, at six-fifteen. You might think that the Starship Enterprise would be on Galactic Savings time and therefore open for the purchase of hideous postcards. Alas, it was not. Sorry, Charlotte. We rolled into Calgary, dry but under a huge cloud, at about seven-thirty. Eli immediately tried to kill me, of course. But we have since reached a compromise: He now tries to kill me only if I am in his house or yard. At the dog park we're buds. I don't see anybody humping anybody in the foreseeable future.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/479832 Wed, 9 Jul 2008 16:58:53 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/479832 Starting Odometer Reading: 14,113 km Ending Odometer Reading: 14,492 km Distance Traveled To ... Alberta: The final frontier These are the voyages of the Ural Patrol, DexCorp 1. Our five-day mission: to explore the attic, eh?, to make friends with the neighbors then, to go bodily where no dog has gone since Tuesday. So here we are in Vulcan, a tiny little town in Alberta that has decided to make the most—the very most of the coincidence that it shares its name with a species of green-blooded, offensively logical aliens, of whom Leonard Nimoy is the best known example. This is Trekkie heaven, right here on the rolling prairies of Alberta, Alberta... where you been so long? There are two motels and a hotel in Vulcan. One of the motels looks pretty disreputable. The other one looks far worse. We tried the disreputable motel first. They were full up. Wednesday night in Vulcan. Go figure. So we tried the hotel, which at least has the virtue of being “downtown,” rather than right out on Highway 23. The Vulcan Hotel is upstairs from a bar. It is the kind of place where you can get a room with or without a bathroom—we splurged and went for with. And yet, it is much nicer than the fleabag motel we stayed in last night in Mediocre-at-Best Falls. And it has wi-fi. (The Montana place said they had free wi-fi. By which they meant, if you set your laptop up real close to the window, you could just about steal the signal from the Big Sky Bagel Bakery across the street. I spit you not.) Tomorrow morning, we will be meeting Eli's people (but not Eli himself, I think) at the Vulcan Starship Enterprise Visitor's Center (whoops centre). There will then be some sort of royal procession into Calgary. I believe something may have been said about barbecue and beer Friday evening. I'm glad we're getting really close to the point on the map where we can head south again—I don't know how much more of this uphill stuff DexCorp 1 could have stood. But, after Calgary, we can ride the brakes all the way home, it looks like. Note to self: Get Charlotte a really cheesy post card at the Starship Enterprise tomorrow.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/479807 Wed, 9 Jul 2008 15:31:34 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/479807 Starting Odometer Reading: 13,784 km Ending Odometer Reading: 14,113 km Distance Traveled To ... great fall. Granted, it's a largish place, and maybe all the best falling occurs in some other part of town. Granted also that I am feeling a bit lovelorn at the moment, and may not be as keen an observer as I otherwise might be. Still, I'm failing to see how this place got its name. I mean, how can it even begin to compete with a place like, say, Calgary, where visiting mad Australians routinely break multiple bones overbalancing whilst tying their shoe laces? That's a hard act to follow. If I were Montana, I think I'd just stick to that whole Big Sky thing, and leave the falling down to them as does it best, eh, mate? Poor Nali. She was obviously distraught to see me ride off this morning. It means very little to me, of course. I mean, bitches come and bitches go, and a traveling dog like myself tends to have one in every port. It's just that, you know, I feel bad for Nali, is all. And then it is a long lonely way to the nearest ocean. Snnnnxxxx! Hang on—I seem to have something in my eye... ... There, that's better. Anyway, best of luck to you, kid. Thanks for the hospitality. And remember—we'll always have Billings.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/479036 Mon, 7 Jul 2008 14:59:17 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/479036 Starting Odometer Reading: 13,644 km Ending Odometer Reading: 13,784 km Distance Traveled To ... I haven't so much as been out of the yard. But we thought we'd better report those kilometers as traveled today, lest they show up all erroneously in tomorrow's figures. Anyway, DexCorp 1 was serviced today, and everything is OK, except that the final drive is leaking gear oil like crazy, which is suggestive of a bad seal. Bob of Bob's Motorwerks does not have the wherewithal to replace said seal. So the plan is we carry gear oil, check the final drive level everyday, and top it up as necessary, at least until Salem, Oregon. The biped believes—and I am inclined to agree—that, if we can get to Salem that way, we can get home that way. we shall see. The biped and DexCorp 1 only got back from Roberts about an hour ago, by which time it would already have been pretty late to start for Great Falls. But we could not do so in any case, because we had to wait for the mail. And why would we have had to wait for the mail, you might well ax. Because I somehow managed to lose my rabies tag in Lincoln. And those perfidious Canadians would not have let me in without it. So the biped called the bipedess, who called my vet, who provided a new tag and certificate. But the bipedess, who is, despite her many fine qualities, sometimes a bit penny wise and pound foolish, sent it to us here in Billings by Priority Mail, rather than Express Mail or FedEx. With the result that I did not have it around my hot little neck until about ten minutes ago. But we are now ready to set out on the morrow. It's been a lovely stay—that Nali is such a sweet young thing—but I am itching to get back on the road. Hopefully, when you next hear from me, I will be in Great Falls, Montana.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/478621 Sun, 6 Jul 2008 13:50:53 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/478621 So, last night, Casey took the biped out to dinner at a local steakhouse, leaving Rajah, Nali, and m ... to) Gardener Lake. All at something over 10,000 feet. I confess, I was a bit puffed before we were through. But that did not stop me from being unusually photogenic. (And if you think it's just the Rocky Mountains in the background—and perhaps the skills of a professional photographer—that make the pictures... well, you're entitled to an opinion, but that's not it.) This afternoon, several of Casey's pals and their dogs are coming over to socialize. The biped says he expects me to be on my best behavior. Well, I can't very well be held accountable for his expectations, now can I? Tomorrow morning, the biped will be leaving early in the AM on DexCorp 1 to retrace today's drive as far as the town of Roberts, there to have DexCorp 1 serviced at Bob's Motorwerks. Bob (a BMW specialist) has apparently never actually worked on a Ural, but he comes highly recommended.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/478344 Sat, 5 Jul 2008 16:11:34 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/478344 Nali Nali is a very good-hearted little dog, and we are getting on famously. She likes to play. ... Nali Nali is a very good-hearted little dog, and we are getting on famously. She likes to play. She likes attention. I could not go so far as to say that she likes to be mounted. In fact, I am pretty sure, if the truth be told, she does not. But--and this is the important part—she seems almost entirely to lack that snippy visceral objection to being mounted that so characterizes many dogs (and bitches!). I mean, I think she'd really rather play some other game, but, as long as I am showering her with attention—and believe me I am showering her with attention—she is mostly content. Every so often, she will let me know in no uncertain terms that enough is at least enough. And I respect her wishes, I do. Sometimes for upwards of 30 seconds at a stretch. Rajah Rajah is a perfect gentleman. Very cosmopolitan. Very aren't-you-glad-we-live-in-these-modern-times-when-polyandry-can-be-openly-discussed. He objects to my mounting his main squeeze only when she objects, at which times he comes bravely to her defense, and he and I get into it a little. Otherwise, his is the very essence of civilized behavior.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/478115 Fri, 4 Jul 2008 21:20:47 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/478115 Starting Odometer Reading: 13,143 km Ending Odometer Reading: 13,644 km Distance Traveled To ... Back in the West, Back in the Hot It was cool this morning in Sturgis, almost cold. The biped was wearing his motorcycle jacket, as he has been since Lincoln. I was not wearing my cool-down jacket, which likewise had not been necessary since Lincoln. But, just north of Broadus, Montana, the temperature seemed to jump from about 75 to about 95 in the space of a couple of miles. So we stopped and adjusted out attire accordingly. It was over 100 by the time we got to Billings. Which would have been uncomfortable enough if the biped had not proceeded to get lost in downtown Billings for an hour or so. In his defense, I have to point out that, in Billings, North First Ave. and South First Ave. are not, as they would be in a less advanced metropolis, opposite ends of the same street. The are, rather, two entirely different and parallel streets on opposite sides of the railroad tracks. It's great fun if you're from out of town. But we did get here. And it was well worth the wait. Rajah and Nali have both been perfect hosts, and I've hardly growled at either of them. Casey has already taken multiple lovely pictures of me, at least one of which should be up on my page any minute now. The mid-west is a very nice area of the country, and we thoroughly enjoyed meeting our various pals there. But I have to say it is nice to be back in the actual west. I kind of missed it. The west seems to start at the very western edge of South Dakota. It is less tidy than the mid-west, less scrupulously polite. Less farmed, more grazed and mined. Drier. More nearly home.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/477676 Thu, 3 Jul 2008 15:45:17 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/477676 Starting Odometer Reading: 12,697 km Ending Odometer Reading: 13,143 km Distance Traveled To ... Deviant Dexter No, it's not what you think, honest. I was merely leading up to the news that we deviated from our itinerary today. We had intended to overnight in Eagle Butte—which I intended, amusingly, to refer to as Eagle Butt. But the biped checked the map at Blunt and decided to make a run for Sturgis instead. With the result that we are staying in a motel that is way more expensive than the one in Eagle Butt (ha, ha) and has Ethernet. Hence, I am not incommunicado after all. Not that I have a great deal to communicate, though. Eli apparently took my pleas about the north wind to heart: We had very little wind of any description today, and what we did have was out of the southeast, which suited us just fine. If this keeps up, I suppose we will have to buy that bridge from Janet when we get to Calgary. But Janet is a bone fide real estate agent, so I'm sure it's a very desirable bridge—nice views, good school district... that sort of thing. We plan to get all the way to Billings tomorrow. It will make for a long day, but better that than two short days that, being days spent in Montana, are bound to seem long, anyway. I'll be in touch, Littermates.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/477276 Wed, 2 Jul 2008 16:13:23 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/477276 Starting Odometer Reading: 12,311 km Ending Odometer Reading: 12,697 km Distance Traveled To ... Bird dog redux Before I bring you up to date on events since my last entry, Littermates, I wanted to tell you one more thing about our little nature hike yesterday morning. While the biped was busy collecting ticks—six and counting--I flushed a peasant, a big cock peasant with a bright green head. And if the biped neglected to bring along his shotgun, that is hardly my fault, is it? Quarky Dexter So, OK, maybe I am a bit quarky. But I am not one of your Nancy-boy bottom quarks (not that there's anything wrong with that). I strive to be a top quark. Failing that, I will cop to strange. The problem that arose yesterday evening is that young Finlay is apparently equally disinclined to take the bottom quark role. And yet I was so smitten when he growled at me that I just couldn't seem to leave the poor boy alone. Well, he went off like a super hero with an unlimited special-effects budget: zooming around the room bouncing off of all six structural surfaces, leaving his teeth snapping in mid air while his body continued its travels, ham stringing me, ripping out my jugular, and putting me back together good as new before I even realized I'd been mortally wounded. I just stood there air humping to beat the band and wondering where my cute little boy toy had gone. This morning, we both just pretended that it had never happened. A blustery day We hit the road again at about 9:00 this morning, after Kristy had fixed the biped an excellent breakfast and packed him two lunches, dinner, dessert, and a midnight snack—I'm pretty sure I was supposed to get at least a couple of those Milano chocolate-mint cookies, though (far chance!). Road work completely screwed up the first part of our Google directions this morning. The biped spotted three women who appeared to be taking a morning coffee break outside of an office building. I was sitting up wearing my Doggles and a debonair smile at the time, so the biped was pretty sure we would be well received if we stopped and asked for directions. And so we were. After taking pictures of us—well, let's face it, of me--the three sirens gave us excellent directions—much better than Google's, never mind the road work. A little while later, while we were sitting at a stop light, the biped looked in the mirror, and what should he see immediately behind us but a guy on a Ural Retro—our very first Ural encounter on the road. Then we made our turn west and began the rather frightening journey toward Huron in earnest. The wind has been howling out of the north all day—a right cross wind for us. And if there is anything more entertaining in a sidecar rig, Littermates, than a diminishing-radius, downhill, negative-camber right turn, it is a diminishing-radius, downhill, negative-camber right turn in a gusty right cross wind. Too bad I slept through it all—I'm sure it was great fun for the biped. But here's a little idea for those of you in Canada—and I could be referring to you, Eli—if you are sincere about wanting us to visit, you might want to rein in those howling north winds for a bit. Just a thought. Looks like we may be without wi-fi tomorrow, Littermates. So please do not be alarmed if you do not hear from us for a couple of days.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/476813 Tue, 1 Jul 2008 12:32:17 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/476813 Just take a left at Minneapolis and follow the red yarn. Actually, we're a good 40 miles south of ... Just take a left at Minneapolis and follow the red yarn. Actually, we're a good 40 miles south of Minneapolis and will not be passing through it. But if I said we were turning left at Belle Plaine, very few people would know what I was talking about. We'll be making our big left tomorrow morning. Actually, Dexter, we'll be heading south out of Belle Plaine, so the turn west will actually be a right. Oh, shut the arf up, would you? Actually. As I was saying, we shall be leaving the great state of Minnesota (Minnesota being a local native-American word for Would you like mosquitoes or ticks with that, Sir?) tomorrow morning. We had an outing to the local nature preserve this morning. And I guess the biped came away with a little more eight-legged nature than he was altogether comfortable with preserving personally. With the result that all of his clothes are now in the wash, and he is lounging around in his ridiculous boxer-style swimming trunks. I had a swell time, though. We even spotted a bald eagle. The biped has been trying to tell me it was really just a particularly large mosquito, but I'm pretty sure I don't believe him. I mean, that thing could have carried cute little Arya off all by itself—which I want to go on record as saying I would regard as a shame—whereas I think it would take at least eight of the local mosquitoes to do the job (and the little bastards want union scale, too). The biped used his new cell phone to call ahead to Huron, South Dakota to make a reservation at a Super 8 motel with wifi this morning, so you should be hearing all about tomorrow's ride tomorrow. Our next major stop is in Billings, Montana with Rajah Q. and Nali. Look for us there on July 5th, Littermates.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/476582 Mon, 30 Jun 2008 20:45:44 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/476582 Starting Odometer Reading: 12,022 km Ending Odometer Reading: 12,311 km Distance Traveled To ... Tasmanian Finlay We arrived in Belle Plaine at the Casa de Finlay (yeah, sure!) at a little after noon today. I was almost immediately enveloped in a galloping whirlwind of some sort. I was afraid it might be one of those tornadoes one hears so much about these days. But the biped assured me it was just Finlay in a welcoming sort of mood. Which may, in fact, be true—when the dust cleared, Finlay was intermittently in evidence. And, while I may have been somewhat gruff in my initial confusion, I was certainly politer to him than to either Star or the hypothetical Fred. Finlay acquired a new baby sister saluki just yesterday. Her name, if I am hearing correctly, is Arya, and she is, at a mere seven weeks, both immensely plucky and immensely cute. I hate her, of course. It appears that I have gone almost directly from being a cute puppy myself to being a grumpy old dog. Ask me about her in a couple of years, though—the kid's got promise. Stay tuned, Littermates.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/476376 Mon, 30 Jun 2008 11:58:48 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/476376 Starting Odometer Reading: 11,737 km Ending Odometer Reading: 12,022 km Distance Traveled To ... Missing Star The biped says I behaved very badly toward Midnight Star. And I suppose I did. But it was not mere mindless cruelty, I assure you. When we first arrived on Thursday, I will admit that I found her a bit... I don't know... off putting, I suppose. But by Friday afternoon, I found myself quite taken with her. I just didn't want to let on, for fear that she would laugh at and/or reject me. And by Saturday? Well, I was smitten, really. And what's more, I began to have the sense that my feelings, if I let them be known, just might be reciprocated. But I mean... where was it going to go? Nowhere is where. Star's heart belongs to Mac the Thundering Slobber Dog, and she is in Lincoln to stay. Whereas I am a traveling dog. And when I settle down, it will be back in California. No, it just wasn't going to happen. And, that being the case, the wisest and kindest path seemed to be to ignore her when I could, and growl at her when I couldn't. It was definitely time to move on. You know—just like Ricky Nelson (though without the flaming plane crash, please). I hope some day she'll understand. I do miss her, though. Those jaws!... to die in! Wabbit season It appears, Littermates, that, as a bird dog, I have simply been in the wrong line of work. It turns out that I am really a damn fine wabbit hound. And I might never have known if I had not visited Lincoln at the very height of wabbit season. They are everywhere! And I am on them like stink on spit. Or like dog on stink on spit, to be more precise (if somewhat less ideometric). And quick though the little lapidaries may be, I have a hunch that they are a lot more catchable than bird shadows, bird shadows. Fred So here we are in Paullina, Iowa, putative home of the illusive (and possibly mythical) Fred. And I wish to return to the general subject of ignoring other dogs. Sometimes you do it because you don't want to break their little hearts. Sometimes you do it because you're pretty sure you've got the DTs. Like, for instance, if you drive up in front of a lovely and perfectly plausible house in Paullina and you are suddenly accosted by a small (but not very small) grey horse. What is a small grey horse doing in a residential neighborhood of Paulina, you ask yourself. And, moreover, why is he failing to go away when you bark at him? Well, the only plausible explanation is that he does not really exist. And I, for one, am ignoring him until he admits it. The alternative is just too disturbing. June 30th: well, Fred may be real, after all. Certainly, his people, M & E (who, we have reason to believe are not real fond of being identified on the internet) are quite real. And quite generous and excellent hosts (even if the biped did get all the hot dogs). In their honor, the biped is wearing his new Iowa T-shirt all day today.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/475658 Sat, 28 Jun 2008 12:24:03 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/475658 Well, I was already in Lincoln, of course. But this morning I was transported in the Dogmobile in a ... in Lincoln, of course. But this morning I was transported in the Dogmobile in a motorcade down O Street (right after N; right before P, Dewayne) to the very capital of Corn Huskerdom. And my page now displays photographic proof of that fact, in case any of you thought I was really lounging the summer away in sybaritic luxury in Spreckels and just making this stuff up. And on the way home from my reception at the capital, we stopped for a very nice run at one of the local dog parks. Can you believe, Littermates, that I had never before been to a dog park? Shameful, I calls it. Now that I am a more cosmopolitan sort of dog, I shall be insisting upon more such outings. We've had a lovely stay in Lincoln. But it's time to move on. Bright and early tomorrow morning, we shall be heading north to face the unknown wilds of Iowa and the Fred therein.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/475429 Fri, 27 Jun 2008 15:29:35 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/475429 No, not leprechauns, Littermates, you! You know who you are. Your names are right on the tip of my ... you! You know who you are. Your names are right on the tip of my magnificent (and highly photogenic) tongue. I won't get all stuck up (or at least not all stuck upper) now that I'm about to be famous. I will still acknowledge you politely on the street and instruct my bodyguards to let you through. You know... if you're on the list. You will be able to tell your offspring that you knew me before the Lincoln Journal Winnie (or was that the Lincoln Journal Star?) of Sunday, June 29th 2008 hit the streets. The Journal Tim sent an ace team of news persons over this afternoon to get the story of my heroic and heartwarming PupPal Tour. One of them kept the biped occupied with a bunch of frivolous questions obviously designed primarily to keep him out of frame while the other took about a gazillion pictures of moi. I expect to be the toast of Nebraska by Monday. Can PupPal Tour, the Movie be far behind?]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/475130 Thu, 26 Jun 2008 20:00:34 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/475130 Apparently, they have so many bugs here in Nebraska that they have their own hazard/landing lights. ... Apparently, they have so many bugs here in Nebraska that they have their own hazard/landing lights. It's amazing! We just went out for a walk with Winnie and Star and Tim and Harry and Lisa. First, we saw tons--probably metric tons—of rabbits scampering all over the neighborhood. Then I started seeing little green flashes of light all over the place. Fireflies, says the biped. Lightening bugs, says Lisa. Amazing, sez I. They've got some really cool special effects in this place. Tim and I are becoming great pals. Winnie is aloof, but not unfriendly. And Star is not unfriendly, either. Rather, it is I who am behaving badly toward her. I don't know what it is, exactly. I think I find her a little intimidating, even though she has in no way tried to intimidate me. I'm getting better, though. I certainly wouldn't want to have to admit that she may just be too much female for me.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/474928 Thu, 26 Jun 2008 09:53:21 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/474928 Starting Odometer Reading: 11,606 km Ending Odometer Reading: 11,727 km Distance Traveled To ... much of a theme, I grant you, but it does have the virtue of being a classic. You know where it starts; you know where it ends. You don't have to rack your brain trying to come up with one more letter. Oh, oh! I know one: Mohawk! “Mohawk” is not a letter, Dewayne. I thought we were doing haircuts. Nope. Letters. How about “mullet”? Anyway, here we are in Lincoln, hanging out on the front porch of Midnight Star, Winnie, and Tim's house waiting for the people to come home for lunch. We came close to getting here without being rained on this morning. But, since motorcycle travel is neither horseshoes nor hand grenades, close does not count—we got drenched the last couple of miles. It's a nice day for sitting on the porch talking to you, though.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/474840 Thu, 26 Jun 2008 04:35:42 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/474840 The rolling hills of southern Oklahoma are very beautiful. Except for the extreme redness of the so ... http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/474691 Wed, 25 Jun 2008 17:54:01 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/474691 Starting Odometer Reading: 11,036 km Ending Odometer Reading: 11,606 km Distance Traveled To ... miles!) Distance Traveled So Far: 3991 km It's been a long, long day, Littermates. The original plan was to camp at El Dorado State Park in El Dorado, KS. But it was only about 1:00 PM when we got to El Dorado, and there was an outrageous south wind—great for going on, not so great for setting up a tent. So on we went. And on and on and on. Tried one motel somewhere in the middle of East Jebus, but they didn't allow pets over 13 lbs. If the cut-off had been 50 lbs., I'd have sucked in my gut and lied by 25 lbs. But we didn't figure anybody was going to mistake me for a King Charles Cavalier Spaniel. Not after they saw my feet—thanks, Kirby! So on we went. Tried a Motel Styx at Junction City, but they were full up. Headed on up US 77 toward Marysville, many miles away. Just when Marysville should, in fact, have been about 40 miles away, 77 was suddenly closed, and we were shunted onto a 25 mile detour. But we finally arrived here in Marysville, got us a motel room with wifi, and ordered up a pizza delivery. So, Dog's in his heaven, and all's right with Kansas. This morning, we passed through Ponca City, which is simultaneously in Oklahoma and the Ponca Nation. Now, I would be the preantepenulltimate dog in the world, Littermates, to try to tell Oklahomans in general, and Poncas in particular what they should or should not name their cities/nations. But I just happen to think that both of those place names would sound more interesting and—let's be honest here—less silly if they were spelled solid: Poncacity and Poncanation Then they'd sound like words you could use in sentences: The supercilious son of a bitch had the unmitigated poncacity to question my dispositions! The continuing poncanation of American youth will inevitably end in disaster. I had some other stuff I was going to tell you, but I'm just too damn tired. I'll check in with you tomorrow from Lincoln.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/474236 Tue, 24 Jun 2008 15:14:40 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/474236 Starting Odometer Reading: 10,729 km Ending Odometer Reading: 11,036 km Distance Traveled To ... If Uranus is in Texas, but you can't find it with both hands... Thank you. Thank you very much. Now then. No sooner had we left Albuquerque than young Kirby was telling all and sundry that I have big feet. Well, I have two responses to that. The first is: Yeah. That's right. The second is to tell my own tales out of school, as it were, about my more recent host, Maxwell. We will say nothing about the weight (or lack thereof) of Maxwell's entirely figurative loafers. It's really none of my business, and besides, you have no idea what I'm talking about, do you? I will say, however, that Max has a serious Ziplock (tm) sandwich bag problem. When presented with such a bag, he shreds it, immediately and without regard to its contents. Which is how it came to pass that the biped found our laptop power supply, USB memory sticks, and assorted cables scattered on the living room rug this morning in Allen. Happily, Maxwell had not chewed, eaten, or otherwise damaged anything but the sandwich bag. It did give the biped quite a start, though. And there was the little matter of my having done a bit of indoor territorial marking yesterday evening at Max's house. So it's not like he was altogether unprovoked. Still, I think the poor boy has a baggy-abuse problem. Rehab may be required. As to the corner mentioned in the title of today's entry: We took a sharp left at Allen this morning and headed north. We're about a third of the way home. The biped put my new cool-down coat on me this morning and kept me wet all day. Very nice! I've got half a mind to go back to Arizona and show it who's who now, Mr. Rainbow Shades. Thanks again to my benefactors.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/473946 Mon, 23 Jun 2008 19:34:49 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/473946 Starting Odometer Reading: 10,569 km Ending Odometer Reading: 10,729 km Distance Traveled To ... claims to have had a hard day today. Claims to have spent the whole day traveling to and from Storm Seller Motorcycles in Grand Prairie and waiting around there to have DexCorp 1 serviced. My heart arfing bleeds. He didn't spent the day fending off overtures from Maxwell. Anyway, he did get the bike serviced, so we are all ready to head north tomorrow morning. Oh, and I got a present today--a cool-down vest. Apparently, it was the brain child of Pricilla's mom, who conveyed it to Kirby's mom and Maxwell and Izzy's mom. I'm not entirely clear on who paid for it, and it didn't seem polite to ax. But I am grateful to everybody involved. It has my name embroidered on it and everything. Abbey (Max and Izzy's mom) said they tried to get one in camo, but that was not one of the choices. So she ordered it in the "manliest" colors availablle: blue and white. Looks good to me. On with the tour!]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/473941 Mon, 23 Jun 2008 19:25:54 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/473941 Starting Odometer Reading: 10,418 km Ending Odometer Reading: 10,569 km Distance Traveled To ... King of the Hill fans, Littermates. Those of you who are will know that Hank Hill sells propane and propane-related accessories in Arlen, Texas. I could not help but think of Hank Hill this morning when we passed Panky Propane in Jacksboro, Texas. I ax you, Littermates, if you had the fortune—good or bad I will not presume to say—to bear the last name “Panky,” could you, in good conscience, fail to name your first-born son Hank? No, me neither. Be that as it may, we are now safely installed in Allen at Casa de Izzy and Max. Once they decided it wasn't strictly necessary to disembowel me, everything went just fine. Tomorrow the three of us will get to hang out together all day while the biped takes DexCorp 1 to Grand Prairie to be serviced, and Abbey goes to work. What could possibly go wrong? Continuing Education 101: In Albuquerque, I learned to open a screen door. Here in Allen, I have already learned to use the doggy door—what a concept! I shall arrive home a very much more worldly dog.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/473415 Sun, 22 Jun 2008 09:56:22 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/473415 Starting Odometer Reading: 9965 km Ending Odometer Reading: 10,418 km Distance Traveled Toda ... Mr. Weather Dexter Dexter: Tell me again about the thunder storms, Boss. The Biped: Well, Dexter, such storms tend to be brief and violent... Dexter: And they happen when? The Biped: Well, usually in the late afternoon, but... Dexter: Say, Boss, what time have you got? Right now, I mean. The Biped: You know damn well it's a little after seven, Dexter. Dexter: And that would be in the AM, would it? The Biped: Yes, Dexter. Dexter: And would you say this was a thunder storm we're enjoying at the moment? The Biped: Good Dog! I hope so! Dexter: Because? The Biped: Because if it isn't, it's the end of the arfing world! Did you see that Dairy Queen float by!? Dexter: So maybe tomorrow morning we could sleep in a bit? The Biped: Certainly, Dexter. If there is a tomorrow. Dexter: Don't worry, Boss. I've got friends. Earth to Texas You no doubt already know that Texas is a big place. Everybody knows that. But did you know that Texas is so big that Earth itself fits easily within its borders? That's right, Littermates, Earth is in Texas. I know; I've seen the sign. Now, we did not actually pass through Earth, Texas, for fear of creating some sort of whiff in the space/time jumbotron or something—believe me, you do not want to have to deal with alternate parallel bipeds—but the sign said it was there, and in Texas, you are required to observe (and presumably believe) road signs—it's the law. And I guess it's not so surprising, really. I'm sure there's easily room here for Mars and a couple of Venuses, not to mention the obligatory Jupiter. And if you're looking for Uranus, who knows? You might could find that in Texas, too. (Though you may need to use both hands.) A brief history of Texas In addition to having lots of room for biblical storms and foreign planets and such, Texas also apparently has plenty of room for a rich and intriguing history. At least if the number of roadside historical markers are anything to go by. Unfortunately, all such markers are placed—whether by state law, I do not know—only on the left side of the roads. So we haven't actually learned much about Texas history so far, I'm afraid. Though I do seem to remember a car rental company.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/472911 Fri, 20 Jun 2008 18:39:25 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/472911 A big old park, a fetid pond, a real dead fish, and birds beside me singing in Muleshoe; and Mule ... A big old park, a fetid pond, a real dead fish, and birds beside me singing in Muleshoe; and Muleshoe were paradise enow! The Biped: About that dead fish, Dexter... I'm afraid we're going to have to get you into the shower. Dexter: That's OK, Boss. You know what they say: 'Tis better to have rolled and washed than never to have rolled at all.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/472835 Fri, 20 Jun 2008 13:54:56 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/472835 Day 5, June 19th, at the home of Kirbo the Turbo in Albuquerque, New Mexico Starting Odometer Rea ... Day 5, June 19th, at the home of Kirbo the Turbo in Albuquerque, New Mexico Starting Odometer Reading: 9062 km Ending Odometer Reading: 9580 km Distance Traveled Today: 518 km Distance Traveled So Far: 1945 km Piney fresh Dexter through a green and pleasant land Our ride this morning from Payson, Arizona to Quemado, New Mexico was delightful. Through mountain pine forests that smelled almost as good as the stuff that comes out of an aerosol can (not that the bipeds would use such device, mind you). The biped actually had to put his jacket back on, it was so cool. And the route was simple and straightforward, and we made good time. So much so that we reached Quemado—which did not seem at all burned, as nearly as I could tell—shortly before noon and were wondering what we were going to do with ourselves for the rest of the day. We were, in fact, sitting at a picnic table wondering just that right next to a road sign that said “Albuquerque 145.” Well, we were feeling pretty fresh, so we decided to go for it. By the time we got here, we were a bit wilted—it's warmish in Albuquerque—but it's all worked out very well. We've been getting the red carpet treatment from Kirby, his siblings, Goliath and Candy, and his peeps, Paula and Bryan. I had to warn Kirby off my food bowl once, but, other than that, we've all got on famously. Kirby has a whole half acre of fenced and mostly shady yard to run around in. And, believe me, I was ready for some off-leash time! (I think the biped might have been ready for those couple of two or three beers, too.) And we've picked up a day on our schedule, which may come in handy in Texas, what with DexCorp 1 being due for its 10,000 km service. Crazy or barking mad? There's run-of-the-mill crazy (the biped seeps to mind), and then there's barking mad. Like oh,say, for example the German fellow the biped and I ran into at a gas station in Show Low, Arizona this morning. The fellow was riding a powder blue Vespa motor scooter almost as loaded down as DexCorp 1. He apparently bought the Vespa in Vietnam, spent many months riding it around Indochina, and then had it and himself shipped to California. He is currently en route to the Grand Canyon, at the rate of approximately 80 miles a day. I think the biped's got his work cut out for him, if he wants to win any crazy biker contests. Day 6, June 20th, Mule Shoe, Texas Starting Odometer Reading: 9580 km Ending Odometer Reading: 9965 km Distance Traveled Today: 385 km Distance Traveled So Far: 2330 km Had a surprisingly pleasant and not too hot day today. DexCorp 1 seems to suffer from a touch of altitude sickness at much over 5000 ft., so the long, long uphill pull out of Albuquerque on I-40 this morning was a bit of an adventure. But now that we're back down out of the stratosphere, everything seems to be fine. How about some random thoughts and observations? There's a nice little park in Fort Sumner, New Mexico. In that park there's a sign that reads “Park closes at 9:00 PM, except for overnight camping.” This park has no rest rooms. Which leads me to a couple of conclusions: 1.If you get caught there after nine, you're in for the night. 2.If you're not a dog, you're likely to be uncomfortable. If the tallest building in your town is the grain elevator... well, you know the rest. Progress, Texas: Well, Maybe. But not so's you'd notice. Or Progress, Texas: You wou'na wanted to see it before. The very greenest grass in this part of the world seems to be in the cemeteries. If the dead aren't sprouting, it's not for lack of water. Perhaps they're planted too deep. I thought sniffing other creature's butts was basically a dog thing. But apparently, DexCorp 1 is wild to smell the hind end of every truck that passes us. Every time one zips past us and pulls back in front of us, DexCorp's pulse immediately rises, and he surges forward in a desperate attempt to get his pedestrian slicer where the sun don't shine. The biped says it's called drafting, but I don't care what you call it, it seems a bit perverse to me. So I like it, of course.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/472183 Wed, 18 Jun 2008 17:36:05 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/472183 Day Four, Payson, Arizona: Dexter on ice Starting Odometer Reading: 8607 km Ending Odometer ... Day Four, Payson, Arizona: Dexter on ice Starting Odometer Reading: 8607 km Ending Odometer Reading: 9062 km Distance Traveled Today: 455 km Distance Traveled So Far: 1427 km The biped is beginning to get this hot-weather-travel-with-the-dog thing down to a science. This morning, we got up at a quarter to four in the AM. We had our camp all struck and were on the road by 5:15. That's the first thing: get a very early start. Unless you are the sort who likes to drive at night, in which case, you should get a very late start. But the biped says he's getting too old for late-night motorcycle driving, so we go with early. In the early morning, when the sun is low in the sky and not inclined to shine on me or my hardware, the biped lets me ride with the tonneau rolled up. As the sun gets higher, and the day gets warmer, he sprays me down, scatters a bunch of ice in the Command Module, and deploys the tonneau. Every time we stop, I get water to drink, cold water on my head, and a couple more hands full of ice to rest my magnificent belly on. And I don't get out unless there's shade handy. So today, though another long day, was much more bearable than yesterday. Payson, where we are now, is at 5000 ft, so it's really not half bad here. The plan called for another camp out tonight. But we knew how worried you all must be about us, so we made the supreme sacrifice and checked into a Best Western with wifi instead. The fact that Google Maps, the Arizona Transportation Department, and the biped, working in concert, had so screwed up our route that we had been on the road for eight arfing hours to make 288 miles had nothing to do with it. No, indeed.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/472126 Wed, 18 Jun 2008 14:02:31 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/472126 Day One, Oceano, California: Carmel by the Sea it ain't Starting Odometer Reading: 7635 km E ... Day One, Oceano, California: Carmel by the Sea it ain't Starting Odometer Reading: 7635 km Ending Odometer Reading: 7886 km Distance Traveled Today: 251 km Distance Traveled So Far: 251 km Nelson showed up this morning right on time, and we got rolling at just after 9:00. Nelson rode the first 40 miles or so with us and took a whole bunch of stills and short videos. Some of them look pretty good on the camera's lcd, but we haven't seen them on the computer yet. The biped is saving that for tomorrow evening when we're in a motel room, and he can actually see the screen, which he apparently cannot right now. We're at the campground at Oceano, which turns out to be the delightfully sleazy sort of beach community that the biped thought no longer existed. It's cool and overcast--coastal--which actually feels quite nice after a hot day's ride. There is no doubt more I could tell you about our first day out, but I sense that the biped is about to go blind or crazy or both, squinting at the lcd in the daylght glare. So I guess I will give him (and you) a little break. Later that same evening: OK. The lighting's a little better now. We've just returned from our second short walk. This place really is Trailer Trash by the Sea (not that there's anything wrong with that!) In between our walks, I entertained myself chasing the many bird shadows here—to the extent possible while tethered to DexCorp 1 with a 25' lead. Not a bad afternoon's work. Oh, we discovered something interesting this afternoon: Either Google Maps has been short changing their metric customers--sorry,Canada--or our odometer isn't quite right. We scrupulously followed 271 km worth of Google directions today, but DexCorp 1 says we've only gone 251 km. Which, if I'm counting my dewclaws correctly, works out to about a 7% discrepancy. So, we are actually going a little farther and a little faster than the speedometer/odometer says. And our gas mileage, while undeniably awful, isn't quite as undeniably awful as it looks. Well, Littermates, tomorrow is another day, and we should probably be getting ready for bed. See yous. Day Two, Lancaster, California: Things start to heat up Starting Odometer Reading: 7886 km Ending Odometer Reading: 8155 km Distance Traveled Today: 269 km Distance Traveled So Far: 520 km We don't have a thermometer with us, and we haven't been passing a lot of banks--though I'm sure we could, by Dog (unless we had a headwind, of course)--so I can't tell you exactly what range of temperatures we've traversed today. But my guess is low 50s this morning in Oceano to mid 90s this afternoon here in Lancaster. And I'm pretty sure it's still getting hotter outside here--it was only a little after 1:00 PM when we arrived; it's about 3:00 now. Happily, we are in an air conditioned motel room, which is nice. But it is an air conditioned hotel room without the internet connection that the web site promised, which is less nice. So I'm afraid you won't be hearing from us just yet. Or seeing any of the swell pix/videos we've just finished having a look at on the eeePC. Our room is on the ground floor, with a parking space right in front, so moving in was easy, and we can keep an eye on DexCorp 1. When we first arrived, the biped thought that the unloading process would go most smoothly if he tethered me to the Command Module and put down a bowl of water for me while he unpacked. He thought that would be less restrictive, and therefore kinder, than leaving me actually in the Command Module. But, before he could even get my water bowl put down, I was tap dancing like Gene Kelly and crowding him out of my way so that I could hop back into the side car. Yes, Littermates, that pavement was hot. Realizing his mistake, the biped let me into the room and just dealt with having to open and close the door on each trip. So far, people have been remarkably incurious about our little adventure. This morning, as we were getting ready to get under way, the park ranger in charge of periodically cleaning the restrooms at the Oceano Camp Ground struck up a conversation by asking the biped what kind of motorcycle DexCorp 1 was. Which seemed mildly promising. Until the old fellow proceeded directly from that question to bending all four of our ears for fully 30 minutes about a midget miniature (yes midget and miniature) horse he used to have. Twenty-two inches high at the shoulder, it was, and 102 lbs. Used to ride in the cab of his truck with him and could whinny in twelve languages—or something like that; I'd pretty much stopped paying attention by that time. I mean, I'm sure it was all very poignant, from a certain point of view. His. Not mine. And this trip is, you must bear in mind, all about me, right? Oh, well. Day Three, Parker, Arizona: Long Day's Journey into Hot Starting Odometer Reading: 8155 km Ending Odometer Reading: 8607 km Distance Traveled Today: 452 km Distance Traveled So Far: 972 km Here's another astronomy tip for you would-be navigators out there: If it's eight o'clock in the morning, and your shadow is in front of you, you're probably heading west. Which is fine. Unless you're in Southern California, and you're trying to get to Arizona. In that case, you would probably rather be heading east. To his credit, it only took the biped about 25 kilometers to figure that out this morning. So that was one strike against today. But before we get to strike two, let's have a blue-collar comedy interlude: If the speed limit through your town on Main St. is 55 mph, you just might be a redneck. OK. We are now at Buckskin Mountain State Park, about 20 km outside of Parker. This is our destination for the day. When I was dictating earlier, it was from a fairly crappy municipal park in Parker proper. It was crappy, but it boasted a bunch of picnic tables uder a big roof, which provided more shade than we had seen all day. And we were desperate for shade. The only difference between us was that I knew it and he didn't. We left Lancaster at about 6:30 this morning. And, apart from that little mix-up near Victorville, things were going fine until about 10:30 or 11:00. At which point it started to get really hot. So hot that the ring bolts and snap shackle of my restraint system were beginning to make me antsy. The biped didn't know quite what was up, but he knew something was. And he had to stop in any case to transfer fuel from one of the Jerry cans to the gas tank. Once we stopped it became immediately apparent how miserably uncomfortable I was. The biped got the fuel transfered. Then he atomized me and everything I could come in contact with... piled some ice from the ice chest on my restraint hardware. Then covered the Command Module with the tonneau, and got back on the road as quickly as possible. We were still about an hour out of Parker at that point. And an unpleasant hour it was, too. When we spotted a park with green grass and shade about 20 minutes short of our ultimate destination for the day, we decided to take a prolonged rest in the shade. Which, the biped soon realized, he needed almost as much as I did. So let's just say that everything between the gas stop and the rest stop was strike two. Now we are at a very nice campground right on the banks of the Colorado River. In which the biped persuaded me not merely to wade, which I was more than happy to do, but to swim, as well, which makes me distinctly nervous. I believe the biped plans to start even earlier tomorrow morning and to schedule a md-day rest into the program. Right now, I believe I will send him off in seaarch of the wifi hotspot that the park ranger hinted may be lurking around here somewhere. Later: Evidently, she was misinformed. Another day incommunicado. Spit!]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/470821 Sat, 14 Jun 2008 20:12:44 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/470821 OK. The biped cleaned and shined DexCorp 1 this morning (removing the residue of yesterday's nu ... http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/470265 Fri, 13 Jun 2008 09:30:14 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/470265 Today--yes, Littermates, Friday the arfing 13th--is the 57th anniversary of the biped's nativity. T ... so off. And it's a good thing that our itinerary does not include (one hopes) Paradise. Because, according to this morning's paper, All roads to Paradise are closed. Yes, Littermates, that is an actual headline from the morning Herald. Any of you who might have been planning on crossing over any time soon will no doubt be relieved to learn that the Paradise in question is a very small town in Butte County in Northern California, where yet another wildfire is giving the locals fits.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/469977 Thu, 12 Jun 2008 11:50:26 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/469977 The wildfire in Los Padres National Forest that I mentioned yesterday is burning about 50 miles sout ... Until we found out that yet another wildfire had somehow got itself started yesterday in the Santa Cruz mountains, which are mostly north and somewhat west of here, across Monterey Bay. Today, the smoke from that fire is so diffused across the sky that you don't really see it distinctly as smoke. Rather, the world seems bathed in that golden autumn haze that the biped is so fond of. But then, it isn't his house in Bonny Doon that's on fire, is it? Anyway, I'm thinking we need to negotiate some sort of exchange with Iowa: a few cubic counties of their excess rain in exchange for a couple of metric mega-bushels of our abso-arfing-lutely no tornadoes ever weather. We'll even throw in a small beach and a box car load of anatomical implants in various shapes and sizes, if that'll seal the deal. Shake?]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/469587 Wed, 11 Jun 2008 10:34:53 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/469587 ...nor gloom of night stays these courageous couriers from the swift completion of their appointed r ... Given the season and our chosen route, I am not much concerned about snow--though Calgary may yet surprise me, I suppose. Rain does appear to be something of an issue, though, particularly in Iowa. Living in California, one tends to forget that summer is the rainy season in many less fortunate parts of the continent. But, by doing most of our riding early in the day, we hope to avoid the worst of the thunder storms, which, as I understand it, tend to be afternoon phenomena. As does the worst of the heat, too, you betcha. Gloom of night is definitely going to stay us, though. The biped really does not like riding DexCorp 1 at night--apparently, he likes to see the downhill, negative-camber right turns coming a good way off. Swift, of course, is a relative term. I'm guessing we could just about outdistance a Persian on horseback, but it would be a close-run thing. But what even the Persian postal couriers apparently did not have to deal with were wildfires in California and tornadoes in Nebraska (the latter, I believe, are God’s way of punishing Nebraskans for having erected the penis of the prairie, by the way). It now looks as if our very first day’s ride may have to be rerouted somewhat because of a wildfire burning out of control in the Los Padres National Forest. Happily, however, alternate routes are available to get us to the same campground in Oceano, so I do not foresee any delay or difficulty (what could possibly go wrong?).]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/468635 Sun, 8 Jun 2008 20:17:46 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/468635 Apparently, I just can't let the guy out of my sight. The bipeds go off to Tucson for a couple ... Atomize Whatever. It seems the biped noticed that it's hot in Arizona at this time of year. He began to worry about my comfort on the upcoming PupPal Tour, even shorn of my formerly luxuriant coat. DexCorp 1, for all its many fine qualities, does not have AC, after all. The biped seems to think that I will be more comfortable if he atomizes me every once in a while. First it was strategic worming, now it's atomizing. He seems to have nuclear destruction on the brain, perhaps as a result of all the strontium 90 he absorbed during his misspent cold-war yoot. I'm not a nucular psychiatrist or anything, but getting atomized doesn't sound like a very cooling experience to me. It has nothing to do with "nucular psychiatry," Dexter. What I want to do is take along an atomizer, which is just a little spray bottle full of water. When you look like you're overheating, I can spritz you with atomized water. Give you some access to the kind of evaporative cooling normally only available to those of us who sweat. That's all. Oh. Well, I still don't see why it has to be atomic water. Sigh. Don't worry your pretty little head about it, Dexter.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/467485 Thu, 5 Jun 2008 11:30:24 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/467485 Yesterday afternoon, when the biped and I returned home from our walk, we discovered the neighbors' ... way more interesting than a Greenie--I mean, unless you're a Sidney Greenstreet/Marlon Brando kind of guy. Which I am not. Morgan and I dashed around and around and had a fine time for upwards of half an hour before she started getting seriously snippy about my polite inquiries as to the state of her... cycle. Well, I think the poor thing must suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder or something, because she just was not interested in that facet of our relationship. Though, if I am to be entirely honest (and what are the chances?), I suppose I would have to admit that her attitude might have had something to do with my... well, I don't know how else to say it... my clumsiness. (I blame the biped for not doing a better job of seeing to my early socialization.) Apparently, your more mature female is not favorably impressed by a good old-fashioned air humping, no matter how vigorously it is undertaken. So, ultimately, of course, the biped had to see Morgan safely into her own back yard. I think he assured her that I would call. Somehow, though, I just don't see that happening.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/467051 Wed, 4 Jun 2008 08:59:08 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/467051 Too bad I won't get to see it. Well, the good news is the bipeds have finally contrived to get ri ... home from Tucson, too. So they will be driving, not one, but two, cars to Tucson on Saturday and returning in one of them on Sunday. None of which would be any fur off my vent, except that I don't get to go along. I will be left home, in the back yard, dependent upon the tender mercies of the junior bipup (aka Range Master!) to see that I am fed Saturday and Sunday afternoons. And, while the kid may be some sort of super hero, he is not one of my biggest fans, so I do not look for a lot of obsequious catering to my every whim. Maybe he'll bring Laura Lark and the mystery Pomeranian with him. That could be fun. Or not. Who knows? As long as the biped is home in plenty of time to set out again the following weekend on the PupPal Tour, I'll get over my disappointment at missing the Tucson trip.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/466443 Mon, 2 Jun 2008 16:42:33 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/466443 I trust you will believe me, Littermates, when I tell you that I am not a Philistinian sort of dog. ... by your leave in my direction, he went out to OSH, bought a metric bolt of the appropriate size, and affixed Little Dexter to the Command Module, as you can see in the two pictures above. Now, I'm not saying it doesn't look cool--far from it and quite the contrary, in fact. But if we don't get this show on the road pretty quick, he's going to have DexCorp 1 so loaded down with gewgaws, that it won’t make it out of the driveway. Time to stop decorating and start driving, sez I.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/466297 Mon, 2 Jun 2008 08:39:42 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/466297 Or are you happy to see me? Well, she was happy to see me, of course. I mean, who wouldn't be? ... Or are you happy to see me? Well, she was happy to see me, of course. I mean, who wouldn't be? But there was a faint whiff of Pomeranian about her. That is of no consequence, however--the Dog thy Dexter is a forgiving Dexter, even unto Pomeranians. And Ms. Lark seemed very nice indeed. At least, as nearly as I could tell from the back yard, where I was obliged to spend most of the evening. Even that outrage, however, was adequately atoned for by an offering of potato skins and tri-tip drippings. So, hey, I'm on board.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/466107 Sun, 1 Jun 2008 17:13:09 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/466107 This evening, we shall be entertaining--at least, I hope they will find us entertaining--the junior ... hope they will find us entertaining--the junior bipup and his new main squeeze (his previous main squeeze having turned out, for reasons unknown to me, to be not quite the keeper we had supposed, the biped and I). Discreet as I am, I would not ordinarily be giving out the young lady's name at so early a stage of the proceedings. But I'm afraid that Laura Lark is just too good a name to keep under one's hat. It is too good a name, in fact, for anyone other than the plucky female sidekick of a super hero of some sort. Happily, the junior bipup just about fills the bill. As I know I have told you before, he is, in plain fact, the current range master of the Luguna Seca firing range. So... Range Master! is born. You must picture someone a bit shorter than average, perhaps a bit stouter than average, with a Nicholas II beard, dressed more or less like a park ranger, wearing high lace-up boots and a slouch hat, with a WWI-era Mauser slung over his shoulder and an M-1911 in a belt holster. So far, that simply describes the range master. Add a small cape, and maybe a large R on the front of the park-ranger shirt, perhaps even a Lone Ranger/Zorro-style mask, and I'm thinking you've got Range Master! By day, a mild-mannered civil servant. By night, a mild-mannered off-duty civil servant and nemesis of would-be evil doers with a pretty good gun collection and a spanking-new girlfriend (I do not assert, mind you, that any actual spanking is going on). It remains to be seen, however, whether Ms. Lark displays a proper appreciation for Russian sidecar rigs and Gordon setters.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/465626 Sat, 31 May 2008 09:39:08 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/465626 Well, I'm sure my sudden lack of fur is going to stand me in good stead once the biped and I reach w ... always enjoy it. But I wasn't interested in spending much time at the pond--gave it one quick lap, and then I was ready to get on with the hike. So, while our hike this morning was--from the biped's perspective, at least--the same distance as always, it was of remarkably short duration. We were back home disturbing the bipedess's beauty rest by 8:30 this morning. On an only tangentially related subject, I don't know if I have ever mentioned to you, Littermates, that I tend to spin around quite a bit when I am excitedly waiting to be let out. Well, I do. And, what with the effects of centrifugal force on a pendulum--or, indeed, upon anything pendulous--the bipeds seem to think I cut quite an amusing figure these days. Well, if you got 'em, flaunt 'em, is all I can say.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/465274 Fri, 30 May 2008 08:45:15 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/465274 Once again, Littermates, I have been shorn of my beautiful locks, have only the strength of a natura ... Plus, the biped wanted me well ventilated for the Pup Pal Tour anyway. So yesterday seemed like a good time to have the friendly, if somewhat clumsy, groomers at PetSmart give me a buzz, render me cool for the trip, and start all over on an even coat for the fall. When you see me coming, you may think I look kind of skinny. But when you see me walking away, I can pretty much guarantee you'll be impressed. Especially in warm weather. It's a wonder I don’t trip over them.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/464973 Thu, 29 May 2008 11:54:21 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/464973 ... Pedestrian Slicer front number plate! Yes, Littermates, as you can see, I finally persuaded t ... No, Breezy it was not painful. He mounted it on the front fender of DexCorp 1.) Pretty slick, huh? Well. That's all I got.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/463940 Mon, 26 May 2008 16:34:20 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/463940 The bipedess expressed some trepidation yesterday about the possibility that the biped, DexCorp 1, a ... much more likely to get hit by a truck than a tornado. She seemed curiously unreassured.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/463776 Mon, 26 May 2008 08:53:06 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/463776 I sometimes think that never blows so red The Rose as where some buried Caesar bled; That every Hy ... I sometimes think that never blows so red The Rose as where some buried Caesar bled; That every Hyacinth the Garden wears Dropt in its Lap from some once lovely Head.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/463492 Sun, 25 May 2008 11:53:45 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/463492 Subhead: Henry David Thoreau: Pathetic Luddite or Latter-Day Nostradamus? It was Henry David Tho ... Subhead: Henry David Thoreau: Pathetic Luddite or Latter-Day Nostradamus? It was Henry David Thoreau who, in the 1830s, somewhat famously said Men have become the tools of their tools. I'm pretty sure he was talking about steam engines and other suchlike perils of modern technology. And, yes, you are correct, Littermates, in the 1830s, that was a pretty stupid thing to say. (It is the biped’s oft-expressed opinion that just about everything Henry David had to say was pretty stupid--and he's actually read On Walden Pond. Still, you must consider the source, I suppose.) So, anyway, Henry David wasn't making any arfing sense at all at the time. But fast forward a hundred and seventy-some-odd years, and think, oh, say, Elliot Spitzer, instead of the steam locomotive, and old Henry David is starting to look fairly astute. So cheer up, Littermates, just because you may be stupid today--and I'm not saying you are, Dog knows--doesn't mean--if you stay dead long enough--you won't look pretty sharp some day. That's all I'm sayin'.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/463308 Sat, 24 May 2008 19:40:59 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/463308 Are you familiar with those old-fashioned European-style number plates they make for the front fende ... way cool. He asked Ski where we could get one. Ski said that he did not then have any “pedestrian slicers” in stock, but he was able to direct the biped to another Ural dealer in Michigan who carries them. So the biped ordered one from the Michigan dealer. It arrived on Wednesday. We have not yet mounted it, or even procured any lettering for it. But we are having a local sign shop whip up a couple of vinyl decals from a CorelDraw file the biped created to my specifications. It will say “DEXCRP1” on one side and “PUP PAL 2R” on the other, orange on the black background of the pedestrian slicer. I'll post pix once it's on my ride. So that's one new toy. The other is the new ASUS eeePC 4G Surf that I've got the biped slaving away on (very slowly) even as we speak. Seems pretty slick so far. Definitely less irritating than an arfing iPhone.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/462836 Fri, 23 May 2008 09:30:57 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/462836 Yesterday, like today, dawned cool and overcast. Yesterday, unlike today, was also very windy, even ... like fall afternoons. But this was a spring morning. So something clearly was not quite right. When the overcast had cleared enough, it became apparent that there was a great brown streak in the sky, blowing over Greater Metropolitan Spreckels from the north. From a largish fire in the Santa Cruz mountains, as it turns out. One that burned not just woods and brush, but several dwellings, too. Reflection upon which kind of put a damper on my whole fall-afternoon-nostalgia idyll. No wonder they call the wind Pariah.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/462175 Wed, 21 May 2008 09:19:18 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/462175 We ah committed, befo-ah this summ-ah is out, to send a Gawdon sett-ah to Calgah-ry, and retuhn him ... Dog, make the trip in a Russian sidecah rig? They may as well ask why climb the highest mountain? Why, 30 ye-ahs ago, ride a bicycle to Vihginia? Why do the Giants play baseball? We choose to go to Calgah-ry. We choose to go to Calgah-ry this summ-ah, and go to those oth-ah places as well, not because it is easy, but because it is hahd, because that goal will sehve to aw-ganize and meas-ah the best of ow-ah enehgies and skills, because that challenge is one that we ah willing to accept, one we ah unwilling to postpone, and one which we intend to win, and the oth-ahs, too. Dogspeed, DexCaw 1. Thank you. Thank you very much.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/461889 Tue, 20 May 2008 12:09:09 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/461889 Well, that is the impression I get from listening to the biped. It seems the he was thinking undi ... very unsexy, out-of-date cell phone, and a laptop computer of some sort--possibly one bought just for the trip, possibly the bipedess's hand-me-down Acer. Then it occurred to him that, if he got a sexy new cell phone, he could perhaps get camera, phone, and internet access all in one device. And what is sexier and newer, I ax you, than an Apple iPhone? Not much, if you believe the hype. So the next day, Friday, the bipeds drove 50 miles or so to San Jose to go to the nearest Apple store and spend some quality time with a personal shopper with whom they had made an actual appointment (well la-ti-arfing-da, sez I from my confinement in the back yard). Turns out this particular Apple store is a hole-in-the-mall store staffed by spotty-faced, tattooed college kids (not that there's anything (much) wrong with that, of course). Their personal spotty-faced college kid showed the biped the camera function of the phone: Biped: What's the resolution of the camera? SFCK: It's a two-megapixel camera. Biped: Yes, but what's the resolution? SFCK: It's a two-megapixel camera. What do you mean? Biped: You know, resolution. How many pixels horizontally by how many pixels vertically. SFCK: I don't know. I'd have to ask somebody. Biped: OK. Please ask somebody. I'd really like to know. [SFCK goes away briefly] SFCK: They say it's a two megapixel camera. Biped: Can I change the resolution? SFCK: No. Biped: Does it have zoom? SFCK: No. It's not really supposed to be, like, a fancy camera, you know? It's just a camera phone. Biped: OK. Fair enough. Show me how to access the internet with it. SFCK: OK. See, you use the pop-up virtual keyboard here... Biped: Can I try? SFCK: Sure. [Hands biped the iPhone] Use your thumbs. Biped: [To the accompaniment of many facial contortions] Are you sure the touch screen is correctly mapped to the display? Every time I try to press "J" I get "H" instead. Every time I try to press "I" I get "U". This thing is arfing unusable! SFCK: You'll get used to it after a while. Biped: No I won't. I'll get mad at it after a while. And then I'll throw it in a drawer and never use it again! SFCK: Here. Let me show you how it displays the album-cover view when you turn it sideways while it's in media player mode. Biped: Thank you, but I don't really care about that. I was hoping that it would be useful as a camera and as a device for accessing the internet. It isn't. SFCK: Well, if you don't like the camera, and you don't like the keyboard, you're probably not going to like it. Biped: No. Probably not. Bye. SFCK: Bye. I don't know if I've mentioned this before, but the biped can be a remarkably childish person. He hardly spoke on the drive home (the bipedess tells me), so distraught was he that what he had envisioned as his next shiny new toy turned out--under his clumsy thumbs, at least--to be a worthless $400.00 piece of crap. He spent much of the rest of Friday, a good bit of Saturday, and some of Sunday researching UMPC (UltrMobile PC) devices on the internet. Sunday afternoon, he ordered an ASUS eeePC 4G Surf from Amazon.com. It's supposed to arrive Thursday. Let us all hope that he does not find it a bitter disappointment.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/460783 Sat, 17 May 2008 10:21:23 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/460783 The trouble with all this warm weather, Littermates, is that it tends to encourage, you know, life f ... life forms. Most of them with six legs and wings. Now, I am a reasonably open-minded sort of dog, as you all know. I get on well with most four-legged creatures. And I am quite tolerant of the two-legged variety, provided they either have treats in their pockets or are birds. But six legs are just two legs too many. I'm sorry. And don't even get me started on the eight-legged beasties. But, Dexter, you may be tempted to point out, at least eight-legged creatures do not have wings. Perhaps not. But they've got way too many eyes, and many of them are proficient parachutists, which is even sneakier than having wings. No, I'm sorry. I just don't approve of anything with more than four legs. Nor am I fond of anything with fewer than two legs, now that I come to think of it. And there are a few of the two-legged ones... but never mind. What I'm thinking is this: While there may no longer be enough corn in North America to make tortillas, feed cheeseburgers-on-the-hoof, and make ethanol incredibly inefficiently, there are by-Dog more than enough creepy-crawlies to make all the motorcycle fuel DexCorp 1 will require in 10 of my lifetimes. So why, I ax you, why, Littermates, are we allowing this precious resource to continue flying into our ears, where it does no good at all, when we could be shooting it through my twin carbs? Sounds like a failure of political will to me, Littermates.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/460356 Thu, 15 May 2008 20:56:14 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/460356 Well, the biped did invite me to come in and swim with him, but I declined. I just lay around in th ... did invite me to come in and swim with him, but I declined. I just lay around in the yard in the shade all afternoon. Around 5:30 or so, he took me out for a walk, which was kind of warm work, but doable. Then, just before dark, he put my harness and Doggles on me, and we went cruising in DexCorp 1, something that I had never done in the evening. Glorious! We went to the Toro Park 7-11 for Diet Coke. Both my ride and I got lots of appreciative oohs and aahs in the parking lot. A night ride was actually necessary, the biped tells me, to see just how far out of adjustment the headlight was. You see, the biped removed the windshield yesterday to decorate it a bit. And it seems that two of the bolts that hold the windshield on also hold the headlight housing in place. The biped was not aware of that important factoid until said housing fell out whilst he was removing the windshield. He's pretty sure there was no way around it, even if he had known it was going to happen. So, anyway, he put the windshield back on this morning (and had a great time trying to hold the windshield, the headlight housing, both bolts, and a couple of little rubber Russian do-dads all in place at the same time--but that is neither here nor there). When he was done, the headlight looked like it was pointing in more or less the right direction. But he thought it would be wise to check. Imagine his surprise when he found that we were actually lighting up the lower branches of passing trees, rather than the actual road surface. But the angle of a Ural headlight is easily adjusted with only a moderate application of brute force so everything is... wait for it, Fred... copasetic now. Well, whatever the excuse, it was a lovely ride. And--presumably because it is so very seldom warm here--there weren't even any bugs to get in our teeth.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/460227 Thu, 15 May 2008 13:50:06 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/460227 You know how I'm always complaining about how cold and windy it is here in Greater Metropolitan Spre ... I like cool, windy, and overcast just fine. Today at noon, it was 92 degrees here, with scarcely a breath of wind, and certainly no overcast. The wind is starting to pick up now, but that is not so much cooling us off as creating blast-furnace conditions outside. It's hard on a shaggy black Scottish dog. The biped seems fine with it, though. He's just returned from riding DexCorp 1 into town wearing scarcely more than a t-shirt and a helmet. (Don't dwell on that image, is my recommendation.) Both bipeds have announced their intention of doing some tethered swimming this afternoon as their primary exercise. Perhaps I will allow myself to be tempted. But I doubt it. As Maxwell says, you really can't trust water you can see through. On another subject entirely: Dog knows, the biped and I appreciate all the painting, remodeling, and just general sprucing up that is going on ahead of our impending PupPal Tour--some pups have even moved a couple thousand miles just to make our route more convenient--but, really, guys, it's not necessary. I am, after all, a shots-and-a-beer, seven-eleven-split, dog-of-the people kind of dog; not a fat-cat, I-have-no-idea-what-a-loaf-of-bread-costs, my-toenail-clippings-are-priceless sort of haute canine. Just keep our pillows fluffed, and we'll be happy as clams.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/459889 Wed, 14 May 2008 14:56:33 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/459889 I just know that you will all be as delighted as I was to learn that the biped's hamstring appears t ... know that you will all be as delighted as I was to learn that the biped's hamstring appears to be just fine. Yesterday, whilst I was recuperating from my ordeal at the vet's, he engaged in a whole series of stretching exercises that I have never known him to bother with before, and then he took the old hamstring out for a two-mile test drive. Apparently, it performed about as well as could be expected, given its age. The biped pronounced himself satisfied with it, anyway. Which is just as well, because I don't think the local hamstring dealer is keen on taking trade-ins. There is still the matter of my revenge to be considered, of course. I kept them up pretty much all night last night with my manic tap dancing around the bedroom at all hours--hey, I got plenty of sleep during the day, didn't I? But that was just for spits and giggles, as my dear departed pal, Jima used to be fond of saying. The other ax will really drop later, when it can be served well chilled.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/459603 Tue, 13 May 2008 16:55:38 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/459603 Whuuuuuh? Snort. Cough. Wobble. Jeez! Look... I'm sorry I peed in the corner of the vet's wai ... Snort. Cough. Wobble. Jeez! Look... I'm sorry I peed in the corner of the vet's waiting room this morning. OK? But is that any reason to cage me, drug me, scrape around in my mouth with instruments that could have been designed for the Spanish Inquisition, shave a bald spot on my side, do some more scraping there, and then throw me back into the dungeon? I don't arfing well think so, Bunky! Well, yeah, OK, he did eventually come bail me out. But still... As soon as somebody gets a handle on the--urp--pitch, roll, and yaw controls of this house--urp--I'm going to start plotting my revenge. And it's going to make peeing in the corner of the vet's waiting room look like a lemonade social. But for right now, I think maybe I'll go rest my eyes for a bit.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/459068 Mon, 12 May 2008 09:54:17 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/459068 Not having been deluged with offers of lodging from any of our recently minted San Luis Obispo pals, ... Pismo Beach--or Coachella Valley for that matter--without thinking of Bugs Bunny and the clam--or carrot--festival therein. Whereas Cucamonga just sounds sort of Mickey Mouse.)]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/458938 Sun, 11 May 2008 20:30:00 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/458938 Well, I wouldn't be flinging that winter garment of repentance too far, Littermates--it's arfing fre ... too far, Littermates--it's arfing freezing around here. Yesterday was a reasonably nice day here in Greater Metropolitan Spreckels. One bank the biped passed in San Jose yesterday said the outside temperature was 76. The biped was thinking maybe he'd give me a long-overdue bath when he got home. By that time, though, it was mid afternoon, and the wind had come up, and, although it wasn't unbearably cold, the biped nevertheless thought it would be better to wait for today to bathe me. Figured he'd do it in the late morning, after the day had warmed up some, but before the wind began to howl. Only the wind was howling at seven o'clock this morning. And the sun never came out. And the outside temperature never got above 60. Not so's you'd notice, anyway. So I did not get bathed. Which is hardly a tragedy, of course. But I'm just saying it's been cold here all. arfing. day. About half an hour ago, the biped broke down and started a fire in the fireplace. I'm pretty sure that May 11th is a record here for late-season fires, at least during my tenure. Which so far, of course, has been only a four-and-a-half-ure.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/458395 Sat, 10 May 2008 15:30:40 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/458395 Last night I imploded Saint Dexeter to supersede on the biped's behalf. Or at least on behalf of hi ... me a bit, anyway. And if it hurt him any, you couldn't tell by appearances, which, as we all know, are everything, as the saying goes. Once we got home from our hike, I was relegated to the back yard for a bit, while the bipeds drove up to TriQuest to retrieve DexCorp 1. Which is now once again back in its place of honor in the front yard. So all is once again pretty much right with the world (excluding a few trivial wars, cyclones, and minor genocides, member FDIC, batteries not excluded).]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/457999 Fri, 9 May 2008 10:37:04 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/457999 How many times have I told you, Littermates, change is bad? (The answer is several.) And the biped ... several.) And the biped knows it at least as well as you and I do. And yet, yesterday, he attempted to introduce another innovation into our routine. Here's the deal, exercise-wise: On weekday afternoons/evenings (depending on the seasonal shift in the definitions thereof), he comes out of the house at around 5:15 or 5:30, dressed either to walk me or to run me. And that's what he does, regular as (somewhat shoddy) clockwork. But apparently he has noticed, in the last 22 years or so, that it tends to get windier and windier here as the day wears on. He's not particularly fond of walking in the wind, and he downright dislikes running in the wind. So, yesterday morning around 11:30, noticing a blank spot on his otherwise full dance card, he decided to take advantage of that elusive half hour between when the fog burns off and the gale sets in to take me for a run. And he was feeling pretty good, too, so he was thinking in terms of a 3 mile run, rather than a 2 mile run. Well, yes, it sounds alright in theory, I grant you. But it was a change, Littermates, and change is--all together now--bad. About a quarter mile into our run, he felt a mild, but novel, pain in the back of his left knee. He kept going, on the theory that it would either go away or get worse. After a few blocks, it went (mostly) away. Then, just after the one-mile mark, it came back, somewhat more insistently. At a mile and a quarter, we stopped running--he informed me that we would finish out two miles at a walk. At a mile and a half, he decided he wasn't even much enjoying the walk, and we made a bee-line for home (you must picture a bee who limps and winces quite a lot). He's feeling better today, but says he's still experiencing some tenderness in the tendon on the right rear side of his left knee. He has gathered contradictory and confusing information about whether or not that's a hamstring--apparently, he'd like to think he has something in common with all those top athletes, and a hamstring injury sounds like a lot more fun than an ACL injury. He's pretty sure that the problem is with a tendon, not a ligament. I don't know about that, but if I'm smelling ham, I don't think it’s coming from the back of his knee. I don't know if I'm even going to get a walk today (if I do, it'll be at the regularly appointed time, you may be sure). But I by-Dog better get my Saturday morning hike tomorrow, or a sore tendon will be the least of his worries. So, anyway, Littermates, let this be a lesson to you: Once you've got a mind-numbingly familiar routine going, stick to it. (Unless, of course, somebody offers you a 6,000 mile ride in a sidecar rig.)]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/457692 Thu, 8 May 2008 12:54:57 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/457692 Now, I may not pay as much attention to--well, to just about anything, really--as I probably should. ... believe that this whole current election business started back in early January--earlier, depending upon what you want to count as the kick-off event. And we are now approaching mid May--over four months. And I'm pretty sure that the TV has told me repeatedly that I should call somebody if I experience an election lasting more than four months. But who? My vet? What would I tell him? Arf!?]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/457376 Wed, 7 May 2008 15:15:38 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/457376 ...are really no concern of mine, though I wish them well, I'm sure. What concerns me is that my ... me is that my own plans seem to keep ganging oft awry. As most of you will recall, the very first stop on the upcoming PupPal Tour was going to be Cambria, California, where I was going to be sponging off of... ahem… I mean hosted by my pals Breezy and Leja. Well, it now transliterates that Breezy and Leja, who may or may not be enrolled in a witness protection program of some sort--you didn't hear it from me--are suddenly upping sticks and departing for parts unknown. I hope it was nothing I said. So, anyway, the biped and I have had to rethink the first leg of our journey. Since we've already taken DexCorp 1 down the coast to Cambria once, on a practice run, we have decided to skip the coastal part of the program. Instead, we will be heading first up, and then out of, the Salinas Valley and on to San Luis Obispo, by way of Paso Robles, on the first day. From San Luis Obispo, we go on to Lancaster in the desert. Thence, we are back on our original itinerary. And, while this change of plan is mildly irksome to me (remember, Littermates, change is bad!), it does present any of you living in San Luis Obispo with an unparalleled opportunity to host the very first night of the soon-to-be-legendary 2008 DexCorp PupPal Tour. It would be for one night only. Turn-down service and pillow mints are not mandatory. We wouldn't even mind camping in your yard, if you're short on indoor space. Well, you can just think about it and let us know.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/456509 Mon, 5 May 2008 09:50:50 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/456509 But people sometimes ask me, Why, Dexter? Why did you crap on the lawn at Stanford? You're a relat ... Why, Dexter? Why did you crap on the lawn at Stanford? You're a relatively young dog. Surely, you could have waited? Well, you guessed it, Littermates--it was that fierce urgency of now thingee. What caused me to become, if not an agent of change precisely, at least an early depositor in the bank of the future. And while we're on the subject of my defecatory ambitions, let me just renunciate that I could no more remunerate the biped than I could vilify my own grandmother for short-term political gain. And anybody who doesn't think I wouldn't, just doesn't know me half as well as he used to could have thought he did. Nor I him, either. Thank you. Thank you very much.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/456368 Sun, 4 May 2008 21:49:40 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/456368 A number of very odd things happened today. First and foremost, I did not get walked or run or hike ... or run or hiked. Which would have me pretty thoroughly out of sorts, except that I did get to crap on the lawn at no lesser an institution of higher yearning than Stanford arfing University in Palo arfing Alto. And let me tell you, Littermates, it is not every day that you get to crap on the lawn of an institution that your biped's grandfather dropped out of shortly before WWI because his father had just become the first traffic fatality in Mendocino County and he (the biped's grandfather) had to go home and help out with the family business. No indeed. We got invited to a Uralists' get-together (no proctologists allowed!) at TriQuest Motorycycles in Santa Clara today. The biped thought that it would be an excellent opportunity to take a moderately long ride (100 km or so) with DexCorp 1 all loaded up as it will be for the Pup Pal Tour. So I spent the first couple of hours of my morning in the command module. Then I spent a couple of hours at Triquest tethered to the command module (see picture #2 above). Then I got put back into the command module, and we joined 16 or 18 other Ural owners for a ride to Stanford. I'd never been part of a motorcycle gang before. It was pretty cool. And when we got there, all the bipeds did was mill around in a parking lot a little basking in the inattention of passersby. So I must assume that the only point of that portion of the program was to allow me to crap on the lawn of the biped's grandfather's would-have-been alma mater. Very pleasant, I assure you, but it hardly seemed worth the fuss. Then we all piled back into our respective sidecar rigs and rode to a hamburger joint. We didn't exactly terrorize the other customers, but I'm pretty sure we puzzled them. Then we rode back to TriQuest, where the biped left DexCorp 1 for its 7500 km service. The bipedess met us there in the Forester, and the three of us came home together. Oddly, even without having gotten any exercise today, I find I am quite exhausted from all the unaccustomed excitement. Did I mention that I was the most strikingest dog there? Well, I was, of course.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/455832 Sat, 3 May 2008 10:36:08 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/455832 ...and even your high-flying Canada geeses, for I have seen the promised bird, Littermates, and lo ... ...and even your high-flying Canada geeses, for I have seen the promised bird, Littermates, and lo, the bird is on the wing. I may never get him, Littermates, but hot damn is it fun to try! I don't know if I have mentioned before that there are wild turkeys at Garland Park. Probably I have not. Because, although we frequently hear them, we had never come face-to-beak with any until this morning. I was frolicking around the Mesa pond, chasing the shadows of mere red-winged blackbirds and such-like trash birds. The biped was standing next to the bench, idly admiring my work. When, all of a Saturday morning, he was startled half spitless by a great gobble-gobbling noise right behind him. When the biped came down--he may have jumped just a bit and executed a 180 in mid air--what should he see not 30 feet away, but a wild Tom turkey, every inch of a meter high, casually strolling through the mesa grass. The biped thought I might enjoy the sight, so he gave me a whistle. (He may have been a bit put out with the turkey for startling him.) Never had I seen such a bird! And I have seen a bird or two in my time. I am here to tell you, Littermates, that your great blue herring does not hold a candle to a wild turkey. (And let me just interject here that, while I am all about chasing birds, I do not approve, under any easily foreseeable circumstances, of setting them on fire with candles.) So, anyway, I was off after that turkey like a shot out of a musket. And I'd've caught him, too, were it not for the inconvenient truth that wild turkeys, unlike your domesticated holiday dinner turkeys, actually fly pretty well. They need a good running start. And they leave the ground with all the beauty and grace of a fully loaded C5A. But they can fly. They just can't fly a whole lot faster than I can run. So I had a good hundred-yard run across the mesa, keeping almost right underneath my new friend Tom. Alas, he was able, in the space of that 100 yards, to gain enough altitude to clear the surrounding tree line and make good his escape. But, Dog! what a shot of adrenaline! I spent the next 15 minutes quartering the mesa on full afterburners looking for another one! It makes my tail thump the floor right now just thinking about it. If only we'd been in DexCorp 1, I think we could have caught him before he lifted off. Maybe next week.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/455594 Fri, 2 May 2008 16:33:07 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/455594 or It's still not too late to be sponge-worthy. Well, there's no weaseling out of it now. The ... It's still not too late to be sponge-worthy. Well, there's no weaseling out of it now. The biped has begun to ship cartons and cartons of books and CDs to InTrans Book Service of Kinderhook, New York. InTrans is going to be handling orders for him while we're off on the Pup Pal Tour. The tour kicks off on June 15th with a short ride down the coast to visit Breezy and Leja in Cambria, CA (the only town I know of with an entire epoch named after it). We will subsequently be enjoying the hospitality of Kirby In Albuquerque, NM; Izzy in Allen, TX; Midnight Star and her pack in Lincoln, NE; Fred in an undisclosed location somewhere in the Midwest; Finlay in Belle Plaine, MN; Rajah Q. in Billings, MT; Eli in Calgary, Alberta, Canada; and Lyle and his pack in Richland, WA. And we hope to at least be able to stop in for a visit with Sergei in Tigard, OR (home of the infamous Beast Men of Oregon). You may have noticed that what all these places have in common, in addition to containing pals of ours, is that they are kind of far apart. And we would not be at all averse to making some new pals who just happen to live along the way and wouldn't mind letting us camp out in their yards (or living rooms, whichever you think is easier). In fact, we would be more than willing to immortalize such pals in the trip journal that we fully intend to keep. So we would love to hear from you if you live in or near any of the following towns or town-like objects: Lancaster, CA Parker, AZ Payson, AZ Quemado, NM Muleshoe, TX Seymour, TX Shawnee, OK El Dorado, KS Huron, SD Eagle Butte, SD Broadus, MT Fort Benton, MT Lethbridge, AB, Canada Cranbrook, BC, Canada Coeur D’Alene, ID Klamath Falls, OR Red Bluff, CA]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/455161 Thu, 1 May 2008 11:49:13 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/455161 ...He's just a husband, after all. I don't know how many of you, Littermates, have nothing better ... anything to fill up column inches!) One gentleman--and I'm thinking he and the biped should form a social club--wrote: I'm a seasoned curmudgeon and have been retired for quite a while... If a man has been a productive member of society, provided for his family, been there for his children, and been a good husband, does he need to have his last little bit of soul sucked dry? I'm thinking that's one of those retirecal questions that does not require an answer. But, just in case, the answer is evidently yes. One woman wrote of the writer of the original letter (are you still with me?): She should enjoy her space and activities apart from her husband. Partners who are independent transition easier in widowhood than those who are joined at the hip. And it's not like you can't just rescue another one from the local seniors' center, is it?]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/454732 Wed, 30 Apr 2008 08:49:53 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/454732 While I am, by breeding, a Scottish sort of dog, I am by birth and upbringing very much a California ... irks me. Let us suppose that you are an early riser. By which I mean you're up by seven every morning. (I'm not talking crazy, get-up-and-milk-the-cows at five o'clock early here--we are, all appearances to the contrary notwithstanding, civilized here in Greater Metropolitan Spreckels.) So anyway, you're up by seven, ready to take on the dew-freshened world. Only to realize that any slug-abed New Yorker who slept in until 9:45 has still beat you to the punch by fifteen minutes. It just doesn’t seem right, Littermates. Oh, sure, we've got the jump on the Hawaiians. But just try dining out on that boast. (Not that I've got anything against roast pig or grass skirts, mind you.) It's almost enough to make a dog want to move to the east coast. But then it would be cold all winter, which might be OK, and unDogly hot and humid all summer, which definitely would not be OK. I just don't know, Littermates. I may have to sleep on it.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/454389 Tue, 29 Apr 2008 10:16:57 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/454389 A: Very well, thank you for asking. The bipeds have a big fluffy featherbed that they put on top ... A: Very well, thank you for asking. The bipeds have a big fluffy featherbed that they put on top of all their blankets during the winter months. In the summer, they take it off the bed and put it away. In the spring, it comes and goes with our whacky whimsical weather. Last night, the bipedess decided that the featherbed wouldn't be needed. Instead of putting it away, though, she folded it in quarters and put it on the floor next to the bed. I don't know whether or not she intended that I should sleep on it--I'm guessing not--but I did. And I've got to tell you, Littermates, a featherbed beats the spit out of your average dog bed. It doesn't yet smell quite "doggie" enough for my taste, of course, but that can easily be remedied over time. And, oh yes, a mint would be nice, thank you.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/453594 Sun, 27 Apr 2008 10:27:11 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/453594 Well, it's a slow news day here in Beautiful Downtown Spreckels, so I thought I would pass along to ... Married Life, which he and the bipedess abandoned me yesterday afternoon to go see. You will like Married Life if: You've been longing to see a late 40s period piece that has no reason in the world (apart from the cool cars and Pierce Brosnan's hat) to be a period piece. You're fond of possibly sincere, but distinctly pallid, Hitchcock imitations. You've always longed to see Pierce Brosnan channel Fred McMurray at his sleaziest. One dog poisoning. No nudity or offensive (or even mildly interesting) language. Best thing about Married Life: It's only 90 minutes long, which isn't much more than 15 minutes longer than it needs to be. That may sound like damning with faint praise, but, believe me, compared to many new movies, that is high praise indeed. Overall, the bipeds apparently found it a not altogether unpleasant way to spend a little bit of a Saturday afternoon. I, myself, personally, based on the biped's description, would give it 2 ½ thumbs up, except that... well you know.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/452958 Fri, 25 Apr 2008 13:35:44 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/452958 Well, it appears, Littermates, that I have once again blundered into political incorrectness in my u ... Coffee. It would seem that the correct term for what one might otherwise mistake for a disproportionately small head is not petite, as I had ventured to guess, but rather aerodynamic. Thus, Khalil Greene does not have a petite head. (Nor is he correctly referred to as a pin head!) Rather, he is the most aerodynamic player in the National League. Congratulations, Khalil, and thank you, Coffee.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/452668 Thu, 24 Apr 2008 16:36:34 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/452668 And they usually don't, of course. Even with the steroid-inflated Mr. Bonds, they usually didn't. ... with the steroid-inflated Mr. Bonds, they usually didn't. Without him, they're pretty pathetic. What? The San Francisco Giants, of course. Who'd you think I was talking about? Well, Littermates, I find myself gradually becoming a baseball fan. It's probably just one more manifestation of the Stockholm syndrome--and they don't even play baseball in Sweden!--but I'm a dog; what choice do I have, really? Anyway, the Giants actually won a game last night. Took them 13 innings to do it, but they did it. Against the San Diego Padres. For whom both Greg Maddux and Khalil Greene now play. I know, I know... as if you care. Every time we see him pitch, I have to listen once again to the biped's assertion that Maddux--for whom the biped has nothing but respect, by the way--looks like a chimpanzee in a baseball uniform. I can't argue with him. But then, all bipeds look pretty much like chimps in sailor suits, don't they? I mean, that's pretty much what they are, right? So I don't know why he wants to give Greg Maddux a bad time about it. As for Mr. Greene... Well, the biped just plain doesn't like the guy for some reason. His head's too small. It's like looking at Sara Jessica Parker's body with a Chihuahua head grafted onto it! A mildly disturbing image, I guess, but I can kind of see his point. Though why the biped should be so offended by a guy with too small a head, I do not know. Some of my best friends--and you know who you are, Littermates--have... shall we say... petite heads. So what? He looks like an eight-year-old wearing his dad's pajamas! Yeah. So? I suspect that the biped's real objection to Mr. Greene is that he's one of those pesky players who's always making a really good play or getting a bloop single just when you'd rather he didn't. The bastard!]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/451911 Tue, 22 Apr 2008 10:29:25 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/451911 ...the amazing new multilingual learning tool from DexCorp! [To be read aloud while watching--wit ... ...the amazing new multilingual learning tool from DexCorp! [To be read aloud while watching--with audio muted--the Rosetta Stone commercial with the perky young lady in the satin blouse.] Fellas... have you been looking for a little help in the boardroom? Or maybe you'd like to impress that certain special someone by slipping a little parlez vous into your most intimate conversations? Well, now you can learn to speak--hey! I'm up here, fellas--now you can learn to speak in tongues more quickly than you ever thought possible with DextExtraStones, the amazing new multilingual learning tool from DexCorp! Learn to speak French, Cajun French, Quebecois, Latin… even Classical Greek! All in the privacy of your own home with DextExtraStones! Your DextExtraStones multilingual learning tool will be delivered directly and discreetly to your door in a plain brown wrapper. You can start learning the secrets of unleashing your inner linguist today! And really, fellas... can you afford not to?]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/451182 Sun, 20 Apr 2008 09:36:13 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/451182 Biped: beep, be-be-beep, be-be-beep, be-be-be-beep [1-(800)DEXCORP] DexCorpPhoneBot: Thank you ... Biped: beep, be-be-beep, be-be-beep, be-be-be-beep [1-(800)DEXCORP] DexCorpPhoneBot: Thank you for calling the DexCorp Intergalactic Customer Service Center. Before we begin, please say or enter the 10-digit number of the phone you are calling from or about. Biped: You're the Intergalactic Customer Service Center, and you don't have caller ID? DexCorpPhoneBot: I'm sorry. I couldn't quite make that out. You may have a foreign accent or speech impediment of some sort. Please enter the 10-digit number of the phone from or about which you seem to be calling. Biped: [sighs] be-be-beep, be-be-beep, be-be-be-beep [(831) 555-1212] DexCorpPhoneBot: Thank you! Now, how can we provide you with a thoroughly satisfactory customer service experience this morning? Biped: Yes, I... DexCorpPhoneBot: You can say things like "I need more expensive service," or "I'd like to pay my bill now, please." Biped: Well, it's about this bill you sent me for $138.00... DexCorpPhoneBot: Thank you! I'll connect you with our billing department! Biped: Well, I... uh, OK, thanks. DexCorpPhoneBot: Thank you for calling the DexCorp Intergallactic Customer Service Center Billing Department. Before we begin, please say or enter the 10-digit number of the phone you are calling from or about. Biped: [sighs] be-be-beep, be-be-beep, be-be-be-beep [(831) 555-1212] DexCorpPhoneBot: I'm sorry. Our records show that there is no DexCorp service associated with that number. Biped: I know! That's why... DexCorpPhoneBot: Good-bye! [click] Biped: beep, be-be-beep, be-be-beep, be-be-be-beep [1-(800)DEXCORP] DexCorpPhoneBot: Thank you for calling the DexCorp Intergallactic Customer Service Center. Before we begin, please say or enter the 10-digit number of the phone you are calling from or about. Biped: be-be-beep, be-be-beep, be-be-be-beep [(831) 555-1212]. DexCorpPhoneBot: Thank you! Now, how can we provide you with a thoroughly satisfactory customer service experience this morning? You can say things like "I need more expensive service," or "I'd like to pay my bill now, please" or "I'm a real dick." Biped: What?! DexCorpPhoneBot: What, indeed? You can say things like... Biped: Look, I just want to talk to a person, OK? DexCorpPhoneBot: OK! I can connect you with a Customer Service Representative. But, first, please tell me a little about your childhood, so that I can properly direct your call. Did you ever wet the bed when you were a child? Biped: No, I didn’t wet the bed! Well, maybe once or twice. But that’s not why I'm calling! You morons sent me a bill for $138.00 for DexCorp DSL Service, and we don't have DexCorp DSL Service. Never have. Never will. DexCorpPhoneBot: Would you like to sign up for DexCorp DSL Service this morning? Biped: No! But you've billed me $138.00 for DSL service, and I don't arfing have DSL service through you! DexCorpPhoneBot: Please hold while I connect you with our DSL Service Department. Biped: No! I... DexCorpPhoneBot: Thank you for calling the DexCorp Intergalactic DSL Service Center. Before we begin, please say or enter the 10-digit number of the phone you are calling from or about. Biped: No! No! No! DexCorpPhoneBot: Well, if that's your attitude, Sir, I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to call back another time. [click] Biped: beep, be-be-beep, be-be-beep, be-be-be-beep [1-(800)DEXCORP] GenericPhoneBot: I'm sorry. The number you have dialed is no longer in service. Please hang up, check the number, and eat spit. [click] Biped: [to Dexter] Well, that could have gone a lot worse. Dexter: How so, Boss? Biped: I could have been trying to deal with AT&T.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/450935 Sat, 19 Apr 2008 17:08:45 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/450935 Well, the weather here has reverted to arfing miserable: cold, overcast, howling west winds that jus ... very vaguely) resembling a haircut in the kitchen of his office. Then I took a nap while he finished a very bad book he'd been reading. Then he thought he would follow my example and take a nap. So he turned on the TV and started looking for a baseball game. A Giants baseball game, to be specific. Apparently, no other team is quite so soporific. Unhappily, the Giants game was already over, so he just started channel surfing--OK with me; I can nap through pretty much anything. He never did find anything to go to sleep to, but, just before he gave up and turned off the TV, we saw a very disturbing report on Fox News. Apparently, the Pakistanis have just test fired a nuclear-capable missile with a range of 1200 miles. The Fox News announcer helpfully explained that that is roughly the distance from New York to Kansas. So, if the Pakis ever succeed in smuggling one of those puppies into New York harbor, it's lights out for the Jay Hawks. I would have thought the Pakistanis would be more interested in the great-circle route to New Delhi, myself. But I'm sure Fox News knows best.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/450540 Fri, 18 Apr 2008 11:30:35 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/450540 Biped: Evidently, there's been a moderate earthquake in Indiana, Dexter. Dexter: That's terribl ... Biped: Evidently, there's been a moderate earthquake in Indiana, Dexter. Dexter: That's terrible, Boss. How many tens of thousands of people were killed? Biped: Well, I don't think anyone was actually killed, Dexter. There's been some property damage. And people have certainly been shaken up--they're not used to that sort of thing in Indiana, you know--but no actual injuries have been reported. Dexter: Well, that sounds like the very simulacrum of a miracle to me, Boss. How is it possible? Biped: I'm not quite sure what you mean, Dexter. It really wasn't that big an earthquake. Dexter: Well, yeah, Boss. But, you know, when a bus blows a tire in Indiana, dozens are killed. When a train derails, casualties are typically in the thousands. I just assumed... Biped: I believe you may be thinking of India, Dexter. Dexter: So I was, Boss; so I was. Well. Nobody killed then, eh? Biped: Apparently not. Dexter: Well, good. Now I won't have any trouble getting back to sleep.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/450509 Fri, 18 Apr 2008 09:43:47 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/450509 Not only is that martyrdom-seeking finch still trying to break into the back of the biped's office, ... By your leave, Gov. I would evict them quite unceremoniously, I assure you, except that I'm worried they might put some fancy bird-foo moves on me, or give me Vile Nest virus, or something. And here's the really creepy thing: It's just like that Alfred Hitchcock movie... they have no shadows! It's just overcast this morning, Dexter. You don't have any shadow, either. Nevertheless.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/449667 Wed, 16 Apr 2008 08:50:48 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/449667 Yesterday afternoon, the biped was playing around with Google Maps/Earth, kind of getting directions ... almost read the license plates on the cars. So, anyway, the biped was flying around over his old neighborhood in Martinez, following various streets down to the old ferry slip on the Carquinez straights, peering voyeuristically into the back yards of houses that used to belong to friends’ parents, following Alhambra Valley Rd. out to Bear Creek Rd. and over to Tilden Park in the Berkeley Hills... that sort of thing. And apparently, it started kind of creeping him out. Like he was halfway expecting to see a sky blue 1960 Plymouth Valiant (pathetic, ain’t it?) parked on a hilltop overlooking Bear Creek Rd. under a full moon (never mind that Google tends to use daytime satellite images). Like one might spy, not just on any place in the world, but on any time, as well. Well, at that point, I said "Wait a minute, Boss, I think you've got a marketable idea there. Don't just go spreading it around all promiscuous-like; offer to sell it to Google." "But, Dexter," says he, "Just think of the technical difficulties. Why, you'd have to somehow get an enormous lens many light years out into space. You'd have to be able to propel it faster than light, so as to catch up with the past. And then you'd have to find a way to transmit the images back to earth faster than light, too. And that's just to get images from the past. I'm not quite sure how you'd go about getting images of the future. Why, it would take almost unimaginable resources to pull such a thing off!" "Well, you'd need venture capital, for sure. That's why I'd just set up a shell company and then sell it to the highest bidder. Let Google or MicroSoft or somebody worry about the piddling technical details." But there was no convincing him. He insisted on just babbling about it to anybody who'd listen. Happily, that's pretty much nobody so far. There may still be hope.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/448926 Mon, 14 Apr 2008 11:21:09 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/448926 Saturday: At about 6:30 in the morning we took DexCorp 1 over Laureles Grade to Garland Park an ... Saturday: At about 6:30 in the morning we took DexCorp 1 over Laureles Grade to Garland Park and had our regular Saturday morning hike. Spent a very long time at the Mesa pond, I chasing birds shadows, the biped listening to them sing (the birds, not their shadows). He seems to feel there is something particularly evokotive about the back-and-forth calls of redwing blackbirds early in the morning--not a sweet song, but one that reminds you of you're-not-sure what. Dog knows I'm not. Sure what, I mean. Then, Saturday afterevening, he took me for a regular two-mile walk around town, just as if we hadn't already had our exercise! A satisfactory day, all things considered. Sunday: Not a breath of wind first thing in the morning. So we hopped in DexCorp 1 while the hopping was good, and made a nice loop through Sea Scum (aka California State University, Monterey Bay). Not only did we turn many heads, we actually received a standing ovation. The two people doing the ovating were already standing--and indeed walking--when they saw us, but I'll take my standing Os as they come. Late in the afternoon, the biped attempted to take me for a jog, but I wasn't having any of it--too warm for this dog. I crapped out after less than a quarter of a mile. The biped alternated walking and jogging while we finished one mile. Then he put me in the front yard and went off on his own. Today: We are back to something like normal weather: a nice cooling west wind off the fog bank on the bay. I'm thinking it's not going to be getting much warmer than 60 today. The pugnacious pecker is back at it. Apparently, even the biped's very lifelike rendering of… well, of Dog-only knows what could not for long dissuade the little fellow from attempting to kill his own reflection. The biped has, I believe, transcended compassion and arrived at a fairly pure state of irritation. Happily, he is well aware that shooting a finch through a closed window would necessarily break both the window and any number of local ordinances. Well, that's all I've got, Littermates.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/447949 Fri, 11 Apr 2008 17:01:14 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/447949 The temperature is in the mid 70s this afternoon (a veritable heat wave, by local standards), the we ... Nelly’s secretary, who is flying out in this general direction tomorrow. She is, at least, if somebody hasn't grounded her plane because the prop-wash fluid hasn't been checked recently. Anyway, having conjured up some nice weather to impress the out-of-towners, I figured we should take some advantage of it ourselves. So the biped and I took a nice little ride on DexCorp 1 down the Salinas Valley on River Rd. I am spending more and more of my riding time sitting up and inflating my flews, which makes me much more visible to my adoring public and gets us lots of smiles and waves. You have no idea how much less irritating it apparently is to get stuck behind a slow-moving sidecar rig with a magnificent specimen of a Gordon setter in it than, say, a tractor with great gobs of mud flying off of it. When people wave as they pass us, they tend to use all five fingers.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/447742 Fri, 11 Apr 2008 08:47:02 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/447742 One sure-fire way to avoid reacting badly to any given stimulus is not to react to it at all. Or so ... perfectly understandable) mistakes of 1) confusing D for R and 2) confusing the gas pedal for the brake pedal, and thus found herself sitting suddenly in the lobby of the travel agency she had been parked in front of. This comic little excursion across the sidewalk and through the plate glass window took place about eight or ten feet in front of the biped--if he'd been in a bigger hurry, it might have taken place right through him. While the (unhurt) travel agent was screaming hysterically, and the (unhurt) elderly lady was turning an interesting shade of ashen grey, and various (unhurt) spectators were engaged in activities ranging from covering their mouths with their hands to actually determining that no one was hurt, the biped was just standing there saying--aloud, if he is not lying to me--"Huh, you don't see that every day.” Now, whether you would characterize this as calm in the face of crisis, or utter uselessness in the face of crisis, I think you would have to agree that it does illustrate the biped's point about not reacting--he didn't react badly. Of course, he didn't react well either. Which might, conceivably, have been a problem if someone had been, oh, say, bleeding to death. But what, the more alert amongst you will have been asking yourselves for some time now, does all that have to do with our jealous and overprotective little feather friend? Just this: The biped had been watching the poor little guy throw himself against the kitchen window for days, had felt mildly bad about it, and had done nothing whatever. Well, what was I supposed to do, Dexter? Go outside and explain the error of his ways to him? Well, no, actually. All he had to do was mention the situation to the bipedess again. She wondered out loud if taping something to the inside of the window might scare the bird off. Well, that's a thought, thought the biped. Whereupon, he proceeded to make a really crude drawing of two very large eyes and a beak and tape the drawing to the inside of the window. And our pugnacious little finch has not been seen since, having apparently decided that, while protecting your mate and your nest is a very fine idea in principal, discretion is nevertheless the better part of valor.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/447347 Thu, 10 Apr 2008 08:21:48 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/447347 Even as it blows, The enduring west wind sucks-- That's the way it goes. Actually, it's sunny a ... Even as it blows, The enduring west wind sucks-- That's the way it goes. Actually, it's sunny and calm this morning. And the paper says it will be warm today. I'm feeling cheerfuler already. I just wanted to show Fred that I actually can write a (very bad) haiku.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/447122 Wed, 9 Apr 2008 17:05:18 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/447122 Yesterday, it was cold, windy, overcast, and miserable all day. This morning, it was cold and overc ... Away out here they have a name for rain and wind and fire. The rain is Tess, the fire's Joe and they call the wind Pariah. Pariah blows the stars around and sets the clouds a-flyin'. Pariah makes the mountains sound like folks was out there dyin'. Pariah. (Pariah). Pariah. (Pariah). They call the wind Pariah. Before I knew Pariah's name and heard her wail and whinin', I had a gal and she had me and the sun was always shinin'. But then one day I left my gal. I left her far behind me and now I'm lost, so gol' darn lost not even Dog can find me. Pariah. (Pariah). Pariah. (Pariah). They call the wind Pariah. Out here they have a name for rain and wind and fire only. When you're lost and all alone, there ain't no name for lonely. And I'm a lost and lonely dog without a star to guide me. Pariah blow my love to me. I need my gal beside me. Pariah. (Pariah.) They call the wind Pariah. Pariah! Pariah. (Pariah.) They call the wind Pariah.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/446722 Tue, 8 Apr 2008 16:59:33 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/446722 Ah! Fifty-six degrees, overcast, a brisk 20-knot breeze off Monterey Bay... Why, if I didn't know b ... I find it cold, miserable, or depressing, mind you--why I'm sure this is weather much of Scotland can scarcely aspire to. But the bipeds get distinctly sullen when this sort of thing goes on day after day after arfing day. And it does interfere with my bird-shadow chasing, I must say. Nevertheless, as Dorothy Parker once famously wrote: Razors pain you; Rivers are damp; Acids stain you; And drugs cause cramp. Guns aren't lawful; Nooses give; Gas smells awful; You might as well live.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/446224 Mon, 7 Apr 2008 15:52:18 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/446224 The part of the house that the biped uses for his office used to be a one-room apartment and, as suc ... I like it--but I can't remember the last time anybody got mad about not being invited in. Then the biped started wondering why the little pecker came back day after day to engage in a fight he can never win. And why only to this one window? Our current working theory is this: The little bird must have a mate nesting nearby. He periodically patrols the area to make sure there are no intruders. And every damn day, he sees another handsome and sexy male of his species hanging out in the bush just on the other side of that window. One of these days... you sneaking Lothario! I can kind of relate, I guess--when I first got here, I used to see a handsome little Gordon setter puppy in the oven from time to time. But then, after a while, I figured out that it was really just my own reflection. But you can't really expect a mere bird to make that kind of cognitive leap. They are way too busy making their shadows disappear into our lawn, whence I can never seem to dig them out. Though not for want of trying, I assure you.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/445328 Sat, 5 Apr 2008 10:43:25 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/445328 The bipeds have, they tell me, been shopping at the same grocery store for the last 27 years or so. ... lot of gin. They don't. Typically weeks, sometimes months, go by between gin purchases. So, while you may be able to lay about half of Star Market's Tab depletion rate on the biped's door step, he really has relatively little to do with the rate at which Tanqueray Rangpur gin does or does not walk off their shelves. But, as it happens, yesterday evening he and the bipedess were feeling relatively festive, and the biped was dispatched to Star Market to purchase some gin and some tonic. He had just taken a fifth of Tanqueray Rangpur gin off the shelf and turned to go when Victor, who was coming up the isle behind him restocking, called out cheerily, "I'm sorry we were out of Rangpur gin for a couple of days last week!" The biped, after fleetingly considering taking an I-have-no-idea-what-you're-talking-about stance, instead sheepishly replied, "That's OK, Victor, we can always get by on Beefeaters for a couple of days." And maybe a pint of Ben & Jerrys, wot?]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/445081 Fri, 4 Apr 2008 16:45:16 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/445081 Knowing as I do that an idle mind is the devil's playground, I try to keep the biped occupied. Yest ... Very slick. And after he did that he mounted a second gas can on the sidecar trunk--the one you see in the picture. There was already one on the other side. So now we can carry five gallons in the fuel tank, plus a total of 20 extra liters in the two gas cans. We're thinking the extra range may come in very handy this summer. Finally, you will see in the picture the object that I am truly admiring, the new Dexterflaged tool carrier mounted on the sidecar fender luggage rack. The biped mounted that this afternoon with a couple of large worm-gear hose clamps. It is an object of his own design and manufacture, consisting of 18" of 6" diameter PVC pipe, with a cap on one end and a clean-out fitting on the other. The carrier allows us to get a bunch of stuff out of the trunk: bottle jack and handle, wooden jack block, tire changing tool kit, main tool kit, rubber mallet, and a couple of shop rags. The camouflage pattern is based on my "Capitalist Running Dog" photo. The bipedess seems to have adopted a tolerant, bemused, and yet condescending attitude toward the biped's on-going motorcycle fiddling. And I can sort of see her point, I guess. Until she drags out her latest needlework project. Now there's a quality waste of time. (But you didn't hear it from me.)]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/444588 Thu, 3 Apr 2008 11:55:06 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/444588 I don't like it, foggy or otherwise. Dew, I mean. I will gallop through mud or standing water or ... http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/444348 Wed, 2 Apr 2008 15:49:20 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/444348 We’ve got another one. We thought it up special, just for today: April showers. Spit! I thin ... April showers. Spit! I think we’re getting the hang of this. Fred is always an inspiration, of course.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/444204 Wed, 2 Apr 2008 08:50:46 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/444204 ...a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read -Groucho Marx Yes, ... ...a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read -Groucho Marx Yes, and let's keep it that way, shall we? I shudder to think what sort of apocalypse a lit match would produce inside the average canine digestive system. (I speak only of the average canine digestive system, mind you--we all know the sun shines out of my vent. Hell, you'd need shades to read inside of this dog.) In other non news, the biped got so bored yesterday afternoon, he actually took that silly "What kind of a dog are you?" quiz. Evidently, he is--wait for it--a German Shepherd! Which is no doubt a very fine thing to be, but... I mean... come on! I cannot help but believe that the result would have been vastly different if none of the above had been an available response--you couldn't drag him to a costume party; there better be a hosted bar at the modern art museum; and I think the best friend on the street would get a smile and a nod and a see you next week. I think a properly designed test would have pegged him for something more along the lines of a Rottweiler/Golden Retriever hybrid. Not so very different from me, when you think about it--who's to say who's on which end of the leash, after all?]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/443808 Tue, 1 Apr 2008 08:37:23 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/443808 Dexter: Boss? Biped: What is it, Dexter? Dexter: Well, I hope I'm not out of line or anythi ... Dexter: Boss? Biped: What is it, Dexter? Dexter: Well, I hope I'm not out of line or anything... Biped: You're pretty much always out of line, Dexter. Don't worry your pointy little head about it. Dexter: Uh... Thanks, Boss. As I was saying... Biped: Yes? Dexter: Well... Do you really think it's a good idea to be sounding quite so inhospitable under the circumstances? Biped: Inhospitable? Dexter: My last diary entry, Boss. I mean... It makes us sound almost as if we don't appreciate visitors. And I thought that, under the circumstances... Biped: Oh, that. We were just blowing a little smoke up their collective vents, Dexter. I wouldn't worry about it. And what circumstances are you referring to, exactly? Dexter: Well, the circumstances of our fixing to sponge off some of our best pals over a period of six weeks this summer. I mean, you wouldn't want to give people the idea... Biped: Well, yes. I see your occiput, Dexter. One wouldn't wish to sound stingy and ungrateful, would one. Dexter: No, Boss. One wouldn't. Biped: Well, how about this: We announce that we stand ready and willing, at a moment’s notice, to entertain any and all of our pup pals who show up in Beautiful Downtown Spreckels in a sidecar rig--accommodations in their choice of two sumptuous guestrooms, hot tub privileges, free pizza delivery... the whole nine yards. How would that be, Dexter? Dexter: Uh... Yeah, Boss. I'm sure that would do the trick. Biped: Well, then--it's settled. Dexter: Boss? Biped: What is it now, Dexter? Dexter: Sumptuous?]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/443446 Mon, 31 Mar 2008 11:52:20 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/443446 I guess I kind of wore the biped out with all that formatting for The Most of Big Brass Ones--he wan ... The Most of Big Brass Ones--he wants our next project to be a somewhat smaller one. He's thinking along the lines of an updated book of household aphorisms. We've got two, so far: No matter where I serve my guests, it seems I'd really rather not. and Be it ever so humble, get out! I don't know. I think it will find a niche market, at best.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/442633 Sat, 29 Mar 2008 10:01:52 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/442633 This morning, as the biped and I were hiking at Garland Park, we encountered our old friends, Peache ... her. Which happiness I lost no time in demonstrating by shoving my snout under her tail and following her down the trail as if we were engaged in mid-air refueling or something. Now, some dogs and bitches really don't appreciate that sort of attention, complimentary as it may be in its intent. Heck, most dogs and bitches don't like it, if it goes on very long. (Come to think of it, I don't much like it myself, when the snout is on the other vent, as it were.) And they have various ways of manifesting their displeasure. Some growl. Some snap. Some will give you a quick spin and a body slam (oh, baby!). But Peaches did none of those things. Instead, she did something utterly unprecedented in my experience: She simply sat down very demurely in the middle of the trail. Well, there's really no comeback to that maneuver. I had no choice but to tip my metaphorical (or is it metaphysical?) hat and be on my way.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/442302 Fri, 28 Mar 2008 08:56:40 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/442302 Charlotte to Dexter: Dexter, Clearly you do not live on a Navy submarine base. Is it coincid ... Charlotte to Dexter: Dexter, Clearly you do not live on a Navy submarine base. Is it coincidence, I wonder, that we live in a neighborhood of submariners who must--by nature of being in a submarine--be shorter than 5' 7" and have not one but FIVE intact pickups on our street? My suggestion: if you see the ball-bearing vehicle again, leave a spay/neuter brochure from the ASPCA under the windshield wipers. Then at least the owners can make an informed decision. Char Let me see if I've got this straight: We have, as a nation, banished the shortest of our naval fighting forces to the underside of the shrinking north polar ice cap, there to while away their time--lots of time--cruising around silently in boomers (presumably equipped with 8' Sub Nutz), contemplating their manifold grievances, and playing with MIRVed Intercontinental Ballistic Missiles? Well, I'm just a dog, but that sounds to me like a recipe for trouble of some sort. Not that I've got anything against short people, mind you--the biped himself stands all of 5' 7" on a good morning. And they won't even let the bipedess on the grown-up rollercoaster. But still... Short People are just the same As you and I (A Fool Such As I) All men are brothers Until the day they die (It's A Wonderful World)]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/441949 Thu, 27 Mar 2008 12:10:50 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/441949 ...Truck Nutz. Well, I guess the biped and I are just a little behind the curve on this one. My ... Truck Nutz. Well, I guess the biped and I are just a little behind the curve on this one. My pal Kirby informs me that every other truck in Albuquerque is what the biped's unsainted grandmother would no doubt have called a "ball-bearing" truck (that's how she talked about Tom cats, anyway). Colyn tells me that that is equally true of Vermont. And a regular reader who is not a Dogster member tells us he has spotted trucks thus equipped both in the Central Valley of California and in Oregon. I might be tempted to believe that the biped and I have simply been somewhat unobservant. But no one we have talked to here in Greater Metropolitan Spreckels had ever heard of such a thing, let alone seen it. I guess we're just too classy for our own good around here. By the way, if you really want to light up the life of your truck-driving significant other, you might want to give him or her (yeah, sure!) a pair of Brake Nutz. Ain't the internet swell, Littermates?]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/441506 Wed, 26 Mar 2008 08:44:00 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/441506 Although the biped does go on about... well, about pretty much anything, to be honest with you, it i ... on about... well, about pretty much anything, to be honest with you, it is not that often that you actually get some interesting information out of him. But it does happen, from time to time. And this may be one of those times. Apparently, you cannot spend 26 hours driving, over a three-day period, and not see something new under the sun. That BMWs have become about as ubiquitous on the interstates as Toyotas might cause you to stop and wonder if that says something ominous about the a$$hole demographic, but it is hardly big news. This, on the other hand, is: The biped claims to have seen (and the bipedess confirms it) an intact pickup truck on I-10. Now you might think that, if a truck is doing 80 on I-10 across Arizona, it would have to be pretty intact. But we are talking intact in the animal husbandry sense here, Littermates. That's right--this truck had a humungous set of huevos swinging back and forth betwixt its nethers, so to speak. And what I'm wondering is if it came that way from the factory. If this one did not, you can bet that others soon will--it's just too good a marketing ploy to pass up. Well, sure, we could sell you and the little lady a minivan, sir. Or we could sell you a truck with some real b@!!s. What'll it be, pard?]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/441320 Tue, 25 Mar 2008 18:21:25 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/441320 Beset the road I was to wonder in, Wilt thou with predestination 'round enmesh me And impute my fa ... Beset the road I was to wonder in, Wilt thou with predestination 'round enmesh me And impute my fall to sin? Well, I don't know what he was doing during the three days they were gone, but I'm guessing that it did not consist of hard partying with one of the bipups. Junior and I, in contrast, had quite a good time. There was pizza. There were adult beverages. There may have been the odd young lady in the hot tub (and really, she'd have to be, wouldn't she?). Yes, Littermates, we wuz living the high life at chez Dexter. Which is all well and good. But that sort of thing takes a lot out of a dog, particularly a dog who, by some reckoning, is fast approaching middle age. So running around Beautiful Downtown Spreckels this afternoon was not high on my to-do list. The biped, however, insisted upon it, despite temperatures soaring well into the 60s--I have made it abundantly clear to him in the past how I feel about exercising in the sweltering miasma under a blazing tropical sun, but he is utterly immune (or impermeable or inoperable or one of those in-/im words) to reason. So off we went at what he is pleased to think of as a brisk trot. Well, I humored him for the first couple of miles, but I pretty much went on strike for the third. I think I've got him considering the merits of a boat anchor as a jogging partner.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/440623 Sun, 23 Mar 2008 22:36:28 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/440623 I am not so naïve, Littermates, as to suppose that a single chairmanship--particularly one as imperf ... did throw my own grandmother under the bus. Kind of. But only for the best of causes, because she, no less than my very biped, has, from time to time, said things about cats that... well, frankly... things that I entirely agree with. But that is not my point. My point is that I could no more disown the biped than I could drive DexCorp 1 myself, more's the pity. Not without offending my political base, I couldn't. And while I do not, myself, for a moment believe--far from it, in fact--that parvo is a deliberate creation of cats working for the Clinton campaign, neither can I condemn those with whom I may, from time to time, have an honest difference of opinion. So can't we all just get along, Littermates, and come together and agree that I should be, if not the Chairman for Life, at the very least, the Anti-Cat? Thank you, and Dog d... Dog Bless!]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/439408 Thu, 20 Mar 2008 17:51:23 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/439408 Apparently, the bipeds are driving off bright and early tomorrow morning to rendezvous with the Seni ... http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/439252 Thu, 20 Mar 2008 09:39:05 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/439252 That, Littermates, is an actual headline from this morning's paper. Now, I am not a recipient of bl ... mildly concerned. Firstly, I really don't see why the FDA's probes should be tainting any blood thinner, let alone lots of it. If it is, they should by golly just stop all that probing. And second of all... Actually, I guess I was through.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/438847 Wed, 19 Mar 2008 08:35:30 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/438847 ...doesn't mean I was running away. Elvis exhorted me yesterday to take the biped for a good long ... deserved it somehow. Well, be that as it might (or might not), I am not one to disappoint a friend, particularly not when he's telling me to get out for a long walk. So, anyway, I told Elvis I would do one better than that, and take the biped for a run yesterday afternoon. Which I did. In the course of our three-mile jog, we twice rounded corners and found ourselves face to face with one or more other dogs. The first time, it was a rottweiler with his leashed companion biped in tow. No tension or hostility at all; it was just sort of a surprise to almost run into them coming around a blind corner. And then, about three quarters of a mile later, it was too young pitties, unleashed, but with their bipeds. One of them was fine. The other was a bit too... let us say inquisitive for my taste. So there was a tense moment or two before one of his bipeds pried his nose out of my vent, so to speak, and the biped and I were on our way. All and all, it was a nice little jaunt.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/437632 Sun, 16 Mar 2008 09:52:19 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/437632 Got the run yesterday. More important, got the hike this morning. Crystal clear and 35 degrees ... http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/437311 Sat, 15 Mar 2008 09:29:08 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/437311 Last night at bedtime, the biped assured me, as he does almost every Friday evening, that we'd have ... nearly as tedious as parts of Wyoming, I'm told). In my semi-stuporous confusion, I thought at first that we were sinking, and water was rushing through a bulkhead, or that there had been a catastrophic plumbing failure, or something of that sort. When I realized that it was only a spot of rain, I plonked my head back down contentedly, intent on getting a bit more beauty rest before the alarm went off. But before I drifted off to sleep, I heard a very soft but unmistakable click! from the biped's bedside. The bastard had turned off the alarm! Well, the next thing I knew, the sun was well up, the biped was eating breakfast, and I was pretty definitely not at Garland park. And here it is 9:17, not a drop of rain has fallen since first light, and we are still not at Garland park! Apparently the forecast calls for showers on and off all day, and the Nancy boy has developed a sudden phobia of getting wet--which is no doubt why he just spent 20 minutes in the hot tub. He claims the forecast calls for much better hiking weather tomorrow. So the plan for today is to get in a run this afternoon between showers. And we'll hike tomorrow. Or so he says.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/436766 Thu, 13 Mar 2008 16:32:49 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/436766 It has recently come to my attention that young people, despite the many fine quantities that I'm su ... me to go for a hike with him on said BLM land, Wednesday being one of his days off. And a very nice hike it was, too. Four or five miles through the currently greenish rolling hills of California, through oak groves, and grasslands, and semi-arid mesa-style landscape, all in one big loop from the back entrance of Laguna Seca. I ran and ran and ran. The biped and the bipup walked and talked and huffed and puffed and walked and talked and huffed and puffed. And most of their talking was no more edifying than their huffing and puffing. I did catch one interesting snippet, though. The bipup was telling the biped some story about someone he felt had been unjustly accused and convicted of something--I think it was someone in the nature of a historical figure, not a contemporary--and he said of this historical someone, He was sold down the railroad! Well, I mean, really! I'm just a young dog who hasn't turned so much as an old trick in a possum's age, and even I know better than to say sold down the railroad! I'm pretty sure the idiot he was looking for was riverboated. But I could just be blowing smoke up your leg.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/436333 Wed, 12 Mar 2008 10:46:34 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/436333 ...clearly had it coming. Sort of like Eliot Spitzer, but with more nutritional value--$4000.00 a p ... not part of this nutritious breakfast. And if you don't believe me, you could ask a professional. Well, this is the point at which I usually say something like But all that is beside the point. Which I would be more than happy to do today, except that I really have no point today, nor even a pretense of a point. The yard guys are here making a horrendous racket. I have to hide out in the biped's office until they leave. He can't return his phone calls until they leave. So it just seemed like an opportune moment for us to collaborate on a diary entry. Sort of a shame neither of us has anything to say.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/435540 Mon, 10 Mar 2008 09:09:48 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/435540 I don't know about you, but I think Dexter is a pretty silly name for a cereal killer. In my experi ... I think Dexter is a pretty silly name for a cereal killer. In my experience, a cereal killer is much more likely to be named… say, Fred. Or even Kirby. But Dexter? Give me a break! I love cereal.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/435320 Sun, 9 Mar 2008 16:53:36 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/435320 This morning the biped cleaned and polished DexCorp 1, which, I must say, was looking a little well ... And all being, primarily, running the dishwasher once a week.) But, anyway, it was nice to see him buckling down to his cho-fer duties without having to be bitten or anything. Once DexCorp 1 was looking thoroughly presentable, he took me for a nice long ride to show me to my adoring public, many of whom are in the habit of giving us the thumbs-up sign as we pass them (pedestrians) or they pass us (everyone else). I choose to interpret this gesture as one of approval and encouragement. Or perhaps these particular minions are just demonstrating to me that they have at least one thumb out of their arses. Works for me, either way. What the biped has not done yet today is provide me with any exercise. I believe this is a run-the-dog day. We shall see.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/434928 Sat, 8 Mar 2008 14:28:18 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/434928 Well, apart from the bath this afternoon, it's been a pretty nice weekend so far. Last night, the ... so far. Last night, the biped finished work on The Most of Big Brass Ones, 2004 – 2007. Advance copies will be going out in Monday’s mail to select pals (selected largely on the basis of my having their mailing addresses). It was a spectacularly nice morning at Garland Park this morning. The sun is finally starting to show itself even before 7:00 AM (and even before Daylight Saving Time). The Mesa pond, little more than a mud puddle a couple of months ago, is now fuller than I have ever seen it. And, at this time of year, there are virtually no burrs or stickers to lodge in my lovely fur. Furthermore (speaking of fur), the biped has not found a single tick (or even a mating couple) on me so far this year. Which is pretty inexplicable, really—with all this spring rain, you’d think the ticks would be having a field day. If Al Gore is somehow responsible for getting rid of the little arfers, I'll give him a Nobel prize. (I'll never understand why he didn't get one for inventing the internet.) The poison oak is fresh and green and lovely. Which bothers me not at all. And it doesn't seem to bother the biped much, anymore. At least, contact with me doesn't seem to do him any harm, as long as he stays out of it himself. It turns out, however, that if I've been in the poison oak, and the biped's been petting me, he needs to be a little careful about washing his hands before he gets very friendly with the bipedess. But she is in Anchorage until next Sunday, so that, alas, will not be a problem this week. So, why, you may wonder, was I forced to take a bath? Well, it's the horse spit again. I just can’t seem to lay off the horse spit. But, hey, if you’ve got to take a bath, today is the day for it. I’m easy.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/434025 Thu, 6 Mar 2008 08:36:33 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/434025 Green sleeves was my heart of gold. Green sleeves was my delight... But that is quite beside the ... Green sleeves was my heart of gold. Green sleeves was my delight... But that is quite beside the point, of course. Unless you have ever seen a young Gordon setter bitch in nothing but a pair of silky green sleeves... Where was I? Oh, yes. Gasoline prices. Some of you may have noticed that crude oil prices, and, therefore, gasoline prices, are at an all-time high (until tomorrow, when they will be at an all-time higher, no doubt). And you may have been tempted to blame this sorry state of affairs, not only on OPEC and the Bush administration, but on places like China and India, which are selfishly and irresponsibly attempting to become first-world nations by driving up demand for crude oil. And, of course, you would be largely correct--you're never far wrong when you blame republicans and foreigners for your problems. But, if we are to be disarmingly honest--and we are--we must admit that DexCorp bears some part of the responsibility as well. We have begun stockpiling high-test gasoline for our upcoming DexCorp 1 PupPal Tour, you see. This is necessary because it turns out that a fully loaded Ural Patrol gets not quite the same highway gas mileage as a 500-horsepower Corvette Z06 sports car, but without the 0 – 60 in four seconds acceleration (though, to be fair, the Patrol does hold one more passenger). Don't feel bad if you didn’t know that, by the way--I myself was woefully ignorant about Russian motorcycles until about this time last year. So, anyway, our entirely frivolous and unnecessary 6000-mile PupPal Tour this summer is going to be using up a bit of gas, which we are attempting to lay in ahead of time, before it hits $5.00 a gallon. So, you see, we are partly to blame for the current price crisis. But be not downhearted, Littermates. There are things we can all do (and by we, I mean, of course, you) to offset this egregious waste of precious resources: If, for example, your family happens to be moving from Kentucky to Washington state, you can encourage them to make the move on foot--it'll save a lot of gas and be healthier for all involved. But you better start soon, or you won't be there to put us up in July. If your bipeds are, shall we say, a bit above their fighting weights, encourage them to lose 75 lbs or so each. It'll mean a lot fewer trips to the supermarket and better gas mileage on such trips as are absolutely unavoidable. To further cut down on unnecessary shopping trips, eat the cat, if you have one. I'm told they taste pretty much like chicken, with undertones (or is it overtones?) of dead rodent. I'm sure you can come up with lots of ideas of your own, Littermates. The important thing to remember is that by working together and making a few little sacrifices, we can all make this a swell summer. For me. Thank you.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/433645 Wed, 5 Mar 2008 08:51:36 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/433645 I do not steal all my best humorous mannerisms from Dave Barry. Dave Barry and I have almost nothin ... not steal all my best humorous mannerisms from Dave Barry. Dave Barry and I have almost nothing in common and are almost completely dissimilar in at least two important ways: 1. I am just generally funnier than Dave Barry, and B. (Jeez, I slay myself!) I do not bore you to tears telling you what might or might not be a good name for a rock band. There was that one time I mentioned that P*g Sh*t! would be a good name for a country band. But that's it. (I did mention that, didn’t I?)]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/433642 Wed, 5 Mar 2008 08:49:10 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/433642 Yesterday morning, when the biped caught sight of the spider in his credit card terminal, he did not ... not utter a girlish Eek!. I was there, and I know. It was something much more along the lines of a perfectly manly Yikes! And he did not, at any time, desert his terminal. He just happened to remember something he'd forgotten to do in the other room. That's all. Who would you want to be the one to find a spider in the credit card terminal at 3:00 AM? Think about it, Littermates.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/433282 Tue, 4 Mar 2008 12:43:41 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/433282 ...is not as aerobic as you might have thought, apparently. This morning, I was helping the biped ... only thing moving vigorously under the clear plastic cover. A largish spider was under there running to beat the band so as to stay on top of the roll. He looked pretty winded by the time the customer copy had been printed. I guess a little aerobic exercise goes a long way when you're a spider--he had left the gym by the time the biped processed his second order of the day. Well, yes, it is a slow news day. Why?]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/432538 Sun, 2 Mar 2008 17:13:58 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/432538 The biped and I put in our first 250-mile day on DexCorp 1 today. That's about what we're going to ... I'm feeling quite well rested, myself, thank you. The biped looks a bit wilted, I'm afraid, but I'm sure he'll get used to it in no time. Where did we go? I'm glad you axed. We went down the coast on California Highway 1 to Cambria. Which, as some of you will know, is the home of my pals Breezy and Leja. (Unfortunately, Breezy and Leja were not at home this afternoon--were not answering their phone, in any case. Which is only to be expected, of course, if you just decide to take a flyer and not tell people you're coming. But the ride was the thing, you see. And we wanted to do the ride, anyway.) Then we took Highway 46 (the James Dean death highway) over to Paso Robles. Then it was 101 all the way home again, home again. A fairly satisfactory trial run, all things considered. 6:08 PM: We just got back from a two-mile run, and now we are having (which is to say he is having) a nice cold Budweiser, Breakfast of Champions, or Champaigne of Bottle Kings, or whatever the heck it is. He assures me that a beer by any other name would taste just fine.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/431602 Fri, 29 Feb 2008 08:37:45 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/431602 First of all, I received a very encouraging email this morning from Izzy and company. Apparently, t ... very encouraging email this morning from Izzy and company. Apparently, they are willing to overlook the biped's social clumsiness and offer us accommodations on our upcoming PupPal Tour, even going so far as to volunteer that they have plenty of Tab and Greenies in stock! I don’t know that I have ever even mentioned the biped's addiction to Tab. Perhaps I have. But, anyway, he and I are both delighted to be offered such splendid hospitality. Even without turndown service or bedtime stories. (You'd think the biped had been turned down quite enough, anyway.) Secondly, the biped yesterday posted our revised PupPal Tour map on the Ural web board and mentioned that we could use some help connecting the dots, as it were. We have already heard from people in Minnesota, South Dakota, and Oregon offering suggestions, accommodation, and/or company on the road. So, who knows, we may be arriving in Your Town, USA with a whole gang of outlaw Uralists. (Proctologists, on the other (gloved) hand, are not invited.)]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/431339 Thu, 28 Feb 2008 15:08:46 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/431339 The last picture on my page shows the current proposed route of the DexCorp 2008 PupPal Tour ("Comin ... too alienated them with his rather clumsy handling of route changes)) Lincoln, Nebraska (Midnight Star, Tim, & Winnie) Paullina, Iowa (the inimitable Fred) Belle Plain, Minnesota (Finlay and his fond memories of Seva) Billings, Montana ( Rajah Q. and Nali) Calgary, Alberta, Canada (Eli) Richland, Washington (Lyle, Spring, and Maebe) Tigard, Oregon (Sergei) Then, home, via Cottage Grove, Oregon and Martinez, California. If you happen to live near the red line, out between the black dots, and you'd like the PupPal Tour to make a stop in your lovely town, just drop me a line--I know some people who know some people who have influence in the route planning process.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/430962 Wed, 27 Feb 2008 14:48:33 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/430962 bring back my Ural to me, to me... Yes, Littermates, DexCorp 1 is once again up at TriQuest Motor ... bring back my Ural to me, to me... Yes, Littermates, DexCorp 1 is once again up at TriQuest Motorcycles in Santa Clara. Happily, however, there is nothing wrong with it. The biped just decided (without sufficient consultation, I might add) to have a couple of small upgrades done. We hope to have it back by this weekend, which might actually be good riding weather. -Dexter (curled up in the sunny spot under the canopy where DexCorp 1 ought to be--I mention this only because the biped finds it rather touching)]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/429762 Sun, 24 Feb 2008 15:33:02 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/429762 I think you all know, Littermates, how I tend to feel about innovations--all of them are suspect, an ... bit unusual, but I am willing to make allowances on Sundays. And it was raining, which I don't particularly mind, but thought he did. But, instead of slapping the leash on me and heading across the street to the park, he put me in the car, and off we drove to Garland Park! By the time we got there, it was raining pretty heavily. But that did not deter him from taking me for an unleashed run up to the Mesa pond. Not a bit. What deterred him was the really steep part of the Mesa trail. Which he walked. But still, it was a good effort. He ran more than half way up and all the way down. And I got to go to Garland Park two straight consecutive days in a row. That is an innovation I might be able to approve of.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/429268 Sat, 23 Feb 2008 13:53:54 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/429268 The biped's work on my magnum opus (fat--or possibly well armed--penguin) proceeds apace. He now ha ... magnum opus (fat--or possibly well armed--penguin) proceeds apace. He now has it formatted from November, 2004 through October, 2007. Only November and December of last year to go, and the primary formatting will all be done. Then he just has to do a bit of organizing and writing of introductory material and such--you know, About the Author, that sort of thing--and we'll be ready to burn CDs. And then perhaps he can begin once again to do a minimally adequate job of chronicling my current adventures. Like this morning's, for instance. It rained quite a bit here early yesterday. And we are due, one hears, for a real gully-washer of a Pacific storm starting this afternoon--quite soon, in fact, if you can believe the media. But there was kind of a window of only moderately bad weather this morning, which allowed us to take our regularly scheduled Garland Park hike without getting much more than thoroughly damp. Oddly, a number of other people seem to have had the same idea--there ware actually more people and dogs at Garland Park at 7:00 this morning than you would expect to see on a nice day. I met a number of new dogs, some of them polite, some of them less so. But they were all down on Lupin Loop, close to the river. We were still, it seems, the first ones up to the Mesa this morning. Unless you want to count that great blue heron. Now, a great blue heron is a largish sort of bird, and you might suppose that you would notice one just standing there, three or four feet tall, in the middle of a field of short grass. And so you might--I cannot speak for you. I speak only for myself when I say that I did not. Not right away, anyway. The biped says he saw me tearing off in the general direction of the GBH, but he could tell by my meanderings that I was just quartering the field, not proceeding with any purpose toward the great bird. But about half way across the field, I caught sight of the beast and adjusted my course to something as close to a bee line as a setter is capable of. The heron, clearly cognizant of my approach, lumbered into the air just before I reached the spot where he had been standing. Now, another thing you may or may not know about a great blue heron is that they ain’t what you could call fast. Whenever I flush a bird of any sort, I get excited, of course. But, lacking any great attentions span, I just as quickly get unexcited as soon as the flushed bird is well and truly out of sight. But, as the biped and I both discovered this morning, a heron isn't going to get out of sight any time soon, if you insist on just running along right underneath him--you could run over several hills and dales (and Roys and Triggers, for all I know) before you lose sight of one of those suckers and decide to respond to your biped's frantic whistling. But I did finally come back. I took a quick dip in the pond. And we headed for home, wetter and wiser.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/428496 Thu, 21 Feb 2008 12:10:07 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/428496 My pal Izzy's campaign to get all of us dogs to do a better job of exercising our bipeds has caused ... Izzy's campaign to get all of us dogs to do a better job of exercising our bipeds has caused me to do some quick figuring out of just what my contribution to exercising my biped has been over the last four years. And here is what I come up with: I have walked or run him (OK--mostly walked him) around Beautiful Downtown Spreckels something over 2400 miles. I have hiked him around Garland Park, Fort Ord, and other places something over 600 miles. During that same period, he tells me, he has pushed his little red hand truck back and forth to the post office at least 400 miles, though I hardly see how I can be blamed for that. So I think that I can safely say that I have done my part. At least on the exercise front. It is worth noting, however, that for the better part of that four-year period, he was actually managing to gain weight. So you might want to watch what they eat, too. Very closely indeed. (But don't steal anything right out of the frying pay, OK?)]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/427899 Tue, 19 Feb 2008 21:24:26 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/427899 I went to a new groomer today, the lady who runs the grooming department at the local PetSmart. Lin ... right, mind you--only time will heal the outrage perpetrated upon my poor tail by the previous groomer. But I look better. And I was way overdue--my feet were getting so furry I was beginning to look like something out of a Dr. Seuss book. And as soon as we got home from the groomer, the biped took me out for a three-mile run. So I suppose I should not complain about the crappy weather or being cooped up in a kennel at PetSmart most of the afternoon. No. I should not.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/427542 Tue, 19 Feb 2008 07:53:13 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/427542 I may have mentioned a time or two that I am not a big fan of November, despite the fact that my bir ... tedious is what it is. And you can't plan anything, like, oh, say, a long ride down the coast, that requires good weather. If the weather is good on a particular morning, you can do it, but you can't have planned it in advance or made reservations or given anybody advance notice or anything. I mean, I'm as spontaneous as the next dog. But not everyone likes the next dog just dropping in all unannounced of a February afternoon. If the biped finds that he can't go for a DexCorp 1 ride on a given day, he can always go break some plumbing or mop the kitchen floor or something. But I need to get out more!]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/426670 Sun, 17 Feb 2008 08:01:28 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/426670 Dexter in the flesh dashes along the far bank of the Mesa pond, his great feet almost touching the ... into the water, ripples propagate like junior-high science experiments across the pond. And the morning sun paints the same ripples propagating across the hillside until the grass and bushes seem to be underwater. And the reflection of those ripples can be seen, doubly rippled, on the surface of the pond. Or so, at least, the biped tells me. I mostly noticed the birds, propagating (if that is the right word) through the bushes and the trees and the sky. Either way, it was a very nice hike.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/426004 Fri, 15 Feb 2008 10:46:41 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/426004 This morning, for reasons that are not at all clear to me, frankly, the biped read me a help wanted ... Low Voltage Installers Entry-level through journeyman positions available. "Damn, Dexter!" said the biped, "If only I'd come across an opportunity like that 30 years ago, I might actually have made something of myself!" And I can't argue with him—he is a pretty low-voltage sort of guy. Not a lot of wattage, either, if I may be brutally frank.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/425607 Thu, 14 Feb 2008 12:09:43 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/425607 I think I told you some time ago, Littermates--actually, I know I did, but you may not have been pay ... know I did, but you may not have been paying attention--that my vet, Dr. Ponder, said my hips were so lovely that, if I were his dog, he would breed me. Well, at the time, I was flattered, of course, but also felt that that was perhaps more familiar with the good doc than I really cared to get, if you take my meaning. But apparently he still has a soft spot for me. The biped took me in to see the doc yesterday afternoon and explain his (the biped's) concerns with my behavior, to wit: very, very, very occasionally growling at someone for no obvious reason ever, ever, arfing ever growling at the biped himself, for any arfing reason whatso-arfing-ever! While Dr. Ponder said there were lots of good reasons for neutering a dog (and acknowledged that there were, in fact, lots of good reasons for not neutering a dog, too), he said he really didn't think that neutering me was likely to have much, if any, effect on the behaviors the biped was describing. But, said the biped, at this point, I would not breed this dog in any case, so why not neuter him? Why not, indeed, said Dr. Ponder (or words to that general effect), I'll be perfectly happy to do it for you, I just don't want you to get your hopes up that it will in any significant way modify his behavior, which sounds like social-hierarchy-motivated behavior, not sexually-motivated behavior (or, again, words to that general effect). Well, said the biped, what are we looking at in the way of post-operative recovery? Most dogs get through it just fine, said Dr. Ponder, you just want to try to keep him quiet for about two weeks. What the biped said to that was, essentially, B’bye, doc, though it took probably another 15 minutes before we were actually out the door. So, I guess the good news is that, there being no point in neutering me, I'm not getting neutered (not right away, anyway). The bad news, if you are the sort of biped who goes around looking for bad news, is that, there being no point in neutering me, it's not clear how to address my little bouts of ill temper. To which I can only add, if not a resounding clank, clank, at the very least a relieved clink, clink.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/425370 Wed, 13 Feb 2008 21:15:37 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/425370 As those of you who are paying any attention at all will already know, our Polar Bear Cooler soft ic ... any attention at all will already know, our Polar Bear Cooler soft ice chest arrived yesterday. The biped immediately loaded it up with Tab and ice, to give it some realistic heft, and suspended it from the hinges of the sidecar's luggage rack (a little trick he gleaned from the mad Australians). Then he went for a little ride to see how it felt--couldn't tell it was there. And, 26 hours later, there was still plenty of un-melted ice in it, and the Tab was nice and icy cold. Then, this afternoon, the UPS guy delivered our self-erecting Pinnacle two-man tent. The biped decided it would be a good idea to set it up for the first time in the living room out of the wind. For a self-erecting tent, it was actually a bit on the flaccid side—seemed to require a certain amount of fluffing, as it were. But he's pretty sure he'll be able to get it up faster next time. The real fun started when it was time to take the tent down. It's a dome-style tent. What makes it (more or less) self erecting is that, instead of having shock-corded poles that you have to put together and then slip through sleeves on the outer surface of the tent, this tent has poles with hinged joints that are permanently threaded through the sleeves. You basically just unfold the whole thing, then lock the pole joints into place, and viola, you've got yourself a tent. To take it down, you just follow the easy-to-follow, translated-directly-from-the-Korean directions, which tell you how to get the joints in the poles to fold up again. Except that they don't. Not when you do what the directions say to do, anyway. And the directions say quite clearly DO NOT FORCE THESE JOINTS! So here we are with this dome tent--I believe he referred to it as a Dog-domed tent at some point--taking up most of the living room, and we've got no way to take it down. Kind of like the guy who builds a boat in the basement. The biped emailed the tent company. Then he found their number and called that--just got voice mail. And the bipedess is due home at any minute and is not going to be pleased to see our Dog-domed tent fully erected in her living room. Finally, the biped (who in one of his earlier incarnations was apparently a tech writer) figured out what you actually have to do to disarticulate the joints, as opposed to what the destructions say to do. And everything ended on a cheerful note. Remind me some time to tell you about our visit to Dr. Ponder this afternoon.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/425069 Wed, 13 Feb 2008 08:55:31 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/425069 I certainly hope he doesn't croak in the next couple of days. Well yes, I am, intermittently at lea ... am, intermittently at least, fond of him. Of course I am. But the main thing is, if the medical examiner were to see those ligature marks on his left wrist, I might be in a world of trouble. Which would, let us all remember, be the real tragedy.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/424882 Tue, 12 Feb 2008 18:57:38 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/424882 The biped tells me that one of his greatest youthful athletic talents--pretty much his only youthful ... only youthful athletic talent, I'm guessing--was that he was always good at falling down without getting very much hurt. He's not vain about it or anything, but he allows as how it served him well on many occasions. It's not a talent he likes to put to much use these days, however. I guess he thinks it would be unseemly for a reserved gentleman like himself to show off in front of the neighbors. Be that as it may, I'm afraid I put him to the test earlier this evening. We were out for our thrice weekly jog. We had already done two laps around town--roughly 2.1 miles. And we had put in two laps around the park across the street. On our first lap around the park, we passed a parked RV with three very yappy little dogs in it. On our second lap, we passed and old biped trying to walk said yappy little dogs on three leashes. The yappy little dogs went all bat spit when we jogged by and pretty much tied their biped up in knots. As we finished our second lap around the park, and were just starting our third, we saw the guy and his dogs up ahead of us, pretty much blocking the sidewalk. Now, it happens that we were right across the street from our own house at this point. So, when the biped steps off the curb into the street, I naturely assume he's decided to pack it in one lap short rather than deal with the yappy little dogs. Fine with me. The trouble, though, as it has since been explained to me, is that he was not intending to cross the street and go home; he was intending merely to step out into the street a bit and continue around the guy and his yappy little dogs. And, since I was ostensibly at heel, I would, of course, diligently follow his every move. Yeah, right. So he steps off the curb. So do I. He looks up to check on the position of the guy with the yappy little dogs. At that precise moment, I make a sharp right turn to cross the street and go home. Well, I took him out at the knees, I'm afraid. Sent him pretty literally arse over tea kettle, as it were. He had the presence of mind--or dumb luck--to tuck his head under and roll. When he stopped rolling, his butt was in the gutter, and his feet were up on the sidewalk. He was pretty much unhurt--for which we are all grateful, I'm sure. But he was also unhappy. Now, you've got to bear in mind that this little adventure was no fun for me, either. I mean, I took both of his knees right in the chest, plus a good deal of his still not inconsiderable weight as he fell over me. I was in no particular mood to be yelled at by the cretin who had already discomfited me considerably, for no particular reason that I could see. But he did yell at me! And gave my leash a stout tug, too. Well… I'm afraid I growled at him. He was not pleased. Suffice it so say that I did not get my apre-run Greeny. Now, I happen to know that the biped had already, before we ever started jogging, called the vet and made an appointment to consult with him tomorrow afternoon about undogging me. I suspect that the biped's position on the issue has now hardened somewhat. Spit!]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/424640 Tue, 12 Feb 2008 08:28:22 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/424640 On Saturday, you may recall, I gave you all--well, mostly Fred--a heads-up on the inadvisability of ... have no thumbs, you may correctly have surmised that the thumb that was the subject of the actual experiment was attached to the biped. But I realized only this morning that the asphyxiation of the biped and a window-cleaning product in the very same entry may also have given you the erogenous impression that the biped suffered his excrunchiating mishap whilst doing housework. Well, I'm here to tell you, Littermates, that he did not. Rather, he was cleaning the windshield of my sidecar rig, DexCorp 1, at the time of the toxic spill. He just wanted me to clear that up for some reason. Thank you for your attention.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/423765 Sun, 10 Feb 2008 09:14:07 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/423765 Turns out orange juice, fresh from the very fruit, is not much of a topical analgesic, either. ... http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/423527 Sat, 9 Feb 2008 17:28:41 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/423527 It's been a beaUTiful day here in Greater Metropolitan Spreckels. This morning we had an extra-lo ... wife into the conversation somehow, it was really too late to do so gracefully. Hence, the decision to simply cut and run. His social skills are not on a par with my own, I'm afraid. Well, the beautiful weather meant, in addition to the especially long outing, that the biped could finally give me a bath outside in good conscience this afternoon. So he did. And I am now not smelling nearly as doggy as I had been lately. Still, it was a small price to pay. And if I could always go this long between baths, I'd be a happy dog. What? Oh, yeah. I am a happy dog.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/423521 Sat, 9 Feb 2008 17:08:14 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/423521 Hey, Fred, you know what Windex really is not good for? Soothing an open cut on your thumb. ... Fred, you know what Windex really is not good for? Soothing an open cut on your thumb.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/423518 Sat, 9 Feb 2008 17:03:44 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/423518 Well, heck, you didn't think I was going to work for watch-dog wages did you? I've got a puppy-clas ... I have to. No, indeed. Not so. And quite otherwise, too.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/422728 Thu, 7 Feb 2008 17:32:40 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/422728 The biped is nothing if not conscientious. About anything other than actual work, that is. Since i ... entirely clear to me--Sea Scum. Sea Scum used to be Fort Ord--hence General Jim Moore Blvd. It occupies some really prime real estate on and overlooking Monterey Bay. It looks like it would be a really enjoyable place to pretend to get an education. Heck, it wouldn't be a bad place to get basically trained, either, if you are into that sort of thing. But I digress. When we got to the northern frontier of Sea Scum, we turned right again and came back to Beautiful Downtown Spreckels via Reservation Rd. The rope restraint functioned flawlessly, of course. Though, really, I had no complaints about the chain one, except, perhaps for the esthetics of the thing. It's not like the weak sun of this planet was ever going to cause chain overheating, anyway. But the nylon rope is a bit lighter on the old back side, and I'm sure I will appreciate its thermal qualities come summer. When we got home, the biped worked on my book for a while and then took me out for a three-mile run. A dog could do worse.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/422531 Thu, 7 Feb 2008 09:00:39 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/422531 Which has nothing whatever to do with me, of course. But, Fred, I have every confidence, will figur ... me, of course. But, Fred, I have every confidence, will figure out the significance of today's title. Last night, the biped removed the chain-based Dexter restraint system from DexCorp 1 and took it to a marlinspike seamanship specialist associate of his chess buddy Felix's. (Marlinspike seamanship, for you land lubbers, is the art of knotting and splicing cordage and doing fancy ropework--you could look it up. Gary--the marlinspike guy--proceeded to duplicate the chain restraint in woven nylon rope, with some pretty cool looking splices. So now I have a restraint system that is much lighter and won't get hot under the blistering double suns of planet Iowa this summer. Gary also assured the biped that he could lift the whole sidecar rig by my restraint system, if necessary. I am rather hoping that it won't be.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/422155 Wed, 6 Feb 2008 10:31:40 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/422155 I have been off my feed a bit lately, but the biped, apparently, has not. In fact, he over ate a bi ... fact, apparently feeling both guilty and well nourished, the biped ran me ten times (three miles) around the park, much of it in the dark, yesterday afternoon/evening. Repetitive, yes, but not unpleasant. Have I mentioned that I find guilt to be an excellent quality in a biped? Well, I do.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/421639 Tue, 5 Feb 2008 08:37:59 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/421639 It turns out, apparently, that turning 500 plus pages of text file into a pleasing and coherent .htm ... http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/420774 Sun, 3 Feb 2008 10:25:38 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/420774 I don't know about you, Littermates, but one of my favorite household chores is doing the laundry. ... my favorite household chores is doing the laundry. I mean, not myself, of course. But helping the biped do it by sniffing all the clothes on the way in to make sure they really need laundering, and sniffing them again on the way out to make sure they've been satisfactorily laundered. It's all part of my job description. Which is how I was in a position, this morning, to see the biped almost suffer a serious household mishap. He was sorting dirty laundry out of the laundry basket into the washing machine. He always does the indelicates first, which has the effect of leaving a pile of delicates on the floor next to the washing machine for inclusion in a subsequent load. Well, just as he was about to turn on the washing machine, he noticed that it had "walked" itself out of position a bit during its last use and needed to be slid a few inches back into position. Which is easy enough to do on the vinyl laundry room floor. He grasped the beast in a classic Gekko-Romain wrestling hold and took a small step back with his right foot, the better to brace himself for the big push. But his right foot happened to come down on a pair of the bipedess's nylon panties, which turn out to be about as slick as a banana peel. Well, he wasn't seriously injured, thank Dog. But it was a close run thing. And I'm pretty sure that that little label doesn't say a darn thing about the serious risk of injury--or possibly even death--posed by this insidious product. I fully intend to mention this to my product liability lawyer and see if we can't do the world a big favor by putting the manufacturers of women's undergarments out of business. In the meantime, ladies, be careful where you drop those things. Which was always pretty sound advice, I suppose.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/419984 Fri, 1 Feb 2008 11:32:58 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/419984 This morning, the biped and I were looking on the internet for soft (i.e., cloth) ice chests. We're ... huge amount of room to spare--I like to spread out. So we are thinking of suspending the ice chest from the luggage rack behind the sidecar. The mad Australians carried their four-person tent in exactly this fashion, and it apparently worked out well for them. But obviously, an ice chest so suspended is going to swing some, what with the wind and the speeding up and the slowing down and whatnot. And it might well be both distracting to us and deleterious to the paint job to have a rigid ice chest banging against the back of the sidecar for 4000 miles or so. Hence, I suggested to the biped that we might want to look into soft ice chests. Well, to keep a long story going--and conceivably even get to the point--we found what looked like just the ticket from an outfit called Polar Bear Coolers. We were tempted to order a 24-pack cooler sight unseen. But then we noticed that the Polar Bear web site included a Store Locator link. Well, heck, if there happened to be a store in Greater Metropolitan Spreckels that carried Polar Bear coolers, we could by-golly go take a look at one in the flesh, so to speak. Now, you are probably familiar with store locators on web sights. Most of them ask you for your zip code and then give you a list of stores near you. Fancier ones sometimes have a map on which you can click your location to get to a list of (more or less) nearby stores. At the simple end of the spectrum, when the number of locations is not all that big, you may simply get a list of stores organized by state. In that case, you will generally find that the states are in alphabetical order for your literary convenience. The stores within each state may be organized alphabetically or geographically. It's all good. But Polar Bear Coolers hit on the novel idea of simply presenting you with a list of all stores, alphabetized by store name. Brilliant! If you would really, really like to buy your Polar Bear cooler from a store whose names starts with, oh, say, Q, this is the store locator system for you! If, on the other hand, you'd like to know where the hell the stores are, you will just have to read every address on the list until you come to one in your state. Which you won't, unless you live in Alabama, Louisiana, or South Carolina. Still… It looks like a pretty nice ice chest.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/419777 Thu, 31 Jan 2008 20:05:36 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/419777 I think you all know, Littermates, that I have nothing but the utmost respect for Chihuahuas as a br ... pebbles, shall we say, actually to come nipping at my heels, I do not know. But neither the biped nor I felt like being followed around the park by a couple of yapping rodents. So we wheeled around smartly, the biped simultaneously letting my leash out to its full length, and we charged the little hooligans. And, although the biped ordinarily discourages any growling or snarling on my part, he apparently felt that a bit of theatrics would not be amiss on this particular occasion. So I was allowed to give voice to my opinion of the boyz' behavior. Well, we never got within five feet of them, of course. But they not only turned tails and scampered off, they sounded for all the world as if they had been grievously injured. It was really quite a performance. But, I mean, what did they think was going to happen when they--maybe 10 pounds of them collectively--made as if to attack 70 pounds of magnificently fit Gordon setter and 166 pounds of thoroughly eccentric biped? In other news: The biped fired up DexCorp 1 this afternoon for the first time in about three weeks. Today wasn't what you could call a nice day for motorcycling, but it was the first minimally acceptable day we've had in a long time, and he wanted to stay in practice. He just rode it into Salinas to go to the bank. He did not take me along. Which I can't say really bothered me a lot, given the weather and the destination. I was gratified that the beast started right up and growled lustily. My time will come.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/419157 Wed, 30 Jan 2008 12:03:33 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/419157 A brace of plumbers is here disemboweling the right side of the house. Which just happens to be whe ... their problems. I am here to tell you that I have been confined all morning in the pen in the back yard because the plumbers need to come and go through both the front and back yards and to leave gates hanging wide open, apparently. They also seem to need not to be growled at, but that is a niggling point, at best. This is a pen that the biped built many, many years ago for the first of my esteemed predecessors, Toby. Since Toby's time, the biped has fenced the back yard off from the front yard, and gotten a whole lot more relaxed about where he will suffer the family dog to be, so I have always considered the pen as something of a historical relic, kind of like Alcatraz penitentiary in San Francisco Bay. It's there, certainly, but one does not expect to be confined in it. In my particular case, the pen is where my backyard water-on-demand spigot is located, so I wander in and out of the pen all the time. Thus, when the biped told me to wander into it this morning, I had no principled objection. But then he closed the arfing gate! They don't do that on the Alcatraz tour do they? If the bipeds could just learn to crap on the lawn like the rest of us, we wouldn't be having this discussion.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/418669 Tue, 29 Jan 2008 08:31:12 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/418669 As many as he can get, I guess. The biped is apparently feeling all puffed up this morning becaus ... forty stones. Sweet jumpin' Jebus, Boss! I could rule the world with forty stones! Or have a good time trying, anyway. They have decided that next week, he will get only a two-stone handicap. Just like the rest of us (clink-clink).]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/418317 Mon, 28 Jan 2008 11:14:07 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/418317 Yesterday, the bipeds put me out all morning, apparently because they were both busy cleaning up my ... Then, right after lunch, they chucked my in the back yard in the pouring rain--with no more than six different places to get out of the weather, mind you--and off they drove, leaving me all by my lonesome for hours and hours and arfing hours, subjugatively speaking, at any rate. It turns out they had gone to Monterey to catch the old-fogy matinee showing of There will be blood at the Osio Cinema. Apart from the musical score, with which they were not favorably impressed, and the old lady sitting next to them, who--in the apt phrasing of the junior bidep--had no internal monologue, they liked it. They liked it a lot. They recommend it highly. I wouldn't want to spoil anything for you, beyond saying that Eli--no not that Eli--gets what he's got coming to him. I’m finished. PS: The biped did take me out for a run almost the minute they got home, so all is, if not forgiven, exactly, at least filed away for future reference.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/417742 Sat, 26 Jan 2008 22:08:54 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/417742 The biped cleverly did not set the alarm last night. Unsettled as the weather has been, he wasn't s ... assume we were going for a hike. So he didn't set it. But he did manage to rouse himself at 0600 anyway and take a look out the window. It wasn't raining, but the wind was howling, and he figured it would probably start raining at any moment, and he's basically the lazy sort. So, what with one thing and another, he just went back to bed. Later, over breakfast, he was evidently feeling a bit guilty. The wind was still blowing, but it had become apparent that there wasn't going to be any rain any time soon. So he talked the bipedess into going for a much-later-than-usual hike at Garland Park with us. There were more people in our park than we really like to see. But there were also more dogs, and that was kind of fun. Even the people weren't all bad--two of them even recognized me for what I am. Well no, not as the chairman of the known world, but as a Gordon setter, at least. Sometimes you've got to take what you can get. And much had changed since last Saturday. The Carmel River is now a raging torrent. The Mesa pond has finally begun to rise nicely. The water fall for which the Water Fall trail is named, actually has water falling over it. It all made for kind of a nice change. I just thought you'd want to know.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/417259 Fri, 25 Jan 2008 16:37:16 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/417259 Fortunately, I am young and sexy without having to work at it. The bipeds, alas, are not. They c ... I am young and sexy without having to work at it. The bipeds, alas, are not. They clearly suffer from some sort of a young-and-sexy deficit. Based on my admittedly spotty study of TV commercials, I had just about arrived at the conclusion that they were not young and sexy because they didn't drink nearly enough beer. I was not quite clear on whether drinking lots of beer made you young and sexy, or just made the other person young and sexy. But as long as you're a couple, and each of you keeps up with the other, it ought to work either way, right? But last night, for the first time in a vertical month of Sundays, the biped consumed not one, not two, but three beers. Well, not only did he not get any younger or sexier, which shoots down theory 1, neither did the bipedess, which pretty much scotches theory B, too. Possibly beer consumption by itself is not enough. All those Valtrex commercials would seem to suggest that congenial herpes plays a role as well. It's pretty clear, at least, that old, unattractive people simply do not get herpes. So I guess there's a bright side to everything.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/417082 Fri, 25 Jan 2008 09:06:25 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/417082 I don't like to sound like a broken record--whatever that may sound like--but this just ain't right. ... that may sound like--but this just ain't right. We out here on the left coast in Greater Metropolitan Spreckels and points south must constantly be on the alert for earthquakes, Nancy Pelosi, and Britney Spears. We should not be having all this weather to contend with, too. We haven't seen the sun in days, there's way much snow on Mount Toro, wind gusts are expected to hit 50 mph, and tomorrow is only expected to be worse. I may not get hiked, for Dog's sake! It's just completely uncalled for, is what I'm saying. I mean, we could live... you know, someplace else if we wanted to put up with this sort of spit. Someplace with a zero probability of Britney Spears alerts. Cripes! I think that's her careening down the street now! Gotta run.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/416157 Tue, 22 Jan 2008 17:40:12 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/416157 The biped is coming closer and closer to declaring that the PupPal Tour is definitely on for this su ... http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/416118 Tue, 22 Jan 2008 16:07:55 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/416118 Next month is the quadrennial Frisbetarian High Holy Month of Ramalamadingdong. Fasting will be str ... Ramalamadingdong. Fasting will be strictly observed between midnight and 0600, Littermates. But if you need a dispensation or an indulgence or something, just call me for prices and terms.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/415573 Mon, 21 Jan 2008 09:39:43 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/415573 Some things that happened 50 years ago: The Evil Empire launched Sputnik I. The good guys trie ... tried to launch Vanguard I. Whoops. The good guys succeeded in launching Explorer I. Alaska and Hawaii were admitted to the union ("Well, brothers and sisters, we just can't keep this a secret any longer.") The Giants and the Dodgers moved to California. Apart from having happened 50 years ago, what, you might well ax, do all these events have in common? They are events the biped woke up the other morning actually, personally remembering! Now if only he could remember where he left his arfing cell phone.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/415566 Mon, 21 Jan 2008 09:24:00 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/415566 What? Oh. Wrong Giants? Wrong sport? Never mind. Well, as you may have noticed, I am ... What? Oh. Wrong Giants? Wrong sport? Never mind. Well, as you may have noticed, I am not an expert on bipedal sporting events. But then, neither are they. The bipeds, I mean. Back in the Joe Montana/Steve Young/Bill Walsh era, the bipeds were briefly under the impression, they tell me, that they were die-hard Forty-Niner fans. It turns out, however, that they died pretty easy, once the 'Niners tanked. Which is fine with me. It means, for one thing, that their football-season Sundays are not spent in front of the arfing TV when they have a dog they could just as easily be hiking with. They have not so completely kicked the football habit, however, as not to want to watch the AFC and NFC Championship games, both of which were yesterday, for those of you who live in benighted third-world countries, eh? After having checked the TV listings first thing in the morning, the biped realized that, if he and I were going to get any exercise at all yesterday, we were going to have to get it before noon. So he dutifully put on his sweats, grabbed my leash, and took me out for a two-mile morning jog. That done, he settled down in front of the wide screen with my half-edited magnum opus in front of him, and proceeded to spend the entire day dividing his attention between the games and his duties as my editor. The closest he came to leaving the house again yesterday was to go out on the front porch for firewood in the evening, after the Packers/Giants game. The biped tells me that the only real problem with yesterday’s games, from a fan’s point of view, was that he really didn't dislike any of the teams. He was kind of, sort of, mildly rooting for the Chargers, just because they're California boys, but he had nothing against the Patriots, either. He was mildly pleased that the Giants won, because Eli seems like a nice kid. But then he'd have been happy to see Bret get a good send-off, too. Football is really much more fun when you’ve got somebody to hate (not that we have anything personal against Terrell Owens, mind you).]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/415030 Sat, 19 Jan 2008 22:26:32 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/415030 The biped has been trying to wade through the great pile of pages that is my magnum opus (large peng ... large penguin for those of you unschooled in Latin). He's almost half way through it chronologically, but not more than maybe 25% through it in terms of page count. Which right there tells you something not necessarily good about changes over time in my writing habits. I have been reading over the biped's shoulder, and we are both beginning to come to the conclusion that more is not necessarily better (But if less is more, just think how much more more would be! -Frasier Crane). It seems like I used to be funnier. More inventive, somehow. I mean, I haven’t dreamed up a new psychiatric condition or religion or political party in ages! Sure, making fun of Canada is always good for a cheap laugh. But that will only carry a doug so far, eh? Maybe this summer's PupPal Tour will reinvigorate me, arm me with some new material. At the very least, it will get us out of the yard, the biped and me.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/414438 Fri, 18 Jan 2008 09:09:13 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/414438 I think that living where it is way too hot in the summer and way too cold in the winter and way too ... some temperature. But not this morning, Littermates. This morning at 7:00 AM, our outside thermometer registered 0°! Of course, if I am to be altogether honest--and what are the chances?--I must admit that it was Celsius degrees we were all out of, not the more robust and persistent Fahrenheit degrees. But still... zero is zero, is it not, Littermates? Aside to Fred: Dr. Celsius’ wife must have been smokin’ hot, huh?]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/414254 Thu, 17 Jan 2008 17:15:22 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/414254 It appears that I have, without ever having set out to do so, written a book of sorts. The biped pr ... require some editing--it runs to a little over 500 pages and a bit more than five pounds. It is apparently his idea to edit out some of the real dreck, clean up the rest, add photos and editor's notes where appropriate, and make it into an .html book on CD-ROM. He envisions it as sort of an introductory gift we can give out to people while we're on the road in DexCorp 1. You know, get out the good word about Frisbetarianism, recruit DETH sleeper cell agents, generate goodwill towards DexCorp and its various subsidiaries... that sort of thing. Having seen what a great wad of paper it takes to print the thing out, he is beginning to view the editing/formatting task with some trepidation, he tells me. But, heck, he's got 'til June to get the thing done. And I'll be glad to lend a paw in my spare time. Maybe we can do CD signings in major cities throughout Iowa, Nebraska, and the Dakotas.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/413835 Wed, 16 Jan 2008 14:47:30 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/413835 The city of Seaside, one of the administrative subdivisions of Greater Metropolitan Spreckels, wants ... a lot since the last time they raised the sales tax rate. They have therefore had to provide more services without any more money. This argument is A. disingenuous, at best B. a deception only an idiot would fall for: Tax revenues have increased with the increased spending of the increased populace paying every increasing prices. There is no justification for increasing the city's percentage of the total economic pie. C. the best they could come up with after a hard night of drinking and lap dances D. all of the above Answer key: B, C, D But, you know, that's just my view. This space welcomes the opportunity to ridicule other opinions.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/413629 Tue, 15 Jan 2008 20:23:40 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/413629 Like most of you, Littermates, I am not myself much of a reader. Not of the written word, at any ra ... appreciate reading, when it is done correctly. The bipedess reads pretty much all the time. Which is commendable, I'm sure. The trouble with the bipedess, however, is that she can't make a fire for spit. The biped, on the other hand, seems to alternate reading and TV watching. He reads when he's got something good to read. When he doesn't have something good to read, he watches way too much TV. Which is odd, when you consider how crappy most of what he ends up watching is. Why his standards for reading material should be so much higher than his standards for viewing material I do not know. But to his immense credit, the boy does know how to build a fire. And his favorite spot to read, on these coolish evenings, is in front of a crackling fire. The warmth of which he graciously shares with any of Dog’s creatures who happen to be around, including your humble correspondent. So I am all about finding good books for the biped to read on winter evenings. Tonight, he's reading something called The Book Thief. It's early days yet, but he seems to be getting sucked in pretty well. It's a heart warming little tale of Nazi Germany, narrated by none other than Death. Well, the fire's nice, anyway.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/413511 Tue, 15 Jan 2008 15:17:54 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/413511 To everything, there is a season, and a time for every purpose under the sun. And today appears to ... To everything, there is a season, and a time for every purpose under the sun. And today appears to be the season for a stiff and icy westerly breeze off the fog bank at the coast. Whoever writes the daily weather reports for our local newspaper seems to have fallen in love with the word seasonable. Which would appear to be the adjectival form of the verb to season and to denote that which is capable of being seasoned. As in This soup is awfully bland; good thing it’s seasonable! But I don't think that's what he means by it. What he seems to mean is something more along the lines of It's winter, moron! The weather's going to be the kind of weather you'd expect in the winter. Now go away and don't bother me! I mean, I guess I could see his point, except that just about any damn kind of weather is seasonable for January in California, from 75-degrees-and-South-Pacific-balmy to 30-degrees-stick-your-tongue-to-a-flag-pole. A weather report that just tells me it will be seasonable today doesn't really tell me much of anything. Nothing a calendar couldn't tell me just as well, anyway. Well, if you’ll excuse me, I do believe I feel a time to rend coming on. Or perhaps a time to pluck up that which is planted. They're both good.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/412810 Sun, 13 Jan 2008 18:00:20 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/412810 ...he might have made good his great escape. Yesterday afternoon, the weather being delightful, a ... he might have made good his great escape. Yesterday afternoon, the weather being delightful, and the bipedess being dangerously focused on housework, the biped took me out for a spin in DexCorp 1. It had been a while for both of us. He decided to cruise over to Laguna Seca Raceway and the public rifle range thereat and have a look at the place where the junior bipup, who is now the range master, is thinking of putting a trailer that he is thinking of buying to live in right there at the rifle range. And if that is not a run-on sentence, exactly, it is, at the very least, a long story that I do not intend to go into right now. The point is, we went into Laguna Seca, which is on the right side of Highway 68, if you are heading from Salinas toward Monterey, which we were. Leaving Laguna Seca to come home therefore requires making a left turn across traffic onto a pretty busy highway, without benefit of a traffic light. It can be done, certainly, but the biped finds it a bit nerve wracking. And, since we were just out for a pleasure jaunt, the biped saw no point in having his nerves wracked. So we turned right instead, intending to proceed a mile or so to the eastern entrance to the Ryan Ranch business park, where there is a traffic light. All we had to do was pop into Ryan Ranch, make a quick U turn and wait for the green left arrow that would allow us back onto Highway 68, going in the right direction. But we discovered to our dismay that 750 pounds of Russian steel is not enough ferrous metal to trip that particular traffic light. And, quite unusually, there were no cars waiting to make the same turn. We sat through two cycles of the light, without ever getting our green arrow. Exasperated, the biped made another U turn, back into Ryan Ranch, and headed for the stop light at the other (western) end of the business park. But as we were approaching that light, we realized that only right turns are allowed there! So we made yet another U turn and headed back to the first light where, we were sure, there were bound to be some cars to help us out this time. There weren't, of course. So we turned right at that light and ended up driving all the way to the Del Rey Oaks turn-off before we could get headed back toward Salinas. I know that all these place names will mean nothing to those of you not familiar with Greater Metropolitan Spreckels, but I'm sure you get the flavor of the thing. It was very like Steve McQueen in The Great Escape trying valiantly--but futiley--to escape Nazi Germany on his pilfered motorcycle. Only without the guns and barbed wire and, you know, unpleasant consequences. But with a calm and unflappable--except for my ears and flews--dog at his side to keep him--gag me with an arfing spoon--grounded. I'm pretty sure there is a moral in there someplace. And it has nothing to do with Mexican cancer clinics.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/412631 Sun, 13 Jan 2008 09:48:57 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/412631 So, last night, around elevenish, I'm dozing in the hallway; the biped is in bed reading; the bipede ... few--and I am attempting to use the term ironically--Marching Lumberjacks not so much slept as held a falling-down-drunk party for most of the night. If only I had been allowed to get at them, we might be looking at a few more law suits this morning, but I guaran-damn-tee you we'd be looking at less cheap beer spilled on the kitchen floor and fewer enormous bras--the Marching Lumberjackettes are nothing if not robust--in the hot tub. Never again!]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/412100 Fri, 11 Jan 2008 18:04:07 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/412100 I can assure you, Littermates, that the biped and I had no intention of watching the Republican pres ... he had it on when we wandered randomly into the room and sat down. A couple of the candidates--Mike Huckleberry and Ron Pol Pot--we had actually managed never to see or hear speak before. Though we--and by we I mean the biped--had, of course, read a bit about their respective positions on various issues. And given that we--and by we I mean the biped again, of course--tend to disdain populists and favor libertarians, you might have supposed that we would be unfavorably impressed by Mr. Huckleberry and favorably impressed by Mr. Pol Pot. In the event, however, that was not the case. Although I can give you my solemn promise that I do not intend to vote for Mr. Huckleberry, I was very impressed by his presence and demeanor and by his ability to think on his feet--I liked the guy. Mr. Pol Pot, on the other hand, had all the charm and appeal of a pugnacious squeaky-toy leprechaun with an enormous chip on his shoulder. Those were my impressions, anyway. Neither DexCorp nor the Frisbetarian Mother Church of Greater Metropolitan Spreckels endorses any candidate, however. You will just have to make up your own minds who to vote for--but only of you are US citizens!]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/411901 Fri, 11 Jan 2008 06:56:39 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/411901 Well, so far, he's been too busy/tired/arse-deep in efforts to catch up with orders that he hasn't e ... http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/411448 Wed, 9 Jan 2008 19:46:20 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/411448 That's it. That's the whole entry. ... http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/410901 Tue, 8 Jan 2008 11:59:52 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/410901 I do not pretend to be an expert on the subject, but I was under the general impression that lambs d ... http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/410843 Tue, 8 Jan 2008 09:22:04 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/410843 Last night when we went to bed, it was snowing again. But overnight, the snow apparently turned int ... she--did. Then the biped fired up the car, turned it around, and headed down the driveway. Our driveway, here in the frozen north, is about 500 feet long and slopes gently downward to the road. Although the traction seemed fine, the biped, unused to driving in snow, was being particularly cautious, lest there might be ice patches under the snow. At one point, the slope of the driveway increases just slightly. Not wanting the car to go careening down the hill like an out-of-control toboggan, the biped gently--very gently--applied the brakes. At which point, all the snow that neither of them had thought to remove from the roof of the car came sliding down onto the windshield, completely blinding them. They both seemed to get a real big kick out of it--first good laugh they've had since we got here. Of course, we'd been going about 3 mph, in our own driveway, so there was no harm done. It would have been less amusing, I'm guessing, if it had happened at 30 going down Bennett Creek Rd. Or at 60 in the Siskiyou Pass. Yes, winter is all very well for a day or two, but I'm ready to go back to Greater Metropolitan Spreckels, where the seasons are pretty much all in our heads.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/410575 Mon, 7 Jan 2008 16:54:32 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/410575 You could be forgiven for thinking that I probably don't have enough of an attention span to be bore ... nothing to do. I can't even run around in the pasture down by the unnamed creek because the renters have a horse down there now. What's the point, I ax you, of being the landlord's dog if you can't eat the renters' horse? Our original plan called for driving home on Wednesday. Today, the biped started lobbying for leaving tomorrow. But the bipedess checked the weather forecast for the Siskiyou Pass, and there's supposed to be a spitload of snow tomorrow, followed by clearing weather on Wednesday. So it looks like we stay here in the Fortress of Solitude until then. Maybe I'll ask the biped to teach me how to read. Just because he couldn't teach me bring him a Budweiser doesn't necessarily mean he's too stupid to teach me to read. Remember, Littermates, hope sproings external.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/410161 Sun, 6 Jan 2008 14:41:42 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/410161 I don't know what the bipeds have against yellow snow. I think one of snow's finest attributes is t ... trail, per se, as a bike path through a relatively bad part of town (I don't think towns are allowed to have really bad parts in Oregon--that would just be so California of them). At about the halfway point in our jog, a Chesapeake Bay retriever jumped out of a pickup truck at a gas station across the street to run over and introduce himself to me, which the biped and I both tolerated for 50 yards or so. Then I invited him to get his nose out of my vent, he took exception, and the biped had to step in rather vigorously (and literally). People--may I say parenthetically--who cannot or will not... in any case do not control their dogs are a major pet peeve of the biped's. The failure of the Chessie's accomplice, a young woman (not that there's anything wrong with that), to control her dog could easily have got her own dog killed, her dog, me, or the biped hurt, and/or herself sued. Happily, however, none of those things happened. The forecast calls for continuing snow more or less from now on. It is an open question whether or not we will be able to make it home over the Siskiyou Pass on Wednesday (or indeed any other day)--Did they ever return? No, they never returned. And their fate is still unlearned... I'm sure everything will work out for the best. In the mean time, I think I'll go find myself another snow cone.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/409836 Sat, 5 Jan 2008 16:52:27 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/409836 Despite certain recent lapses in judgment, I am not the sort of dog who would ever do his business i ... not the sort of dog who would ever do his business inside--not without extreme provocation, anyway. And, although I might have entertained the notion in my callow yoot, I am not even one to crap on an outdoor deck or porch, if I can help it. But it's been raining ever since we got here. Until this afternoon. This afternoon, it's arfing snowing. So how many choices does that leave me, I ax you, when nature calls? I ask to be let out--no question about that. But then, I can either crap on the covered deck--which I sense would be unwelcome--or I can go out onto the soupy marsh that passes for an Oregon lawn at this time of year, sink up to my dew claws in mud, and then get soaking wet whilst performing what ought to be a leisurely and not unpleasant task. Or, like India or Joe Lieberman, I can find a third way. As it turns out, there is quite a large crawl space under one end of the family double-wide. And, because of the little plumbing emergency the first morning we were here, the wood-framed chicken-wire panel that normally blocks animal access to the crawl space had been removed for the plumber's convenience and not replaced. So, naturally, I have been doing the majority of my spitting under the house. How was I to know that the smell would be noticeable inside? You just can't please some people.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/409359 Fri, 4 Jan 2008 09:58:40 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/409359 Hello? 1-800-NOAH? This is Dexter Nova Bright Star speaking... The Reverend Chairman Dr. Dexter No ... Hello? 1-800-NOAH? This is Dexter Nova Bright Star speaking... The Reverend Chairman Dr. Dexter Nova Bright Star. Yes. Yes. I'm going to need an ark sent to 1066 Hastings Creek Rd. in Cottage Grove, Oregon. Yes. I'm going to need a lift. Where? To Beautiful Downtown Spreckels, California. Mount Ararat? No, I don't think it's anywhere near Mount Ararat. It's very close to Black Mountain and Mount Toro and within shouting distance of Fremont Peak, which is where John C. Fremont... What? You only have service to Mount Ararat? Well, that's not very convenient. Oh. But it's dry there, right? Yes? Well, I suppose Mount Ararat would be OK. But you're going to need to hurry--our house here is up to its hub caps already. What am I? What do you mean what am I? Oh. OK. I'm a Gordon setter, why? What? You've already got two Gordon setters? Damn. Well, couldn't you bump one of them for me? There could be a couple of Greenies... Oh. Yes, I see. They're both Oregon natives with a lot of frequent floater miles, are they? Well, is there another ark service you could recommend? I'm up to my dew claws here. No, I don't have any luggage--they can arfing well fend for themselves. What's that? Dog paddle, you say? In other geographical news: I thought you might be interested to know, Littermates, that 45 degrees north latitude is just about 60 miles north of here in Salem, Oregon (I think they've got one in some other states, too, but I can only speak for Oregon). That's right, Littermates… We are almost half way to the north pole already. Go for it, I say. I'd rather freeze 'em off than wait for jungle rot to set in.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/409222 Thu, 3 Jan 2008 21:11:25 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/409222 I don't know that this is likely to be an issue for you, Littermates, but if you should ever find yo ... way cheaper. It's also better if your plumbing emergency involves the water heater instead of the sewer line--it turns out that, keen as they are on giving us cold baths, bipeds would much rather skip a morning shower than have to take their morning spit in the woods like the rest of us beasts. Anyway, that's my advice to you. If it ever comes up.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/408823 Wed, 2 Jan 2008 22:16:49 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/408823 Well here we are at the family double-wide in Cottage Grove or, as the senior bipup sometimes calls ... http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/408262 Tue, 1 Jan 2008 17:42:31 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/408262 First thing tomorrow morning, we're off to Cottage Grove and questionable dial-up internet access. ... Beast Men of Oregon and my still-attached testicles. No indeed. Not a bit of it. It will just be because things in Oregon move at a pace all their own. Perhaps even the electrons are stoned; I don't know. In other news: The Senior and Seniora Bipup and their considerable entourage should be driving across the high Sonoran desert toward Hermosillo at this very moment. We gave them a very nice little party Sunday evening--the event at which I effectively kissed my testicles good-bye by growling at the junior bipup for no reason at all. Then, yesterday, they drove up to San Francisco, where they had rented a couple of hotel rooms, and (presumably) celebrated the coming of the New Year in fine citified style. If all went according to plan--and I'm thinking the bipeds would have been receiving frantic phone calls if it hadn't--their friend Russ drove them to the San Jose airport late this morning, and they jetted off to Tucson, via Phoenix. And they should now be on their way by car from Tucson to Hermosillo. Vayan con Diós, mis nuevos amigos (y mis viejos testículos).]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/408088 Tue, 1 Jan 2008 10:18:25 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/408088 So, yesterday, I find out I'm going to get my testicles unceremoniously removed, and today the biped ... Coretti didn't know how to dress. Clothing was a language and Coretti a kind of sartorial stutterer, unable to make the kind of basic coherent fashion statement that would put strangers at their ease. . . . He hadn't ever had a girl like the one who sat with her back arched slightly in the undersea light that splashed along the bar of the Backdoor. The same light was screwed into the lenses of the bartender's glasses, wound into the necks of the rows of bottles, splashed dully across the mirror. In that light her dress was the green of young corn, like a husk half stripped away, showing back and cleavage and lots of thigh through the slits up the side. Her hair was coppery that night. And, that night, her eyes were green. . . . They were mating, and no one knew. And the bartender, when he brought the next drink, offered his tired smile and said, "Rainin' out now, innit? Just won't let up." "Been like that all goddamn week," Coretti answered. "Rainin' to beat the band." And he said it right. Like a real human being. I believe the idea here is to entice you to read the whole story and to share the biped's enthusiasm for it. But I don't know that I'd bother, if I were you. But, you know, you can decide for yourself. If you give a spit. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got some licking to do.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/407635 Mon, 31 Dec 2007 09:11:47 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/407635 That's the current directive from biped high command. Apparently, I have growled one too many tim ... Apparently, I have growled one too many times at one too many people for one too many totally obscure (to the biped) and therefore totally unpredictable (to the biped) reasons. He has therefore decided that my testicles will be going up on the roof as soon as we get back from Oregon next week. He does not express any great faith that that will make me a model citizen, but he thinks it is at least worth a try, given how dire the consequences will be if I actually bite somebody. And given also that he has decided that, magnificent physical specimen though I undoubtedly am, I really should not be bred. We're both a little depressed about the whole thing, frankly.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/407350 Sun, 30 Dec 2007 12:23:16 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/407350 Question: How much does it cost to have a sluggish sewer line snaked out on the Sunday morning befo ... Question: How much does it cost to have a sluggish sewer line snaked out on the Sunday morning before New Years (bearing in mind that you're having 20 or so guests over that evening)? Answer: $647.00. Question: How much does it cost to have the great outdoors snaked out, no matter how many guests you're having over for pizza and beer? Answer: Nothing. Although snakes do charge double time on Sundays, their hourly rate is $0, so you can afford it, and the great outdoors seldom backs up anyway. I rest my case.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/406684 Fri, 28 Dec 2007 10:11:03 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/406684 You all know, Littermates, that some of my best pals are Chihuahuas. You may be one yourself. I me ... secreted! I am not making this up. In a story about the abduction of a Chihuahua named Tiny Tim from the local SPCA, the paper says, and I quote, "Tiny Tim, who was scheduled for adoption by a Carmel woman's daughter, was taken in a theft captured on videotape that showed a man apparently secreting the dog out of the SPCA under his coat." (Emphasis added.) Now that's a complicated reproductive cycle! You need a man with a hormonal problem wearing a coat inside an SPCA. And then he has to secrete the Chihuahua out of the SPCA, which must apparently be under his coat. I'm pretty sure you'd need M.C. Escher just to illustrate that, let alone do it. No wonder Chihuahuas always seem so stressed out! In other news: Heather is still on the case. In this morning’s paper, she is quoted as saying, "We have no evidence that the victims did or didn't enter the tiger enclosure." Now, I'm no police dog. Nor have I ever played one on TV. Heck, I'm not even a private dick. Nevertheless, I believe I can definitively state, without fear of contradiction, that the victims either did or did not, in point of fact, enter the tiger enclosure. And an afterthought: Is it just me? Or does putting a sun roof in a bulletproof limousine seem kind of... I don't know... stupid?]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/406393 Thu, 27 Dec 2007 11:46:33 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/406393 If you are, say, a member of a local winery's wine club, and they UPS you a couple of bottles of win ... that on your front porch, whether anybody is home or not. They will leave it there two days after Christmas, but still…]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/406321 Thu, 27 Dec 2007 08:47:45 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/406321 San Francisco police chief Heather Fong has vowed to get to the bottom of the tragic Christmas day t ... http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/405932 Wed, 26 Dec 2007 09:23:00 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/405932 Headlines from the December 26th, 2007 Monterey County Herald: December 25th, 2007, San Francisco ... December 25th, 2007, San Francisco, California: Loose tiger kills visitor at S.F. Zoo December 25th, 2007, Boulder Creek, California: Great Dane gives birth to 21 puppies Sort of makes you think, don’t it?]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/405930 Wed, 26 Dec 2007 09:14:14 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/405930 We here at DexCorp don't like to try to cram our own views down our readers' throats. We will not, ... some of us still believe in freedom of conscience and whatnot. (Whatnot, in this context, including well placed cash contributions, of course.) That said, when we come across a movie or TV show that we find truly uplifting, something that strives to ennoble the human soul, something that could provide a genuinely life changing experience to our readers... we change the channel immediately. I mean, who needs that kind of extra stress at this time of year? Then we put on a DVD of Monty Python's Life of Brian or South Park, "Woodland Critter Christmas" (Episode 814) And we highly recommend that you do the same. Unless, of course, you are easily offended. But if you were easily offended, we'd've lost you a long time ago, right? So, please, enjoy our holiday viewing recommendations. No thanks are necessary. You're very welcome.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/405703 Tue, 25 Dec 2007 16:28:11 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/405703 I have come to believe, Littermates, that there is a lot to be said for benign neglect. It has alwa ... a pair of saddlebags? For moi? You shouldn't have. Really. Yes, Littermates, I am now the proud owner of a pair of bright blue nylon saddlebags. (They match my collar perfectly, if not my eye color.) The biped put them on me and adjusted some straps. I shivered until he took them off. He made some further adjustments, put the bags back on me, loaded a couple of water bottle into them for verisimilitude, and endeavored to entice me out into the front yard for a romp. I felt about as much like romping as a linebacker in a tutu. I sullenly slinked out into the yard, flopped down on my belly, and refused to move any further. The bipedess was convinced that I would learn to love my saddlebags if I associated them with something positive like a hike. So they loaded me in the car and took me off to Fort Ord for an early afternoon hike. At first, I kept trying to sneak out of the saddlebags backwards or sideways, to turn myself inside out at the vent. I tried to roll them in horse manure. I tried to scrap them off on bushes. But I finally had to accept that they were on me like ugly on a biped and bear up as best I could. I might almost have forgotten that I was wearing them after a time, if the biped hadn't kept commenting on the evidently comical waddle they introduced into my otherwise fluid and sinuous gait. It was a very nice day to be out for a hike. I will say that much. On the other hand, I’m thinking the two of them better get used to sleeping with one eye open until such time as I may decide to forgive them this travesty.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/405184 Mon, 24 Dec 2007 09:12:22 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/405184 Yesterday afternoon, as the biped and I were sending out Christmas rosettes, the telephone rang. Th ... Hello? Which was followed by a longish pause, during which he did not say Well, I'll try, but she died in 1999. or I'm sorry--she seems to have stepped away from her life for a bit. or May I take a message? She's not among the living right now. Before he could think up any of those (offensively) clever things to say, the caller, who turned out to be his manically gregarious cousin Nancy from Virginia, figured out that she was addressing the biped himself and not, as his perennially youthful voice and manner had led her to believe, one of the bipups, and that it was therefore not appropriate to have asked him to put his mother on the line. Perhaps I'm sorry--she doesn't seem to be answering her phone right now would have been the safest response. Sometimes, I suppose, it is just as well that he is not quite as quick as he used to be. In other news: It turns out that the junior bipup's girlfriend, Jaime, will not be with us tomorrow. Apparently, she would rather spend Christmas day with her own family in southern California. And they don't even have a Gordon setter. Or a sidecar rig. Go figure.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/404536 Sat, 22 Dec 2007 14:17:15 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/404536 ...the Jack Palance (if not, perhaps, the Ricardo Montalbán) of Russian motorcycles. Newly possesse ... ...the Jack Palance (if not, perhaps, the Ricardo Montalbán) of Russian motorcycles. Newly possessed of a deep, sonorous, and yet understated machismo... the Russian sidecar rig of tus sueños, Hormiguita mía... Can it, DC. This is a site for people who are willing to accept talking dogs. I don't know that they're ready for talking motorcycles. But I'm sure they'll want to hear all about my new exhaust system! I'm sure they will, DC. And I'll tell them, too. But you'll just have to let me do it in my own inimitable fashion. [in a deep, sonorous, and yet understated stage whisper:] Sounds pretty imitable to me, you jumped-up little furball! Yes... Well... As I was saying, it turns out that I got a hike and a bike today. Last night the bipedess informed the biped that there was no way on Dog's green earth they were leaving for Santa Clara any earlier than 9:30 this morning. That being the case, the biped could think of no plausible reason not to take me for my regular Garland Park hike. Which he did. And I've got to tell you, Littermates, it was cold out there. We may not get much snow in this neck of the woods, but the mud puddles were all frozen. As was the very ground itself. What should have been damp loose sand was more like rough concrete. The biped actually liked the improved footing. Me? I was just happy to be there. When we got home, I was put in the back yard with my breakfast, and off the bipeds went to Santa Clara to retrieve DexCorp 1. (This time, the biped was wearing long johns and carrying a newly acquired balaclava, which, it turns out, is not a Middle Eastern dessert after all.) And I must say, my ride does sound great with its (its, not his!) new exhaust system. It's still pretty quiet by hardcore biker standards, but it no longer sounds even remotely like a sewing machine. But, of course, the biped is not so shallow as to have changed the exhaust system just for the sound quality. He tells me that Ski tells him that he'll get nine extra pounds of torque at 3000 rpm with the new system. The biped (if we are to be honest here) doesn't know a lot more about torque than I do. But he affirms that he can definitely detect more power--he was actually passing people on the way home. And not just pedestrians, either--people in cars! I can hardly wait to go for a spin. I'd lobby to do it today, except that... Baby, it's cold outside!]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/404115 Fri, 21 Dec 2007 13:12:39 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/404115 Well, maybe not. Still, the kid's got a point. The biped and the junior bipup evidently do not a ... Well, maybe not. Still, the kid's got a point. The biped and the junior bipup evidently do not agree on the ideal temperature for a hot tub. The bipup apparently feels that it is 101 degrees; whereas, the biped prefers 103. As for myself, I find the water quite tastey at either temperature. Last night, the bipup went out to take a soak all by his lonesome. When he came back in, he asked the biped, “Is it you who keeps turning the hot tub up to 103?” “Yeah,” said the biped, “Are you the one who keeps turning it down to 101?” “Right,” said the bipup, “How about we compromise and settle on 102?” “Done,” said the biped. “The thing is,” the bipup said reflectively, “I finally realized the futility of the situation. I mean, neither one of us ever gets the temperature he wants. You go out there, and you turn it up, but it's still only 101 while you're actually in it. I go out there, and I turn it down, but it's still 103 while I’m in it. It makes no sense.” One-oh-two is fine with me. I do wish they’d add the occasional bullion cube, though.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/404024 Fri, 21 Dec 2007 08:55:16 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/404024 The biped tells me that today is the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you are an Austra ... got to go all wobbly-kneed over a Russian sidecar rig, right? Well, Littermates, I'd better be getting back to what I do best, this being the shortest napping day of the year and all. Sappy solstice, one and all!]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/403635 Thu, 20 Dec 2007 09:01:27 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/403635 It looks like Christmas is going to be pretty quiet around here (I hope it was nothing I said): just ... I said): just the bipeds, the junior bipup, (with any luck) his girlfriend Jaime (of whom I am quite fond), and yours truly (and the cats, of course; but one really doesn't like to count cats, does one?). As far as I know, we haven't even laid in a supply of chipmunks to roast, though I expect there will be an open fire. The weekend of New Years Eve is looking rather more promising, though. In addition to the Senior and Mrs. Bipup, aka Gahan and Paty, and the lovely bride's maid Paola, of whom I have previously spoke, I believe, the additional lovely bride's maid Odette has been added to the party, along with Paty's elder brother Alex, who is, I am told, if not exactly lovely, nevertheless a very engaging fellow. It will be a full house (or at least two pair, with an ace high, ha, ha). And we don't get a lot of those around here--not since the last time the junior bipup hosted the Humboldt State Marching Lumberjack Band, in fact. If memory serves. And the bipeds have invited lots of old fogies over for the evening of the 30th, to ooh and ah over the young couple. I'm sure a grand time will be had by all. Apart, perhaps, from your faithful correspondant. I have been given to understand that I may well be spending quite a lot of time in the back yard, contemplating the errors of my ways.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/402790 Tue, 18 Dec 2007 11:39:40 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/402790 Biped: So, Dexter, are you excited about Christmas yet? Dexter: Not, so's you'd notice, Boss. ... Biped: So, Dexter, are you excited about Christmas yet? Dexter: Not, so's you'd notice, Boss. Why? Biped: Why? Well, because it's the biggest holiday of the whole year, that's why! Dexter: Refresh my memory; what is it we'll be celebrating, exactly? Biped: You mean apart from the winter solstice, material prosperity, full stomachs, and good will toward men (which must be understood in this context to include women and the transgendered)? Dexter: Yeah. Apart from all that. Give me the fundamentals. Biped: Why, Christmas celebrates the birth of Jesus Christ, who, gazillions of people believe, is the savior of the whole human race--apart from them what believes otherwise, of course. Dexter: Of course. Biped: So what's not to get excited about? Dexter: Well, correct me if I'm wrong, Boss. But the last time I checked, I was not part of the human race, irrespective of the eccentricities of my personal belief system. Biped: But still, Dexter! Whether you're a believer or not, you can't ignore the fact that Christmas is a huge deal! Dexter: Yeah, well... Wake me up for Easter, would you, Boss? Biped: Easter? Why Easter, Dexter? Dexter: Well, the way I figure it, Boss, any fool can get himself born--you, me, your lawyer friend, Peter... Just about anybody can do it. Biped: And your point would be? Dexter: But getting yourself resurrected... Now there's a wonder (or is it a sign?) I'd pay good Greenies to see.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/402311 Mon, 17 Dec 2007 09:04:31 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/402311 Hey, Dad, can I take your shotgun to work today? Well, you might suppose that, in most households ... Hey, Dad, can I take your shotgun to work today? Well, you might suppose that, in most households, a query like that would be cause for alarm. Or at least pause. Perhaps just the smallest request for clarification: But, Johnny, I thought the post office frowned on that sort of thing? But your supposition, reasonable though it might be, would also be mistaken in this case. The biped's actual response was, Sure. Just be sure you clean it afterwards. But it's OK. Honest. You see, the junior bipup has a really cushy job as the range assistant at the local public firing range at Leguna Seca raceway. (And if you don't think race cars, enormous motorcycles, and firearms go together... well, you're just not paying attention.) The bipup routinley goes to work well armed. Bringing his own firearms to work to practice with, sight in, clean, etc. gives him something to do during the long hours when there's just not much else going on at the range--public interest in good marksmanship just isn't what it once was, I'm afraid.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/402086 Sun, 16 Dec 2007 16:07:09 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/402086 The biped's mother was the elder of two children, the biped tells me. She herself had three childre ... fun; but one nevertheless had a desire to graduate from it at some point. Which, as it happens, never actually happened for the biped--by the time he was old enough to graduate from the kiddie table, his maternal grandparents had moved to a new house where there was more room at the main table, and the institution of the kiddie table fell into disuse. But what, you may well ax, does all that have to do with the price of ethanol in Iowa? I'm pretty sure it has something to do with black helicopters and who was really responsible for 9/11. But that is not the story I am here to tell. The story I am here to tell has to do with two tables at the bipups' wedding reception that were reserved for the potatoes of the groom. I'm not making that up, by the way--the cards on the tables read Reservado: Papas del Novio. So, anyway, the groom, aka the senior bipup, did not actually have enough potatoes in attendance to fill two whole tables, but there were quite a few more than could be accommodated at one table. The older more responsible potatoes arrived first, of course, and all congregated at one of the tables. By the time the younger, more care-free potatoes arrived, it was clear that most of them would have to sit at the other table. The junior bipup, who was the last of the groom's potatoes to arrive, took a look at the two remaining chairs at the first table, then took a look at the young potatoes at the other table, and said "Can I sit at the kiddie table?" Which, of course, he did. Which apparently caused the biped to reflect that he would much rather have been at the kiddie table himself. Looking around the "grown-ups," aka "old farts," table, he was shocked to discover that the bipedess, at 55, was the youngest person there, and that he himself was, by a single day, the second youngest. Tempus arfing fugit, indeed.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/402054 Sun, 16 Dec 2007 14:26:20 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/402054 ...but I'm not that tall. Long-time readers may remember how pleased I was at about this time las ... that tall. Long-time readers may remember how pleased I was at about this time last year when the bipeds presented me with a fragrant evergreen indoor p!ssing post, just as the weather was getting a bit nippy outside. Well, I don't know if I was insufficiently appreciative, or if they want to put my marking skills to the test, or what. But they have just this afternoon brought home a substantially shorter p!ssing post, which is fine by me--I am a dog of modest ambitions, after all. But they have put said p!ssing post on top of a folding card table about three feet off the floor. All very well if you are a biped, I suppose--there's even a strategically placed festive green trough at the bottom of the post*. But it's a little hard on a dog who's only about 27 inches high at the shoulders. And appreciably less than that at the p!zzle. *The trough, by the way, is already just about full--no doing of mine, I can assure you. The biped swears that the bipedess filled it, but he can tell that to the Marines--this setter wasn't whelped yesterday!]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/401262 Fri, 14 Dec 2007 10:31:14 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/401262 Last night I dreamt that the biped and I went to visit Seva, not up on the roof, or at any bridge or ... Seva, not up on the roof, or at any bridge or anything, but at home in Minnesota--you know how dreams are. And we weren't in DexCorp 1; we were in an old van of some sort. Which is probably just as well, because somewhere along the way, we had somehow picked up both Lyle and Leja. When we arrived at Seva's house, there was a bit of confusion, what with all us dogs turning into a bit of a bait ball in our mutually-reinforcing excitement. When the dust cleared, Seva was discovered to have her jaws rather tightly clamped onto the biped's right bicep. Once her Mommy had persuaded her to let go, you could see that the tooth marks weren't more than an inch or so deep--no real harm done. I must say that, in my dream at least, the biped was an uncommonly good sport about the whole thing. And no one else was injured in any way. It turned out that our visit was somewhat ill timed. Seva's Mommy and Daddy were having a party of some sort and were really not able to spend any time with us. And it is at this point in the dream that the whole thing gets confusing and fuzzy to the point of being unrecoverable. All I can tell you is that I woke up hungry--mmmmm, bicep!]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/401231 Fri, 14 Dec 2007 09:01:33 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/401231 Last night, the bipedess baked a batch of chocolate-chip cookies for her grad students--assuming tha ... do have some sense of smell, if you beat them over the head hard enough with an odor. He found the smell enticing. He looked at the cookies--about 20 of them, he tells me. Interestingly, he was not remotely tempted to snarf one or two cookies. Or even three. No satisfaction in that at all, he reflected. He was somewhat tempted to eat half the batch. And on a bad day, he might have scarfed down all of them. And regretted it later, to be sure. But that was clearly out of the question. And the one or two he might have got away with were just no temptation at all. Meanwhile, my own appetite has not abated at all, even though I have been back from the bordello for four days now. I've been putting away three squares a day all week, something previously unheard of. If this keeps up, the biped tells me, he may have to switch gears from attempting to get all the food he can into me to putting limits on my intake. The current outdoor temperature in Beautiful Downtown Spreckels is in the low 30s, by the way. Which is why I am comfortably ensconced in the biped's office chewing on your ear.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/400885 Thu, 13 Dec 2007 10:23:23 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/400885 We may be getting a visit from the newlyweds much sooner than we had imagined. It seems that, whi ... http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/400577 Wed, 12 Dec 2007 11:52:12 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/400577 As I said yesterday, I got a reasonable amount of exercise while I was at the bordello, even if it w ... pretty sure I recall being fed. And yet, I have been extraordinarily hungry ever since I arrived home yesterday morning. Could it be that one frustrated appetite is redirected into another appetite more easily satisfied? Of course, if the biped chooses to believe that I scarcely ate at the bordello because I was pining away for his company... well, who am I to set him straight?]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/400413 Tue, 11 Dec 2007 20:29:48 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/400413 First of all, I know that some of you, for reasons that are entirely beyond me, are interested in th ... pictures. Now then, about this bordello business. I'm not an expert on the subject, but I am fairly sure that a bordello is supposed to involve some, you know, actual physical contact; whereas, I was not allowed to commune with any other dogs (or bitches!), unless it was through a chain-link fence. When I say that I was held in solitary confinement, I do not mean to imply that I was crated the whole time; I wasn't. I spent most of the daylight hours outdoors in a fairly spacious pen, with many other dogs in adjacent pens. And I got my time in the exercise yard every day. But, apparently, they have some sort of policy about keeping intact males separated, not only from each other--which I can kind of understand--but from the rest of the canine population as well. It just doesn’t seem to me like that’s any way to run a bordello.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/400235 Tue, 11 Dec 2007 10:23:56 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/400235 I'm back. They're back. Everybody's in one piece. The house is still standing. More when I can p ... http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/398000 Wed, 5 Dec 2007 11:58:00 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/398000 The biped was rushing around this morning, getting ready to cart me off to the bordello. One of the ... not reply, "If I wanted to arfing look it up, I could have arfing looked the whole arfing thing up, couldn't I? The whole arfing point of having a number written down by the phone is so you can actually call it, without, you know, arfing looking anything up!" No. What he actually said was, "Fine." And without the slightest hint of sarcasm or irritation in his voice, I might add. Now, I am not a big fan of numbers, myself, but I can kind of see his point. I mean, suppose I were to tell you that our phone number is 1212--it isn't, by the way, but suppose I were to tell you that. You would no doubt say, "But Dexter, that isn't the whole number. I need the area code and the prefix, too." If I were then to say, "Well, you know I live in Monterey County, California; you can easily look up the area code. And I have told you any number of times that I live in Beautiful Downtown Spreckels. As it happens, Beautiful Downtown Spreckels has but one prefix. You could look all this information up on the internet, you lazy lout! And, oh by the way, it's a listed number, so you could have found the 1212 in the book, too," you might, at the very least, wonder why I had gone to the trouble to give you an incomplete and therefore useless number in the first place. Or you might smack me upside the head with a phone book. But that would be wrong.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/397690 Tue, 4 Dec 2007 16:19:11 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/397690 Yes, Littermates, bright and early tomorrow morning, I am once again being shipped off for a stay at ... you rather spend this weekend, at a fancy-shmancy church wedding in Hermosillo, Mexico, or at a dog bordello in Gilroy, California? (That's one of those liturgical questions that you don't actually have to answer because the answer is so hit-you-over-the-head obvious--the bordello in Gilroy wins by 1.62 country kilometers.) The biped's customers seem to be having some difficulty getting with the program. Two of them have placed large rush orders today that the biped is trying desperately to get shipped before COB tomorrow. This has put him in the somewhat novel position of actually having to bust his arse this afternoon. It is an open question whether I will even get walked today. Though it is perhaps just as well that I conserve my strength (wink, wink, nudge, nudge, know what I mean?).]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/397199 Mon, 3 Dec 2007 11:57:43 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/397199 All you dogs with your snow pix think you're so cool! (And you are, of course.) But I want you to ... are, of course.) But I want you to know that we're suffering here in Greater Metropolitan Spreckels. Last Friday, the local high temperature was the lowest high for November 30th recorded since they started keeping records in the 1950s: 54 degrees! And on Saturday--the day that the biped had arranged to ride DexCorp one 70 miles to Santa Clara--the local high was the lowest recorded since 1961. I don't remember what that high actually was, but the biped assures me that during the morning hours when he was riding, the temperature was in the low to mid 40s. Which might not sound impressive to those of you in Minnesota or Montana or Iowa or Nebraska or Canada or Vermont or... well, just about anywhere, I guess. But, when you consider that the only motorcycle gloves the biped even owns are summer gloves with perforations in the back to admit a nice cooling air flow, when you consider that the bozo was wearing regular old blue jeans, when you consider that, as far as he knew, balaclavas were only for people robbing liquor stores... well, trust me, he was cold. But I've got no snow pix to show for this record cold snap. If I were to show you a picture of the park across the street right now, you would say that it looked like a very nice September day in some part of the continent that has actual seasons. You would have no sympathy for us whatsoever. You're all just cold, that's what you are! (Cool snow pix, though—I like 'em.)]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/396892 Sun, 2 Dec 2007 16:24:43 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/396892 Frosty Paws! I love 'em! Gotta have 'em! Great stuff! Frosty Paws. I can take 'em or leave 'em ... http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/396486 Sat, 1 Dec 2007 15:20:37 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/396486 Well, not so much from the forest, as from the house. And probably not forever, really--just until ... is, structurally, part of the house. So, really, I suppose, you can just forget the whole damn title. I guess I was just in a Tommy Smothers sort of mood. The biped took me for my regular hike this morning. It was cold. The biped, for reasons unknown to me, was in kind of a pissy mood to start with. His mood did not improve when he came around a bend in the trail and found me rolling in a big pile of delightfully fresh horse manure. When we got home from our hike, which was the full regulation distance, but did not include any time to play at the pond (apart from flushing that one great blue heron) [deep breath], the biped would not suffer me to enter the house. He put my food bowl on the back porch and me in the back yard. Then he set out to take DexCorp 1 up to TriQuest in Santa Clara for service and modifications. When he got back four hours later--the bipedess drove up there to pick him up--I was still covered with horse manure, and the temperature was still in the 40s--practically arctic by the standards of Greater Metropolitan Spreckels. He wouldn't let me in the house while my back remained green with horse manure. Nor did he have the heart to give me a bath outside with cold water on a day like this. He apparently considered bathing me inside with warm water, but, contemplating what the bathroom would no doubt look like in the aftermath, decided against it. Finally, he came outside with a towel, hosed me off quickly, patted me semi-dry, and let me come into his office, where I have been lying virtually beneath the wheels of his office chair, the better to demonstrate my devotion and desire to be near him. He keeps lecturing me about "connecting the dots" the next time I am contemplating a roll in the hay--digested hay, that is. I won't say, Dexter, that it is ever a good idea to roll in horse manure, but it is particularly ill advised on a day as brisk as today. It can only result in your having to spend long hours outside in the cold, quite possibly soaked to the skin into the bargain. I trust you will remember that the next time your are considering such a roll. Remember what? I don't do connecting the dots. He should know that by now.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/395980 Fri, 30 Nov 2007 09:00:17 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/395980 The biped took me over to Garland Park yesterday afternoon. I guess he didn't feel like running, an ... full, exactly. But there were substantially more cars there than I have toes to count them on. The biped apparently found that a little off putting--"Don't any of these people have jobs?" he muttered under his breath. I, on the other hand, was looking forward to a bit more socializing than I usually get to do. But here's the thing: When we were crossing the foot bridge from the parking lot to the Visitors' Center, we passed one guy and his dog on their way out. When we had completed our hike and were almost back to the Visitors' Center again, we passed one very old man who looked as if he might just have wandered off from The Home. Other than those two, we saw no one, no one! Where had all those people disappeared to? Do the mountain lions hold some sort of a Thursday afternoon feast to which we had not been invited? (Not that I'm complaining, mind you!) Were they all gathered in some sort of coven at the Fern Pond? Surely, they could not all have ascended Snively's Ridge (which is a good deal more work to get to than Boise, by the way). We may never know, Littermates. Creepy, I calls it.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/395633 Thu, 29 Nov 2007 10:59:09 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/395633 As Mulligan astutely points out, it may actually be the duty of our species to encourage unprotracte ... Mulligan astutely points out, it may actually be the duty of our species to encourage unprotracted sex. Among the humans, I mean. According to Mulligan, the technical term for the performance of said duty is canus interruptus. And I must say, Littermates, that it is hard to argue with Dog Latin. In addition, Fred--you knew it would have to be Fred, didn't you?--has responded as only he can respond to my call for slogans. Some of them are real gems: Unprotracted Sex, just do it! Unprotracted sex, if you're going to do it, do it with Fred! Unprotracted Sex, geez, was that it? Unprotracted Sex, use a ruler instead! And my personal favorite: Unprotracted Sex, let's not draw this out! The more alert among you will have noticed, however, that none of Fred's slogans really express much in the way of opposition to unprotracted sex (unless you figure that the one about doing it with Fred is something in the way of reverse psychology). They tend for the most part, in fact, to encourage unprotracted sex (thought the one about the ruler might put some people off, I suppose). But they're such good slogans I couldn't stand to just discard them. So I have persuaded the board of DexCorp and the Frisbetarian College of Venial Ordinals to switch their positions--you wouldn't want them to cramp up, would you?--and come out in support of unprotracted sex. Again, I must stress, however, only for the humans. I mean, if human males have neither a baculum nor the ability to achieve a lock, that's their problem, sez I.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/395106 Wed, 28 Nov 2007 08:48:41 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/395106 Aren't you glad, Littermates, that we live in these modern times, when embarrassing personal problem ... me pause, even though I made them up myself. So, what I am proposing, Littermates, is that we form a committee, come up with a catchy slogan, commission some teal ribbon decals, and then run around like a group of very grave chickens with our heads cut off. I'm pretty sure that will do the trick. Be careful out there, Littermates.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/394799 Tue, 27 Nov 2007 15:45:25 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/394799 But I have promises to keep And miles to go before I sleep And miles to go before I sleep The n ... But I have promises to keep And miles to go before I sleep And miles to go before I sleep The nice thing about having a chauffer, of course, is that you can have miles to go and sleep at the same time. The biped is trying to get a few more miles on DexCorp 1 before this weekend, so that he can take it up to TriQuest on Saturday for its 5000 km service. It's going to have to stay there for a while, because a number of things need to be taken care of in addition to the scheduled service: a new rear tire, a new higher performance exhaust system, a luggage rack for the sidecar fender, splash guards for the biped's legs--I am nothing if not a considerate employer--and last, but certainly not least, a new or rebuilt transmission, on account of Ural in its wisdom has recalled our current one. So, as I said, once at TriQuest, DexCorp 1 is going to be there for a week or two. And since the bipeds are going to Mexico for the senior bipup's wedding next week, this coming up weekend would be the ideal time to put DexCorp 1 in the shop. But we need to put two or three hundred more miles on it this week to get it close enough to 5000 km so that that service can be thrown in with all the other stuff. Which is why the biped took me for a very pleasant little ride this afternoon. We took Highway 68 over to Monterey, then cruised the waterfront and Lover’s Point and Asilomar Beach, before coming home via Jack's Peak and Highway 68 again--somewhere around 50 miles, altogether. Many novel and interesting smells. A lot of time spent sitting up and looking regal. Many nods to my delighted subjects. Then, once we were back on Highway 68, which I have seen a couple of two or three times before, I curled up and took a nice little nap. The odometer kept right on turning over while I snoozed. It's hard work being a responsible Ural owner. But Dog knows somebody's got to do it.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/394662 Tue, 27 Nov 2007 10:36:18 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/394662 Tavar recently came when called. Charlotte didn't bark at a visitor. And me? Well, on these chill ... Tavar recently came when called. Charlotte didn't bark at a visitor. And me? Well, on these chilly mornings, I find that just napping in the biped's nice warm office starts looking pretty good. The front yard will still be there a little later, when the temperature has climbed into the 40s.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/394221 Mon, 26 Nov 2007 09:37:55 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/394221 Well, maybe it wasn't just the weather. Or maybe it was. Pongo's gone. Which would be one more th ... Pongo's gone. Which would be one more thing to hold against November. Until you realize that it was another November that brought the boy in. November giveth. And November taketh away. But, heck, how sad can you be? All Dallas held a parade for Pongo on Thanksgiving day. And then yesterday he went gently in his sleep, surrounded by those who loved him. We should all be so lucky. Only it doesn't feel lucky right now, does it? I sometimes think that never blows so red The rose as where some buried Caesar bled That every hyacinth the garden wears Dropt in its lap from some once lovely head]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/394056 Sun, 25 Nov 2007 19:11:54 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/394056 Today has been the kind of day that gives November a bad name. Dull, leaden, hazy overcast all day. ... all day. Not warm. Not cold. Not wet. Not windy. The sky was like the sky of the planet in the original Soviet version of Solaris. It's been the kind of day that makes you wish something--almost anything--would happen. It could have cleared up and become pleasant. But it didn't. The overcast could have deepened into rain clouds. But it didn't. News could have reached us that someone in Europe had gone out for cigarettes and inadvertently invaded Belgium. But it didn't. The biped and I did go out and run around the park this afternoon. But we had no sooner finished than it seemed as if we had never started. As if nothing is even allowed to happen on a day like today. With the exception of my birthday--and possibly Thanksgiving, for those of you who are allowed to celebrate it--there is, in my view, nothing whatso-arfing-ever to recommend November.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/393584 Sat, 24 Nov 2007 15:13:54 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/393584 We had a very nice Garland Park hike this morning. I did, anyway--apparently, the biped's hands get ... I did, anyway--apparently, the biped's hands get kind of uncomfortable when the temperature is in the low 30s and he hasn't mustered the foresight to wear gloves, which you can pretty well bet that he hasn't, since he doesn't own any other than his motorcycle gloves, which would be inappropriate. There were more dogs there than usual this morning. And I was very well behaved in making their acquaintance. This one Chessy and I did rub each other just slightly the wrong way. But we exchanged no more than a quick growl in passing--neither of us was interested in pursuing the matter. I realize that lately I have not been doing much more than mentioning my hikes. It's not that I have in any way lost my enthusiasm for them. Far from it--they remain my favorite two hours of the whole week. But the story of one is very much like the story of another, and I have no desire to bore you. Earlier this afternoon, the biped took me for a ride in DexCorp I. Since we had no particular place to go, I let him show me around the Monterey neighborhood in which he and the bipedess lived when they were first married, in 1974. It has, the biped tells me, changed remarkably little, having neither been gentrified nor whatever the reverse of gentrified is. The same cypress trees play host to the descendants of the same crows, who now crap on an only slightly different batch of parked cars. What did strike him as kind of remarkable, he says, is that the streets seem to be in precisely the same state of modest disrepair as they were 33 years ago, which scarcely seems credible--sort of like those guys on Miami Vice, who managed to stay perpetually unshaven and yet perpetually unbearded, too. We came home through Seaside and Fort Ord. I spent much more time sitting up in the Command Module than I usually do, knowing, as I did, that the biped would be pleased at the opportunity to show me off. I leaned into the wind at 60 on Highway 1, and I suffered myself to be petted at every stop light in Seaside (by the biped, I mean--the rabble dast not approach). We--which is to say I--got many admiring stares. While the biped and I were out helping to keep the globe warm, the bipedess was grocery shopping. I have not yet seen the actual evidence, but I have been given to understand that Frosty Paws were on the shopping list. And who, I ax you, needs leftovers when you've got Frosty Paws?]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/393093 Fri, 23 Nov 2007 09:32:50 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/393093 Dexter: Hi, Boss! Glad to see you back. Biped: Thank you, Dexter. It's nice to be home. De ... Dexter: Hi, Boss! Glad to see you back. Biped: Thank you, Dexter. It's nice to be home. Dexter: So, Boss... What did you bring me? Biped: Bring you? Dexter: Yeah. Bring me. You know... leftovers. Biped: I'm afraid there's been some misunderstanding, Dexter. I don't know what gave you the idea that... Dexter: Don't give me that spit, Boss! You guys have just come back from Thanksgiving dinner... There've got to be leftovers! Biped: Oh. You knew about that, did you, Dexter? Dexter: Damn straight, Boss! Now let's have 'em! Biped: Well, you see, Dexter... as it turns out... um... there weren't actually any leftovers... per se... as it were... that is... Dexter: What are we talking about here, Boss? Some sort of bipedal feeding frenzy? You descended upon the table like a swarm of locusts, and when you were done, there wasn't a scrap of dark meat left? Not a morsel of stuffing? Not a dollop of mashed potatoes? Not the acutest triangle of apple pie? Frankly, Boss, I'm finding my credulity a little strained here. There was nothing left? Biped: Well, Dexter... It's not so much that there wasn't anything... as that we didn't take anything. Home with us, you see? Dexter: I'm beginning to, Boss. And I'm beginning to see where I'm going to be doing all my Christmas shopping, too: www.lumpofcoal.com. Unless, of course, you'd prefer a lump of ethanol.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/392738 Thu, 22 Nov 2007 09:32:37 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/392738 The bipeds and the junior bipup are about to depart for the house of the biped's elder brother and s ... http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/392007 Tue, 20 Nov 2007 16:53:34 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/392007 Dexter: Well, Boss, that was awfully slow. But I guess it was the full 2.1 miles, huh? Biped: ... Dexter: Well, Boss, that was awfully slow. But I guess it was the full 2.1 miles, huh? Biped: Actually, Dexter, it was 2.4. I threw in an extra lap to make up for the pace. Dexter: No kidding? Biped: No kidding. Dexter: So, how you feeling, Boss? Biped: Like reheated rat spit. Thanks for asking. Dexter: No problem, Boss. Maybe you should go take a rest, huh? Biped: Thank you, Dexter. I think I will. Dexter: We want you all rested up and ready to go by tomorrow afternoon. Four o’clock sharp, eh, Boss? Biped: I shall be there at ten. Dexter: ?]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/391970 Tue, 20 Nov 2007 15:48:04 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/391970 ...It's just that I don't care. The biped has been attempting, for the last two or three days, to ... It's just that I don't care. The biped has been attempting, for the last two or three days, to fight off a cold. One that the bipedess thoughtfully brought back from Taiwan some time ago and graciously shared with both of the bipups. The biped had begun to think that he was going to be able to give it a miss, but evidently not. He's not what you could actually call sick, mind you. Just has that kind of thickening incipient sore throat and a runny nose. And I'm sure he has my complete sympathy, such as it is. I just wish he'd confine his malingering to his own time, that's all. (If you think I am being insensitive, you must bear in mind that, while walking me around town at heel, he is forever saying things like Pee on your own time, Dexter! Right now, you're on the clock! So, yeah, maybe I am insensitive, but I come by it naturally.) He appears to be working himself up to calling in sick for my run this afternoon. Says he doesn’t even feel much like walking. Yeah, well, I don't feel much like spending the entire arfing day in the yard, either, Sport. So let's suck it up and hit the pavement, shall we?]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/391470 Mon, 19 Nov 2007 15:42:29 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/391470 I have been Thanksgiving tagged by my pal Bogey. I am torn, frankly, between a desire to participat ... Bogey. I am torn, frankly, between a desire to participate and a curmudgeonly disinclination to do so. So I've decided to participate half-arsedly. That is, I will list seven things I am thankful for, but I won’t tag seven more pals--sorry, just feels too much like a pyramid scheme. So here we go. Seven things I’m thankful for: 7 my testicles (if that doesn’t count as two) 6 DexCorp 1 5 the relative freedom of a large walled yard 4 longish daily walks or runs 3 weekly unleashed hikes in the woods 2 a biped who works at home, if you can call it that 1 all my Dogster pals, especially you]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/391307 Mon, 19 Nov 2007 09:19:06 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/391307 I may, at the moment, look a little like a wildebeest (good one, Tavar), but that does not mean I ge ... Tavar), but that does not mean I get disrespected in the 'hood: Yesterday afternoon, the biped and I were jogging around the park. Over on Second St., some yappy little terrier was out in its front yard, leashed to its biped. Every time we came around, the terrier started yapping. But it did not leave its yard, so we paid it no mind. On our fifth lap, though, the terrier slipped the surly bonds of its biped and came charging across the street yapping and dragging its leash, its biped piteously whining from the yard for it to please come, Fluffy, come! (If you would like to imagine the terrier's biped stamping his slippered foot, you may.) As the wee beastie approached us, the biped and I both turned our heads toward it, the better to assess the situation. As soon as we were actually looking in his direction, Fluffy made an abrupt course correction, apparently deciding that he would rather parallel us than attack us. But he didn't head for home. He just kept running along in the street on a parallel course and about ten feet behind us. Which was annoying for us, and was likely to become dangerous for poor fluffy, as we were approaching a busy cross street. So the biped, who had me at heel, abruptly turned me 180 degrees, and we started running back in Fluffy's direction, the idea being that we would simply lead him back to his biped. But the second we turned on him, Fluffy not only turned tail and scampered back to the questionable protection of his biped, he started yelping like a dog who had just been bitten, or kicked, or had his tail slammed in a door. You'd have thought we were out to kill the little beast! Fluffy's biped made an appreciative noise of some sort, and we turned around and continued our run. All swell that end swell, I guess. On another subject entirely, we have discovered that our regular supermarket does carry Frosty Paws, after all. The biped just hadn't known where to look (in the freezer, dummy!), or exactly what he was looking for. Now he does. (There are sharper bipeds out there, I'm sure, but mine is, ultimately, trainable. And his heart's in the right place--good to know, if you ever need to stab somebody.)]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/390968 Sun, 18 Nov 2007 15:27:31 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/390968 I hear from various pals that there is or recently has been snow in such diverse locations as Englan ... PS: Those of you not familiar with Christmas in California need to rent Mixed Nuts with Steve Martin. That's just what Christmas is like here in Spreckels, honest.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/390441 Sat, 17 Nov 2007 10:08:49 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/390441 Ran into an old friend at Garland Park this morning: Beauty the black lab. We almost didn't recogni ... clue--because she was part of a pack of three black lab/lab mixes. Apparently, her bipedess has been temporarily saddled with dog sitting duties for friends or relatives or something--I'm afraid I was paying closer attention to Beauty's nethers than I was to the bipedal conversation. (It is at this point that the biped should be filling in the details, but apparently he wasn't really paying attention either. And I'm pretty sure he wasn't attending to anybody's nethers, so there's really no excuse.) Anyway, we had a nice hike, as usual. And it's a good thing we got it in early, because the biped and the bipedess are going dress shopping later today, and Dog only knows how long that will take. Luckily, they're only shopping for one dress, a dress for the bipedess to wear to the senior biped's wedding in Mexico next month. There's no telling how long it might take to find a dress that would fit the biped. But, as I understand it, he'll just be along to tell the bipedess how perfectly wonderful she looks in whatever the hell dress she picks out. It's a tough job, but somebody's got to do it. Personally, I think a nice little black and tan number would look good on just about anybody. Alas, I am seldom consulted on matters of bipedal fashion. Later that same day: Jeez, they're back already. Apparently, the bipedess liked the very first dress she tried on in the very first store. She went to a second store and tried on two more dresses to be sure. Then they went back to the first store and bought the first dress. It's not black and tan, but it's nice, I guess--though the bipedess did get pretty huffy with me when she was trying it on at home with various of her shoes, and I slobbered on it just a little (isn't that the reaction women are looking for when they buy a new dress, for Dog's sake?)]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/389996 Fri, 16 Nov 2007 09:01:59 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/389996 Last night I dreamt I was a sight hound, something short haired-- an Ibizan hound or Azawakh-- al ... http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/389633 Thu, 15 Nov 2007 10:04:09 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/389633 I have got to get a new groomer! Ever since the biped gave up on the idea of my having a show car ... got to get a new groomer! Ever since the biped gave up on the idea of my having a show career, he stopped taking me to the groomer in north Salinas who knew how to show-groom setters, and took me back to the (more conveniently located) groomer in south Salinas, who doesn’t know how to show-groom setters, but does (or so we had thought) know how to run set a of clippers. I always come back from this groomer embarrassingly short haired, slippery, and sweet smelling for a gun dog, usually with some silly bandana tied around my neck. But, in the past, it's generally been nothing that a couple of weeks of exuberant coat growth and runs in the woods wouldn't set right. This time it's different. We setters naturally have beautiful long "feathers" on the under sides of our tails--some of my older pictures show mine off nicely. Part of the grooming process involves clipping off the feathers near the very base of the tail for... ahem... hygienic reasons. Fair enough. But this time she shaved the feathers off nearly half of my damn tail! I don't look like a setter; I look like some sort of poodle with a paint brush shoved up his vent! How will I face my pals at the bordello next month when the bipeds go off to Mexico for the senior bipup's big wedding? The horror. The horror.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/388999 Tue, 13 Nov 2007 18:38:08 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/388999 or Third time's the charm. The supermarket we regularly go to does not stock Frosty Paws. The ... Third time's the charm. The supermarket we regularly go to does not stock Frosty Paws. The no-name supermarket next to the UPS store the biped had to go to this afternoon anyway does not stock Frosty Paws. But the Nob Hill on the way home from the no-name supermarket does stock Frosty Paws. The biped popped them in the freezer when he got home and then took me out for a run around the park. At the end of which, he gave me a Greenie because, you know, that's what I was expecting, and it is not a good idea to frustrate the expectations of large dogs. But after we'd both had a few minutes to catch our breath, he invited me into the kitchen and introduced me to Mr. Frosty Paws. Sweet jumpin' Jebus, Littermates, those things are good! You may keep your steer penises, thank you very much; I am a Frosty Paws dog from now on. Now there's a dog, that if you gave him a choice between a cow poke and a Frosty Paw, he'd leave that cow poke right there, right there on the lawn, and he'd eat that, that Frosty Paw, even if he was wearin’ his give-up pants, if he had any, like there was no tomorrow. Rajah Q., by the way, has volunteered to take the other two Bully Rings off our hands (which we will thereafter be washing, I assure you). He seems to think that his child bride may already have developed a taste for, or may be induced to develop a taste for, such fare. Seems like a risky gambit to me, but I'm not here to pass judgment.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/388890 Tue, 13 Nov 2007 15:26:04 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/388890 Thank you, Littermates, both for your very kind wishes and for your practical information--I shall b ... Pongo the best. A less splenetic dog I have never met. Of course, I have never actually met Pongo, either, but you know what I mean, right? Be careful out there, Littermates.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/388453 Mon, 12 Nov 2007 15:44:11 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/388453 Apparently, the biped is wise to the fact that I'm wise to the fact that today is my birthday. So h ... I'm wise to the fact that today is my birthday. So he didn't just try to ignore it like he did my first three birthdays. No. He went out to PetSmart to get me a treat of some sort. He tells me he was hoping to find Frosty Paws there. But they don't carry them, and he can't think of any place else locally that even might--where do you guys get the darn things, anyway? So, instead, he found the display where they keep all the bovine penis products--you can call it a bully stick if you want, but we all know what it is, right? He had always found the idea of bully stix somewhat... well, unsettling. But so many of you seem to rave about the things, he felt sure that I would find them an acceptable offering. But what kind to get? He pictured me dragging a 30", chewed upon, soggy bully stick around the house, and said to himself No, I don't think so. So, how about the 12" bully stix? Better... but still. He reflected that you could probably chop them into smaller lengths. But... ow! So he ended up buying me a package of three bully rings. That's right, Littermates, bovine penises bent into the shape of giant onion rings. He found that form of the product more aesthetically acceptable, somehow. Though, frankly, it sounds a little cruel to me. So, anyway, he came home, apologized about the Frosty Paws, and made a big show of presenting me with my first ever bully ring. Well, what was I supposed to do? I took it of course. I mean, I didn't want to offend the poor simpleton. He'd clearly tried to do something nice for me. But really! You know those things smell like exactly what they are. (It was apparent from the look on his face that even the biped could smell them the minute he opened the package.) And, while I can hardly claim to find the scent of mammal genitals offensive, exactly, it is, nevertheless, not a scent I'm looking for in a food treat. So, the bully ring is resting--unlike its erstwhile owner--intact on the front lawn. If you'd like to swing by and remove it before the lawn guys get here on Thursday, be my guest. We'll call it a birthday party.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/388040 Sun, 11 Nov 2007 16:51:34 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/388040 The weather was dreary all week last week, as you may have gathered from that "November" diary entry ... sparklin' day. The biped and I took a little ride in DexCorp 1, just to get the cobwebs out. Then the biped planted those three rose bushes he got the bipedess for her birthday. Then I hung out in the yard for quite a while--time flies when you're napping. And just now, we did our 2.1 mile run/trot/stagger/jog around the park. There's a brisk little breeze from the southwest--just enough to keep a dog cool while he's trotting at heel. Quite a satisfactory weekend. You would never know, by the way, that it's football season from observing the bipeds this fall. As free-market types, they not only admit to being fair-weather 49er's fans, they pride themselves on it. When they field a product that's worth watching again, I'll watch it, the biped says. In the mean time, Dexter, let's get some fresh air.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/387462 Sat, 10 Nov 2007 10:25:44 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/387462 Yesterday afternoon, the biped did, in fact, make me do almost all of my two-mile leashed walk at he ... if I am out in front, he decided it was time finally to pay attention to all those vent-retentive dog psychologists who say you should never let your dog walk in front of you. Hence, the new marching orders. But, as I believe I may have mentioned once or twice before, he is not a monster: At several strategic points around town--points at which he really wouldn't mind if I decided to relieve myself--he gives me the OK for a bit, and I am allowed to sniff and mark and take care of such other business as I may have. Then it's back to heeling. As long as I get my unleashed hikes, I guess it's OK. Time will tell. And I got a particularly nice long hike this morning, about half again as long as our usual hike. For those of you familiar with Garland Park (there must be someone) this is the route we took: Lupine Loop to the Mesa Trail, Mesa Trail to the Fern Trail, Fern Trail to the Sage Trail, Sage Trail to the Sky Trail, down the Sky Trail to the Mesa Trail again, up the Mesa Trail to the Mesa Pond, down the Waterfall Trail to Lupine Loop again. Very near the end, we came upon a biped couple with a German Shepherd. Their Shepherd seemed--if not aggressive exactly--eager to assert his dominance. Without any growling or fussing or dramatics, I made it clear that I was having none of that (yeah, you can sniff mine, but only if I can sniff yours, Sport). As we went on our way, I heard the woman remarking either to the dog or to her husband, "My, that's a dog that can hold his own, isn't it, Rocky?" I got all momentarily puffed up with pride. Until I remembered that disgraceful incident with the terriorist last year.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/387208 Fri, 9 Nov 2007 16:06:19 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/387208 No comfortable feel in any member - No shade, no shine, no butterflies, no bees, No fruits, no flo ... No comfortable feel in any member - No shade, no shine, no butterflies, no bees, No fruits, no flowers, no leaves, no birds - November! Evidently, house flies are not the only things that get sluggish in November. Dogster has been unDogly sluggish since some time last night. And I'm pretty sure that's why my readership numbers seem to be down a bit. I can't think of any other plausible explanation. It's not like I've lost any of my wit, vivacity, modesty, or puppyish charm. Or like I've been offending anybody's delicate religious sensibilities. The biped took me running again yesterday afternoon. And he kept me at heel the whole time! Apparently, he is not a big fan of my hurry-up-and-slow-down-let's-pee-on-the-hydrant-every-lap style of jogging. I must say (grudgingly) that heeling at a trot beats the snot out of heeling at a walk. I mean, it's not my first choice, but it's tolerable. So I'm afraid I cooperated. Which probably means he'll want to do it that way every time. If he tries to pull the same stunt when we are walking, he and I may have to have a little chat. Or perhaps a couple of tacos de gato. With a nice Chianti, ha, ha. We have heard nothing more of or from the mad Australians. Their precipitous departure from the western and northern hemispheres remains a mystery. Perhaps they saw something untoward at Sturgis and have been forced into a witness protection program of some sort. Geez, I seem to be running on empty here. Maybe a nice long hike tomorrow morning will reinvigorate me, and I will have something amusing to say later in the day. Or maybe November is just a singularly unamusing month.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/386740 Thu, 8 Nov 2007 11:18:46 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/386740 The biped talks to me all the time, of course. Which does not strike me as in any way odd or inappr ... think he's my intellectual equal. It makes him happy, and it costs me nothing.) So, as I was saying, he talks to me all the time. But when he starts talking to house flies--dead house flies, at that--then I worry that something may be amiss. Or askew. Or aslant... one of those a- words. We were in the back of his office this morning, packaging the day's orders--he does most of the packaging; I'm more of a supervisory sort of dog. A lone, enormous house fly kept buzzing around the room, and landing, and buzzing around some more. It didn't particularly bother me, but it was driving the biped nuts. Finally, he rolled up some of the newspaper he uses for packing material and stalked the enormous flying creepy-crawly until it landed on the window frame. Then he dispatched it with a single blow. (I suppose one advantage of keeping the premises relatively cool is that it tends to dull the reflexes of the cold blooded amongst us.) "If you could have just shut the arf up, you'd still be alive and well, you dumb son of a bitch!" he said to various fragments of the erstwhile fly. Now, see, I'm pretty sure that I am the only dumb son of a bitch around here, and I have no desire to adopt a bunch of house fly fragments into the clan. The boy worries me sometimes.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/386330 Wed, 7 Nov 2007 07:38:23 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/386330 The single most important point about any religion is, of course, that it has to tell people somethi ... One: Your religion should never depend upon, propound, or support any testable hypothesis. As soon as you've hitched your wagon to a testable hypothesis, science rears its ugly head. And we all know how messy that can get. Given that everybody knows that the soul is invisible and has no weight, mass, or volume, I can rest fairly secure in the knowledge that you will not devise an experiment to prove that there aren't a whole spit load of them up on various roofs. Two: Constantly remind people that absence of proof is not proof of absence. You can get away with that one for millennia. While there is no evidence that the roofs of Beautiful Downtown Spreckels are chock-a-block with the souls of the dearly departed, neither is there any evidence that they are not. So there. In politics, of course, you can often get away with scrupulously refusing to test a perfectly testable but sensitive hypothesis and then pointing out loudly and ad nauseum that there is no evidence for said hypothesis. By the time some wise guy gets around to testing the hypothesis, it's yesterday's news, and we have all moved on to the next crisis de jour. Who cares whether or not the Whigs were demonstrably loopy--and I'm not saying they were; I've never bothered to check--there haven't been any for 150 years or so. But you want your religion to be in it for the long haul. Catholics, you must remember, are sometimes still required to blush about that whole unfortunate Galileo episode. Burning heretics at the stake is all very well, if their heretical views are as untestable as your orthodoxy. But, get the science wrong, and it may come back to bite you on the hindquarters. So be careful out there, would-be prophets and messiahs--building your own religion is not the cake walk you might suppose. By the way, Littermates, all of the foregoing was revealed unto me by Saint Dexeter himself that time I was dreaming I was in Boise. ‘Member?]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/386092 Tue, 6 Nov 2007 15:06:34 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/386092 Actually, I like to stay out in front as much as possible, ahead of the curve, as it were. I just t ... awful things, sometimes--stuck in your head, and hearing lyrics all wrong. The bipeds were discussing the first of these over breakfast this morning, and demonstrating the second. Biped: You know that horrible song from the mid 60s, "I will follow him"? Bipedess: Yeah. Little Peggy March, 1963. What about it? Biped: The one that goes... Bipedess: I know how it goes. What about it? Biped: Well, I've had it stuck in my head off and on for two or three days: Wherever heeeeeeEEEEE may go... Bipedess: Stop! Just stop. Just don't even start, OK? Biped: Sure. OK. Well, anyway, the only way I can get it out of my head is to swap in something I find marginally less awful. For a while, at least. Bipedess: [sighs] Like? Biped: Like "Mexicali Blues" by the Grateful Dead. Bipedess: Don't know it. Don't want to know it. Biped: But some of the lyrics just don't make any sense. Bipedess: [sighs] Like? Biped: Well, like Cherish worthy thoughts, Keep a tight grip on your boots, 'Cause thinkin' and drinkin' are all I have today. What in the world does keeping a tight grip on your boots have to do with anything? Bipedess: [sighs] I've got to go to work. If I come up with anything, I'll be sure to stop whatever I'm doing and give you a call. Biped: OK. Thanks. See ya. Can you believe it, Littermates? What a bozo! All he had to do was Google it to discover that the line is really: Cherish well your thoughts, Keep a tight grip on your booze, 'Cause thinkin' and drinkin' are all I have today. It's an OK song, if you pay attention. But the Grateful Dead were no Little Peggy March. Not even before Jerry went up on the roof.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/385959 Tue, 6 Nov 2007 08:05:19 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/385959 or O, brave new world or Upon further review... The biped's chess buddy, Felix, had his ... O, brave new world or Upon further review... The biped's chess buddy, Felix, had his prostate removed Friday at Stanford Medical Center (Go, Cardinal!). The actual surgery was performed by a medical robot. The surgeon directing the surgery was across the room with his head under the hood and his hands on the controls of what sounds very like an NFL instant replay booth. Whether or not John Madden was commentatering, I do not know. Now here's a guy who, if his prostate was removed, he wouldn't... he wouldn't... he wouldn't have a prostate anymore after that.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/385706 Mon, 5 Nov 2007 15:37:10 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/385706 One week from today, I shall turn four. They think that I am unaware of my birthdays. But I am. N ... unaware, I mean. I can feel middle age sneaking up on me as well as the next dog. For now, however, at least, I just don't much seem to care, though. The dog had frolicked deep into his threes and, to his evident delight, continued to frolic, all unconcerned. I will tell you this, though, Littermates: If I get an arfing Oreck for my birthday, somebody is going to be checking into Dr. Dexter's vacuum assisted colonoscopy clinic. That's all I'm sayin'.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/385114 Sun, 4 Nov 2007 08:20:27 PST Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/385114 Without ever having consciously set out to do so, I have, I recently realized, observed in my diary ... The Book of Frisbee). And that is, when I tell you a story that could plausibly and without a lot of divine intervention or other tomfoolery be more or less true, then it probably is. More or less true. (Though I, like the ancient Hebrews, probably come out a little bit better in the telling than would be the case if there’d been a literate objective observer on the job.) It is only when I tell you a monstrous and obvious lie that I am blowing a lot of smoke up your vent. And you don’t mind, because you know that's what's happening. But yesterday, in my eagerness not to let the truth get in the way of a good story, I broke that convention, I'm afraid. Reader comment leads me to believe that most of you (well, many of you (well, at least two of you)) believe that the biped actually bought the bipedess a diamond necklace, and that he draped said necklace across her lovely neck as she slept, thereby setting in motion a bit of comic confusion revolving around perceptions of infidelity. None of that actually happened. The biped did not buy the bipedess a diamond necklace for her birthday. Here is what he actually bought her: a waterproof mp3 player that she specifically asked for, three rose bushes that she specifically asked for (he did personally pick out the colors, though), and a portable Oreck vacuum cleaner that she strongly hinted would be helpful in vacuuming the stairs (unless she was hinting that he might like to vacuum the stairs, which would require some serious divine intervention and other tomfoolery). So, what really happened, of course, is that, when the bipedess awoke to discover an Oreck vacuum cleaner entangled in the sheets, she immediately leaped to the conclusion that the biped had been having it on with a (probably undocumented) cleaning lady. That is the simple unvarnished truth of the matter. Would I lie to you?]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/384806 Sat, 3 Nov 2007 11:30:35 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/384806 But first: The biped is reading an odd little novel, the author and title of which I will not bor ... I am nobody!), but nobody else is home right now. So this is your lucky day, Littermates: The woman had wandered deep into her forties and, to her evident panic, could not make her way back. Yeah, Boss, that’s good stuff. Now, back to our regularly scheduled program: As you will know, if you have been paying any attention at all, I am a free-market, capitalist-pig sort of dog. And, as such, I do not object in principle to advertising. I do, however, have enough common sense to take it with a pretty substantial bag of salt. The biped, on the other hand, is sometimes a bit too... impressionable, shall we say? I think I mentioned that the bipedess recently came home from a brief trip to Taiwan on her very birthday and that the biped was suffering some indecision as to what to get her? Well, unfortunately, he had seen that commercial where the guy gets up very early in the morning, takes the diamond necklace he has bought for her out of hiding, and drapes it across his sleeping wife's neck. The idea being, I think, that she will wake up, be surprised by the lovely gift, and immediately thereafter be overwhelmed by a desire to get hubby back to bed right away. The biped thought that seemed like a pretty good idea. Only the bipedess, being somewhat jet lagged, didn't wake up on cue. So the biped wandered off into the kitchen to fix her a nice breakfast. Apparently, the bipedess rolled over two or three times before she finally did wake up to discover an expensive piece of woman's jewelry that clearly wasn't hers shoved under the biped's pillow. Well, if it was surprise he was looking for, he got it. Beyond that, however, reality deviated rather sharply from the script, I'm afraid. So please, Littermates, by all means, buy the sponsors' products. It is the least you can do to repay them for all the swell TV they have brought you over the years. But do not hide the sponsors' products in your mate's bed. Particularly not if she's been out of town for a few days.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/384364 Fri, 2 Nov 2007 09:10:27 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/384364 Let us suppose, Littermates, that I want--nay demand--a cooler sidecar rig than the one I've got. T ... demand--a cooler sidecar rig than the one I've got. The rig I demand costs, let us say, 20,000 Greenies. Question: Is my demand for the new sidecar rig an effective demand, in the economic sense? Well, that depends on how many Greenies I actually have. Sadly, I am tapped out. So I am unable to contribute to the effective demand for 20,000 Greenie sidecar rigs. If, in fact, there are very few dogs able or willing to spend 20,000 Greenies on cool sidecar rigs, one of two things will happen: 1) The price of such sidecar rigs will fall, or 2) if the cost of production does not leave room for a price reduction, manufacturers of cool sidecar rigs will either switch production to something they can actually sell or go out of business altogether. But surely you can see, Littermates, how unfair it is that, just because I can't afford a thing, I can't have it. It's just not right! Surely, Littermates, you would all be willing to pool your Greenies so that those of us who want... I mean, demand... I mean--let's cut to the chase--need cooler sidecar rigs can have them. Right? I can think of at least two swell ways to do the pooling. Those of us who are red-blooded American dogs can make our employers buy our sidecar rigs, in which case, we are pooling our Greenies as consumers--everything we buy will cost more, but that's a small price to pay to keep me happy, right? Or, for the Canadians among us, we can pool our Greenies as tax payers and make the government buy our sidecar rigs for us. Either way works just fine. The only downside I can see--and it's trifling, really--is that everydog in his right mind needs the best sidecar rig that Greenies can buy--possibly two or three of the best sidecar rigs Greenies can buy--if somebody else is paying for them. And that creates an essentially infinite demand for sidecar rigs. Which might work out just fine, if there were a way to create an essentially infinite supply of sidecar rigs. But there isn't. And if you have an infinite demand chasing a finite supply, you get 1) skyrocketing prices (US model), 2) scarcity (Canadian model), or 3) both (don't worry--we'll get there). Reality is just so gosh darn unfair!]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/383910 Thu, 1 Nov 2007 09:00:46 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/383910 Well, it's not summer. And I'm not an English setter. Apart from those little quibbles, however, t ... English Setter Morning 6-4-03 It's another English setter summer morning: Cool and grey and quiet. The kitchen reminds me of my grandmother's kitchen forty years ago. It's the smell, of course, that evokes the image. Not the smell of bacon and eggs cooking--they're not--or fresh coffee percolating--it isn't--or blueberry muffins in the oven--no such luck, then or now. It's the smell of a slightly damp English setter snoring in the corner. I'm not an expert on literary exposition, by any stretch of the imagination. But, unless I am very wide of the mark, I think the author is saying that poor old Bill stank. And, by extension, that... Hey! Wait just a minute here!]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/383523 Wed, 31 Oct 2007 11:42:37 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/383523 It was a dark and foggy morning... You have probably noticed, Littermates, that your own bipeds a ... It was a dark and foggy morning... You have probably noticed, Littermates, that your own bipeds are forever putting on clothes and taking off clothes and changing clothes, as if they are less than satisfied with the skins that Dog gave them (and why wouldn't they be, with such pathetically skimpy fur?). Silly, really, but we've all seen it hundreds of times and generally take no notice. But the biped did something truly bizarre and alarming this morning. First of all, he put on a shirt I'd never seen before. But that's not all that strange--heck, he must own upwards of six or eight of them. But then he produced from the closet a menacing looking length of silk cloth and tied a noose around his own neck with it!!! I mean, I knew he'd become pretty irritated with the miserable, incompetent, stupid, alingual bastards at Dish Network, but I didn't think he was going to get all suicidal on me! I realized that I would never be able to talk him out of it on my own, so I dashed into the kitchen to fetch the bipedess--maybe she could talk some sense into him. Well, she wasn't all that amused about having the sleeve of her bathrobe tugged from one end of the house to the other, but once we reached the bedroom, and she fully grasped the gravity of the situation... ...she burst out laughing! He's not planning on hanging himself, Dexter, he's just decided to have a go at looking dapper, for a change! Well, if that's not spooky, I don't know what the arf is!]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/383094 Tue, 30 Oct 2007 10:04:13 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/383094 As even the most incurious of dogs will no doubt know, the cosmic microwave background radiation is ... how early, exactly, you may well ax. Well the biped was reading me something last night out of the Science and Technology section of this week’s Economist--the same fine magazine, by the way, that informed us that the flea had a penis. It said that the cosmic microwave background radiation dates from when the universe was about 300,000 years old. But what the arf can that possibly mean? Obviously, time at the time could not have been measured by the orbit of this or any other planet around our or any other sun—there weren't any. And, before you accuse me of being sophomoric, yes, I know that there are other ways of measuring time. Like, say, atomic clocks. Which work on the principal, I believe, that certain radioactive elements decay at very predictable rates. But, wait a minute--elements are matter, right? And if matter had not yet condensed out of energy, there weren’t any elements to decay, right? So, in what sense can the passage of time in the early universe be measured or equated with any concept of time we currently hold? It's enough to give an inquisitive dog with too much time on his paws a headache. Time to take a nap.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/382722 Mon, 29 Oct 2007 11:46:37 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/382722 Graham and Julie Meyer, the mad Australian Uralists (and they didn't even go to medical school!), h ... TriQuest Motorcycles, who mentioned it as an aside in an email about exhaust systems. Apparently, Ski has just returned from a Ural dealers meeting up in Washington, where he had dinner with Graham and Julie before they departed the continent. If he knew why they had to go back to Australia, he did not say. If we ever get the details, we'll let you know. Clearly, Australians--at least those who haven't hit anybody with a telephone recently--are entitled to go back to Australia any time they want. But I must say, their departure puts a little bit of a crimp in my oatmeal. The biped and I were planning on picking their brains in person about the dos and don'ts of Ural touring, maybe getting some names and phone numbers of kind strangers upon whom we might rely in a pinch. If we have to trust that sort of networking to the biped's meager social skills, we may be in deep trouble. I just wish people would think about the potential effects of their actions on me before they up and do these things. I mean, if you can't trust a couple of crazy Australians Uralists to be there for you, who can you trust?]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/382229 Sun, 28 Oct 2007 09:33:57 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/382229 The junior bipup turned 161 yesterday. As it happened, it was his first day of work at his new job ... her job. So about the best he could do in the way of celebration was to be taken out to dinner by the biped and the senior bipup at a local brew pub (the bipedess is still in the splitist renegade province of Taiwan). The biped, in honor of the occasion, drank two beers--his first two beers in the last seven months. He asked the junior bipup to drive home. Hilarious! He's going to have a great time in Mexico in December. I'm sure of it. Meanwhile, I was left to contemplate the errors of my ways in the back yard. And after much contemplation, I'm pretty sure that my ways are entirely error free. If you don't count that time... well... nevermind. The bipedess is due home tomorrow, I'm told. Which, as it happens, is her birthday. Though I am not at liberty to say which one. In any case, I'm sure I wish her many happy returns--I was beginning to get tired of doing the dishes all by myself.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/381853 Sat, 27 Oct 2007 10:26:35 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/381853 No, it's not raining, it's just awfully darn dark in the mornings. Daylight Savings time always see ... raining, it's just awfully darn dark in the mornings. Daylight Savings time always seems like a swell idea in the spring, but it starts to get pretty old by late October. This morning, we didn't leave here for Garland Park until ten minutes to seven, by the clock. But it was still almost pitch black dark. And the woods were still distinctly twilit when we got to Garland Park at ten after seven. I found myself hoping that the mountain lions carried watches. If they were judging by the sun (or absence thereof), they might not have known that it was past time for them to be tucked snugly into bed for the day. Not that I'm afraid of mountain lions, mind you. But they worry the biped. And he is, after all, my cross to bear. (Happily, there are no bears at Garland Park—you do not want to cross a bear!) As it turns out, though, no one got eaten. Not so's you'd notice, anyway. The biped is steaming up the hills at such a pace these days, that I sometimes find it hard to get far enough ahead of him to have a good roll in the odd pile of horse manure before he is right on top of me bellowing Dexter, OFF! I mean, what's a dog got to do to get a little privacy in the woods these days? I'll bet nobody yells at the Pope when he's in the woods taking care of business. Be all that as it might, we had a very pleasant hike, sandwiched between two good motorcycle rides. So it's already been a pretty good day.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/381475 Fri, 26 Oct 2007 11:28:42 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/381475 Everything is back to normal in my little corner of the world. Leaves and litter are once again blo ... Mike Lowell. Manny Ramirez I could do without, though. I could have sworn that our Gubernator offed him in the first Predator movie. I'm a National League, Western Division, sort of dog at heart, but I've got to say the poor Rockies are looking a little out classed. Damn! I can tell from the dim glint in the biped's eye that he has just remembered that I'm due for my monthly dose of Advantix today. Gotta run!]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/381002 Thu, 25 Oct 2007 08:40:46 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/381002 I'm a reasonable, laid back, easy going sort of dog. Everybody says so, especially me. I'm not ven ... love hikes. Hell, if the bipeds wanted to spring for an underwater treadmill, I'd probably learn to like that. But I do insist on getting my daily exercise. And yesterday, I did not (unless you call running back and forth across the front yard a few hundred times between naps exercise). I will 'splain it on you, Littermates: Yesterday morning, the bipedess flew off to the splitist renegade province of Taiwan (please don't poison my dog food!) (I am told, by the way, that it's a lot like Hawaii, except for the concertina and land mines on the beaches.) So, anyway, she was not available to do any picking of anybody up. And the senior bipup was needing to be picked up, as he was arriving later at one of Greater Metropolitan Spreckels' many international aeropuertos--in this case, the one in San Jose. So it was up to the biped to do the picking up. The bipup was originally scheduled to arrive in San Jose at about 9:30 last night. Which would have worked out fine. For me, I mean. The biped could have walked me early in the evening, had dinner, and then headed off for San Jose in a leisurely and well organized manner. But the bipup called during the lunch hour with the good news that he had got on an earlier flight and would be in San Jose at 6:30. Which had the effect of throwing a spanner into the proverbial ointment, if you will. To get to San Jose by 6:30, the biped reasoned--and I use the term loosely--he would have to leave Beautiful Downtown Spreckels no later than 4:30, what with rush hour and all. He was done with getting out the day's orders by a little after 3:00. He could have walked me then, but he decided it was too hot for me. And, if I am to be frank with you, Littermates, it was. But that is hardly my fault, now is it? It is not up to me to control the weather or prioritize the picking up of stray littermates. All I know is I'm supposed to get exercised. Every day. And I dint. So, as I say, ibn scrod!]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/380031 Tue, 23 Oct 2007 09:20:42 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/380031 ...nor blood in the river. Yet. Still, we are expecting bacon in the tree tops momentarily, the ... often on fire, of course, but this is beginning to sound a bit Biblical: 300,000 people evacuated in San Diego County alone. I have never been to San Diego County, myself, but I'm pretty sure I'd rather it didn’t burn down. I mean, what would we do with all the refugees? I suspect terriorists, myself. More than likely, there is a Finknottle in the brush heap somewhere. Or one of her many minions. This whole situation calls for some seriously reflective napping. I'll get back to you.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/379729 Mon, 22 Oct 2007 15:40:53 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/379729 My good friend, Tavar has presented me with a tiny black cat and instructed me to chase it. (No, sh ... Tavar has presented me with a tiny black cat and instructed me to chase it. (No, she did not say, "You know what you can do with this cat, don't you?") Like many of you, Littermates, I am not a great fan of cats. But neither do I wish (most of) them any real harm. If I'm loose, and they run, I will chase them. But only because I am eager to introduce myself. If they just stand still, I will either 1) give them a thorough sniffing, if they are on my turf, or 2) ignore them, if they are, say, lying on a public sidewalk. When I am out walking with the biped on leash, we often encounter neighborhood cats. Most of them dash off when they see me. I usually make a little reflexive lunge in their direction, but it is entirely pro forma--the biped has no trouble whatever getting my attention off the cat and back to our walk. One cat we have encountered several times likes to lie in the middle of the sidewalk. The first time we approached him, he was facing in the opposite direction and did not see us right away. The biped was afraid that he wouldn't see us until the very last moment, and that some unpleasantness of one sort or another would then ensue. When we were still a good 20 or 30 feet away, however, the cat suddenly leapt to his feet, turned around to face us, and then... lay right back down, but facing in our direction now. He then stayed right where he was as we walked past him. I actually stepped over him, if I recall correctly. Well, that was a little odd the first time, but we've seen him several times since and have got used to his nonchalant behavior. But last week, I had an even more unsettling experience. It started out just the same way, with a cat lying on the sidewalk facing away from us. And, once again, when we got close, the cat leapt to his feet. But this cat not only did not run away, he walked right up to me and started rubbing himself against my legs. And purring! I mean, I don't mind if one cat in town wants to put on a little show of not being afraid of me; I am secure enough in my brutish good looks to withstand that. But now this cat is trying to make it look like we're fast friends! Intolerable! But what was I gonna do? I mean, it would hardly be regarded as sporting to nip the head off a cat who wasn't even trying to get away, now would it? So I just stood there looking confused until the biped stopped laughing and we walked on. PS: I don't think it's quite 140 out, but it's definitely hot.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/379596 Mon, 22 Oct 2007 11:42:08 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/379596 The wind is howling out of the east this morning, a thing unheard of in Greater Metropolitan Sprecke ... east this morning, a thing unheard of in Greater Metropolitan Spreckels. I mean, every once in a while, we have a mild breeze out of the east very early in the morning. Such a breeze almost always portends a warm and pleasant day. But I don't know what to make of this easterly gale. Extrapolating from experience, I would have to suppose that the temperature will get up into the 140s this afternoon. But that doesn't seem entirely plausible. Leaves and litter are blowing down the street in the wrong direction. It looks like someone is running a video of a typical Spreckels afternoon backwards. What's next? Will it rain frogs? Will the Salinas River run red with blood? Will pigs fly? Will the biped really be so idiotic as to buy the bipedess a new vacuum cleaner for her birthday? There's just no telling, with this kind of weather. But I rest secure in the knowledge that, whatever catastrophe befalls us--and, believe me, one will--Al Gore will have predicted it well in advance and will therefore have deserved a prize of some sort. There are some fixed stars in the firmament, thank Dog.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/378964 Sun, 21 Oct 2007 08:40:57 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/378964 ...the next time you're feeling all agitated and frisky in the middle of the night: Tap dancing a ... Fred?]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/378565 Sat, 20 Oct 2007 10:31:34 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/378565 I have always said--and I believe Mulligan can bear me out on this--the x chromosome is a very fine ... Mulligan can bear me out on this--the x chromosome is a very fine chromosome. In moderation. It is only when a single individual is--through no fault of her own--afflicted with two of them that problems may tend to arise. And even then, the situation may not be as bleak as is sometimes feared. To take a random case in point: I believe I may have mentioned to you before the curious incuriousity of the general run of bipedal females--hereinafter referred to as women--about DexCorp 1. Whereas male bipeds--hereinafter referred to as men--come up to us in parking lots and ask all sorts of questions that display an appropriate and intelligent interest in matters motorcyclical... Is that a BMW? How old is it? It's a what? Where do they make them? Where did you buy it? The Russians still make sidecar rigs? ...women generally seem to have no interest at all. A few even display something akin to actual aversion (though whether that is to DexCorp 1 or to the biped, it is difficult to say). On the other hand, I would have to admit that men's interest in the central character of all the adventures chronicled herein is sometimes barely polite: Your dog rides in the sidecar, huh? Cool. Hey, arfhole! I'm sitting right here. You could pretend you're impressed! So, anyway, this morning, we took DexCorp 1 over to Garland Park for our Saturday morning hike. We had a very nice hike, and when we got back to DexCorp 1, we were positively accosted by a couple of beaming women who wanted to know all about... moi! Does your dog ride in the side thingy? Oh, that's so precious! Does he like it? Has he been riding in there since he was a puppy? He's so cute! Does he have a helmet? Does he have goggles? He's such a happy dog! Well, OK, then. B'bye, Sweetie! Gee, that's a pretty bike, too. Thanks, I wanted to reply, It's mine, you know. But, as quickly as they had descended upon us, they had flitted off. You've just got to like women. You've got to, I tell you.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/378101 Fri, 19 Oct 2007 09:03:52 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/378101 Nothing, that's what. The bipeds went out after dinner last night to buy the biped a new suit and ... old (ugh) those suits had, in the last six months, gone from being awfully damn tight to being way too loose. So, clearly, a new suit was required. He had at first intended to go to a local haberdashery, Dick Bruhn's, but discovered, when he got there, that, after 57 years in business, they had gone out of business in May. Back to the old drawing board. He was sure there was a Men's Warehouse at the mall in north Salinas and a Patrick James, Purveyor to Gentlemen, in Carmel. The question was did he want to go to a warehouse or to somebody who sounded suspiciously like a pimp? Well, it turned out the question really was did he want to drive to Monterey or to Soquel? Because neither of those stores was still where it had been the last time he looked, either. Since he wasn't sure he really wanted to be purveyed to (or even that he qualified as a gentleman, for that matter), he decided to go with the Men's Warehouse in Monterey. An obscene amount of money later, he is the proud owner of a new grey pin-stripe suit, three dress shirts, three silk ties, a new belt, a pair of dress shoes (suitable for waltzing), three pairs of grey dress socks, and, oh yeah, a casual jacket they sold him just to prove that they could. And I am the proud new owner of... zip! We'll just see what the cuffs of those suit pants get filled up with the first time he wears them in my presence. Presents? Did somebody say presents…]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/377822 Thu, 18 Oct 2007 17:22:41 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/377822 The newspaper was wrong, of course. Not 100% wrong, I guess--the sky did get a little hazy this aft ... was wrong, of course. Not 100% wrong, I guess--the sky did get a little hazy this afternoon. But it was nice and warm and relatively wind free. The biped and I went for a short ride in DexCorp 1. Just to the Toro Park 7-11 to get gas--a round trip of about eight miles. It was our first outing with me actually under the tonneau cover--remember that this is the custom tonneau the biped had made that leaves the step-through open for me to stick my head out. I'll show you a photograph of it in place one of these days. Anyway, the biped wanted to try it out on a short ride the first time to see how I'd react. I liked it just fine. Nice and cozy and private. It definitely turns me into a stealth motorcyclist, though--you have to really be looking to see a black dog sticking his black head out the side of a black sidecar. Especially when the tonnea cover, by its very nature, suggests that there is no one in said sidecar. Hmmmm. I think I'm beginning to see all kinds of opportunities for fun and mischief in this.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/377578 Thu, 18 Oct 2007 09:53:24 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/377578 Today has dawned clear and calm and quite cold. The newspaper says (I am told) that it will cloud u ... Housekeeping Item: The biped wishes me to say on his behalf that, just because he understands a joke, and even finds it funny, does not necessarily mean that he subscribes to the premise of said joke. Your guess is as good as mine. Probably better.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/377154 Wed, 17 Oct 2007 12:05:39 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/377154 We are having unsettled weather here in Beautiful Downtown Spreckels. There are apparently some gen ... finally gets around to taking you for a walk. Satellite TV guys were supposed to be paying us a visit yesterday afternoon. And they were quite specific about the time too: between noon and 5:00 PM. So, of course, the biped made quite sure that he was home for that entire time. And, of course, they never arfing showed up. So, at 5:01 PM, the biped gave Dish Network a little call. Thirty-one minutes later, at 5:32 PM, he was disconnected for the second time, after a solid 15 minutes of some of the most brutal piano hold music you could ever hope to inflict upon your worst enemy. So, anyway, that's when he came out to walk me. It had just started to drizzle a bit--nothing you'd even notice if you weren't fairly bald. Which, as it happens, one of us is. How many times do I have to tell you, Dexter, I am not bald. I just like to keep my hair cut short. Right, Boss. Sorry, I forgot. As I was saying, we headed out on our walk, despite the drizzle. A quarter of a mile later, the drizzle turned to a light rain--inconvenient, maybe, but certainly not walk terminating. In another quarter mile--when we were at our most distant from the gated family compound--the light rain had turned to just plain rain. But at that point, there was clearly no point in turning back. By the time we finished our first lap around town, the biped and I were already pretty thoroughly soaked. So, if you’re already wet, one of us--who is not bald--reasoned, why not go ahead and finish your walk? The answer to that question dropped out of the sky in buckets about a quarter mile later. So, now, we're absolutely soaked to the skin, so wet we can get no wetter. And, that being the case, we pressed on to the bitter end. Which was made somewhat less bitter by the fact that the biped built the first fire of the season when we got home. The shoes he was wearing yesterday evening are still sitting on the hearth, in fact.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/376686 Tue, 16 Oct 2007 13:07:10 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/376686 Last night, the biped's evil, dog swatting lawyer friend Peter came over to play go. This happens e ... Peter: Did you hear what happened to Al Gore's Nobel prize? Biped: No. What? Peter: The Supreme Court awarded it to George Bush. Biped: Ha, ha, ha! Peter: You're the third person I've told that to, and you're the first one who's got it. Biped: Really? Seems like you'd have to be pretty dense* not to get that. Peter: [his wife's name] didn't get it. Biped: Oh. Good one, Boss! I understand he's got a couple of daughters. Maybe you could insult them, too. In for a penny, in for a Looney, I always say. *Or possibly very young, or unaccountably foreign.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/375939 Sun, 14 Oct 2007 20:02:37 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/375939 The 2008 DexCorp Pup Pals Tour may be coming on DexCorp 1 to a town or city in the middle of nowhere ... The 2008 DexCorp Pup Pals Tour may be coming on DexCorp 1 to a town or city in the middle of nowhere near you! If everything goes to plan--and what are the chances?--the biped and I plan to do some touring in DexCorp 1 next summer. The route that we are currently proposing to take is shown on the US map above that you can't actually read. Before going into the route in any detail, I would just like to say that it is time constraints, rather than any lack of enthusiasm, that will likely prevent us from getting any farther east or south than Lexington, Kentucky (if you leave aside the fact that Santa Barbara, California is actually somewhat south of Lexington, that is). I have a lot of pup pals I'd love to see in New Mexico, Texas, Ohio, Tennessee, Virginia, Maryland, Pennsylvania, New York, Massachusetts, and Vermont, to name but a few of the states it doesn't look like we will be visiting. And I, personally, would be up for it, too. But the biped apparently has to be back in his rolling desk chair before the start of August, August and September evidently being his busiest months. So our schedule calls for a trip starting on June 15 and ending on or about July 22. Now then, as to where we will be going (Ural willing): On the map above--the one that you can't actually read--find Beautiful Downtown Spreckels (it's the upper of the two pins that appear to be right on the coast of California). Proceeding counter- (or anti-) clockwise from there, the labeled destinations are: Santa Barbara, California; Lincoln, Nebraska; Lexington, Kentucky; Macomb, Illinois, Paullina, Iowa; Minneapolis, Minnesota; Pelican Lake, Manitoba, Canada; Billings, Montana; Hood River, Oregon; Salem, Oregon; Cottage Grove, Oregon; Martinez, California; and thence, back to Spreckels. These labeled destinations are places where--as the bipedess has so delicately put it--we have lined up people to sponge off of. The sight hounds among you will probably have noticed that it is quite a long way from Santa Barbara, California to Lincoln, Nebraska--a long sponge-free (but not unsponge-worthy) way. If any of my readers happen to live along the way and would like to lend a paw... well, we are not above relying on the kindness of strangers. Some of the cities and towns of particular interest to us, because of their one-day's-ride-from-each-other distribution, are: Twenty-nine Palms, California; Prescott, Arizona; Kayenta, Arizona, Monte Vista, Colorado; Kit Carson, Colorado; and Phillipsburg, Kansas. There are smaller gaps between Lincoln and Lexington (Macon, Missouri; Centralia, Illinois), Pellican Lake and Billings (Crosby, North Dakota; Circle, Montana), Billings and Hood River (Lincoln, Montana; Lewiston, Idaho), and Cottage Grove and Martinez (Tule Lake, California; Red Bluff, California). Well, Littermates, I believe that is all the news that's fit to print at the moment. I'll keep you posted as plans develop and change.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/375689 Sun, 14 Oct 2007 10:37:28 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/375689 I'm pretty sure I could pull a better fashion shoot out of my vent. But then, I do have a particula ... do have a particularly fashionable vent. (Rottweilers will try to tell you they popularized it, but, I'm telling you, it's got Gordon Setter written all over it.) So, anyway, at some point in the fairly distant past, I believe I promised you pix of the biped in his snazzy new Rocketeer-style leather jacket. He wanted to wait until he had the new seat covers for the tractor seats, too. Well those arrived on Friday, and he put them on yesterday, so there was really no further excuse, alas, to put the thing off any longer. Pictures 2 through 6 on my page (at least if you are reading this within the next few days) now feature the biped's jacket and new motorcycle upholstery. I have been demoted to the status of mere fashion accessory. That's me: Dexter Nova Bright Star, purse dog. I'll get him for this. Don't think I won't.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/375003 Fri, 12 Oct 2007 16:15:03 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/375003 It's official: I've been lost. That is, the biped has lost me. That is, he has lost an amount of ... maybe. Definitely not charming.) Good riddance, I say. Maybe there's a book deal in this somewhere: DexCorp's Miracle Lose-Your-Dog Diet. For a suitable advance, I'd be happy to write a little something up. Dexter's Lose-Your-Dog Diet tip of the day: Stay away from Fuji apples--they are way too good to count as just another serving of fruit.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/374807 Fri, 12 Oct 2007 07:16:56 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/374807 Hello, Miss. What is your name? My name is Mike. My name is Mike. Where is the bathroom? Happy ... Hello, Miss. What is your name? My name is Mike. My name is Mike. Where is the bathroom? Happy birthday. What time is it? What time IS it? I like the library. I live in the red house. I have two bicycles. Many thanks, and you're welcome. How old are you? One moment, please. It's the one semester of Spanish Spanish love song. My mother is pretty. My cat is very white. Excuse me. ExCUSE me! One, two, three, and four. Five, six, seven, and eight. Nine, ten... No remembro how to say eleven. Antonio Banderas Big nachos and cinnamon twists. It's the one semester of Spanish Spanish love song. Au revoir. And they say romance is dead!]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/374648 Thu, 11 Oct 2007 17:15:46 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/374648 This morning was a spectacularly fine morning here in Beautiful Downtown Spreckels. The air was cle ... hockey; hooky!" "Right. Well, as soon as I get back from the post office, I'm your huckleberry." "Do you want to go for a hike?" she said. "Sure," he said, "Shall we take Dexter over to Garland Park?" And so it was decided that I would get a rare Thursday afternoon hike. There was a nice cooling breeze blowing when we got to Garland Park, so I did not overheat at all. I think the breeze kept the bugs down, too, which is always nice. Up at the Mesa pond, we met two bipedesses walking three--count 'em, three--dogs. One was a 13-year-old Lab/Border Collie mix bitch. One was 4-year-old Lab/Chow mix neutered male. And the third was a 2-year-old part wolf, part Husky, part Dog-only-knows-what mix bitch who looked a lot like a coyote to me. I got on famously with all of them. The 13-year-old--I just can't resist older females--did get a little testy at one point. Until I assured her that my intentions (if not my attentions) were entirely honorable. At that point, of course, she sort of lost interest, and they all left. By the time we got back to the car, some weather of some sort seemed to be sneaking in off the Pacific--rain is predicted for tomorrow--so our timing seems to have been impeccable. It's not a bad life. Not a bad life at all.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/374540 Thu, 11 Oct 2007 11:47:03 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/374540 So the biped has been trying to bone up on his Spanish in preparation for the senior bipup's upcomin ... The One Semester of Spanish Spanish Love Song He thought that a thorough familiarity with these lyrics might come in particularly handy in case he does decide to try to elope with the Maid of Honor. For those of you who have never had one semester of Spanish (and who have trouble interpreting pictures), tomorrow I will publish the biped's translation of the lyrics into Engerish (it will take him that long to research some of the vocabulary, I think).]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/374231 Wed, 10 Oct 2007 15:39:51 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/374231 I may, from time to time, have given you the impression, Littermates, that the biped's behavior can ... eccentric, shall we say? And so it can be, too. But last night I observed a worrying new behavior that I had never seen before. (Though, now that I think on it, the bipedess does do something somewhat similar, from time to time.) I just happened to wander into the TV room, and what should I see but the biped, lying on his back on the floor, with his knees bent, and his toes under the couch. I didn't know what was wrong with him, but clearly something was. Just as I was rushing over to administer mouth-to-mouth, he suddenly sat bolt upright! I was both physically brushed aside--rather rudely, I thought--and psychologically taken aback. At least he seemed to have recovered from whatever had had him laid out on his back--that was a good thing, I supposed. But before my relief could even quite register, he flopped back down again as if pole axed! And, no sooner did I get my head positioned directly over his, so as to make an accurate observation of his symptoms, than he sat back up again, smacking me right in the jaw with his enormous stop! (I believe the bipeds refer to it as a four-head, but it by golly looks like a stop to me.) Damn it, Dexter! Can't you see I'm trying to do sit-ups, here? Well, I could see he was sitting up, all right. Sitting up wasn't the problem. The problem was he kept on falling right back down again. The overall effect was very like the spasmodic movements of a dead frog hooked to an electrode in a high-school biology class. At least, that is the best analogy that comes to my mind at the moment. I dashed into the kitchen to alert the bipedess. She seemed utterly unconcerned. Whether because she's known him long enough for this sort of thing to seem unremarkable to her, or because she's known him long enough not to give a spit, I could not tell you. I rushed back into the TV room to check on the biped. Whap! Up he pops and hits me in the jaw again. Holly! Will you get this dog out of here, please? Well, I guess I know when I'm not wanted... But then I turned back, just to make sure that... Whap! Holly!]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/373890 Tue, 9 Oct 2007 17:00:34 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/373890 I may never live this one down. Yesterday afternoon, at around 3:30 or so, the biped decided it w ... his pace. His plan, apparently, was that we should do our more or less regular seven-lap, 2.1 mile jog around the park. Well, by the end of five laps, I had had it. Even my magnificent tongue, extended very nearly to the ground, did not supply sufficient evaporative cooling to keep me firing on all cylinders. I put on the brakes when we were right across the street from the gated family compound. Ill-mannered and obtuse though he may be, the biped ist nicht ein monster--he lead me across the street and into the yard for a nice drink and a lie-down. Then he did the remaining two laps by himself. I would have been chagrined enough, even without witnesses. But, alas, the event was not without witnesses. I heard a neighbor woman in the park call out to him, "Hey, Jim! You lost your dog!" To which he replied, "Yeah huff he huff crapped out huff on me. huff Too hot huff for him huff I guess!" Crapped out, indeed! And the hell of it is... It’s true!]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/373409 Mon, 8 Oct 2007 13:57:01 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/373409 ...enigmatic on the outside, dark on the inside, and heavy all over. I was napping in the sun on ... ...enigmatic on the outside, dark on the inside, and heavy all over. I was napping in the sun on the living room floor a few minutes ago. The biped was back at the very back of his office putting together a largish order for a bookstore. Presently, I heard him walking toward the front of the house. I could tell by the sound of his foot falls that he was carrying a packing carton weighing 35 or 40 lbs. And I remembered that his back was still just a bit out of whack from changing DexCorp 1’s rear wheel Saturday morning. So, naturally, I wondered if he might need some help. I jumped up and ran to intercept him before he had got even five steps toward the front of the house. I stood dutifully in front of him, attentively awaiting orders. Get out of the way, Dexter. Right you are, Boss! I turned around and moved two or three steps in the general direction he had been heading, carefully staying between him and his goal, so as to be in the best position to assist him if necessary. Dexter, will you please get out of my way? This box is heavy. Absolutely, Boss! I didn't really feel that he was making full use of my talents, but mine is generally not to reason why; mine is to interpose myself between the biped and the objective. So I turned around again and moved on down our mutual path toward the front of the house about three feet, before pulling up short to await further instructions. Damn it, Dexter! Will you, for the love of Dog, get the arf out of my way before I drop this arfing box on your pointy arfing little head, you arfing imbecile! Well, there's nothing in my contract that says I have to take that kind of abuse from anybody. So I showed him my vent and slinked sullenly away, making sure to maintain a slow and stately pace consistent with my dignity. See if I every try to help him carry a box again!]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/372976 Sun, 7 Oct 2007 09:41:24 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/372976 Today, Littermates, we will address a motorcycle maintenance issue that we know is near and dear to ... The Preferred Method What you will need: enough remaining tire tread and time to drive your Patrol to your friendly neighborhood Ural mechanic's shop, which is 75 miles away; a (admittedly) moderate and perfectly reasonable amount of money; a ride home; a ride back at an unspecified time next week, maybe Drive your Patrol to your friendly neighborhood Ural mechanic's shop. Ask him to replace the rear tire for you. Take your ride home. Come back some time next week and give your friendly neighborhood Ural mechanic some money in exchange for your Ural, which now, almost magically, it seems, has a brand new tire on the rear wheel. Drive your Patrol home, and you're done. The DIY Method What you will need: a spare tire (supplied); a Ural tool kit (supplied); a mallet or hammer (not supplied); a bottle jack and/or a shovel (not supplied); a 22-year-old Navy submarine nuclear reactor technician home on leave who just happens to have been out drinking with your son and his girlfriend last night and who crashed upstairs at your house (not supplied) Run into the nuclear reactor technician, whom you have never seen before in your life, in your living room early one Saturday morning. Get him to volunteer to help you change the rear tire on your Patrol. Take out the supplied Ural tool kit and remove from it the special one-of-a-kind-you-arfing-well-better-not-lose-it wrench that you will need to remove the spare tire from its mount under the luggage rack. Remove the spare tire. Have the nuclear reactor technician help you get the 750 lb. Patrol up on its center stand. Have the nuclear reactor technician lift the sidecar wheel off the ground so that you can rotate the wheel until the sidecar drive shaft U-joint is no longer blocking your access to the rear-axle retaining nut. Remove the cotter pin from the rear-axle retaining nut. Have the nuclear reactor technician lift the sidecar wheel off the ground again so that you can rotate the wheel until the position of the sidecar drive shaft U-joint is such that you can actually get a wrench on the rear-axle retaining nut. From the Ural tool kit, remove the special one-of-a-kind-you-arfing-well-better-not-lose-it box wrench that you will need to remove the rear-axle retaining nut. (Neither an end wrench nor a socket wrench nor any ordinary box wrench will fit. If you lose the special box wrench, then you'll need to drop the sidecar drive shaft, and believe me, that can get complicated.) Turning the nut approximately 1/32 of a turn at a time, remove the nut and the washer under it. Now it's time to go around to the other side of the motorcycle. Loosen the pinch bolt/nut that clamps the left end of the rear axle in place. This requires two end wrenches, but these are perfectly ordinary metric end wrenches that you can find in any country that is enamored (or is that enamoured?) of the metric system. Now you can remove the rear axle: You will need something--one of the Allen wrenches from the tool kit will do--to stick through the transverse hole in the left end of the axle. Pull the axle out by using the mallet or hammer to tap gently (but firmly and effectively) on the Allen wrench. Set the axle aside (we're pretty sure you will need it later). You could now, in theory, pull the rear wheel off the drive spline. But you can't, really, because it is still resting firmly on the ground, even though the bike is on its center stand. You wouldn't have this problem if you had put a 2 x 4 under the center stand to begin with, but you didn't have one. So now you can either jack the bike up (if you have a suitable jack) and put something under the center stand, or (if you happen to be working on the front lawn) you can dig a hole under the wheel. We opted for digging a hole under the wheel. (Note: This step is best performed while the bipedess, who actually kind of likes the lawn, is in Boston for the weekend.) Now you can pull the rear wheel off the drive spline. Be careful not to knock the brake shoes off. Damn! Put the brake shoes back on (the nuclear reactor technician can probably figure out which way they go). Now simply reverse all of the foregoing steps. (But use the spare! Do not put the old rear wheel back on!) It's as easy as--and only slightly more painful than--falling off a log!]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/372668 Sat, 6 Oct 2007 10:46:49 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/372668 Riding around in DexCorp 1 is way cool. I fully appreciate that. But sometimes there is a fine lin ... how much energy Al Gore uses to heat his swimming pool--we may have to switch to the Forrester for these early morning rides.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/372466 Fri, 5 Oct 2007 17:16:49 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/372466 I would not wish for the world to give you the impression, Littermates, that the biped has ever been ... does like an occasional beer or two, or a glass of wine with dinner, or a gin and tonic (no cheap gin!) of an evening. But these last six months, while he's been dieting, he has hardly imbibed at all--something on the order of one glass of wine per month has been his average, I believe. Just enough, in fact, to make him aware of how cheap a drunk he has become. One glass of wine at under 180 lbs apparently has roughly the kick of maybe three at over 240 lbs. Which is just fine, if you do not go ahead and drink the other two anyway, just on general principal. And he does not. He has started to worry a bit about the senior bipup’s impending wedding, however. It will be held in Hermosillo, Mexico in early December. Toasts will no doubt be drunk. Offense, in fact, will likely be taken if they are not drunk. Tequila and other strong drink is likely to be in evidence. And the biped is afraid that he may not hold his liquor as well as he once would have. He does not think that he is likely to pass out in the wedding cake, or attempt to elope with the Maid of Honor, or anything along those lines. But, even at the best and soberest of moments, he sometimes suffers from a looseness (and sharpness) of tongue not very far removed from Tourettes syndrome. What might he not say in execrable Spanish to his new in-laws? What might he not say in exquisitely lubricated English to his old in-laws, many of whom will be in attendance? Wise beyond my years though I may be, I am ill equipped to advise him in this instance. Though running around in circles and chasing after shadows probably would divert people's attention from whatever outrage he had just uttered. It would be worth a shot, anyway.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/372384 Fri, 5 Oct 2007 12:37:02 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/372384 Lettuce does not taste any better out of a bowl than it does directly off the floor. One wonders wh ... http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/372323 Fri, 5 Oct 2007 08:54:21 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/372323 ...it sounds for thee. The biped proudly announced this morning that he is now only two pounds sh ... me is still here, so I think he must be talking in terms of equivalencies of some sort. To wit, that when he loses two more pounds, he will have lost mass equivalent to my entire mass. Given that I am composed almost entirely of muscle, bone, sinew, and charm, and given that those are not what he has been losing--apart, perhaps from any vestiges of charm he may once have had--I think it is safe to say that he has already lost more than an entire Dexter in volume. It's almost embarrassing to think that I was towing such a slug around town just a few short months ago. It's a good thing we dogs are so non-judgmental, eh?]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/371960 Thu, 4 Oct 2007 08:32:10 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/371960 or You DIY! I am a big do-it-yourselfer. Up to a point. If it's a question of chasing bird s ... You DIY! I am a big do-it-yourselfer. Up to a point. If it's a question of chasing bird shadows or licking my privates, I am all about doing it myself. Other tasks, I prefer to leave to those better able to perform them. The biped's suite of do-it-yourself talents is somewhat different from my own--he wishes he could chase bird shadows like I do!: He builds a mean fence and an acceptable redwood deck (and even half enjoys doing so). In a pinch, he can tile a shower (though he would rather not). He understands the black, white, and green color coding on household wiring and can generally avoid electrocuting anyone if he absolutely, positively has to wire something. But he doesn't work on cars or plumbing or computers. He does not, by any stretch of the imagination, disdain those who do; he's just no good at it and has no interest in becoming good at it. That, in his opinion, is precisely the kind of thing that money and the division of labor were invented to take care of. So, recently, we have had a couple of pieces of equipment go south on us. First of all, the flapper valve on the downstairs toilet began to leak. And then, the wireless network card in the biped's computer began to function erratically, if at all. The biped called a plumber. The plumber came out and replaced the flapper valve. The plumber did not compare himself to a cancer specialist and insist that the biped would have to disconnect the toilet and bring it in to the plumber's shop to have the flapper valve replaced properly. The plumber did not tell the biped that he could fairly easily replace the flapper valve himself, if necessary, with the help of Acme Plumbing Supply's telephone tech support. (And so, the biped did not have to point out that those two proposals would have been completely contradictory.) No. The plumber came out to our house and replaced the arfing flapper valve. And got paid handsomely for doing so. Then the biped called a computer technician…]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/371772 Wed, 3 Oct 2007 18:01:45 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/371772 Here's the thing about all this running--or jogging if you prefer--it may cover the same or more dis ... jogging if you prefer--it may cover the same or more distance as one of our walks, but most of it tends to be just around and around and around the park. Don't get me wrong, the park is nice. The park is lovely. But, after three laps or so, you've pretty much smelled all you’re going to smell. This evening, we went around the arfing thing eight times. Let's see... If each lap is 0.3 miles... then 8 times 0.3 would be approximately... carry the 2... 2.4 miles. Give or take. So, anyway, the biped's rationale is apparently this: He is not averse to jogging somewhere other than around the park, but not until I have unloaded any excess baggage I may happen to be carrying around. He carries a Mutt Mitt with him, but he apparently does not want to be running around town with my leash in one hand and a big swinging bag of [insert name of favorite politician here] in the other. In the park, you're always pretty close to a trash can, so he can stop, clean up after me, dispose of the evidence, and resume the jog. Then, and only then, we may strike out around a few other blocks before we head home. But all of that presupposes that the spirit moves me. Sometimes it does; sometimes it does not. This evening, it did not. Hence the eight laps around the park. Well, like most of the biped's ideas, it is imperfect. It is not slicker than snot on a glass doorknob. But it does beat a poke in the eye with a sharp stick.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/371607 Wed, 3 Oct 2007 10:39:58 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/371607 The bipedess has a yard work/trash hauling guy here this morning cleaning up the yard. He is workin ... Arrested Development. I don't know why Tobias is here in Beautiful Downtown Spreckels pretending to be a yard-waste guy, but he is. I don't see any cameras. I don't see any slutty wife or crazy mother-in-law. But that's Tobias, all right, or my name isn't Dexter Nova Bright Star. This is kind of creeping me out. I mean, Tobias is not as creepy as a tape worm, I guess. But he's plenty creepy enough.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/371258 Tue, 2 Oct 2007 13:04:28 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/371258 Not everything the bipeds drop while eating is good. Take lettuce, for example. All of it. ... http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/370961 Mon, 1 Oct 2007 17:28:10 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/370961 I don't really feel like I've been earning my pay check lately, diary-wise. But then, I'm not getti ... getting a pay check, so I guess it all works out. It's cooler here today than yesterday, but it's still quite nice. I think I'm going to get taken for a jog pretty soon. The biped has definitely taken to not walking me on those days that he jogs with me. This may not be precisely in keeping with the letter of my contract, but I guess it does not contravene the spirit. And besides, just try to get any lawyer (other than Peter the dog swatter) to make a yard call in Beautiful Downtown Spreckels. You know that piece of playground equipment that that poor kid accidentally hanged himself on a couple of years ago in the park across the street? Well it's still there. And nobody has been sued. I mean, generally speaking, you can't turn over a rock in this country without finding a personal injury lawyer, but not here in Spreckels, apparently. Which is all to the good, I guess. But who's a dog gonna bite, for the love o' Mike? Well, I guess I better start stretching for my run. Hopefully, I'll get brilliant again soon.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/370463 Sun, 30 Sep 2007 12:27:27 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/370463 I am not mad. And he is not English. We have nevertheless just been out for a walk in the noonday ... I just checked the thermometer on back wall of the house, Dexter. It's 68 in the shade. Well, Boss, we weren't in the arfing shade, now were we? Well, mostly not, Dexter. You may have a point. Awfully good of you to say so, old man. Anyway... as I was saying, it's a warm day. My plan is to lie around for the rest of it. Barring unforesworn circumflexes, of course.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/370442 Sun, 30 Sep 2007 11:15:54 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/370442 Well, I don't think he's going to spring for the fighter jet. He did just clean up DexCorp 1 very n ... did just clean up DexCorp 1 very nicely, though. That's something. And I guess I'm really more of a ground pounder than an air-dale, anyway. Still, a dog can dream. It's another beautiful fall day here in Beautiful Downtown Spreckels. Quiet so far. But I think the Blue Angles will be taking off again any minute now. Maybe the biped will walk me over to the edge of town so we can get a better view today. It is far too late to walk me out in the morning dew.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/370177 Sat, 29 Sep 2007 15:47:19 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/370177 Six blue and yellow F/A 18 Hornets just flew right over our yard, almost at tree-top level. Another ... I was pumped! Those things are way cool! I chased them across the yard, but they were out of sight before I was half way to the east wall. Your Russian motorcycles are all very well, but I'm thinking a fighter jet might be better suited to the dignity of my position. It's a shame the biped never finished getting his pilot's license. He tells me that the California International Airshow is this weekend, and that it is held at the Salinas Airport, just a hop, skip, and a stone's throw from Beautiful Downtown Spreckels. That, he says, is why we were just overflown by the Blue Angels. The Airshow always makes the biped a little sad--it was Airshow weekend four years ago that poor old Bill was run over. By some jackass who was apparently watching the sky instead of the farm road he was driving on. But that's a very long time ago. Especially in dog years. And he's got me now. And I'm pumped. I'm pretty sure he likes to watch me chase the Blue Angels.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/370163 Sat, 29 Sep 2007 14:06:03 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/370163 Well, I axed for fall weather, and we're finally getting some. It is crystal clear here in Beautifu ... finally arrived the other day. And I must say, he looks very sharp in it. In a geriatric Rocketeer sort of way. When the bipedess gets back from Portland, we'll have to see if we can't get him liquored up to pose for some pix. Not having a new leather jacket myself, I was just the tiniest bit chilly this AM. Not that I'm one to make a fuss about a little physical discomfort, mind you. The thing about leather motorcycle jackets is you can take them off when you get where you're going. But, if you wear full motorcycle leathers, you've got the pants to contend with. And leather pants, the biped assures me--while they may go over well in a certain sort of bar--positively suck for hiking. And you don't really want to be changing your pants in the Garland Park parking lot, either. (I have noticed that most bipeds--most sober bipeds, anyway--share a certain aversion to taking their pants off in public. Go figure.) On the other cheek, regular old pants, even good old-fashioned blue jeans, apparently do not hold up very well if you happen to find yourself slidding down the highway at 50 mph on your butt or knees. So the biped has compromised and bought himself a pair of Draggin' Jeans. These look pretty much like ordinary blue jeans on the outside, but strategic parts of them are lined on the inside with Kevlar. They're a bit warm, he says, but that's just fine on a crisp, clear fall morning. Once we got to Garland Park, the biped was as good as his word about varying the route of our hike: We started out on the Lupin Loop trail and took it to the precise spot where the biped yelped Oh, crap! I left the cell phone in the side car. At which point, we turned around and hiked back to the parking lot. Cell phone in pocket, we started out again, this time taking Lupin Loop in the other direction, toward the Waterfall trail. We took the Waterfall trail as far as the Cliff trail. Then we took the Cliff trail up and around and over and down to pretty much the beginning of the Mesa trail. (I began to get the idea that the biped was acting very like a cab driver taking you from the airport to your hotel in an unfamiliar city, via the scenic route. But, what the heck? It was scenic, and we were there for the exercise.) Once we got to the Mesa trail, we were back on auto-pilot. Nothing out of the ordinary occurred, but a very pleasant hike was had by all. On the way home, we drove right past Beautiful Downtown Spreckels to make a quick stop at the Feed Trough to buy Greenies, of which we had been out. Quite a satisfactory day, so far. PS: If you ever find it absolutely necessary to shoot the biped--and who's to say you won't?--please aim for his butt or his knees. He's not much, but I'm fond of him. Much as one would be fond of any dispenser of Greenies, I mean.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/369903 Fri, 28 Sep 2007 15:55:53 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/369903 Yesterday morning, the biped had to leave very early to drive his computer to Monterey so that some ... little bit of work done before he surrendered his computer for the day. So, as you may well imagine, he was not as happy as he might have wished to be when he saw that the bipedess, by parking her car within inches of the back of the Forester, and the bipup, by parking his motorcycle within inches of the front of the Forester, had combined to make it impossible for him to go anywhere in the Forester until he had moved one of their vehicles. He didn't happen to have the keys to either one in his pocket, so he decided that the easiest thing to do would be just to push the motorcycle to a new parking spot behind the bipedess' Miata. Which he did, all the while muttering under his breath--well, really, in more of a stage whisper than under his breath--something along the lines of Jebus arfing Crisis! I'm surrounded by arfing idiots! Only after he had already gone through several verses of that particular song did it occur to him to raise his eyes to the bus shelter across the street and the earlier-rising high school students huddled therein. Oh, hi, kids! What was that? What about the title? Oh, that's me, of course. Good Lord, you didn't think I meant him, did you? No, no... I stay perfectly calm and good natured in the face of any misfortune or frustration life throws in his path. And I would never think of swearing just because he's been put out of business temporarily. It is I, of course, who should be his role model.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/369850 Fri, 28 Sep 2007 13:01:05 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/369850 I can't stay long, Littermates--the biped insists he has lots of lost time to make up for, what with ... really sucked the last couple of days). Perhaps I'll have something amusing to say once the biped gets over being mortally p!ssed at our ISP and at techno-geeks in general. BCNU.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/369024 Wed, 26 Sep 2007 09:10:54 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/369024 The biped has developed an odd behavior. I know that because he told me--most of his behaviors seem ... most of his behaviors seem pretty odd to the naked, unassisted setter eye. He has begun not finishing novels. It used to be, if he didn't decide a book was worthless within the first twenty pages, he was in for the duration. (This is a guy who read the Lord of the Rings trilogy three times between the ages of 14 and 27.) But now, with increasing frequency, he finds himself reading two thirds or three quarters of a book and then putting it down one evening and never getting around to picking it up again. It is not so much, he says, that the book has turned out to be crappy and he has gotten sick of it, though sometimes that is the case. But more often, he just doesn't want to know how it ends. And, if he doesn't finish it, it doesn't end. The characters all become like Schrodinger's cat, neither dead nor alive, good nor evil, happy nor disconsolate until you go to the last page and look. (Schrodinger would no doubt tell you that they are both dead and alive, both good and evil, both happy and disconsolate, but do you really want to believe a guy who'd put his own cat in a box with a poison capsule? Me neither. Now, if he'd put my cat in the box...) So, anyway, the biped's just been leaving all those cats in all those boxes. I guess that is kind of odd behavior. Stupid, really. I mean, just let me give the box a quick sniff, and I’ll tell you if the arfing cat's dead.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/369013 Wed, 26 Sep 2007 08:53:26 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/369013 Apparently, I am slated to be the victim... er, recipient, henceforward and for the rest of my natur ... recipient, henceforward and for the rest of my natural life, of strategic worming. This is not your namby-pamby tactical worming, Littermates, a pill here, an injection there, a powder everywhere, just to support the troops on the ground. No. This is to be your real deal: B-52-delivered thermonuclear worming. Twice a year. (The CDC recommends four times a year, but those people are crazier than Buck Turgidson.) What? Well, if that's not what they mean, why do they call it "strategic"? Just a few tasty pills twice a year, huh? Whether I need them or not? That's it? That's what makes it strategic: the whether-I-need-them-or-not part? Well, pardon my French, but that's just arfing stupid!]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/368709 Tue, 25 Sep 2007 11:48:44 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/368709 I've talked to your mother and I've talked to your dad, They say they've tried but it's all in vain ... I've talked to your mother and I've talked to your dad, They say they've tried but it's all in vain. I've begged and I've pleaded, I even got mad, Now we must face it, you give me a pain. How can I miss you when you won't go away? I keep telling you day after day, But you won't listen, you always stay and stay, How can I miss you when you won't go away? Out of three billion dogs, why must it be me? Oh why, oh why won't you cut me loose? Do me a favor and listen to my plea I'm not the only chicken in the roost. Your never-ending presence really cramps my style, I dream that I won't always be infirm. At first I was attracted (weeeeell... not so much, really), but after a while... Have you ever heard of a "hard to get" worm? To tell the truth, I can't really tell if he's gone away or not. My feces look positively delightful. But I thought we were supposed to be seeing worm segments at this point. I'm beginning to wonder if the biped didn't just cook up this whole thing to slow me down. The Drontal Plus had me feeling just the slightest bit unwell yesterday evening. Nevertheless, the biped took me out for a 2.1 mile jog. (I must reluctantly say in his defense that I am such a stoical sort of dog, it is quite possible he did not notice my slight queasiness at the outset.) By the last lap, he was having to slow down so that I could keep up. And you know that's not right, Littermates. What won't the man do to keep up the pretense that he is the alpha around here?]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/368438 Mon, 24 Sep 2007 17:59:20 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/368438 Not is this culture, anyway. Those lady vets just can't get enough of my thighs. This was a new ... this culture, anyway. Those lady vets just can't get enough of my thighs. This was a new one who had not had the pleasure before. She ran her well practiced hands over my silky well muscled thighs and said I seemed very well exercised. Then she listened to my heart. She pronounced it a very athletic sounding heart. Then I believe there was a brief interlude involving a rubber glove and a petroleum product of some sort--we won't dwell on that. But, anyway, it would appear that, even with a great segmented worm up my vent, I am still a babe magnet! Eat your hearts out, human lumps.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/368392 Mon, 24 Sep 2007 16:26:34 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/368392 One day up near Salinas, Lord, I let him slip away... That, at least, is the plan. The biped t ... One day up near Salinas, Lord, I let him slip away... That, at least, is the plan. The biped took me to the vet today. He brought along, not one, but two Mutt Mitts containing some of my best work. The vet confirmed Finlay's mommy's long-distance diagnosis: It's a tape worm alright. They sent us home with six Drontal Plus tablets, three to take today, and three to take three weeks from today to take care of any hatchlings that might appear between now and then. To the biped's evident relief, the vet said that my guest would likely be departing in small pieces, over a number of days. There should be no nightmare scene of me bounding happily into the house trailing a foot and a half of writhing and angry tape worm from my otherwise lovely vent. It will not be necessary to use a come along at any stage of the eviction process. So says the vet. We shall soon see--the biped tossed the first three tablets down my throat the minute we got home. They don't taste bad. Which is just as well--I will apparently be getting that same snack every six months or so from now on.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/367951 Sun, 23 Sep 2007 16:24:50 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/367951 Dexter: Your boots reek of Garland Park. So do hers. You went to Garland Park without me! Bipe ... Dexter: Your boots reek of Garland Park. So do hers. You went to Garland Park without me! Biped: Well, yes, Dexter, technically, we did go to Garland Park, but... Dexter: And you took her in my sidecar rig! Biped: If you would just take the trouble to check the registration, Dexter, I think you will find that... Dexter: Registration, my vent! I don't got to show you no stinking registration! It's mine, and you arfing well know it. Biped: Is that the crux of your complaint, Dexter? That we took DexCorp 1? Because... Dexter: I don't think I got to show you no stinking crux either. My complaint is you didn't take me! Biped: OK. Well, let's just deal with that then, shall we? Dexter: Oh, it'll be dealt with alright. You don't need to worry your shiny little head about that. Biped: Look, Dexter, we were just scouting new trails, trails to take you on next Saturday, when we have our regular hike. Dexter: New trails? Biped: Yes. For your benefit, Dexter. Dexter: You aren't just blowing smoke up my vent, are you? Biped: Not a bit of it, Dexter. We found a very nice one called the Cliff Trail. It connects the Waterfall Trail with the Mesa Trail, and... Dexter: Cliff Trail, you say? Biped: Yes. It's... Dexter: It's where the local native Americans used to go to dispose of wormy dogs, isn't it? Isn't it?! Biped: Don't be ridiculous, Dexter. Nobody's going to dispose of you. We're going to take you to the vet and have that disgus... have that embarrassing little problem of yours... resolved. And then next week, we're going to vary the route of our hike a bit, that's all. Dexter: Well... that's alright then, I guess. Biped: Good. I'm glad you... Dexter: If it's true. Biped: Of course, it's true Dexter. Dexter: And I know that how? Biped: Jebus, Dexter! What crawled up your vent and died, anyway? Dexter: One, I don't think it crawled up, and two, it's still very much alive. Which may, now that I think about it, be the crux of my complaint. Biped: I'm sorry, Dexter. That was an unfortunate choice of idiomatic expressions. It won't happen again. Dexter: See that it doesn't. Any of it.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/367855 Sun, 23 Sep 2007 11:46:59 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/367855 The b@st@rds! Well, no, I don't suppose they've actually killed anybody. But they are illegitima ... killed anybody. But they are illegitimate spawn of some sort, and they are definitely planning something that does not involve me. Almost invariably, if I am going to get a hike, I get it at o-dark-thirty in the morning. If I am going to get a leashed walk, I get it in the late afternoon/early evening. Today, I got a leashed walk at about 9:30 in the morning--definitely unorthodox. Then, shortly after we returned, the biped consulted privately with the bipedess, and then re-installed the windshield and the seat in the Command Module of DexCorp 1. That can only mean one thing: The biped is planning on taking the bipedess somewhere in my sidecar rig, and I'm not even going to get brung along. I mean, gee whiz, you get one lousy tape worm--that's what Finlay's mommy, who ought to know, says it probably is--and all of a sudden, you become dogona non grata. All your party invitations start getting lost in the mail. Dexter who? say all your erstwhile fair-weather friends. Oh well, at least I won't be left all alone. Will I, Wormie, ol' bud?]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/367493 Sat, 22 Sep 2007 10:48:05 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/367493 It's raining. It has been all morning. With increasing vigor. This is not a shower, of which the ... rain. Not what you could call torrential, exactly, I grant you. But still... It's raining in Greater Metropolitan Spreckels in September. I am not happy. The biped is not happy. The bipedess, who is trying to make the house presentable for dinner guests--apparently I am not the only host around here--is not happy. Most of all, the people who are trying to put on the Greater Metropolitan Spreckels Jazz Festival (known in some circles as the Monterey Jazz Festival) are not happy. It just ain't right! Nevertheless, a dog's gotta eat. So I think I will just excuse myself and go have a little snack right now, if you don't mind--I am, after all, eating for hundreds.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/367463 Sat, 22 Sep 2007 09:33:39 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/367463 What's the big deal? Some of my best friends--I'm not naming names, here--have, or have had, worms. ... sob--embarrassment. That's all. BUT IT WAS NOT SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN TO ME! We got up bright and early this morning, the biped and I. And we were joined by the senior bipup, who is apparently not as allergic to early morning hikes as the bipedess. We piled into the Forester, since there were three of us, and since it was raining just the tiniest bit, and off we went for our weekly hike at Garland Park. So far, so good (except, perhaps, for the rain). Well, I don't know about you, Littermates, but I find that a spot of exercise early in the morning always gets the old entrails moving right along, so, of course, I stopped along the trail to... enlighten myself, if you will. The biped, being the good and responsible biped that he is, immediately swooped in to clean up after me. His first thought, he tells me, was Gee, I don't remember feeding Dexter white rice yesterday. His second thought, alas, was Sweet jumping Jebus! That white rice is wriggling! And so it was discovered, Littermates, that I, your very chairman, have… worms. As soon as we got home, the biped gave me a 60 mL dose (all he happened to have on hand) of D-Worm 60 liquid wormer. As a 70 pound dog, I really should have had 70 mL, but he figured 60 would be a lot better than nothing. He plans to call my vet on Monday and get further advice. I’m sure it will all work out alright in the end (ha, ha), but, in the mean time, I just feel so... so... ashamed!]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/367151 Fri, 21 Sep 2007 11:38:29 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/367151 Late last week, the biped inquired of the fellow in Virginia who does custom upholstery for Urals wh ... this week. Well, he couldn't have sent the stuff to us on Sunday, so we knew we weren't going to get the package on Monday. The biped was thinking of Tuesday as a pretty good candidate for "early" in the week. But Tuesday came and went, and there was no package from Virginia. Nor did we receive anything Wednesday morning. Now, it is the biped's position that "early" in any given week ends at noon Wednesday, at the latest, and that, he feels, is a pretty liberal interpretation. But, patience is a virtue and all that, plus, it's not like custom Ural upholstery guys grow on trees, so the biped thought it would be best not to press him. But we didn't receive the order Wednesday afternoon, either. Nor during any part of the day yesterday, Thursday. So here it is Friday morning, Friday being, by any reasonable definition "late" in the week. The biped was just about to send the fellow a snooty email--or possibly a snotty email; the distinction is lost on me. But before he could do so, he received an email from the upholstery guy apologizing for the delay and explaining that the arthritis in his hands is flaring up, that he can barely grasp a piece of fabric with his left hand, and that our order will therefore be delayed into next week. Early or late he did not say. So, anyway, the biped and I are, of course, somewhat disappointed, but we are also glad that the biped's patience--or possibly his inattention to detail--prevailed and that he did not send any sort of unfortunate communication to the upholstery guy. We are, however, contemplating getting quite snippy with the motorcycle jacket people.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/366932 Thu, 20 Sep 2007 18:03:17 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/366932 or No substitutions, please. I think you all know, Littermates, that I am a reasonable sort of ... No substitutions, please. I think you all know, Littermates, that I am a reasonable sort of dog. I am not petty or narrow minded--narrow headed, maybe--or apt to quibble over insignificant details. But a contrak is a contrak, by jiminy, and I expect the biped to hold up his end, such as it is. I am entitled, at a minimum, to a two-mile leashed walk every day except Saturday, when I am entitled to an off-leash hike of at least 3.25 miles. Now, if the biped wants to do a leashed walk on Saturday and a hike on Sunday, I have no problem with that--it all comes out in the one hand that washes the other, so to speak, all cats being grey in the dark. Similarly, and by pretty much the same token, if he wants to take me jogging in addition to my walks and hikes, who's to say that's not perfectly kosher? Who's to say it doesn't fall under a contraktual penumbra of some sort? Certainly not me. But this afternoon, he introduced a dangerous innovation (and I think you all know how I feel about innovations): He took me for a two-mile leashed jog, and it appears he intends to omit my walk altogether! And I'm not having it, Littermates. Sure a two-mile jog is more exercise than a two-mile walk. Sure a two-mile jog is more fun than a two-mile walk. OK, a two-mile jog is pretty much better than a two-mile walk in just about every respect. But that is not the point. The point is my contrak says two-mile walk. Every day. Except Saturday. And a contrak is a contrak. I mean, if I let this slide, what abomination is he going to try to foist on me next, merit pay?]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/366878 Thu, 20 Sep 2007 14:52:19 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/366878 The biped just took me for a very pleasant ride in DexCorp 1. First, we went to the gas station at ... perfectly pleasant ride. And yet... something was missing, a certain je ne sais qua, a bit of no sé qué, if you will, perhaps even an ich weiss nicht was, if that is an expression. What could it have been? Oh, yeah! The hike at the end of the ride! There was no hike at the end of the ride, you arfing moron! Jeez, you just can’t get good help these days! Lucky for him I have the attention span of a gerbil.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/366820 Thu, 20 Sep 2007 11:53:16 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/366820 Well, better day, anyway. It's sunny and brisk, with only a little wind. Definitely feels like fal ... better day, anyway. It's sunny and brisk, with only a little wind. Definitely feels like fall. If anything, it's a bit colder than yesterday, but the neighbors haven't started burning pig spit yet, so the air is wonderfully clear and fresh. A FedEx truck pulled up out front this morning. Looking out his office window, the biped saw the driver get out with a box that did not look quite big enough to contain two tractor seat covers and a tonneau cover. But, hope sproings eternal, as they say, so the biped was out of his office chair and out to the front gate in a trice. Sadly, it turned out to be a box of bulbs--daffodils or some such--for the bipedess. The things women will spend money on, eh! So, anyway, that was kind of a disappointment. The biped has only just recently returned from his daily trip to the post office. And he pretty clearly was not carting a box full of motorcycle jacket, so we are zero for two on the goodies front so far today. But it does look like a good day for a ride. That’s something.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/366587 Wed, 19 Sep 2007 17:26:03 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/366587 When I said earlier that this storm that appears to be blowing through was not very warm for a "trop ... live in their side yard, right up against our wall, making loud cell phone calls and throwing toys into our yard all summer long. Then, the second the icy-cold blasts of a mild tropical storm drive them inside for ten minutes, they're polluting our yard with their stench instead of their noise and their plastic BBs. As the biped is fond of saying, "If there's one thing I can't stand, it's other people." But then, perhaps the two of us are just not in a very jolly mood this afternoon.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/366475 Wed, 19 Sep 2007 11:57:33 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/366475 We saw in this morning's Greater Metropolitan Spreckels Herald and cat box liner that the Los Angele ... very blustery. And not really as warm as one might expect from a tropical storm, either. It's really just kind of depressing weather, if you ask me. And, whatever else it is, it most definitely is not the kind of sparkling clear, crisp, calm September biking weather that the biped more or less promised me. And if you can't trust the biped, whom can you trust, I ax you?]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/366128 Tue, 18 Sep 2007 12:45:20 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/366128 The FedEx guy came around this morning to deliver an airline ticket for the senior bipup--the biped ... reeks of the hamster-sized, vaguely dog-like creature, Mitzi. You don't catch me making a big stink about it. I find it interesting, of course, but not distressing. I mean, it's not like he's coming home with dog food on his collar, is it?]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/365840 Mon, 17 Sep 2007 18:33:01 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/365840 As any of you who are regular readers of my diary can attest, some of my best friends are Canadians- ... Eli and Elvis spring immediately to mind. So when I tell you that I have recently heard a chilling tale that has the Royal Canadian Mounted Police behaving like small-town traffic cops running a speed trap, I trust you will believe that I do not do so out any animus towards our northern neighbors. It seems that the biped's 22-year-old niece and five of her closest male friends recently had occasion to cross the border from Washington state into British Columbia. At the border, the Canadian border guard asked to see their passports. The biped's niece was carrying her passport in her purse. All of her companions had theirs in their pants pockets. The niece produced her passport from her purse. Each of her companions unbuckled his seat belt so as to be able to produce his passport from his pants pocket. The border guard gave the passports a cursory inspection, handed them back, and waved the car through. The niece, who was driving, figured that, if a border guard waves you through a border, then you by Dog move along. You do not wait for your five male companions to get their passports back in their pants and get their seat belts buckled. So she drove on through. Not 50 feet past the crossing, they were pulled over by the RCMP. All five of the young men were given tickets for not having their seat belts buckled. Presumably, if they had not moved along smartly when the border guard waved them through, they would have been cited for that. This is the sort of thing, Littermates, that once gave Alabama and Mississippi bad names. I can only say that I am shocked and saddened, eh? PS: 54.40 or fight!]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/365704 Mon, 17 Sep 2007 12:54:18 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/365704 My young, optimistic, and--oh yes--lethal pal Finlay assures me that there is a market for used cats ... Finlay assures me that there is a market for used cats--gently used cats. I am skeptical. And I will tell you why. It is not, Dog knows, that I doubt the boy's veracity. But, the last time I checked, a jaguar was a species of cat, and, after literally months of trying, the bipeds have been utterly unable to sell my 2002 Jaguar X-type former staff car. And it was not a question of price--no one expressed any interest at any price. It was really quite remarkable. And I can only assume it was because a Jaguar is a cat. (That it is a British cat cannot have helped, of course.) So anyway, the Jaguar has now been palmed off on the bipedess as her car, and they are attempting to sell her 2001 Mazda Miata. As far as I am aware, a Miata, whatever else it may be, is no kind of cat at all. So I’m sure there will be no problem.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/365678 Mon, 17 Sep 2007 11:57:22 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/365678 Or is it breech? It hardly matters. I have been trying all morning to muster the energy and moti ... breech? It hardly matters. I have been trying all morning to muster the energy and motivation to write a new diary entry. Sort of seems like I should, what with being one of the picks of the day and all. But it's hard. It's cold and windy and overcast here in Sometimes Less Than Beautiful Downtown Spreckels. The bipedess is off on an interpreting assignment. The senior bipup is off getting a haircut. The junior bipup is one of those "gentlemen still abed" that Prince Hal was forever harping about. Katie, the 14-year-old miserable arfing cat, is apparently suffering from gradually failing kidneys. And the biped just seems kind of generally bummed out this morning. I could not say why. Not that that's any skin off my magnificent snout, one way or the other. But, I must confess, I'm feeling a bit subdued myself this morning. But I’m sure I'll get to marry Emma Thompson, she'll learn to speak Engerish, and everything will come out all right in the end.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/365284 Sun, 16 Sep 2007 10:49:12 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/365284 It's another delightful fall day here in Beautiful Downtown Spreckels. The sun is warm, and the fli ... effusive for my taste, but I'm a tolerant sort of dog. Up to a point. And it looks as though they're not actually going to be here for very long, anyway. I heard the biped on the phone making luncheon reservations for them all at Tarpy's Roadhouse, one of Greater Metropolitan Spreckels' finer dining establishments. Making the reservations apparently put the biped in mind of a funny story about his cousin's husband that he insisted on telling me--I'm the only one around here who will even pretend to pay attention. This particular cousin lives in Virginia, so the bipeds do not see a lot of her. A couple of years ago, she and her husband Marc were here for a visit. The bipeds took them out to dinner at a local restaurant. No doubt because Marc was, by a year or two, the oldest member of the party, the hostess addressed herself to him when she asked, "Do you have reservations?" Marc looked thoughtful for a second or two, and then said, "No, not really. We've heard this is a pretty good place to eat." No doubt that was an old joke long before I was born, but the biped had never heard it before. The hostess had either never heard it before (and did not get it) or had heard it so many times she was immune to its charms--she just stared at him blankly. Well, that's it; that's my amusing anecdote for the morning. Talk to you later, Littermates.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/364936 Sat, 15 Sep 2007 12:26:30 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/364936 Well, I would have to say that my weekend has been quite satisfactory so far. Last night, the bip ... spectacular. (You could Google "Big Sur" and see for yourself.) It is also very windy. But, Engerish being what it is, you can't tell whether I just said it is wind-the-clock windy or wind-in-your-sails windy, can you? Well, it turns out it is always windy and usually windy. It is the kind of road that is apt to cause young bipeds to urp their orange Fantas right into their own laps. But not me. (Not that I would touch an orange Fanta with ten-foot Polski Owczarek Podhalanski.) I reveled in the twists and turns... even slept through quite a few of them, if the truth be told. I lay down. I sat up. I even developed at new riding position: snorkeling. When snorkeling, I maintain my prone position on the floor of the Command Module, but stick my snout straight up, so that it clears the lip of the Command Module by a couple of inches. It is enough to get an incredible rush of tangy ocean air through my nostrils and to inflate my flews nicely (oh, baby!), but it requires very little effort and no balancing act. So, anyway, our total ride this morning, including the initial leg from home to Garland park, was just under 100 miles. The biped said it was another shakedown run and may lead to further adventures at a later date. I’m up for it.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/364599 Fri, 14 Sep 2007 11:47:39 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/364599 Yesterday at about noon, the biped finally got around to calling my vet about some medications I nee ... not--slow the buildup of plaque thereon. We were also low on Heart Guard and Advantix, so the biped figured we might as well stock up on those. But it was Ora-Vet that we were flat arfing out of. Bear that in mind. Now, of course, all of these are prescription medications--we can't have dogs abusing OTC tick medications now, can we?--so they require the vet's OK. And while you're getting his OK, you might just as well buy the stuff there, right? Especially if, like the biped, you like not being careful about your money. So, anyway, the biped called the vet's office at about noon and explained that he needed these three medications. The young lady on the phone asked him when he'd like to pick them up. The biped said this afternoon, if possible. The young lady said OK. How about 3:30? Fine, said the biped, assuming that the vet was out to lunch at the moment, but would be back in plenty of time to exhaustively review my file and approve my meds. He further assumed--rather optimistically, I must say--that, if they were telling him to come in and pick some stuff up at 3:30, they actually, you know, had the stuff. He did not think to inquire Do you actually have these three medications that you are telling me to pick up in stock? So he drives over to the vet's office at about 3:45 (giving the vet plenty of time to get back from lunch). He tells the young lady behind the counter what he's there for. She starts rummaging around in cabinets. Her coworkers start helpfully rummaging around with her. Well, of course, the good news is that they do have Heart Guard and Advantix--swell, so do we, Sweetheart. The bad news is, they are all out of Ora-Vet, the only one of the three we actually needed, you know, now. But they'll have some more on Monday, they think. Maybe the biped should call before he comes by? To his credit, he actually refrained from saying anything unpleasant. He must have been having an off afternoon. So, anyway, I just find myself wondering how many tons of greenhouse gases could be kept out of the atmosphere by the simple expedient of shooting every moron who causes some other moron to make a pointless car trip to pick up something that isn't really there. I mean, I know that wouldn't stop global warming. But surely it would be a step in the right direction?]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/364182 Thu, 13 Sep 2007 09:05:54 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/364182 Is there anything a man don't stand to lose when he lets a woman hold him in her hands? No, wait... ... Is there anything a man don't stand to lose when he lets a woman hold him in her hands? No, wait... wrong Dead. (Ahem) As Robert E. Lee might have said, if he hadn't been riding a damn horse all the time: It is well that jogging is so terrible, lest we grow too fond of it.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/364180 Thu, 13 Sep 2007 08:57:31 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/364180 If the evil thing chasing us around the park (four times last night) just stood still and waited, I' ... four times last night) just stood still and waited, I'm pretty sure we'd be around again. Eventually.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/363856 Wed, 12 Sep 2007 09:43:01 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/363856 My pal Pongo has expressed concern that, if the biped and I were running (after a fashion) the other ... Pongo has expressed concern that, if the biped and I were running (after a fashion) the other night, it can only have been because something evil was chasing us. Well, we were going around in circles (roughly), so I suppose you could make the case that we were chasing ourselves or each other. (Without approaching the speed of light, though, I don't think we were ever in much danger of catching up with ourselves.) But that's a little too philosophical (or do I mean sophistic?) for my walnut-sized brain to comfortably grasp. So I will tell you what I told Pongo: If something was chasing us, and it didn't catch us, it was a very slow something indeed, not something that I would be much inclined to worry about. On the other hand, if I ever do find myself being chased by something of a seriously evil (or even ambivalent) nature, I can only beseech Saint Dexeter not to let me be tethered to the biped when it happens. Yet, on still another hand, I wouldn't mind having the biped lurking in the general vicinity. Then I would not have to outrun the evil thing chasing me (most probably a five-pound terrier of some sort), I would only have to outrun the biped. Which I'm pretty sure I could do with one paw and my tongue tied behind my back.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/363528 Tue, 11 Sep 2007 13:08:40 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/363528 And liking it. The biped took me for my normal two-mile leashed walk around town at about the usu ... some sort of departure from our usual routine. I was up for it. I made those really weird insect-like clicking noises in my throat to indicate that I was pretty much cross-eyed with anticipation. Well, he hooked me up, walked me across the street to the park, and then started running!* I’m pretty sure I would have been flabbergasted, if only I knew what flabbergasted meant. In any case, I was taken somewhat by surprise. Now here is a (possibly) interesting thing about the biped: He is quite a fast walker (for a biped, I mean). So you might reasonably suppose that, once he took it into his head to run, he might be quite a fast runner. Not so, and quite the contrary, as some obnoxious Canadian feminist poet said on nation-wide TV some time ago. In fact, his running speed is not even quite twice his walking speed. It is just about enough to cause a dog my size to break into a slow trot. Which I did, of course. And I was quite content with that pace and did not feel the need to hurry him along with any undue straining at the leash. So we were both content. We did three laps around the park--that would be approximately 1.61 km, for those of you who are countrymen (or women!) of the aforementioned poet. For the rest of you, it's about a mile. Not much, maybe, but more running than he's done in my tenure. I consider it a positive sign and am cautiously optimistic. We would have had a full and frank discussion on the subject, but he was a little out of breath. *The biped insists that jogging and running are not two different things. Rather (he says), jogging is a kind of running, just like, you know, sprinting. So, anyway, he insists that what he was doing was a kind of running.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/363201 Mon, 10 Sep 2007 17:37:10 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/363201 I don't know how many of you live in households blessed with Sirius Satellite Radio, Littermates. A ... Hey! That's not funny! He listened to several hours of it on the way to Tucson and back this weekend, and he is apparently not altogether pleased. For one thing, the channel is devoted largely to concert tapes and unreleased studio recordings. Well, the thing about Grateful Dead concerts, according to the biped, is that both the audience and the band were generally too stoned to notice that no two band members were ever really playing the same song at the same time, but that they made up for it by playing some song for an hour and a half at a stretch. Which was fine at the time, he says, but you had to be there. And when you are driving to Tucson on I-10, you are most definitely not there. And the thing about unreleased studio recordings is... HELLO!... There was a reason why even a bunch of 20-something stoners knew better than to release that recording. Ya know? But far worse, he says, were the ultra-serious, almost reverential announcements in between 45-minute live versions of songs you couldn't actually recognize: This day in Grateful Dead History... Surviving band members remember Jerry ... The Dead Deconstructed. Sweet jumpin' Jebus! When I was 21, it was a very good year at the Heartbreak Hotel because I was born in the USA. I just listen to the music of the spheres, myself. It, you know, kind of keeps me grounded in the moment.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/363091 Mon, 10 Sep 2007 13:08:30 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/363091 I prefer to think of it as being discreet. (That Fred has a good scam going. I could get used to ... I prefer to think of it as being discreet. (That Fred has a good scam going. I could get used to this.)]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/362819 Sun, 9 Sep 2007 18:14:03 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/362819 (not that it matters much) To his credit (I suppose), the biped took me for my regular Garland Pa ... we need to cry, not because Seva needs our tears. Seva has surely gone to a better place, even if it is your view that she has simply gone, having drifted with all things "into the blue of space, into the dark of time." That's got to be a better place than pain and debility. I miss her greatly already. And I would like to thank her Mommy for sharing her with us.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/361862 Fri, 7 Sep 2007 11:31:12 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/361862 If you must know, what the bipedess actually said was youthanize. Which I, as a world-renowned auth ... must know, what the bipedess actually said was youthanize. Which I, as a world-renowned authority on the Engerish language, happen to know is not a real word. So, when I told the story, I had her saying rejuvenate instead, because I knew that that was what she really meant, and because I did not want to embarrass her. Are you happy now? Can't we all just get past the politics of personal destruction, Littermates?]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/361799 Fri, 7 Sep 2007 08:29:50 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/361799 It seems that Katie, the original miserable arfing cat, she of a thousand lives, who has been here s ... right, but I guess that is a subtly different thing.) She has for some time now been hearing impaired as the proverbial post. She has lately begun to spend inordinate amounts of time just staring at walls. And the bipedess feels that she (Katie, not the bipedess) may be losing weight. What with one thing and another, the bipedess fears that it may soon become necessary to have Katie rejuvenated. At least, I think that’s what she said. Rejuvenated, youthanized, eulogized... something along those lines. Anyway, it sounds like a good plan to me. It would be nice to have her back in fighting trim to help me keep Little Ned in line. (She's never been much use against Big Ned, but every little bit helps, I guess.) And really, if all you have to do to get youthanized is go to the vet and have a simple procedure, I don't know why the bipeds haven't had themselves done years ago.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/361499 Thu, 6 Sep 2007 13:52:20 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/361499 Still very smoky here in Greater Metropolitan Spreckels. Nuclear winter seems to have set in today, ... Fred. Ahem: If you did not want the excited dog to knock the carton of carefully labeled and sorted cassette tapes off the top of the waste basket, you should not have balanced it there in the first place. That’s all.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/361153 Wed, 5 Sep 2007 16:17:56 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/361153 Something is on fire here in Greater Metropolitan Spreckels. The biped says that when he was in Mon ... sssnnnnxx!... the only reason my eyes are watering a bit just now. Reflecting that Seva apparently believes that I would stoop to picking up other sight houndesses, much less Irish setter bitches, the minute she's... sssnnnnxx!... the minute she's... well, you know... anyway, that's got nothing... sssnnnnxx!... nothing to do with it. In point of actual fact--not that I've ever given the matter a moment's thought, mind you--it would be very difficult even to get a bitch the size of Tavar or Moonlight Over Malibu into the Command Module of DexCorp 1 with me. Now, an emergency back-up bitch, something along the lines of, oh, say, Betty, that might work. But that is all both beside the point and out of the question. I would not dream of taking anyone on a romantic moonlight ride in the three-wheeled babe magnet. Not unless she was the first one to ask me real nicely, of course.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/360783 Tue, 4 Sep 2007 18:09:47 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/360783 Knock, knock. Who's there? Sam and Janet. Sam and Janet who? Sam and Janet Evening, you ... http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/360299 Mon, 3 Sep 2007 16:30:41 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/360299 Well, I don't know about you, Littermates, but we're all feeling a little mortal, here in Beautiful ... share it with you: My Father's Ashes My father's ashes were like the remains of charcoal briquettes caught in a sudden gust under the Golden Gate Bridge-- I had to brush them off my pants. My mother's ashes were like gunpowder and sparkled in the morning sunlight as they drifted down beneath the surface of the great River Ocean. Mix my ashes--if you are looking for one last duty to perform-- with those of my imperfect dog Dexter and toss our weighted urn out to the very center of the Mesa pond. Illegal, no doubt, but I will tell no one and you will know thereafter where to find us. Hey! Who does he think he's calling imperfect? I've gotta start actually reading this drivel before I let him post it.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/360186 Mon, 3 Sep 2007 11:33:16 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/360186 Chaps or no chaps, the kid's heart is in the right place. I have it on good authority that the bi ... still up, as opposed to already up. Already it was, though--the poor boy had apparently been suffering from insomnia. He (the junior bipup) suggested a hike. The biped said Sure, why not? So we all three piled into the Forrester and drove over to Garland Park. This being Belabored Day itself, there were kind of a lot of people and dogs there, even early in the morning. But I liked the extra dogs. And did not mind the people much. I had a perfectly nice hike. And the biped and bipup apparently had a fine time discussing the manifold deficiencies of ze French. And when we got home, it was such a manifestly fine morning that the biped took me for a ride in DexCorp 1 just to be going for a ride. Quite satisfactory. What about Belgium, you say? Oh, that was one of the bipup’s better lines about European history and politics: “In Europe, you can’t go out for a pack of cigarettes without invading Belgium.”]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/359769 Sun, 2 Sep 2007 09:14:49 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/359769 I'm a bit worried about the junior bipup. Despite his insistence upon drinking the sort of inky ... too much. It is simply a matter of someone getting someone's mind right, and I'm sure the matter will be resolved in short order. But this business of imaginary motorcycle playmates is more troubling. I overheard him telling the biped yesterday that he feels a little weird riding his Honda with "Harley chaps." In the first place, he mostly rides his Honda all by himself. In the second place, when there's anybody with him, it is almost invariably his new sweetie, J****, who, as far as I am aware, does not own a Harley, and who, beyond any shadow of a doubt, is not a chap by any definition that I am aware of. And in the third place, if he is running into any Harley riding friends at some local biker bar, I'm thinking he'd better not be calling them "chaps." So I'm pretty sure that the whole notion of riding with Harley chaps is just a figment of his fevered imagination. The question is, what's to be done about it. I mean... What? Oh. That kind of chaps. Nevermind.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/359604 Sat, 1 Sep 2007 20:00:14 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/359604 Lo! some we loved, the loveliest and best That Time and Fate of all their Vintage prest, Have drun ... http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/359418 Sat, 1 Sep 2007 10:26:36 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/359418 When the biped set the alarm last night for six this morning, I knew he had failed to think the thin ... or mine), be mistook. In fact, by the time the biped finished fiddling around and checking his email and whatnot, we were only twenty-two and a half minutes early. But I am, perhaps, getting somewhat ahead of myself. Which is not easy to do when you’re riding in a Ural. Which, of course, we were. We left Beautiful Downtown Spreckels in the brisk and gorgeous predawn, Orion just fading from the morning sky, the farm workers just arriving at the fields along Spreckels Blvd. About half way up Laureles Grade, the temperature changed so abruptly it was almost like popping up out of the water on a warm day--suddenly, it was balmy instead of brisk. (It's six of one and a dozen of the other, if you ax me--I like balmy and brisk. Barmy, I can do without.) To give the biped his due (and why not? it’s cheaper than wages), he is getting quite adept at cornering in DexCorp 1. There is a series of S curves near the top of Laureles Grade. They are marked 30 mph. The biped actually went through them at 35 this morning. (Of course, any superannuated school marm in a '60 Chevy would have been doing 50, but that is largely beside the point. The exact nature of which, I seem to have forgotten.) So, anyway, we had a fine ride to Garland Park. And the hike was OK, too, though Garland Park was a lot buggier this morning than it has been lately. And, of course, we were up to our eyebrows in out of control yellow labs. But we did not suffer a single terriorist attack, which I count as a triumph of the current biped's domestic policy. Oh, and on the way home, I believe we were briefly flirting with 68 mph on Highway 68. (Please don't look for any similar wonders on Highway 101, though.) Enjoy the rest of your Labor (or Labour) Day weekend, Littermates.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/358997 Fri, 31 Aug 2007 10:11:36 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/358997 Too bad I didn't get to take one, huh? The temperature is supposed to be headed for the 90s today ... supposed to be headed for the 90s today. We tend to take that sort of prediction with a pretty large shot of rock salt around here. Still... It's going to be warm. This morning, though, it's very pleasant--cool and still and alive with unrealized possibilities. So, when the biped came out and fired up DexCorp 1 this morning, I naturally thought that one of the possibilities was that he and I were going for a little ride. And I suppose it was a possibility, technically. It just didn't happen. Instead, he took off all on his own to go to Monterey. To get weighed, he said, though I'm pretty sure we've got one of those scale thingies right here in our very own bathroom. (I think he said weighed.) Anyway, I didn't get to go. He promises me that tomorrow morning we'll take DexCorp 1 to Garland Park. Tomorrow is supposed to be another nice day. And tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/358579 Thu, 30 Aug 2007 11:27:59 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/358579 or Don't think twice, it's alright. I think I've mentioned to you before that the biped someti ... Don't think twice, it's alright. I think I've mentioned to you before that the biped sometimes reads things to me from the morning paper. He tries to tell me he values my opinion, but I know he only does it because the bipedess stopped listening long ago. So did I, if the truth be told, but I'm better at faking an attentive expression than she is. Or maybe just more motivated. But I do tune in every once in a while, just to see what he's on about now. This morning he was put out about two headlines somewhere in the middle of the front-page section: Robber hits man in head with metal pipe And Ex boyfriend arrested on charges of rape "I ask you, Dexter," sez he, "Can you call either one of those succinct?" My befuddled silence apparently conveyed to him that I could not. "I mean, I guess it could be a PVC pipe. Hell, it could be a Meerschaum pipe. And if it were either of those, that would be news, and the headline writer would want it in the headline. But, if you just tell me that somebody hit somebody in the head with a pipe, and let it go at that, I'm going to assume it's a metal pipe, ain't I?" I successfully conveyed by my blank stare that I agreed with him about the metal pipe, but wondered what his objection to the rape headline was. "Well, it's more wasted verbiage, isn't it? 'Charges of rape'? What's wrong with 'rape charges,' for Dog's sake? Where did these people learn to write headlines?" Darned if I know, Boss. And your point would be…? "My point, Dexter, is that I'm a busy man, and these bozos are just sort of wasting my precious time!" Ah.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/358221 Wed, 29 Aug 2007 16:01:24 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/358221 I try to be sensitive to the biped's various delusional concerns, the better to be able to alert him ... empathize with a feeling of being anything less than perfectly attractive or perfectly athletic. But I try. It's my job, after all. So let me see if I can accurately restate what he was attempting to explain to me this morning, and, through restating it, demonstrate an understanding of it. Let us suppose, hypodermically, that you are a male biped of a certain age. You are of at least average attractiveness and perhaps marginally above average athleticism (I don't call him on these little misrepresentations; it's pointless). Let us further suppose that, for whatever reason, you gain a bunch of weight. It is a lead-pipe cinch that you will thus become less attractive and less athletic than you were before, right? I'm following right along so far. Now suppose you lose some weight. You will almost certainly become more attractive and more athletic. If you lose a little weight, you will become a little more attractive and athletic, right? So, then, if you lose twice as much weight, you will, inescapably, become twice as attractive and athletic--you do the math. But the thing is, at some point, according to the biped, this line of reasoning will collapse. If you didn't look like Brad Pitt and have thighs like Lance Armstrong before you gained the weight, it is unlikely that you will ever acquire those characteristics by losing the weight. (Or even the weight and then some.) Well, yeah, sez I to myself, so arfing what? Apparently, it has something to do with motivation. Well, if he says so. But I don't think any amount of motivation is ever going to make a Gordon setter out of him. (I'm sure he has no idea how many calories you can burn every day just by turning around five times before you defecate and fifteen times before you lie down for a nap.)]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/358050 Wed, 29 Aug 2007 07:58:24 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/358050 Fall is definitely in the air. We had a nice cozy blanket of ground fog early this morning, and not ... too brief, mostly.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/357603 Tue, 28 Aug 2007 08:54:14 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/357603 The junior bipup has acquired a sweetie. And, although, inexplicably, no one has asked me, I think ... I think she's a keeper. She came by for a visit yesterday afternoon, and the first thing she said to the bipup, who was out on the porch to meet her, was, "That's a cool bike!" referring, of course, to DexCorp 1. Whereupon, the bipup gave her a brief guided tour, being careful, of course, not to actually touch anything. I was just swelling with pride. At least, I think that's what I was swelling with--either that or gas. Either way, it's nice to know there are some sensible women out there.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/357372 Mon, 27 Aug 2007 18:37:31 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/357372 Did I mention that the bipedess' sister, when she was introduced to me, accused me of being some sor ... http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/356876 Sun, 26 Aug 2007 17:22:33 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/356876 We had a visit from some of the in-laws this afternoon. The bipedess' mother, sister, niece, and gr ... four generations of females, and not one of them shows an intelligent interest in a Russian sidecar rig descended from a 1939 Wehrmacht BMW! Unbe-arfing-lievable! If it had been four generations of men, the biped would have spent all afternoon discussing fine points and giving rides. I am speechless. (Unhappily, they were not.)]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/356697 Sun, 26 Aug 2007 09:46:32 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/356697 As nearly as my well tuned (and wonderfully silky) ears can determine, DexCorp 1 is running just fin ... point of our having a sidecar rig. The biped is skating on thin ice here. Though I suppose I will have to cut him a little slack for being rude to that old lady at Garland Park this morning--saved me the trouble of growling at her. When we got back to the parking lot after our hike, we discovered an SUV of some sort parked about eight inches from the right side--my side--of DexCorp 1. This in a parking lot at least half empty. Because there is a fair amount of rigmarole involved in getting me suited up and into the Command Module, and in getting the trunk open and swapping various items in and out thereof, and because all of that has to take place on the right side of the rig, the biped was nonplused. While he was muttering under his breath, the driver’s door of the SUV opened and a grey head emerged. Without giving any thought to wheher or not it was really appropriate to do so, the biped said cheerily, "Do you think you could have parked any closer?" "Pardon me?" said a sweet befuddled woman rather reminiscent of the woman who used to play Cliff Claven's mother on Cheers. "Oh, nothing," said the biped, already wishing he'd just kept his mouth shut. "Am I parked too close to your vehicle? Do you feel endangered?" "Not endangered," rejoined the biped, "just mildly inconvenienced." Whereupon, the little old lady withdrew into her SUV and just sat there for the next five minutes, while the biped got us ready to go. When we were on the point of leaving, the little old lady got out of her car and apologized for inconveniencing us. The biped apologized for being rude to her. I looked upon her benignly and did not bare a single tooth. One thing you've really got to appreciate about the biped is how often he makes it easy to look good by comparison.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/356380 Sat, 25 Aug 2007 15:43:51 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/356380 I finally got my ride back this afternoon. DexCorp 1 is back in the barn, so to speak. And it is a ... And it is a better DexCorp 1 than it was when it left: It now has a real trunk lock--I guess Russians are just too darn honest to think that's a necessary feature--so the biped no longer has to wrestle with that ridiculous cable lock he was running from the luggage rack to the sidecar axel whenever we left the rig parked at Garland Park. The hard-as-a-rock bench seat--new for 2007!--has been replaced with a pair of the old tractor-style seats. It looks way cooler. The biped says the jury is still out on the overall comfort difference. His initial impression, after riding it home 70 miles, is that the tractor seat is much more comfortable when you're just riding in a straight line--even if you just happen recently to have lost 56 pounds, there's no pressure at all on your coccyx (you could look it up). On the other hand, when you're hiking yourself way out to the right or left on corners, you get a distinctly uncomfortable seat ridge right where you'd really rather not have one. Improved technique may help with this, the biped thinks. The engine main seal has been replaced, of course, but then, it shouldn't have been leaking in the first place, should it? And the clutch disks (the Ural has two) have been replaced. They didn't need to be--they weren't even altogether broken in yet. But the clutch is such a pain in the arf to get at, most mechanics seem to feel that, as long as you're in there, you might as well replace the clutch disks just on general principal--and on warranty, of course. I believe I will get my first ride in the improved DexCorp 1 tomorrow morning when we go to Garland Park for the hike that I did not get this morning. Oh, by the way, here's a real confidence builder from Ski Joblonski: Only once has he had to replace the main seal in the same bike twice. I don't know about you, but I'm certainly glad to hear it.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/355818 Fri, 24 Aug 2007 08:28:39 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/355818 ...But who knows, maybe you will enjoy it. I am your Chairman. OK, OK... 300 is a chick flick! ... will enjoy it. I am your Chairman. OK, OK... 300 is a chick flick! Apparently, a lot more women than I would have guessed were able to get past the grotesque comic-book violence of 300 and appreciate the movie for its deeper message: six-pack abs are really hot! Not only do I stand corrected, I stand willing to let you ladies palpate my magnificent thigh muscles at your earliest convenience. And they're quite real--it's twoo, it's twoo! Another lesson we can all take home from 300 is this: Come home with your motorcycle or on it (or words to that effect). If I had thought to deliver that line to the biped yesterday morning, perhaps I would not now be staring at an empty motorcycle canopy where DexCorp 1 is supposed to be. I mean, what good is a driver without a ride? Ah, well, life is tough here in Beautiful Downtown Spreckels. What's a poor dog gonna do?]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/355696 Thu, 23 Aug 2007 22:21:31 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/355696 The biped is out of sorts. He left here at 7:50 this morning to ride DexCorp1 up to Santa Clara ( ... quite a while under the best of circumstances. But Ski was alone in the shop and, wouldn’t you know it, he had to stop and sell a box full of miscellaneous parts to a guy who was trying to rebuild an old wrecked Ural he got for a song. That didn’t take much more than an hour. Scarcely had Ski started in on DexCorp 1 again when a nice little old couple from Dog only knows where came in and bought a new Ural. Very slowly. The biped was, he tells me, way past ready to scream. And there was no help for it. As many of you will already know, the bipedess is in New Jersey. So she was not available to come rescue the biped. The junior bipup was also otherwise engaged (though I don't think he has any intention of giving the poor girl a ring). To make a distressingly long story somewhat less long than it might otherwise become, Ski ended up driving the biped home and delivering him here at about 9:30 PM. Which was very decent of him, I'm sure, but DexCorp 1 is still in Santa Clara in a partially disassembled state. Having the biped back without DexCorp 1 is marginally better than not having him back, I suppose. But it still leaves a lot to be desired.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/355098 Wed, 22 Aug 2007 15:36:42 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/355098 Back to school? Good! One book bag each. Line on the right. The yellow buses have started roll ... Good! One book bag each. Line on the right. The yellow buses have started rolling again in Beautiful Downtown Spreckels. A dog can finally get a little bit of peace and quiet, at least for a few hours a day. Unfortunately, wherever they cart the little buggers off to in the morning keeps sending them right back again in the afternoon. Don't get me wrong. I love kids. But that is a largely academic observation, given how infrequently I am allowed to eat one.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/354916 Wed, 22 Aug 2007 08:22:44 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/354916 Yesterday afternoon, the biped introduced an innovation into our daily walk. (Remember, Littermates ... all innovations are suspect; most are bad.) Instead of taking the standard two laps around town, we went wide on the second lap and walked along a field road through the strawberry and lettuce fields that surround Beautiful Downtown Spreckels. As innovations go, that seemed acceptable. At one point, we came across a trickle of irrigation water running across our field road. It didn't amount to much, and the biped, with some careful tap dancing, was able to avoid getting any mud at all on his shoes. I, on the other paw, made no attempt to avoid getting my feet muddy--mud is cool and squishy and pleasant. So I walked right through some. Very nice it was, too. Now, I must digress some here to 'splain some geological/geographical factoids on you. I get my feet muddy at Garland Park all the time, and never has it caused me a moment's regret. The soil at Garland Park is very sandy. Thus, the mud you can make with it is quite crumbly when it dries--friable is, I believe, the word. By the time we get back to the parking lot, I no longer have any mud or significant mud product on my feet. The soil surrounding Beautiful Downtown Spreckels, in contrast, has a very high clay content. It is, in fact, almost pure clay (except, of course, for the odd smattering of agricultural chemicals). It makes a lovely sticky mud that dries to the consistency of fine china. Fine broken china. Fast forward to last night. The biped is watching the miserable, pathetic, hopeless arfing San Francisco Giants once again snatch defeat from the very jaws of victory. He notices that I am lying on the floor, alternately licking my paws and pulling at the hair on them with my teeth and just generally looking uncomfortable. He investigates. He discovers that the spaces between my toes, on all four paws, are jammed with little jagged bits of quasi-ceramic completely impregnated with the copious fur we Gordons have betwixt our toes. Thinking quickly (you must understand quickly to be a relative term here), the biped takes me outside, fills a bucket with water, and begins individually soaking each of my lovely feet and carefully working all the reconstituted mud out from between my toes. He then dried each foot with a towel he had brought along for just that purpose. It was really pretty good service, I must say. I mean, he didn't actually anoint my feet with oil, but it was close. So, anyway, Littermates, be careful out there. It can be a muddy, muddy world.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/354673 Tue, 21 Aug 2007 17:26:42 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/354673 We here at DexCorp, in common with many of our lesser-known competitors (e.g., McDoogles, Booger Kin ... they only crank out enough slop to meet current demand, we keep cranking it out whether anybody demands it or not. We like to think of it as the DexCorp Difference, our unwavering commitment to quantity workmanship. We pledge to you, our unwitting consumer, that every unit of product we produce, be it this fine diary entry or a set of prosthetic flews, is one more unit of product than the unit before it. And we will stand behind that pledge (in some cases, far behind it) until the day we don't. It's the DexCorp way. Thank you.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/354540 Tue, 21 Aug 2007 12:21:52 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/354540 The poor boy works too hard. I'm thinking the wee beasty boy needs a short vacation, a little rest ... vacation, a little rest from his long and growing list of responsibilities. Not only is he out to rid the household of rodents, he has now taken it upon himself to warm the biped's office chair every morning. And on these cool, fallish mornings, it looks to me like the biped actually appreciates it. I mean, sure, he shoos Little Ned out of his chair every morning, but he nevertheless seems pleased to see him lying there radiating feline heat into the chair. Which is, by the way, a task (however demeaning) that I would be quite willing to perform for the biped myself. And I would be using slower burning, longer lasting, just generally superior canine heat, too. But if you are a 70+ pound dog, and you have ever tried leaping into a wheeled office chair on a hard surface... well, it's not an experiment you're likely to repeat. So Little Ned--Stinky the Mouse Slayer to his fans--has decided to help out. And I appreciate it. Honest, I do. The expression alienation of affection has never even crossed my walnut-sized mind. I'm just concerned for my young colleague's health, is all. Katy and I are thinking of booking the boy on a nice relaxing whale watching cruise. I hear those decks can get slippery. But I'm sure he'll be juuuuuuust fine. That is, you know, unless we can find a deckhand who's a little strapped for cash.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/354437 Tue, 21 Aug 2007 08:02:50 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/354437 Having the most diary entries (quality diary entries, mind you!) in ganz Dogsterdom is no doubt a ve ... quality diary entries, mind you!) in ganz Dogsterdom is no doubt a very fine thing. Having 25,000 page views--which I will, probably some time later today--is also... if not meaningful exactly, at least pleasant. But they both make me feel a little bit like Crash Davis with the minor league home run title. Makes me wonder sometimes if I haven't got a little too much time on my paws. Maybe I should agitate for more hikes and a little less drollery. Or maybe I should quit complaining, shut the arf up, and appreciate all the very good friends I've made here. Yep. I think that's just the ticket. Thank you, everyDexter (you'll have to ask Fred).]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/354196 Mon, 20 Aug 2007 16:53:06 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/354196 Well, let's see... Apparently, my snide remark about knock-knock jokes caused Rosie to delete a b ... Rosie to delete a bunch of her older diary entries. When I last checked, she had, in fact, deleted herself into third place on the most-diary-entries stroll. Now, of course, I feel like sort of an arf hole. Well... I don't, exactly. I mean, you know me. But the biped does. And Rosie gave me a star, too. That's a tough act to follow. Especially when your cheap-arf biped refuses to buy you any zealies. And then Seva pointed out to me (1) that 300 is a chick flick, and (2) the article of clothing in question is correctly referred to as a combat bikini. You'd think someone like the biped, who claims to be a history buff, would have known that, wouldn't you? But no, once again I get struck holding the barge and looking like an ignoramus! And then, to top it all off, Finlay went and love-tagged me! I knew I should never have brought up the subject of half-naked Greeks (NTTAWWT!). Look, Kid, I don't mind mentoring you a little from time to time, but let's don't go overboard here, shall we?]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/353962 Mon, 20 Aug 2007 08:41:32 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/353962 Just when I think I'm getting the hang of this Engerish usage thing (or thang as Breezy would have i ... thang as Breezy would have it), someone comes along and throws a spaniel in the works, or a great red heron, or something, and all bets are once again off. What I am on about this morning, Littermates, is that "Dear Abby" woman that the biped insists on reading to me over his morning English-muffin-like object. It seems that a little girl may or may not have been inappropriately touched by her grandfather--the parents cannot get a straight story out of her. (This is a very serious topic. I understand that. And I don't mean for a moment to make light of it. But Engerish usage is a serious topic, too, and it has to be faced squarishly and taken by the Hurons.) Dear Abby suggests, quite reasonably, it seems to me, that the parents should seek out the services of a child psychologist who specializes in getting to the bottom of such cases. Who could argue with that? But then she says that, in the mean time, the little girl should not be left alone with her grandfather unless she is closely supervised! I thought I knew what alone meant. I thought I knew (more or less) what supervised meant. Now it's back to square one. Arf!]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/353700 Sun, 19 Aug 2007 16:27:27 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/353700 Your know me, Littermates, I am not one either to brag or to complain (not much, I'm not). But I ju ... dorothy "dot" luise as the second most prolific diarist on Dogster (and without a single knock-knock joke, too, I might add). And I wasn't even going to mention it--that's the kind of modest unassuming dog I am. But a few minutes ago, I just happened to notice Dot was out in front again. Fair enough, I thought--we had to have been pretty much neck and neck, and she has written another entry. But it turns out, Littermates, that she has not--the entry that was her most recent this morning is still her most recent this afternoon. So, unless she has been time traveling into the past to post old entries, something is not quite right here. Don't get me wrong--I have the utmost respect for Dorothy (and for Dalmatians in general, of course). I do not suppose for a moment that she has done anything the slightest bit nefarious. What I am saying is that somebody around here just can't count for spit. Which would be really unfortunate if one actually cared about such trivialities. That's all I'm saying.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/353558 Sun, 19 Aug 2007 10:09:25 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/353558 We watched 300 on the wide screen last night, the biped, the junior bipup, and I (a cat or two may a ... 300 on the wide screen last night, the biped, the junior bipup, and I (a cat or two may also have wandered through, but I can hardly be expected to notice cats, can I?). It seemed like a good time to do it, what with the bipedess in New Jersey and all--300 is not what you could call a chick flick. At least I don't think it is. It would depend on the chick, I suppose. The biped, our resident know-it-all, expressed some surprise when it was all over that the movie was somewhat more vaguely, approximately, remotely historically accurate than you might expect from a movie based on a comic book. The most immediately obvious inaccuracy, he claimed, was in the dress of the Spartans and other Greek warriors. (I would have guessed that it might have been showing Xerxes as nine feet tall. But I'm just a dog. What do I know?) In actual fact, the biped informed us, the Spartans and other Greeks at Thermopylae were Hoplites, heavily armored infantry. They wore breast plates and little leather skirts and all sorts of other stuff that made it fairly difficult to poke holes in them. Whereas, in the movie, they wore helmets, scarlet cloaks, and an item of apparel that looked like nothing so much as the shorts worn by the Dallas Cowboys cheerleading squad, only with the stuffing somewhat rearranged. A pretty metrosexual outfit, all things considered, verging even on the hobo exotic, if that is the expression I'm looking for. And they all, every single one of them, sported an identical set of six-pack abs that might have been peeled off the governor of California back when he was still doing Conan movies (or possibly off the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles). The biped apparently spent half the movie trying to figure out whether they were painted on, glued on, or cunningly animated. I'm leaning toward a little gluing and a little painting, myself. But I would not rule out CGI. I mean, I'm sure these were all genuinely buff guys--you can't get away with just painting six-pack abs on Jabba the arfing Hutt, after all--but still... those abs were just too good and too identical. Not that I was obsessing over their abs or anything. Not at all. Given the nature of the movie, I think you will believe me when I tell you that there were many fewer women than men in it--it is no doubt a tribute to the comic book mentality that there were any women at all. But I'm thinking that what women there were had had a little bit of work done, too. Nothing nearly as fancy as the men. Just a pair of prosthetic party hats apiece. (Unless those scenes were filmed in a meat locker.) But I wouldn't want to give you the erogenous impression that 300 is all about anatomical curiosities. It also teaches us the important historical lesson that the Spartans were fighting for Freedom and Justice. If they hadn't quite got around to explaining that to the Helots... well, I'm sure it was an honest oversight. I give it two dew claws up.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/353121 Sat, 18 Aug 2007 10:09:10 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/353121 Or are those chipmunks in your cheeks? Well, Littermates, I don't think DexCorp 1 rides get much ... glor-i-ous! We had a fine hike and a nice long stay at the Mesa pond, I exercising my magnificent physique, and the biped just basking in the early morning solar radiation--it's very pleasant, don't you think, to live just the right distance from a suitable star? By the time we got back down to the parking lot, the morning had advanced to the point that the biped did not feel the need to put his leather jacket on over his dog-walking vest for the ride home. Which, as it turns out, made the first leg of said ride pretty amusing. The dog-walking vest has two whistles hanging on the front, the "silent" whistle, and the good old-fashioned coach's whistle. Once we got up to about 45, the air flow around the windshield caused both whistles to levitate straight forward and start whistling like crazy--the biped was probably only aware of the coach's whistle, but I can assure you they were both whistling up a storm. Which, you might think, would be sufficiently amusing in and of itself. But, at 50, they started levitating above the horizontal and actually hitting him in the face. At which point, he decided a joke was a joke, pulled over, and put his jacket on. All the while, by the way, I was lying discretely out of sight in the bottom of the Command Module. Partly, I was fatigued from my morning romp. Partly, I was working on the Greenie that the biped had given me at the end of said romp. But mostly, I just didn't want to be associated with the whistling doofus. If anyone was pointing and grinning, it wasn't at me, Littermates.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/352669 Fri, 17 Aug 2007 07:45:27 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/352669 I don't like to have to admit this, but Little Ned (AKA Stinky) seems to have set out to make himsel ... Stinky) seems to have set out to make himself useful. This morning, he caught, killed, and expertly played with the corps of, a mouse. Now, Little Ned is a cat, and he's been living here since May. So you might not think that there's anything very extraordinary about his catching a mouse in August. But you have to bear in mind that that is more than Katy, the original (and apparently immortal) miserable arfing cat has ever managed in her long and checkered career as a house cat. The biped tells me that Katy did once catch a bat outside, then drag it inside to release, still very much alive, in the bipedess' office. Which was no doubt very amusing for all concerned, but it is hardly the same thing as exterminating a pest that is already in your house, is it? As you might imagine, Katy is feeling a little underappreciated by comparison. And, I must say, I'm not feeling altogether secure myself. I mean, I do my level best to keep the yard free of bird shadows, but I do not yet have a single dead bird shadow to show for my efforts. If Little Ned persists in this sort of useful behavior, Katy and I may have to make common cause--distasteful as such an eventuality would undoubtedly be--and deal with the smelly little fellow. I'm sure that she could--despite the loss of some skin tone and most of her hearing over the years--lure the wee beastie into a honey trap of some sort, and I could then dispatch him whilst his attention was engaged elsewhere--I SAID "YOU'RE LOOKING PARTICULARLY SAGGY THIS EVENING, SWEETHEART!" But maybe we'll let him rid the house of mice first.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/352648 Fri, 17 Aug 2007 06:30:51 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/352648 Lyle's new photo and diary entry today reminded me of something I have been meaning to mention. It ... Lyle's new photo and diary entry today reminded me of something I have been meaning to mention. It concerns Doggles. Or perhaps it is that Doggles concern me--I am not at my sharpest at 6:00 AM, and I have been up, thanks to the bipedess' New Jersey trip, since 4:00 arfing AM. Anyway, although I have not experienced the difficulties that Rajah Q. initially had with his Doggles--i.e., they were coming completely off his head because Casey had not at first noticed the chin strap provided to avoid just that outcome--I have, nevertheless, found my Doggles somewhat less utilitarian than one might have wished. Owing both to the chin strap and to my prominent setterly stop, my Doggles stay on reasonably well. Up to a point. But, now that I have the freedom to lie down on the floor of the Command Module, I find that I tend to bump the Doggles on the lip of the tub on my way down. Thus, within a very few miles of starting a drive, I tend to find my Doggles riding well above my strikingly handsome eyebrows. Wearing them that way looks very cool--think Irwin Rommel commanding the Afrika Corps from the turret of a panzer--but it does relatively little to protect my lovely brown eyes. We are open to suggestions, the biped and I. (And if said suggestions have to do merely with eye wear... well, it can't be helped, I suppose.) And speaking of heavenly bodies (or was I just thinking of some?): Those of you who are not up at 4:00 AM may not know that the constellation Orion is plainly visible at that hour just above the eastern horizon. And you thought Orion was a winter constellation!]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/351849 Wed, 15 Aug 2007 09:16:30 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/351849 I wouldn't like to say anything to the biped about this, much less to the bipedess. But I'm a littl ... somebody. If you see what I mean. Then, after just a couple of days to reacclimate to the northern hemisphere, she was off to Chicago. Now, Chicago is not only not Paris or Buenos Aires, it isn't even New York. But still, you know... it's not bad: City of Broad Shoulders, The Windy City, My Kind of Town. It's had a song or two written about it, anyway. But early Friday morning she's headed for--and please don't take this the wrong way--New Jersey. The bipedess has been to New Jersey before, and she assures us it's a lovely place. I, personally, have met a woman from New Jersey, and she's quite nice, really. She did, however, leave New Jersey at a relatively tender age. Not that I attach any particular significance to that fact. I mean, I've got nothing in the world against New Jersey, per se. It's just the trend line that's got me worried. I'm not sure--if I am to be completely honest with you--that it would be appropriate for a dog of my stature to be associated, however peripherally, with a woman who finds herself speaking to gatherings of bilingual aluminum siding salespersons at county fairs in West Texas. Surely you can see that? I mean, at some point, you've got to recognize that you're no longer on the A list and retire gracefully. That's all I’m saying.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/350867 Mon, 13 Aug 2007 08:23:54 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/350867 The next-door neighbors are away again. Which I appreciate, truly I do. They left their aging ... have her. So, why not? Now, in the past, when the biped has let Morgan into our yard, he has then expelled her again at the very first sign of trouble, which generally came just about when Morgan stopped running to get a drink of water, and I moved in for a closer investigation of her nethers. This time, however, he decided to let the dance go on a little longer, to see if we could not, perhaps, arrive at a modus vivendi of some sort. And it rapidly became apparent that Morgan was not as completely uninterested in my attentions as the biped had formerly taken her to be. True, when I would get sniffy, she would get huffy. But when I would withdraw, she would follow. We stopped briefly to have a p***ing contest--I'm pretty sure I won. Then we continued our little dance. I'd sniff. She'd snap (ever so gently). I'd lie down (belly down, mind you, not belly up). She'd bow, then turn away. I'd pursue. I'd give her a little twirl-around body slam and then present myself to be sniffed. Nothing if not polite, Morgan would oblige. We'd fence with our snouts--nothing like clicking teeth with the object of one's affections to get one's blood up, so to speak. Sadly, however, Morgan seemed genuinely uninterested it getting beyond the preliminaries--she is, I suppose, one of those good girls one hears so much about, but hopes never to meet. Maybe she was just playing hard to get. That, in fact, continued to be my working hypothesis. But she had the biped convinced. So he put a leash on her and took her back to her own backyard. Where, one can only assume, she had plenty of leisure to reflect upon her miscalculation.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/350461 Sun, 12 Aug 2007 09:47:19 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/350461 Since we missed our regular Saturday morning hike, we had one this morning instead. For some reason ... http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/350310 Sat, 11 Aug 2007 20:35:42 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/350310 That's my story, anyway. The biped tells me it was actually quite an adventure. And I guess I'll h ... me, of course--I was able to relieve myself copiously. Twice. But the biped figured that a park frequented by small children really was not a good place to go natural, so to speak, so we went back to DexCorp 1 and saddled up. At that point, the biped checked his watch and discovered that three hours and fifteen minutes had already elapsed, and we were still twenty-five miles or more from our destination. Moreover, we still had Walnut Creek to traverse on surface streets, which had never looked like being any fun. Whereupon the biped, with my blessing, said, "Arf it! We're getting on 680!" Which got us to R & R's house in under half an hour. Which pretty much wraps up yesterday. Accept to say that my own behavior was exemplary throughout. I lay on the floor of the Command Module for most of the trip, either sleeping or resting my eyes. Every once in a while, particularly when we slowed down to go through towns, I'd pop up for a quick scent check and to wow the great unwashed. Then I'd settle right back down. Didn't cause any trouble whatsoever or give the biped an anxious moment. I am, as I think I may have mentioned once or twice before, an excellent traveling companion. This morning, the R of R & R had to get up early and go to work. Whereas the other R was showing some of her oil paintings at an outdoor show at the Martinez waterfront. We spent some time with R at the waterfront this morning. Then we had lunch at Susanna Street Park with the biped's old friend J**** Q********. J**** Q******** asked, by the way, that I mention her positively in my diary entry this evening. And why ever would I not? Give me half a steak sandwich, and I'll mention you positively, too. And it's not even like you've known the biped since you were both thirteen, is it? After lunch, we headed for home. I found the entire ride quite pleasant (as nearly as I can remember--my eyes seemed to require quite a lot of resting). The biped says it was all pretty good, except for the last 27 miles from Gilroy to home. It is at Gilroy that one has no choice but to get on Highway 101. And it was at Gilroy, too, that the wind turned truly vicious this afternoon. Suffice it to say that the biped did not care for the riding conditions we encountered. Oh, and one other interesting thing happened as soon as we got on 101 at Gilroy: A largish bug of some sort decided to undertake a martyrdom operation upon the right lens of the biped’s glasses. Just as he (the biped, not the bug) was maneuvering to avoid a large agricultural truck that was driving along at 20 miles an hour, half on the shoulder and half in our lane, with it's left turn signal blinking. One can only hope that he (the bug, not the biped) got his sixteen virgin bugettes. Anyway, we got home safe and sound, I well rested, and the biped only slightly the worse for wear--suffering just a bit, perhaps, from A.S.S. Nothing, presumably, that cannot be rectified with an expensive new motorcycle saddle.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/349747 Fri, 10 Aug 2007 12:33:00 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/349747 With any luck, you should be hearing from us tomorrow evening, Littermates. ... http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/349613 Fri, 10 Aug 2007 07:37:32 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/349613 That's right, Littermates, the biped and I are going on a road trip/shake-down cruise in DexCorp 1! ... Mulligan, the biped assures me that we will have both the cell phone and the Triple-A card along. We will be visiting R & R F****, soon to be grandparents of E**** Danger V** H****, of whom, I believe, I have spoken before. We'll spend the night at their place--I'm pretty sure we'll be flipping a coin to see who gets the couch and who gets the floor. Then we'll come back tomorrow afternoon. That, at least, is the plan. Wish us luck, Littermates.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/349398 Thu, 9 Aug 2007 17:32:42 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/349398 I was just reading my pal Elvis’ diary entry. Certainly, he has a point that the last few weeks her ... Elvis’ diary entry. Certainly, he has a point that the last few weeks here on Dogster have been particularly sad. But all this particular, specific sadness suggests a larger, general sadness that seems to me an inescapable aspect of this whole endeavor (i.e., Dogster). We are such ephemeral creatures, you and I--much more ephemeral, even, than our human associates. Purely on a statistical basis, you would have to expect that when Dogster is five or six years old, fully half of those dogs who joined in the first year will have gone up on the roof, as we Frisbetarians like to say. And every year, more will join them. Given that departed dogs are seldom removed from Dogster by their humans--and why should they be?; a Dogster page makes a very nice memorial--it really will not be very long before the dead vastly outnumber the living. Nothing wrong with that, I guess. I just wonder if it won't start to feel like we are frolicking in a cemetery. A cemetery can be quite a pleasant place to spend an afternoon--it's interesting, surely, to see the old sepia-tone photographs on the headstones. But it’s sad, too.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/349236 Thu, 9 Aug 2007 11:14:57 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/349236 The biped's friend Felix came over last night to play chess. The biped played poorly the first ga ... ropes!" Then he made an absolute bonehead move that cost him a rook and the game. Felix, being a reasonably alert sort of fellow, probably would have noticed the biped's blunder in any case, but I'm sure it did not help that the biped started cursing and hitting himself in the forehead within seconds of taking his hand off the rook he'd just moved. And so it goes. He plays go with his friend Peter, and always gets his arf kicked. He plays chess with Felix, and, although it's much more of a contest, loses substantially more often than he wins. But here’s the thing: Peter also plays chess. And plays it poorly. The biped can just about count on beating Peter at chess. And Felix doesn't even know how to play go--you could start jumping his stones like checkers, and he wouldn't know any better. Does anybody else see a squirrel in this picture, or is it just me?]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/348898 Wed, 8 Aug 2007 17:27:47 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/348898 The biped rode DexCorp 1 in to Monterey this morning. He confined me to the back yard until his ret ... thought it might be the carpeting for the Command Module, but I was in no position to determine the truth of that conjecture from my very limited vantage point in the back yard. When the biped got home, he let me out into the front yard before he went into the house. Thus it was that we both saw the box at the same time. I already knew it was there, of course, but you know what sort of attention span/memory we all have--the box came as a complete surprise to both of us. But the biped was more surprised than I, for the simple reason that he can read, and I cannot. Because the box was prominently labeled "12-inch Wind Turbine." "Huh," said the biped, "Why would I have ordered a 12-inch wind turbine? I'm pretty sure I didn't, actually.” I began to roll my big, brown, almond eyes. "Maybe H**** ordered it?" he ventured. "But why would H**** order a 12-inch wind turbine? For that matter," he complained bitterly, "what the hell is a 12-inch wind turbine?" "Well, I think I could venture an educated guess as to its size, Boss. But that is really rather beside the point. Why don't you open the box and see? Or, better yet, you being the accomplished reader that you are, why don't you read the arfing FedEx label and see who it's from. That might provide you with a clue of some sort." "Hmmmm," quoth the biped, "you just might be on to something there, Dexter!" I think my eyes had rolled all the way around and come back to level by that time. Well, when he read the label, he discovered that the box was from Rich Maund, the Ural upholstery guy, so it pretty obviously contained my carpeting. It turns out that Mr. Maund, being both frugal and environmentally sound, recycles packaging whenever he can. Mystery solved. Just minutes ago, the biped finished installing the carpeting. It looks good. But I don't think I'll get to test out its comfort characteristics until at least tomorrow. I'll let you know.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/348263 Tue, 7 Aug 2007 13:47:32 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/348263 The biped needed to go to the copy shop in Salinas a little before noon today. He decided to take D ... http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/348200 Tue, 7 Aug 2007 10:50:20 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/348200 I don't really mind the wind, myself--there's not much I do mind--but it seems to wear the biped dow ... do mind--but it seems to wear the biped down. Maybe if he had floppy ears covered in ringlets of silky black fur, the wind wouldn't bother him so much. But no doubt something would.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/347652 Mon, 6 Aug 2007 08:26:02 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/347652 ...please set me free Well, it's not that I want to be set free exactly. Not when I'm riding in ... Well, it's not that I want to be set free exactly. Not when I'm riding in the DexCorp 1 Command Module. I mean, I understand that that's not a ride you want to get off of until it comes to a full and complete stop. But I'm not sure I entirely appreciate the biped's latest effort to improve my restraint system. Heretofore, I have been secured by two leashes attached to the D-ring of my riding harness. One of the leashes is tied off in the trunk, then comes under the seat back and up. The other leash is tied off on the luggage rack, then comes forward and down. It's a little bit jury rigged, I will admit. And the fact that one of the leashes originates on the luggage rack means that the trunk cannot be opened while that leash is attached to yours truly. Still, they pretty much seemed to do the trick. But apparently the biped decided, after our very pleasant ride Saturday morning, that this system was not as altogether secure as he might wish. So yesterday, he went out to OSH and acquired the components of a new restraint system: eye bolts, swivel snaps, and four feet of arfing chain. That's right, Littermates, chain! After one false start involving a pair of holes in the bottom of the sidecar that will, as it turns out, not actually be used (but will, happily, soon be covered by carpeting), he devised a system involving two eye bolts through the bottom of the sidecar near the rear of the passenger compartment, connected by a length of chain with a swivel hook in the middle of it. Attach said swivel hook to my harness D-ring, and I'm not going anywhere (except where the whole rig goes, I mean). Which is all very well, except for the chain part. I mean, do I look like an S & M sort of dog to you, Littermates? Do I look like a vicious beast who needs to be chained to the floor? No. I am wholesome and healthy and friendly as the day is long. (Wholesomer, healthier, and friendlier, during the winter months.) The biped tells me that he will probably replace the chain with made-to-order nylon strapping, once he is confident that he has the basic design right. Which I guess I can accept, for the nonce. But I am not wearing one of those leather hoods with the rubber ball in the mouth!]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/347220 Sun, 5 Aug 2007 09:57:07 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/347220 It is beginning to look as if I, myself, personally, may never even get to be a father, let alone a ... become grandparents (whether they like it or not). So I thought I would share with you a piece of grandparenting advice I picked up by eaves dropping on a telephone conversation the biped had with his old chum R****** F**** yesterday. R****** is the author, or at least the purveyor, of many fine aphorisms, including my personal favorite: "When you start seeing double with one eye closed, it's time to pull over." But perhaps I digress. R****** and his wife R***** are about to become the grandparents of a baby girl whose middle name will, quite literally, be Danger. How cool is that? Anyway, R****** was letting the biped in on his plans for being a loving and nurturing grandparent: "Fill 'em up with soda pop, shake 'em, and hand 'em back to their parents." I don't think I could have said it any better myself.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/347200 Sun, 5 Aug 2007 09:20:27 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/347200 Maybe it was something I said. Maybe she wasn't as impressed with the clean sheets as I thought s ... I've got shoulders like a bull, myself. So, you see... there was really no reason for her to... snxxxxxxxxx!... to leave us again so soon. Though, you know, speaking strictly for myself, I scarcely expect that I will scarcely, you know, notice her absence. It's not like... snxxxxxxxxx!... not like I've grown accustomed to her face, or anything. No. It's the biped I'm thinking of. I mean, you know, we'll see her around. I guess.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/346893 Sat, 4 Aug 2007 15:29:22 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/346893 First of all, I would like to thank Dexter Nova Bright Star and his socially responsible, environmen ... http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/346790 Sat, 4 Aug 2007 11:21:49 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/346790 ...but I always take the long way home. This morning, the biped really wanted to use DexCorp 1 to ... This morning, the biped really wanted to use DexCorp 1 to transport me to Garland Park for my contractually mandated hike. He'd taken the sidecar windshield off yesterday evening, and he was eager to see how that would affect our mutual level of satisfaction with my ride. Unfortunately, the Salinas Valley, in which Beautiful Downtown Spreckels finds itself situated, was socked in with a very wet ground fog. The biped didn't know how much of our route would be fogged in, but he was pretty sure we'd be wet and miserable long before we got to Garland Park. So we took the Forrester instead. Which turned out to be fine, if unnecessary. We got out of the fog at Corral de Tierra road, and from there on, the weather was beautiful: clear and crisp--excellent traveling weather. We took our usual hike up the Mesa trail to the Mesa pond, the biped commenting repeatedly upon the crispness of the air, venturing the opinion that we were in for an early fall. Someone who didn't know him as well as I do might have seen a need for extra precautions, but I was pretty confident that he was just babbling. We had our usual good time at the Mesa pond. Then we took a slightly different route back, through the deep woods to the Fern trail and the Fern pond thereon. The biped kept going on about half expecting to come around a bend in the trail and see the Tilden Park merry-go-round emerging from the mists of time, or a sixteen-year-old incarnation of himself just going around the next bend, hand-in-hand with his fourteen-year-old girlfriend. Well, unless this fourteen-year-old girlfriend was a Saluki, I really didn't want to hear about it. And, of course, we did not encounter any such things, anyway. What we encountered, right where it was supposed to be, was the Fern pond. Which is an altogether more mysterious and evocative place than the Mesa pond. Or so I am told. Repeatedly and at some length. Then it was back down the hill for a quick grooming on our favorite picnic table, and thence home. Which is where one of these Saturday morning entries would generally end. But no. No sooner did we get home than the biped put my harness on me and took me for a motorcycle ride just for the sake of the ride. We did the twelve-mile San Benancio-Corral de Tierra loop. Very satisfactory. Slow and windy and unhurried. There were horses and steer and smells of Dog only knows what animals. A good old-fashioned drive in the country. Turns out the biped and I both like the rig better without the sidecar windshield. I don't think the bipedess is going to like it much, but then she didn't like it much before. So, anyway, we got home for the second time. And we continued our productive morning by going out back for a quick soak/drink, while the bipedess--who had slept in disgracefully late--finally got started on some of that housework she had shirked whilst in Buenos Aires. All and all, it was a very satisfactory morning.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/346497 Fri, 3 Aug 2007 17:29:15 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/346497 A question has arisen as to whether or not DexCorp has set aside monies to turn young Captain back i ... Captain back into a Chihuahua once his Catster infiltration mission has successfully concluded. Well... not per se, as such, or in so many words, no. But we do have an unlikely-contingency fund--or could easily (I would think) call one into existence--should that unlikely (but much to be hoped for) contingency arise. Always assuming, of course, that our gallant lad wants to be turned back into a Chihuahua. I mean, no offense intended to the brave little fellows, but would you?]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/346274 Fri, 3 Aug 2007 08:44:58 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/346274 OK, yeah, we knew that the cats had mastered blunt instruments and were working on their own version ... knew that the cats had mastered blunt instruments and were working on their own version of the sharp stick--DETH's best intelligence estimates were that we had a three to five year window of relative invulnerability before they could deploy a fully operational, weaponized, sharp stick. But yesterday evening, my pal Tavar posted on her Dogster page a link to yet another page--are you still with me, conspiracy theorists?--revealing that Azawakhs, of which Tavar is at least one, have, among their many fine characteristics, feline plastique. Plastique, Littermates! The terrierist's high explosive of choice! In the paws of cats! Talk about your nightmare scenarios! I mean, I guess it's all very well that the Azawakhs have got their paws on some, but 1) Azawakhs--and I mean this as a compliment, really--are not big on sharing, and 2) the arfing cats have high explosives! Nobody saw this coming. Not DETH. Not DexCorp. Not the AKC. Not even arfing PETA. In retrospect, I, as your Chairman, can see that somebody certainly screwed up here. I don't say it was me. In fact, I'm pretty sure it wasn't, was it, Lyle? Nevertheless, and all the foreground to the contrary notwithstanding, I am your Chairman, and I take full responsibility for this disgraceful lapse in intelligence. I just don't take any of the blame. The good news, Littermates, is that I, your Chairman, know just what to do to retrieve the situation: First of all, DexCorp is going to shoulder the entire expense of having Captain surgically modified to resemble a cat. Captain will then infiltrate Catster and get to the bottom of this plastique business once and for all. Second of all, I, your Chairman, will personally launch an invasion of Canada some time next year (when they are least expecting it). If history teaches us nothing else, Littermates--and it doesn't, trust me--it teaches us that there are very few problems that cannot be solved--or at least significantly exacerbated--by a timely and judicious invasion of France. Unfortunately, our current generation of Ural Patrols is incapable of reaching France without extensive mid-Atlantic refueling and really big water wings--neither of which is in the budget--so Canada will have to do.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/345856 Thu, 2 Aug 2007 10:12:59 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/345856 Well, she's back and appears not much the worse for wear. She seems to think it's winter (an easy m ... http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/345339 Wed, 1 Aug 2007 08:42:59 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/345339 OK. The bed's all made up with fresh sheets. Anything else you can think of, Dexter? Well, Boss ... OK. The bed's all made up with fresh sheets. Anything else you can think of, Dexter? Well, Boss... I'm reluctant even to mention this... Come on, Dexter, spit it out! It’s about the cats, Boss... Yes? Well... if you haven't fed them since she left... Uh-huh? Now might be a good time.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/345315 Wed, 1 Aug 2007 07:54:02 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/345315 ...to a daydream believer and a homecoming queen? Dexter, if you're not going to help--and in fa ... Dexter, if you're not going to help--and in fairness, I don't really see how you could--would you at least get out of the way? Sure thing, Boss. Any time now. What is it we’re trying to accomplish here, anyway? What we are trying to accomplish, Dexter, is we are trying to clean up the house just a little bit before the bipedess gets home from Buenos Aires this afternoon. Oh. Why? Why? Why, so that she will be pleased, of course. Oh. She's expecting the house to be clean? Well, that might be overstating the case a bit. My guess is, she's hoping the house won't be the utter pigsty she fears it may be. And I, for one, would like to see her hopes at least partially realized. Oh. Why? Because she's been gone for eight days, and it would be nice if she didn't come home to a mountain of housework needing to be done. Because she's been in Buenos Aires for eight days, staying in a hotel? Yes. A nice hotel? Yeah. I guess it was a nice hotel. Well, correct me if I'm wrong here, Boss. I mean, for reasons that must be clearer to you than they are to me, my own personal experience of nice hotels is pretty limited. But in nice hotels, don't they make your bed every day with clean sheets? Yeah. And put clean towels in the bathroom? Yeah. So, when you're staying in a nice hotel, you don't find yourself doing a lot of laundry, right? Well, no, you don't. But you've been doing laundry while she was gone, right? Well, yeah. And in a nice hotel, they mop and vacuum your room every day? If it needs it, sure. So she hasn't been doing a lot of mopping and vacuuming while she's been gone, right? Of course not And in a nice hotel, they don't even let you cook, right? No, they don't. You have to eat in restaurants. And, if you're not cooking, you're also not doing any dishes right? Well, no, you're not. Whereas, you have been doing dishes for yourself and the junior bipup for the last eight days, right? Yeah. And you haven't let the sink fill up with dirty dishes? Not "fill up" exactly, no. And I wouldn't say, at this point, that they were necessarily "dirty," either. I mean, they've been soaking for quite a while now. Works for me. And you’ve been watering the garden every day, like she asked you to? Oh, yeah. I've been watering like nobody’s business! You suppose she's been watering any gardens in Buenos Aires? No... Say, that isn't one of those double entendres, is it? Of course not, Boss. I don't even parlay-vous the old Fran-say; you know that. Yeah. OK. But what's your point, Dexter? My point, Boss, is that you've been slaving away for the last eight days cooking, and watering, and doing the dishes, and making the bed... Well, in point of fact, Dexter... I haven't actually made the bed yet. Per se. Well, make it now. Use clean sheets. I'm certainly not going to tell her it's the first time in eight days. And then relax. She's the one who's been living in the lap of Oriental luxury. Well, Buenos Aires is a little bit east of, say, New York. But I don't think you could call it Oriental, really. Boss, I am a big-picture dog, not a detail dog. You should know that by now. Now lose the mop and get in there and make that bed. Chop, chop!]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/345016 Tue, 31 Jul 2007 15:35:40 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/345016 Sure it's a word. It's pronounced fil-kay-NINE-thropy, and it means to demonstrate your love of dog ... fil-kay-NINE-thropy, and it means to demonstrate your love of dogs by giving them stuff. You could look it up (though I am not saying precisely where). You could look it up, that is, if you wanted to hurt my feelings by giving me the erogenous impression that you do not implacidly trust me when it comes to the Engerish language and the proper usages thereof. But, you know, go ahead. I don’t mind. Really.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/344979 Tue, 31 Jul 2007 13:53:48 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/344979 Well, this is a first for me, Littermates. I have given away all my rosettes. Plus a couple of sta ... all my rosettes. Plus a couple of stars I bought with zealies that they gave me for complaining about something or other. (Remember, Littermates, the squeaky dog gets greased!) That's right, Littermates, your Chairman is temporarily tapped out. I must feel very good about that, you say? Uh... not that you'd notice. Frankly, I don't know that philcaninethropy is me, if you know what I mean. I mean, I'm sure it's a very fine thing in its place and all, but, you know, I'm just not really comfortable with the concept. It does not speak to my inner dog, so to speak. And, you know, it's not like I've been receiving bushel basket loads of congratulatory telegrams, either. I mean, what's the point of being generous and self sacrificing if nobody's going to notice, I ax you? On balance, I think I'd just as soon have the zealies. Or, as some old Persian was once quoted as having said: "How sweet is mortal Sovranty!"--think some: Others--"How blest the Paradise to come!" Ah, take the Cash in hand and waive the Rest; Oh, the brave music of a distant Drum!]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/344670 Mon, 30 Jul 2007 20:11:41 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/344670 Little Ned has finally grasped that, if he does not run, I will not chase him. I mean, I should thi ... Zen enough to chase a cat that's standing still. Well, of course it's obvious to you and me, Littermates. We are, after all, dogs. But it is apparently a sufficiently complex philosophical concept as to require a full two months of a cat's time to puzzle it out. By George, I think he's got it though. The other night, Little Ned happened to be sitting on the bottom step of the stairway when someone in my entourage--I forget who--let me in the front door. That put me some six or eight feet from Little Ned. I trotted casually over to him. Well, he puffed up like a blow fish. But he did not antagonize me by hissing or yowling. And, more important, he did not run. He kept looking over his shoulder, scoping out that oh-so-enticing escape route up the stairs. But he knew that if he cut and ran, I'd be on his tail in a New York minute. So he stood his ground. I gave him a couple of cursory sniffs, lost interest, and wandered on into the kitchen. We aren't exactly braiding each other's fur, as the saying goes, but we are (by which I mean "he is") learning to get along.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/344548 Mon, 30 Jul 2007 15:41:29 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/344548 Graham and Julie Meyer, the mad Australians, are just about ready to resume their North American Ura ... Graham and Julie Meyer, the mad Australians, are just about ready to resume their North American Ural Odyssey. While Julie has been recuperating, Graham has clearly been scheming. They are now seriously planning to start a business running Ural tours of the South Australian outback when they get home--I guess there just isn't enough room in North America to get in all the Ural riding they'd like. But the really cool thing, from my point of view, is that the biped and I, and my pal Eli and his biped, have been invited to take part in one of the first tours for free! At least I think we have. Both my biped and Eli's were among six recipients of an email from Graham inviting them and their partners to come on a free Ural tour of the South Australian outback. Now, I don't actually have it in writing that the biped and I are partners, but... What? What do you mean that's not what he meant when he said "partners"? What else could he have meant? You're spittin' me! The bipedess? But you're married to her, for Dog's sake! That's a kettle of fish of a whole 'nother color! (Or, in Eli's case, "colour"). Oh, don't "nevertheless" me, you pompous arf! Damn! I really wanted to see some of those baby-eating dingoes they've got down there.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/344439 Mon, 30 Jul 2007 11:46:27 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/344439 -Dan Hicks As most of you will be aware, the biped has been dieting for, oh, I don't know... appr ... Dan Hicks As most of you will be aware, the biped has been dieting for, oh, I don't know... approximately 16 weeks tomorrow. And he's good at it, I must say. He's lost a total of 51 pounds so far, largely from places you really don't want to hear about. But he has been doing particularly well this last week or so--down five pounds since last Wednesday. Coincidentally, the bipedess has been in Buenos Aires since last Tuesday. It only just occurred to the biped about five minutes ago that he must be pining away for her. He didn't think he was pining away for her, but digital scales seldom lie. Personally, I don't see the need to drag coniferous soft woods into the discussion, but hey, whatever floats his boat (which is displacing less water all the time).]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/344072 Sun, 29 Jul 2007 16:50:26 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/344072 I don't know why I find this reassuring, but I do: Clearly, the biped is crazy to have bought a Ura ... Rich Maund--the biped wonders if he pronounces it "Richmond," you know, as in Richmond, Virginia? Anyway, the biped has just ordered up a set of Rich's sidecar interior carpeting panels. These are pieces of indoor/outdoor carpeting cut to shape, with bound edges and Velcro backing that you line the inside of the sidecar with. They look nice, as nearly as we can tell from the pictures. But more important, they will allow us to dispense with the bathmat--the biped can simply pop the seat bottom out, and I will have a nice carpeted tub to call my own. And they will also prevent me from further scratching the paint on the inside of the sidecar. One of the panels--the one nearest the electrical accessory plug--will also have a leather pouch attached to it with snaps. Rich says it's just the right size for a cell phone. Which is all very well, I suppose. But I’m thinking I could probably get several good Cuban cigars in there. It’s taken a while, but my ride is gradually starting to shape up nicely. By the way, if you’d like to apply for that chauffette job, you can call me on my cell at (831) 555-1212.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/343463 Sat, 28 Jul 2007 10:21:42 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/343463 We had an excellent motorcycle ride and hike this morning, the biped and I. I cannot, in all honest ... excellent motorcycle ride and hike this morning, the biped and I. I cannot, in all honesty, say that he's getting any more likable, but the biped is undeniably getting better at piloting DexCorp 1. We hardly held up traffic at all going over Laureles Grade this morning, zipping through the turns at--or, in some cases, even a fraction of a mile per hour (that's 1.67 fractions of a kilometer per hour) over the recommended speed. Starting out under a low overcast on the Salinas Valley side of the grade, we climbed up into the clouds, then, near the top, popped up above the cloud cover into brilliant sunshine--it was like taking off in an airplane, the biped tells me. Then we went back down through the clouds on the Carmel Valley side. And yet, when we got to Garland Park, the cloud cover had gone, and it was brilliant sunshine everywhere. Now that the biped's taken the seat out of the sidecar, and replaced it with a brand new bathmat for me, I can curl up very comfortably on the floor. If I feel like watching the scenery pass by and getting a little wind up my not inconsiderable snout, I just hang my head out the side through the entry cutout. If I feel like sheltering from the wind, I keep my head in and curl up snug as a bug in a rug. All of which does bring to mind one salient point: On balance, it was rather a brisk ride this morning. Suits me. Suits the biped, apparently. But it occurs to me that I may have to rethink my hypothetical chauffette’s uniform. Something in the way of motorcycle leathers--snug motorcycle leathers, mind you--may have to be provided for these cool coastal mornings. Did I mention that the hike was quite nice, too? It was.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/343050 Fri, 27 Jul 2007 12:57:31 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/343050 Baby you can drive my rig Yes I'm gonna make it big Baby you can drive my rig And maybe I'll love ... My great pal, Fred, has suggested that I display the well known Gordon Setter streak of independence, and simply take DexCorp 1 out on my own, without reference to the wishes of either the biped or the infamous California Department of Motor Vehicles. And I would very much like to, believe me, Littermates. But it simply is not anatomically possible. There is the obvious thumb problem--hard to use a motorcycle throttle without at least one. I could use my teeth, I suppose, but that would put me in an uncomfortable and possibly dangerous driving position. And then there's the question of shifting gears. DexCorp 1, in common with many fine motorcycles, has a heel-and-toe shift lever: One uses one's toes to downshift and one's heel to upshift (toes can actually be used for both operations, but--especially with the Ural's notoriously "crunchy" transmission--heel shifting is preferable). Now, as I 'splained on Fred, I have lovely toes. And lots of them, too. But they are not the sort of long, gangly ape-like toes one needs for motorcycle shifting. And, of course, I am utterly sans heels. So I am resigned to the necessity of a chauffer. That does not mean, however, that the current incumbent is set for life. I'd fire his sorry arf in a New York minute, if I could find someone more... supple, (com)pliant, female, and willing to drive whilst wearing the fetching official DexCorp chauffette's uniform. And I do not say that because I am a sexist pig, by the way (I am, after all, a dog); no, I say that because I am a marketing genius. And I can think of nothing better calculated to boost DexCorp's stock (not listed on any exchange you have access to) than the sight of yours truly being chauffered around Greater Metropolitan Spreckels in DexCorp 1 by some sweet young thing wearing little more than a half helmet, fringed gaunlets, and motorcycle boots. This is strictly business, I assure you. So... if you know of any appropriate candidettes, my office is always open.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/342535 Thu, 26 Jul 2007 12:10:38 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/342535 My pal Izzy’s tragic tale of Mourning the tushie strikes close to home for the biped. For one thing ... Izzy’s tragic tale of Mourning the tushie strikes close to home for the biped. For one thing, he is beginning to wonder just where his own posterior has got off to as a result of his on-going diet of alfalfa sprouts and fresh air. Personally, I really don't think he's got much to worry about, but then worrying is his forte, not mine. But it also brings back to his well seasoned mind the trauma of having been present to witness the very first recorded case of Alfred Sorel Syndrome, diagnosed by none other than his good friend and bon vivant boat-owing chess mentor, Felix H*******. Alfred Sorel, for obvious reasons better known as Spud, was at one time a coworker of the biped and Felix’s. Spud was a witty, charming, and cosmopolitan chain smoker who could also wield a red pencil like nobody's business. But Spud suffered from one tragic flaw: To all intents and purposes, he had no... well... no a**, as it were. Everyone knew that something was not quite right. Indeed, Willie Nelson might just as well have been referring to poor Spud when he famously said, in a very bad movie, "Boy, you don't have enough butt in your britches to..." well, I forget to what, but you take my point, such as it is. Anyway, it took Felix's keen eye for anatomical wit to put a name to Spud's tragic deficiency. And thus was Alfred Sorel Syndrome born.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/342435 Thu, 26 Jul 2007 08:15:35 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/342435 But not just yet, thanks. As you know, I sleep in the same room with the bipeds. On my pad at th ... very fancy, I can assure you, ladies wink, wink). But I have never been, and do not every expect to be, invited up on the bed. And I find that perfectly understandable: I weigh 70 pounds, and I have been known, despite the biped's best efforts, to harbor the occasional tick. I mean, I wouldn't invite myself into bed with me, if I had a choice. The miserable arfing cat, on the other hand, is a hearse of a different color. If allowed into the room, the cat simply cannot be kept off the bed. Which is why the cat is not allowed in the room. (Aw, gee, Katie, that's rough, ha, ha.) But I have only just this morning developed a true appreciation for why the cat is not to be allowed into the bedroom and, hence, up on the bed. The biped read me a story out of this morning's paper about a cat raised from kittenhood in an old folks' nursing home. It seems that this... this cat has become an infallible harbinger of death. If the cute little fur ball curls up on your bed, it's time to call your next of kin, because you've got 2 – 4 hours to live, max. Now some of you--or more likely your bipeds, credulous fools that they tend to be--might suppose that this cat is a creature of considerable benevolence who seeks to ease the Great Transition for the folks he ministers to. But you and I know better, don't we, Littermates? As do the staff of the nursing home. Know better, I mean. It turns out that this cat is exceedingly aloof and has no use for people at all. Until, that is, said people are ready to have their last breaths sucked out by the little feline soul Hoover. At which point, the cat is their huckleberry, so to speak. Is it any wonder, then, Littermates, that your more astute bipeds (That's you, Boss. Honest.) will not suffer themselves to be slept upon by any miserable arfing cat?]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/342046 Wed, 25 Jul 2007 10:32:29 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/342046 ...and I don't care-- His doggie don't care. I said that living with him was getting me dooooooown ... Dexter, it's not a license to drive. It's just a license for DexCorp 1 to be driven on the street. And we already had one, anyway. This is just a new "personalized" one. Really, Dexter, this changes nothing, nothink! You mean I still don't get to drive my own sidecar rig? Yes, I do mean that. You still can't drive it. And, if we're going to be strictly accurate here, as far as the DMV is concerned, it's my sidecar rig. Well, that sucks! You are, of course, entitled to an opinion, Dexter. But that's not it. He oughta do right, he oughta do right, he oughta do right by meeeeeeeee! Go lie down, Dexter.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/341566 Tue, 24 Jul 2007 08:38:58 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/341566 ...The pleasant wave did break yesterday. Most of the day was distinctly unpleasant. And this morn ... did break yesterday. Most of the day was distinctly unpleasant. And this morning looks like more of the same. I just can't tell you how relieved we all are to have things back to normal: gray, depressing, and windy. (Grey, depressing, and windy, for my Canadian and British pals.) The bipedess left this morning for an eight-day trip to Buenos Aires, Argentina (one is tempted to wonder what the rest of the country smells like). As nearly as I can make out, it's January in Argentina--something about daylight savings time, I think. But it's a dry cold, so she should do fine. In other news: The DMV has notified us that my DEXCRP1 license plate has finally arrived. The biped will be picking it up at the Greater Metropolitan Spreckels DMV office in Seaside this afternoon. Expect to see pictures shortly. As you were, Littermates.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/341090 Mon, 23 Jul 2007 08:35:34 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/341090 Beautiful Downtown Spreckels After nearly a week of brutally pleasant weather, with temperatures so ... Beautiful Downtown Spreckels After nearly a week of brutally pleasant weather, with temperatures soaring into the mid 70s, and afternoon winds scarcely reaching gale force, Spreckels residents, including your correspondent, awoke this morning to a soothing blanket of coastal fog. Hopes ran high that the pleasant wave had at last broken. But, alas, it was not to be. Shortly after 8:00 AM, skies began to clear, and watermelon-eating weather was expected to return by midday. "I don't know how much more of this I can take," said somebody whose name your correspondent did not quite catch. "My skin is starting to turn an unsettling shade of not-quite-white, and every time I come inside from outside, the house seems really dark. It's just not right!" As weather-related tensions mount, water balloon fights and Super Soaker ambushes have broken out in Spreckels Park. "It's not hardly safe to shuffle to the post office of an afternoon," said long-time resident and moldy clothing survivor J** R****. "Kids are outside... well, just... playing. I've never seen anything like it!" "If we don't get a real break in this weather soon... well, I don't like to think what might happen," said somebody else who is not a figment of your correspondent's fevered imagination. Are you, little buddy? This has been a DexCorp News Alert: We invent; you belie.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/340256 Sat, 21 Jul 2007 10:04:27 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/340256 I like to drink out of the hot tub when the bipeds are in it. I mean, I'd be just as happy to drink ... weren’t in it, I think. But the cover is only open when they are in it, so, ipso arfing facto, that's when I drink out of it. The bipeds claim to find this behavior on my part disgusting. I like to drink hot clear water in the morning. They like to drink hot brown water in the morning. Who's calling whom disgusting, is what I'd like to know. Rusticularly speaking, of course. Possibly, their real objection is not aesthetic in nature. Possibly, they are worried that, if I develop a taste for biped broth, I will be tempted to graduate to biped flesh. The biped claims that they taste more or less like tuna fish that's about a day past its prime. But I think he’s just trying to put me off. As if.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/339978 Fri, 20 Jul 2007 16:24:05 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/339978 Well, the Svenske gueste are all gone. Away, I mean. Not devoured--never in my increasingly long l ... http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/339767 Fri, 20 Jul 2007 08:33:08 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/339767 You'll never guess who got to take two motorcycles and a convertible on a very nice drive up the Sal ... very nice drive up the Salinas Valley to the Smith & Hook winery yesterday morning. That would be... not me! And would you care to venture a guess as to who went for a (not too) exciting sail in Felix's Pearson 40 on Monterey Bay yesterday afternoon? That, too, would be not me. (I think you're starting to catch on.) And if you had to venture a wild guess as to who got taken out to dinner at the Whaling Station, Greater Metropolitan Spreckels' finest steak house last night, what would that guess be? Yes, indeed... not me again. (You're really pretty sharp, aren't you?) And, finally--careful, this could be a trick question--who do you suppose got left in the back yard all day and then taken for a lousy one-mile walk in the arfing dark last night when the revelers finally dribbled home? That was me. Yes, I would have to say that, on average, a good time was had by all yesterday. So why am I so out of sorts this morning?]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/339175 Thu, 19 Jul 2007 07:51:02 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/339175 ...with the Swedish bikini team? Those really, really, really old beer commercials? Nah, me neithe ... ...with the Swedish bikini team? Those really, really, really old beer commercials? Nah, me neither. Well, it's just possible that there might be a lose screw or two, but no major parts seem to be missing. And my quick olfactory inspection revealed all four Swedes to be not only fully assembled, but reasonably intact as well. With any luck at all, perhaps they’ll stay that way through today's planned adventures. I'll keep ya posted, by golly!]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/338857 Wed, 18 Jul 2007 16:24:46 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/338857 My pal, Izzie has raised the disturbing possibility that Swedish people, like Swedish furniture, may ... Izzie has raised the disturbing possibility that Swedish people, like Swedish furniture, may arrive with "some assembly required." Izzie suggests that we have a hammer on hand just in case. Well, we have a hammer, of course. And a 120,000 volt stun baton, too. And, unless I am very much mistaken, both the biped and the bipup are probably exercising their rights under the Second Amendment*, even as we speak. I don't quite see how any of that is going to help us cobble together a disassembled Swede, though. I mean, I wouldn't know how to tackle a job like that, even with a whole garage full of fine Craftsman™ tools. Even with a metric socket set. It just seems like kind of a tall order. The biped tells me he has recently spoken to one of them on the phone, and given her driving directions to Beautiful Downtown Spreckels. He says she sounded fully assembled to him, as nearly as he could tell over the phone, anyway. So maybe there's really nothing much to worry about. But I think I'll move the finishing hammer to the table next to the front door, just in case. * To the best of my knowledge, there is no metric equivalent to this one.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/338744 Wed, 18 Jul 2007 12:03:45 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/338744 Sort of. Those of you who follow my weather reports at all closely will already know what the wea ... warmth in the air, this softness... it's hard to put your dew claw on. And you get this vague feeling that something might... you know... happen later. I don't know what to make of it. The biped says the warm softness is humidity, and that that sense of impending something-or-otherness is the feeling that thunder showers may be in the offing. He says that the weather is sort of like this--only much warmer--in someplace called the Mid-West. And, he says, in--wait for it--Sweden! Is that weird, or what? They're not even here yet, but the Swedes are apparently already exercising some mysterious power to remotely Swediform Greater Metropolitan Spreckels. These people may bear closer scrutiny than I had previously supposed.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/338112 Tue, 17 Jul 2007 08:03:14 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/338112 I have been informed that we are expecting a smallish invasion of Swedes. One of the bipedess's sis ... Anyway, said Swedish sister, her husband, and a pair of traveling companions are expected around dinner time tomorrow. I'm thinking herring paste a la mode would go down well, but then, nobody ever consults me. On Thursday, the bipeds will be taking the Swedish delegation on a little three-vehicle wine tasting trip down the Salinas Valley (the bipedess and one Swede in her Miata, the biped and another Swede in DexCorp 1--I don't recall being asked, by the way--and the two traveling companion Swedes on the bipup's well traveled Honda 750 Shadow). Then Thursday afternoon, the whole contingent will go sailing on Monterey Bay with the biped's chess buddy, Felix. (The last two times the biped went sailing with Felix, he ended up turning over his lunch to the fishies. He is earnestly hoping not to make it a hat trick on Thursday.) Then they'll all go out to dinner Thursday evening. And the Swedes will be on their way again Friday morning. It all sounds like a pretty good plan. Except for one thing: None of it involves me. We’ll just see about that. Maybe I should put on my black cowl and challenge one of the Swedes to a little game of chess? Or welcome them to Casablanca or something.]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/337722 Mon, 16 Jul 2007 11:57:12 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/337722 At 8:18 this morning, the biped received an email informing him that I had received a rosette from m ... Eli. It is now 11:54, no, 11:55, no, make that 11:56, and that rosette still has not appeared on my page! Somebody is courting a good mauling here. 11:58: Ha! No sooner do I complain, than my beach ball mysteriously appears!]]> http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/337175 Sun, 15 Jul 2007 08:05:59 PDT Dexter Nova Bright Star ~ writing at dogster.com http://www.dogster.com/dogs/16108/diary/Big_brass_ones/337175 Conrad Xiph, inventor of the cardboard pull tab, was stoned to death yesterday in Kallin, Estonia, b ... Xiphoid Process (1): An industrial process for creating cardboard pull tabs in consumer packaging, developed by Conrad Xiph in 1967. Based on extensive tests at the DexCorp Consumer Products Testing Range in Beautiful Downtown Spreckels, it can be stated categorically that not a single one of these pull tabs has ever satisfactorily performed its ostensible function, to wit, causing a cardboard box to open. Xiphoid Process (2): A little pointy thing on the bottom of your sternum that will break off and poke you right in the heart during improperly administered CPR. This could prove fatal, were it not for the happy fact that, if somebody is performing CPR on you, you are already clinically dead. When you are lying on your back in bed at night, worrying about things like getting poked in the heart, you should be able to palpate your xiphoid process with the index and middle finger of either hand. If you can't, you probably need to drop a quick 44 pounds, too. This has been a DexCorp New Alert. If this had been a real news alert, it would have appeared somewhere else