I’m going to tell you a secret, so lean in. I love reality TV shows. I really do. In fact, I’m hopelessly addicted to them. If I catch more than five minutes of any show, I become emotionally attached to every teenage mom, jerk-face chef, and aspiring drag queen superstar I see.
Now, if dogs were the stars of the reality shows, I’m certain my DVR would be chock-full of doggy-drama goodness. And not an ounce of guilt would be felt. While we’re on the subject, what would popular reality shows look like if dogs were in front of the camera? Let’s take a look!
In the human version of this show, contestants go head-to-head through a number of rounds of crazy obstacles, which make them fall, flop, bounce, and splash. This has dog written all over it. Each pooch would tear off and dive onto the giant rubber balls, bouncing from one to the next. Then onto sliding through the mud, trying to catch things, and, of course, more jumping. And always, the possibility of falling into and swimming in a pool of water.
Seriously, for dogs, this show can only be called I Can’t Believe I Get to Do This.
Ax Men follows the day-to-day work of several logging crews. Why would a dog be excited about being on this show? One word: Sticks!
I’m pretty sure no other show on television features the number, size, and variety of sticks we see on an a single episode of Ax Men. The dog version would showcase one solid hour of jaunty canines racing through the woods with sticks in their mouths. Good stuff.
Intervention documents addicts and the drama surrounding their intervention at the hands of friends and family. A doggy version of this show would include profiles of pooches with dog-centric “addictions.”
One week, we’d meet Pogo, a little dog with a big dirty underwear addiction. Pogo’s family would be sick of coming home and finding the living room littered with the unwashed underthingies they’d purposely hidden at the bottom of the household hampers. Pogo kept promising to quit, but as soon as he was left alone, the itch for skivvies would overtake him and he wouldn’t be able to help himself.
During the intervention, Pogo would sit in silence, his fidgety mind preoccupied with imagining what type of underwear each person was wearing. Those underpants had become his best friends. Now, they were his ultimate undoing. It was a dirty addiction, and he knew it was finally time to come clean.
Each episode of American Pickers spotlights the treasure-hunting of two pickers, which basically means we get to see people dig through junkyards, basements, and barns, looking for antique items that may or may not be worth something. Who loves digging through stuff more than dogs do? And with loads of experience tearing through the contents of garbage cans, hampers, and piles of outside stuff, they should be experts at locating hidden gems.
Would the stuff they find be worth anything? Maybe not monetarily, but my guess is the junkyard dog’s exuberant pride over the cool finds will be worth more than any 100-year-old picture frame.
This reality show was canceled late last year, but the list wouldn’t be complete without its inclusion. Each episode of Dirty Jobs followed the host as he worked some of the stinkiest, grossest, dirtiest jobs around, including sewage removal, garbage collection, avian vomitology (yes, it’s a thing), and roadkill taxidermy.
What dog wouldn’t be absolutely elated to spend his days surrounded by roadkill, various types of poop, garbage, vomit, and guts? Seriously, canines would be lined up around the block for a chance to host this show.
Which reality shows would you like to see feature dogs instead of humans? Tell us about them in the comments!
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