Recently our feline friends at Catster had a little fun with dogs with 5 Everyday Dog Products That Cats Like to Scoff At. Maybe a little too much fun — some dogs got fighting mad. There were howls of protest. No wonder, thanks to lines like “A dog is an unthinking beast” and “The cat thinks the dog hasn’t looked this stupid since he wore that head cone all summer, and the cat is right.”
Some of those dogs got so angry they wrote up their own list of cat products they consider stupid, and they sent it to us. We decided to publish it. These are big dogs.
Take it away, dogs:
1. Litter Box
So, let’s get this straight: You want to poop in the same place, every day, without fail, for the rest of your life, in a container. You might as well be … human.
Listen up, cats: Never give up your right to choose where you poop! With as much deliberation, frantic second-guessing, and insane circling as you please! The ability to poop far and wide is the pride of the animal world. It’s almost the last thing we have.
We won’t pretend to understand what you think you’re doing with catnip, but, animal-to-animal, it’s a little obscene, not to mention unseemly. What is that stuff, anyway? Is that like oregano? We once got into the spice cabinet and sneezed for a month. What are you, masochists?
3. Cat Leash
Let’s make one thing clear: Our respective leashes do not serve the same purpose. A dog leash is a somewhat vulgar tool of preventative control, the last resort of unsophisticated humans. It keeps us from lunging at something or licking it to death — both noble activities, to be sure, but that’s for another article.
On the other hand, your leashes — and what sad leashes they are, little wisps of nylon that couldn’t contain the least of our species (which is the Bichon Frise, by the way) — control nothing. If we had a Milk-Bone for every time we’ve seen someone dragging a cat through the park, whispering encouraging sweet nothings and being met with otherworldly screeching, we would never want a Milk-Bone again.
Whoa, we could REALLY go for a Milk-Bone right now.
4. Feather on a String
That’s your toy? That’s your toy? A Kong is a toy. A thick coil of shipping rope tied in a knot and whipped at us like a medieval mace is a toy. A feather on a string is an insult. We know you have claws — we’ve met those claws and we respect those claws, we really do — but come now. Just shred the feather and move on.
5. Cardboard Box
What is it with you guys and jumping in cardboard boxes? Is this another catnip thing? Are they made of catnip? It would be one thing if you jumped in there and tore it apart like a bear. That’s what we would do. Actually, that’s what we’re going to do right now, only instead of a cardboard box were going to disembowel some shoes. You can have the box they came in, Tiger. Knock yourself out. Whatever, cat.